By the way, I just felt like putting this on here: I like listening to Evanescence and Linkin Park and some Maroon 5 and Green Day andTatu when I write this. I have a playlist called 'Angst' that I always listen to to get me in the mood to write all my sad fics. Lol. In other words, all my fics.

When Kaistern gets tucked into bed, imagine Evanesnce's My Immortal' until the memories start, cause I kinda based that part on the song cause the lyrics fit SOOO well. I mean, really, look at the lyrics, and think about Rath and Kaistern.

Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 12- Kaistern's Confusion

A sigh, then, "I don't know why he insists on sleeping in his own bed, if every morning he winds up in here."A sigh, then, "I don't know he insists on sleeping in his own bed, if every morning he winds up in here."

I stirred, something in me recognizing the voice through the haze of my still-sleeping brain. My eyes still closed, I ignored Ruwalk and instead tried to figure out where I was. The answer was immediately clear, as I inhaled deeply and the scent that reached me was purely my red-haired knight's. His bed covered in his scent, the covers somehow feeling as smooth as his hands on my skin.

I lifted my head up, reaching out to see if he was next to me, and then I remembered, he was away on a mission. I sighed unhappily and opened my eyes, blinking and sitting up to face the yellow secretary, completely aware that I was wearing no shirt. I looked outside at the bright sun, surprised to feel no warmth at all from it, despite its incredibly brilliant light.

I was taken aback by the sympathetic, mournful look the yellow officer gave me, and noticed that he looked rather tired.

"What's wrong with you?" I pointed at him, "You look tired."

He gave me a look in his brown eyes that reflected something of unbelief.

"Of course I look tired, I mean, you know, with him..." Him? Who? I felt like I was supposed to know who 'him' was, and the way he said it somehow got through to me like he didn't want to say it out loud. What bad thing had happened lately, I wondered? Oh, I blinked. Was it Lykouleon, having sprained his foot? That seemed logical, after all, that meant Ruwalk had to do a lot of running around and meetings and that type of stuff.

"And Alfeegi couldn't sleep well last night, either..."

I grinned at his statement, though something told me that I shouldn't have. Not the way he said it, like there was something infernally wrong here, and I was missing what it was. But I couldn't figure out what it was, so I left it at that.

"You lucky rascal, pairing up with Alfeegi and all," I smirked at him, "You better behave while you're together."

The yellow secretary gave me the strangest look I'd seen from him yet, "Kaistern?" he began cautiously, lifting his hand and putting it to my forehead, "Are you okay?"

I blinked, cocking my head to the side, aware that confusion was spreading through my expression as clearly as black on white, "Why wouldn't I be?"

My statement seemed to shake Ruwalk up, and he withdrew his hand abruptly from my forehead, a trickling of fear showing up in his eyes.

"Oh Gods..." was all he muttered, his face paling somewhat, but I didn't see it, or hear him, suddenly remembering the question I'd wanted to ask him.

"Hey, Ruwalk, when's Rath coming back from his mission?" I asked cheerfully, swinging my legs off the bed and standing up, stretching lightly. I paused as I finally noticed that his face had drained of all color.

"Ruwalk, what's wrong?" I murmured, frowning at him and bending down in front of him. He shook his head, giving me a weak smile that faltered despite his valiant effort.

"K-Kaistern," he swallowed, "Where did you say Rath was?"

"On a mission, of course. Didn't you know? Or did you forget cause Rune and Thatz didn't go with him? He was really excited about 'getting to kick youkai butt by himself,' as he put it. I can't wait till he comes back so I can hide behind the door and give him a good scare."

I grinned viciously, my chuckling being cut off as I noticed how Ruwalk's hands were shaking, his eyes wide and staring at me, "Hey, are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah... yeah," he said slowly, getting up and leaving the room giving me another glance hurriedly.

I frowned again in a baffled expression, but I shook it off. If he hadn't wanted to tell me, then I shouldn't pry; he'd probably gone to tell Alfeegi anyway. It was odd though, because Ruwalk and I usually shared a lot of stuff, and I couldn't understand why he wasn't telling me if he simply wasn't feeling well. I shook my head, brushing it off. I was feeling unreasonably happy, envisioning Rath's pale, sharply defined face in a pleased expression of surprise.

I hummed lightly to myself, walking out of Rath's room, my mind failing to notice the wilting flowers on the bedside table, the lack of fresh air in the room, and the still faintly traceable stain of blood on the stone floor.

