Disclaimer: If you want to know where my money is, please contact FAFSA, and the Sallie Mae finance organization. They own my butt. I accordingly, don't own digimon.
AN: Okay, this is a really long chapter, but a lot happens. When I say a lot happens, I mean A LOT happens. My advice to you is to read with care… there's a great deal of important symbolism and subtle hints as to what's going to happen in the future.
Happy reading, and please review!
"Exiles look at non-exiles with resentment. They belong in their surroundings, you feel, whereas an exile is always out of place. What is it like to be born in a place, to stay and live there, to know that you are of it, more or less forever?"
Edward Said
"Reflections on Exile"
Starting school would have been easier, TK felt, if his face hadn't been plastered all over the news for the past two days. Kari had laughed until she cried at the baby pictures of him on the front page of the Tokyo newspapers. Not that he could blame her, of course, if the pictures hadn't been of him, he would have found it hilarious. Now, as he stood in front of the principal's office waiting to be escorted to his homeroom, he could see the students pointing at him and whispering not so discretely behind their hands. For the first time since Kari had given it to him, TK felt an overwhelming urge to don his hat… he'd never realized why he'd been so attached to it… in the past, so to speak. He knew he wouldn't be half as conspicuous if he wasn't one of only two blondes in the entire high school… a hat would have hidden his bright hair, at least. The hat provided a tremendous buffer to the outside world by hiding how different he looked and helping him blend in.
The strict dress code left him no such protection, however, so TK merely ducked his head, allowing his bangs to fall in front of his face, shielding himself somewhat from the stares. He glanced up in time to see Kari pass by with her friends, gracefully pretending she didn't know him, but throwing him a smile somewhat warmer and much more comforting than a stranger would warrant. That was all he'd needed, though, that secret smile to hold onto, the reassurance that he knew someone, that he was not alone in this.
Kari's smile reminded him that he wouldn't ever be alone, in this or anything. It also reminded him that he had a disgruntled but determined Patamon stuffed into his backpack, who had refused point blank to let him out of his sight for more than a few minutes since their reunion two days before. Not that TK had minded, really, as he had frequently needed someone sane to talk to in the chaos of placement tests and psychological exams. He had been pleased to find that, due to the mostly one-on-one education he had received in the convent, he was not far behind his Japanese peers, except in Japanese history and literature, and that he was in fact ahead of them in foreign languages, American history, and western literature. It was a great relief to him to know that he would be in the same grade level as Kari and even Davis.
"Hey."
TK jumped, startled, and glanced up in surprise to see Yamato standing before him, silhouetted in shade against the pale morning light streaming through the school doors. The glare made it hard to read the older boy's face, but TK thought he saw an almost hesitant neutrality there, as though Matt was suppressing something he wanted to say. They hadn't spoken since their disastrous reunion, much to the chagrin and bewilderment of their parents, who couldn't imagine what had come between the once inseparable brothers.
TK replied softly, not really knowing what to say. "Good morning…"
/Don't reject me! / TK wondered if his thoughts were evident on his face.
Matt was silent for a moment, his expression inscrutable, before speaking again. "Dad said you placed well in your exams."
/Are you proud of me? /
TK shrugged, smiling slightly. "I did OK, I guess."
Looking into the morning light, Matt seemed to collect himself before glancing back at his brother. TK was cast in the full sunlight before him, the colors of his uniform and hair blazing in the strength of the summer sun. The light was almost too bright to look at.
"Well, I guess I'll see you around, then." Matt turned away, heading quickly and with exaggerated casualness down the corridor. TK pushed himself off the wall, staring at his brother's figure as he strode away.
Then, in that parting moment, he saw it. Just as Kari had described it, the color and life seemed to drain away from Matt, and to TK's eyes he was not walking down the hall but into an ocean of shadow. The shadows seemed to stretch through the hall, entwining around Matt and reaching hungrily towards TK. As it neared, the sunlight from the doors seemed to flare around him, eclipsing the light of his crest that had stirred to life beneath his uniform. The light burned through him, waking him from his shocked stupor.
/No… NO! Say something, stupid! Stop this! Say something now!! /
"MATT!"
