Too Soon
Day II
"You're home late," Willow yawned as Kennedy walked into their bedroom.
"Sorry," she mumbled.
"Everything go okay? Usually when you're alone you come home earlier…"
"Faith met up with me around one."
"She probably needed to burn off quite a bit of steam," Willow added, sitting up in the bed.
"Oh yeah."
"So she beat some vamps to pulp?"
"No…" Kennedy answered, "we couldn't find any… but she beat the piss out of a wall and some trashcans."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yeah," Kennedy emphasized, "apparently they didn't have so much fun when they went out last night." Willow nodded, unsure of how they could've made the night enjoyable.
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Faith walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom quietly. Xander was awake and he expected her to at least acknowledge him. She walked across the room in front of the bed and over to the closet. She pulled out a loose t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts. She changed with her back turned to him, which gave him enough of a hint that she definitely wasn't happy with him. With a groan he got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He didn't think kissing her with morning breath was going to be the best way to put her in a better mood.
He grabbed his toothbrush and as he turned on the water in the sink he glanced down at it and was immediately woken up when he saw the speckles of diluted blood along the sink. He looked around the bathroom quickly and he saw one or two stray drops on the floor but then tossed nonchalantly into the corner with a few other dirty clothes there was a towel with blood on it. He tossed his toothbrush back down and walked out of the bathroom,
"Pretty nasty vamps last night, huh?"
"No."
"You're pretty torn up," he added, pointing towards her hands with his gaze.
"Yeah," she said pulling her hands behind her back in as subtle as a way as possible.
"So you were really having down and dirty sex with some guy you met up with," he joked.
"Would've rather been having down and dirty sex with you but it wasn't in the cards last night," she muttered. She looked up at him and saw that he was trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say so she cut him off quickly, "I'm going to go work out."
"You just got home," he answered quickly, knowing it was as far as he could go with a comment about her not being home all night. "And… you're not going to go to work?"
"You are?" she asked angrily.
"Yeah, Faith, I'm not just going to sit at home and cry for a week!"
"I was thinking more along the lines of sitting at home with me," she answered angrily.
"Faith…"
"Hey, don't listen to me," she answered holding her hands up in exasperation, "you're talking to the chick who dropped out of school because I thought life was too short, and hell, it's not like I even had a seven day limit…" Her tone was at the opposite spectrum of where it laid the night before – she was defensive and indifferent, not to mention a little crabby.
"I'm just going in to give all the guys a heads up…"
"Watch Larry be pissed off because you're not giving them a two week notice," she answered sardonically. Xander couldn't help but smirk.
"So you're not going in?"
"Drop out because life's too short… you do the math," she snapped, "cause apparently I never learned how." She turned towards the door and he added,
"Buffy's coming by a little later."
"Maybe I should rethink that work plan," she commented sarcastically.
"Faith…" he said slightly disappointed that the two of them didn't get along better.
"What?" she snapped.
"I'll be home in a little while."
"Have fun," she answered as she walked out of the room.
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Kennedy answered the door for Buffy, surprised to see the look on her face. It looked like she probably had gotten about as much sleep as everyone else – zero. Kennedy was on her way out to meet up with Giles at headquarters so she told Buffy that Xander still wasn't back and that Faith was in the workout room. Buffy thanked her then closed the door behind her. She poured a glass of water in the kitchen giving herself a minute to compose herself before going in to see Faith.
She walked into the small workout room and saw Faith punching and kicking the suspended punching bag viciously. In only took Faith about five seconds to realize Buffy was there and she slowly decelerated her punches until she was slow enough to grab the bag to regain her balance.
"Since when did you become a wimp?" Buffy asked playfully.
"What?" Faith snapped ferociously. She immediately thought Buffy was making a jab at her for being upset about Xander. Buffy was taken aback for a few seconds, not expecting her to react the way she did.
"You've got your hands wrapped up," she answered calmly, offering forth a smile. "You used to make fun of me for wrapping mine." Without a word, or worse yet, a softening of her expression, Faith began to unwrap her hands angrily tossing the wrappings onto the ground by Buffy's feet.
"I fucked 'em up bad last night," she said rubbing her knuckles carefully.
"Yeah," Buffy answered seeing the deep scrapes and cuts on her hands. "Well, I'm glad to see you're not into hurting yourself with this whole Xander thing," she added sarcastically. "It's good that you wrapped them," she added, this time without sarcasm but more with concern, "you'd really be in pain if you were punching without them wrapped…" she babbled.
"I would but Xander doesn't like them all fucked up like that," Faith answered flatly. Buffy nodded, trying to role with the punches. She would've been stupid to not expect this kind of attitude from Faith – it was all she had thought of the whole way over here.
"I came to see Xander but I came to see you too… Wil said you were pretty upset."
"No, I'm fucking happy," she answered sarcastically before a look of disgust. Buffy was going to have to try much harder than that to get in.
"Faith, I-"
"Please, for the love of God, B, spare me the Buffy wisdom." She stopped Buffy in her tracks and her train of thought was also lost.
"You still deal with things just like you used to…"
"That's me, good ol' predictable Faith," she answered sarcastically.
"Faith-"
"You know, B, you don't have to sit in here and have me rip you apart and frankly just piss me off, you're welcome to sit in the living room till Xander gets home."
"Okay… I just wanted to make sure you're okay."
"I'm not the one dropping dead – I'm five by five."
"It probably feels that way though…"
"It's a familiar feeling," she answered nonchalantly.
"Faith, you know you can't just deal with it this way, right?"
"So really you just came in here to piss me off and try and tell me how I should deal with the fact that Xander's dying?"
"It's really hard, Faith, and-"
"You have no idea, so don't even front like you do."
"Faith, I do have an idea!" Buffy yelled, finally losing patience. Her tone was immediately filled with tears, even before her face was. Her expression was filled with tension and that sense of desperation as if she needed to win belief out of whom ever she was talking to. "And you know what, maybe you've got it easier than the rest of us. You may be sleeping with him but you haven't known him as long as us and-"
"It's your fucking fault he's dying!" she screamed angrily, "and you've done nothing but take things I care about away from me, so why don't you go into the living room and wait for him to get home," she suggested strongly.
"I've taken away from you!?" Buffy yelled angrily. Xander had just gotten home and hearing the yelling he ran over to the room.
"Hey!" he called, jumping into the room mixing his tone with part mediation but part greeting so that they didn't think he was just making the assumption they were fighting. He was thankful seeing Buffy on her way to getting really angry but even though Faith already looked like she was there, she was holding herself a few paces apart from her. He knew both Slayer's better than either of them realized and just walking in and seeing the posture and stances of both of them, he could tell what had gone on and where it would have gone had he not intervened.
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Xander walked into the bedroom as soon as Buffy had gone. He hated seeing the people around him so broken and weak… some people had heroes on television that they admire and love watching them be strong for that hour time slot. His heroes lived with and around him and he got to watch them be strong twenty-four seven. But that meant that he also had to watch them – on that rare occasion – be not so strong, and it made him feel a crumbling feeling inside, which he hated. His idols, the people he admired, were the people he saw everyday saving lives at the risk of their own.
Faith was sitting on the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them watching the T.V. She had partially excused herself from the living room when Xander was going to talk to Buffy, but she had also been somewhat told, which was the part that she chose to ignore. He couldn't help but liken her to a child who had been sent to their room as she sat on the bed with a bitter expression. She knew it was for the best for her to not be around but she also didn't like being told the things she already knew.
"Hey," he said softly as he closed the door behind him. She turned her attention away from the television and looked over at him. "Feeling a little bit better?" he asked caringly. She pulled her hands slowly down and under her seat hoping to shield them from his view without him noticing. Her attempt was naturally unsuccessful and he walked over to the bed and sat next to her. He slid his hand under butt and hand and slid it out gently. The cuts had mostly closed but there was still slight opening and scrapes along the skin where they were. He analyzed her hand for another moment before she pulled it away and replaced under her,
"Sorry," she muttered apologetically. She knew how much he hated when she hurt herself in a fight but worse yet when she did so just take out her emotions physically which unfortunately happened fairly often. He knew it was her way of dealing with things but just because he understood it didn't mean he liked it. He leaned towards her and kissed her lovingly on the side of her forehead and wrapped his arms around her back and legs, which were still held tightly together.
"I love you," she told him as she leaned on his chest lovingly.
"Is it just me or have you been telling me that a lot lately?" he asked with a smile. She nudge him playfully with her elbow and he added, "you know, I should have tried this dying thing eighteen months ago when I was trying to get you."
"It's not like you tried very hard…"
"Hey," he defended with a laugh, "you're pretty difficult when you're smashed," he recalled.
"Whatever," she teased.
"Let's see… how exactly did that night go?"
"I can tell you up until about the first hour and then the next morning, the middle, unimportant details I've kind of forgotten about," she joked.
"Right, those unimportant details of me picking you up off of the barstool and carrying you home."
"I remember you dropping me," she interpolated quickly.
"You were flopping around like a fish in a tank of beer!"
"They don't really flop," she added guiltily, remembering the time she had done that.
"Well, I picked you up off the floor pretty darn quick."
"That floor was sticky," she commented, like most bars were.
"And I got you off of it right away," he answered proudly. "Then I somehow managed to get your rowdy self back home… even if it did take me over an hour." He remembered that long walk home. The headquarter location at the time, where she had still been staying with Giles and a couple of the other girls, was only about seven blocks away but between her weaving and carrying on, it had taken far longer than expected. He had tried the entire time to convince her to just be carried but that led to several arguments and anecdotal tales from the both of them. Finally, when they had gotten within a block of the house she was too consumed with how sick she was beginning to feel and he was able to pick her up and carry her the rest of the way.
"You know you're the first guy who's ever taken me home and not expected anything… I mean, you didn't even try," she added, "how the hell can you resist me?"
"I know, I'm extraordinary but I've got to admit, the constant vomiting helped a little."
"Just a little bit," she teased. He smiled and she added reminiscently, "You want to know what I remember the most, though?"
"What?"
"I remember how you helped me walk from the bathroom to my bed and then went and grabbed a cold towel… I held it for you when you put my hair back and then you took it and wiped my face with it to help me feel better. But you know what I really remember? I remember looking up at you and hoping you'd never leave." She paused, realizing where her story had brought her against her intent. She felt a wave of despondency run through her as she realized she was going to lose him – too soon.
He saw the happiness melt from her face and he stroked her cheek gently.
"Do you remember what happened after that?" he asked with a soft smile.
"You tried to go sit in a chair and I told you to lie down with me but you didn't want to. You said you were fine on the chair…"
"Then you tried to convince me you weren't drunk anymore," he laughed, "meanwhile you smelled more of liquor than the entire bar. But then you told me that you didn't want anything except for me to lie with you… so I did."
"Been stuck on you ever since," she teased. He kissed the side of her forehead again and she added, "Xander, I love you… I always will."
"I love you too," he answered but he was worried about the second half of her phrase. "Faith, you're twenty-two… I want you to be with someone else."
"What?" she asked, pulling away from his hold quickly.
"That came out wrong," he admitted. "I just don't want you do be alone and-"
"I told you – I don't want to be with anybody else. You don't want that anymore?"
"Faith, I just… now I don't because I know I'm not going to be there to make you happy anymore. I can't be."
"Well…" she answered angrily but in an anxious and unsure way, "I still don't need anybody else, I don't want to be with anybody else… I don't need to be… I'm yours," she explained.
"You're twenty-two years old!" he emphasized.
"In Slayer years that's like… that's like what, eighty or something," she defended. He could tell by her tone that she was quickly reaching the point in the conversation where she wasn't going to be able to stay together about the whole thing.
"Listen, I'm-"
"Whatever," she said cutting him off, "I'm going to go work out again," she added getting up off of the bed.
"This whole thing gets to you – I know… but… going and beating up a bean bag isn't going to make it better…"
"And walking around acting like nothing isn't going to just make it disappear!"
"Faith-"
"You deal with this your way and I'm going to deal with this mine… obviously dealing with it together isn't in your deck so I guess I can just take it out of mine."
"You're not dealing with it! You beat up things and then – like last night – you just want to have a random roll in the sheets, and I know you're only doing that because you want to forget about everything. You do that because you want to just forget what's going on and… and, I don't know why you do it!"
"Listen, why don't you save your psychoanalyst voice for when you're getting paid two-fifty an hour," she mocked, "and right now I'm broke, as you know, and hey, I probably lost my job today too, wanting to spend the time I had left with you! And as far as the random screw you're so convinced I need, why don't I just give Larry up a call? Maybe I'll save my job after all."