Walking into my room and rummaging through my drawers to find a clean shirt to slip over my head, I then walked out to the balcony, looking at the clear, bright blue sky and placing my hands on the banister. I blinked and removed them, wiping them on my pants. They were wet. In fact... I passed my hand across the length of the whole banister, to find it wet. But with what, I couldn't tell, because I couldn't see water anywhere. And the sky was clear, it wasn't raining. Running my hand across my arm as well, I was surprised to feel it wet too, but there was no water on my arms.

Perplexed, and more than a little confused, I walked back into the room, and headed over to the vase of fresh flowers, the smell becoming stronger as I came nearer to them. Plucking a red-rose in full bloom, I twirled it around my fingers distractedly, still wondering what the heck had been with feeling water on my arms when there was none. But then I forgot it quickly as I focused on the red rose, thinking instead of how much prettier was Rath's hair and eye's red. Much more than the bright red of the flower. Dipping down breathe its sweet scent, I sniffed and then almost gagged. It smelled disgusting , like it was rotten.

Setting it down quickly back on the table, I turned to see Cernozura walking in.

"Hey," I waved, and she frowned. I ignored it, "Those roses smell weird."

"Of course, I'm sorry, I need to replace them with fresh ones," she said apologetically, lifting the vase up.

"Fresh ones? Why fresh?" my eyebrows drew together in perplexity.

She gave me an exasperated look, which was quickly replaced by one of sympathy, as if she'd suddenly remembered a reason to pity me, "Because those are wilted, and wilted flowers smell bad and are ugly."

"They're not wilted! What are you talking about?" I was beginning to get frustrated with everything in general.

Shock spread through her face, and she spoke slowly, "Kaistern? Those flowers are about two weeks old. They're beginning to rot..."

"Oh, yes, of course," I said, trying to fake a smile and instead turning around, a serious look on my face. Was I losing my mind? I looked again at the flowers, and for a second, they appeared wilted, but the image was replaced by those of fresh flowers. I put a hand up to my face, wondering if maybe I did have a fever.

But then I looked out into the bright sunshine, and my mood lifted away, along with all the confusion, and I found that I was ravenously hungry.

"Well, I'm off to have some food," I tipped my imaginary hat towards Cernozura, and she blinked then smiled sweetly.

"It's good to see you've finally gotten over it, Kaistern," she said quietly, almost as if afraid to voice her thought, although her words and face appeared sincere.

"...Right..." I murmured, seeking solace from these confusing scenarios downstairs.

Walking into the main dining hall, surprised faces veered from various stages of eating to look at me. I detected immediately signs of weariness, and a strange atmosphere of mourning that seemed to warp and fade continually. Delte and Thatz were sitting next to Tetheus and Kitchel, with Raseleane at the head instead of Lykouleon, who had most likely been made to stay in his room and off his ankle. Rune was sitting across from Thatz, and Alfeegi and Ruwalk weren't there. Cesia and Zoma were sitting a couple seats away from Rune, nearer to Raseleane.

"Kaistern!" Thatz blinked, motioning for me to sit down between him and Tetheus.

Tetheus gave me an even look, tinged with concern, and then Thatz spoke up cheerfully, "Wow, it's nice to see you up and about on your own."

The black officer gave me a nod, uncharacteristically concerned for a guy who was usually stone-faced. I lifted my fork and stabbed the omelet on my plate, shoving a large piece into my mouth.

"Am I missing something?" I asked with a mouthful. It was like I was three years old again and I'd lost my favorite toy and everyone sympathized.

Thatz's bright brown eyes blinked from underneath his forest-green bangs, giving me an odd look, "I don't think so. What do you mean?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. I turned to glance outside, "It's such a nice day outside."

Suddenly every eye was on me, the same expression I had seen of Ruwalk's face, and on Cernozura's face. Shock. Worry. Fear. Kitchel interchanged a look with Tetheus, and Delte squeezed Thatz's arm worriedly.

"Jeez, are ya'll afraid of a little sunshine?" I muttered, beginning to get impatient with all the looks.

"But it's raining outside, Kaistern," Zoma spoke up, giving me a childish tone in his voice. Like I was the child.

I swung my head sharply again to look outside, and for a moment, thunder boomed in my ear and the hall seemed to seep in darkness corresponding with that of the coulds in the sky.

But just as quickly, the image screeched to a stop and was replaced by the brightness of the sun.

I drew in a wavering breath and tried to stare as evenly as possible back at the dragon clan, despite the sudden turmoil and fear in my stomach, weighing me down. I suddenly wasn't hungry.

