Present Day:

I kissed her hair. "That was one of most trying times in our relationship," I admitted. "I don't think I'll ever forget it. I don't think we ever had a harder time."

Rory shrugged, "I think we did have a harder time. I think the last three years, when we didn't talk to each other at all, when we didn't know what the other was thinking or feeling was harder."

I thought about that for a minute. "I knew what you were feeling. I just didn't know what I was feeling until now. All I knew was I wanted to be macho. Stupid huh?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "At least when I was ten and acting like an idea we knew where we stood. These last three years, I thought you hated me for doing what I did."

I lifted her down turned chin with my thumb. "And I thought you hated me for treating you as I did. I'm so sorry for that Rory. It took guts to do that, to say those things," I told her.

"It did, and I meant those things Jess. I still do," Rory confessed. Only that admission didn't register in my mind, for my mind was all ready back at the day that had started the worst three years of my life, and little did I know would lead to the best days I'd ever have.

When You Were Thirteen

You Were my funny Valentine

1997 August

"Do you have to go?" Rory asked me, as we sat on our bridge on an August day in 1997.

That was her response t my revealing to her that I would be leaving before the end of summer to live with my father in California. I knew Rory wouldn't understand I barely did, but it was something I had to do.

I'd been contacted by my father, whom I had not seen since I was very little. He wanted to make amends with me for abandoning me. I, at first, didn't want to go, but Uncle Luke convinced me I had to see my father, learn about who I was, on the Mariano side. I had to do that, he said, before I could fully become a man.

It was decided I'd spend a year with my Dad in Venice Beach then if I wanted to I could come back to Stars Hollow and graduate high school. The only thing left to do was tell Rory. That was what I was doing now.

"Yes," I replied. "Uncle Luke's right. I don't know my Dad or any of my Mariano relatives. I need to fill in those gaps."

"I need you here, though," Rory told me her voice cracking.

I reached out and stroked her hair, "I know, but Rory, I need you to understand that I need to do this for myself."

Rory sighed and moved closer to me leaning her head on my shoulder. I slipped my arm around her and placed a kiss on her soft hair. "I don't understand," she replied. "I'll just miss you so much."

"I'll miss you, too," I answered. "But I'm not going to China, you know. I'm only going across the country."

I felt her nod as she burrowed into my shoulder. Then I felt her tears. I wanted to say something to comfort her but there were no words for that. So I let her cry and I held her close until it passed.

As Rory began to grow up, we grew closer. OF course, e had out differences, especially during what Aunt Lorelai called the Gilmore-Mariano War. But once we passed that, we grew even closer.

Lately, I was beginning to feel that Rory was seeing me as more than her best friend or big brother. In fact, two of my buddies ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Mark and Jack said she had a crush on me. They teased me mercilessly about that. Rory knew where our boundaries lay though, she was a smart kid. Rory knew I loved her, but she also knew she was not the type of girl who attracted a guy like me.

What kind of guy was that? Macho, the bad boy with tons of mystery and attitude; at least that was my image. Rory saw around that, and that was another issue.

"You okay now?' I asked when she pulled away from me.

She nodded. "I don't want you to go, but I do understand."

"Okay, Pretty girl," I said rising from my perch on the edge of the bridge. "Let's head back and make a list of everything we should do before I leave."

Rory got up and we walked back to the house hand in hand. Uncle Luke and Aunt Lorelai were sitting on the couch when we got back, my little cousin asleep on Uncle Luke's lap.

"Rory, why don't you head to my room and you can start on that list. I'll be up in a minute," I told Rory.

Rory headed up the steps and to my room while I sat down on the ottoman across from my uncle and aunt.

"How'd it go?" Aunt Lorelai asked.

"Better that I expected," I replied. "She's not happy with the idea but she understands."

Uncle Luke nodded, "Okay good. So what are you two doing now?"

"We're going to make a list of everything we want to do before I leave," I replied. "I want to spend time with her so she knows how much I…" I couldn't finish saying it. But Uncle Luke and Aunt Lorelai knew. "I better go upstairs."

Each day for the next two weeks was spent at least partly with Rory. We read at the bridge, went swimming and to the movies. The other time was spent either with the family as a whole or with my buddies.

The days spent with Rory were fun, bright and happy but there was constantly this cloud there reminding me that soon this would be gone and in its place would be a lot of pain and emptiness. What I had to do was determine what would hurt more, a year away from Rory and the comfort of the status quo or a lifetime of not knowing who I really came from or who my father truly was I decided the latter was true.

I noticed in those days that Rory suspected crush seemed to grow. She was becoming more affectionate and clingier. I could tell him some of our talks on the bridge she was trying to tell me. She never quite got it out though until the day before I was set to leave.

I'll never forget that day, for it was the day when I could have ruined my entire life.

Uncle Luke, Aunt Lorelai, Rory and I were going to have a movie night so I spent the day with ­­­­­­­Mark and Jack. We played basketball in the yard, and spent time hanging around.

Aunt Lorelai was at the inn and Uncle Luke took my little cousin ­­­­­­­­­­­­­Jake to the diner, leaving Rory home. I saw her in the window watching us play, watching me play.

I could tell by the way she played with her hair and the far away look she was deep in thought. If only I'd known.

We were sitting on the back porch eating tuna sandwiches when Rory came down. Neither Lorelai nor Rory ever had any sense of timing and that proved true in this case tenfold.

Rory, dressed in an outfit more appropriate for a night on the town than a movie night came downstairs and stood in the doorway. She was fidgeting and seemed nervous, but I was too busy to notice.