The people who had faded from his notice reappeared, staring at him as he shouted down the hall, not seeming to see the Shadow or the Light. The Shadow vanished like the pale remnants of nightmare but the blazing Light remained, burning through him like compelling fire. He struggled for a moment, fighting the light and his crest, struggling for his own voice with which to speak… his own words to say.
/I am the dawn, the rising force. Take my hand and step away from the Shadow. I am the first to rise and the last to fall. Let me be your shelter. Let me lend you Hope. /
/Hmph… how about letting ME handle this? /
Matt had turned back, the shadow leaving him, but TK knew it was a reprieve that could not last.
"Ummm… can we talk? Later tonight?"
Matt stared back at him for a long moment, through the bustling crowds of students growing blissfully about their ordinary lives; unaware of what lay beneath the light and shadows through which they so blithely walked.
"I have band practice."
"It's important…please?"
Time seemed to stretch out between the brothers, and Matt bit his lip, considering his options carefully. Finally he conceded to the pleading in his brother's eyes, just as he'd known he would all along. Twelve years later and it was still impossible to say no to those sad, begging eyes. "Alright, I'll meet you after practice… where are you staying, again?"
TK grimaced, shifting his laden book bag slightly. "I'm staying with the Jesuits until… until I decide, I guess."
The tension that had almost disappeared leapt to the fore once more, and Matt seemed sobered by the reminder of their situation. "Oh… well, I'll meet you there at seven-ish, okay?"
Smiling brilliantly, TK nodded enthusiastically. "That would be great. Thanks."
After a second, Matt smiled back, hesitantly, as though the gesture was unfamiliar to him. "Don't mention it."
Still smiling, TK turned as the principal touched his shoulder gently, indicating that he should follow her. Things were definitely beginning to look up… now if only they would stay that way.
She's like the windThrough my trees
She rides the night
Next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
And she doesn't know what she's done…
Just a fool to believe I could be anything she needs…
She's like the wind…
"She's like the Wind"
Dirty Dancing
Slam!
Bounce… bounce…
Slam!
Davis was not happy with the way his day had been going thus far, and it was only just after three. Catching the rebounding soccer ball on his calf, he allowed it to settle onto the grass before sending it again towards the concrete wall of the school. He continued the soothing rhythm of the exercise, taking pleasure in the increasingly loud sound the ball was making as it struck the wall. The sun beat down on the mostly deserted schoolyard, the blazing heat having sent almost all of the students fleeing for their homes as soon as school let out. He would have gone home himself, if not for the meeting they were supposed to be having in the Digital World this very moment.
Supposed to be having… if Kari hadn't wanted to wait for HIM.
Bounce…bounce… SLAM!
HE had showed up in their homeroom this morning, to the surprise and excitement of most of the rest of the class… especially the girls. They thought the fact that he had been kidnapped as a child and had survived to come back was the most amazing thing they had ever heard. In all honesty, Davis had felt pretty bad for the guy when he'd seen him in all the newspapers… it had to be really hard, losing your whole life like that. Jun could be a pain sometimes, but he'd never want to be taken from his family, certainly not for twelve years… and then to have your misfortune plastered all over the news? No, thank you!
So, he'd felt understandably bad for the guy… until he showed up in class and smiled at Kari in a way that made the rest of the class feel invisible. As if that wasn't bad enough, Kari had smiled back at him in the same strange way, as though they knew each other, and they both knew something the rest of the world would never be able to guess.
It wasn't until lunch that Davis found out what the secret smiles were about… TP, it turned out, was the missing digi-destined of Hope. Kari had known his brother well in the digital world, so she wanted to help TS, and planned to show him around the digital world that afternoon and introduce him to the others.
Davis wanted to show him something, all right… preferably the door.
Kari had been adamant, however, as had Yolei, when she'd met TD at lunch. Cody had also been enthusiastic, in his own quiet way, when he'd heard the news after school. All in all, TF had gotten along well with everyone, although he'd stuck to Kari's side for most of the day. She hadn't seemed to mind, either… Davis knew Kari to be a friendly girl, but he'd never seen her open up to anyone so fast, even a digi-destined. It really was like they knew each other, but that was impossible.
Wasn't it?
Only two people knew the truth, and Davis didn't feel particularly inclined to ask either of them.
SLAM! CRASH!