"I knew that. I was just kidding. Reverse psychology, you know?" I grinned shakily. The fear didn't leave from their faces, or from my stomach.

I picked at my food, trying to find a way to distract myself from the incredible feeling that something was wrong, with me.

"Kinda quiet without Rath around, isn't it?" I tried to put cheer in my voice.

"Yeah..." Thatz responded with a mournful look. Rune choked a sob back and the rest of the table kind of looked downcast. A frown pulled at my face.

"Jeez, I know you all love him and all, but aren't you overreacting?" I waved my fork at them. Sudden silence followed.

Then Rune stood up, fear mixing with the tears in his eyes, "How can you say that?" he asked in a near death-whisper, eyes staring widely at me, before he stumbled out of the room, without even taking a look back.

"Rune!" the earth knight called out, giving me an almost angry look, fear staring at me squarely in the face, as if there was something wrong with me, "You're the one who'd been overreacting, Kaistern!"

"What the hell? What's wrong with them? I thought they didn't want to go on the mission with him?" I turned to Tetheus, and was again baffled by that look. Like I was demented. And it was starting to piss me off.

"Kaistern..." Tetheus said slowly. Like I was child and he was trying to find the best way to explain to me that my pet dog had died. It was scaring me, I realized. And getting me angry and frustrated.

"What is wrong with you all?" I snapped, standing up abruptly, "Jeez, you're acting like he's dead or something, and I'm going crazy!"

Raseleane and Delte were crying, I realized, their muffled sobs finally reaching my ears. Rune was gone, Thatz having chased off after the distressed elf. Zoma was confused at what was going on looking between me and everyone else, Cesia deathly still at his side, fury burning in her gaze, all directed at me. Kitchel's eyes were wide.

"Tetheus... what's wrong with him?" she whispered, meaning for it to only reach his ears, but I heard it.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" I glared, but inside I was beginning to dread the fact that maybe they were right. There was something slithering in my head, something that was telling me that everything was wrong, that I was fooling myself. I whirled about looking for an answer out of my exasperation, trying to find a way out. Sunlight reached my eyes, cold sunlight. I tried to run away.

But I was stopped by a cold grip on my wrist, painfully wrenching me back.

"Let me go, Tetheus!" I cried out, trying to shake his hand away, unable to keep the rising fear out of my voice, "I want Rath back now!"

"He's not coming back, Kaistern! He's dead!" the black officer said forcefully, and I tried to ignore the words that were like darts through my consciousness, my stomach doing turns from the fear and the anxiety and the worry, and the sudden shock. Like somebody was punching my stomach with lead knuckles.

"No he's not! He's away on a mission!" I said, trying to convince myself as hard as I could, fighting back that invisible person with the leaden punch, fighting off the urge to get sick all of a sudden, and to collapse and cry,

"He's not dead! You're all crazy!" I tried to struggle out of Tetheus' increasingly forceful grasp, fighting him as if getting free of him would win me my own freedom. Freedom from this fear.

"Kaistern! Look at me!" my jaw was pulled roughly to look at him, my neck twisted painfully. My arms were pinned behind me, but I was still struggling. The sunlight was gone. Raindrops splattered against the window, as fast as my heart was beating, as sharply as my head was pounding. A melancholy, rushed melody, "You have to face reality!"

Tetheus' red eyes leered at my broken mind in a mockery of what Rath's living ones had been. He gazed at me evenly, trying to instill some sense of stability into me, trying to calm me down, but I was still struggling. I didn't want to accept that fact.

"You're wrong! Rath isn't dead, you're the ones who're delirious, not me!" My voice was quivering, and in a last attempt to hold me still, Tetheus grabbed my chin again and stared forcefully at me. My lower lip quivered violently as I pleaded one more time, "He's not dead... I'm not delirious..."

"Where is Rath?" the taller black-haired man asked softly, hand still holding my face to keep from turning away, though my body had fallen limp. His eyes bore into me, searching me and breaking the illusion I had been trying so hard to keep alive. My Rath. He was breaking my happy, false illusion that he'd come back. That he was alive again, and would come to me again. Oh God...

"H-He's out on a mission..." I said pitifully, my dull lemon eyes as wide as they could get, my voice sounding like that of a young child, shaking so badly with unshed tears, and my body was beginning to tremble. I was lying. And I knew it, known it, but hadn't realized it.