"You know, could you not give me the image of you fucking Larry, please?"
"Did it ever occur to you that the random fuck you're talking about from last night was me wanting to be with you? Did you ever think that I just wanted to be close to you? It's been a year and a half and you're going to call me a slut for wanting to be with you?"
"Did it ever occur to you that I'm the one dying here, Faith?"
The room fell completely silent – Faith was shocked by the reprimand she had received and Xander immediately regretted saying it. They both stood there without moving for several long moments in silence. Faith finally made the first move and walked over to the closet and grabbed a zip up sweatshirt.
"Where are you going?" She shrugged,
"I don't know."
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"So how are they?" Giles asked Buffy solemnly. "I've seen both Willow and Kennedy this afternoon but I've yet to see Xander… or Faith for that matter," he added realizing how huge the impact was going to be on the both of them.
"Xander's actually doing okay," she answered. She looked as though she had been crying, but unlike Faith she seemed to have been able to let out all of her tears and was now capable of handling the situation. "He's pretty solid with the whole thing… but then again, Xander always seems to be pretty solid no matter what we throw at him." Giles nodded,
"And Faith?"
"Well, let's see… if Xander's a solid than Faith's a gas… an unstable gas!" With a glare from Giles she admitted, "so we got in a little fight while I was over there… simply put and void of most insults, she's bugging."
"I'm sure," Giles answered pensively. He had been so preoccupied with Xander he hadn't even thought into how Faith would be taking the whole thing, but now that he did he was becoming increasingly concerned. To his knowledge, the last person Faith had lost of such important magnitude was the Mayor and after that she was extremely violent towards Buffy and then she had moved on to Los Angeles and caused extensive damage, including the torture of Wesley, then she had become suicidal, begging Angel to take her life. If he dared to say also, he felt that her connection with Xander was not only a healthier one but a stronger one as well.
He knew she had come a long way since Mayor Wilkin's and he knew her reaction wouldn't be directed nearly in the same way as it was for him but the magnitude behind her actual reaction, whatever the form, would inevitably be the same. Needless to say, he was concerned.
"So really, how is she?" Giles asked again.
"Well, I went in to see her and she was beating the crap out of a punching bag and then she unwrapped her hands and they might as well have been put through a shredder with the cuts on them… so basically it was the typical, mature, Faith-ness. She's upset so she acts angry and violent, she's sad so she acts angry and violent, she's hurt so she acts angry and violent… need I go on?"
"You realize how dangerous it could end up being if she remains so closed and in denial, don't you, Buffy?"
"Listen, I was good – she was being Faith and all in my face and attitude-ish and I held it together pretty well… but you know if anyone can make me mad it's her, and so she did and then it all kind of went down hill from there. Did you know that she's blaming this on me?"
"Yes, quite," he answered as though he had already assumed so.
"What? You think so too?" she asked defensively.
"No, of course not, but I had assumed she might blame you. Buffy, I know this is going to be very hard on everyone involved, but I need you to understand something. As difficult as she may be in the next weeks, it's all because of what she's been through and how much this loss is going to mean to her. I mean, none of us even know how deep that's going to run – when someone loses someone close to them they not only grieve for that person but they grieve for everyone they've already lost. She's going to be thinking of Mayor Wilkins, her mother, her first Watcher, I mean, who knows how many important people she's lost…
"But one thing is important for you to understand. You need to be there for her, Buffy. You two may both hate and despise it, but it's a fact that both of you need each other and as you said, no one can make you as angry as Faith can but I've got to tell you, no one can make you as happy as she can either! You forget, I was around when the two of you were at your closest and the chemistry between you was amazing – use that to both of your advantages and help her through this… she's tried so hard to win back your approval over the past years. Buffy, take this time to accept it and help her through this."
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Xander had stayed standing where she left him as she walked out but after a couple minutes of being left in deep thought he charged himself forward and ran from the bedroom and out towards her car on the street in front of the house. He was pleasantly surprised that he hadn't missed her. To his advantage she was serious when she told him she didn't know where she was going and presently she was trying to decide. He jogged over to the driver's door and she glanced over at him – trying to mask any emotions towards him that she had. He took the look as admission and opened the door and squatted down next to the car so they were about at the same height.
"What do you want?" she asked curtly.
"Listen," he said taking one of her hands off of the wheel and putting in his. "I know that… well, physically is a way that you're comfortable both showing and being shown… affection. And I have no excuse," he admitted with a shrug, "I've known you long enough to know that right about now you probably feel like I don't care about you since I haven't been with you in a while… but, Faith, you have to know how much I really love you. I know I'm trying not to show it but… this whole thing is really hard for me."
He watched her face immediately soften sympathetically. She was surprised that he had been able to figure out how emotionally important it was for her to have their relationship be on some physical plane. He understood that it was really the only time she openly showed how much she loved him and she really accepted it as a way for him to show her the way he felt. The fact that they exchanged, 'I love you' s regularly now had to be some sort of monumental height.
Sex had always been important to their relationship. As soon as they were really thinking of themselves as a couple, or at least a 'thing' – as Faith put it – it was easy for Xander to realize how important the sex was. If for some reason they missed two days in a row in the beginning, it was immediately obvious how put off she was and how insecure she immediately became. It came too with it's own setbacks; he thought himself fairly aware of Faith's past after being with her his first time and having such a clear awakening to the 'importance' she held it with. But he had realized – as he shared with Willow – how much it had actually fucked with her.
There were certain things that would just set her off, or really more shut her down. He tried to be really romantic one night, which had already made her uncomfortable, and then when he was making love to her he kept everything really slow and purposeful, looking into her eyes the whole time and kissing her gently. Well, that night's romanticism had gotten shot to hell when she struggled to tell him to get off of her then she got up and got dressed and when he had gone to try and see what was wrong he was concerned with how violently she was shaking.
Still squatting next to the drivers door he stood up half way and kissed her, still holding her hand lovingly. He reached his other hand over to the ignition and turned the car off and took out the key. He kissed her again unbuckled her seat belt, which he was shocked she was actually wearing.
"Come on," he urged. She got out of the car and stood looking at him as he closed the car door and turned back to her. He grinned at her as she glanced down at the ground shyly – for someone who was such an exhibitionist she was certainly not comfortable with PDA's. He kissed the corner of her mouth so he could feel the sides raise as she smiled. He walked behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist and continued to kiss her neck and cheek as she walked into the house. She turned and locked the apartment door behind them and when she turned back around to face him he grabbed her waist and picked her up.
She kissed him passionately as they stumbled towards their bedroom. She had his shirt unbuttoned and him sufficiently tangled in it as they were through their door. She couldn't help but laugh at him as he struggled to free himself.
"You stuck?" she teased. He stopped trying to free himself, completely distracted by her. She flashed him a devilish grin then slowly began to unbutton her shirt. "That's too bad," she teased further as she dropped her shirt to the ground. She looked over at him slowly, distracting his eyes from her body and onto her face until he heard the faint dropping noise of her shorts unto the floor. He couldn't help but stare at her standing there in a matching set of red underwear. She touched his lips so lightly if he wasn't staring at her he wouldn't be sure if she kissed him or if a hot breeze had just run over his lips.
He had managed to free himself several moments earlier but had been far too distracted to even tell his brain to drop the shirt to the ground. He had been with her for a year and a half and she seemed more gorgeous every time he looked at her. He had been with pretty woman before – hell, he'd been with gorgeous woman – but none of them held the sexiness that she did. Everything about her was sexy; there wasn't a moment in any day when someone couldn't recognize that. He had been in a meeting with Buffy and Faith a while back when he realized that that was what separated the two of them, at least for him. He found them both incredibly attractive, but to him, the elusive sensuality that Faith had was what brought her out so far above Buffy.
"You're so beautiful," he mumbled. He dropped his shirt to the ground them held her hips in his hands. She pressed her body against his bare chest and kissed his lips,
"I love you," she whispered to him. Her tone upset him though – it was clear that she had just reminded herself that she was going to lose him. It was so hard for her to not run away from the way she felt about him and shut her feelings out when she knew she was losing him, but what they had seemed to go beyond what she could deny anymore. It was a subtle sign in her voice but it hurt him. He touched her cheek with his hand and kissed her again.
"I love you too."
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Larry did his usual rounds on the construction site to make sure everyone wasn't just sitting around eating lunch when they should be working double time to make up for their lack of it on this new project. They had promised to have the job finished on a date that even in the best conditions would be hard to meet. He walked down a small dirt mound and was greeted by several workers sitting down in a circular pattern just talking when they should've been working.
"What the hell is going on?" he growled. They all jumped to their feet like children caught playing with matches.
"Mr. Owens, how are you?" Jimmy asked quickly.
"I'm shitty, actually," he snapped, "and you want to know why? Because I have a useless crew of workers who don't do shit!"
"Sir, we couldn't-" one worker began before the one next to him jabbed him in the side sharply. He immediately shut his mouth but not before Larry's suspicions were heightened.
"What were you going to say?"
"Me, Sir?"
"Yes, you, what were you saying? Charlie, leave him alone, I want to know what he was going to say." Charlie stepped aside and Larry stepped up to him with an offensive stance. The young worker gave a guilty and apologetic glance at Charlie then answered,
"Sir, I was just saying that we don't have anything we can do."
"And why is that?" Larry asked, picking up his usual patronizing tone.
"Well, sir," he hesitated, "because… well, the way the shift works is that the station before us preps the area and then we build and modify on it."
"And why isn't the shift working then?"
"The station…" he covered, "isn't here." Larry turned angrily towards Charlie,
"Who's station is it?"
"Faith's, Sir," he answered begrudgingly.
"Faith didn't show up?" The downward glances of the entire ground answered his question. "She's finished!" he stated angrily.
"You can't do that," Charlie answered jumping to her defense.
"And why not?"
"Because of what's going on with Xan- Mr. Harris, of course she didn't come in."
"Unless he's dropping dead I don't care what the situation is…"
"He is, Sir," Charlie answered angrily.
"What?" Larry asked in shock, then regaining himself shot, "well, I don't care. She should've called in – there's no special treatment for the workers fucking administration!"
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He held her close to him – her body still trembling slightly – and he stroked her arm affectionately. Looking deeply into her face, searching for some sort of admission or weakness, he saw her biting anxiously at her lower lip. It was a normal gesture for her, she did it often, but it caught his attention. He kissed her lips, trying to distract her from the nervous habit, but she quickly resumed afterward.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," she answered unconvincingly. He continued stroking her shoulder and arm, tracing the lines of her tattoo with care. Finally she added, "so many things could be different."
"You can't think that way… besides, if things were different we might not be together." She thought that over for a second then answered,
"I could just be keeping you from being happier with someone else… maybe it's bad that things worked out this way… I mean, yeah it's great for me, but you're probably missing out and-"
"Is everything okay? Was that just like terrible sex for you or something, because usually you're after-sex happy doesn't wear off for at least an hour… I mean, I was trying – what didn't you like?" he snapped.
"Stop it…" she reprimanded.
"What? I'm just asking what I did wrong, I'm not doubting our entire relationship and wishing it never happened," he answered sardonically.
"I didn't say that!"
"Generally that's not one of those things you have to say outright but actually you went ahead and said it exactly." He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ready to get up but he felt her hand quickly grip his arm,
"Don't… I'm sorry… I just…" He glanced over his shoulder back at her not just surprised by her action but really by her tone. She looked submissively up at him then kissed his arm where she had grabbed him to stay.
"Don't do that," he answered angrily. She backed off immediately knowing exactly what he was talking about – he hated when she slipped into that forced, submissive role that so many men had taught her to do when she needed something. It so wasn't what she was about or how she was, which was why it made him so angry. He hated that someone so strong felt that they needed to slip into that in order to convey their feelings. He knew it was a sign of insecurity and desperation on her part but he hated it; he hated that there were still times when she felt insecure and desperate around him.
She pulled the sheet around her upper body and sat up in the bed on the other side from where his legs were still hanging off. He looked over at her and could see her mind working painfully over everything flying through it. He stood, grabbing a pair of boxers off of the ground and sliding them on. He heard her move so he turned to face her and saw that she had only pulled her knees up to her chest under the sheet and was now hugging her legs tightly. It amazed him that she could make such a picture of innocence in its epitome. He found himself staring, almost in amazement at her, as though she were actually a picture, until he saw her features change almost in an instant. He walked over to her side of the bed quickly and sat by her feet,
"Baby, what's wrong?" He saw it in her face how she went from just thinking to looking like she had lost everything.
