Hey, on the one hand, it was only a couple days over a month. On the other hand, a month is a long time. My apologies, but I have school, and five or so other fics, and so I am busy. Oh and my computer was pretty kaput for like two weeks. But thanks to all my reviewers, your support is AWESOME!

Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 11-Kaistern's Love

I twisted in the covers of Rath's bed, waking up suddenly from a half-completed dream, reaching out and expecting Rath's soft, moonlight-pale skin stretch underneath my fingers as he turned to look at me, eyes bright in the darkness, lips parted just enough to tempt me to lean forward, just before he asked me why I was still awake, and then I would lean forward... but there was no one there.

Dreams of Rath.

Forever to haunt me. I knew it was inevitable. I would live to my last day, dreaming every night of the one I had lost, and every night I would wake up, reach out and hope to God that al of it was a dream, how he'd changed for the worse, how he'd died in a horrible suicide, and that he'd be right there. But he wouldn't be, and I'd just touch air, and realize I was alone, and would be until I died, and cry, cry my heart out.

Every night.

Why? I didn't want to remember. Or did I? It caused me pain and joy, the memories. Pain because my broken heart wanted to forget Rath, forever, erase the cause of the wrenching pain deep inside me. But another part of me wanted to immerse myself in the memories, live there for the rest of my life, safely tucked into my memories of Rath and me, arms wrapped around each other, as he lay contentedly asleep. I just wanted to sleep forever... A part of me wanted to forget and live reality, the other part wanted to remember and live in my mind.

I breathed in his still-fresh scent, lingering in the stifling air of his room like the wafting scent of roses in the vase next to his bed. Complements of Cesia, who'd thought the said blood-red flowers appropriate to put in his room. I did too.

In reality, I was scared. I was scared of life without him, and of how I would survive. I found I couldn't do anything more than lie in bed, or walk around. My thoughts were scattered around Rath, jumping from one memory to the next, one murderous thought to another. I tried to put myself to work, like Alfeegi had to cope with the grief, but I couldn't concentrate of anything for more than a couple minutes before I would throw it out in frustration and cry. Even now, sitting up with the covers pooled around my body, clutching the white silk sheets with a grip meant to strangle, I could feel the choking pressure inside my head and lungs as I tried to contain the tears.

I was mad, furious at Rath for leaving me like that. For not taking me along, instead of leaving me to live everyday without him. It was a pain far worse than death, and he of all people should have known what it was like to have pain in your life that only death would have remedied. But I could never be truly mad at him. I was angry, yet sad. Sad, and relieved, because he'd finally found relief from what had apparently been too much in his life, and saddened because of his death of course. I needed him, I really did, and now he wasn't here. He was what I had fought for, what I had dug myself out of whatever danger I was in during my missions, all to see him. And now there was nothing.

I wondered how I would live on. Ruwalk said that someday, it wouldn't be so painful, and I'd be able to move along, one day at a time. But he didn't understand, and I'd snarled that back at him, frustrated with myself, and with Rath, and bitter because of his death. I'd gotten mad a Ruwalk, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that this wasn't his fault, and I shouldn't have gotten mad at him, but it felt so good to let my emotions out, to cry, and to yell at something. And I still thought I was right. Ruwalk had Alfeegi, and Alfeegi wasn't dead. He had no idea what it was like to lose the person you loved. He could imagine, that he'd be in pain if Alfeegi died, he could cry at the though, but he'd never actually know the way despair engulfed you, and things just looked dim, and there was no joy or sunlight anymore.

Ruwalk said live one day at a time, don't think so much about the bad past, don't think of the loneliness of the future, focus on the happiness you shared, and don't think about the loneliness of tomorrow.

Live one day at a time, that's what he said. What he didn't know was that I couldn't think one day at a time, it was one minute at a time. It wasn't so much as how I could survive the next day without him, it was how I would survive the next second, minute, hour, without him at my side, or knowing he was simply off on a mission.

