Too Soon
Day III
Sleep failed to find her the entire night. She felt more exhausted with every following moment. All night she had lain next to her lover just watching him; watching every breath he took and every time he would move. Nothing was more satisfying than watching the rise and fall of his chest as he laid there full of peace and content. Her muscles throbbed from soreness – it was a feeling she had become used to years ago and one that had never abandoned her. The feeling was pain but to her it was a comfort – unlike everything else in her life it was something she could always depend on.
Her mind raced with random thoughts all night; thoughts she hadn't allowed herself to think about for a very long time. Xander knew how she felt about the Mayor – she knew he had made her into a killer and gave her the encouragement she needed to now be haunted by her demons for the rest of her life. He hadn't just pointed her down the wrong path, he had paved it with gold for her, and held her hand as they walked it together.
He had been the first person to ever make her feel loved. She felt like she belonged when she was with him. Everything she did was amazing, whether it was to kill someone or to drink her milk, it was this incredible feat that needed all of the recognition in the world. And on top of that he made her feel like she didn't need to give up anything for it – even though she was being used in the most manipulated way possible, she felt like for the first time she wasn't.
She had repented for what she had done and she continued to be penitent for it all. She knew it was wrong and that everything the Mayor did for her was fake but she still loved him – she was angry for what he did to her but at the same time she didn't know anyone that she wasn't angry at so it didn't seem like that big of a deal… the whole issue confused her so she had made herself not think about it.
But last night there was something that jumped to the forefront of her thought and whether or not it was what kept her up all night, it was certainly the only thing she could think about. He told her that all she was ever looking for was love and acceptance and she was never going to find it anywhere but with him. It had taken her a long time to overcome those words and accept them as wrong – it took time, but Xander's consistency and true devotion to her had made her eventually realize how wrong he was. She knew the first part was right; all she had ever looked for was love and acceptance. She never cared if she were rich or powerful – deep down inside she knew she could be living in a closet without any food and only the clothes on her back and as long as she had someone who she knew loved her and accepted her for who she was, she'd be happy.
And now, here she was, with the most incredible man she'd ever known, and he loved her and everything about her. There were no secrets between them – a few unmentioned dark sections – but only because they hadn't gotten to them yet. He loved her and accepted everything about her… and he was dying. Whatever it was that kept her awake all night she knew she was grateful, for she didn't want to miss a single breath he took while he was still alive.
She was ripped suddenly from her pensive daydream as Xander went from completely asleep to completely awake in a state of panic. He jumped up quickly, grabbing at his chest as if to make sure he were really there. Then just as suddenly he turned towards Faith, who had jumped up as well at this point.
"Baby, are you okay?" he asked quickly, grabbing her shoulders in a panic as though she were the one in question. "Are you? Tell me… are you?" he continued to ramble.
"What?" she asked softly, trying to calm him down. She wrapped her arm around his which was still gripping her shoulder and rubbed it softly.
The look of fear flashing through her eyes halted his hysterics dead in their tracks; it was the look his panic had been trying to avoid. He took a deep breath then loosened his grip on her arms and stroked them encouragingly,
"Did you sleep okay?" She shrugged, still unable to just get over what had happened.
"What…"
"Just a bad dream," he answered, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. She knew there had been nights when she would wake up in the same fashion and he would just accept her nonchalant excuses so she tried to do the same but inside it was killing her not to know what he was going through. He saw the hesitation in her face and added, "I'm fine, Faith." She forced herself to accept it and also forced an approving smile – it came out as a half-hearted curvature of the lips, but she tried. "That's all I needed to see," he added, kissing her softly.
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"So what's on everyone's agenda today?" Willow asked cheerfully as they all sat around the kitchen for breakfast. Kennedy had offered to make her famous waffles and not even Faith could turn down the offer. Faith shrugged then was distracted by the blinking of the answering machine. Since all that it could possibly be for were present she pressed the play button.
"This is Larry. I was calling to send my regards to Mr. Harris but also to notify Faith that she no longer holds a position at Johnson Construction-" Faith immediately hit the delete button and the voice ceased to continue.
"I'm going to raise such hell for that bastard!" Xander stated angrily.
"Xander, don't…"
"You do your job better than anyone; that piece of shit can't fire you!"
"It's not really what I want to worry about right now, okay?" she answered, continuing to maintain a calm tone.
"Well when are you planning on worrying about it, Faith? You can't just dump the rent on Willow and Kennedy and expect-"
"I'll get a different job," she cut him off but still remained calm. "I'll work the night shift, I'm better suited for that anyway…"
"I don't want you working at-!" This time he cut himself off hearing an overbearing and overly protective part of himself in his voice. He never tamed her and he wasn't about to start acting like it now. "I'm sorry, that's not my place."
"I won't… work nights, okay?"
"It's not my place."
"Yes it is," she answered firmly. The weakness in her tone was heard by all and the conversation was dropped as though it had never begun.
Kennedy served the delicious waffles then stepped into the other room to retrieve Faith who had stepped out for a cigarette.
"They're ready."
"Awesome… I'll be right in."
"Faith," Kennedy began, looking at the look of misery that consumed her face as well as her entire body language, "can you stop looking like he's already dead? Enjoy what you have left…"
"When he's gone – you won't be able to look at me."
Xander looked across the table at Faith who had one foot resting on her chair with her knee pulled up close to her as she sipped at her coffee. The lack of sleep left her looking tired and drained but everyone knew it ran far deeper than that. He swallowed hard then looked away from her, concentrating again on his meal. He had dreamt his death last night and it wasn't that which had frightened him; it was the pain he saw in her. He didn't want to keep his life for himself anymore, he just didn't want her to lose him. He understood what all of this was going to do to her and he hated himself for it. What had woken him from his dream hadn't been the thought of him no longer being able to fill his lungs with air it was the sound of her hysterical weeping.
Everyone else thought they knew what it was like for her. They thought they knew how she was going to react and what she was going to have to go through… but they didn't. They couldn't even grasp what it was going to be like for her. They didn't know half of the things about her that he knew.
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"Buffy, is everything alright?" Giles asked. She snapped out of her daze and turned towards him,
"Yeah, everything's cool."
"I umm… I have to admit, for the first time I actually understand how you feel when it comes to having a… disagreement or um… confrontation with Faith. It's much more emotionally draining than one puts credit towards."
"What do you mean?" she asked with a smile.
"Well, last night I had a so called confrontation and it's had me thinking about it all day and just every moment of it replays in my mind and everything that was said, down to the tone it was said with, is put into question… now I can truly understand how you get hung up on small spats with her."
"See why I always end up hitting her," Buffy answered jokingly.
"I probably would've lost an arm if I had taken that route," he agreed, "not that I came far from it anyway…"
"She must've been in rare form last night – usually Faith limits herself to one enemy per night… unlike her theory one men but-" Buffy allowed herself to trail off.
-------------
"Can we talk?" Xander asked, walking into the workout room. Faith was punching the suspended punching bag fiercely.
"'Bout what?" she asked, clearly not in the mood for talking. She continued to punch the bag, the intensity of the blow increasing by increments with each hit.
"To be blunt, your mother."
"To be blunt back, no."
"Faith, why are you being so stubborn about this?"
"Me? Stubborn… never!" she answered sarcastically.
"And now onto the sarcasm… I just want to know why it's such a sensitive topic."
"See, I could've forgiven it before, but you just admitted to knowing it's a sensitive topic, so now you're just being annoying."
"Mature, really… we've digressed to annoying. Faith, we don't lie to each other…"
"I'm not lying – I don't want to talk about it because that might lead to lying, so back off."
"We don't keep secrets either."
"We're not exactly the Brady Bunch neither," she answered, still increasing the blows.
"Faith, I just want to talk…"
"Well I don't!" she answered, slamming her fist into the punching bag again but this time unlike the others she pulled it back to her and practically doubled over as she grabbed it with her other hand. Xander heard the painful gasp that she would forever be denying from this day forward but he heard it and ran up to her.
"What is it?" he asked trying to grab her hand that she was holding tightly against her stomach. A rush of heat ran over her face from the pain but she clenched her teeth and tried to shake it off. She shook her head stiffly in response to his question. "Let me see it." He grabbed her arm and pulled it,
"Stop!" she yelled almost squeaking. He immediately took a step back and held his hands up,
"What'd you do?"
"I just broke it," she answered, still holding it tightly.
"Oh, I just broke it," he mocked, "you were hitting the fucking bag hard enough – of course you broke it!" He walked back up to her, "let me see it." She slowly straightened her arm and showed it to him. He held her wrist gently, "what's broken?"
"Still working on the GED, but don't worry, I'll tackle the MD tomorrow."
"Bend it." She bent it slightly than stopped with a slight cringe.
"Yeah, that's where it's broken," she muttered.
"Alright," he answered holding it gently – he said it more to keep himself calm than her. "You know, I think you're going soft in your old age."
"What?"
"Well this is just a wrist… I remember a time when you dislocated your shoulder and barely thought twice about it."
"I found a distraction," she snapped.
"Alright, let's get you to Giles. He'll know what to do."
"No, I'll be fine… I just need to give it a minute."
"Okay, you sit here and give it a minute and I'll be right back – I'm going to go call not Giles." He headed towards the door and added, "be sure to flip me off with the other hand."
"I hate you," she groaned, sticking her tongue out at him spitefully.
-------------
"So what are you going to do about it?" Buffy asked. The telephone rang and Giles picked it up,
"Hello?... Yes, of course… alright," he said hanging up the phone. "The self inflicted injuries begin…"
--------------
"This is fucking ridiculous," Faith protested as Xander gave her shoulder a final push before he quickly closed the passenger door. "I'm telling you, I just need to ice it or heat it or something and I'll be fine," she claimed as he jumped into the drivers seat.
"I want to make sure," he answered.
"It's not like it's my neck, it's just a wrist…"
"Many men might argue against that," he added sarcastically.
"That's not going to be an issue," she snapped.
"We're not going to get into that right now."
"Fine!" She propped her feet against the dashboard and cradled her hand on her stomach. "Watch Giles use this as another reason I should be on brain candy."
"Maybe he'd be right."
"Is that really what you think?" she snapped angrily.
"Faith, I just want you to be okay and he's right, you seem really angry about some stuff and-"
"I've always been angry about stuff. I've been angry about my mom for a long time before you even met me, okay? I'm pissed off at just about everybody but you know what, you fell in love with me like this, why the hell should I start popping some fucking doper pills?"
"Faith, it's just that-"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I love you – why the hell do you have to question that?"
"You saying you want me on those meds tells me you don't. If you want me to change the way I am then say it, because that's what that's going to do."
"Fine… you're right."