"Kaistern..." Tetheus murmured, his eyes beginning to glisten, and pulled me close as I began to cry, holding fast onto him, my body shaking violently, sobs racking through my slim frame like they were bent on vengeance, "He's gone, Kaistern."

"I know," I sobbed, gripping his jacket like it was the only thing that would keep me anchored to reality, "I knew it all along, the whole time, I knew there was something wrong, that I was lying to myself!" I looked up at him through tear-stained eyes, "And I fell for it."

He held me, always the stable reassuring force in my life at the castle, the one I had always been able to go to when I had a problem, when I wanted to keep a secret. Like a brother. What I had been to Rath. Stability, and a secret-keeper, and someone to hold him when his demons became too strong. Except that I loved Rath, and I wanted him back! It hurt, to think that I would never walk out of the castle on a trip to see his smiling face waving at me from one of the windows, that I would never come home to his hugs, and then at night lay in bed to his kisses.

It hurt to think that I would die remembering him, seeing him in my last moments. It hurt even more to think that I might fall I love with someone else, having lost the opportunity to be with him. I would never love anyone again. Not like I'd loved him. Never.

I wasn't sure how long he held me, let me cry out all my pain, but I was grateful for it. I was aware too, that Thatz had come back momentarily, that Kitchel had watched the whole time, that Alfeegi and Ruwalk had finally appeared watching with pain in their eyes, and that Cesia had left, Zoma following faithfully at her heels, and that Delte and Raseleane had finally stopped crying. I didn't care though, because all I could think about was Rath, Rath, Rath. My Rath, my beautiful, hurt, dangerous, naïve, confident, loving, jaded Rath.

Never again to see the light of day. Never for me to lay eyes upon again. To live in my memories for the rest of my life, and then for the remainder of eternity.

OoO

Tetheus and Ruwalk had tucked me in to bed, Alfeegi fighting to control his own tears, but giving me a reassuring smile nonetheless. I tried to give him one back, but I don't think I managed to do it very well. I was exhausted, and the worst part was wondering how long I would stay like this.

They left, the door clicking softly, like the boot heel of Rath's shoe would when he was trying to sneak up on me and fail miserably. I looked outside, the trees shadows blurry in the heavy rain, and the dark clouds, and to me, it looked like my fire knight's slim silhouette, glowing darkly in the faded day, though to me it looked as dark as night.

And I was scared. Because I knew that in the dark, he would come back, and walk across my vision, and kiss me, and look at me, and I would see him everywhere.

He wouldn't leave me alone. He was dead, he was gone, but he was still haunting me, sticking to me. And a part of me wanted that, to never forget him, but another part damned the day I had first laid eyes on him, the first time I had seen him with a lover's eyes instead of a parent's eyes, and I wanted him gone. For good, out of my head, so I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore, and maybe then I could go on.

He'd left me in body, and left me broken, but he wouldn't leave my head alone. It was double the torture, and as painful as death itself.

I was tired, so tired, as I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, the shadows looking like Rath's gestures, his hands, his eyes, his face and body. This room, which held as many memories of him as his own room did to me, so much that I could imagine him walking across the floor, laughing darkly at me, while love shone in his dark eyes. Such a dangerous mix of human love and demonic danger.

Why couldn't I forget him? He wouldn't leave my head! I cried again, turning over and burying my head in my pillow, holding back my sobs, then letting the fall into muffled protests of pain against the dampened pillow.

I could never forget him. He was as much a part of me as I had been a part of him. I had given up too much of my heart, and I couldn't take it back. I never knew pain could be so deep, so real, and yet so fake. All in my head, and in my heart, but it hurt worse than if I'd been stabbed to death. Too real. Bleeding, I would bleed forever, and ever, and I would never heal, the wound would never clot and close, and if it ever did, it would leave a scar for the rest of my life.

Years... endless years with him I had lived. I could never forget him. Time was supposed to erase any wounds, any pain, but all it could do was soften it, like a minor painkiller. I would never stop hurting for Rath, and time wouldn't lessen the pain. Ever. There was too much that I had gone through with him, and I would never be ale to forget it all. All time would do was either make it worse, wear me away with each passing second being like an eternity, or damped the blow, just enough so that I could remember him without crying. My memories of him were inerasable.

"Rath... Rath..." I whispered to myself, turning over again, back to stare at the ceiling, my face stinging from how hard I'd rubbed them against the pillow.

I murmured his name a thousand times to sleep.

OoO

"Hey Rath," I smiled, kissing his lips lightly as my way of greeting. They were unresponsive, and his dulled eyes just stared at me.