"Crap!" Davis spat as his soccer ball bounced off a tree and into some decorative bushes outside of the main office. With his luck, he'd end up suspended on top of everything else. Creeping over to where his ball had landed, Davis inspected the bushes for any permanent damage. There didn't seem to be any, so after lamely attempting to shake them back into their original shapes, Davis grabbed his ball and began to execute a strategic retreat.
"Can you tell me how much you do remember?"
"Nothing, really… the first thing I remember clearly is the convent."
"Nothing before that?"
"Just… just darkness."
Davis started as he recognized TK's voice… and then remembered he'd had an appointment after school, with the state's psychiatrist. His conscience told him he should leave, but a sudden curiosity made him pause.
"And while you lived in Alaska, some twelve years, you remembered nothing of your life here?"
"No, nothing."
"And… your scars? You have no idea how you got them?"
"No. I don't remember anything from… just darkness, that's all."
"Darkness? You were in a dark place? A basement, perhaps?"
"Maybe… I really couldn't say. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful…"
"Nonsense, Takeru. You're being more helpful than you know."
"TK."
"I'm sorry…?"
"My name… it's TK."
"Of course. Now… you realize that the scars on your wrists appear to be restraint scars."
"Yes, that's what Jo—the doctors told me."
"The doctors believe you were chained for an extended period of time… possibly for several months… and you remember nothing of this?"
"No… I'm sorry, I just don't remember any of it."
Suddenly overwhelmed with guilt for overhearing such a private exchange, Davis crept away, pondering over what he'd heard. Scars… chains… where could he have been…? It couldn't have something to do with the Digital World, could it? No longer angry but with a great deal to think about, Davis resumed bouncing his ball off the side of the building, allowing the steady rhythm to lull him back into a meditative state.
Like barley bendingIn low fields by the sea,
Singing in the hard wind
Ceaselessly;
Like barley bending
And rising again,
So would I, unbroken,
Rise from pain;
So would I softly,
Day and night long,
Change my sorrow
Into song.
"Like Barley Bending"
Sarah Teasdale
"TK! Over here!"
Cody waved his hand to the taller boy, attempting to attract his attention. TK stared at him for a long moment before he seemed to see the smaller boy, coming over to where he waited in the computer lab with the other new digi-destined children. Kari frowned at him in concern, noting the exhausted look in his eyes.
"Are you okay?" She asked, her voice laced with worry.
TK shrugged, rubbing his wrists absently. "I'm okay… no really! That was just a… longer session than I'd expected. Don't worry about me."
Pressing her lips into a thin line, Kari gave TK a stern look that promised him he'd be hearing more about this later, when they were alone and she could speak freely. Until then she allowed her expression to convey her displeasure, despite the tired but disarming smile he gave in reply.
"Are we going, already?" Patamon asked, also hoping to get TK alone, and thinking that the Digital world would give him ample opportunity for that. He'd almost jumped out of TK's backpack and attacked that psychiatrist woman for the questions she had been asking. Only his partner's stern hold on the bag's zipper had restrained him. TK had already given him a lecture on self-control on their way here, although Patamon didn't plan on listening to any of it. He understood that people were going to ask his Chosen child painful questions, but that certainly didn't mean he had to like it.
He didn't plan on ever liking it.
TK took at deep breath, looking at the computer screen with a slightly wary expression. This would be his first time in the digital world since… since then. "Yeah… I'm ready when you guys are."
Davis glanced at him with a thoughtful expression, before nodding decisively. "Let's go, then!"
With a whir of the modem and a flash of light, they were gone.
Gennai stood at the mouth of a cave, waiting patiently. His patience was soon rewarded as the TV in front if him lit up for a moment before spitting out five teenagers and their partners, who materialized before his eyes. As the last two teens fully appeared, Gennai felt something click deep within the code, like a chord of music rippling, powerful yet silent, through the very fabric of the world around him. Now it was truly beginning…
Kari gave TK's hand a firm squeeze before dropping it, smiling at the memory of his expression when she'd grabbed it right before they passed through the gate. TK smiled sheepishly at her for a moment, before snapping his head up and looking around at the world around him. When he looked at her with a raised eyebrow, she merely nodded, indicating that, whatever the tremor had been, she had felt it too. She flicked her eyes toward Gennai; somewhat surprised to see the elder there… they rarely saw him since the rise of the Digimon Emperor.