I blinked, letting crystal water fall onto my lap, my mind beginning to numb from the constant pain, and the weariness, and the fact that it was the friggin' middle of the night. My eyes began to close, and with reluctance, I lay back down and began to toy with the tasseled corner of the comforter.

A mission, that was it. Rath wasn't gone; he was simply out on a mission. One just for him, because Rune and Thatz hadn't wanted to go on it. He was alive, out there, hyperactively slaying demons, sleeping peacefully at the moment, dreaming of me... he was alive...

OoO

I fiddled restlessly with the pen in my hands, flipping it and twirling it absently, the other hands just tapping mindlessly against my face, resting on its palm. Alfeegi had finally let me file forms. To my annoyance.

But the papers lay in the same pile as ten minutes ago, which was just a centimeter lower than it had been an hour ago, and all I had to do was sign the forms after reading them. My mind was on something else. Or, more specifically, someone else.

I knew a stupid grin had appeared on my face. I doubted it was as stupid as my mind led me to believe, but it had to be stupid nonetheless. The kind of smile I'd worn when I was a child and had kissed my first girl. The same smile that appeared whenever I thought of that moment for a long time afterwards, until it melted with all the other kisses and moments I'd had. But there was one kiss I would never forget. My first kiss with Rath. The stupid smile alighted on my face and I swept it away quickly. What always had confused me though, was if he had meant it or just been playing with me when he'd kissed me. Oh well, that had been a long time ago, so that answer didn't matter much.

I still wasn't sure. My conversation with Tetheus had helped a lot, but I was still dubious. My hands stilled, and I turned to look out the window. Did I... could I really love Rath?

Just at the thought, just at his name, my body was immersed in some sort of tingly warm feeling I could only remember having with my first crush. That had been a long time ago, I smiled. I was surprised I could still remember. A warm tingly feeling... I snorted, that was so lame. And now I should dress in pink and wave a wand and sing happy Easter songs.

I rested my head on the palm of my hand again. I... had more or less established that I was in fact in love with our little boy. Funny that I should still think of him that way, though he wasn't 'ours'. Although by ours I mean the whole castle's, but he wasn't 'ours' anyway. And he certainly wasn't a little boy anymore. He'd done a lot of growing up, not all good though.

Yeah, not all good, I continued to muse. He'd grown colder and more reclusive, while becoming sexier and more alluring. More vengeful and perceptive, while somehow more forgiving and naïve. He was a walking enigma, and that was part of what attracted me so towards him. He was like a crystal diamond, cut into a multitude of reflective facets, complex, constantly swirling and changing with the light. How long had I been admiring this diamond?

Well... way before he'd kissed me when he was little, though that had been more intrigue and allure than actual love– as lovers, at least. I had always loved him as a parent. But really, when had the love I felt for him as family changed into something more?

I was afraid though, that it wouldn't work out. That he would see me as a parent, or family more than anything else. That he would reject me. What were the chances of him loving me, out of all the people he knew? A chill traveled down my spine, like my heart's hopes being crushed, a painful, plunging feeling. There was Rune, and Thatz, and Cesia, and Delte, and the girls in the pub, and he'd once told me about some Tupet girl he'd met recently... the chances were slim. And then, even if he accepted me, and we... got together, the sudden change in relationship from guardian and child to equal lovers might be too much, and it simply wouldn't work out.

I sighed, running my hands through my pale, bleach blond hair. I needed to talk to Tetheus. The result of that would always be exactly what I was looking for. He was like my emotional counselor, I always went to him for help. Cause he was quiet, and listened, and he always knew more than I thought he did, and he was always able to pinpoint exactly what was flitting around aimlessly in my head. Like an arrow through the heart. It always left me amazed, his intuition did. Not only that, but he was also a great listener when you simply wanted to vent away your emotions, and he never took offense when I yelled at him in my frustration. And believe me, I got easily frustrated.

I stood up, immeasurably relieved that I had found a course of action, the papers I had been assigned to finish completely out of my mind. Humming a light song, I slipped the door shut behind me, looking around for the black officer.