"What's wrong?" I said softly, sitting down in front of him.

"I'm tired..." he murmured. He wasn't talking about physical pain, I knew, and I knew what he was talking about.

"You'll be Rath for the rest of your life. And even if you aren't, I'll stay with you," I assured him, pulling him over to me and wrapping myself around him, holding him like the child he'd used to be.

"But what if I kill you?" he whispered, his crimson eyes wide.

"You won't," I said, and somehow I knew. I knew he'd never kill me.

He sighed lightly, pale face snuggling against my neck, curling into a ball on my lap, arms tight around my chest.

"Thank you..."

"Of course," I kissed his forehead, "Now, how about we go to bed, hm?"

He nodded innocently, looking up at me like I was all that mattered in his life, and I loved it. I wanted to be everything to him, be someone he could depend on whenever he needed. I needed to be stable and strong for him. I would never weaken, I would always support him.

Tucking him into bed tenderly, then slipping in myself, I held him in my arms, feeling the way he cradled himself in my hold, grabbing my waist tightly, like he needed to hold on to me no matter what.

He'd been scared lately, because he'd been increasingly getting closer to his demons side. I didn't know how to fix it, but I was sure that it was just because of a spell he'd recently cast, and that was just one of the unfortunate side effects. In any case, the problem was that my Rath was scared, and I could only hold him and reassure him. But I would, until he wasn't scared anymore, or troubled.

Stroking his hair, I fell asleep with his even breathing underneath me.

OoO

A scream cut through my dream, jolting me violently out of my sleep, along with the sudden struggling and flailing of the body cradled underneath my arms, and my eyes flew open to find Rath sitting up, breathing heavily. His dark hair disheveled underneath shining perspiration in the eerie moonlight, eyes wide and frightened.

I sat up too, immediately moving to comfort him as began to cry, tears slipping from his pained eyes onto my chest, running down and melting at the hem of my pants, leaving a burning sensation. His body was shaking, his sobs silent, inexistent, but even so I could hear the pain in him, in his scream, embedded in my head. Silent screams echoed in my head, his pain a visible ghost trailing behind him, never leaving him alone. His youkai side.

"I killed you!" he finally whispered, his voice quivering childishly and I held him back, running my gaze through him.

"In your dream?" I asked softly, tracing the lines left by his tears, wiping them away as they fell. He nodded reluctantly, eyes still wide.

"Do you think I care?" I grinned at him, stroking his face and neck, "It's just a dream, you know."

"I know," he nodded, sighing again, hiccups breaking to the surface, the remainders of an uncharacteristic crying session.

"I love you," I murmured in his ear, pressing him to me tightly. His body was so small... so fragile, I thought, and held him even closer.

"I know," he closed his eyes, "And I do too..."

I held him like that, stroking his back, listening to his slow breathing, his cold skin easing its shivering.

"Kaistern?" Clear lakes of red looked at me.

"Hm?"

"Hum for me," he said softly, laying his head back against my shoulder, waiting for me.

"Of course," I whispered even more softly into his ear, and a clear tune slipped from inside my mouth, coming from my throat, a simple, but almost haunting melody that Rath had always loved.

With the lilting melody echoing in our ears as I hummed it softly, I lifted his chin to kiss him lightly, the chorus of the song echoing off my lips as I sang it against his soft lips.

"Never look behind you, life is still ahead. Though demons haunt your mind, love will find your heart.

"Kiss me, hold me, never let me go. I want to keep you here, I want to save myself."

My kiss deepened; I wanted to save him too.

OoO

"Kaistern, look!" I laughed as the young kid in front of me held up his little captive, and ladybug, crawling in circles about his palm. Fire twittered from a branch above, his red hide contrasting against the red and browns of the late summer woods.

"Now let it go, you know," I told him, pushing him along on our little nature walk.

"Rath! Put that down!" I began to laugh again at the freaked out voice behind me.

"Alfeegi, it's only a ladybug," the white officer just wrapped his arms around himself and glared at me.

"Well, you never know what's in these places..." he said, looking about as if he was expecting a bear to jump out and eat him.

"Paranoid," Rath and I said in unison. Fire's paper sign agreed too.

"Why are you so freaked out of some little woods?" I asked my fellow secretary, keeping an eyes on Rath, who zigzagged across the path we were taking for our little nature walk.

"Cause they're evil..." Alfeegi mumbled, glaring at the oak trees, and the little lady's slipper flowers, and the ivy and the little singing birds. I had to laugh. It was just too good.