But then, considering the circumstances, she wasn't terribly surprised that he would choose today of all days to appear to them. TK seemed bemused to see the elder as well, and Patamon looked downright furious, narrowing his wide eyes when the elderly man glanced their way.
"Well, children! What a surprise to see you all! What brings you here this fine day?"
Even Davis snorted at that, not believing for a moment that the elder hadn't planned this meeting down to the smallest detail. Seeing that the gig was up, as it were, Gennai approached them firmly, stopping directly in front of TK. Patamon swelled in a rage that was unusual for the normally sweet tempered little digimon, and Kari stepped closer to the boy, projecting an aura of protective solidarity. All three were thinking, at that moment, of the suffering that Gennai's inaction had caused for the boy. None of them were thinking particularly forgiving thoughts, although only Patamon's currently involved violence… yet.
"You must be Takeru, the Bearer of Hope. I owe you an apology, young man, a great one. My mistakes were the reason you suffered, and my inability to act allowed you to remain in the clutches of Darkness for far longer than necessary. Your survival is due entirely to your extraordinarily courageous Patamon, who went alone to a place where an army of angels would fear to tread. I can only say in my defense that I acted always in the best interest of the digital world. It would be too much to hope for your forgiveness."
TK wanted to be angry… he wanted to tell the man everything, everything that had been done to him on Spiral Mountain, wanted to show him the scars he bore, mentally and physically. He wanted to grab the man and shake him, to ask him how he was supposed to repair the twelve years worth of desolation and destruction done to his family. But something held him back, and for once it wasn't his crest. It was Sister Augustine's voice, sliding across his memory as though she stood before him that very moment, admonition in her eyes and a sad smile on her face.
Forgive, Takeru. We are taught to forgive, to make allowances. We are none of us perfect in this world. We must judge others, as we would have them judge us, with a heart full of mercy… with a heart full of hope…
/Damn it! Can't I just be mad for once? For a little while? /
"It's… it's okay… it wasn't your fault. You did what you thought was best." It wasn't until after he'd spoken that TK realized that he hadn't said the right words. He had absolved Gennai of his guilt, but he hadn't said he'd forgiven him. Maybe that was too much to hope for, for now, at least. Sensing the boy's train of thought, Gennai nodded, not unsurprised that TK was not yet ready to forgive him. The Child of Hope still had a lot of healing to do before he could come to terms with all that happened to him. Until that time, any forgiveness would be shallow and incomplete, as anger must be faced before it can be released.
"Thank you for your understanding, Takeru. I imagine you're all wondering why I'm here this afternoon—"
"No kidding!" Davis snorted, prompting an amused giggle from Vee-mon.
The others said nothing, merely sparing Davis amused or exasperated glances. Gennai watched the chemistry of the disjointed group, noting where each child stood and whom they each glanced at as they waited for him to continue. Hmmm… Hope and Light seemed… it couldn't be… what would that mean for the Digital World? What would it mean for the dynamics of both groups of destined children?
Perhaps it would be worth encouraging… despite some choices that may be made in the future by the Powers…
Seeing that the children… the teenagers, really, were becoming antsy, he smiled slightly. "Well, Takeru, why don't you go in and get your digi-egg, and all of you can get started cleaning up the Darkness."
TK's eyes flicked to the dark mouth of the cave and back to the elder, his expression stoic. He wondered if that was all he was to Gennai… a tool, a weapon, along with Kari and the rest of the Chosen children. Looking back at the cave and thinking of the weapon that lay within, TK wondered if he would ever be any more than that.
Squaring his shoulders, he nodded slightly and headed towards the mouth of the cave, with Patamon fluttering faithfully at his side. He'd only gotten a few steps when he heard someone fall into step behind him, without a word. He knew without looking back that it was Kari.
Gennai watched the pair enter the cave with a speculative gleam in his eyes and a tiny, sad smile on his face.