"I wish I didn't love you," she answered firmly. He was taken aback for a moment but then as she continued he understood what she meant. "I wish we weren't together. I wish I didn't care about you. I wish I hated you like everyone else. I wish you never made love to me. I wish you never kissed me. I wish everything was just different! I wish you weren't fucking sick! And I wish you weren't leaving me and I wish it didn't hurt this way… I wish I didn't care."
He sat next to her on the bed and pulled her into his lap holding her tightly. She wasn't crying – he guessed because her eyes were so unused to crying that they were completely stocked out of tears – but she had her jaw tightly clenched and her arms still tightly bound around her legs. He held her tightly against him with one hand on her face holding it against his.
"I wish this didn't hurt you so much," he answered kissing her forehead as he rocked her slowly back and forth to soothe her.
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"Hey!" Willow greeted with a forced smile. She was glad they were there but needless to say, the situation didn't seem really worth smiling about. The gang had decided to all meet up for dinner at the apartment and put in some quality together time – since they all realized just how soon there wasn't going to be everyone to be together with anymore.
"Hello," Giles answered as he walked in the door followed by Buffy and Dawn. He handed Willow a covered dish,
"What's this for?"
"We figured it's bad enough we're invading your place so we brought some grub," Buffy answered with a smile.
"Who cooked it?" Kennedy asked playfully.
"Me and Giles," Dawn answered, "Buffy wasn't anywhere near the kitchen."
"Oh good," Kennedy answered.
"Very funny," Buffy answered. She turned to Willow and Giles and saw that they too were relieved as they gave her playful glances.
"Hey guys!" Xander greeted happily from the kitchen. He seemed to be in brighter spirits than anyone else, which put smiles on everyone else's faces right away. It reminded them all very quickly that Xander had always had that role and it was nice to see that he was holding on to it.
They all greeted him in kind and in a blink everyone was weaving in and out of the kitchen and dining room.
"Do you need anything else?" Kennedy asked Xander when everyone but her was occupied with a job of their own.
"Everything's pretty much set… do you think you could go grab Faith? She should really spend some time with everyone… being happy." Kennedy nodded understandingly then walked out of the kitchen and over to their bedroom. She knocked and asked,
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah." She walked in, closing the door partially behind her. Faith was standing by the window smoking a cigarette. "I'll be out in a minute," she stated holding up the last half of the cigarette as a means of telling time.
"Okay," Kennedy answered, acknowledging that she had said that so she'd just leave, so she walked in further and plopped down confidently on the bed bouncing up and down a few times before settling down quietly on it. "Got good bounce," she commented with a smirk. She expected to at least get a smile out of that one but Faith just exhaled a long stream of smoke out of the window and quickly filled her lungs up with it again.
"I'll be out in a minute," she repeated, attempting again to rid herself of the unwanted company.
"Good… everyone's here," she answered remaining seated on the bed trying to maintain her overwhelmingly positive attitude. She looked over at Faith, someone who no matter what the situation, she found something about her worth idolization, but tonight she just looked… not right. There was one thing Kennedy thought of Faith the first time she'd ever met her – the only person that could kick that girls ass was herself. And it seemed like that had always held true and tonight it looked like she had given herself a royal ass kicking.
"You look… you're eyes look," Kennedy began, feeling uncomfortable with the prolonged silence. Then she realized midway through her sentence that her eyes looked puffy because she had been crying. "You look tired," she stated, trying to conceal what she had discovered, even if it wasn't a difficult discovery. She was shocked by the reaction she got. Faith slammed her hand holding the cigarette into the window sill,
"Whatever," she yelled throwing the cigarette out of the window. She walked past the bed and over to the bathroom and turned the water on in the sink. Kennedy got off of the bed and walked over to the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe looking in at Faith.
"Hey, you look fine… since when did you become so concerned with what you look like?"
"Kennedy! I just…" she stopped herself from going off and took a breath, "Ken, just go and… I'll be out in a minute."
"You've said that three times in the last five so…"
"What the hell do you want from me?"
"I kind of just want you to come out and say hi to everyone." Faith took a deep breath trying to ease her frustration. She cupped her hands under the water then splashed it over her face. She wiped her face with a towel then walked back into the room and grabbed one of Xander's sweatshirts off of the bed. She put it on and it was almost longer than the blue and green plaid boxer shorts she was wearing. She lit another cigarette then walked out of the room.
She had hoped to be able to find a quiet place to sit down without having to talk to anyone for a few minutes but as soon as she exited the bedroom she was within two strides of Giles who had just headed towards the bedroom to come see her. He had been extremely concerned with her wellbeing and the fact that she had been absent thus far only encouraged his fear.
"Faith, hello."
"Hey, G-man," she greeted, forcing a smile she always found for him. She ran her left hand through her hair, pulling it away from her face and out from under the sweatshirt. "How's it hanging?"
"Well," he answered, trying to balance his cool factor with his English-ness. He had to admit his fears certainly weren't eased by seeing her. Honestly, she looked absolutely terrible. Her face was ghost pale and her eyes had heavy bags underneath them and they were puffy. Her hair wasn't done in any sense of the word – it was a curly mess that luckily for her still seemed to fall into the right place. She was wearing a pair of pajama shorts that were very short, he couldn't help but notice – only making it easier to see that she had lost even more weight and muscle - and a huge sweatshirt that would cover the shorts if she didn't have it slung up on one side over her hip. The messy look mightn't have worried him except that it certainly wasn't cold enough for anything other than a tee-shirt outside, and inside it was even warmer. Her clothes and her face made it clear to him that she was suffering physically, and for a Slayer, that was a hard thing to do.
"How are you?" he forced himself to ask even after he had already decided on his own answer.
"You know me," she answered with a shrug. She motioned to walk away and he quickly asked,
"Are you smoking more?"
"What?"
"I haven't seen you smoke in a while… are you smoking more?" he asked. She knew – since he voiced it quite often – that he hated that she smoked.
"I don't know," she answered with a shrug.
"Faith, do-"
"Giles, I'm fine," she snapped. "Excuse me," she muttered, walking past him. Kennedy was still standing by the bedroom door and she held her hands up, gesturing that she understood how he felt speaking to the brick wall with an attitude. Giles would've stayed with Kennedy to 'compare notes' but he didn't want to miss a stride so he struck off in the same direction as she had. She walked towards the kitchen then immediately stepped to the side to stay out of everyone's way who were carrying plates of food to the dining room.
The kitchen was soon vacant except for her and Xander and she walked over to him by the stove and placed her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his shoulder until he was finished with what he was doing then, turning off the stove, he turned to her and kissed her dropping his hands down to her hips. He held her close to him for several long moments while he looked down at her then he kissed her softly again.
"You feeling okay?" she asked, leaning her head on his shoulder again.
"I'm good," he answered, kissing her forehead.
"Xander, do you need me to-" Buffy asked as she walked through the door. She stopped short, unsure really why, but she felt like she had walked in on something when they were really just standing next to each other with his arm around her. She didn't care if it had been almost two years – she didn't think she'd ever get used to seeing the two of them so intimate, especially after knowing Faith's 'policy' on getting intimate. Xander wanted to laugh at her silliness but he couldn't when he felt Faith react the same way. He held on to her, refusing to listen to her silent protest, and answered Buffy as though everything was normal,
"I can get the rest, thanks, Buff."
"Okay…" she answered, hastily exiting the kitchen, even after she realized how silly she was being.
"Why do you do that?" he asked giving her a small squeeze around her waist with his arm.
"Do what?" she asked glancing up at him.
"I don't know… you just act like being with me is a crime."
"It's just a reflex," she muttered, trying to mask her embarrassment.
"And I was under the impression that you were a swank," he joked.
"I like to play," she agreed, "but… I don't know… she can make me feel guilty for drinking a glass of water."
"She shouldn't… she's not exactly preaching from a clean platform anymore either."
"I know… she's still better than me though."
"Depends what you're looking for," he joked, squeezing her again.
Everyone found their seats at the table excited to finally be eating. It had been a long and stressful day for everyone there and it was nice to finally be able to sit down. The only two missing from the table were Xander and Faith; everyone was talking amongst themselves until the two of them walked in from the kitchen. The talking ceased as everyone absorbed the image into their minds of the two of them standing side by side so simply and close. Some were quiet out of happiness and a slight amazement at how whole the picture of the two of them was while others were quiet out of shock and somewhat disapproval.
"Thank God, I'm starved!" Kennedy finally said, once again uncomfortable with the silence in the room. Giles was at the head of the table with Xander at this left, followed by Faith, then Kennedy and Willow who shared the other end of the table across from Giles, with Buffy and Dawn finishing.
"So how's everything at your new job?" Dawn asked Faith excitedly. She opened her mouth to answer but then no words came out as she realized she was probably without that new job at this point. She mustered up a shrug and a smile and Dawn pressed, "What do you mean?"
"I don't know if I still have the job," she finally answered.
"Larry fired you for not coming in?" Xander asked turning to her.
"Probably."
"What do you mean, probably. What did he say?" he waited a moment and seeing the only answer he was going to get was the blank expression with raised eyebrows he sighed, "you didn't even call in, did you?"
"No," she answered nonchalantly. He sighed again, this time with more frustration.
"So how have you been feeling?" Giles asked.
"Me?" Xander asked, as though there were anyone else at a health risk at the table. "I've felt better… but you know, it could be worse." His tone surprised Faith with it's seriousness in which he answered the question. Whenever she had asked she had received a small squeeze or smile followed by a reassuring 'fine'.
"I did a little research on the topic… you've been experiencing headaches am I right?"
"Yeah."
"They've yet to escalate, correct?"
"Yeah, they're not… they're still okay on… on minimal…" he began to hesitate with the conversation knowing emotions would soon be aroused over the subject. The headaches were bound to worsen increasingly as the days went on but luckily they hadn't gotten out of control as of yet. He was still only on minimal medication for the pain but the doctor had prepared him and given him more than enough medication for when they became unbearable and he needed to basically just take them every hour.
Buffy got up from the table going into the kitchen for a drink. She didn't want to think of Xander being in pain, especially from an intangible foe whom she couldn't rid him of. Giles saw her get up and decided to shift the conversation where he could.
"Robin told us to be sure to say hello for him. He's sorry he had to miss dinner but he was… preoccupied," Giles added, realizing perhaps his shift in conversation wasn't for the best. Things between Robin and Xander had been fairly sticky over Faith. It wasn't something that Giles really thought about which was why he didn't realize it would be a bad thing to bring up but when the tension rose slightly in the room – mostly from others anticipating there being tension from Faith and Xander – he was reminded.
"Do you want something to drink?" Faith asked Xander.
"No thanks," he answered with a small smile.
"Okay," she answered as she stood and walked towards the kitchen.
The tension between Xander and Wood was unexpected. Both seemed to be very amiable gentlemen but both were very stubborn at the same time. Wood felt he had a claim to Faith, or at least at trying to get Faith in a permanent sort of way. He continued with his efforts even as Faith and Xander were obviously becoming an item. It was understandable from both sides – Xander was pissed because he was with Faith and there was another guy trying to get her for himself but as can be imagined, Faith and Xander weren't ones to publicize themselves as a couple past the time when it was obvious to everyone. Still to this day they didn't introduce themselves as such or even act very much like it around others.
Faith walked into the kitchen then realized her error when she saw Buffy. She grabbed at a box of cigarettes on the nearby counter and quickly lit a stoke. Buffy turned to her, hearing the clicking of the lighter.
"Do you guys have diet soda?" Faith shrugged,
"Maybe in the back." She nodded then began her search,
"Do you want anything?"
"Yeah, pass me a beer."
"Light?" she asked holding up a Coors Light.
"Fuck no," Faith answered quickly. Buffy smiled and replaced it quickly with a Corona. Buffy handed it to her and got a nod of thanks.
"You're handling this whole thing really well…" Buffy began quietly, needing something to fill the stagnant silence between them. Faith continued smoking her cigarette without the slightest acknowledgement. "I mean… I think I would've started freaking out or something," she continued, wanting desperately to sound understanding and caring.
"Yeah, I think you freaking out last time resulted in a dagger through my gut," she answered nonchalantly.
"You deserved it!" she spat angrily. Really she had an overwhelming guilt surrounding the entire situation – she knew it's what had to be done in that moment but whether she would admit it aloud or not, she loved Faith and stabbing her was like stabbing herself. A part of her, a part she would never admit she had, understood Faith and why she did things – it was the part of Faith that made her such a good Slayer and everyone knew it. It was the part of Buffy that she held back that kept her from being that incredible, prophetic Slayer that she could have been.
