Author's Note: Right, I have to say sorry for being the slowest person to update on the planet. So here goes: sorry, sorry, really, truly, sorry! I think I may be forgiven when I say that the last chapter will be up on Tuesday and the epilogue on Friday.

Warning: overuse of the word 'bastard'. It's my favourite swear word.

Chapter Eight

"Oh God," repeated Sirius.

Orion laughed. "Here, Sirius, I am God."

"You can't expect me to... Not like this... Not in front of-"

Orion waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, I'm sure your boyfriend will enjoy the show. It is for his benefit after all."

"Jesus Christ," moaned Sirius but divine intervention did not appear to be on the cards.

James had quickly discovered quite how difficult it is to think with a knife pressed into the back.

"You're John, aren't you? The one who betrayed Remus," he said, trying desperately to keep calm; to not surrender to the anger bubbling inside him.

"I'd hardly call it a betrayal..." John jobbed the knifepoint into James' back a little harder.

"You treacherous bastard," growled James defiantly.

John laughed. "Now that's not a very nice thing to say to the person with a knife just ready to stab you in the small of the back. You won't survive, of course. It'll be very painful but you won't-"

"Okay, okay... I have a pregnant wife," declared James, who had rapidly decided that Lily would not be altogether pleased if he died and left her to bring up the baby alone.

"Do you?"

"I do."

There was silence in the dungeon except for the dull sound of water dripping. Suddenly, John removed the knife from James' back and spun him round until they were facing one another.

"I didn't want to betray him, you know," he said. "I had no choice. Orion just ain't the sort of bloke you mess with."

"Sirius would have protected you," said James.

"Sirius doesn't need me to protect. He has Remus."

"NOT RIGHT NOW HE DOESN'T, THANKS TO YOU!" said James angrily (and loudly). He ignored the bouncer's frantic attempts to quiet him.

"Quiet! Please! Please be quiet; if we're overheard then- let's just say I enjoy having full use of my legs... Besides, all Sirius has to do is shag Orion. Just once. Then everything will return to normal. Remus can go home. Why the hell are you so keen to mess this up?" John shook his head in disbelief. "If you go charging into Orion's bedroom, cursing everything in sight then there will be hell to pay. You and Sirius and Remus will spend the rest of your lives glancing over your shoulders. Is that man across the road following me? Is there an ambush waiting round the next bend? Is your babysitter really a babysitter or is she going to kill your kid?"

James put his hands to his head. "What a bloody awful situation this is," he said.

"I know."

"I don't blame you, of course," said James.

"Good."

"But it's love, don't you know? When Sirius spoke to me about Remus this afternoon his eyes lit up. It was love- pure and simple. If Remus cares for Sirius half as much as Sirius does for him then... wow... That's the sort of love that so few people ever experience. Its special and it can't be messed up by this Orion bastard." James suddenly brandished his wand. "Now you either help me or I'll try out this wonderful new spell on you."

"What will happen?"

"Your tongue will enlarge until you choke on it."

Silence.

"Right. I better help you then."

The two men shook hands. "So what's the situation?"

"Remus isn't down here. He's in Orion's bedroom."

"Okay, so we've got- HIS BEDROOM! Shit, no!"

John nodded. "And there's guards everywhere- all of them on the look out for Sirius' friends. It'd need something pretty big to distract them. Something huge, in fact."

James once again found himself becoming annoyed. "What the hell do you mean?" he snapped.

John sighed as if he were talking to a very stupid child. "It's obvious. For me to get Sirius out, I need you to first distract the guards- all of them."

"Why don't you distract the guards while I find Sirius?"

John sighed again. "You're dressed as a woman; don't try and play the hard man with me, mate..." he paused, menacingly. "...And I may be just a bouncer and a squib at that, but I can see what you're clearly blind to: one, I actually know how to get to Orion's private chamber and two, you can use that wand that you've so obviously just stuck back down your dress to defend yourself against the hordes of angry bouncers."

"Is the wand really that visible?"

"Well, I figured you'd either put your wand down there or you're just really pleased to see-"

"Stop right there! I'm a married man; I don't want to hear that stuff!"

John laughed. "Pretty unfortunate for you then, that your two best friends turned out to be bent as-"

James interrupted. "How are you going to defeat Orion? He'll have a wand, you know."

"I can do something sometimes; when I'm really angry."

"Do what?"

"Smash glass."

It was such a stupid idea, thought James. The bouncer was about to take on a wizard with nothing but the ability to make glass smash. It was potentially the worst plan ever made. "He'll probably kill you, you know?" said James.

"To die for love doesn't sound such a bad way to go." John grinned. "Besides, you're the one about to take on Orion's nine bodyguards!"