"You should have stayed with Ruwalk. You know he's incredibly bored back there," I said.

"You know what, that's a good idea..." Alfeegi appeared to perk up.

"Of course it's a good idea, Ruwalk's in it," I jibed at him.

"Wha-?" Alfeegi's face sure turned red quickly, and I whistled appreciatively.

"You know you want him!" I said in a singsong voice. He could turn even redder than I did, and that was saying a lot.

"That's not it! I- I just have a lot of work to do!" Lie, "Plus. I don't like the woods," well, that was true.

"Suit yourself, but say hello to Ruwalk for me. And when I get back, he better tell me that you told him hello for me."

Alfeegi sputtered but finally turned his nose up into the air and stalked off, face still red.

Rath was at my side in an instant, Fire snickering as he alighted on his shoulder. And I burst out laughing.

We grinned widely at each other, "Mission accomplished!"

"Yup," I responded, drawing out a bundle that had been hidden in my jacket.

"Stupid educational walk through the woods," the crimson haired knight chirped happily, taking the bag from me and plopping himself down on the ground.

"Hey! That's not all yours, you know!"

"I know!" he giggled. I sat down next to him, and I began taking out all the contents in the bag. Food, lots of it.

"This is the coolest picnic I've ever been to!"

"It's the only one you've ever been to!" I laughed at him, ruffling his hair. It was pretty cool though. I'd been afraid that Alfeegi's presence to keep this a strictly educational experience would ruin it. But we'd gotten rid of him. So that was good.

I gave a quick glance to my surroundings, feeling very much at peace and content. It was a bit dark, in fact, it might even rain, but the forest setting, teeming with life, was relaxing and completely worth getting drenched for.

"This is great," I breathed in a great gulp of air, filling myself with the exotic scents of the woods, and besides me, Rath copied me. Fire stole one of our cupcakes and flitted on to a branch above.

'Thank you very much,' the sign read.

"So... are we going to eat?" he asked as soon as he was done.

"Dig in!" I responded, and we both dived in at the same time, competing for food in a way the queen would have killed me for letting Rath do. But she wasn't here, I thought gleefully.

Nothing like escaping reality for a little fun.

OoO

After an unexpected food fight, which had left us like a pair of giggling kindergartners, we were sitting back, full of food and I was making up a funny story about putting a blindfold on a bird while Fire watched disapprovingly, shaking his head and deciding to ignore us to talk to a couple birds.

"No, no, it's like this," Rath giggled, "It's like 'I can't see where I'm going!' and then, BOOM! He runs into a tree!" he said with exaggerated gestures.

"Exactly!" I laughed, pushing him onto the grass and tickling him, "Or there's a cat in front of him, and he goes 'Something smells weird! I wonder what it is?'"

"Ew, it's the cat's breath! And it smells as bad as yours!" the little fire knight giggled.

"Yup, and then the cat EATS him!" With that, I dove him to tickle him mercilessly, biting his arm playfully while he squealed and squirmed to get out of my grasp.

Suddenly, a huge boom resonated through the tall woods, heralding an unexpected burst of heavy rain. Fire jumped a mile high, taking to the air and settling back down underneath some pine fronds. Caught completely unawares, we stopped our playing and scrambled for cover. There was none, so we just sat at the foot of a tree.

"Can I play in the rain?" he asked, putting on the big puppy eyes.

"Go ahead," I grinned, settling for just watching him as he skipped about, tossing sticks in the air and collecting rain in the leaves. I let the raindrops cool my face, soaking into my clothes, leaving them clinging to me in a strangely comfortable fashion.

I watched the wonderful little kid in front of me play and act like the child I sometimes wondered how long he'd have the chance to be. But he was happy now, and that was all that mattered.

Thunder boomed in the sky, and Rath eeped and fell down, messy twigs and leaves dirtying his clothing. Fire dove down to scold and double check him before flying back up to his little refuge.

"How about you come sit, Rath?" I called out, deciding he would most likely get a cold if he was out any longer.

"Aw..." he groaned but came over nonetheless. I patted my lap, motioning with a grin for him to sit in it.

With the rain falling about us, and a warm, hazy mist settling around us, Rath's red hair and eyes contrasted with the green leaves, his pale skin something resembling the mist, the woods dark without the sunlight, like his youkai soul, but the blooming flowers and little insects a representation of his innocent child's soul. Two souls, in one body.

I hugged him had, suddenly feeling protective of him, pulling his head under my chin.

"What wrong?" he mumbled from underneath me.