"No! By saying that you're saying that you don't love me the way I am – do you want me different? Because if you want me different I'll change for you but you know you always said you loved me when-"
"Faith, you're right, okay? I didn't think about it like that."
"How else is there to think about it?"
"Faith, can we just drop it. I agree with you, okay? I love you and you're right."
"Xander, there's the diff between me and B, alright – the point of everything for her is to be right. Me, I'm wrong all the time and I'm alright with that because I get to know why."
"You're being ridiculous."
"I don't care who the fuck is right! I want to know why."
"Fine!" he answered, pulling the car quickly to the side of the road and coming to an abrupt halt. Faith wasn't backed off by the aggressive attitude in the least but she was impressed that he had done it not to front anything, but actually because of what he was going to say. "You want to know why, fine! I know I've only made one promise to you and that was to never leave you. I swore to you and to myself that it would never happen – and here I am less than two years later throwing that back in your face. I'm sorry if I thought that maybe some magic pill would make it less hard for you, okay? Now you know why," he finished and before she could answer he set his focus back on the road and continued driving.
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"She broke her hand?" Buffy asked again, still not really believing it. "I've never broken my hand before… does this mean she really hits harder than I do?"
"What?" Giles asked, caught off guard by the question.
"You've trained with us both – who hits harder?" she asked again, stuck on the thought.
"Well…" he answered cautiously. "You've both very different techniques, I don't know if they're comparable…"
"Compare!"
"Faith's technique is to injure her opponent and then kill them… whereas yours is to just position them for the kill. You're more accurate and she's more combative…"
"So she hits harder than I do?
"Buffy, I- I hear them at the door."
----------------
Giles left Faith and Xander in the living room while he went to get some supplies to bandage Faith's wrist. Buffy voluntarily followed him out of the room leaving the two where they were seated. They seemed strangely calm when they came in – Faith was quiet and Xander only spoke a few words to Giles. Buffy had expected them to be heated when they got there; she wasn't sure why but it just seemed like they would be.
"Are you okay?" Faith asked quietly. Xander was taken slightly aback by her tone but then answered flatly,
"I'm fine."
"Of course you're fine," she muttered tiredly. She had missed sleep before – it was more of a luxury to get a full nights sleep than a notable event to not, but more than ever before for her, the last few days had been entirely draining. She had been so drained and exhausted at the end of the day that she couldn't make herself fall asleep because sleep took too much effort on her part. Many of her demons hid on the inside of her eyelids and she just didn't have the strength to fight them. That and the fact that she felt like there was this constant ticking away of time in her mind as the few precious seconds she had left with him were ticking away and nobody was noticing. She was tired and she was frustrated and over the past year and a half she had gotten used to him taking care of her when she felt this way, but now he was the cause of it and she couldn't figure out a way to let him take care of it anymore.
"Here we are," Giles said as he walked into the quiet room with all sorts of first aid supplies.
"Where'd Buffy disappear to?" Xander asked.
"Oh, she's right in the kitchen." Xander nodded than stood and walked into the kitchen leaving Faith with Giles.
"Let's have a look…"
"It's really fine. I don't know why he's spazing about it."
"Well…" Giles answered pensively, "it seems to me that you're not exactly the type of girl who allows herself to be 'taken care of' on a regular occasion… but where he has the chance, he really wants to take care of you."
"Which is why he walked away as soon as he could, huh?"
"I'd imagine he's probably feeling very guilty…"
"I know plenty about that," she muttered.
"Let's see." She held up her right hand slowly. He noted that she clearly was uncomfortable as soon as he cradled her wrist in his hand, not out of pain but just because of the touch. He glanced up at her face to see if it matched and it did; her eyes were focused rigidly on the floor away from him and her face seemed frozen in place. "Does it hurt?" he inquired, thinking maybe her discomfort was due to pain.
"No, it's fine." She took her hand away.
"It's a fairly bad break, Faith."
"Whatever, it'll be better in a day so who gives a shit?"
"How'd you break it?"
"I fell," she answered blankly.
"Xander told me you were punching…"
"Well if you knew, why the fuck are you asking?" she asked angrily, standing up from the couch.
"Faith," he answered, keeping his tone more soothing, "can you just sit and I'll wrap it up for you and-" She sat but argued,
"I don't understand why we have to be here wasting time on something that doesn't matter and-"
"How is this a waste of time? I heard you were fired… where else are you supposed to be today?" After a short moment he answered his own question – realizing that she felt like her time left with Xander was being calculated on someone else's stopwatch. "It'll only take a minute, I promise," he added, his tone completely altered.
"Promises are bullshit."
Giles wrapped her wrist quietly than left her at the couch and walked into the kitchen. Buffy took the silent cue and walked out into the living room and sat across from Faith.
"So, what's up?"
"You tell me."
"I've come to the happy conclusion that boring is a good thing when it comes to slaying."
"Sure…" Faith answered, only feigning agreement.
"Angel called last night… he heard about what's going on and wanted to check in."
"Strange."
"Why is that strange?"
"Well, that he called you."
"Why is it strange that he would call me? It would be much stranger if he called you, wouldn't it?" she asked defensively.
"No."
"What?" she snapped bitterly, her jealousy of Faith and Angel's relationship peering out. "Why not?"
"You said he was calling about Xander – update, B, me and Xander live together and we've kinda got the same phone number." Buffy was frustrated by her nonchalant tone that she was maintaining while she was having trouble staying away from hysterical. But she was also frustrated because she was completely right.
"He didn't have your number."
"Well did you give it to him?" she asked, her tone finally shifting away from equanimity.
"I was out. I didn't have it on me." She allowed that to sink in, then added, "he says hi."
------------
"Is she okay?" Xander asked.
"No."
"What do you mean, no?" he asked quickly. "Is her wrist that bad?"
"Oh, no, her wrist should be fine by tomorrow."
"Then why is she not okay?"
"She's holding it together but she's working really hard to do so. I think she's starting to actually realize what's going on with you but she's reluctant to accept it."
"Why are you saying all of this?"
"Are you two fighting a lot?"
"We always fight… if we weren't then there would be a problem. We fight about what's wrong and then it's over with and then we make that better. We don't hold it in so it becomes a big deal. That's how we work," he explained. Giles nodded,
"I know, you two are very unique," he smiled, "but just make sure you two are spending some time together when you're not fighting about something."
"I know," he answered with a nod.
"You better go get her," Giles suggested.
"Yeah, her and Buffy in a room together right now is definitely a bad idea."
"Yes," he agreed, "but she's becoming overly aware of the time factor also." Xander nodded in understanding then turned towards the living room and began to walk away, "Xander…"
"Yes?" he stopped and turned back towards Giles,
"Xander, death is something that is very hard to deal with… I know you're going through something that's extremely difficult in every way imaginable. But it's important to understand that… well, the person dying has a hard time, but those left behind have a far more difficult task." He nodded and answered,
"I don't think I would ever be able to handle this if it were the other way around… you know, there's a piece of me that's almost glad it's this way."
"Ready to go?" Xander asked lightly as he walked back into the living room. She stood up and walked towards the door without a word and he could tell there hadn't been pleasant words exchanged between the two slayers – big surprise. "See you later, Buffy."
"I'll see you tonight."
They walked out the door, Xander following Faith until she stopped dead in her tracks and Xander almost bumped into her.
"Where are you going tonight?" He placed a hand on her lower back and got her to continue walking to the car – he didn't want to make a scene right outside of the door.
"Willow made reservations at Evan's and it's where we are going tonight." He opened the car door for her and she got in with a huff. He went around and got into the driver's seat and started the car.
"You like the food at Evan's," he encouraged with a smile.
"We had dinner with everyone last night."
"Yeah…" he answered hesitantly, not wanting to bring up again they there were only so many nights he had left. "Wood wanted to come and he sparked the idea and I would've said no but you really liked the food at Evan's the last time we went…" he explained.
"Yeah…" she muttered. He looked over at her but her gaze was fixed away from him and out of her window.
"It'll be fun," he added, seeing that she wasn't convinced.
"Why couldn't you guys go out to lunch or something?"
"I understand the whole not being allowed to wear the same shirt two days in a row thing you taught me about but I must've missed the memo that dinner was in that same category," he answered jokingly.
"I miss you," she admitted quietly.
"We're together right now, Faith… I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just don't understand what you're talking about."
"Never mind," she answered. Her tone sounded snappy to him but it was really just an on the spot cover as her throat clenched when she began to speak.
"Faith, we can have sex during the day too, it's not limited to around dinner time, don't worry," he answered, his tone feigning levity.
"Fuck you!" she answered angrily, "that's not what I'm fucking talking about."
"Then what are you talking about?"
"We used to just relax and hang out… we'd just chill… just me and you and it was so nice and we-"
"I'm sorry if my dropping dead is ruining our down time but I thought you liked Evan's and I thought the party girl liked going out and it would be fun." She could barely get herself to take another breath but she was far from being able to answer him. He glanced away from the road for a moment and over to her and saw she was staring rigidly out of her window again. "You want to talk about us not having any time to spend together but here we are, together, and you make it a fight." He glanced over at her again and she remained unmoved. "Faith?"
She didn't answer him and he looked over at her again at a stop sign. In front of them he noticed a couple in their late twenties each holding one hand to a little boy that appeared to be their son as they crossed the street. The kid was skipping happily between them and both the woman and the man were smiling and agreeing with something the child was talking about.
"Are you crying?" he asked, demanding to know.
"I'm not fucking crying," she lied, "can you just drive so we can go home." He drove forward for a moment then pulled the car over to the side and got out of the car. He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair in frustration as he walked around the car muttered to himself,
"Pull yourself together and stop being such an asshole, Xander."
He walked over to the passenger side of the car, surprising her, because she didn't know where else to face to cover the fact that she was more than just crying. He opened her door and she turned, facing forward.
"Xander, get back in the car and just drive me home."
"Why so you can beat the shit out of the wall with your left hand? Or maybe have a few beers and go to sleep and pretend nothing's going on… and don't forget, you need to smoke a few packs too."
"What do you want me to do?" she asked almost helplessly as she stopped herself in the middle of pulling a cigarette out of the box.
"I want you to turn around and look at me! I know you're fucking crying and I know it's my fault – I'm being an asshole and I made you upset. Turn around and look at me!" She wiped her eyes off quickly then turned partially towards him with new tears already wetting her eyes. He grabbed her legs by her knees and pulled them around so she was facing out of the door and directly at him.
"Can we just go home?"
"No we can't just go home. I made you upset and I'm not going to just leave it like that so you can hate me all day. Faith, look at me!" he demanded. She turned her face towards him again but her stomach felt like it was being torn apart. The trucks height had her eyelevel slightly above his as he stood in front of her. "I hate this. I hate that everything we have has to be over even though neither of us want it to be. I almost wish I'd just die right now so I don't have to see everything I'm putting you through."
