Too Soon
Day IV
Xander resisted being pulled away from the sleep he had finally managed to find by the painful throbbing in his head. He held his eyes closed until he finally couldn't anymore. With a sigh he slowly opened his eyes and what he saw momentarily numbed the pain. He didn't feel her near him but he had just instinctually assumed that she was further away from him on the bed so she wasn't touching him. When he opened his eyes he saw her sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs to hold them as she rested her chin on her knees.
He blinked a few times to rid his vision of the fuzzy sleepiness and to get a more defined picture of her in front of him. Her hair was loose and most of it fell to one side because of the way her head was resting on her knee. As he blinked a couple more times he saw that her face was completely exhausted showing that after he had fallen asleep she hadn't. In fact, he remembered suddenly, that was exactly where she was sitting when she handed him the medicine and he went to sleep. He tried to keep himself from blinking anymore, not wanting anymore painful details, but unable to resist, he blinked again and the redness of her eyes became clear to him. She was exhausted and she had probably been crying for the majority of the night – and he had just slept through it.
With that realization and a few more blinks he was reminded again of the constant throbbing in his head. The blinking ceased and he just squinted painfully – it wasn't as bad as it was last night but the medicine was definitely wearing off.
"Do you want some more medicine? That's probably worn off, right?" The tone of her voice ripped him apart more than the fatal pain in his head.
"You've been counting Mississippi's all night?" he joked, needing to feel like he was making it better for her rather than worse. He was sure the lack of sleep was why he didn't receive any laughter and it had nothing to do with the quality of his joke.
"I'll go grab some," she answered quietly, moving for the first time in hours. He would've argued with that, not wanting her to leave, but the throbbing reminded him that it was probably for the best that she was going to get his meds. As she left the room he turned his head slowly to the side and saw the clock beside their bed – it was five in the morning.
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Faith walked into the kitchen barely still conscious and probably not entirely so. She was thankful that she didn't have the energy to think about what was going on – she kind of appreciated the zombie-like state she was in at the moment. She walked over to the drawer with the meds in it and began rumbling through the bottles,
"You're up early," Willow greeted quietly as she walked into the kitchen with a thick book, ready to begin her morning routine.
"I like to think of it as up late," she answered in a mumble.
"You looking for a morning fix or is something wrong?"
"Very funny," she answered, entirely un-amused.
"Is he okay?"
"Oh yeah," she answered sarcastically, "he's just peachy." Willow took a deep breath to keep herself from taking Faith too seriously this early in the morning. As scary as the thought was, this was an improvement for Faith's morning attitude.
"Are you okay?" she asked, judging by the look of her that she certainly was not.
"What the fuck do you care?" she snapped as she poured a few pills into her hand. Willow felt that intimidated little girl feeling creeping up inside of her – a feeling she concluded only Faith could still make her feel – but she maintained herself and pressed it back down seeing that Faith definitely hadn't slept last night and probably not since she had heard the news. Xander had talked to her about it on more than one occasion how Faith was a bad sleeper and she had to assume that 'bad' was probably an understatement the last couple of days.
She sat quietly at the kitchen table and just watched Faith patiently. She reached for a pack of cigarettes lying on the counter and quickly realized it was empty. Willow found herself anticipating the inevitable outburst that was about to happen. Holding the empty pack Faith took a deep breath and as she exhaled she crumpled the carton in her fist. The rush of emotions running through her were undeniable – she quickly released the pack and reached for a glass and began to fill it with water for Xander.
Willow had a hunch that she was even crying. It wasn't a concluded hypothesis but as Faith quickly wiped her face with her wet hand from the sink she accepted it as true.
"Fai-" Willow began, unable to discard her concern. She was cut off by the fumble of the cup of water in Faith's hand that she dropped back into the sink accidentally. Willow remained silent – Faith hadn't thrown the cup in anger but either her being so distracted or so exhausted is what made her lose her coordination and drop it. She forced herself to take another deep breath – one that from Willow's view looked almost jagged and painful. She picked up the cup and refilled it with water then without another word exited the kitchen.