"Whoa B, it's fine – what's past is past, right?" she answered, maintaining her composure before adding, "and if you want to start throwing blame around, let's think who's fault Xander's dying is. What goes around, comes around – I guess that really does hold true."
"Shut up! You can't put that on me!"
"Whatever," she answered, tossing her cigarette out of the window.
"It's not my fault!" Faith went to walk out of the kitchen and Buffy added, "you know it's not my fault."
"Since when does it matter what I think?"
"Oh, don't act all innocent about this shit." Faith walked back towards the dinning room and muttered,
"How'd you like a knife through your gut," then sat down next to Xander again.
"That was the fastest fight ever!" Xander greeted. He was kidding entirely since what had gone on in the kitchen hadn't been heard in the dinning room.
"Sorry," she muttered. He was caught a little off guard by the apology and then realized from the tension in her face that there had actually been a fight between the two of them. The conversations across the table had resumed and Xander moved his hand on top of hers trying to soothe her already overwrought nerves. He wrapped his fingers through hers and turned to face her.
"You feeling okay?" she asked him, unable to keep herself from worrying.
"Yeah," he answered surprised, "I'm fine." The telephone rang from the kitchen and Xander offered to get it. "I'll be right back," he told her as he freed his hand from hers and walked into the kitchen. He stopped short seeing Buffy standing in the corner of the kitchen wiping her face quickly. He grabbed the phone and answered it.
-------------
"Where's Faith?" Giles asked as everyone got ready to leave.
"Probably in our room," Xander answered, knowing she had snuck away about an hour before. He could tell with how she was acting that she had run out of patience for the whole situation and needed to be away from them.
"I'm just going to stop in and say goodbye," Giles said as everyone else helped Dawn and Buffy to the car. He walked over to the door and knocked.
"Come in," she answered reluctantly.
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked as he walked in. She was sitting on the bed with a cigarette looking miserable.
"I'm fine."
"Do you have the chills?" he asked, seeing that she was still wearing the sweatshirt.
"No," she answered defensively. She didn't want to admit it but since it was his sweatshirt it had his smell on it and it was more comforting to her than she thought something stupid like that would ever be.
"Listen, as soon as I heard about Xander I realized how hard this was going to be for you…"
"Would everyone stop thinking of me and think of him! He's the one that's sick."
"I understand that, Faith, but I was worried about you as well."
"Oh, you're going to make me blush," she retorted sarcastically. Xander walked into the room quietly and stood by the door wanting to remain relatively unnoticed.
"Faith, I picked these up for you," he answered. He walked towards the dresser-top where they seemed to toss everything and placed down a pill bottle.
"What? You dealing now… gotta say, now I've seen everything."
"It's an anti-depressant that I think you should take."
"What?" she snapped viciously. "I don't need fucking meds! I'm not fucking crazy, why the fuck do I need to be medicated?"
"Faith, it's just to help you through this and-"
"I don't need help! Why don't you spend your time finding meds for Xander if you're so concerned?"
"Faith, it's just an anti-depressant that I thought-"
"Do I look fucking depressed to you? I don't-"
"You do, actually," he answered firmly.
"…know who the fuck you think you are but-"
"Faith, I am simply trying to help."
"Yeah, by doping me up. Buffy told me about when you juiced her and-"
"That was different and has since been made up for… all this is going to take away from you is some of the tension and-"
"I like tension, in case you haven't noticed."
"I don't think you do." His tone was firm and it left her without a retort. "And I do think you're very depressed right now. I think you've been depressed for quite some time and it's an issue that hasn't been addressed and is one that will only worsen in the following week. For a girl that everyone described as 'personable' and 'ebullient' not too many years back, you've become completely unsocial and withdrawn."
"Side note to Giles," she answered condescendingly, "a lot's gone down in the past few years. Sorry if I'm not the happy go lucky type you've all come to expect in a Slayer but-"
"This has nothing to do with comparison Faith, the only thing I'm relating you to is yourself. Just look at yourself right now – you're very easily excited and from your past it's evident that you're very effected by death. I'm just trying to look out for you and-"
"Seems to me that you're just trying to watch out for yourself – ooo, everybody watch out, Faith's going to snap."
"You say that as though it hasn't happened before," he answered calmly.
"I don't need fucking brain candy, alright? I'm out of that phase, okay? I get my high other ways now…"
"Don't take this the wrong way, Faith, but you are crazy, and you need to be the first to acknowledge that, and I think you do. I think you realize your irrationalities and being as strong as you are, you're actually able to control it. I'm sorry if I offended you by bringing you those pills but… I'm not so sure you're going to be strong enough through this to hold yourself together. I want you to be able to ask for help where you need it."
"I don't need your fucking help. I have him… he's all I need," she admitted.
"You know what Faith, I think you're already falling apart… mentally and emotionally you're losing control."
"I am not losing control!"
"At the mention of anything, you get upset and-"
"Giles, I think that's enough," Xander warned softly, speaking up for the first time.
"… unpredictable. You're able to hold everything together just enough but you're dancing on that line."
"I'm fine!"
"If I were to add any other stressor to you I'm not so confident that you'd be fine."
"Giles, I'm fine," she answered after taking a deep breath to compose herself again seeing that Xander was ready to stand up for her.
"Would you still be fine if I mentioned your mother? I'm not so sure you would be."
"Get out," she answered sharply.
"Giles, come on," Xander added, seeing the look of near panic on her face at the mention of her mother. He had never talked to her about her mom but it became instantly apparent that it was a very sore area.
"Faith, I didn't say that to upset you, I just need you to realize that you're struggling right now and as long as you see that and don't pretend to be fine, then things will actually be alright…" he explained, never wanting it to have to be taken quite so far, but with Faith it always seemed to have to be an extreme. Xander walked over to her in the room and touched her arm,
"Faith…" She snapped away from his touch coldly and reached for her cigarettes. Her face was tight and angry. He walked back across the room with Giles and showed him out.
"Why the hell did you have to go and do that?" Xander asked as they walked through the hallway.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that's what was going to happen when I offered her those pills and I'm just concerned… I'm truly terrified for her. She's holding everything in, and-"
"She's different now, Giles. You think she's holding it all in but did you ever think that she's talking to me? She doesn't hold everything in around me – we talk and hell, she even cries! Why can't you let her be different? She's changed so much and you're still treating her like a killer."
"That's the type of attitude that's going to bring us to trouble – Xander there's a special place in my heart for her but she is a killer, that doesn't just disappear. I'm not saying that she's going to hurt anybody again, but what I am saying is that we need to be there for her and not deny what the real situation is like we did last time. Xander, you saw how she reacted when I mentioned her mother."
"If you knew she was going to react that way, why did you bring it up?"
"She needs to realize that she's got more open wounds than she can count…"
"Well, if she were still the old Faith you would've gotten your ass kicked, so there's my proof that she's different now." Giles nodded, and then waved goodbye at the sound of the cars horn beeping impatiently in the background.
------------
Xander quickly went back to the bedroom and saw her pacing in front of the window, flicking her cigarette out of it every time she past whether it needed it or not.
"I beat him up, don't worry," he joked as he walked over to her. She tossed her cigarette out of the window then turned to him. She pulled him closer to her by the bottom of his shirt and began kissing his neck, tracing around it with her passionate kisses.
"Hey," he whispered softly, "are you okay?" She kissed his earlobe then pulled it playfully between her teeth before kissing it again. "Are you?" he repeated, holding her waist firmly.
"I'm fine," she answered, quickly resuming what she was doing.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked softly.
"We can talk after," she answered, "I've been waiting all night for everyone to leave."
"Well, I think the two times we did it this afternoon can hold you for another sixty seconds…"
"Knowing you, we could be done by then." She pressed her lips to his neck again but he pulled his neck away,
"Hey!"
"If you don't want to just say so," she snapped, pulling away from him completely.
"Faith, I don't think you're fine… what he said really bothered you."
"Well, just leave it to a Watcher to really piss me off."
"What's the deal with you and your mom?"
"There is no deal," she snapped, "can we just get off the topic?"
"Were you two close? Were you guys like me and you?"
"I didn't fuck my mother."
"That's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I bet you would've dug it though."
"Faith, why the fuck do you have to act this way? Did she kick you out of the house or something? Did you two not get along at all? I'm just asking you these questions because I want to know, not because I want to hear how quick you can spit out nasty, sarcastic lines."
"Whatever."
"Oh, that's mature, Faith." She reached for her pack of cigarettes again but he quickly jumped in grabbing them away from her. "This is your third pack today, Faith, enough is enough!"
"Xander!" she screamed so loud that her voice cracked from the forced pitch. He opened his mouth to respond then his voice fell short leaving him standing there in silence. Everything going on had begun to build up inside of her again and her screaming so hysterically and forcefully made him remember that side of her again. It was a side of her that terrified him – as well as everyone else – and one that he had been glad to push to the back of his mind. But it was true, as much as she had changed, that was still a part of her and it was one that couldn't be ignored.
She saw his face and realized her explosive reaction; regret was an omnipresent emotion in her mind but at this point she just couldn't deal with all of it at once. She grabbed her cigarettes out of his hand hurriedly – which out of shock he automatically handed back to her – and practically ran out of the room.
"Is everything okay?" Willow asked, peeking her head cautiously through the open door. Xander shrugged, looking over at the two beautiful woman by his door. "We heard the yelling…"
"Yeah, Giles got her kind of worked up…"
"Where is she?" Kennedy asked. Xander pointed out towards the kitchen and with a nod she left the two in the bedroom.
-------
"Yo," Kennedy greeted, playfully kicking Faith in the butt as she walked up to stand next to her, "I thought we understood you're not allowed to be skinnier than me. When my ass is bigger than yours you know we have a problem." Faith turned towards her with a light glare. "You on a diet?"
"Yeah, it's called the stress and exhaustion diet," she answered. Kennedy leaned next to the window sill next to her waiting for her to continue since it was clear to her that she was milling over something in her head. Proving her right, moments later Faith spoke again, this time her tone softer but yet far more serious than she could remember her ever sounding… or maybe it wasn't serious it was just pensive. "Kennedy, I need you to promise me something."
"What?" she asked cautiously.
"If it comes down to it, I want you to put me out not Buffy."
"What the hell are you talking about? Why would it come down to that?"
"I'm just saying… you know what's happened and you know me now. Not to mention, you could probably take me. I just want to know that you'll do it and not feel bad about it." She almost had Kennedy convinced until those last two words where her 'so Faith' accent popped out and Kennedy immediately receded away from the idea.
"It's not going to happen, Faith. I mean… why you would…" Kennedy began stumbling over her words.
"Kenn, never mind…" she answered, seeing Kennedy was getting upset. She would never get like Buffy, she swore that to herself; she wasn't about to just vent and spread the way she felt by making those around her upset too.
--------
"…you've got yourself a high maintenance girl, Xander, I don't know what you want me to tell you."
"Just tell me I'm doing a good job with her… I just need to know that I'm not making her worse by the way I'm acting. I just want to make her happy and not make this worse for her than it already is."
"Xander," she answered with a proud smile, "you're doing great." He smiled gratefully and she continued, "seeing you two, as crazy as both of you have been lately, to me it just shows how much you both love each other."
"I'm crazy about her, Wil, I've always been. It was a little touch and go for a little while, you know when she tried to kill everybody, but even then, deep down, I understood. I always just wanted to walk up to her and grab her by the arms and shake her… I always knew that if I could just do that she'd snap out of it and… I just wasn't strong enough to do that before. It kind of helped that she got a little less intense too," he added with a smirk.
Kennedy walked back into their bedroom; Willow and Xander were both yawning upon her entry. She motioned her head towards the kitchen for Xander to go get Faith. He smiled appreciatively back at her and they all said goodnight. He walked out of the bedroom and out towards the kitchen. She was leaning reliantly on the wall as she stared out of the window. He walked up to her confidently and moving his baggy sweatshirt over his hands he rested them on her hips and held her back close to his chest. He held her softly as he breathed warmth by her ear.
After a few moments he was confident that she had either cooled down about the entire thing or that she was too tired to argue anymore… either way it made right now easier. He kissed her shoulder where the sweatshirt was hanging over it then kissed her neck and cheek.
"Let's go to sleep, okay?" he suggested softly. She nodded lazily and without hesitation he moved one hand up on her back and the other lower on her leg before picking her up into his arms. She was semi-surprised by the action, just because it was something that never lost it's pleasant element of surprise but she wasn't shocked because it was a habit he had become very proud of. She leaned her face on his shoulder willingly and placed a small kiss on his cheek as he walked back into the bedroom.