"I defeated you easily enough."

"The rest of them aren't such romantics."

"So, how do I distract the guards?" James interrupted.

"I'm sure you'll think of something!"

James was still uncertain. "What the hell do you suggest? That I jump onto the bar and strip? Do a drag routine? Sing perhaps?"

John looked at him frankly. "I'd suggest Chaka Khan." And then he was gone.

"Shit," said James, who knew enough about modern music to know what John had in mind. "Shit, shit, shit."

Remus struggled desperately to spit out the gag. He was frantically shaking his head from side to side.

"He doesn't want you to do this. How touching!" said Orion.

"You are one sick bastard," snarled Sirius.

Orion grinned. "I'll take that to mean you're ready to begin, shall I?"

Remus squealed loudly.

"Not in front of him," said Sirius.

In three paces, Orion was across the room and holding a wand to Remus' head. "Don't think you have a choice, Sirius-darling. Don't go thinking you ever had a choice."

Remus managed to spit out the gag. "Don't do it. Please, Sirius, no! You can't! If you love me, then-"

"Silencio," said Orion and Remus could speak no more. This didn't stop the anguish from showing on his face as he shook his head desperately and mouthed 'no'.

"I do love you," said Sirius simply. The tears of his own eyes were reflected in Remus'. He turned away. "Okay," he said to Orion.

James was soon back in the Star Club, surrounded by wizards, most of who looked surprisingly normal.

He called the pretty barmaid over and ordered a double whisky. "Oh, bugger it," he murmured, gulping it down quickly. "Right."

James elbowed his way through the crowds of people dancing to get to the DJ. "Orion hired me," he said simply. It was enough. He told the man what he wanted, then inquired as to how to get up onto the podium on which Sirius had stripped so recently.

And on that podium, James took a deep breath and nodded to the DJ. The opening bars of 'I'm Every Woman' began to play and the people in the crowd began to point and stare at him. "Bugger it," said James again. He started to dance. Stilettos tapping, the odd hip wiggle, run a hand down his body, wave his arms around... It was all so easy.

And James began to sing.

"I'm every woman, it's all in me!
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally..."

James could see the bouncers moving towards him, wands out. Four of them. Not enough. James whipped his wand out and brandished it threateningly. The people in the crowd, thinking this was part of his act, began to cheer.


"I'm every woman, it's all in me"
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from a to z..."

Six bouncers, no, wait, seven bouncers had appeared now. Not all of them but near enough.

James was ready to fight.

Orion's fingers were too impatient; they fumbled with the buttons on Sirius' shirt. "Beautiful. Beautiful," he repeated the whole time. Sirius kept his eyes shut, though he couldn't keep himself form shuddering as warm clammy hands ran across his naked chest. "So very beautiful." Something wooden touched his bare skin and Sirius' realised that Orion must still have the wand.

Remus shut his eyes as well; wished that he could close his ears.

"You belong to me," whispered Orion, leaning forward so his breath was hot on Sirius' face. "Open your eyes."

Sirius forced himself to open them.

"You belong to me," Orion repeated. "You know that?"

Sirius said nothing; a wand was jabbed into his chest. "Yes," he murmured.

Orion nodded, satisfied. He reached a hand behind Sirius' head and pulled him towards him; forced a kiss on Sirius, who cringed at the taste of whisky and stale breath.

"Strip for me," ordered Orion.

"Experlliarmus!"

"Petrificus totallus!"

"Incendio!"

Downstairs in the Star Club, James was on fine form.

BANG!

Sirius' fingers paused hopefully on the fastening of his trousers. Orion even stopped staring at Sirius long enough for a glance at the floor.

There was a knock on the door. "NO DISTURBANCES!" Orion screeched. "Don't you stop!" he yelled at Sirius, waving his wand angrily.

Sirius did not move. The knock came again, louder, more insistent.

"Strip!"

The knocking turned to hammering.

"FINE!!!!!!!" screamed Orion. The secret door in the wall opened and John the bouncer entered.

"There's an impostor," he said simply.

Orion, still fully clothed, sighed, walked over to the table and grabbed the still-untouched bottle of champagne. He drank from it. Sirius shot John a murderous look.

"Who?" Orion asked in a dangerous tone.

"A drag queen," John answered, shooting a knowing look at Sirius. Remus, who had opened his eyes by now, was the only one in the room to notice that John was gradually turning redder with anger, even as his voice remained calm. He, of course, had no idea that the drag queen was in fact James.

"I have ten bouncers at this club, do I not?" Orion's eyes sparkled with malice.

"Yes."

"And my ten bouncers cannot take on a drag queen without me assist-"

SMASH!