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Despite the throbbing in his head Xander smiled happily upon her return. She walked up to the side of the bed and handed him the pills and then – carefully – the glass of water. He noticed how quietly she did everything and it kind of bothered him; Faith wasn't really the quiet type. He actually expected her to be joking about something like how much he was going to have to pay her to get up this early and go get him water…
"Thanks," he said taking the pills and quickly swallowing them down. He knew if he wasn't looking so hard he would've missed the minute curvature of the corner of her mouth in response – it was almost a smile. She climbed back onto the bed and returned to her sitting spot where she had been all night. She had watched him toss and turn in pain all night, squinting and turning his head. "Come here," he said, placing the empty glass onto the floor beside the bed.
"Do you feel better?" she asked without moving at all.
"It'll kick in in a few minutes," he answered with a smile. He was making himself downplay his headache because he could see how stressed she was and even if he couldn't make it better for her – since she didn't let him – he certainly wasn't going to make it any worse.
"That's good," she muttered with a slight smile. He had gotten to know her over the years and he could tell in moments such as these, when she was close to crying or being emotional in any way she tried to not make any real facial expressions because it seemed that any expression at all – even a smile – might jump start her into the emotions that were really building up behind it all. He sat up in the bed, resting his back against the backboard of the bed and held his hand out to her. She met it with hers and their softly entangled fingers lay on the bed covers quietly.
"Come here," he repeated softly.
"I'm okay," she assured him, "why don't you close your eyes and get some rest… you're probably still really tired and-"
"Speaking of which, why don't you come here and lie down and get some rest yourself." She hesitantly moved over to him and through his guidance, he laid her down right beside him with her head resting against his chest. He held her with his arms firmly and allowed himself to keep time by the hot breath against his skin; as the skin cooled from the breath it was met again by another. "I'll wake you up if you fall asleep," he promised, knowing for some unknown reason that she didn't want to be asleep.
"I won't," she answered. He knew she was… stubborn was a good word for it, but he also knew that there was more behind her not sleeping lately.
"It's okay if you do, you know?" She shook her head and answered,
"I'm okay."
"You can't live off of that coma sleep forever, Faith," he added playfully. She lifted her head slowly from his chest and kissed his jaw by his throat tenderly.
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"And where have you been?" Dawn asked with a grin as her sister finally walked through the front door to their apartment. Buffy jumped slightly at the unexpected greeting right through the door.
"Dawn, why are you awake?"
"Well, most people wake up around seven o'clock…"
"Umm… yeah," Buffy answered, pushing past Dawn and walking into the apartment.
"So where'd you go last night?"
"Dawn, go away," she snapped.
"So it was that bad, huh?"
"You know," she snapped, "you really need to stop spending so much time around Faith. I really don't think-"
"You showing up at seven in the morning seems to me that maybe you're the one who needs to stop spending time around her," she giggled.
"Dawn, I don't want to hear it."
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He ran his fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face gently, then brought her lips from his chin to his lips. She kissed him gently, almost afraid to hurt him as if he were a doll made out of fragile china. He lowered his hands down to her hips and slid her from next to him to on top of him and pressed her firmly down against him. Her kisses instantly became deeper and stronger but he maintained the very slow pace.
Xander held her lower back firmly with one hand and brought the other up to her cheek, which he held lovingly as he kissed her. The slow pace was something different for them – they had tried to keep it slow before, but this was bordering too slow for foreplay, but both of them were left yearning for the other between each kiss. She brought her hands up to his face and cupped it gently as she kissed him and he took his hand and stroked her arm slowly surprised that he was able to bring himself away from running his fingers through her hair. There was something about that for him – there was something very tender about kissing her and touching her hair.
On a final stroke, he brought his hand up to her shoulder then allowed it to trace her body slowly back down over her breast. He followed her shirt down to the bottom then did a sit up with his upper body, bringing her slowly up with him without ever breaking their kiss. Still holding her back with one hand he pulled her shirt up as far as he could with his other hand. She raised her arms over her head as she parted her lips from his. She smiled softly at him as she looked at him – almost innocently – and he pulled her shirt over her head.