----------------
Day II
"You're home late," Willow yawned as Kennedy walked into their bedroom.
"Sorry," she mumbled.
"Everything go okay? Usually when you're alone you come home earlier…"
"Faith met up with me around one."
"She probably needed to burn off quite a bit of steam," Willow added, sitting up in the bed.
"Oh yeah."
"So she beat some vamps to pulp?"
"No…" Kennedy answered, "we couldn't find any… but she beat the piss out of a wall and some trashcans."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yeah," Kennedy emphasized, "apparently they didn't have so much fun when they went out last night." Willow nodded, unsure of how they could've made the night enjoyable.
-------------
Faith walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom quietly. Xander was awake and he expected her to at least acknowledge him. She walked across the room in front of the bed and over to the closet. She pulled out a loose t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts. She changed with her back turned to him, which gave him enough of a hint that she definitely wasn't happy with him. With a groan he got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He didn't think kissing her with morning breath was going to be the best way to put her in a better mood.
He grabbed his toothbrush and as he turned on the water in the sink he glanced down at it and was immediately woken up when he saw the speckles of diluted blood along the sink. He looked around the bathroom quickly and he saw one or two stray drops on the floor but then tossed nonchalantly into the corner with a few other dirty clothes there was a towel with blood on it. He tossed his toothbrush back down and walked out of the bathroom,
"Pretty nasty vamps last night, huh?"
"No."
"You're pretty torn up," he added, pointing towards her hands with his gaze.
"Yeah," she said pulling her hands behind her back in as subtle as a way as possible.
"So you were really having down and dirty sex with some guy you met up with," he joked.
"Would've rather been having down and dirty sex with you but it wasn't in the cards last night," she muttered. She looked up at him and saw that he was trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say so she cut him off quickly, "I'm going to go work out."
"You just got home," he answered quickly, knowing it was as far as he could go with a comment about her not being home all night. "And… you're not going to go to work?"
"You are?" she asked angrily.
"Yeah, Faith, I'm not just going to sit at home and cry for a week!"
"I was thinking more along the lines of sitting at home with me," she answered angrily.
"Faith…"
"Hey, don't listen to me," she answered holding her hands up in exasperation, "you're talking to the chick who dropped out of school because I thought life was too short, and hell, it's not like I even had a seven day limit…" Her tone was at the opposite spectrum of where it laid the night before – she was defensive and indifferent, not to mention a little crabby.
"I'm just going in to give all the guys a heads up…"
"Watch Larry be pissed off because you're not giving them a two week notice," she answered sardonically. Xander couldn't help but smirk.
"So you're not going in?"
"Drop out because life's too short… you do the math," she snapped, "cause apparently I never learned how." She turned towards the door and he added,
"Buffy's coming by a little later."
"Maybe I should rethink that work plan," she commented sarcastically.
"Faith…" he said slightly disappointed that the two of them didn't get along better.
"What?" she snapped.
"I'll be home in a little while."
"Have fun," she answered as she walked out of the room.
---------------
Kennedy answered the door for Buffy, surprised to see the look on her face. It looked like she probably had gotten about as much sleep as everyone else – zero. Kennedy was on her way out to meet up with Giles at headquarters so she told Buffy that Xander still wasn't back and that Faith was in the workout room. Buffy thanked her then closed the door behind her. She poured a glass of water in the kitchen giving herself a minute to compose herself before going in to see Faith.
She walked into the small workout room and saw Faith punching and kicking the suspended punching bag viciously. In only took Faith about five seconds to realize Buffy was there and she slowly decelerated her punches until she was slow enough to grab the bag to regain her balance.
"Since when did you become a wimp?" Buffy asked playfully.
"What?" Faith snapped ferociously. She immediately thought Buffy was making a jab at her for being upset about Xander. Buffy was taken aback for a few seconds, not expecting her to react the way she did.
"You've got your hands wrapped up," she answered calmly, offering forth a smile. "You used to make fun of me for wrapping mine." Without a word, or worse yet, a softening of her expression, Faith began to unwrap her hands angrily tossing the wrappings onto the ground by Buffy's feet.
"I fucked 'em up bad last night," she said rubbing her knuckles carefully.
"Yeah," Buffy answered seeing the deep scrapes and cuts on her hands. "Well, I'm glad to see you're not into hurting yourself with this whole Xander thing," she added sarcastically. "It's good that you wrapped them," she added, this time without sarcasm but more with concern, "you'd really be in pain if you were punching without them wrapped…" she babbled.
"I would but Xander doesn't like them all fucked up like that," Faith answered flatly. Buffy nodded, trying to role with the punches. She would've been stupid to not expect this kind of attitude from Faith – it was all she had thought of the whole way over here.
"I came to see Xander but I came to see you too… Wil said you were pretty upset."
"No, I'm fucking happy," she answered sarcastically before a look of disgust. Buffy was going to have to try much harder than that to get in.
"Faith, I-"
"Please, for the love of God, B, spare me the Buffy wisdom." She stopped Buffy in her tracks and her train of thought was also lost.
"You still deal with things just like you used to…"
"That's me, good ol' predictable Faith," she answered sarcastically.
"Faith-"
"You know, B, you don't have to sit in here and have me rip you apart and frankly just piss me off, you're welcome to sit in the living room till Xander gets home."
"Okay… I just wanted to make sure you're okay."
"I'm not the one dropping dead – I'm five by five."
"It probably feels that way though…"
"It's a familiar feeling," she answered nonchalantly.
"Faith, you know you can't just deal with it this way, right?"
"So really you just came in here to piss me off and try and tell me how I should deal with the fact that Xander's dying?"
"It's really hard, Faith, and-"
"You have no idea, so don't even front like you do."
"Faith, I do have an idea!" Buffy yelled, finally losing patience. Her tone was immediately filled with tears, even before her face was. Her expression was filled with tension and that sense of desperation as if she needed to win belief out of whom ever she was talking to. "And you know what, maybe you've got it easier than the rest of us. You may be sleeping with him but you haven't known him as long as us and-"
"It's your fucking fault he's dying!" she screamed angrily, "and you've done nothing but take things I care about away from me, so why don't you go into the living room and wait for him to get home," she suggested strongly.
"I've taken away from you!?" Buffy yelled angrily. Xander had just gotten home and hearing the yelling he ran over to the room.
"Hey!" he called, jumping into the room mixing his tone with part mediation but part greeting so that they didn't think he was just making the assumption they were fighting. He was thankful seeing Buffy on her way to getting really angry but even though Faith already looked like she was there, she was holding herself a few paces apart from her. He knew both Slayer's better than either of them realized and just walking in and seeing the posture and stances of both of them, he could tell what had gone on and where it would have gone had he not intervened.
--------------
Xander walked into the bedroom as soon as Buffy had gone. He hated seeing the people around him so broken and weak… some people had heroes on television that they admire and love watching them be strong for that hour time slot. His heroes lived with and around him and he got to watch them be strong twenty-four seven. But that meant that he also had to watch them – on that rare occasion – be not so strong, and it made him feel a crumbling feeling inside, which he hated. His idols, the people he admired, were the people he saw everyday saving lives at the risk of their own.
Faith was sitting on the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them watching the T.V. She had partially excused herself from the living room when Xander was going to talk to Buffy, but she had also been somewhat told, which was the part that she chose to ignore. He couldn't help but liken her to a child who had been sent to their room as she sat on the bed with a bitter expression. She knew it was for the best for her to not be around but she also didn't like being told the things she already knew.
"Hey," he said softly as he closed the door behind him. She turned her attention away from the television and looked over at him. "Feeling a little bit better?" he asked caringly. She pulled her hands slowly down and under her seat hoping to shield them from his view without him noticing. Her attempt was naturally unsuccessful and he walked over to the bed and sat next to her. He slid his hand under butt and hand and slid it out gently. The cuts had mostly closed but there was still slight opening and scrapes along the skin where they were. He analyzed her hand for another moment before she pulled it away and replaced under her,
"Sorry," she muttered apologetically. She knew how much he hated when she hurt herself in a fight but worse yet when she did so just take out her emotions physically which unfortunately happened fairly often. He knew it was her way of dealing with things but just because he understood it didn't mean he liked it. He leaned towards her and kissed her lovingly on the side of her forehead and wrapped his arms around her back and legs, which were still held tightly together.
"I love you," she told him as she leaned on his chest lovingly.
"Is it just me or have you been telling me that a lot lately?" he asked with a smile. She nudge him playfully with her elbow and he added, "you know, I should have tried this dying thing eighteen months ago when I was trying to get you."
"It's not like you tried very hard…"
"Hey," he defended with a laugh, "you're pretty difficult when you're smashed," he recalled.
"Whatever," she teased.
"Let's see… how exactly did that night go?"
"I can tell you up until about the first hour and then the next morning, the middle, unimportant details I've kind of forgotten about," she joked.
"Right, those unimportant details of me picking you up off of the barstool and carrying you home."
"I remember you dropping me," she interpolated quickly.
"You were flopping around like a fish in a tank of beer!"
"They don't really flop," she added guiltily, remembering the time she had done that.
"Well, I picked you up off the floor pretty darn quick."
"That floor was sticky," she commented, like most bars were.
"And I got you off of it right away," he answered proudly. "Then I somehow managed to get your rowdy self back home… even if it did take me over an hour." He remembered that long walk home. The headquarter location at the time, where she had still been staying with Giles and a couple of the other girls, was only about seven blocks away but between her weaving and carrying on, it had taken far longer than expected. He had tried the entire time to convince her to just be carried but that led to several arguments and anecdotal tales from the both of them. Finally, when they had gotten within a block of the house she was too consumed with how sick she was beginning to feel and he was able to pick her up and carry her the rest of the way.
"You know you're the first guy who's ever taken me home and not expected anything… I mean, you didn't even try," she added, "how the hell can you resist me?"
"I know, I'm extraordinary but I've got to admit, the constant vomiting helped a little."
"Just a little bit," she teased. He smiled and she added reminiscently, "You want to know what I remember the most, though?"
"What?"
"I remember how you helped me walk from the bathroom to my bed and then went and grabbed a cold towel… I held it for you when you put my hair back and then you took it and wiped my face with it to help me feel better. But you know what I really remember? I remember looking up at you and hoping you'd never leave." She paused, realizing where her story had brought her against her intent. She felt a wave of despondency run through her as she realized she was going to lose him – too soon.
He saw the happiness melt from her face and he stroked her cheek gently.
"Do you remember what happened after that?" he asked with a soft smile.
"You tried to go sit in a chair and I told you to lie down with me but you didn't want to. You said you were fine on the chair…"
"Then you tried to convince me you weren't drunk anymore," he laughed, "meanwhile you smelled more of liquor than the entire bar. But then you told me that you didn't want anything except for me to lie with you… so I did."
"Been stuck on you ever since," she teased. He kissed the side of her forehead again and she added, "Xander, I love you… I always will."
"I love you too," he answered but he was worried about the second half of her phrase. "Faith, you're twenty-two… I want you to be with someone else."
"What?" she asked, pulling away from his hold quickly.
"That came out wrong," he admitted. "I just don't want you do be alone and-"
"I told you – I don't want to be with anybody else. You don't want that anymore?"
"Faith, I just… now I don't because I know I'm not going to be there to make you happy anymore. I can't be."
"Well…" she answered angrily but in an anxious and unsure way, "I still don't need anybody else, I don't want to be with anybody else… I don't need to be… I'm yours," she explained.
"You're twenty-two years old!" he emphasized.
"In Slayer years that's like… that's like what, eighty or something," she defended. He could tell by her tone that she was quickly reaching the point in the conversation where she wasn't going to be able to stay together about the whole thing.
"Listen, I'm-"
"Whatever," she said cutting him off, "I'm going to go work out again," she added getting up off of the bed.
"This whole thing gets to you – I know… but… going and beating up a bean bag isn't going to make it better…"
"And walking around acting like nothing isn't going to just make it disappear!"
"Faith-"
"You deal with this your way and I'm going to deal with this mine… obviously dealing with it together isn't in your deck so I guess I can just take it out of mine."
"You're not dealing with it! You beat up things and then – like last night – you just want to have a random roll in the sheets, and I know you're only doing that because you want to forget about everything. You do that because you want to just forget what's going on and… and, I don't know why you do it!"
"Listen, why don't you save your psychoanalyst voice for when you're getting paid two-fifty an hour," she mocked, "and right now I'm broke, as you know, and hey, I probably lost my job today too, wanting to spend the time I had left with you! And as far as the random screw you're so convinced I need, why don't I just give Larry up a call? Maybe I'll save my job after all."