The champagne bottle exploded in Orion's hands and the bloody fragments of glass fell to the floor along with his wand.

"WHAT THE-"

With true Auror reflexes Sirius leapt on top of the blonde haired man, pinning him to the ground. "It was never going to work," he said happily. He slammed a fist into Orion's face. "You complete and utter bastard!" Another fist soon followed the first.

While Orion suffered, John ran over to Remus and untied him.

"Are you alright?"

Remus nodded.

Across the room, Sirius was still hitting Orion. "Leave him!" shouted John. He grabbed Remus' arm and dragged him towards the secret door. "We have to get out of here!"

"STOP!" screamed Orion, as Sirius drew back his arm once more. "PLEASE!"

"We have to get out of here before they murder James!!!" yelled John.

That was all the reminding Sirius needed. "The rope!"

They bound Orion to the foot of his bed with the rope that had tied Remus. They gagged him for good measure and laughed as he squealed angrily. "Come on!" cried Sirius. He shepherded Remus and John out of the room before dashing back for Orion's wand. He broke it over his knee with a smile and took the two fragments with him.

He found Remus and John at the end of the upstairs corridor. The sound of fighting –shrieks, bangs and even the odd cheer- sounded more loudly out here.

Sirius smiled gently at Remus. "Are you alright, love?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," answered John with a wild grin. "But James might not be, if he doesn't get out quickly."

"Consider it done!"

The four men assembled in the street outside the club. James was bleeding from his lip and a cut above his eye. The dress was torn and he had long since discarded the stilettos. He held up two pieces of wood with a sad expression. Orion wasn't the only one to have lost a wand on that day.

"You okay?" Sirius asked James.

"Took on seven of 'em by meself," he said somewhat thickly. He spat a globule of blood onto the floor. "And you?"

"Not too bad." Sirius grinned at Remus. He was still unable to believe his luck. "I guess I should thank you lot..." he said quietly, still grinning.

"It's nothing," said John.

"You owe me one," said James less modestly.

Sirius nodded and turned back to Remus; opened his arms. They embraced.

"Awww..." said John, earning an odd look from James.

And in the end, it was James who brought them to their senses. "We really ought to get away from this place, guys. Any minute now, we'll have some very angry boun-"

As if on cue, two very big, very angry bouncers appeared outside. "GET THEM!"

"RUN!!!" yelled Sirius, grabbing Remus' hand and half-dragging him away. "Run!"

And they ran...

...And ran...

...And kept running. Sirius held Remus' hand in his.

They only stopped when they were six streets away from the Star Club and had lost all traces of pursuit. John and Remus were both panting heavily. James' bare feet were bleeding. He propped himself up against a wall and groaned as he attempted to remove a piece of glass from his left foot.

"You alright, mate?"

James nodded, seemingly engrossed in his task.

Remus had stopped breathing so heavily now and was watching Sirius closely. Sirius took his hand. "Did I ever mention that I loved you?"

Remus said nothing. A glimmer of frustration showed in his face.

"I really thought for a moment that we were done for, didn't you?" Sirius said.

Remus rolled his eyes and Sirius at last noticed that something was wrong. "Are you not speaking to me?"

Remus nodded.

"What have I done?" asked Sirius, dropping Remus' hand and wondering if Remus could really be mad at him for nearly sleeping with Orion.

Silence.

"I had no choice," said Sirius desperately. "Please speak to me."

Remus glared at him and gestured to his lips. He mouthed something that if Sirius could lip-read he would have understood to be 'it's a silencing charm, you bloody idiot!'

As it was Sirius just stared at him. Remus pointed to his mouth again and shook his head. "You've lost your voice?"

A nod.

"You must have been running too fast or something. I'm sure it'll come back and-" The truth dawned on Sirius. "The silencing charm! Oh God! Yes?!"

A bigger nod.

Sirius shook his head. "Christ! I am such a bloody idiot!"

Once again, Remus nodded.

After twenty minutes they began to walk the remaining distance to Sirius and Remus' flat. James, his feet causing him pain, leant on John. It was starting to get dark and few people were walking the streets in this part of London. Sirius held Remus' hand and wished the muggles would lose the damned sodium street lamps that kept him from seeing the stars.

Reaching the corner of the street their flat was on, Sirius smiled to himself. "Home," he murmured. Remus squeezed his hand.

Neither of them noticed the smoke until Lily appeared, running towards them all as fast as a heavily pregnant woman can. She leapt into James' arms, sobbing, at the same time as she cried "They've set it on fire!"

"Who? What?" Sirius demanded.

"Them! Your flat, Sirius. It's on fire!"