"Xander, I don't want to do this right now, okay?" she asked, her tone begging him to just pretend nothing was happening.
"I'm not going to pretend like nothing's wrong, Faith, because obviously you're doing that and you're still upset right now, so it doesn't work."
"Stop it," she pleaded, the tears still flowing from her eyes. She tried to turn away from him again but he held her legs firmly and looked up at her obdurately.
"Faith, I love you. Listen to me!" he demanded her focus, "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I let you fall in love with the wrong guy. I'm sorry that I'm putting this on you, I really am."
"Xander, stop!"
"I'm sorry that I'm fucking this up for the both of us, okay? I wish a lot of things were different. You know the day I went into the doctor? Yeah, well that was the day I was going to ask you to marry me and be mine forever. I wanted to marry you… yeah, stupid me, I even went and got the ring!" he pulled a small velvet box out of his jacket pocket and held it up as proof. "I wanted you to be my wife forever and I wanted you to be the girl who had my kid or kids even… okay? I wanted to have a family with you and I wanted to take care of you and be with you and make you happy for the rest of your life. Okay? I wanted all of those things for us and now neither of us gets to have them because of me. I wanted to be old and still holding the most beautiful girl I'd ever met in my arms at night."
Faith was struggling so much to breathe that stifling her tears wasn't something she could be concerned with. They flowed like rapids down her cheeks as she tried to make herself keep looking at him. Xander's voice was cracking at every other word but he continued to spill his heart out.
"Xander…" she managed to get herself to say as she put her hands on top of his on her legs. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I know you Faith, I can see it in you already. After I'm gone you're going to find some way to deny that I loved you – you'll find some way to deny to yourself that anyone wanted you forever and that I couldn't have loved you like you thought. Well I do. I love you more than you'll ever understand and I don't want you to forget that, or to make yourself forget that." He raised his hands and cupped her face gently, "I love you."
She nodded and he leaned forward and cautiously touched his lips to hers, unsure of whether she would be put off by all that he had said and needed to be left alone. She pulled away from his kiss slightly and he immediately pulled back and let go of her, understanding by now how she worked. She wiped her tears with her left hand then raised it to his face and caressed his cheek with her thumb.
He could see in her face that she was still absorbing everything he had said to her. He was right about the fact that that evil side of her personality would immediately – if it hadn't started already – challenge the integrity of their relationship and all the things she believed were a part of it. He moved his head to the side where her hand was still perched so that his lips now touched her hand. He kissed her hand lovingly then added,
"Now that I'm done with my little mental breakdown, we can go home." Her expression was drained and her face was still broken from crying but with the grin that followed his words she immediately brightened. "I just needed you to know that I really love you… even if I do act like an asshole sometimes." She finally gave him the smile he had been waiting for and he smiled happily back. She turned in her seat and he closed her door for her and walked around the car. He got into the driver's seat again and started the car and as he was pulling out of the parking spot and back onto the road he felt her move over on the bench seat and rest her head on his shoulder while wrapping her arms around his right arm.
A few minutes later when they were about half way between Giles' house and their own he added,
"I love you."
"I know," she answered with a smile.
"Just wanted to make sure you remembered."
"I swear I won't forget."
"Guess what… I love you."
"You're such a dork."
"See, it's true – all of the dorks do end up with the hot girls."
"Damn, I am hot, aren't I?" she answered, turning the rear view mirror towards her to look at her own reflection.
"Very."
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Kennedy walked into the apartment looking completely wiped out. She dragged herself to the kitchen in search of some highly caffeinated beverage and saw Xander waiting by the microwave.
"Lemme guess, she sent you out for popcorn."
"Right again," he admitted.
"So if she's trusting you with the popcorn, you two must be doing a little better than you were this morning."
"Yeah, we had a little talk today."
"A talk," she answered skeptically.
"Yeah, you know, one of those very professional, quiet, unemotional talks where you sit in one of those big offices across a desk from each other decked out in suits…" he explained.
"Cursing, screaming, crying…"
"Pretty much," he answered with a smile.
"But you're on popcorn duty now so I guess it turned out alright."
"Yeah," he answered as the microwave beeped, finished with the popcorn.
"You two are way too perfect for each other," she joked, burying her head in the fridge.
"Want some popcorn?"
"Faith would kick my ass if I stole her popcorn."
"Better you than me," he joked, walking out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. He presented the bowl of popcorn on the bed beside her then sprawled himself out next to her, wrapping his arm around her waist.
"I love you," he reminded again. It had been their little game throughout the day.
"I love you too," she answered kissing him.
"Kennedy was trying to steal your popcorn," he joked.
"She knows better." He kissed all over her shoulder as she watched the TV and ate her popcorn.
"We should start getting ready. You want the first shower?"
"Would you hate me if I didn't go?"
"Why wouldn't you come? I mean, you're my girlfriend and-"
"I'm just not really in the mood for a whole social thing right now." He continued to hold her and then suggested,
"I could not go… and we could just hang out…"
"I don't think you can cancel on your own dinner, as much as I'd like you to."
"You'd be surprised," he joked, "this whole dying thing comes with its privileges."
"That's not funny," she answered flatly.
"Then why are you trying not to smile?" he asked as he grabbed her ribs and tickled her.
"Because… you're… an… asshole…" she managed to get out as she wriggled away from him and finally made it to her feet off of the bed.
"Oh, my darling sweetheart," he answered jokingly.
"Shut up," she laughed, sitting back down on the bed cautiously. He moved over to her on the bed, standing on his knees, and wrapped his arms around her waist and arms and kissed her neck playfully. He made loud, childish kissing sounds as he did so and worked his way up to her cheek dramatically then stopped suddenly and looked at her,
"You're so cute when you're pissed off," he joked, then stole a kiss from her lips.
"Oh, go take a shower, you smell," she answered, playfully pushing him away.
-----------------
"So how fancy is Evan's?" Kennedy asked Willow.
"I talked to Buffy about it… it's not really fancy but she suggested we get prettied up. It's nice to have somewhere to go and have to look nice," she added with a smile.
"Just wish it was for a better occasion."
"What's wrong with the occasion?" Willow asked defensively, "it's a bunch of friends, getting together to just see each other and-"
"Wil, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? See, I'm fine." Kennedy walked over to her lover and made her look her in the eye,
"Baby, do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what? Everything's fine and-"
"Willow, you're best friend is dying… everything isn't just fine and it's okay for you to not be just fine."
"There's no point to getting all ugly and upset about it. That doesn't fix it or change anything."
"It'll make you feel better and at some point you're going to have to show how you're feeling and if that's 'ugly' and 'upset' that's okay."
"I'm not like Faith – I'm not going to be all crabby and upset in front of him. I don't think that's right. I think with the little time we have left with Xander everything should be happy and normal and… not crabby."
"I see what you're saying, Baby, but… well, Faith's like that because she knows how explosive and dangerous she gets when she keeps all of that inside of her… Willow, I'm worried about you too. She's a Slayer and I've heard how fucking scary she can get but you're up there too, Baby, you're a powerful Wicca and if you keep everything pent up inside then who knows."
"I don't want to make Xander have to deal with me being upset. It's not his job to make me feel better, it's my job to make him feel better," she explained firmly.
"Then I'll be here to make you feel better," Kennedy stated.
----------------
Xander walked out of the bathroom where a pair of boxers and toweling off his hair as he walked. Faith was lying on the bed watching TV before he came out but the show – lacking anything interesting to watch – quickly became unnoticed. She had had something running through her mind since their 'little talk' earlier and she wasn't sure if she should bring it up, or even if she should, how she would go about it, but she thought she owed it to him to be upfront with it.
"Hey," she said getting his attention.
"What's up?" he asked, turning from the closet to her.
"I've got a weird question…"
"What is it?" he asked with a smile, amused that she seemed embarrassed about whatever it was she was going to ask. She sat up on the bed, facing him still, and asked, her tone surprisingly serious,
"Are you still going to ask me to marry you?" He felt like he had been thrown backward by her question, catching him completely off guard. A pensive expression immediately took over his face and he began to shuffle through some folded shirts in the drawer.
"Umm…" he answered several moments later, only to assure her that he had heard her question and was actually thinking about it.
"Sorry," she apologized, uncomfortable with the silence. "That's not something I should ask. Forget it," she added, giving him an out.
"Faith," he answered pensively, as though she hadn't said anything since her initial question, "why would I do that to you?" She looked at him with surprise,
"What do you mean?"
"Why would I make you a widow when you're not even close to being twenty-five?" She shrugged,
"I don't know… I just…" she tried to answer without showing the slight disappointment – which even she didn't completely understand – in her tone.
"Baby, how do you know a year, five years, ten years down the road you're not going to meet someone who makes you really happy and you want to have a family with? Why are you going to make him number two if he doesn't have to be?"
"Xander, why can't you get this? There isn't going to be anyone else."
"You saying that really upsets me," he answered firmly, if not a little angrily.
"Why does that piss you off-"
"You want to know why? Because to me that's saying, 'hey Xander, you just fucked up her entire life because now she's going to feel guilty if she's not faithful to some dead guy!' That's why it pisses me off."
"Xander, do you realize how rare it is that I can be with someone? Like really with someone that I love and care about and can actually say that to them?"
"You never know, now that you've done it once it might be easier…"
"Xander!" she stated almost yelling, feeling like he wasn't hearing a word she was saying. "Where am I going to find someone who's known me since I was sixteen, knows what I do and what slaying is all about that I won't have to keep secrets from, and who's known me through the good and all of the bad?"
"You being so closed to the idea of finding someone makes that harder…"
"Xander I don't want anyone else!"
"You don't know that…"
"Xander, I've been with a lot of men… more than you'd ever want to hear about," she admitted, "and being with them never felt like what it feels like to be with you. When I'm with you it's completely different and I can't have that with anyone else… it's just not going to happen. Believe me, I was shocked that after all of the meaningless sex I've had, that I would actually be able to find someone that made it mean something and made it actually different for me. Not only am I not going to be able to have that with anyone else, I can't go back to it being meaningless either. The thought of having anyone but you touch me makes me sick… it's not fun, it's not sexy… it's not something I want anymore."
"Listen, we obviously don't agree on this. But I just want you to know that after I'm gone, I want you to do whatever makes you happy and I don't want you feeling guilty about anything because you feel like you're doing it against me. If it's something that'll make you happy I want you to do it. Don't feel guilty…"
"Xander, I feel guilt every time I take a breath because I know I don't deserve it."
"Don't say that to me."
"I've hurt so many people and fucked up so badly that… I just don't understand why I'm not the one who only has a few days left. I deserve to be sick and-"
"Faith, stop it."