"You know, could you not give me the image of you fucking Larry, please?"
"Did it ever occur to you that the random fuck you're talking about from last night was me wanting to be with you? Did you ever think that I just wanted to be close to you? It's been a year and a half and you're going to call me a slut for wanting to be with you?"
"Did it ever occur to you that I'm the one dying here, Faith?"
The room fell completely silent – Faith was shocked by the reprimand she had received and Xander immediately regretted saying it. They both stood there without moving for several long moments in silence. Faith finally made the first move and walked over to the closet and grabbed a zip up sweatshirt.
"Where are you going?" She shrugged,
"I don't know."
----------------
"So how are they?" Giles asked Buffy solemnly. "I've seen both Willow and Kennedy this afternoon but I've yet to see Xander… or Faith for that matter," he added realizing how huge the impact was going to be on the both of them.
"Xander's actually doing okay," she answered. She looked as though she had been crying, but unlike Faith she seemed to have been able to let out all of her tears and was now capable of handling the situation. "He's pretty solid with the whole thing… but then again, Xander always seems to be pretty solid no matter what we throw at him." Giles nodded,
"And Faith?"
"Well, let's see… if Xander's a solid than Faith's a gas… an unstable gas!" With a glare from Giles she admitted, "so we got in a little fight while I was over there… simply put and void of most insults, she's bugging."
"I'm sure," Giles answered pensively. He had been so preoccupied with Xander he hadn't even thought into how Faith would be taking the whole thing, but now that he did he was becoming increasingly concerned. To his knowledge, the last person Faith had lost of such important magnitude was the Mayor and after that she was extremely violent towards Buffy and then she had moved on to Los Angeles and caused extensive damage, including the torture of Wesley, then she had become suicidal, begging Angel to take her life. If he dared to say also, he felt that her connection with Xander was not only a healthier one but a stronger one as well.
He knew she had come a long way since Mayor Wilkin's and he knew her reaction wouldn't be directed nearly in the same way as it was for him but the magnitude behind her actual reaction, whatever the form, would inevitably be the same. Needless to say, he was concerned.
"So really, how is she?" Giles asked again.
"Well, I went in to see her and she was beating the crap out of a punching bag and then she unwrapped her hands and they might as well have been put through a shredder with the cuts on them… so basically it was the typical, mature, Faith-ness. She's upset so she acts angry and violent, she's sad so she acts angry and violent, she's hurt so she acts angry and violent… need I go on?"
"You realize how dangerous it could end up being if she remains so closed and in denial, don't you, Buffy?"
"Listen, I was good – she was being Faith and all in my face and attitude-ish and I held it together pretty well… but you know if anyone can make me mad it's her, and so she did and then it all kind of went down hill from there. Did you know that she's blaming this on me?"
"Yes, quite," he answered as though he had already assumed so.
"What? You think so too?" she asked defensively.
"No, of course not, but I had assumed she might blame you. Buffy, I know this is going to be very hard on everyone involved, but I need you to understand something. As difficult as she may be in the next weeks, it's all because of what she's been through and how much this loss is going to mean to her. I mean, none of us even know how deep that's going to run – when someone loses someone close to them they not only grieve for that person but they grieve for everyone they've already lost. She's going to be thinking of Mayor Wilkins, her mother, her first Watcher, I mean, who knows how many important people she's lost…
"But one thing is important for you to understand. You need to be there for her, Buffy. You two may both hate and despise it, but it's a fact that both of you need each other and as you said, no one can make you as angry as Faith can but I've got to tell you, no one can make you as happy as she can either! You forget, I was around when the two of you were at your closest and the chemistry between you was amazing – use that to both of your advantages and help her through this… she's tried so hard to win back your approval over the past years. Buffy, take this time to accept it and help her through this."
-----------------
Xander had stayed standing where she left him as she walked out but after a couple minutes of being left in deep thought he charged himself forward and ran from the bedroom and out towards her car on the street in front of the house. He was pleasantly surprised that he hadn't missed her. To his advantage she was serious when she told him she didn't know where she was going and presently she was trying to decide. He jogged over to the driver's door and she glanced over at him – trying to mask any emotions towards him that she had. He took the look as admission and opened the door and squatted down next to the car so they were about at the same height.
"What do you want?" she asked curtly.
"Listen," he said taking one of her hands off of the wheel and putting in his. "I know that… well, physically is a way that you're comfortable both showing and being shown… affection. And I have no excuse," he admitted with a shrug, "I've known you long enough to know that right about now you probably feel like I don't care about you since I haven't been with you in a while… but, Faith, you have to know how much I really love you. I know I'm trying not to show it but… this whole thing is really hard for me."
He watched her face immediately soften sympathetically. She was surprised that he had been able to figure out how emotionally important it was for her to have their relationship be on some physical plane. He understood that it was really the only time she openly showed how much she loved him and she really accepted it as a way for him to show her the way he felt. The fact that they exchanged, 'I love you' s regularly now had to be some sort of monumental height.
Sex had always been important to their relationship. As soon as they were really thinking of themselves as a couple, or at least a 'thing' – as Faith put it – it was easy for Xander to realize how important the sex was. If for some reason they missed two days in a row in the beginning, it was immediately obvious how put off she was and how insecure she immediately became. It came too with it's own setbacks; he thought himself fairly aware of Faith's past after being with her his first time and having such a clear awakening to the 'importance' she held it with. But he had realized – as he shared with Willow – how much it had actually fucked with her.
There were certain things that would just set her off, or really more shut her down. He tried to be really romantic one night, which had already made her uncomfortable, and then when he was making love to her he kept everything really slow and purposeful, looking into her eyes the whole time and kissing her gently. Well, that night's romanticism had gotten shot to hell when she struggled to tell him to get off of her then she got up and got dressed and when he had gone to try and see what was wrong he was concerned with how violently she was shaking.
Still squatting next to the drivers door he stood up half way and kissed her, still holding her hand lovingly. He reached his other hand over to the ignition and turned the car off and took out the key. He kissed her again unbuckled her seat belt, which he was shocked she was actually wearing.
"Come on," he urged. She got out of the car and stood looking at him as he closed the car door and turned back to her. He grinned at her as she glanced down at the ground shyly – for someone who was such an exhibitionist she was certainly not comfortable with PDA's. He kissed the corner of her mouth so he could feel the sides raise as she smiled. He walked behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist and continued to kiss her neck and cheek as she walked into the house. She turned and locked the apartment door behind them and when she turned back around to face him he grabbed her waist and picked her up.
She kissed him passionately as they stumbled towards their bedroom. She had his shirt unbuttoned and him sufficiently tangled in it as they were through their door. She couldn't help but laugh at him as he struggled to free himself.
"You stuck?" she teased. He stopped trying to free himself, completely distracted by her. She flashed him a devilish grin then slowly began to unbutton her shirt. "That's too bad," she teased further as she dropped her shirt to the ground. She looked over at him slowly, distracting his eyes from her body and onto her face until he heard the faint dropping noise of her shorts unto the floor. He couldn't help but stare at her standing there in a matching set of red underwear. She touched his lips so lightly if he wasn't staring at her he wouldn't be sure if she kissed him or if a hot breeze had just run over his lips.
He had managed to free himself several moments earlier but had been far too distracted to even tell his brain to drop the shirt to the ground. He had been with her for a year and a half and she seemed more gorgeous every time he looked at her. He had been with pretty woman before – hell, he'd been with gorgeous woman – but none of them held the sexiness that she did. Everything about her was sexy; there wasn't a moment in any day when someone couldn't recognize that. He had been in a meeting with Buffy and Faith a while back when he realized that that was what separated the two of them, at least for him. He found them both incredibly attractive, but to him, the elusive sensuality that Faith had was what brought her out so far above Buffy.
"You're so beautiful," he mumbled. He dropped his shirt to the ground them held her hips in his hands. She pressed her body against his bare chest and kissed his lips,
"I love you," she whispered to him. Her tone upset him though – it was clear that she had just reminded herself that she was going to lose him. It was so hard for her to not run away from the way she felt about him and shut her feelings out when she knew she was losing him, but what they had seemed to go beyond what she could deny anymore. It was a subtle sign in her voice but it hurt him. He touched her cheek with his hand and kissed her again.
"I love you too."
-----------------
Larry did his usual rounds on the construction site to make sure everyone wasn't just sitting around eating lunch when they should be working double time to make up for their lack of it on this new project. They had promised to have the job finished on a date that even in the best conditions would be hard to meet. He walked down a small dirt mound and was greeted by several workers sitting down in a circular pattern just talking when they should've been working.
"What the hell is going on?" he growled. They all jumped to their feet like children caught playing with matches.
"Mr. Owens, how are you?" Jimmy asked quickly.
"I'm shitty, actually," he snapped, "and you want to know why? Because I have a useless crew of workers who don't do shit!"
"Sir, we couldn't-" one worker began before the one next to him jabbed him in the side sharply. He immediately shut his mouth but not before Larry's suspicions were heightened.
"What were you going to say?"
"Me, Sir?"
"Yes, you, what were you saying? Charlie, leave him alone, I want to know what he was going to say." Charlie stepped aside and Larry stepped up to him with an offensive stance. The young worker gave a guilty and apologetic glance at Charlie then answered,
"Sir, I was just saying that we don't have anything we can do."
"And why is that?" Larry asked, picking up his usual patronizing tone.
"Well, sir," he hesitated, "because… well, the way the shift works is that the station before us preps the area and then we build and modify on it."
"And why isn't the shift working then?"
"The station…" he covered, "isn't here." Larry turned angrily towards Charlie,
"Who's station is it?"
"Faith's, Sir," he answered begrudgingly.
"Faith didn't show up?" The downward glances of the entire ground answered his question. "She's finished!" he stated angrily.
"You can't do that," Charlie answered jumping to her defense.
"And why not?"
"Because of what's going on with Xan- Mr. Harris, of course she didn't come in."
"Unless he's dropping dead I don't care what the situation is…"
"He is, Sir," Charlie answered angrily.
"What?" Larry asked in shock, then regaining himself shot, "well, I don't care. She should've called in – there's no special treatment for the workers fucking administration!"
----------------------
He held her close to him – her body still trembling slightly – and he stroked her arm affectionately. Looking deeply into her face, searching for some sort of admission or weakness, he saw her biting anxiously at her lower lip. It was a normal gesture for her, she did it often, but it caught his attention. He kissed her lips, trying to distract her from the nervous habit, but she quickly resumed afterward.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," she answered unconvincingly. He continued stroking her shoulder and arm, tracing the lines of her tattoo with care. Finally she added, "so many things could be different."
"You can't think that way… besides, if things were different we might not be together." She thought that over for a second then answered,
"I could just be keeping you from being happier with someone else… maybe it's bad that things worked out this way… I mean, yeah it's great for me, but you're probably missing out and-"
"Is everything okay? Was that just like terrible sex for you or something, because usually you're after-sex happy doesn't wear off for at least an hour… I mean, I was trying – what didn't you like?" he snapped.
"Stop it…" she reprimanded.
"What? I'm just asking what I did wrong, I'm not doubting our entire relationship and wishing it never happened," he answered sardonically.
"I didn't say that!"
"Generally that's not one of those things you have to say outright but actually you went ahead and said it exactly." He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ready to get up but he felt her hand quickly grip his arm,
"Don't… I'm sorry… I just…" He glanced over his shoulder back at her not just surprised by her action but really by her tone. She looked submissively up at him then kissed his arm where she had grabbed him to stay.
"Don't do that," he answered angrily. She backed off immediately knowing exactly what he was talking about – he hated when she slipped into that forced, submissive role that so many men had taught her to do when she needed something. It so wasn't what she was about or how she was, which was why it made him so angry. He hated that someone so strong felt that they needed to slip into that in order to convey their feelings. He knew it was a sign of insecurity and desperation on her part but he hated it; he hated that there were still times when she felt insecure and desperate around him.
She pulled the sheet around her upper body and sat up in the bed on the other side from where his legs were still hanging off. He looked over at her and could see her mind working painfully over everything flying through it. He stood, grabbing a pair of boxers off of the ground and sliding them on. He heard her move so he turned to face her and saw that she had only pulled her knees up to her chest under the sheet and was now hugging her legs tightly. It amazed him that she could make such a picture of innocence in its epitome. He found himself staring, almost in amazement at her, as though she were actually a picture, until he saw her features change almost in an instant. He walked over to her side of the bed quickly and sat by her feet,
"Baby, what's wrong?" He saw it in her face how she went from just thinking to looking like she had lost everything.