They both paused, even in their breath, as the locked eyes with each other. They were pressed against each other firmly except for their lips which were parted by a few small inches. The moment erupted several memories for both of them but the most relevant was the thought of how far their relationship had come with each other. The fact that Faith could actually stop in the middle of foreplay and look into her lovers face was monumental for both of them. She looked into his face with the usual tender, loving expression except it lacked the usual glow, which was replaced by an unwanted understanding. Still keeping his gaze locked with hers, Xander lowered his lips to her shoulder and kissed it softly. She smiled slightly then pulled her lower lip in between her teeth pensively. He squeezed her waist then kissed her lower lip, pulling it into his mouth instead of hers.
She kissed him again as she found the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up, waiting to stop the kiss until the shirt separated them. He held her bare waist with his hands as he lowered himself back down onto the bed. A shiver went through her body as he slid his hands from her waist under the waistband of her shorts. He paused to make sure it was a good shiver then once he was assured by her pulling him into another kiss he slid them down.
She slid up on him taking a deep breath while still kissing him.
"I love you," she promised as he slid his pants off.
"Faith, I…" he lost his voice as she slid down onto him. Pressed down on him she pulled him into another kiss. He pulled her closer to him by holding her hips firmly and guiding her over him rhythmically.
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Giles walked quietly from his kitchen into his study holding a cup of tea. He sat down behind his desk and glanced down at one of the drawers then back up again. He swiveled the chair slightly in both directions a handful of times than glanced back down at the same drawer. He hesitated then finally opened the drawer and took out an unmarked manila folder. He laid it flat in front of him then after taking a few sips of tea he opened it.
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He held her tightly as she lowered her head to rest it on his chest. He felt her still shaking softly as she laid there – trying to act as though she wasn't. He noticed her slowly regaining her breath. When she did he still felt small shudders going through her body. He knew it had nothing to do with being cold but he gently slid her to lying next to him and pulled a sheet up over her.
Xander repositioned himself next to her so that their eyes were exactly at the same point and he began to stroke her cheek affectionately.
"Baby, are you alright?" he asked as soon as he saw a tear slowly fall down her cheek and leave an unmistakable shine on it. She nodded but more tears followed their predecessors and he wasn't convinced by the weak nod. "What's wrong?" he asked holding her face with one of his hands.
"Nothing," she answered in a tone that did nothing but heighten his suspicions.
"Well, you see, I'm concerned because you're kind of crying," he answered sarcastically. She wiped the tears away from her face as though him informing her was the first thing that made her realize it was true. "Was it really that bad?" he asked, "I mean I've had woman run away screaming but never have I driven them to sobbing…"
"No, it was good."
"And you're crying why?"
"Because it was really nice," she answered. He quickly understood the tears and kissed her,
"I love you."
"I could tell," she answered, the tears beginning to flow again.
"Baby…"
"Just hold me," she answered pulling his arms around her.
"As long as I have left," he answered, "I'll hold you." He felt her stiffen as he said that, making her have to realize how limited that time frame was.
"I need you longer than that."
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"So what are we doing today?" Kennedy asked energetically.
"I don't know," Willow answered with a soft smile.
"Anything with Xander?"
"Maybe later tonight… all I know is that he's got a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Maybe we could meet him somewhere…"
"Why don't we go out drinking or something?" Willow flashed her a skeptical look and she added, "it's something Faith would want to do."
"Oh," she answered sarcastically, "so I'm sure Faith would really enjoy having you as the designated driver."
"Very funny!" Kennedy answered.
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"Where are you going?" Faith asked quickly as soon as Xander began to motion towards getting up.
"I think I was just going to go to the bathroom," he answered. He tried to hide his smile at her anxiety but then added glancing at the clock, "I actually need to get ready to go."
"Where?"
"Didn't I tell you?" he asked, seeing in her expression that he didn't want to bring this up. She continued with her blank stare and he added, "I have a doctor's appointment."
"What for?" she asked. Her tone was very telling to him; her old school, indifferent attitude was in her words as though her were talking to Faith years earlier but looking at it from another angle it was obvious that it was all standing on a platform of concern.
"Just to check everything out," he explained nonchalantly. He had gotten up off of the bed and was slowly inching his way towards the bathroom trying very hard to not let this become a big deal.