"Nothing's wrong," I smiled at him as he looked into my eyes, searching me, "I just like you."

He knelt on his knees, his face level with mine, since I was sitting. Hi clear eyes looked into my as sincerely, and the mist seemed to thicken and the rain's pattering to reverberate in my head.

"I like you too," he said alluringly, a shade of darkness, like a shadow on the ruby jewels that were his eyes, passed in them, and I recognized it as his darker mood, his youkai side, as he leaned over and kissed me softly, his lips passing over every inch of mine, trekking through my soul and leaving a path of fire, as I just stared, surprised and unresponsive. He leaned back, a mischievous, yet innocent smile on his lips, "A lot."

I don't think my face had ever been as red as that, except the time I had accidentally walked into Lykouleon dressing in his room when I'd forgotten to knock.

And suddenly, he blushed too, and buried his face in my shirt, before whispering, "Do you like all of me?"

Shaken partly out of my embarrassment by the seriousness in his voice, the undercurrent of pain, and the implications. He was referencing to his youkai side again, when he wasn't supposed to even know about it.

"Is there a part of you that I shouldn't like?" I asked carefully. Rath sighed and looked up at me.

"I don't know. Sometimes..." he smuggled with his words, "Sometimes I feel like there's something... black... dark, inside me. And it's... me. But it's not me at the same time. I don't know," his gaze lowered, "Sometimes I just feel like there's something different inside me."

I was speechless, and I doubted that if I opened my mouth right now I wouldn't say something that would make the situation worse. So I pulled him into my chest, and looked at him tenderly.

"Everyone has demons inside them."

"Why are mine so strong?" he muttered bitterly.

"I don't know," I rocked him gently, looking out into the darkened woods, "I don't know."

OoO

"Rath!"

"Leave me alone, Kaistern!" the once sweet voice was now poisoned, pain visible as crystal tears that threatened to fall from his eyes, though squeezed shut, as his body was curled up, knees drawn tightly into his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, his head buried in the small space between chest and knees.

It hurt to see him like this, so pained and defenseless, yet there was a new fear in my head, because he knew. Because everything was different now. He knew. And what was worse, he knew we knew. And we knew he knew, and it was only like a curtain that had fallen between him and us and was now choking us separately.

"We never wanted you to know..." I didn't think it mattered to him, what I said. But I felt compelled to explain myself, to apologize for the pain that now wracked his small body. I saw him as years older though, no longer a child. And it was our fault that he'd grown up in the matter of days.

"You told me that everyone had demons inside them, when you really meant that I had a demon living inside me! You did know, you all knew! And now I know... why you used to look at me so strangely..."

"Would you rather have grown up feeling excluded? Would you rather have known that reason beforehand, and known that it was because of something inside you that we no longer care about that we looked at you like that?" I asked, trying to place some sort of reason or comfort in him. I stepped forward again, arms outstretched, but he glared at me and growled, his eyes glinting dangerously.

I sighed and sat down on the chair I had drawn near the bed.

"Leave!"

"I'm not leaving you," I said resolutely. Rath's eyes widened, and he suddenly jumped up, diving into my arms.

"Never leave me!" he almost sobbed, his body cold and shaking. I held him securely, like I had all my life, comforting him like I would for the rest of his. I would always hold him.

"I won't..."

"I hate you... I hate you so much..." he whispered in broken tones, and I shut my eyes, willing the pain that had risen from his words to settle, but it was sharp, chilling me and making my stomach wrench. He hated us... he hated me...

But that didn't matter. What did matter was that now more than ever I needed to be there for him, even if he didn't want me to.

"Rath... promise me, you'll tell me everything..." I said sternly, giving him a sharp look into his eyes. He gazed back at me weakly for a moment.

"I... promise... But I'll never stop hating you all..." he said, and I knew he meant it. The hate was so evident in his eyes and his voice, and his touch wasn't like it had once been, completely trusting and loving. He'd been betrayed by us.

"I'm sorry..." I pulled his head into me, "I really am. But know... that we all love you."

"I know..."

OoO

I remembered also one time we were at Rath's birthday. Years after his encounter with Kharl, Rune already present.

"Happy Birthday, Rath!" Alfeegi smiled at him, quite a different look from the usual scowl he wore.

"Thanks," he said, taking the present from Alfeegi's hands like with a frozen smile, the hate glowing in his eyes like it had for the past couple years, unrelenting, though he kept it under control.