"Jess, can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked.

"I'm kind of busy, Rory. Can it wait?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "It'll only take a minute. Can you come here?"

I should have guessed the situation was serious but I was too busy being carefree to care. "No, tell me out here. I don't have a lot of time."

I may never know why Rory chose to declare her feeling that day in that way. But she did. I'll also never know why I handled the situation as badly as I did, but I did. I'll never stop regretting that.

It took guts for Rory to do what she did, and even in my embarrassment I respected her for it.

"Um, Jess, I would really prefer to say this in private but if I don't say it now I never will so…" she trailed off.

An important note here is that my buddies ­­­­­­­­­­­­­were always teasing me about my close relationship with Rory. They were either jealous, ignorant, or both, but I felt the need to leave Stars Hollow with my mostly macho reputation intact.

"Spit it out, Rory! I don't have all day," I snapped advancing toward that end.

"Sorry, this is just hard to say," she sputtered. "I don't want you to go to California. I want you to stay here in Stars Hollow with me. I love you Jess and not as your sister or your step cousin or your friend, but was a girl," she declared openly. "I…I don't even know why I'm…I just want you know that. We could be great together; we have tons of things in common. I think we should date."

I heard the declaration, I heard the reason at the core of it, and I heard the guys snickering in the background. My reaction here mattered to my reputation. It came down to a matter of looking like a jerk in front of the guys, or being a jerk to Rory. It once again came down to the lesser of two evils, which could I fix more easily, which could I sacrifice only temporarily. Rory of course, after all she'd always be there, especially now that she put her heart on her sleeve.

I studied Rory, her over made face, her long hair that hung limply as so many thirteen years old girls hair did, and her teeth, while white and small were highlighted with metallic braces. Rory was cute at thirteen, but not overly confident, and certainly not what one would consider pretty. That shouldn't have mattered in my decision, but it did.

"Rory, God, I can't believe you picked now of all times to tell me something like that," I declared.

"Well, there isn't a whole lot of time left is there?" Rory retorted all ready knowing where I was going.

"Rory, we're like so not supposed to be together," I sighed. "You're like a bookworm, a geeky, gauky little book worm. There is not way, that I would ever be interest in that with you."

"Well I hate to remind you that you weren't exactly a heart throb at thirteen and you are even more of a bookworm than I am," she pointed out. Rory always could bite hard.

"Yeah, well," I ran a hand through my hair. "Still, that doesn't give you cause to think I could be attracted to you. Please."

Rory was getting upset now; she was studying her shoes and shifting her weight from side to side. I could see the tears swimming near her eyes. "I didn't…it wasn't for…" she couldn't even for the sentence.

I could hear my buddies chuckling at her upsetment, I wanted to die from the pain doing this was causing. Still it was having the desired effect.

"Look, Rory, why don't you just…"

"Jess, I'm sorry okay, I just…" she moved towards me, trying to put her arms around my waist. I knew why she was doing this, this was her way saying she was sorry and asking if all was back to normal. I backed away and held up my hands to warn her away, "Look Rory, this is never going to happen. I'm never going to like you like that so just get away from me."

"Jess, please…" She began again.

"Get away from me you little freak!" I finally said, enunciating each word so there was no misunderstanding.

Rory stared at me for a few minutes, tears openly falling down her cheeks. She turned around and went inside. I turned around and went back to my sandwich only I was now to upset to eat.

The guys left when Uncle Luke got home and I went inside to apologize to Rory. I knew from the angry look on her face that I would have some explaining to do.

While Uncle Luke began on my bon voyage dinner, I went upstairs and knocked on Rory's door. It was unlocked and Rory's cold unemotional voice called out, "Come in."

"Hey," I greeted nervously. "Can I talk to you a minute?"

She was lying on the bed, her nose in a book. "I have nothing to say to you. This freaky bookworm is busy. Go away please."

"Rory, please," I pleaded. "Don't be mad at me. I was a jerk and…I was a jerk."

"Not even," Rory replied. "Look, Jess, there is nothing that you have to say that I want to hear. I was stupid, naïve and I paid for that. I'll never make that mistake again." She went back to the book.

"Rory, it was just a bad time to…and we're like…."

She picked up her headphones and put on the music. Loud.

"Listen, this is why I'd never want to date you. You are immature; you're a little girl Rory." I didn't know why I was talking. She wasn't listening.

I moved and pulled the headphones off her ears. "You want to hate me and be mad at me, fine," I said. "But this is my last night here; let's not ruin it for Uncle Luke and Jake or your Mom. Let's just try to act like two adults, shall we?"

"Wouldn't we need another adult for that?" she retorted.

I deserved it, I knew I deserved it. I'd put my reputation above her feelings, a very immature thing to do. But hell I was sixteen, I was far from maturity.

She sighed at my consistant stare, "Fine. We can act like adults, and not let this interfere. But I'm not going to forgive you for today Jess. I hope you have a great time with your Dad, because after tonight I never want to see you ever again."

Those were the last true words Rory and I spoke to each other. For the rest of the night, we were cordially polite, but not genuine. I could tell by the cold way she looked at me and by the really frigid hug she gave me before I left that she was serious about not wanting me around anymore, about never wanting to see me again. It was not the classic Gilmore temper, it was a pure and calculated feeling and completely genuine. I left Stars Hollow that day knowing I'd destroyed something precious, and not a day went by that I didn't wish to have that moment back. Too bad it was too late.