"What's there to check out?" she pushed. "I mean is there a chance they can fix it or give you more time or…"
"I don't think so."
"So what's there to check out?"
"Faith, I don't know," he answered shortly. He saw how abruptly she silenced her questions and he knew he had handled the situation wrong. "I think it'll be a really short appointment, though…" he added awkwardly.
"Can I come?" she asked cautiously.
"If you want to, of course." He was surprised that she actually wanted to go to something like that… actually he was surprised that she even wanted to leave her room.
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As usual they were late. Xander claimed it was the fact that Faith was involved in their getting to the appointment that made it so they had no other choice than to be late. They also had an argument about the fact that, despite Faith claiming that being fashionably late was the way to be, Xander didn't think that rule should apply to doctor's appointments. To make up for them being late, which Xander maintained was Faith's fault, she offered to park the car and meet him inside.
She parked the car and as she was about to get out and walk towards the building she stopped and pulled out a cigarette from her bag and lit it quickly. She let herself sit back comfortably in the seat and she pulled the rear view mirror to the side so she could look at herself. She couldn't tell whether she was happy about it or not but the one thing she saw when she looked at herself was… well, her. It seemed like a strange thought but there was something so typically her about the way she looked. It was strange enough to her that that thought was something that stood out to her but it was even stranger that she wasn't sure that made her happy.
It had been years since she'd smoked anything but cigarettes and she hadn't been having profound thoughts like these since then about herself. She glanced down at her clothes – she was wearing her regular jeans and tank with a denim jacket – and she couldn't figure out why she wasn't happy with it. She shook off the thought as she exhaled a large cloud of smoke from her lungs. She finally exited the car and threw her cigarette to the ground and walked towards the office.
She walked into the building and up the elevator which brought her into a large waiting room area. She glanced around and saw a bunch of people waiting; some with family others with their children and some with their spouse. They were all dressed casually but for some reason Faith felt out of place. Her attention was then drawn to her left when a child whined to his mother,
"Mom, I don't want to go in… I'm scared."
"Sweetie, it'll be fine. I promise…"
A soft smile spread across Faith's mouth at the cute little boy whining to his mother. The mother glanced over at Faith watching them then after giving her a quick glare she grabbed her child's hand and walked him away from her. She had been given countless dirty looks in her life and she knew how to act as though she hadn't even seen them. She played it off like nothing had happened then pulled out another cigarette from her bag and lit it. She reminded herself that she needed to find Xander and glancing to her right she saw the secretaries desk. She walked over while taking a pull on her cigarette,
"Hi, I'm just-"
"Can I help you?" the secretary cut off rudely as Faith exhaled a stream of smoke.
"Yeah, I'm looking for Xander," she answered nonchalantly. The secretary apathetically glanced down at a pad of paper and answered,
"He's not on this list."
"What?" she snapped, confused. "Of course he is… I just dropped… sorry, I mean, Alex Harris."
"Oh, Mr. Harris," the secretary answered. Another nurse walked behind the desk from the back and began listening to their conversation as she put down a clipboard. "Are you related to him?"
"No," she answered honestly as she took another pull on her cigarette, "I'm his… umm… his girlfriend. But not like that… I'm not just like a fling girlfriend or something, I'm like… I'm his…"
"I'm sorry," the nurse interjected, "family members only." She allowed that thought provoking thought to sink in then added, "and there's no smoking allowed in this building." She was about to lash out in her usual way of telling both of them off and demanding to be let into the doctor's office to see him but she heard from somewhere behind her in the waiting room,
"Mom, they're going to give me another shot… I don't want to, mommy, it's going to hurt."
"Sorry," she forced herself to answer glancing at her hand holding the cigarette. The secretary had looked up Mr. Harris' folder after Faith had said his name knowing she had heard his name come up in conversation sometime that week in the lounge and how sad a story it was. She wanted to make sure it was the same man she was thinking of and as she flipped through a few memo's in his folder she realized it was.