"You've never done anything wrong! I'm a loser… I'm a killer… I'm a burnout… you name it, if it's bad, I'm it. I deserve to be given a week, not you. There are so many fucking pieces of shit walking around that don't have to worry about anything and you're the one who Caleb hurts and now you're the one who's sick? I just don't fucking get it…"
"It's not something you're supposed to understand. When it's your time it's your time…"
"But it's not your time."
--------------
"Wow!" Xander exclaimed as he stood at the door to the apartment and Kennedy and Willow exited their bedroom, finally ready to leave. "You two look incredible! I'm suddenly feeling very underdressed."
"You look really nice," Willow answered.
"Shall we?" he offered jokingly as he opened the front door.
"Where's Faith?" Kennedy asked quickly.
"She's not coming," he answered, almost a little curtly.
"Why?"
"She had a rough day and… I don't think she wants to deal with Buffy."
---------------
Faith had been staring at the clock since he had walked out of the door hours earlier. She even found herself pacing the floor a couple of times and needed to force herself to stop.
"I'm like a fucking junkie going through withdrawal," she accused herself. "I am so fucking pathetic!" She threw the television remote control onto the floor and walked into the kitchen. She lit a cigarette as she walked and exhaled it with a tired sigh. She opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, then heard a loud knock at the door. She held the beer in the same hand as her cigarette by the neck and answered the door without hesitation and an air of insolence. All of that evaporated as soon as she saw the tall, dark featured, quiet Angel standing outside of the door. She faltered only for a second but it was more than long enough for both of them to notice.
"Angel."
"Hello, Faith," he greeted, his voice was warm but he remained standing perfectly still.
"Come on in," she added backing up a few steps to give him room to walk into the apartment. After a second she realized she was only wearing a pair of – very short – boy shorts and a tank top. She tugged at the bottom of her shorts hoping to make them cover at least half of her butt…
"I see you're taking care of yourself," he said sardonically, eyeing her hand holding both a cigarette and a beer. She held them both carefully in her hurt hand, paying it only a small amount of attention, but for Angel, he was paying it much more.
"You know me," she answered, turning and walking into the kitchen. He followed her quietly, "so how've you been?"
"Busy… but I heard about Xander. How's he feeling?"
"He's been okay," she answered quickly then took a long pull on her beer.
"Well, then how have you been?" She looked at him skeptically then took a drag of her cigarette as though it were stupid he was even asking – of course she was fine. "Faith?" he pushed at her silence.
"I'm five by five," she answered pompously.
"I see that," he answered, motioning again at the beer and cigarette. "Where's everyone else?"
"They went out to eat…"
"You're not eating anymore?" he asked, glancing downward at her hardly covered legs.
"No… it's just… honestly, I just wasn't in the mood for…"
"For what?"
"I'm a little dinner-ed out…"
"Was Buffy going by any chance?"
"Listen…" she snapped, "I can't even begin to deal with B right now."
"Yeah, I got that feeling when I talked to her."
"Yeah, she was sure to bring up the fact that she talked to you." He shook his head,
"For someone so remarkable and wise she sure can be a little kid, huh?"
"Little kid… piece of shit… pain in the fucking ass… however you want to put it, really…" she answered without completely joking.
"You two still get along that well, huh?"
"You know me; I just love being talked to like a worthless waste of space." She walked over to the sink and quickly ran the butt of the cigarette under the water then tossed it in the garbage can. "I was um… just laughing at myself before because…" she hesitated, instantly embarrassed at what she was openly admitting but then realized she was too far into it to back out so she decided to play it off with confidence, "well, I haven't stopped watching the clock since he left… I'm going to be in some state next week, huh?" With that thought still ambient in the air she took the final gulp of her beer and quickly retrieved another from the fridge.
"I wanted to talk to you about that… I know LA's not exactly a place full of good times for you but if you need some space from everything you're welcome to stay over with me."
"That's really nice of you but I don't see myself doing much traveling in the near future."
"What do you see yourself doing?"
"Well… Angel, I'm not the mopping type, you know… but then again, I'm not really the clock watching type either," she concluded, lighting another cigarette quickly. She took a quick hit then exhaled and added, "I… I don't… never mind."
"Faith, talk to me." She exhaled another puff of smoke and answered,
"Honestly, I don't see myself being able to talk myself into getting out of bed. This isn't something I'm going to just be able to hold down and ignore."
"I don't want you to," he assured her. In a sudden moment she added,
"Angel, I hate her."
"Buffy? Well, Faith, you two haven't been good for a long time and-"
"Jealous, sure… envy, all the time… angry, no doubt, but Angel, I've never hated her like this before. It's crazy, I know – but hey – I'm not exactly the picture of sanity over here. I don't know, I just feel like… like every time I get something that I actually care about and something that I have that's mine… she always ends up being behind why I lose it."
"Faith, this is hard, I know…"
"I don't need someone else telling me how hard this is all going to be, okay? I get it… news update, it's already too hard for me to deal with."
"I'm sorry," he answered honestly. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Faith, and looking at all of the people in my circle of friends, that's quite a compliment. But I came out here because I needed to see that you were okay because I realize how this is going to be for you."
"Angel, you know how I feel about you," she said placing the second empty beer bottle in the garbage, "and we both know how much you've done for me and how much I need you." All of these things were things they both knew and were both comfortable stating but then she added, "Angel, I can't live without him. I've never felt this way about anyone before… Angel…" suddenly her expression sank and she just let out a sigh that seemed like it might soon be a sob.
"Talk to me."
"Did you know he was going to ask me to marry him?" Without even realizing it his face lit up with excitement but then quickly died down again, "and did you know I would've said yes."
"Yeah?"
"In a second… I don't have to explain what we have to you – you know how happy he makes me. He was really upset today and we were driving and he stopped and came over and told me that he was going to ask me and he told me how much he loved me… and he told me he wanted to have a family with me…"
"Faith, I'm so sorry."
"He said he told me all of that because he didn't want me to pretend what we had wasn't real after he's gone… the bastard knows me way too well. But you know, a part of me really thanks him for that but another part of me wishes he had left me that little land of denial."
"Hey, when do you plan on slowing down with those?" he asked as she finished off the third beer.
"When they're all finished," she answered quickly. "I am also letting you know that next week I'm going to be in a drunken stupor for probably several days if not weeks…" she joked.
--------------
"Well I still think it's really shitty that Faith didn't come with you, Xander," Buffy continued. "I mean this is your night and she's your… girlfriend, isn't she? I mean granted Faith isn't really the "girlfriend" type but-"
"Actually she is," he cut her off. He had finally grown tired of the small jabs she had been throwing at Faith in her absence. That was one of the things he admired most about Faith – although she quarreled with Buffy on a regular basis, anything she had to say about her she said to her face, and when Buffy wasn't around, rarely did she bring it up unless it was something that was really bothering her. "And as Faith explained it to me before I left, to her, every night is my night." Kennedy couldn't help but grin as she stared down at her plate trying to keep a straight face.
---------------
"What'd you do to your wrist?" Angel inquired. He sat on a chair by the kitchen table looking up at her sitting on the countertop.
"I fell." He let out a laugh then quickly regained himself,
"You're full of shit."
"Why doesn't anyone believe that one?" she asked with a smile.
"I've seen you fucking piss drunk and you're not anywhere close to falling down."
"Just you wait to see me next week, I'll be took drunk to even stand up let alone give myself the chance to fall down," she joked.
"What'd you hit?" She laughed in disbelief,
"Am I really that predictable? Please, I think it's time to kill me."
"I'm going to pretend that's your sense of humor coming back and not your suicidal tendencies," he joked.
"I think both of those things kind of run hand in hand when it comes to me." He thought about it for a moment then laughed a little,
"Yeah, you're right."
------------
"Xander, are you alright?" Giles asked quietly as to not interrupt the rest of the tables conversation. He had noticed him looking increasingly uncomfortable and squinting his eyes in the past half hour.
"My head's actually starting to bother me a little bit," he admitted slightly. Really he wanted to say that every thirty seconds it was feeling like someone was hitting him in the back of the head with a two by four but he didn't want to raise more concern to everyone than necessary.
"Did you bring any of the prescription?"
"No, I left it at home… I'm not really into this whole routine yet."
"Do you need to go?" Xander shook his head showing that he wanted to stay but as he moved his head back and forth the pain settled in, take away the thirty second interval between hits.
"Maybe I should call it a night." By this point everyone had seen his discomfort and had ceased their conversation. "Thanks for dinner everybody." They were all concerned but Wood offered to walk him out to the car and then later give Willow and Kennedy a ride home.
"So how are things with you and Faith?" Wood inquired with concern as they walked out to the car.
"Trying out for the rebound position?" Xander asked quickly.
"Oh come on, don't insult her like that."
"I'm sorry," he apologized, "you're a good guy, Robin."
"Thanks. Have a safe trip home."
"Bye."
-------------
After about seven beers and a pack of cigarettes Angel glanced up at the clock on the wall.
"See, I'm making you a clock watcher now, too." He smiled and answered,
"Yeah… I have to get going."
"What, you're not going to wait till at least B shows up to see us chilling together?" she joked.
"As much as I'd like to," he answered jokingly, "I've gotta get going."
"Yeah," she answered, feigning indifference. She walked him to the door, "Angel," he turned and looked at her, "thanks for coming by." He nodded,
"I'll be around again soon."
---------------
Xander walked into the apartment holding the side of his head with his hand as though it would stabilize the pain. He couldn't think straight anymore and all he could think about was going and lying down. He walked into the bedroom and Faith immediately jumped up, happy to see him. She placed the eighth beer of the night onto the floor and walked over to him and clutched his waist, kissing him lovingly. He didn't speak, unable to get himself to think that much and only motioned towards the bed, needing desperately to lie down. She felt his direction but took it the wrong way. He laid himself down on his back and took a deep breath but in a second she was hovering over him with her hair dancing across his face and her lips kissed slowly down his neck.
She knew he had been strangely quiet but the nice buzz she had gotten going and her anticipation of his return was enough to override her hunch. She continued to kiss him lovingly until he mustered up enough thought and control of himself to grab her hips and push against her. That was a signal nothing was going to be able to override. She sat up and looked down at him and immediately saw that he wasn't okay.
"Baby, are you okay?"
"Faith… can you… can you just get me some medicine?" he managed to push out.
"Yeah," she answered, feeling a surge of agonizing guilt and sadness rush through her. She hated seeing him in pain… she leaned down to give him a quick kiss before running into the kitchen to grab his medicine. She knew his head must have been really killing him when he snapped at her kiss,
"Faith, now."
"No problem," she answered, climbing off of him and walking into the kitchen quickly.