"Here's my present, don't forget me!" Ruwalk piped in, hugging Rath, who hugged him almost nonchalantly back, pretending a certain degree of affection. But he openly glared at Lykouleon, who looked down mournfully, and let Raseleane give him his present. He hugged Raseleane with a bit more affection than he had Alfeegi and Ruwalk, but not much more.

He did, however seem to not have that coldness towards Tetheus, and even gave him a half sincere smile, even if it didn't quite reach his eyes. It was a lot more than he'd given the others, and they hugged like father and son.

It was all a hard act to see through, and had any stranger been present, they would have never seen through it. But we knew, we felt it, and though we had tried for all these years to break him out of it, to maybe make things the way they had once been, we knew he wouldn't change. And it hurt us all, so that dealing with him was almost painful. It hurt to be hated.

And then it was my turn, and I had a gift for him as well, a new sword, which I swung out from behind me, where it had been hidden. He squealed and took it excitedly, eyes shining in anticipation already. He turned to me, and I felt elation at the way he acted towards me. I knew it was an act. I knew they all though he was so incredibly close to me, but it was a fake closeness. He told me everything and hung out with me and showed me so much more affection than the others only out of obligation for his promise.

But sometimes. I saw the smile reach his eyes, just sometimes, and it held hope, for the future. And I hoped that someday he'd break out of his shell, and see how much we cared for him. He cared a lot for Rune, maybe because he didn't feel betrayed by him, and it sometimes made me jealous. Heck, it made all of us jealous. But we knew it was our own doing, and only we could fix it.

He gave me a smile, the type that made me feel like there was some hope that someday, it wouldn't just be an act towards me, and hugged me, whispering a heart-felt thanks into my ear and then focusing on the new sword immediately.

It was enough for me.

OoO

I woke up late the next morning, and was sitting on my bed, staring outside, when Ruwalk came in.

"Hey, Kaistern..." he greeted me warily.

"It's alright, I'm fine now," I gave him a half-hearted smile.

"Good. You really had me scared yesterday, you know," he said, setting down my breakfast, "Didn't think you'd be up to going downstairs," he explained.

I nodded, grateful, and brought the glass of milk up to my lips, sipping it quietly, "I dreamt of him last night," then a bitter chuckle escaped from my throat as I realized how stupid that sounded, "I dream of him every night, last night wasn't any different."

The yellow officer was quiet, and I didn't expect him to find something to say, but he finally did.

"Do you regret going to his funeral?"

I blinked, then lowered me head, "It hurt... but you were right. I'm glad I did."

"I wish I had..." the brunette secretary murmured to himself, and I looked away.

"I wish he'd come back, Ruwalk..." I mumbled.

"I know, we all do."

"Um..." I fidgeted with my fingers, feeling guilty, "What happened to Rune?"

"Oh," Ruwalk blinked, "Well, Thatz told him what had happened, so it's alright. You know how sensitive he is... he's been taking it the hardest after you," he smiled sadly, "And Alfeegi isn't doing too good either, but he's getting a lot better about it. Lykouleon's the one who's getting me worried now. He's been totally melancholy, I mean, he can't even take a walk to clear his head..."

"What about you?" I asked delicately.

Ruwalk swallowed convulsively, "I- I can't. I have to be strong for Alfeegi..." he looked at me, and I could see he meant it, "Not to say that I haven't hurt, or that I haven't cried, I just... have to hide it. Someone's got to be strong, you know? Tetheus has been really helpful."

He turned the subject of himself away with a tactfulness and subtlety he usually lacked in most other occasions. But I knew he was strong, and I knew he was sad, and it comforted me. Maybe someday I'd be able to cope with it like Ruwalk and Tetheus had.

"Yeah, he's always coming to check on me..." I responded, speaking of Tetheus.

"And doing a lot of our paperwork when Alfeegi and me are occupied."

"Together or separately?" I joked, though I couldn't summon a proper smile.

"Separately, of course!" He blushed, but then laughed.

"You're getting better too, though," he pointed out, "Just know. You haven't made a joke in two weeks as of now."

"I guess... I'll have to accept he's gone... sometime..." I said calmly, gazing back outside. He followed my gaze silently for a while.

"It's a such a bright day today," he said.

"No, it's not" I returned slowly, "It's raining."

I knew I was wrong, but that's what it looked like to me.

Going back to the beggining of the chapter... with Kaistern acting all weird, did anyone get that? Denial, or some similar defense mechanism. I don't know where I got the idea, but did you also get the symbolism of seeing the sun and the fresh flowers, hence life, when there was none?