Faith put out the cigarette on the sole of her shoe and tossed it in the garbage can. She took a deep breath to compose herself then asked again,
"Are you sure I can't just go in to see him? Please… I don't want to let him down." The nurse maintained her stance against Faith, looking at the girl who obviously to her was the typical rebel without a cause. She had seen this type before – they were the type that whored themselves out to anybody then ended up coming into the hospital either for an abortion or for an overdose. She had no interest in doing this girl any favors. The secretary was seeing a different side of the story as she flipped through the file and remembered the doctor talking about how sad the story was. She overheard him talking about how he was almost brought to tears when one of his patients told him he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him the day he was told his illness was terminal.
"Certainly not," the nurse answered quickly. "It's policy," she added half-heartedly. The secretary stood and motioned for the nurse to follow her a few steps away from Faith.
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"You seem like you're in a rush," the doctor noted as Xander continually glanced towards the door to the office.
"No, I'm just wondering where Faith… my girlfriend is. She was supposed to meet me in here, she was just parking the car. I hope she's okay…"
"You mentioned the last time you were here that she can become emotional sometimes," he remembered, being extremely touched by Xander's concern for his girlfriend when he broke the bad news to him.
"She's really only emotional when it comes to me," he answered with a smile as he realized it almost for the first time, "other than that she's kind of the indifferent type."
"Well, maybe it's best she's not in here then."
"What do you mean?"
"The blood tests have signified that the infection may have accelerated it's process and…"
"I promised her at least a week and that's already too soon… you can't be telling me it's going to be less than that."
"I don't know for sure," he answered, "but it's possible that the infection will spread more quickly and therefore become more of a problem for your health sooner."
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"The Harris case is terminal," the secretary explained. "Dr. Carter was discussing her before," she said motioning towards Faith, "they were to be married and-"
"I don't care," the nurse answered. "Even if I wanted to give that girl a break, I can't because it's policy that only family members go beyond that door."
"What-"
"She's trouble," the nurse answered quickly, "she'll only make a scene. I'm mean for goodness sake she came in here smoking! For all we know she'll mug someone or something," the nurse argued weakly.
"Now you're being outrageous," the secretary defended.
"It's alright," Faith interjected, "I'll just wait outside." Before the secretary could say anything Faith had already turned away from the desk and walked into the elevator.
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"Thank you, Sir," Xander answered while taking a bottle of new – stronger – medication from the doctor.
"You certainly are in a hurry…"
"I just want to make sure she's alright, I don't mean to be rude."
"Not at all," the doctor assured him. Xander practically ran out of the office and towards the waiting room. He walked past the secretaries desk then stopped and backed up several strides and asked quickly,
"Excuse me, miss, have you seen a young woman with dark hair and-"
"Are you Mr. Harris?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"She was in here looking for you but… only family is allowed in and-"
"She's my girlfriend," he answered with confusion.
"I'm sorry," she answered ashamed that she hadn't been able to get Faith inside, "only family members are allowed. I'm very sorry…"
"Fine," Xander answered quickly turning away and practically jogging towards the elevator. She watched regretfully from her desk and as he hit the elevator button several times without the door opening he quickly went for the stairs and jogged down them.
Xander walked out of the building and saw Faith standing on the corner smoking a cigarette. He walked over to her quickly, putting the bottle of medication in his pocket.
"Hey," he greeted.
"Hey," she answered. He could tell she was covering up the fact that she was upset by her tone and even her stance.
"Why didn't you-"
"Hospital's kind of wig me out," she answered quickly.
"I'm sorry," he answered, swallowing down the lie. "You never told me that…" She shrugged and asked,
"So, did he tell you it was all just a mistake and that you're fine now?" She was joking but even saying those words made her faintly believe it could be true and only left her to be disappointed.
"Sorry it took so long," he answered pulling her into his arms.
"It's okay," she answered tossing her cigarette to the ground. He watched it's short flight and then watched it land in a pile of others she had smoked.
"You trying to kill yourself off quickly or something?"
"No, that would be stupid."
"I'm glad you see that," he answered with relief. She took a breath then answered,
"Yeah… as much as I'd like that to work I know we're definitely not going to the same place after we die…" He had never heard her talk about anything so… well thoughtful before. It was strange for him to realize that she actually thought a lot about life and death. He had assumed it was just something she blocked out of her head because it bothered her too much. "God I fucked up!"