Day III
Sleep failed to find her the entire night. She felt more exhausted with every following moment. All night she had lain next to her lover just watching him; watching every breath he took and every time he would move. Nothing was more satisfying than watching the rise and fall of his chest as he laid there full of peace and content. Her muscles throbbed from soreness – it was a feeling she had become used to years ago and one that had never abandoned her. The feeling was pain but to her it was a comfort – unlike everything else in her life it was something she could always depend on.
Her mind raced with random thoughts all night; thoughts she hadn't allowed herself to think about for a very long time. Xander knew how she felt about the Mayor – she knew he had made her into a killer and gave her the encouragement she needed to now be haunted by her demons for the rest of her life. He hadn't just pointed her down the wrong path, he had paved it with gold for her, and held her hand as they walked it together.
He had been the first person to ever make her feel loved. She felt like she belonged when she was with him. Everything she did was amazing, whether it was to kill someone or to drink her milk, it was this incredible feat that needed all of the recognition in the world. And on top of that he made her feel like she didn't need to give up anything for it – even though she was being used in the most manipulated way possible, she felt like for the first time she wasn't.
She had repented for what she had done and she continued to be penitent for it all. She knew it was wrong and that everything the Mayor did for her was fake but she still loved him – she was angry for what he did to her but at the same time she didn't know anyone that she wasn't angry at so it didn't seem like that big of a deal… the whole issue confused her so she had made herself not think about it.
But last night there was something that jumped to the forefront of her thought and whether or not it was what kept her up all night, it was certainly the only thing she could think about. He told her that all she was ever looking for was love and acceptance and she was never going to find it anywhere but with him. It had taken her a long time to overcome those words and accept them as wrong – it took time, but Xander's consistency and true devotion to her had made her eventually realize how wrong he was. She knew the first part was right; all she had ever looked for was love and acceptance. She never cared if she were rich or powerful – deep down inside she knew she could be living in a closet without any food and only the clothes on her back and as long as she had someone who she knew loved her and accepted her for who she was, she'd be happy.
And now, here she was, with the most incredible man she'd ever known, and he loved her and everything about her. There were no secrets between them – a few unmentioned dark sections – but only because they hadn't gotten to them yet. He loved her and accepted everything about her… and he was dying. Whatever it was that kept her awake all night she knew she was grateful, for she didn't want to miss a single breath he took while he was still alive.
She was ripped suddenly from her pensive daydream as Xander went from completely asleep to completely awake in a state of panic. He jumped up quickly, grabbing at his chest as if to make sure he were really there. Then just as suddenly he turned towards Faith, who had jumped up as well at this point.
"Baby, are you okay?" he asked quickly, grabbing her shoulders in a panic as though she were the one in question. "Are you? Tell me… are you?" he continued to ramble.
"What?" she asked softly, trying to calm him down. She wrapped her arm around his which was still gripping her shoulder and rubbed it softly.
The look of fear flashing through her eyes halted his hysterics dead in their tracks; it was the look his panic had been trying to avoid. He took a deep breath then loosened his grip on her arms and stroked them encouragingly,
"Did you sleep okay?" She shrugged, still unable to just get over what had happened.
"What…"
"Just a bad dream," he answered, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. She knew there had been nights when she would wake up in the same fashion and he would just accept her nonchalant excuses so she tried to do the same but inside it was killing her not to know what he was going through. He saw the hesitation in her face and added, "I'm fine, Faith." She forced herself to accept it and also forced an approving smile – it came out as a half-hearted curvature of the lips, but she tried. "That's all I needed to see," he added, kissing her softly.
----------
"So what's on everyone's agenda today?" Willow asked cheerfully as they all sat around the kitchen for breakfast. Kennedy had offered to make her famous waffles and not even Faith could turn down the offer. Faith shrugged then was distracted by the blinking of the answering machine. Since all that it could possibly be for were present she pressed the play button.
"This is Larry. I was calling to send my regards to Mr. Harris but also to notify Faith that she no longer holds a position at Johnson Construction-" Faith immediately hit the delete button and the voice ceased to continue.
"I'm going to raise such hell for that bastard!" Xander stated angrily.
"Xander, don't…"
"You do your job better than anyone; that piece of shit can't fire you!"
"It's not really what I want to worry about right now, okay?" she answered, continuing to maintain a calm tone.
"Well when are you planning on worrying about it, Faith? You can't just dump the rent on Willow and Kennedy and expect-"
"I'll get a different job," she cut him off but still remained calm. "I'll work the night shift, I'm better suited for that anyway…"
"I don't want you working at-!" This time he cut himself off hearing an overbearing and overly protective part of himself in his voice. He never tamed her and he wasn't about to start acting like it now. "I'm sorry, that's not my place."
"I won't… work nights, okay?"
"It's not my place."
"Yes it is," she answered firmly. The weakness in her tone was heard by all and the conversation was dropped as though it had never begun.
Kennedy served the delicious waffles then stepped into the other room to retrieve Faith who had stepped out for a cigarette.
"They're ready."
"Awesome… I'll be right in."
"Faith," Kennedy began, looking at the look of misery that consumed her face as well as her entire body language, "can you stop looking like he's already dead? Enjoy what you have left…"
"When he's gone – you won't be able to look at me."
Xander looked across the table at Faith who had one foot resting on her chair with her knee pulled up close to her as she sipped at her coffee. The lack of sleep left her looking tired and drained but everyone knew it ran far deeper than that. He swallowed hard then looked away from her, concentrating again on his meal. He had dreamt his death last night and it wasn't that which had frightened him; it was the pain he saw in her. He didn't want to keep his life for himself anymore, he just didn't want her to lose him. He understood what all of this was going to do to her and he hated himself for it. What had woken him from his dream hadn't been the thought of him no longer being able to fill his lungs with air it was the sound of her hysterical weeping.
Everyone else thought they knew what it was like for her. They thought they knew how she was going to react and what she was going to have to go through… but they didn't. They couldn't even grasp what it was going to be like for her. They didn't know half of the things about her that he knew.
------------------
"Buffy, is everything alright?" Giles asked. She snapped out of her daze and turned towards him,
"Yeah, everything's cool."
"I umm… I have to admit, for the first time I actually understand how you feel when it comes to having a… disagreement or um… confrontation with Faith. It's much more emotionally draining than one puts credit towards."
"What do you mean?" she asked with a smile.
"Well, last night I had a so called confrontation and it's had me thinking about it all day and just every moment of it replays in my mind and everything that was said, down to the tone it was said with, is put into question… now I can truly understand how you get hung up on small spats with her."
"See why I always end up hitting her," Buffy answered jokingly.
"I probably would've lost an arm if I had taken that route," he agreed, "not that I came far from it anyway…"
"She must've been in rare form last night – usually Faith limits herself to one enemy per night… unlike her theory one men but-" Buffy allowed herself to trail off.
-------------
"Can we talk?" Xander asked, walking into the workout room. Faith was punching the suspended punching bag fiercely.
"'Bout what?" she asked, clearly not in the mood for talking. She continued to punch the bag, the intensity of the blow increasing by increments with each hit.
"To be blunt, your mother."
"To be blunt back, no."
"Faith, why are you being so stubborn about this?"
"Me? Stubborn… never!" she answered sarcastically.
"And now onto the sarcasm… I just want to know why it's such a sensitive topic."
"See, I could've forgiven it before, but you just admitted to knowing it's a sensitive topic, so now you're just being annoying."
"Mature, really… we've digressed to annoying. Faith, we don't lie to each other…"
"I'm not lying – I don't want to talk about it because that might lead to lying, so back off."
"We don't keep secrets either."
"We're not exactly the Brady Bunch neither," she answered, still increasing the blows.
"Faith, I just want to talk…"
"Well I don't!" she answered, slamming her fist into the punching bag again but this time unlike the others she pulled it back to her and practically doubled over as she grabbed it with her other hand. Xander heard the painful gasp that she would forever be denying from this day forward but he heard it and ran up to her.
"What is it?" he asked trying to grab her hand that she was holding tightly against her stomach. A rush of heat ran over her face from the pain but she clenched her teeth and tried to shake it off. She shook her head stiffly in response to his question. "Let me see it." He grabbed her arm and pulled it,
"Stop!" she yelled almost squeaking. He immediately took a step back and held his hands up,
"What'd you do?"
"I just broke it," she answered, still holding it tightly.
"Oh, I just broke it," he mocked, "you were hitting the fucking bag hard enough – of course you broke it!" He walked back up to her, "let me see it." She slowly straightened her arm and showed it to him. He held her wrist gently, "what's broken?"
"Still working on the GED, but don't worry, I'll tackle the MD tomorrow."
"Bend it." She bent it slightly than stopped with a slight cringe.
"Yeah, that's where it's broken," she muttered.
"Alright," he answered holding it gently – he said it more to keep himself calm than her. "You know, I think you're going soft in your old age."
"What?"
"Well this is just a wrist… I remember a time when you dislocated your shoulder and barely thought twice about it."
"I found a distraction," she snapped.
"Alright, let's get you to Giles. He'll know what to do."
"No, I'll be fine… I just need to give it a minute."
"Okay, you sit here and give it a minute and I'll be right back – I'm going to go call not Giles." He headed towards the door and added, "be sure to flip me off with the other hand."
"I hate you," she groaned, sticking her tongue out at him spitefully.
-------------
"So what are you going to do about it?" Buffy asked. The telephone rang and Giles picked it up,
"Hello?... Yes, of course… alright," he said hanging up the phone. "The self inflicted injuries begin…"
--------------
"This is fucking ridiculous," Faith protested as Xander gave her shoulder a final push before he quickly closed the passenger door. "I'm telling you, I just need to ice it or heat it or something and I'll be fine," she claimed as he jumped into the drivers seat.
"I want to make sure," he answered.
"It's not like it's my neck, it's just a wrist…"
"Many men might argue against that," he added sarcastically.
"That's not going to be an issue," she snapped.
"We're not going to get into that right now."
"Fine!" She propped her feet against the dashboard and cradled her hand on her stomach. "Watch Giles use this as another reason I should be on brain candy."
"Maybe he'd be right."
"Is that really what you think?" she snapped angrily.
"Faith, I just want you to be okay and he's right, you seem really angry about some stuff and-"
"I've always been angry about stuff. I've been angry about my mom for a long time before you even met me, okay? I'm pissed off at just about everybody but you know what, you fell in love with me like this, why the hell should I start popping some fucking doper pills?"
"Faith, it's just that-"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I love you – why the hell do you have to question that?"
"You saying you want me on those meds tells me you don't. If you want me to change the way I am then say it, because that's what that's going to do."
"Fine… you're right."
