Thanks to everyone for reviewing, and note that from now on the fic is written in first person: makes everything much more personal, and works great for this fic.

Enjoy!

Chapter 4 - Cesia's Unrequited Love

I sniffed again, trying to regain control of myself in vain. I couldn't do it. Tears continued to run down my face as I looked out the window. From the high vantage point of my room balcony I could see the small clearing that was serving as Rath's final resting place. It was the place he was so connected with. With a small sob, I remembered the first time I'd laid eyes on that place. I'd gotten lost in the immense gardens of the Dragon Castle and accidentally come across Rath... He'd been paying his respects to a grave, along with Fire and Crewger. He'd had such a pained look on his face, one that I hadn't been able to understand at the moment, and now knew so well.

He wasn't supposed to die, I wasn't supposed to let him! After all we'd been through... after all the times that he could have died because of all these stupid youkai, I'd saved him. After all that, I couldn't save him from the greatest yokai of all, himself. I shook myself hard, droplets of salty water falling on the ground. I hated him! He was an idiot, a selfish annoying youkai! He'd broken my heart, left me to weep alone. I hated him!

And yet, I realized as I fell to the floor, I loved him. I still did. He was the only one after Zoma who had understood me, who had loved me. I still believed there was a reason that he'd left me. What a stupid idea. He was gone now, I'd have no more chances of trying to win him back, no more nights of weeping after seeing him spend his days at Kaistern's side.

But also, it meant and end of our suffering. No longer would I be pained with Rath's pain. I would no longer feel my heart squeeze when I saw him, barely conscious, carried tenderly by Kaistern into his room. Then, my pain was two-sided. Pain for Rath's plight, and pain for watching him with someone else. I hated him! But then, my heart would remind me painfully that I loved him. I was torn by my hatred for his betrayal and love for him.

Trying to distract myself from more painful reminiscences, I focused on the small glade. Lykouleon was in front of the grave, and he was the only one I could see clearly. To my surprise, he suddenly took off and ran, deep into the denser woods of the garden. I saw Ruwalk try to go after him, but Alfeegi stepped in front of him, seemingly begging him to stop. The burial must have been over.

I pitied the dragon lord. According to Rath, he'd been the main fault of his pain. The fact that he had saved him from the death he felt he truly deserved as the youkai he was. I'd tried so hard to save him... and now he was dead. I hadn't been able to save him from the guilt he felt at having destroyed so many lives. I pitied Rath more.

I'd always known that his relationship wasn't quite sincere with the Dragon tribe. But I could see that he loved Rune, and Kaistern. Not until that night, after I'd turned into Dark Cesia for the first time, had I known what had become the beginning of the truth, the unraveling of the lies he'd told to hide the inevitable truth. I remembered that night so sweetly. But now, the sweetness had ripened and rot, leaving behind a bittersweet feeling.

I'd woken up to the sound of his feverish restlessness and roused him from his light sleep. He hadn't looked good, so I offered him some wine. It'd always helped me calm down and sleep. But his tolerance level had been horribly low. Probably, he didn't get much wine in the Dragon Castle, too afraid his temperament would get worse if he got drunk. Now fully drunk, Rath had sat on his bed, such a strange look on his face, hate and pain most present. And he'd spilled his heart out. He'd told me so much.

It came as a shock though, because I'd seen him so friendly with the Dragon tribe. I'd obviously missed a lot of what was happening behind my back. His voice had held such pain, such hatred, defiance, wish for vengeance. That had been my first clue to understanding Rath. He'd fallen asleep soon after that, and I'd slept next to him, smiling sweetly at the scene, and his finally serene face.

Then, much later, when I'd found out that he was demon... A lot had changed. I still felt of him as the same Rath, but now I knew him better. I knew his inside. I knew exactly what it felt like to have a dark side, creeping inside, waiting for the moment to take you over, shadowing all your thought with hatred and malice. I knew what having an uncontrolled side inside you come alive. Cast your real self aside in your subconscious. After all, it'd happened to me plenty. The only difference was that his side was stronger. But I knew the pain.