"What do you mean?"
"Xander, you're going to get the luxury suite up there," she answered with a grin, "me on the other hand… well, let's just say I'm going to pay for everything I did."
"Faith you're…" he tried to dissuade her but he found it hard to. He had become so close to her and thought so highly of her that it was hard to actually connect her with what she was guilty of. He didn't think of her as a killer anymore…
"…out of cigarettes," she finished his sentence after a long delay. She did a half turn out of his arms then wrapped hers around one of his. With her head leaning against his shoulder they crossed the street and headed towards their car.
After walking for several blocks in silence they finally arrived at the parking lot that Faith had illegally parked in. Xander climbed into the driver's seat and then as he started the car he glanced over at Faith. He had a feeling something had happened in the doctor's office from her behavior and the secretary's anxious apology to him.
"What's the matter?"
"I think I'm the wrong girl for you," she answered. Not only was he taken aback by what she had said but he was already thrown off guard when she answered with something other than the expected 'nothing'.
"What are you talking about?" he asked with a laugh.
"I don't think I'm the one."
"Is this like a Slayer issue?" he asked, still joking, "having to be the only one all the time."
"Xander, guys look at me and they don't think picket fence, big wedding and two point five kids."
"I never understood that two point five thing… is that implying that one of the kids is going to be obese or something?" he joked.
"Never mind," she answered angrily. She leaned against the car door and stared out of the window.
"Faith, I'm not trying to be a dick here, okay… listen to yourself," he said, still having to laugh at the fact that they were actually having this conversation. She remained in her position, ignoring him completely now. "Faith… I've got a couple days left here and I can't think of spending them without you… you're my girlfriend… I love you," he added, hoping to get some acknowledgement. The final phrase finally got her to turn back towards him. She answered in a very pensive and tight tone,
"What if you're spending your last days with the wrong person…"
"Faith, I'm the first to admit that I'm a chronic screw-up, but-"
"But what if I'm your last and biggest mistake?" He saw the worry and anxiety consuming her face like a dark cloud engulfing the sky. "I mean, I don't think I can do anything right with my life, Xander… for the first time in my pathetic life I actually feel like what I'm doing is right… this feels right to me but everything still points to it like it's wrong."
"Baby, no," he answered, quickly grabbing her hand into his. "Don't you feel this?" he asked with a soft smile, "how could this not be right? What could possibly point to this being wrong?"
"Gee, Xander, I don't know, maybe the fact that you're dying," she answered sardonically. "There's a million other things too if that one isn't big enough for you," she added.
"Yeah, like what?"
"Okay…" she answered thinking for a second, "Buffy hates us being together and Willow wasn't exactly thrilled about it either. You walk into a room and everyone thinks of what a great guy you must be; I walk into a room and everyone's thinking about whether I'm five bucks or ten."
"Faith, that's only what you think about yourself. No one thinks that about you… What about how people look at us when we walking into a room together?" She sat there silently and he answered for her, "you know what they think, they think about what a lucky fucking guy I am to have a girl like you next to me." She began to argue but he cut her off, "and about Buffy, since you brought it up. She told me she was worried about you and that I needed to stop thinking about you unless I was actually going to act on it. She told me flat out – she said you were drinking way too much and being with way too many random guys and she didn't like the road you were going down. I think she expected me to just try and talk some sense into you but a part of her knew that I still had feelings for you. She may seem like she doesn't approve of us being together but inside she sees how happy we are."
He watched her facial features carefully and saw her struggling with all of the complicated thoughts streaming randomly through her head. She opened her mouth to speak but then stopped – she did this several times. Finally she spoke after several false starts,
"I think… I think even if you weren't sick this wouldn't work."
"What are you talking about?" he asked as he brought the vehicle to an abrupt stop. For the first time the levity was completely drained from his tone.
"Xander… I'm not the white dress kind of girl and kids… nobody in their right mind wants my kid anywhere near this planet! And even if it was a great kid, which it would be because of you, I'd only fuck it up! It would end up as screwed up as I am and it would hate me and-"
"Faith," he cut her off strongly enough to make her stop talking, "I think you'd be the greatest mom…"
"How?" she asked doubtfully.
