Chapter 14
By the time I stumbled through the doorway I was dizzy with the throbbing of my arm. What's wrong with me? Pain used to not affect me this way. And now-now it makes me so weak. Is this what it means to be a true human- someone that actually has emotions? I crumpled into an armchair. Then everything; my thoughts and my fears drained from my mind as I drifted into an unsettling sleep. A twinge of pain from my wrist caused me to twitch awake. My sight was slightly blurred in the first moments of waking. I pushed a few strands of stray hair from my eyes and exhaled heavily, re-living all the terrorizing events from earlier that morning. Upon the floor in front of me was a figure hunched over scrutinizing a piece of parchment. I sleepily tried to focus, but the room kept slipping in and out of view. The person glanced up at me. From what I could make out it was a girl, but my attention was abruptly averted by the increasing sting from my self-inflicted burn. Wait, I know that face-Hermione... I leaned forward making sure not to disturb my wrist, and looked down to see what interested her so much. My book... the sketches... She mustn't see them! She mustn't know what I've done! "What are you doing?!!" I had pushed myself up from the chair despite the burn's objection. Anger's acidic clutch ate away at my heart as I took out all my frustration on her from the past few days. "How could you?! These are my things! You have no right!" "I'm sorry." She bowed her head submissively trying to show regret, but my fit of rage could not be stopped. I tore the notebook from her hands. "Is this what you wanted to see?!" I shoved the notebook into her face, "Yes Hermione, these are my sins! I've carried them for all my life!" "Please listen Raven, I didn't mean any harm," Hermione was frantic to try to calm me down. I took the notebook and flung it into the fireplace. It began to smolder, their faces graying before breaking into brilliant light and disintegrating into darkness. Hermione turned from me determinedly and scrambled to drag the notebook's remains from the ashes. She bent over consumed with putting out the flames. With my darkest secrets exposed I felt naked, vulnerable. This can't be happening... I fell to my knees; running my hands through my hair pulling at its roots and rocking nervously backward and forth. "They were always there, staring at me. And now I've burnt them till not even their souls remain yet I still see them!" I rambled insanely. Hermione turned to find me shaking. She lightly shook my shoulder, but I continued staring straight ahead into what seemed an endless void of desolation. I was cut off from everyone, in a field full of ashes where hope was a deadened truth. "They're still there even now. And it was I who killed them. I enjoyed it. I loved to see their blood flow over the pavement and watch them plead for mercy. I was a god, who could take or give life-it was my choice. Now for the first time I feel their despair and I can not bare it," my voice fluttered, "Don't you see? I am the coward! I even tried to blame my faults on Voldemort's evil when it was my own darkness that killed them! I am a monster. I'm only hiding behind a human mask." "You're making no sense. Try to relax, you're just overly upset," Hermione tried to sound calm, but she was visibly upset. Trying to be reassuring she took my quivering hands into her own softly sculpted ones. Her face contorted at the sight of the burn yet struggled to continue evenly, "No you're not. You've saved Harry and my lives. How much of a monster can you be if you did all that?" With a mother's gentleness she helped me to the couch where I lay morbidly. "I just want to die; to make this all go away. This torment and confusion... Can't you even comprehend the excess of what I've done? And to think-I don't even have any tears left to cry for the humanity I lost... so many years ago." "Never think that way. Even when things seem at their worst we still have the gift of our lives... you should never waist it because you started to doubt yourself. And besides I wouldn't let you." Under the circumstances I was a bird crippled and featherless; unable to break free of its grounded cage. But Hermione's sheer innocence served as a temporary shelter that protected me from the demons of my past. She smoothly turned over my arm to examine the burn.
"Why did you do this to yourself?" I rolled over to look at her.
"I don't know," I spoke blandly.
"Well I think you should go see Madam Pomfrey to heal this."
I ignored her and continued, "He was there this morning."
"Who?"
"Voldemort." She practically spazzed at the sound of his name, "He was here in Hogwarts?! We have to go warn Dumbledore!"
"No, not in Hogwarts." I was getting quite perturbed at her neurotic tendency to get upset over the slightest mention of his name, "In my mind... I guess. But I don't want you telling anyone."
"Not even Dumbledore?"
"Especially not him. He already thinks of me as a possible risk to the school's safety. I don't want his presumptions augmented into something more twisted. And I warn you Granger, you speak a word of this and I will..."
"You'll what? You know I'm a better dueler than you (Uh-huh. I beg to differ.)," she smirked humorously, "Oh and by the way, stop calling me by my last name-you sound like Snape the way you say it."
"Fine, but you won't..."
"I promise, but I don't think that's the right thing to do."
"Being right has nothing to do with my privacy." She gave me a gravely disapproving look, but I glared straight back.
"Alright, let's go down we're going to be late to classes."