"I wish I didn't love you," she answered firmly. He was taken aback for a moment but then as she continued he understood what she meant. "I wish we weren't together. I wish I didn't care about you. I wish I hated you like everyone else. I wish you never made love to me. I wish you never kissed me. I wish everything was just different! I wish you weren't fucking sick! And I wish you weren't leaving me and I wish it didn't hurt this way… I wish I didn't care."
He sat next to her on the bed and pulled her into his lap holding her tightly. She wasn't crying – he guessed because her eyes were so unused to crying that they were completely stocked out of tears – but she had her jaw tightly clenched and her arms still tightly bound around her legs. He held her tightly against him with one hand on her face holding it against his.
"I wish this didn't hurt you so much," he answered kissing her forehead as he rocked her slowly back and forth to soothe her.
-----------------
"Hey!" Willow greeted with a forced smile. She was glad they were there but needless to say, the situation didn't seem really worth smiling about. The gang had decided to all meet up for dinner at the apartment and put in some quality together time – since they all realized just how soon there wasn't going to be everyone to be together with anymore.
"Hello," Giles answered as he walked in the door followed by Buffy and Dawn. He handed Willow a covered dish,
"What's this for?"
"We figured it's bad enough we're invading your place so we brought some grub," Buffy answered with a smile.
"Who cooked it?" Kennedy asked playfully.
"Me and Giles," Dawn answered, "Buffy wasn't anywhere near the kitchen."
"Oh good," Kennedy answered.
"Very funny," Buffy answered. She turned to Willow and Giles and saw that they too were relieved as they gave her playful glances.
"Hey guys!" Xander greeted happily from the kitchen. He seemed to be in brighter spirits than anyone else, which put smiles on everyone else's faces right away. It reminded them all very quickly that Xander had always had that role and it was nice to see that he was holding on to it.
They all greeted him in kind and in a blink everyone was weaving in and out of the kitchen and dining room.
"Do you need anything else?" Kennedy asked Xander when everyone but her was occupied with a job of their own.
"Everything's pretty much set… do you think you could go grab Faith? She should really spend some time with everyone… being happy." Kennedy nodded understandingly then walked out of the kitchen and over to their bedroom. She knocked and asked,
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah." She walked in, closing the door partially behind her. Faith was standing by the window smoking a cigarette. "I'll be out in a minute," she stated holding up the last half of the cigarette as a means of telling time.
"Okay," Kennedy answered, acknowledging that she had said that so she'd just leave, so she walked in further and plopped down confidently on the bed bouncing up and down a few times before settling down quietly on it. "Got good bounce," she commented with a smirk. She expected to at least get a smile out of that one but Faith just exhaled a long stream of smoke out of the window and quickly filled her lungs up with it again.
"I'll be out in a minute," she repeated, attempting again to rid herself of the unwanted company.
"Good… everyone's here," she answered remaining seated on the bed trying to maintain her overwhelmingly positive attitude. She looked over at Faith, someone who no matter what the situation, she found something about her worth idolization, but tonight she just looked… not right. There was one thing Kennedy thought of Faith the first time she'd ever met her – the only person that could kick that girls ass was herself. And it seemed like that had always held true and tonight it looked like she had given herself a royal ass kicking.
"You look… you're eyes look," Kennedy began, feeling uncomfortable with the prolonged silence. Then she realized midway through her sentence that her eyes looked puffy because she had been crying. "You look tired," she stated, trying to conceal what she had discovered, even if it wasn't a difficult discovery. She was shocked by the reaction she got. Faith slammed her hand holding the cigarette into the window sill,
"Whatever," she yelled throwing the cigarette out of the window. She walked past the bed and over to the bathroom and turned the water on in the sink. Kennedy got off of the bed and walked over to the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe looking in at Faith.
"Hey, you look fine… since when did you become so concerned with what you look like?"
"Kennedy! I just…" she stopped herself from going off and took a breath, "Ken, just go and… I'll be out in a minute."
"You've said that three times in the last five so…"
"What the hell do you want from me?"
"I kind of just want you to come out and say hi to everyone." Faith took a deep breath trying to ease her frustration. She cupped her hands under the water then splashed it over her face. She wiped her face with a towel then walked back into the room and grabbed one of Xander's sweatshirts off of the bed. She put it on and it was almost longer than the blue and green plaid boxer shorts she was wearing. She lit another cigarette then walked out of the room.
She had hoped to be able to find a quiet place to sit down without having to talk to anyone for a few minutes but as soon as she exited the bedroom she was within two strides of Giles who had just headed towards the bedroom to come see her. He had been extremely concerned with her wellbeing and the fact that she had been absent thus far only encouraged his fear.
"Faith, hello."
"Hey, G-man," she greeted, forcing a smile she always found for him. She ran her left hand through her hair, pulling it away from her face and out from under the sweatshirt. "How's it hanging?"
"Well," he answered, trying to balance his cool factor with his English-ness. He had to admit his fears certainly weren't eased by seeing her. Honestly, she looked absolutely terrible. Her face was ghost pale and her eyes had heavy bags underneath them and they were puffy. Her hair wasn't done in any sense of the word – it was a curly mess that luckily for her still seemed to fall into the right place. She was wearing a pair of pajama shorts that were very short, he couldn't help but notice – only making it easier to see that she had lost even more weight and muscle - and a huge sweatshirt that would cover the shorts if she didn't have it slung up on one side over her hip. The messy look mightn't have worried him except that it certainly wasn't cold enough for anything other than a tee-shirt outside, and inside it was even warmer. Her clothes and her face made it clear to him that she was suffering physically, and for a Slayer, that was a hard thing to do.
"How are you?" he forced himself to ask even after he had already decided on his own answer.
"You know me," she answered with a shrug. She motioned to walk away and he quickly asked,
"Are you smoking more?"
"What?"
"I haven't seen you smoke in a while… are you smoking more?" he asked. She knew – since he voiced it quite often – that he hated that she smoked.
"I don't know," she answered with a shrug.
"Faith, do-"
"Giles, I'm fine," she snapped. "Excuse me," she muttered, walking past him. Kennedy was still standing by the bedroom door and she held her hands up, gesturing that she understood how he felt speaking to the brick wall with an attitude. Giles would've stayed with Kennedy to 'compare notes' but he didn't want to miss a stride so he struck off in the same direction as she had. She walked towards the kitchen then immediately stepped to the side to stay out of everyone's way who were carrying plates of food to the dining room.
The kitchen was soon vacant except for her and Xander and she walked over to him by the stove and placed her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his shoulder until he was finished with what he was doing then, turning off the stove, he turned to her and kissed her dropping his hands down to her hips. He held her close to him for several long moments while he looked down at her then he kissed her softly again.
"You feeling okay?" she asked, leaning her head on his shoulder again.
"I'm good," he answered, kissing her forehead.
"Xander, do you need me to-" Buffy asked as she walked through the door. She stopped short, unsure really why, but she felt like she had walked in on something when they were really just standing next to each other with his arm around her. She didn't care if it had been almost two years – she didn't think she'd ever get used to seeing the two of them so intimate, especially after knowing Faith's 'policy' on getting intimate. Xander wanted to laugh at her silliness but he couldn't when he felt Faith react the same way. He held on to her, refusing to listen to her silent protest, and answered Buffy as though everything was normal,
"I can get the rest, thanks, Buff."
"Okay…" she answered, hastily exiting the kitchen, even after she realized how silly she was being.
"Why do you do that?" he asked giving her a small squeeze around her waist with his arm.
"Do what?" she asked glancing up at him.
"I don't know… you just act like being with me is a crime."
"It's just a reflex," she muttered, trying to mask her embarrassment.
"And I was under the impression that you were a swank," he joked.
"I like to play," she agreed, "but… I don't know… she can make me feel guilty for drinking a glass of water."
"She shouldn't… she's not exactly preaching from a clean platform anymore either."
"I know… she's still better than me though."
"Depends what you're looking for," he joked, squeezing her again.
Everyone found their seats at the table excited to finally be eating. It had been a long and stressful day for everyone there and it was nice to finally be able to sit down. The only two missing from the table were Xander and Faith; everyone was talking amongst themselves until the two of them walked in from the kitchen. The talking ceased as everyone absorbed the image into their minds of the two of them standing side by side so simply and close. Some were quiet out of happiness and a slight amazement at how whole the picture of the two of them was while others were quiet out of shock and somewhat disapproval.
"Thank God, I'm starved!" Kennedy finally said, once again uncomfortable with the silence in the room. Giles was at the head of the table with Xander at this left, followed by Faith, then Kennedy and Willow who shared the other end of the table across from Giles, with Buffy and Dawn finishing.
"So how's everything at your new job?" Dawn asked Faith excitedly. She opened her mouth to answer but then no words came out as she realized she was probably without that new job at this point. She mustered up a shrug and a smile and Dawn pressed, "What do you mean?"
"I don't know if I still have the job," she finally answered.
"Larry fired you for not coming in?" Xander asked turning to her.
"Probably."
"What do you mean, probably. What did he say?" he waited a moment and seeing the only answer he was going to get was the blank expression with raised eyebrows he sighed, "you didn't even call in, did you?"
"No," she answered nonchalantly. He sighed again, this time with more frustration.
"So how have you been feeling?" Giles asked.
"Me?" Xander asked, as though there were anyone else at a health risk at the table. "I've felt better… but you know, it could be worse." His tone surprised Faith with it's seriousness in which he answered the question. Whenever she had asked she had received a small squeeze or smile followed by a reassuring 'fine'.
"I did a little research on the topic… you've been experiencing headaches am I right?"
"Yeah."
"They've yet to escalate, correct?"
"Yeah, they're not… they're still okay on… on minimal…" he began to hesitate with the conversation knowing emotions would soon be aroused over the subject. The headaches were bound to worsen increasingly as the days went on but luckily they hadn't gotten out of control as of yet. He was still only on minimal medication for the pain but the doctor had prepared him and given him more than enough medication for when they became unbearable and he needed to basically just take them every hour.
Buffy got up from the table going into the kitchen for a drink. She didn't want to think of Xander being in pain, especially from an intangible foe whom she couldn't rid him of. Giles saw her get up and decided to shift the conversation where he could.
"Robin told us to be sure to say hello for him. He's sorry he had to miss dinner but he was… preoccupied," Giles added, realizing perhaps his shift in conversation wasn't for the best. Things between Robin and Xander had been fairly sticky over Faith. It wasn't something that Giles really thought about which was why he didn't realize it would be a bad thing to bring up but when the tension rose slightly in the room – mostly from others anticipating there being tension from Faith and Xander – he was reminded.
"Do you want something to drink?" Faith asked Xander.
"No thanks," he answered with a small smile.
"Okay," she answered as she stood and walked towards the kitchen.
The tension between Xander and Wood was unexpected. Both seemed to be very amiable gentlemen but both were very stubborn at the same time. Wood felt he had a claim to Faith, or at least at trying to get Faith in a permanent sort of way. He continued with his efforts even as Faith and Xander were obviously becoming an item. It was understandable from both sides – Xander was pissed because he was with Faith and there was another guy trying to get her for himself but as can be imagined, Faith and Xander weren't ones to publicize themselves as a couple past the time when it was obvious to everyone. Still to this day they didn't introduce themselves as such or even act very much like it around others.
Faith walked into the kitchen then realized her error when she saw Buffy. She grabbed at a box of cigarettes on the nearby counter and quickly lit a stoke. Buffy turned to her, hearing the clicking of the lighter.
"Do you guys have diet soda?" Faith shrugged,
"Maybe in the back." She nodded then began her search,
"Do you want anything?"
"Yeah, pass me a beer."
"Light?" she asked holding up a Coors Light.
"Fuck no," Faith answered quickly. Buffy smiled and replaced it quickly with a Corona. Buffy handed it to her and got a nod of thanks.
"You're handling this whole thing really well…" Buffy began quietly, needing something to fill the stagnant silence between them. Faith continued smoking her cigarette without the slightest acknowledgement. "I mean… I think I would've started freaking out or something," she continued, wanting desperately to sound understanding and caring.
"Yeah, I think you freaking out last time resulted in a dagger through my gut," she answered nonchalantly.
"You deserved it!" she spat angrily. Really she had an overwhelming guilt surrounding the entire situation – she knew it's what had to be done in that moment but whether she would admit it aloud or not, she loved Faith and stabbing her was like stabbing herself. A part of her, a part she would never admit she had, understood Faith and why she did things – it was the part of Faith that made her such a good Slayer and everyone knew it. It was the part of Buffy that she held back that kept her from being that incredible, prophetic Slayer that she could have been.