Minutes later, I finally found him gazing placidly from a balcony window on the third floor. His arms were crossed, resting on the banister as he leaned over, looking down over the vast expanse of Draqueen.

"Nice weather, hm?" the dark-haired officer intoned, glancing t me out of the corner of his eye before I had even opened my mouth or taken a step towards him.

"Darn it, how do you always do that?" I returned, just as placidly.

"What do you need to talk about?"

"Darn it again, you can always tell when I need to talk to you about..." I fumed, taking my place next to him, leaning back onto the banister, facing the wall, elbows draped over the banister.

"Are you restless? Without any missions or trips to go on?" he resumed, smiling very slightly. I smirked.

"Wrong there. Nothing to do with that," I drawled, pleased with his wrong guess.

"Ah... Rath and the other knights come tomorrow," he nodded knowingly, looking at me as he said so. I blanched.

"Fine, you win... But you it wrong the first time," I muttered. He remained quiet for a moment, letting me decide whether I wanted to continue or if I would let him make the first move. Not knowing how to begin, I stayed quiet, an unspoken signal for him to begin.

"You've decided that you have certain feelings for him, have you not?"

I nodded slowly, "I'm... pretty sure. Shoot, I feel like I did with my first crush. But it's more," I added, suddenly realizing how shallow a crush sounded.

"Are you certain that you love him?" The security officer's look held my gaze, not letting me look towards the ground, a way of drawing out the truth. I gave the barest nod, my uncertainty clear to him, I was sure, but didn't answer, and he continued, "Because if you're not sure, and you tell him you do, when it was simply a fleeting feeling," he stressed those words out, his way of helping me figure out what I was feeling. But I was sure it wasn't a fleeting feeling, so I shook my head. Appearing reassured, he continued, "Then your relationship could be completely destroyed forever."

I gulped, "Man, that's pretty harsh."

He tipped his head forwards, "Yes... but it's the truth. You cannot acknowledge feelings until they are for certain... because if they're not, then you've just destroyed that relationship. You can't go back to what you were before, and so you're stuck..."

I gave his dark black-red eyes a measuring look, "You speak almost as if from experience."

He finally acknowledged my words with a thoughtful nod, "Yes. I don't want to ruin this person's hopes of being with me by falsely accepting their love."

"Who is it?" I asked excitedly, the thought of having gossip on Tetheus a fun prospect.

"Someone in this castle is all I'm saying," the black officer confided and gave what came the closest to a smirk, which just turned out to be a small smile. He couldn't do the bad guy smirk thing very well.

"Fine, don't tell, but I will find out," I turned up my head, faking an attempt to look haughty. He chuckled very lightly, just once, and I felt like my job was done. I always made him smile. Poor guy needed to lighten up more.

"You will as soon as I admit the feelings you have for Rath to her," he resumed out original topic with such casual ease, so subtly, and yet directly, that I wondered if his people and communication skills weren't as bad as people often thought. Just cause he was normally so quiet didn't mean he wasn't a good communicator, I guessed.

"What if I don't?" I murmured. Tetheus' eyebrows rose with surprise, and a tinge of sympathy appeared in his eyes, along with concern.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," I finally whispered after a moment's hesitation.

"Then you must tell him. I'm sure he'll understand, and he's always been closer to you than anyone else," the black officer's encouragement and kind words lifted my doubts away. He paused, "Of course, it is Rath. So it may be a bit confusing for him, and you never know how he might react at first," my hopes fell to the ground with an almost audible thud. He caught my look and chuckled again, "I'm sure it will work out in the end though."

I looked into his eyes, "Thanks Tetheus. You're always the best one to talk to."

He bowed his head, accepting the gratitude, the put his hand on my shoulder, "It will work out fine."

"Yeah," I grinned, assured as well, "I'm sure it will too."

OoO

The night was restless with nervous excitement. The rest of the day had been like that as well, as even Alfeegi had stopped in mid rant (about me leaving the papers I was supposed to finish) to ask what was wrong with me. I just shrugged and said, "You and Ruwalk," at which Alfeegi first turned a becoming shade of crimson before narrowing his eyes and asking– no, demanding what I meant.