"No! By saying that you're saying that you don't love me the way I am – do you want me different? Because if you want me different I'll change for you but you know you always said you loved me when-"
"Faith, you're right, okay? I didn't think about it like that."
"How else is there to think about it?"
"Faith, can we just drop it. I agree with you, okay? I love you and you're right."
"Xander, there's the diff between me and B, alright – the point of everything for her is to be right. Me, I'm wrong all the time and I'm alright with that because I get to know why."
"You're being ridiculous."
"I don't care who the fuck is right! I want to know why."
"Fine!" he answered, pulling the car quickly to the side of the road and coming to an abrupt halt. Faith wasn't backed off by the aggressive attitude in the least but she was impressed that he had done it not to front anything, but actually because of what he was going to say. "You want to know why, fine! I know I've only made one promise to you and that was to never leave you. I swore to you and to myself that it would never happen – and here I am less than two years later throwing that back in your face. I'm sorry if I thought that maybe some magic pill would make it less hard for you, okay? Now you know why," he finished and before she could answer he set his focus back on the road and continued driving.
------------
"She broke her hand?" Buffy asked again, still not really believing it. "I've never broken my hand before… does this mean she really hits harder than I do?"
"What?" Giles asked, caught off guard by the question.
"You've trained with us both – who hits harder?" she asked again, stuck on the thought.
"Well…" he answered cautiously. "You've both very different techniques, I don't know if they're comparable…"
"Compare!"
"Faith's technique is to injure her opponent and then kill them… whereas yours is to just position them for the kill. You're more accurate and she's more combative…"
"So she hits harder than I do?
"Buffy, I- I hear them at the door."
----------------
Giles left Faith and Xander in the living room while he went to get some supplies to bandage Faith's wrist. Buffy voluntarily followed him out of the room leaving the two where they were seated. They seemed strangely calm when they came in – Faith was quiet and Xander only spoke a few words to Giles. Buffy had expected them to be heated when they got there; she wasn't sure why but it just seemed like they would be.
"Are you okay?" Faith asked quietly. Xander was taken slightly aback by her tone but then answered flatly,
"I'm fine."
"Of course you're fine," she muttered tiredly. She had missed sleep before – it was more of a luxury to get a full nights sleep than a notable event to not, but more than ever before for her, the last few days had been entirely draining. She had been so drained and exhausted at the end of the day that she couldn't make herself fall asleep because sleep took too much effort on her part. Many of her demons hid on the inside of her eyelids and she just didn't have the strength to fight them. That and the fact that she felt like there was this constant ticking away of time in her mind as the few precious seconds she had left with him were ticking away and nobody was noticing. She was tired and she was frustrated and over the past year and a half she had gotten used to him taking care of her when she felt this way, but now he was the cause of it and she couldn't figure out a way to let him take care of it anymore.
"Here we are," Giles said as he walked into the quiet room with all sorts of first aid supplies.
"Where'd Buffy disappear to?" Xander asked.
"Oh, she's right in the kitchen." Xander nodded than stood and walked into the kitchen leaving Faith with Giles.
"Let's have a look…"
"It's really fine. I don't know why he's spazing about it."
"Well…" Giles answered pensively, "it seems to me that you're not exactly the type of girl who allows herself to be 'taken care of' on a regular occasion… but where he has the chance, he really wants to take care of you."
"Which is why he walked away as soon as he could, huh?"
"I'd imagine he's probably feeling very guilty…"
"I know plenty about that," she muttered.
"Let's see." She held up her right hand slowly. He noted that she clearly was uncomfortable as soon as he cradled her wrist in his hand, not out of pain but just because of the touch. He glanced up at her face to see if it matched and it did; her eyes were focused rigidly on the floor away from him and her face seemed frozen in place. "Does it hurt?" he inquired, thinking maybe her discomfort was due to pain.
"No, it's fine." She took her hand away.
"It's a fairly bad break, Faith."
"Whatever, it'll be better in a day so who gives a shit?"
"How'd you break it?"
"I fell," she answered blankly.
"Xander told me you were punching…"
"Well if you knew, why the fuck are you asking?" she asked angrily, standing up from the couch.
"Faith," he answered, keeping his tone more soothing, "can you just sit and I'll wrap it up for you and-" She sat but argued,
"I don't understand why we have to be here wasting time on something that doesn't matter and-"
"How is this a waste of time? I heard you were fired… where else are you supposed to be today?" After a short moment he answered his own question – realizing that she felt like her time left with Xander was being calculated on someone else's stopwatch. "It'll only take a minute, I promise," he added, his tone completely altered.
"Promises are bullshit."
Giles wrapped her wrist quietly than left her at the couch and walked into the kitchen. Buffy took the silent cue and walked out into the living room and sat across from Faith.
"So, what's up?"
"You tell me."
"I've come to the happy conclusion that boring is a good thing when it comes to slaying."
"Sure…" Faith answered, only feigning agreement.
"Angel called last night… he heard about what's going on and wanted to check in."
"Strange."
"Why is that strange?"
"Well, that he called you."
"Why is it strange that he would call me? It would be much stranger if he called you, wouldn't it?" she asked defensively.
"No."
"What?" she snapped bitterly, her jealousy of Faith and Angel's relationship peering out. "Why not?"
"You said he was calling about Xander – update, B, me and Xander live together and we've kinda got the same phone number." Buffy was frustrated by her nonchalant tone that she was maintaining while she was having trouble staying away from hysterical. But she was also frustrated because she was completely right.
"He didn't have your number."
"Well did you give it to him?" she asked, her tone finally shifting away from equanimity.
"I was out. I didn't have it on me." She allowed that to sink in, then added, "he says hi."
------------
"Is she okay?" Xander asked.
"No."
"What do you mean, no?" he asked quickly. "Is her wrist that bad?"
"Oh, no, her wrist should be fine by tomorrow."
"Then why is she not okay?"
"She's holding it together but she's working really hard to do so. I think she's starting to actually realize what's going on with you but she's reluctant to accept it."
"Why are you saying all of this?"
"Are you two fighting a lot?"
"We always fight… if we weren't then there would be a problem. We fight about what's wrong and then it's over with and then we make that better. We don't hold it in so it becomes a big deal. That's how we work," he explained. Giles nodded,
"I know, you two are very unique," he smiled, "but just make sure you two are spending some time together when you're not fighting about something."
"I know," he answered with a nod.
"You better go get her," Giles suggested.
"Yeah, her and Buffy in a room together right now is definitely a bad idea."
"Yes," he agreed, "but she's becoming overly aware of the time factor also." Xander nodded in understanding then turned towards the living room and began to walk away, "Xander…"
"Yes?" he stopped and turned back towards Giles,
"Xander, death is something that is very hard to deal with… I know you're going through something that's extremely difficult in every way imaginable. But it's important to understand that… well, the person dying has a hard time, but those left behind have a far more difficult task." He nodded and answered,
"I don't think I would ever be able to handle this if it were the other way around… you know, there's a piece of me that's almost glad it's this way."
"Ready to go?" Xander asked lightly as he walked back into the living room. She stood up and walked towards the door without a word and he could tell there hadn't been pleasant words exchanged between the two slayers – big surprise. "See you later, Buffy."
"I'll see you tonight."
They walked out the door, Xander following Faith until she stopped dead in her tracks and Xander almost bumped into her.
"Where are you going tonight?" He placed a hand on her lower back and got her to continue walking to the car – he didn't want to make a scene right outside of the door.
"Willow made reservations at Evan's and it's where we are going tonight." He opened the car door for her and she got in with a huff. He went around and got into the driver's seat and started the car.
"You like the food at Evan's," he encouraged with a smile.
"We had dinner with everyone last night."
"Yeah…" he answered hesitantly, not wanting to bring up again they there were only so many nights he had left. "Wood wanted to come and he sparked the idea and I would've said no but you really liked the food at Evan's the last time we went…" he explained.
"Yeah…" she muttered. He looked over at her but her gaze was fixed away from him and out of her window.
"It'll be fun," he added, seeing that she wasn't convinced.
"Why couldn't you guys go out to lunch or something?"
"I understand the whole not being allowed to wear the same shirt two days in a row thing you taught me about but I must've missed the memo that dinner was in that same category," he answered jokingly.
"I miss you," she admitted quietly.
"We're together right now, Faith… I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just don't understand what you're talking about."
"Never mind," she answered. Her tone sounded snappy to him but it was really just an on the spot cover as her throat clenched when she began to speak.
"Faith, we can have sex during the day too, it's not limited to around dinner time, don't worry," he answered, his tone feigning levity.
"Fuck you!" she answered angrily, "that's not what I'm fucking talking about."
"Then what are you talking about?"
"We used to just relax and hang out… we'd just chill… just me and you and it was so nice and we-"
"I'm sorry if my dropping dead is ruining our down time but I thought you liked Evan's and I thought the party girl liked going out and it would be fun." She could barely get herself to take another breath but she was far from being able to answer him. He glanced away from the road for a moment and over to her and saw she was staring rigidly out of her window again. "You want to talk about us not having any time to spend together but here we are, together, and you make it a fight." He glanced over at her again and she remained unmoved. "Faith?"
She didn't answer him and he looked over at her again at a stop sign. In front of them he noticed a couple in their late twenties each holding one hand to a little boy that appeared to be their son as they crossed the street. The kid was skipping happily between them and both the woman and the man were smiling and agreeing with something the child was talking about.
"Are you crying?" he asked, demanding to know.
"I'm not fucking crying," she lied, "can you just drive so we can go home." He drove forward for a moment then pulled the car over to the side and got out of the car. He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair in frustration as he walked around the car muttered to himself,
"Pull yourself together and stop being such an asshole, Xander."
He walked over to the passenger side of the car, surprising her, because she didn't know where else to face to cover the fact that she was more than just crying. He opened her door and she turned, facing forward.
"Xander, get back in the car and just drive me home."
"Why so you can beat the shit out of the wall with your left hand? Or maybe have a few beers and go to sleep and pretend nothing's going on… and don't forget, you need to smoke a few packs too."
"What do you want me to do?" she asked almost helplessly as she stopped herself in the middle of pulling a cigarette out of the box.
"I want you to turn around and look at me! I know you're fucking crying and I know it's my fault – I'm being an asshole and I made you upset. Turn around and look at me!" She wiped her eyes off quickly then turned partially towards him with new tears already wetting her eyes. He grabbed her legs by her knees and pulled them around so she was facing out of the door and directly at him.
"Can we just go home?"
"No we can't just go home. I made you upset and I'm not going to just leave it like that so you can hate me all day. Faith, look at me!" he demanded. She turned her face towards him again but her stomach felt like it was being torn apart. The trucks height had her eyelevel slightly above his as he stood in front of her. "I hate this. I hate that everything we have has to be over even though neither of us want it to be. I almost wish I'd just die right now so I don't have to see everything I'm putting you through."