The yokai in you could only grow every time you cursed your life, every time you felt hatred and anger. It relished in negative emotions and cherished them, made them flourish. When you felt the tinges of despair in your day, your darker side took hold of it and fed it, making it grow. There was no escape from the pull of it. It whispered cruel things in your mind, snaked its evil ways onto you, made you do almost inconspicuous things in its name, and then, only later would you realize with fear the control that it could have over you. Its mind controlling me in ways I didn't realize. When you had doubts, it made them grow, it pushed them further to the front line of your mind, it brought suspicion, it cultivated all your dark emotions, then released them, a hundred times stronger. It was a curse, and constant struggle to keep you evil at bay.

The only thing that kept my yokai away was the light dragon amulet. It kept real me alive. It chained the Dark Cesia, the darkness that sometimes was given a chance to roam, and then, it would gnaw evil thoughts at me, and bring me pain when I fought back against myself. Rath's struggle must have been worse. And it appeared that it had finally consumed him. The process had been slow, I hadn't noticed it at first. But every once in a while, like that night when he'd gotten drunk, that day after he killed Gil... it would resurface. His hatred, his real emotions, the yokai inside him. His darkness had been too strong, even fro the light dragon amulet. Even the light dragon inside him, weakened as it was, couldn't keep him safe from himself.

But why? Why did he leave me for someone who didn't know the pain? Why? I had been perfect for him, I understood his pain completely, fully, personally. I could have helped him dispel it, I could have tried to bring him respite. Instead, he cast me aside. More tears rolled down my face and I took a blanket hanging over the balcony. The rain had made me cold. It was raining, hard, strong, but it was a light rain. I almost felt like it was Rath's feeling. His death, severe, sudden, but yet, it brought him happiness. That was another difference between us, I though, wrapping the blanket loosely around my shaking body.

His transformation to his darker side had been taking place for a long time. It had taken over rapidly though, because he kept feeding it negative thoughts and emotions. His guilt over the people he'd killed had been an immeasurable gain to his yokai inside. I wept for him. No one should have had to live with that guilt. It was so immense. No one could find fault in Rath's death now. He'd been too overwhelmed. And he'd had no control over it.

No wonder he had wished to die. I had tried to keep him from dying... but now, I wonder if I should have let him... save him from later pain. Save me from later pain. But what was done was done. And, I guess I was kind of glad I had let him live. For the moments we'd spent together, no matter the pain afterwards.

I still remembered. I would always remember. The joy I'd felt when he pulled me into his arms, the sweet feeling of his lips pressed tight onto mine. His hands on my back, searching, rubbing my back in patters of ecstasy. I would run my hands through his hair, open my mouth to invite him further, push him closer as I smiled widely. Then he'd pull me down onto the grass, and wed roll over, trying to win each other over. He'd smile slightly and then dive for my mouth again, and I'd let him. Licking his lips, I remembered thinking that if he was always like this, I would never be unhappy. And I remembered thinking too, that if we remained like this, he'd want to stay alive and lode that death wish. It hadn't worked. Whether because I hadn't been strong enough to dissuade him, or because he lad let me go, and I hadn't had long enough. I just wanted him back!

"Cesia? You feeling better?" I turned at Zoma's voice. Normally, I would blow away anything and try to act cheerful for him, but in this case, when they all knew that I was in pain, it'd be futile to try to act anything other than what I was feeling.

"A little," I still tried to sound optimistic. Zoma gave a small smile stepped towards me. I held open the blanket and he crawled onto my lap. I closed the blanket around eh both of us and he buried himself inside the folds, holding tight onto me.

"Lykouleon ran away," he said sadly, "Alfeegi thinks he needs some time alone. I don't know why though. Rune and Kaistern seem sadder. Especially Kaistern."