Ruwalk too had noticed, and asked with that little smile of his.

"It's Rath."

"Oh, what about him?" the yellow officer cocked his head.

"I think I might be in love with him, but don't tell anyone," I said carelessly, enjoying yet becoming apprehensive as Ruwalk's eyes widened.

"You're kidding! When did this happen? Have you told him?"

"Nah, not yet. Which is why I don't want you to tell, cause if it goes wrong, then, well, I'd rather keep it to myself," I gave him a hard stare, and he gulped jokingly.

"Hey, no prob man, your secret's safe with me."

"Hey, is it true about you and Alfeegi?" I asked viciously, relishing in Ruwalk's yelp and reddening.

"There's nothing going on between Alfeegi and me..." he mumbled. I just grinned wider.

"But you want there to be," I pointed out wisely.

"I dunno. Maybe," he glared at me, "But don't you tell."

The both of us stared at each other for a second before we burst out laughing.

"I guess I won't tell if you don't" Ruwalk laughed.

"Two-way blackmail is great, huh?" I laughed along with him.

"So are you going to tell him?" I asked, wiping a small tear from my eye.

"I don't know," he murmured, his face losing all trace of laughter, showing me how serious he actually was about Alfeegi, "Maybe. He's not interested in me that way though..."

"You never know," I advised, "Go for it."

He grinned, light-tipped bangs falling from his eyes, "Yeah, maybe someday I will."

I felt sorry for him, I realized, stretching out in my bed. Because he was almost in the same position as me.

I tried to fall asleep, but thoughts and anxiety about tomorrow kept me tossing and turning. I wasn't mad though, it wasn't like a bad tossing and turning, it was like the way you can never fall asleep no matter how hard you try on the night before your birthday, knowing you have presents waiting for you in the morning. Christmas was more accurate, I mused, trying anything to distract me.

"And counting sheep doesn't really help you fall asleep..." I muttered minutes later. I paced around the room, I tried to read, and finally, I settled for staring at the ceiling as I lay in bed, and just let all my thoughts bombard me until finally, I did fall asleep.

OoO

"You're like a little kid waiting for a birthday present," Ruwalk commented the next day, grinning as I turned my head away from starting at the entrance gate, waiting.

"Well, so?" I said, unable to come up with a better defense.

The yellow officer shrugged, tapping a stack of papers against the table to align them, "We don't know when they'll get here. Are you going to stay at that window all day?"

It was my turn to shrug, "Possibly. Until I get hungry at least."

We laughed, and then I turned back to my gazing and waiting, and he to his filing. Alfeegi kept him on a pretty tight rein with work.

Suddenly, four small dots descended over the hill, heading towards the castle gates. Just small dots, completely indistinguishable from all the other dots that happened to be just travelers or farmers, but I knew from the sudden vibe of excitement that ran through me that that was Rath, Rune and Thatz. I wondered who the other person was, but then I remembered that Cesia was with them as well.

Bolting out of my seat, I ran to the door, flinging it open and dashing down the hall. I heard Ruwalk yell loudly, asking if it was they, then answering his own question. My feet pounded down the stairs, all the way down the winding halls of the Dragon Palace, until I finally skidded to a stop in front of the doors. I waited, poised with my ear on the door, waiting until I heard their voices in front of the door and then opened them.

They all looked surprised, Thatz and Rune kind of a sleepy, wide-eyed look, Cesia's that of simple surprise, and Rath's unusually bright.

"Kaistern!" he squealed, all but jumping on me, and I felt something relish in his touch, his lean body pressed tightly against mine. I breathed in his almost savage, intricate scent. Oh Dusis, I really did love him...

He broke away, grinning widely, "Never expected you to welcome me home for a change."

"Yes, it's too often the other way," I grinned ruefully, "How was your mission?"

"There were tons of demons!" he said excitedly, in full hyperactive gear.