This doubt is screaming in my faceIn this familiar place
Sheltered and concealed
And if this night won't let me rest
Don't let me second guess
What I know to be real
Put away all I know for tonight
And maybe I just might
Learn to let it go…
Take my security from me
And maybe finally
I won't have to know everything…
I am against myself again
Trying to fit these pieces in
Walking on a cloud of dust to
Get to you…
I am falling into grace
To the unknown
To where you are
And faith makes everybody scared…
I am…
Falling into grace…
"Unknown"
Lifehouse
The words were still screaming in his ears… the battle flashing before his eyes… the dark rings crashing and shattering…
**Pegasusmon…Flying Hope! **
"Are you alright, TK?"
The boy raised haunted eyes to Kari, looking at her for the first time since they began the walk home. Neither teen had said anything when the girl had appeared beside him, walking in the opposite direction of her home. He really didn't think he'd be able to speak, anyway… he'd forgotten what the fighting was like… or maybe he just hadn't wanted to remember…
He wanted to forget that he was good at it…
**Star Shower! **
He wanted to forget that it was exhilarating…
**Nefertimon! Angel of Light! **
He wanted to forget the feeling of loathing that had welled up in him when he saw the Darkness…
They had reached the wrought iron gate of the monastery, opening into the small gardens surrounding the several buildings maintained by the brothers. Inside the purple dusk was falling on the neatly maintained rows of vegetables and the wild English garden, filled with heather and roses, silent in the looming dark. Outside the gate, where they stood, the cars rushed past and people hustled down the street, brushing past the hushed teens. Over their heads, the spires of the church reached into the illuminated sky, silhouetting the wings of marble angels against the setting sun.
TK turned away from the girl, gripping the elegantly twisted black bars of the gate between his hands, and breathing deeply, smelling the strange mix of car exhaust and roses. He could hear Patamon snoring in his backpack that sat beside his feet, and knew that Gatomon was probably also asleep in Kari's backpack, which had appeared beside his own a moment after he'd stopped. He leaned his forehead against the gate, attempting to calm himself.
**Rosetta Stone! **
"Kari… I—I don't know… I don't think I can do this."
He couldn't bear to turn around and look at her, at the girl who was so brave and unfailing, who stood like steel through all that befell her. He heard her behind him, her breathing ragged and uneven, comforting and painful all at once. Then her arms wrapped around his stomach, her hands grabbing fistfuls of his white uniform shirt. She laid her head against his back, and he could feel her voice vibrate along his spine when she spoke.
"I know… I know, but TK… I'm so tired. I'm so tired off all of this and I can't do it by myself. I don't want to lean on you, but if you aren't there I know I'll fall…" Her whisper fell away, and for a long moment they just breathed together, she huddled against his back and he leaning against the gate.
**Pegasusmon! Aim for the control spire! **
His grip tightened against the gate until his knuckles turned white. Behind him, Kari's breathing had steadied, but he could feel her tears soaking his shirt.
**The spire!! Nefertimon, help him! **The bells began to sound in the monastery, calling the brothers to evening prayers. The sound rippled across the pale twilight, brushing past the two warriors, quiet and forlorn in the last weak light of day. TK felt his Crest warm against his chest, and Kari's from where it was pressed against his back. The sound of the bells began to fill him, drowning out his thoughts, until he felt empty of everything but the sound of that ringing harmony in the summer night.
** Flying Hope! **
His Crest turned to fire as he twisted, turning until he was facing Kari, with her against the gate. He could see the tracks of tears across her soft cheeks, but her eyes were dry now. The looked out at him behind a wall of fear and anguish, and something else. Her fingers twisted in his shirt, and he could feel the loneliness radiating off her. He wondered if she could feel him the same way. He wondered if she could feel how frightened he was of the Darkness, how haunted and lost he felt.
** Angel of Light! **
As if in answer to his unspoken question, TK suddenly saw her Light, flaring around them both, just before she kissed him. His Crest blazed in answer as he pressed her against the gate, deepening the kiss and ignoring the voice in his head that suggested that this was a very bad idea. The two desperate teens fell into each other, stumbling against the immovable iron of the gate. None of the passersby seemed to see the Light, for some reason barely giving notice to the unusual sight of the amorous pair.