"Xander, I don't want to do this right now, okay?" she asked, her tone begging him to just pretend nothing was happening.
"I'm not going to pretend like nothing's wrong, Faith, because obviously you're doing that and you're still upset right now, so it doesn't work."
"Stop it," she pleaded, the tears still flowing from her eyes. She tried to turn away from him again but he held her legs firmly and looked up at her obdurately.
"Faith, I love you. Listen to me!" he demanded her focus, "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I let you fall in love with the wrong guy. I'm sorry that I'm putting this on you, I really am."
"Xander, stop!"
"I'm sorry that I'm fucking this up for the both of us, okay? I wish a lot of things were different. You know the day I went into the doctor? Yeah, well that was the day I was going to ask you to marry me and be mine forever. I wanted to marry you… yeah, stupid me, I even went and got the ring!" he pulled a small velvet box out of his jacket pocket and held it up as proof. "I wanted you to be my wife forever and I wanted you to be the girl who had my kid or kids even… okay? I wanted to have a family with you and I wanted to take care of you and be with you and make you happy for the rest of your life. Okay? I wanted all of those things for us and now neither of us gets to have them because of me. I wanted to be old and still holding the most beautiful girl I'd ever met in my arms at night."
Faith was struggling so much to breathe that stifling her tears wasn't something she could be concerned with. They flowed like rapids down her cheeks as she tried to make herself keep looking at him. Xander's voice was cracking at every other word but he continued to spill his heart out.
"Xander…" she managed to get herself to say as she put her hands on top of his on her legs. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I know you Faith, I can see it in you already. After I'm gone you're going to find some way to deny that I loved you – you'll find some way to deny to yourself that anyone wanted you forever and that I couldn't have loved you like you thought. Well I do. I love you more than you'll ever understand and I don't want you to forget that, or to make yourself forget that." He raised his hands and cupped her face gently, "I love you."
She nodded and he leaned forward and cautiously touched his lips to hers, unsure of whether she would be put off by all that he had said and needed to be left alone. She pulled away from his kiss slightly and he immediately pulled back and let go of her, understanding by now how she worked. She wiped her tears with her left hand then raised it to his face and caressed his cheek with her thumb.
He could see in her face that she was still absorbing everything he had said to her. He was right about the fact that that evil side of her personality would immediately – if it hadn't started already – challenge the integrity of their relationship and all the things she believed were a part of it. He moved his head to the side where her hand was still perched so that his lips now touched her hand. He kissed her hand lovingly then added,
"Now that I'm done with my little mental breakdown, we can go home." Her expression was drained and her face was still broken from crying but with the grin that followed his words she immediately brightened. "I just needed you to know that I really love you… even if I do act like an asshole sometimes." She finally gave him the smile he had been waiting for and he smiled happily back. She turned in her seat and he closed her door for her and walked around the car. He got into the driver's seat again and started the car and as he was pulling out of the parking spot and back onto the road he felt her move over on the bench seat and rest her head on his shoulder while wrapping her arms around his right arm.
A few minutes later when they were about half way between Giles' house and their own he added,
"I love you."
"I know," she answered with a smile.
"Just wanted to make sure you remembered."
"I swear I won't forget."
"Guess what… I love you."
"You're such a dork."
"See, it's true – all of the dorks do end up with the hot girls."
"Damn, I am hot, aren't I?" she answered, turning the rear view mirror towards her to look at her own reflection.
"Very."
------------------
Kennedy walked into the apartment looking completely wiped out. She dragged herself to the kitchen in search of some highly caffeinated beverage and saw Xander waiting by the microwave.
"Lemme guess, she sent you out for popcorn."
"Right again," he admitted.
"So if she's trusting you with the popcorn, you two must be doing a little better than you were this morning."
"Yeah, we had a little talk today."
"A talk," she answered skeptically.
"Yeah, you know, one of those very professional, quiet, unemotional talks where you sit in one of those big offices across a desk from each other decked out in suits…" he explained.
"Cursing, screaming, crying…"
"Pretty much," he answered with a smile.
"But you're on popcorn duty now so I guess it turned out alright."
"Yeah," he answered as the microwave beeped, finished with the popcorn.
"You two are way too perfect for each other," she joked, burying her head in the fridge.
"Want some popcorn?"
"Faith would kick my ass if I stole her popcorn."
"Better you than me," he joked, walking out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. He presented the bowl of popcorn on the bed beside her then sprawled himself out next to her, wrapping his arm around her waist.
"I love you," he reminded again. It had been their little game throughout the day.
"I love you too," she answered kissing him.
"Kennedy was trying to steal your popcorn," he joked.
"She knows better." He kissed all over her shoulder as she watched the TV and ate her popcorn.
"We should start getting ready. You want the first shower?"
"Would you hate me if I didn't go?"
"Why wouldn't you come? I mean, you're my girlfriend and-"
"I'm just not really in the mood for a whole social thing right now." He continued to hold her and then suggested,
"I could not go… and we could just hang out…"
"I don't think you can cancel on your own dinner, as much as I'd like you to."
"You'd be surprised," he joked, "this whole dying thing comes with its privileges."
"That's not funny," she answered flatly.
"Then why are you trying not to smile?" he asked as he grabbed her ribs and tickled her.
"Because… you're… an… asshole…" she managed to get out as she wriggled away from him and finally made it to her feet off of the bed.
"Oh, my darling sweetheart," he answered jokingly.
"Shut up," she laughed, sitting back down on the bed cautiously. He moved over to her on the bed, standing on his knees, and wrapped his arms around her waist and arms and kissed her neck playfully. He made loud, childish kissing sounds as he did so and worked his way up to her cheek dramatically then stopped suddenly and looked at her,
"You're so cute when you're pissed off," he joked, then stole a kiss from her lips.
"Oh, go take a shower, you smell," she answered, playfully pushing him away.
-----------------
"So how fancy is Evan's?" Kennedy asked Willow.
"I talked to Buffy about it… it's not really fancy but she suggested we get prettied up. It's nice to have somewhere to go and have to look nice," she added with a smile.
"Just wish it was for a better occasion."
"What's wrong with the occasion?" Willow asked defensively, "it's a bunch of friends, getting together to just see each other and-"
"Wil, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? See, I'm fine." Kennedy walked over to her lover and made her look her in the eye,
"Baby, do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what? Everything's fine and-"
"Willow, you're best friend is dying… everything isn't just fine and it's okay for you to not be just fine."
"There's no point to getting all ugly and upset about it. That doesn't fix it or change anything."
"It'll make you feel better and at some point you're going to have to show how you're feeling and if that's 'ugly' and 'upset' that's okay."
"I'm not like Faith – I'm not going to be all crabby and upset in front of him. I don't think that's right. I think with the little time we have left with Xander everything should be happy and normal and… not crabby."
"I see what you're saying, Baby, but… well, Faith's like that because she knows how explosive and dangerous she gets when she keeps all of that inside of her… Willow, I'm worried about you too. She's a Slayer and I've heard how fucking scary she can get but you're up there too, Baby, you're a powerful Wicca and if you keep everything pent up inside then who knows."
"I don't want to make Xander have to deal with me being upset. It's not his job to make me feel better, it's my job to make him feel better," she explained firmly.
"Then I'll be here to make you feel better," Kennedy stated.
----------------
Xander walked out of the bathroom where a pair of boxers and toweling off his hair as he walked. Faith was lying on the bed watching TV before he came out but the show – lacking anything interesting to watch – quickly became unnoticed. She had had something running through her mind since their 'little talk' earlier and she wasn't sure if she should bring it up, or even if she should, how she would go about it, but she thought she owed it to him to be upfront with it.
"Hey," she said getting his attention.
"What's up?" he asked, turning from the closet to her.
"I've got a weird question…"
"What is it?" he asked with a smile, amused that she seemed embarrassed about whatever it was she was going to ask. She sat up on the bed, facing him still, and asked, her tone surprisingly serious,
"Are you still going to ask me to marry you?" He felt like he had been thrown backward by her question, catching him completely off guard. A pensive expression immediately took over his face and he began to shuffle through some folded shirts in the drawer.
"Umm…" he answered several moments later, only to assure her that he had heard her question and was actually thinking about it.
"Sorry," she apologized, uncomfortable with the silence. "That's not something I should ask. Forget it," she added, giving him an out.
"Faith," he answered pensively, as though she hadn't said anything since her initial question, "why would I do that to you?" She looked at him with surprise,
"What do you mean?"
"Why would I make you a widow when you're not even close to being twenty-five?" She shrugged,
"I don't know… I just…" she tried to answer without showing the slight disappointment – which even she didn't completely understand – in her tone.
"Baby, how do you know a year, five years, ten years down the road you're not going to meet someone who makes you really happy and you want to have a family with? Why are you going to make him number two if he doesn't have to be?"
"Xander, why can't you get this? There isn't going to be anyone else."
"You saying that really upsets me," he answered firmly, if not a little angrily.
"Why does that piss you off-"
"You want to know why? Because to me that's saying, 'hey Xander, you just fucked up her entire life because now she's going to feel guilty if she's not faithful to some dead guy!' That's why it pisses me off."
"Xander, do you realize how rare it is that I can be with someone? Like really with someone that I love and care about and can actually say that to them?"
"You never know, now that you've done it once it might be easier…"
"Xander!" she stated almost yelling, feeling like he wasn't hearing a word she was saying. "Where am I going to find someone who's known me since I was sixteen, knows what I do and what slaying is all about that I won't have to keep secrets from, and who's known me through the good and all of the bad?"
"You being so closed to the idea of finding someone makes that harder…"
"Xander I don't want anyone else!"
"You don't know that…"
"Xander, I've been with a lot of men… more than you'd ever want to hear about," she admitted, "and being with them never felt like what it feels like to be with you. When I'm with you it's completely different and I can't have that with anyone else… it's just not going to happen. Believe me, I was shocked that after all of the meaningless sex I've had, that I would actually be able to find someone that made it mean something and made it actually different for me. Not only am I not going to be able to have that with anyone else, I can't go back to it being meaningless either. The thought of having anyone but you touch me makes me sick… it's not fun, it's not sexy… it's not something I want anymore."
"Listen, we obviously don't agree on this. But I just want you to know that after I'm gone, I want you to do whatever makes you happy and I don't want you feeling guilty about anything because you feel like you're doing it against me. If it's something that'll make you happy I want you to do it. Don't feel guilty…"
"Xander, I feel guilt every time I take a breath because I know I don't deserve it."
"Don't say that to me."
"I've hurt so many people and fucked up so badly that… I just don't understand why I'm not the one who only has a few days left. I deserve to be sick and-"
"Faith, stop it."