"Yeah, and he made us chase it from three friggin' days," Thatz mumbled. Rune nodded and Cesia sweatdropped.

"Worst thing was he was all berserk and demon-hunting happy the whole three days," the demon girl glared at the dark vermilion haired boy next to her. "Aw, c'mon, it was fun!" he wailed.

"For you..." Rune muttered wearily.

"You guys look tired, well, minus Rath," I said, looking at the fire knight fondly.

"Yeah. Go to bed now Rune, I'll come in a sec," Thatz ruffled Rune's hair, kissing his forehead lightly, then pushing him along. I cocked my head to the side.

"What was that?" I asked, curious to see Thatz acting that way towards the water knight. And wondering at the same time if everyone in the frigging castle was gay.

"That? Oh, nothing. Doesn't mean anything, it's just that he's so cute! And he's been having bad dreams lately, so I sleep with him," Thatz explained gleefully. He wagged a finger at Kaistern, "What, did you think we were a couple or something, like a certain pair in here?"

I blanched, wondering how he knew about me and Rath. And then I frowned, cause its not like we were a couple yet. I hoped we'd be...

"Anyway, I'm going to put my stuff up, leave you guys to catch up," Cesia smiled and strode off to her room. Rath looked after her for a moment with something like a wounded expression.

"What?" I asked.

"She's mean," he pouted, then he grinned, "But she doesn't like me," I raised my eyebrow but didn't press further. There were some things about Rath you didn't want an explanation for.

"So, you want to walk around for a while?" I asked, trying to mask my sudden nervousness.

"Sure," he agreed easily enough, walking ahead of me. We headed to the gardens, were he sat atop a stone wall, legs dangling back and forth. I sat next to him, more subdued, of course.

"So you had a good time?" I tried to be conversational, noticing that my hands were shaking just the least little bit with my anxiety.

"Yep. How long are you staying?"

"Well, just a couple more days. A week at the most."

Rath whistled, "That's long, considering it's you."

"Yeah. I'm hoping to spend a lot of it with you," I managed to hint, though I doubt he would have gotten it.

"Maybe," he smiled, full of clarity like I hadn't seen in a while.

"You look really... good today," I said. He looked at me, leaning closer.

"Good? What kind of good?" he murmured softly, his mouth moving ever closer to my ear, and I knew he was playing one of his games. I wish he'd really mean them for once.

"Healthy. Happy," I clarified.

"I am."

"Oh? How come?" I was curious now. And I was getting ready to tell him.

"Because of something," he smirked, and I could tell he wasn't going to say anymore, at least not now. Eventually, he always told me everything. It was our promise.

"Hey, Rath... I... wanted to tell you something," I said, drawing a breath and opening my mouth. Rath looked intently at me, red eyes shining.

"What?"

"Rath... um, I guess... I know it may be a bit weird, but I finally figured that I–"

"Cesia!" Rath's attention was diverted and he waved his hand, beckoning her over. I blinked, rock-still for a second before I sighed, my body becoming limp as I lost my opportunity, a sinking feeling heavy in my stomach. I held back the glare I wanted to give the girl as she came over, interrupting the very important thing I needed to tell Rath. I needed... to tell him I loved him.

But then Rath swept Cesia into his arms, kissing her soundly on her lips, and though she looked a bit disgruntled, she didn't object at all, in fact, she looked more pleased than disgruntled. And with the passion that was evident in the way he held her, my heart broke. I suddenly couldn't breathe.

"You wanted to know why I was unusually happy? Here's the reason," he gazed at me after breaking the kiss. I stared, in shock, feeling sick. Sick, and broken, and used, and mistaken, and foolish, and heart-broken, all at once.

"I... I don't feel good," I finally managed to utter, clambering off the wall and stumbling away as quick as I could.

"Kaistern? Do you want me to take you to your room?" I wanted to cry as he held his arm out to me, a tinge of concern in his eyes. I batted his hands away.

"No, I'll- be fine. Don't come at all..." I pleaded. I wouldn't have been able to take it. He looked just barely hurt, but instead secured his hold on Cesia and shrugged.