**I had hoped… **
**I'm so tired…I can't fight it anymore…**
**NO! You can't give up! If you're dying, than so am I… **
**I hoped, too **
**Why won't you let me help her! Please… **
**Gate of Destiny! **
His tears mixed with hers as they fell, causing him to find his senses and break away at last. They stood panting for a long moment, their Crests still humming with their combined energy. It felt to TK like the earth beneath their feet was humming with their combined energy…
Kari began to blush furiously as she realized what they'd done. She untwined her fingers from his shirt and he stepped politely away from her, also blushing somewhat. He rubbed his tears away with the back of his hand, attempting to pull back into himself, to center his feelings. Kari allowed her tears to continue falling, looking up at him from beneath her bangs.
"That was stupid, wasn't it…?" She whispered, her voice remorseless.
He caught her chin, forcing her to look up at him, to see that he wasn't sorry either. "Nothing you do is ever stupid."
She snorted. "Wanna bet?"
He grabbed her nervously twinning fingers, lacing them through his own. "I don't know if this is something we should… we can pursue. Especially considering… considering everything. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't need that… I feel more… more real now than I ever have before, in any life. This is real, Kari, and this is the only solid thing in my life… maybe the only real, solid thing I've ever had."
Kari smiled tremulously, her tears slowly ceasing. "This IS real, TK. It always has been, for us. But I don't know if…"
"You're right… we can't… let this cloud our judgment right now. This can wait… we can wait. We should probably get to know each other outside of dreams, anyway. We can't be like this." TK wasn't as sure as his words sounded, he wasn't as certain as he thought he should be. It was hard to fight desire to be selfish and irresponsible, to, just for one moment, forget the rest of the world and live purely for himself. Standing in front of her in the fading light, it would be so easy to forget everything, to be fifteen for a short while.
But that wasn't an option for them, and they both knew it. So it was with heavy hearts but a renewed since of unity that they pulled away from each other, smiling sadly in the gathering gloom. Kari gathered her bag, preparing to head back towards her home.
TK caught her hand as she pulled away, smiling with no sadness but with an expression of great hope. "Thank you Kari… thanks for being here, for letting me lean on you for awhile. You—you can lean on me whenever you need to, I hope you know that. I'll always be there, be strong for you."
Kari's expression of shocked pleasure doubled when raised her hands to his lips and kissed them softly.
"No, TK. Thank you… for everything."
TK sighed as he shut the door of his temporary bedroom behind him, leaning against it with an exhausted sigh. So much had happened today, all he wanted to do was fall into bed and pretend he didn't exist for a while. Sleep for a while and hope that he didn't dream about Kari… he'd prefer a nightmare to that kind of frustration. Pulling a still sleeping Patamon out of his bag, he set the digimon on his pillow, watching in amusement as the small creature merely sighed and curled into a deeper ball. At least his and Kari's little light show earlier hadn't woken him.
He had only staggered part way to the bathroom when a knock sounded on his door. Glancing at his watch, he saw it was a quarter to eight. Who could possibly be…?
"Oh, no! I forgot about Matt!"
Raking a hand through his disheveled hair, TK opened the door cautiously, expecting to see his estranged brother standing on the other side, probably escorted by one of the Jesuits. To his surprise, he saw just a priest standing on the other side, looking concerned.
"Ahh, Takeru, you're back. I was just going to tell you that your father called twice this evening. It seems no one has seen your brother since the end of school today, and he missed his band practice. Your father wondered if he was with you. He left a number where you can reach him… Takeru? Takeru! My word! Young man, are you alright?"
TK gripped the doorframe, the blood draining from his face, unable to reply. He knew where Matt was, beyond a shadow of a doubt. If he hadn't been so preoccupied with other things, he may have noticed sooner. Maybe he would have recognized the feeling of shadowed unease he'd felt so often… the metallic taste on his tongue and the tingling of guilt and fear in his veins, crawling across his skin. The feeling of Evil.
The feeling of Despair.
He wished this hadn't happened so soon… he'd wanted more time to prepare.
Matt was in the Dark Ocean… and prepared or not, TK would have to follow him and face whatever awaited him there, now, tonight…
Looking over at his exhausted Digimon, he knew… he would have to do it. He'd have to go alone… alone into the Shadow for the second time in his life.
The priest was shocked when the boy looked up at him, a look of fear and resolve painted over his features. He stumbled back out of the way as the boy brushed past him, running down the hall like the devil was chasing him.
Maybe it was.