By the time I stumbled through the doorway I was dizzy with the throbbing of my arm. What's wrong with me? Pain used to not affect me this way. And now-now it makes me so weak. Is this what it means to be a true human- someone that actually has emotions? I crumpled into an armchair. Then everything; my thoughts and my fears drained from my mind as I drifted into an unsettling sleep. A twinge of pain from my wrist caused me to twitch awake. My sight was slightly blurred in the first moments of waking. I pushed a few strands of stray hair from my eyes and exhaled heavily, re-living all the terrorizing events from earlier that morning. Upon the floor in front of me was a figure hunched over scrutinizing a piece of parchment. I sleepily tried to focus, but the room kept slipping in and out of view. The person glanced up at me. From what I could make out it was a girl, but my attention was abruptly averted by the increasing sting from my self-inflicted burn. Wait, I know that face-Hermione... I leaned forward making sure not to disturb my wrist, and looked down to see what interested her so much. My book... the sketches... She mustn't see them! She mustn't know what I've done! "What are you doing?!!" I had pushed myself up from the chair despite the burn's objection. Anger's acidic clutch ate away at my heart as I took out all my frustration on her from the past few days. "How could you?! These are my things! You have no right!" "I'm sorry." She bowed her head submissively trying to show regret, but my fit of rage could not be stopped. I tore the notebook from her hands. "Is this what you wanted to see?!" I shoved the notebook into her face, "Yes Hermione, these are my sins! I've carried them for all my life!" "Please listen Raven, I didn't mean any harm," Hermione was frantic to try to calm me down. I took the notebook and flung it into the fireplace. It began to smolder, their faces graying before breaking into brilliant light and disintegrating into darkness. Hermione turned from me determinedly and scrambled to drag the notebook's remains from the ashes. She bent over consumed with putting out the flames. With my darkest secrets exposed I felt naked, vulnerable. This can't be happening... I fell to my knees; running my hands through my hair pulling at its roots and rocking nervously backward and forth. "They were always there, staring at me. And now I've burnt them till not even their souls remain yet I still see them!" I rambled insanely. Hermione turned to find me shaking. She lightly shook my shoulder, but I continued staring straight ahead into what seemed an endless void of desolation. I was cut off from everyone, in a field full of ashes where hope was a deadened truth. "They're still there even now. And it was I who killed them. I enjoyed it. I loved to see their blood flow over the pavement and watch them plead for mercy. I was a god, who could take or give life-it was my choice. Now for the first time I feel their despair and I can not bare it," my voice fluttered, "Don't you see? I am the coward! I even tried to blame my faults on Voldemort's evil when it was my own darkness that killed them! I am a monster. I'm only hiding behind a human mask." "You're making no sense. Try to relax, you're just overly upset," Hermione tried to sound calm, but she was visibly upset. Trying to be reassuring she took my quivering hands into her own softly sculpted ones. Her face contorted at the sight of the burn yet struggled to continue evenly, "No you're not. You've saved Harry and my lives. How much of a monster can you be if you did all that?" With a mother's gentleness she helped me to the couch where I lay morbidly. "I just want to die; to make this all go away. This torment and confusion... Can't you even comprehend the excess of what I've done? And to think-I don't even have any tears left to cry for the humanity I lost... so many years ago." "Never think that way. Even when things seem at their worst we still have the gift of our lives... you should never waist it because you started to doubt yourself. And besides I wouldn't let you." Under the circumstances I was a bird crippled and featherless; unable to break free of its grounded cage. But Hermione's sheer innocence served as a temporary shelter that protected me from the demons of my past. She smoothly turned over my arm to examine the burn.
"Why did you do this to yourself?" I rolled over to look at her.
"I don't know," I spoke blandly.
"Well I think you should go see Madam Pomfrey to heal this."
I ignored her and continued, "He was there this morning."
"Who?"
"Voldemort." She practically spazzed at the sound of his name, "He was here in Hogwarts?! We have to go warn Dumbledore!"
"No, not in Hogwarts." I was getting quite perturbed at her neurotic tendency to get upset over the slightest mention of his name, "In my mind... I guess. But I don't want you telling anyone."
"Not even Dumbledore?"
"Especially not him. He already thinks of me as a possible risk to the school's safety. I don't want his presumptions augmented into something more twisted. And I warn you Granger, you speak a word of this and I will..."
"You'll what? You know I'm a better dueler than you (Uh-huh. I beg to differ.)," she smirked humorously, "Oh and by the way, stop calling me by my last name-you sound like Snape the way you say it."
"Fine, but you won't..."
"I promise, but I don't think that's the right thing to do."
"Being right has nothing to do with my privacy." She gave me a gravely disapproving look, but I glared straight back.
"Alright, let's go down we're going to be late to classes."