"Oh... I wonder what he was going to tell me?" I heard Rath muse out loud.

I ran up to my room, slamming the door and locking it, crumpling into a chair and putting my face in my arms on the table, letting the slow tears slide off my face to dampen the wooden table. I didn't sob, or cry, in the sense of doing anything more than letting tears run down my face. I felt numb, and broken. I had been such an idiot. How could I have thought I'd have a chance. Of course he'd pick Cesia, she was a demon, just like him. They were so alike, it was only natural he'd go to her. But it hurt, to have my hopes soaring so high to be brought down with such a painful crash on a barren world.

I wanted to damn the all. Tetheus and Ruwalk, for say it'd be alright, when it wasn't in the end. For giving me false hopes. Myself for thinking so high, for falling in love. Rath for breaking my heart, without even knowing what he'd done. And Cesia for taking him away. My mind was on autopilot now, rampaging, free in its pained rage. I wanted to damn Lykouleon for creating Rath, Alfeegi for suggesting the last mission, the one that apparently had brought Rath and Cesia together, because their hooking up hadn't been there before the last mission. Raseleane for taking in the hanyou girl, and Salazar for having first told us about her, and just everyone in general.

Suddenly feeling too tired and depressed to think anymore, much less go out of my room and meet Tetheus, or Ruwalk and have to tell them what had happened, I got up slowly from the chair and drew the covers of my bed, lying down heavily and immersing myself in the soft blankets, trying to push all thoughts of Rath away.

OoO

That morning came, and I woke up not remembering any of what had happened, until a knock was heard at my door, and a certain fire knight waltzed into the room. I stared at him, all of the night before flooding into my head, and I laid back down, pushing my pillow into my face. I didn't want him to see the tears that were threatening to spill from my lemon-colored eyes.

"Kaistern? Are you still sick?" I heard his ask softly, and I tried to mumble an affirmative as unemotionally as I could. I figured that the quivering in my voice could be passed off as part of being sick.

"Maybe I should help you get better," he whispered, the mattress denting with his weight and his long hands fluttering in my hair.

"No..." I stammered quickly, withdrawing my head from his touch, face still ear-deep in pillow.

"Are you sure?" his soft breath flitted against my ear, and I was torn between heart-break and longing. I wanted him to stay here, as if it was just the two of us, but that was impossible because I knew that somewhere out there, there was someone he currently loved more than me.

"Rath!" I jumped, the sighed in relief as the black officer's call made the fire knight besides me stand up like a light and stammer and apology.

"Er, sorry Tetheus, I just wanted to check on him..."I knew Rath was pouting, it was the face he always wore when admonished.

"I understand, but I told you explicitly not to visit him. We don't want you to get sick as well. He needs to be alone."

I heard Rath grumble something before the door clicked shut, and I sighed in relief but didn't move.

"I'm sorry," I jumped again, thinking Tetheus had gone out along with Rath. No such luck. I gave a heavy breath, sitting up slowly, turning to meet Tetheus' eyes, full of empathy.

"I... had hoped for too much..." I murmured.

"No... it's just that the circumstances hadn't been right," the dark haired secretary comforted, standing above me. I gave him a half-smile, knowing he meant well, but it didn't stop the bitterness.

"How did you find out I knew?"

"Well, I saw Rath with Cesia, and I asked him if Kaistern knew about them, and he said yes. And when I asked, he told me that you had been about to say something, but had gotten sick before you finished. So I assumed you had been about to tell him when you saw that the two of them were together," he said kindly. Nonetheless, I winced as I heard his last sentence.

"It didn't turn out how I'd hoped, and now... what's the use. It's all over," I scolded myself bitterly. I sank into deep silence, and Tetheus sighed, knowing that there was nothing else to say to me at the moment.

"Maybe it's not over," he said, taking leave of my room. I forced myself to ignore his last comment, unwilling to let myself be lured into false hopes again. Instead, I ran my hands deep into my light pale flaxen hair, letting liquid diamonds fall unto the stone floor.