"Whoa B, it's fine – what's past is past, right?" she answered, maintaining her composure before adding, "and if you want to start throwing blame around, let's think who's fault Xander's dying is. What goes around, comes around – I guess that really does hold true."
"Shut up! You can't put that on me!"
"Whatever," she answered, tossing her cigarette out of the window.
"It's not my fault!" Faith went to walk out of the kitchen and Buffy added, "you know it's not my fault."
"Since when does it matter what I think?"
"Oh, don't act all innocent about this shit." Faith walked back towards the dinning room and muttered,
"How'd you like a knife through your gut," then sat down next to Xander again.
"That was the fastest fight ever!" Xander greeted. He was kidding entirely since what had gone on in the kitchen hadn't been heard in the dinning room.
"Sorry," she muttered. He was caught a little off guard by the apology and then realized from the tension in her face that there had actually been a fight between the two of them. The conversations across the table had resumed and Xander moved his hand on top of hers trying to soothe her already overwrought nerves. He wrapped his fingers through hers and turned to face her.
"You feeling okay?" she asked him, unable to keep herself from worrying.
"Yeah," he answered surprised, "I'm fine." The telephone rang from the kitchen and Xander offered to get it. "I'll be right back," he told her as he freed his hand from hers and walked into the kitchen. He stopped short seeing Buffy standing in the corner of the kitchen wiping her face quickly. He grabbed the phone and answered it.
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"Where's Faith?" Giles asked as everyone got ready to leave.
"Probably in our room," Xander answered, knowing she had snuck away about an hour before. He could tell with how she was acting that she had run out of patience for the whole situation and needed to be away from them.
"I'm just going to stop in and say goodbye," Giles said as everyone else helped Dawn and Buffy to the car. He walked over to the door and knocked.
"Come in," she answered reluctantly.
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked as he walked in. She was sitting on the bed with a cigarette looking miserable.
"I'm fine."
"Do you have the chills?" he asked, seeing that she was still wearing the sweatshirt.
"No," she answered defensively. She didn't want to admit it but since it was his sweatshirt it had his smell on it and it was more comforting to her than she thought something stupid like that would ever be.
"Listen, as soon as I heard about Xander I realized how hard this was going to be for you…"
"Would everyone stop thinking of me and think of him! He's the one that's sick."
"I understand that, Faith, but I was worried about you as well."
"Oh, you're going to make me blush," she retorted sarcastically. Xander walked into the room quietly and stood by the door wanting to remain relatively unnoticed.
"Faith, I picked these up for you," he answered. He walked towards the dresser-top where they seemed to toss everything and placed down a pill bottle.
"What? You dealing now… gotta say, now I've seen everything."
"It's an anti-depressant that I think you should take."
"What?" she snapped viciously. "I don't need fucking meds! I'm not fucking crazy, why the fuck do I need to be medicated?"
"Faith, it's just to help you through this and-"
"I don't need help! Why don't you spend your time finding meds for Xander if you're so concerned?"
"Faith, it's just an anti-depressant that I thought-"
"Do I look fucking depressed to you? I don't-"
"You do, actually," he answered firmly.
"…know who the fuck you think you are but-"
"Faith, I am simply trying to help."
"Yeah, by doping me up. Buffy told me about when you juiced her and-"
"That was different and has since been made up for… all this is going to take away from you is some of the tension and-"
"I like tension, in case you haven't noticed."
"I don't think you do." His tone was firm and it left her without a retort. "And I do think you're very depressed right now. I think you've been depressed for quite some time and it's an issue that hasn't been addressed and is one that will only worsen in the following week. For a girl that everyone described as 'personable' and 'ebullient' not too many years back, you've become completely unsocial and withdrawn."
"Side note to Giles," she answered condescendingly, "a lot's gone down in the past few years. Sorry if I'm not the happy go lucky type you've all come to expect in a Slayer but-"
"This has nothing to do with comparison Faith, the only thing I'm relating you to is yourself. Just look at yourself right now – you're very easily excited and from your past it's evident that you're very effected by death. I'm just trying to look out for you and-"
"Seems to me that you're just trying to watch out for yourself – ooo, everybody watch out, Faith's going to snap."
"You say that as though it hasn't happened before," he answered calmly.
"I don't need fucking brain candy, alright? I'm out of that phase, okay? I get my high other ways now…"
"Don't take this the wrong way, Faith, but you are crazy, and you need to be the first to acknowledge that, and I think you do. I think you realize your irrationalities and being as strong as you are, you're actually able to control it. I'm sorry if I offended you by bringing you those pills but… I'm not so sure you're going to be strong enough through this to hold yourself together. I want you to be able to ask for help where you need it."
"I don't need your fucking help. I have him… he's all I need," she admitted.
"You know what Faith, I think you're already falling apart… mentally and emotionally you're losing control."
"I am not losing control!"
"At the mention of anything, you get upset and-"
"Giles, I think that's enough," Xander warned softly, speaking up for the first time.
"… unpredictable. You're able to hold everything together just enough but you're dancing on that line."
"I'm fine!"
"If I were to add any other stressor to you I'm not so confident that you'd be fine."
"Giles, I'm fine," she answered after taking a deep breath to compose herself again seeing that Xander was ready to stand up for her.
"Would you still be fine if I mentioned your mother? I'm not so sure you would be."
"Get out," she answered sharply.
"Giles, come on," Xander added, seeing the look of near panic on her face at the mention of her mother. He had never talked to her about her mom but it became instantly apparent that it was a very sore area.
"Faith, I didn't say that to upset you, I just need you to realize that you're struggling right now and as long as you see that and don't pretend to be fine, then things will actually be alright…" he explained, never wanting it to have to be taken quite so far, but with Faith it always seemed to have to be an extreme. Xander walked over to her in the room and touched her arm,
"Faith…" She snapped away from his touch coldly and reached for her cigarettes. Her face was tight and angry. He walked back across the room with Giles and showed him out.
"Why the hell did you have to go and do that?" Xander asked as they walked through the hallway.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that's what was going to happen when I offered her those pills and I'm just concerned… I'm truly terrified for her. She's holding everything in, and-"
"She's different now, Giles. You think she's holding it all in but did you ever think that she's talking to me? She doesn't hold everything in around me – we talk and hell, she even cries! Why can't you let her be different? She's changed so much and you're still treating her like a killer."
"That's the type of attitude that's going to bring us to trouble – Xander there's a special place in my heart for her but she is a killer, that doesn't just disappear. I'm not saying that she's going to hurt anybody again, but what I am saying is that we need to be there for her and not deny what the real situation is like we did last time. Xander, you saw how she reacted when I mentioned her mother."
"If you knew she was going to react that way, why did you bring it up?"
"She needs to realize that she's got more open wounds than she can count…"
"Well, if she were still the old Faith you would've gotten your ass kicked, so there's my proof that she's different now." Giles nodded, and then waved goodbye at the sound of the cars horn beeping impatiently in the background.
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Xander quickly went back to the bedroom and saw her pacing in front of the window, flicking her cigarette out of it every time she past whether it needed it or not.
"I beat him up, don't worry," he joked as he walked over to her. She tossed her cigarette out of the window then turned to him. She pulled him closer to her by the bottom of his shirt and began kissing his neck, tracing around it with her passionate kisses.
"Hey," he whispered softly, "are you okay?" She kissed his earlobe then pulled it playfully between her teeth before kissing it again. "Are you?" he repeated, holding her waist firmly.
"I'm fine," she answered, quickly resuming what she was doing.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked softly.
"We can talk after," she answered, "I've been waiting all night for everyone to leave."
"Well, I think the two times we did it this afternoon can hold you for another sixty seconds…"
"Knowing you, we could be done by then." She pressed her lips to his neck again but he pulled his neck away,
"Hey!"
"If you don't want to just say so," she snapped, pulling away from him completely.
"Faith, I don't think you're fine… what he said really bothered you."
"Well, just leave it to a Watcher to really piss me off."
"What's the deal with you and your mom?"
"There is no deal," she snapped, "can we just get off the topic?"
"Were you two close? Were you guys like me and you?"
"I didn't fuck my mother."
"That's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I bet you would've dug it though."
"Faith, why the fuck do you have to act this way? Did she kick you out of the house or something? Did you two not get along at all? I'm just asking you these questions because I want to know, not because I want to hear how quick you can spit out nasty, sarcastic lines."
"Whatever."
"Oh, that's mature, Faith." She reached for her pack of cigarettes again but he quickly jumped in grabbing them away from her. "This is your third pack today, Faith, enough is enough!"
"Xander!" she screamed so loud that her voice cracked from the forced pitch. He opened his mouth to respond then his voice fell short leaving him standing there in silence. Everything going on had begun to build up inside of her again and her screaming so hysterically and forcefully made him remember that side of her again. It was a side of her that terrified him – as well as everyone else – and one that he had been glad to push to the back of his mind. But it was true, as much as she had changed, that was still a part of her and it was one that couldn't be ignored.
She saw his face and realized her explosive reaction; regret was an omnipresent emotion in her mind but at this point she just couldn't deal with all of it at once. She grabbed her cigarettes out of his hand hurriedly – which out of shock he automatically handed back to her – and practically ran out of the room.
"Is everything okay?" Willow asked, peeking her head cautiously through the open door. Xander shrugged, looking over at the two beautiful woman by his door. "We heard the yelling…"
"Yeah, Giles got her kind of worked up…"
"Where is she?" Kennedy asked. Xander pointed out towards the kitchen and with a nod she left the two in the bedroom.
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"Yo," Kennedy greeted, playfully kicking Faith in the butt as she walked up to stand next to her, "I thought we understood you're not allowed to be skinnier than me. When my ass is bigger than yours you know we have a problem." Faith turned towards her with a light glare. "You on a diet?"
"Yeah, it's called the stress and exhaustion diet," she answered. Kennedy leaned next to the window sill next to her waiting for her to continue since it was clear to her that she was milling over something in her head. Proving her right, moments later Faith spoke again, this time her tone softer but yet far more serious than she could remember her ever sounding… or maybe it wasn't serious it was just pensive. "Kennedy, I need you to promise me something."
"What?" she asked cautiously.
"If it comes down to it, I want you to put me out not Buffy."
"What the hell are you talking about? Why would it come down to that?"
"I'm just saying… you know what's happened and you know me now. Not to mention, you could probably take me. I just want to know that you'll do it and not feel bad about it." She almost had Kennedy convinced until those last two words where her 'so Faith' accent popped out and Kennedy immediately receded away from the idea.
"It's not going to happen, Faith. I mean… why you would…" Kennedy began stumbling over her words.
"Kenn, never mind…" she answered, seeing Kennedy was getting upset. She would never get like Buffy, she swore that to herself; she wasn't about to just vent and spread the way she felt by making those around her upset too.
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"…you've got yourself a high maintenance girl, Xander, I don't know what you want me to tell you."
"Just tell me I'm doing a good job with her… I just need to know that I'm not making her worse by the way I'm acting. I just want to make her happy and not make this worse for her than it already is."
"Xander," she answered with a proud smile, "you're doing great." He smiled gratefully and she continued, "seeing you two, as crazy as both of you have been lately, to me it just shows how much you both love each other."
"I'm crazy about her, Wil, I've always been. It was a little touch and go for a little while, you know when she tried to kill everybody, but even then, deep down, I understood. I always just wanted to walk up to her and grab her by the arms and shake her… I always knew that if I could just do that she'd snap out of it and… I just wasn't strong enough to do that before. It kind of helped that she got a little less intense too," he added with a smirk.
Kennedy walked back into their bedroom; Willow and Xander were both yawning upon her entry. She motioned her head towards the kitchen for Xander to go get Faith. He smiled appreciatively back at her and they all said goodnight. He walked out of the bedroom and out towards the kitchen. She was leaning reliantly on the wall as she stared out of the window. He walked up to her confidently and moving his baggy sweatshirt over his hands he rested them on her hips and held her back close to his chest. He held her softly as he breathed warmth by her ear.
After a few moments he was confident that she had either cooled down about the entire thing or that she was too tired to argue anymore… either way it made right now easier. He kissed her shoulder where the sweatshirt was hanging over it then kissed her neck and cheek.
"Let's go to sleep, okay?" he suggested softly. She nodded lazily and without hesitation he moved one hand up on her back and the other lower on her leg before picking her up into his arms. She was semi-surprised by the action, just because it was something that never lost it's pleasant element of surprise but she wasn't shocked because it was a habit he had become very proud of. She leaned her face on his shoulder willingly and placed a small kiss on his cheek as he walked back into the bedroom.
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