Jacob, trapped on an alien planet with a memory-impaired SG-1. This is gonna be funny, or painful, or both.
See previous chapter for details and stuff
Authors Note: Don't read this, the story is down there. Go, read the story...I'm not kidding, stop it...this isn't funny...you're not going to gain anything by reading this...you're just taking up more of your time...man, you MUST be bored...extremely bored...there's no joke here...seriously, I just wrote this to see how far you would go...although I didn't think it would go THIS far...really, I appreciate your enthusiasm...but don't you want to read the story instead?
Chapter 8
The rest of SG-1 and Jacob/Selmak were waiting on the other side of the wormhole when Daniel Jackson came hurtling through, flying bodily into Sam. The two members of SG-1 landed on top of one another just a moment before the wormhole from Earth closed, leaving the entire party on PV8-366.
Jacob/Selmak could tell just how difficult this mission would be when the first thing that happened following their arrival on planet was Jack assaulting Daniel for being on top of their daughter in a rather compromising position. "Teal'c, hold him!"
"Verywell,GeneralCarter." The big Jaffa pinned O'Neill's arms behind his back, struggling to keep the very irate colonel from tearing apart their archaeologist. (Teal'c Oo)
"Teal'c, c'mon, let go!" Jack bellowed at the top of his lungs.
"Asyouwish,O'Neill." And he did. And Jack tackled Daniel, stopping partway through the maneuver in mid-air to jerk Jacob off his feet, landing both men face-down in the dirt. (Jack Oo)
Jacob got up, spitting dirt. "Damnit, Jack!" (Daniel Oo)
"What? What did I do?" (Sam Oo)
"Yeah, what did the Jack do now?"
Sam looked around, confused. "Yes, what DID you do sir? How'd we get back here?" She looked down, fury rising in her eyes. "Did YOU do this, colonel?"
'Great, it's started ALREADY!' Selmak tried an ancient Tok'ra relaxation exercise to calm Jacobs nerves. It didn't help that much. "Will you all just be QUIET!"
"I didn't do anything. Why is everyone looking at me like that?" Jack had that 'I'm too innocent to have done it' look on his face.
"Sir," Sams voice was now cold as ice and sharp as a knife, "did you tie this rope around me?"
"Carter, if I had, don't you think we would have been right next to each other with a LOT less than 10 feet of slack?"
Jacob closed his eyes, not wanting to witness the slaughter. Instead, he heard, "Oh, good point." 'Oh, thank God.'
His relief didn't last long. "Then who's-Daniel!" 'Oh shi-' He didn't get a chance to finish the thought, however, since Daniel slammed bodily into him, running away from a very irate Sam. Teal'c saw this and ran after Carter to stop her from eviscerating their linguist. Jack was promptly dragged along behind Teal'c, clutching at the rope and skidding along the ground like a water skier. Which left Jacob at the end, clutching a deep indigo root to keep from being dragged to death across the sulfury-smelling ground. Good thing he had a symbiote in him, or his arm might have been ripped off after the first five seconds. Ten seconds didn't seem like it was gonna be that easy.
And so there they were, the premiere exploration and combat team of the SGC, straining against their ropes, Jackson straining to get away from Major Carter, who was trying to pursue him while at the same time pulling against Teal'c, who was attempting to stop Sam from killing Daniel. He pulled on Jack, who simply wanted a better view of what was about to happen and couldn't move much because of the stress on the rope pretty much fixing him into position. Jacob silently swore that he would never reenact an idea anywhere NEAR this stupid ever again. (Daniel Oo) "Will...all of you...just...STOP!"
At the other end of the rope, Daniel did just that. "I recognize that voice." He turned around walked a few feet back towards the voice. "Hey, it's Jacob and-ahh!" He recoiled as Sam clawed at his face, landing flat on his back. "Uh, Sam?"
"Gonna...kill...you..." Still clawing. (Jack Oo)
"Sam, why do you want to kill me?" (Sam Oo)
"Whoa, hold the phone. Nobody's allowed to kill the Spacemonkey, except me." (Teal'c Oo)
Sam stopped clawing and turned on her CO in shock. "Sir, you've tried to kill Daniel before?"
"IdonotseriouslybelieveColonelO'Neillwouldeverattemptsuchathing,MajorCarter."
"He just said he did."
"Did not."
"You did too."
"Ididnothearhimsaythis."
"Thank you, Teal'c." Jack obviously was assuming Teal'c was backing him up.
"Sir, I heard you. Just because Teal'c didn't-"
"Uh, excuse me, everyone?"
"Daniel, quite!" Jack leveled a finger at him. "This doesn't concern you."