I listened somberly to his slow speech. Kaistern. Yes, he, like me, was feeling heartbroken. But I almost felt angry at him. First for stealing my Rath, then for not saving him from his youkai side. He didn't dissuade Rath from his suicidal wish. I knew it was irrational, that Rath had no salvation from his fate, but still I felt like Kaistern was responsible. To be with Rath, you had to know what his life was like. He might have known the Rath from before, but I knew what his life now must have been like! That's why I felt I was the only one who would have been capable of saving Rath. And Kaistern had stolen this chance. Thanks to him, Rath was dead. I swallowed, trying hard to dispel those thoughts.

Those were the kinds of thoughts that bred my dark side, the kinds of thoughts that Rath had lived on, providing unending fuel to his yokai. Those were they same thoughts that had eaten away at him. But now I realized that maybe they were the ones that had kept him alive as well. Thoughts of revenge had kept him going. I looked outside, watching the world turn gray with the dulling of the rain. Looking down, I saw that Zoma was resting fitfully on my lap. Careful not to wake him up, I set him on my bed and covered him. I remembered doing to Rath. I felt my face turn troubled, but there was nothing I could do to change my facial expression.

My Rath. He was mine. Taken away, tossed me behind, but I still loved him and inside my heart he was still mine. I would love him until my death, and then beyond. Turning, I walked out of my room. Sooner or later I'd have to face the others, and I wasn't the kind to be kept down.

But now, as I walked resolutely down the halls of the damp castle, I passed Rath's room. And like a blow, I could feel his presence. So strong, it stopped me in my tracks. Hesitantly, I felt Dark Cesia pushing me. She opened the door, and pushed me inside. I held my breath, scared, and felt my head pound as I fought with myself to hold back the tears. They spilled, and I closed my eyes from the room. From the now clean floor where he'd lain, where his blood had spread. From the balcony I'd seen him looking out of so many times. The table he'd sat at when telling me things. The bed we'd shared so long ago. When I died, would I find him? And if I found him, would he still remember all this? All the memories I treasured? Most of all, would he remember me? Would I ever get over his death? Would a day come in which I could pass this room door open wide, and not feel pain?

I knelt, warm, scorching warm tears burning down my face. I felt helpless. I felt abandoned. I felt alone and needy. I felt anger, fear and hatred. Malice and vengeance. No. I didn't feel those. Dark Cesia felt those. She wanted me to feel those. I would not succumb to Rath. I would prove to him that he could have survived. That he could have lived in power over his youkai. I stood up, my tears now bearable. But I couldn't stay in here any longer. Or she would take over. She would drown me in despair. I had to keep Dark Cesia at bay, or I'd never show Rath that there was a life possible. From afar, I heard footsteps but I kept walking. I was hungry. I needed to get my life back. Leave Rath in my memories. I still loved him and would forever, I thought, with a customary pang in my heart, but he would not have the pleasure of controlling my life anymore.

Such rebellious thoughts. Oh well. Somehow, everything... would be normal again. I could leave the Dragon Castle. Btu there'd be no Rath to accompany me... Well, then I could stay in the Dagon Castle. And live with Rath's memories at every turn of the corner... It was no use. His life ruled over him. He had been the more dominant one, yet in ways he'd been the most gentle. Rath..

He was rebellious, mischievous, proud. Hated it when someone ordered him around, always escaping the castle, trying to play jokes. Yet he was serious, gentle, and calm. Serious and calm in the most stressful situations, gentle when it came to a relationship. But he violent, possessive and obsessive, resolute and stubborn. Explosive and easygoing. One could not call someone who hunted yokai nonviolent, or not obsessive. And he was very possessive over yokai too. He never backed down from someone, always set forth without looking back. He could suddenly switch from a distant mood to yell and fight. Never worrying about the little things, and doing as he pleased. Yet he was lonely, scared, tired and hurt. He lived his life away from others, closed off for fear of being found out and rejected. Afraid his yokai said would take him over and make him kill again. Exhausted from a constant struggle against his inner self. Hurt with guilt and hatred, betrayed and haunted with memories that should have been locked away. He had wanted to be honest, I could tell from the way he looked at me when I told him I knew his secret. Like he'd been freed, yet trapped. Freed from lying, trapped by the truth. By my reactions. Afraid of rejection.

