Those Pressing Little Questions
Disclaimer: Lucius Malfoy is the only person in this fic who belongs to J.K. Rowling. And his personality was completely designed by me. So was the rest of the story, too!
Author's Note: Finally, updates! I have 5 more questions answered for you all! Please give me more ideas, though, because that's the only way you'll get more updates! Okay, this is funny (I thought it was, anyway,) but the ending is lame. Seriously. Read and review anyway, please!
2- The Making of Evil
Why is Lucius Malfoy so evil?
Lucius Malfoy was born peacefully on a sunny day in England. He had cute black eyes.
By the age of two, he was walking and talking. He had a pet rabbit named Fluffy.
At the age of four, Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was explained to him. The conversation went like this:
"It's the best wizarding school, and hopefully, the fool Dumbledore won't be headmaster much longer. Hufflepuff is one of the houses- they're all fools- and Ravenclaws can be pretty decent, but they're too soft. Gryffindors are stupid, and Slytherins are wonderful people you will associate with."
There was a pause as the four year-old digested this information. Then he asked, "Will there be bunnies there?"
By the age of five, he knew his favorite animal- a bunny. Lucius' father bought him a python, but Lucius didn't like it at all. His dislike increased when it ate Fluffy. Fluffy was buried, and Lucius mercifully let the python free into the wild, understanding that pythons ate bunnies, and Fluffy's death was a part of life.
When he was eight, Lucius was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. He replied, "A teacher, or maybe a circus owner. But I'll be happy with living on a farm and raising bunnies."
Mr. Malfoy was seething. Mrs. Malfoy was worried, for her son and for her furniture, because objects had a way of blowing up when Mr. Malfoy was angry.
There seemed to be no way to make Lucius evil. Mr. Malfoy had certainly tried- potions, charms, medicines, Dark Magic, ancient spiritual rituals, expert books (including Make-Your-Child-Evil-For-Dummies,) parental example, reading evil books to Lucius, close-to-death experiences, tribal remedies, dreamcatchers, totem poles, power infusions, making Lucius watch muggle TV shows directed at toddlers, and asking the magic cow, all of which seemed to be expensive and do absolutely nothing. Mr. Malfoy had even picked a star every night to wish on (it was cheaper.) Lucius was still docile, gentle, and kind, the exact opposite of what a Malfoy should be.
Lucius turned eleven, and received a letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Mr. Malfoy was frantic, expecially when Lucius started saying how nice Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors seemed.
Something had to be done- and fast.
Then Mrs. Malfoy's mother suggested something they hadn't tried yet- hypnotism. So five days before school started, Lucius was taken to see Madam Milara, supposedly the best wizard hypnotist around.
In no time at all, Lucius sat on a chair opposite Madam Milara. She took out a muggle yo-yo and lifted it to where it was right in front of Lucius' eyes.
"Watch the yo-y... I mean, magic pendulum, please," she said in a creaky voice that sounded more like a river than a voice. Sure, Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy would be upset if they found out Lucius had been hypnotized by a yo-yo and not a magic pendulum, as tradition required, but what they didn'y know couldn't hurt them, and besides, magic pendulums were expensive these days. And you can't do tricks with a magic pendulum.
Lucius looked very dizzy by now as Madam Mirara swung the yo-yo back...
And forth...
. ...And back...
And forth...
. ...And back...
And forth...
"STOP!" cried all the annoyed readers who were currently reading.
"You are getting very sleepy," Madam Milara intoned, unable to resist using the cliché line that everyone seems to expect hypnotists to say.
"I am getting very sleepy," Lucius said, yawning.
"Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy," said Madam Milara, making her voice waver dramatically.
"Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy," repeated Lucius- why wasn't he falling asleep? This kid was hopeless.
"SHUT UP!" Madam Milara yelled, annoyed that Lucius was acting like a parrot before she hypnotized him to.
"Shut... up..." Lucius finally fell asleep. Madam Milara glared. He would pay for slighting the reputation of the famous, magnificent, beautiful Madam Milara. But right now, she'd get the job done.
"You are very evil," she whispered. Lucius was silent. Well, he was asleep. "Let the evilness sink in. You are the evilest of evil."
Now for revenge. What would he think he was... a cow- no, too noisy... a horse- no, that wouldn't wear off too easy... a duck...
Yes. That would do nicely. An 'unknown side-effect' of the hypnotism, that Lucius would have the voice of a duck. Revenge, and then she'd get even more money because she'd have to cure him. Milara liked money. The more, the better. Yes, he'd pay for angering her...
Later...
"'ee's an evil kid, 'ee is," Thom, assistant nurse at St. Mungo's told his wife. "pee-yure evil. Keeps givin' me these nasty looks, lahke the ones 'yoo see on the convic's in Azkaban. Strange, though. Never says anytin' but Quack. Boilin' mad, the lot of those Malfoys. Never says a word but quack..."