"You've never done anything wrong! I'm a loser… I'm a killer… I'm a burnout… you name it, if it's bad, I'm it. I deserve to be given a week, not you. There are so many fucking pieces of shit walking around that don't have to worry about anything and you're the one who Caleb hurts and now you're the one who's sick? I just don't fucking get it…"
"It's not something you're supposed to understand. When it's your time it's your time…"
"But it's not your time."
--------------
"Wow!" Xander exclaimed as he stood at the door to the apartment and Kennedy and Willow exited their bedroom, finally ready to leave. "You two look incredible! I'm suddenly feeling very underdressed."
"You look really nice," Willow answered.
"Shall we?" he offered jokingly as he opened the front door.
"Where's Faith?" Kennedy asked quickly.
"She's not coming," he answered, almost a little curtly.
"Why?"
"She had a rough day and… I don't think she wants to deal with Buffy."
---------------
Faith had been staring at the clock since he had walked out of the door hours earlier. She even found herself pacing the floor a couple of times and needed to force herself to stop.
"I'm like a fucking junkie going through withdrawal," she accused herself. "I am so fucking pathetic!" She threw the television remote control onto the floor and walked into the kitchen. She lit a cigarette as she walked and exhaled it with a tired sigh. She opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, then heard a loud knock at the door. She held the beer in the same hand as her cigarette by the neck and answered the door without hesitation and an air of insolence. All of that evaporated as soon as she saw the tall, dark featured, quiet Angel standing outside of the door. She faltered only for a second but it was more than long enough for both of them to notice.
"Angel."
"Hello, Faith," he greeted, his voice was warm but he remained standing perfectly still.
"Come on in," she added backing up a few steps to give him room to walk into the apartment. After a second she realized she was only wearing a pair of – very short – boy shorts and a tank top. She tugged at the bottom of her shorts hoping to make them cover at least half of her butt…
"I see you're taking care of yourself," he said sardonically, eyeing her hand holding both a cigarette and a beer. She held them both carefully in her hurt hand, paying it only a small amount of attention, but for Angel, he was paying it much more.
"You know me," she answered, turning and walking into the kitchen. He followed her quietly, "so how've you been?"
"Busy… but I heard about Xander. How's he feeling?"
"He's been okay," she answered quickly then took a long pull on her beer.
"Well, then how have you been?" She looked at him skeptically then took a drag of her cigarette as though it were stupid he was even asking – of course she was fine. "Faith?" he pushed at her silence.
"I'm five by five," she answered pompously.
"I see that," he answered, motioning again at the beer and cigarette. "Where's everyone else?"
"They went out to eat…"
"You're not eating anymore?" he asked, glancing downward at her hardly covered legs.
"No… it's just… honestly, I just wasn't in the mood for…"
"For what?"
"I'm a little dinner-ed out…"
"Was Buffy going by any chance?"
"Listen…" she snapped, "I can't even begin to deal with B right now."
"Yeah, I got that feeling when I talked to her."
"Yeah, she was sure to bring up the fact that she talked to you." He shook his head,
"For someone so remarkable and wise she sure can be a little kid, huh?"
"Little kid… piece of shit… pain in the fucking ass… however you want to put it, really…" she answered without completely joking.
"You two still get along that well, huh?"
"You know me; I just love being talked to like a worthless waste of space." She walked over to the sink and quickly ran the butt of the cigarette under the water then tossed it in the garbage can. "I was um… just laughing at myself before because…" she hesitated, instantly embarrassed at what she was openly admitting but then realized she was too far into it to back out so she decided to play it off with confidence, "well, I haven't stopped watching the clock since he left… I'm going to be in some state next week, huh?" With that thought still ambient in the air she took the final gulp of her beer and quickly retrieved another from the fridge.
"I wanted to talk to you about that… I know LA's not exactly a place full of good times for you but if you need some space from everything you're welcome to stay over with me."
"That's really nice of you but I don't see myself doing much traveling in the near future."
"What do you see yourself doing?"
"Well… Angel, I'm not the mopping type, you know… but then again, I'm not really the clock watching type either," she concluded, lighting another cigarette quickly. She took a quick hit then exhaled and added, "I… I don't… never mind."
"Faith, talk to me." She exhaled another puff of smoke and answered,
"Honestly, I don't see myself being able to talk myself into getting out of bed. This isn't something I'm going to just be able to hold down and ignore."
"I don't want you to," he assured her. In a sudden moment she added,
"Angel, I hate her."
"Buffy? Well, Faith, you two haven't been good for a long time and-"
"Jealous, sure… envy, all the time… angry, no doubt, but Angel, I've never hated her like this before. It's crazy, I know – but hey – I'm not exactly the picture of sanity over here. I don't know, I just feel like… like every time I get something that I actually care about and something that I have that's mine… she always ends up being behind why I lose it."
"Faith, this is hard, I know…"
"I don't need someone else telling me how hard this is all going to be, okay? I get it… news update, it's already too hard for me to deal with."
"I'm sorry," he answered honestly. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Faith, and looking at all of the people in my circle of friends, that's quite a compliment. But I came out here because I needed to see that you were okay because I realize how this is going to be for you."
"Angel, you know how I feel about you," she said placing the second empty beer bottle in the garbage, "and we both know how much you've done for me and how much I need you." All of these things were things they both knew and were both comfortable stating but then she added, "Angel, I can't live without him. I've never felt this way about anyone before… Angel…" suddenly her expression sank and she just let out a sigh that seemed like it might soon be a sob.
"Talk to me."
"Did you know he was going to ask me to marry him?" Without even realizing it his face lit up with excitement but then quickly died down again, "and did you know I would've said yes."
"Yeah?"
"In a second… I don't have to explain what we have to you – you know how happy he makes me. He was really upset today and we were driving and he stopped and came over and told me that he was going to ask me and he told me how much he loved me… and he told me he wanted to have a family with me…"
"Faith, I'm so sorry."
"He said he told me all of that because he didn't want me to pretend what we had wasn't real after he's gone… the bastard knows me way too well. But you know, a part of me really thanks him for that but another part of me wishes he had left me that little land of denial."
"Hey, when do you plan on slowing down with those?" he asked as she finished off the third beer.
"When they're all finished," she answered quickly. "I am also letting you know that next week I'm going to be in a drunken stupor for probably several days if not weeks…" she joked.
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"Well I still think it's really shitty that Faith didn't come with you, Xander," Buffy continued. "I mean this is your night and she's your… girlfriend, isn't she? I mean granted Faith isn't really the "girlfriend" type but-"
"Actually she is," he cut her off. He had finally grown tired of the small jabs she had been throwing at Faith in her absence. That was one of the things he admired most about Faith – although she quarreled with Buffy on a regular basis, anything she had to say about her she said to her face, and when Buffy wasn't around, rarely did she bring it up unless it was something that was really bothering her. "And as Faith explained it to me before I left, to her, every night is my night." Kennedy couldn't help but grin as she stared down at her plate trying to keep a straight face.
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"What'd you do to your wrist?" Angel inquired. He sat on a chair by the kitchen table looking up at her sitting on the countertop.
"I fell." He let out a laugh then quickly regained himself,
"You're full of shit."
"Why doesn't anyone believe that one?" she asked with a smile.
"I've seen you fucking piss drunk and you're not anywhere close to falling down."
"Just you wait to see me next week, I'll be took drunk to even stand up let alone give myself the chance to fall down," she joked.
"What'd you hit?" She laughed in disbelief,
"Am I really that predictable? Please, I think it's time to kill me."
"I'm going to pretend that's your sense of humor coming back and not your suicidal tendencies," he joked.
"I think both of those things kind of run hand in hand when it comes to me." He thought about it for a moment then laughed a little,
"Yeah, you're right."
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"Xander, are you alright?" Giles asked quietly as to not interrupt the rest of the tables conversation. He had noticed him looking increasingly uncomfortable and squinting his eyes in the past half hour.
"My head's actually starting to bother me a little bit," he admitted slightly. Really he wanted to say that every thirty seconds it was feeling like someone was hitting him in the back of the head with a two by four but he didn't want to raise more concern to everyone than necessary.
"Did you bring any of the prescription?"
"No, I left it at home… I'm not really into this whole routine yet."
"Do you need to go?" Xander shook his head showing that he wanted to stay but as he moved his head back and forth the pain settled in, take away the thirty second interval between hits.
"Maybe I should call it a night." By this point everyone had seen his discomfort and had ceased their conversation. "Thanks for dinner everybody." They were all concerned but Wood offered to walk him out to the car and then later give Willow and Kennedy a ride home.
"So how are things with you and Faith?" Wood inquired with concern as they walked out to the car.
"Trying out for the rebound position?" Xander asked quickly.
"Oh come on, don't insult her like that."
"I'm sorry," he apologized, "you're a good guy, Robin."
"Thanks. Have a safe trip home."
"Bye."
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After about seven beers and a pack of cigarettes Angel glanced up at the clock on the wall.
"See, I'm making you a clock watcher now, too." He smiled and answered,
"Yeah… I have to get going."
"What, you're not going to wait till at least B shows up to see us chilling together?" she joked.
"As much as I'd like to," he answered jokingly, "I've gotta get going."
"Yeah," she answered, feigning indifference. She walked him to the door, "Angel," he turned and looked at her, "thanks for coming by." He nodded,
"I'll be around again soon."
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Xander walked into the apartment holding the side of his head with his hand as though it would stabilize the pain. He couldn't think straight anymore and all he could think about was going and lying down. He walked into the bedroom and Faith immediately jumped up, happy to see him. She placed the eighth beer of the night onto the floor and walked over to him and clutched his waist, kissing him lovingly. He didn't speak, unable to get himself to think that much and only motioned towards the bed, needing desperately to lie down. She felt his direction but took it the wrong way. He laid himself down on his back and took a deep breath but in a second she was hovering over him with her hair dancing across his face and her lips kissed slowly down his neck.
She knew he had been strangely quiet but the nice buzz she had gotten going and her anticipation of his return was enough to override her hunch. She continued to kiss him lovingly until he mustered up enough thought and control of himself to grab her hips and push against her. That was a signal nothing was going to be able to override. She sat up and looked down at him and immediately saw that he wasn't okay.
"Baby, are you okay?"
"Faith… can you… can you just get me some medicine?" he managed to push out.
"Yeah," she answered, feeling a surge of agonizing guilt and sadness rush through her. She hated seeing him in pain… she leaned down to give him a quick kiss before running into the kitchen to grab his medicine. She knew his head must have been really killing him when he snapped at her kiss,
"Faith, now."
"No problem," she answered, climbing off of him and walking into the kitchen quickly.