Rath harbored such pain. But how could I reject him when I knew so well what it was like? I loved him, though it had taken me time to figure it out. Loved all his traits, good and bad. I didn't care if he was like me. I didn't care. I hated it though, how I had almost killed him. Dark Cesia had almost made him kill himself. I had always felt guilty for that. But often, in his arms, nestling closer to him, he told me that it wasn't me who had done that. It was my dark side. That his had actually killed many, so I had nothing to feel guilty about. I believed him. I loved him. I treasured him. I didn't believe him now. And the guilt had returned. He killed himself nonetheless. Had that been his plan all along? Has his dark side injected the poison into him without mercy?

Turning the corner, I saw Ruwalk, solemnly walking Kaistern back to his own room. Technically, he could walk, so he didn't need any help physically, but emotionally, he needed support. Looking up, the albino saw me. I glared at him, pouring all my hatred into him. The one who had failed to save Rath and taken him away from me. He stared at me, then hung his head. I walked by, sparing them no more of my time. That... that idiot. How could Kaistern have thought that he could save Rath from something he had no experience about, no knowledge? Only someone with the in themselves could understand the feeling. And only they could help dispel it. True, Kaistern may have been good to Rath, helping him out, maybe driving his dark side away for longer, but he could never save Rath from the despair that it caused.

'The despair that I could inflict on you too, and thus, saving you from it...' I recoiled fromher voice. I had to keep her under control. I would not let Dark Cesia control me. But I pondered over her words nonetheless. What did that mean? Did she mean... taking the same path as Rath?

'And then reunite you with him in Hell' I forced her whispered evils back down. No. I would not... reunite myself with him? I laughed bitterly. Hell. For of course, that was where we would go. But no... Rath didn't love me at all. He wouldn't come back to me, were I the last person on Dusis. Were Kaistern gone. There was no point in dying. Suicide only brought pain. Not to mention that I had become attached to the Dragon tribe... Besides, I had to take care of Zoma. I couldn't leave my only angel left behind. Zoma understood me. He was a yokai. But he was a child, untainted by evils, innocent in all aspects. His yokai side was a not powerful. He was just a child. But that had nothing to do with it. What was important was that I had looked over him since... since a long time. And though he was in good hands in the Dragon tribe, I was gong to stay with him. He'd been with me since I was little, he'd been my only friend. He once said he loved me... and that was possibly true, in more than a sisterly fashion. But like me, his love was unrequited. I could only think of Zoma as my best friend, my little brother, my helper, and my wish keeper. And I wouldn't leave him. He was now the only thing that chained me to the ground and kept me from losing my mind with grief. I had to take care of my little angel.

Because I would never be reunited with Rath. It was tempting to find the path he'd left and follow in his lead, but it would make no difference, and nothing I did would bring him back to me. I was much better off here. Because my love was unrequited and I'd never gain his.

"Cesia, wait!" I turned and saw Zoma running after me. Catching up to me, he took my hand, "Are you hungry?"

"Yes, my little angel," I smiled. He looked at me, blushing slightly at my words, yet puzzled at my sudden cheer. I smiled again and bent down, kissing his forehead, "You're the most important thing in my life."

He smiled widely, "So you're okay now?"

"Thanks toyou, yes, I will be," I said, letting him lead me into the kitchens. He stopped and turned, blushing a bit again.

"You're the most important thing in my life too!" he said brightly. Going to find one of the maids to get breakfast, he ran off. I sighed and smiled, then looked out the window, towards the gardens. She formed her final farewell to Rath, letting the wind swirl it, spread and whisper her words to his grave.

'I've found my own life now, and I'll mourn you and love you, but I, unlike you, was able to find courage from my life, and I found something to anchor me down. I just hope you'll remember me when I finally see you again. Good- bye... my unrequited love.'

To go on, Cesia was kinda hard. I don't know why... aw, she was mean to Kaistern.