"Oookay, fine, but answer me this: where are we?" (Daniel Oo)
For a moment, silence. "IbelieveweareontheplanetknownasPV8-366,DanielJackson."
"Well, obviously, we're on-hey! Weren't we just near a big building?"
"YES!" Jacobs shout startled them all. He had been taking a break for a minute to massage his poor arms. "You were all several kilometers from here. You had your memories erased and you somehow wandered back to the Stargate, went to Earth, and proceeded to spend the next several days driving the SGC totally nuts. JUST LIKE YOU'RE DOING TO ME RIGHT NOW!"
A silence descended on the travelers. Carter had been about to say hello to her father, but somehow she thought she should wait until he wasn't red with anger anymore. After a bit of a tense moment, Jacobs head dipped and Selmak asserted control. "We should move towards the building you encountered on your previous journey here. What direction are the ruins located?" Four index fingers pointed in the direction of the setting sun. "Very well, we should set out immediately." With that, Selmak relinquished control. "Any questions," Jacobs asked.
"Yeah, when do we eat?" (Jack Oo)
"Go jump off a cliff, Jack."
The colonel shrugged. "Okay."
He turned and began to run. Jacob realized a little too late just how close to the top of a cliff they were. "Wait, don't-" he blurted, but it was too late. Sam screamed at her CO, Daniel scrunched his eyes closed. Teal'cs eyebrows went up.
When the line jerked taunt as Jack jumped, Jacob was taken nearly off his feet toward the cliffs edge. Selmak immediately took over and went into emergency Tok'ra survival mode, also known as total and complete desperation. However, because of her years blended with Selmak, there was also a healthy dose of panic involved as well. They managed to land one hand on the cliffs very edge just a moment before tumbling over. "Damnit, Jack, how much do you weigh anyways?"
"None of your business," came the grunt from below.
"GeneralCarter,pleaseholdonwhilewepullyouup." (Carter Oo)
'Oh, some GOOD luck,' he thought. Teal'c must have been able to withstand the pull of Jack 'the idiot' O'Neill (and he WAS filing that nickname away for future reference) jumping over a cliff. Jacob risked a look down-and immediately wished he hadn't. He cursed Selmak inwardly for this stupid idea of hers. Selmak did the equivalent of a mental raspberry towards his side of his/their brain. "Damnit, hurry up!"
"Dad, is that-oomph," were what he heard as Sam temporarily let go of some of the slack on her end of the rope, causing Teal'c to be dragged a foot or two towards the cliff face. He assumed the 'oomph' was caused by his daughter being jerked into Teal'c by the sudden shortening and, therefore, pulling of the rope. As he found out a moment later, when two bodies plummeted past his, he was right. Sometimes it really sucked to be right all the time. With one final 'Yipe' from Daniel, the four members of SG-1 plus one Tok'ra went sailing down the cliff-face.
Or at least they WOULD have, had it not been a sixty-degree angle instead of a simple vertical drop. They spent the next several minutes tumbling, bumping, and crashing down the cliff and into many shrubs, rocks, roots, the occasional tree, lots of hard packed dirt, and something that, as Jack would later eloquently put it, felt like 'tar that's been in a snakes butt crack for a hundred years.'
Six minutes after Jacks abysmally stupid jump, they all found themselves at the bottom of a very steep slope. There were bruises and scrapes and cuts and bellyaches aplenty, but, miraculously, nothing truly serious.
"All right, whose crotch is in my face?"
"Sir!"
"Oh."
"Damnit, take away that hand, whoever you are."
"Myapologies,DanielJackson."
Jacob managed to disentangle himself first from the large knot that was SG-1. Selmak ran an inventory of all his parts and pronounced him okay for further traveling, as soon as the world stopped spinning.
Jack stood up, looking upwards towards the edge of the cliff where they had fallen from. After a moment, "Okay, I can put two and two together. Who's the idiot that sent us over that cliff?"
'Screw the consequences,' Jacob thought and tackled the colonel. Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c, now all disentangled, watched from several yards away with interest as two humans and one symbiote pounded and kicked at each other. After a few moments of shocked silence, Daniel had the good mind to ask, "Do we dare interrupt them yet?"
"No, I think they need this," Sam replied. (Sam Oo)
"Need it? Are you sure?"
"Huh? Sure of what-sir...and dad! What are..." She returned, once again, to the land of the stupefied silent. While she was at it, she took up membership in drop-jawed anonymous.
"Well," Daniel looked around, located their backpacks, and went over to check their gear. "At the very least, it'll be an interesting night."
"Indeed,DanielJackson."
"Uh-huh," was all Sam Carter could get out as her immediate CO tried to use a tactic against her father that she hadn't known was in his repertoire.
"Ah! Damnit, Jack, no biting!"
TBC
Next time, camping offworld.
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