"People you love have absolutely nothing to fear on the Earth."
"You're the only person I love," she answered, "and you can't lie and tell me you're not petrified to die… and I can't do anything but watch."
"Faith…"
"Xander, I'm used to guys walking out on me. If I really wanted any of them around anyway I could've kept them. I want you to stay with me and it's not even like I can change anything to make you stay."
"Faith, there isn't anything about you that needs to change!" he stated with frustration.
"Sorry," she answered quickly, "I'm just freaking out a little I guess…"
"You want to go out?" he asked out of nowhere.
"Yeah," she answered of course.
"Will suggested we meet her and Kennedy at this sports bar nearby. You up for it?"
"I've never been to a sports bar before," she teased.
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Within an hour Faith had won over a hundred and fifty dollars from playing pool with a group of guys, had to be talked down from about half a dozen bar brawls, and had consumed far more Tequila than any person in their right mind would've drank in a week. She was having fun and Xander knew it was her way of dealing with the fucked up things in her head so he couldn't complain. Willow and Kennedy finally had arrived to meet them there as Faith won yet another game of pool. Xander was still amazed that her game of pool was not only maintaining it's quality as she drank but it might've even been improving.
"Let us proclaim the mystery of Faith," he muttered, remembering that from Sunday school from several decades earlier.
"Has she been going that fast since you got here?" Willow asked with a bit of concern as she watched Faith down another shot. He pretended to think momentarily then answered with a shrug,
"Yeah."
"She's going to get sick, Xander," she warned.
"She had a really tough day," he answered, "and I don't know how to make it better so… so I figured I'd just let her deal with it her own way."
"What happened?"
"They gave her some shit at the hospital… she won't admit it but I think they really made her feel worthless. Can you believe this, she said to me that she thinks she might be the wrong girl for me! I mean, how much more perfect for me could she be?" he asked, redirecting his gaze back over at her. Willow followed his eyes and she ended up seeing Faith pushing a guy several feet back and yelling,
"Fuck you!"
"She's a keeper," Willow answered with a smirk. Xander quickly walked over to her as the guy she pushed began to walk back towards her offensively.
"Hey!" Xander called, "back off, alright?"
"Keep your bitch under control," the guy spat back as he walked away.
"Fuck you, bitch!" she retorted.
"Faith, knock it off," Xander scolded turning back to her. He was slightly irritated that this was far from the first guy he had had to step up to tonight.
"Baby, what's the matter?" she asked innocently.
"I think you need to be cut off."
"Why?"
"Because you do," he answered firmly.
"But…" she began to argue but Kennedy was approaching from the bar with two bartenders following her each holding as many shots as they could.
"Right across the middle," Kennedy instructed pointing at the pool table. They lined them up on the table and Kennedy called to Faith, "you sure you're ready to play me like this?" Faith caught the disapproving glare from Xander and said,
"We could just go home," she offered.
"No, you two have fun."
"Xander-"
"No really, play." She leaned over to him and kissed him on the cheek before turning to the table and having Kennedy explain the game.
"Alright, as you play you need to pick your line that you're going to send the ball and if there's a shot glass in the way you need to drink it to move it. If you hit the shot glass with the ball when it's full then you have to drink all of the glasses left on the table. Loser drinks what's left on the table."
"Ouch," she answered, "you know some of us are already wasted."
"So hopefully you're as good a player as you claim to be," she answered with a smirk. Willow threw Xander a hesitant glare and he answered,
"Hey, don't look at me like my girlfriend's the one who just came up with that game."
Between the playful – yet highly competitive – comments being thrown back and forth between the two slayers, the interesting new game of pool, and the fact that both of them looked the way they did, the two Slayer's attracted quite a crowd of spectators. Kennedy's game seemed comparable to Faith's for the most part but it was more evident how many shots she had done as the game continued. Faith had become aware of how much she had drank so far that night by her blurred vision and slightly shaking limbs so she began to play quite conservatively – well, for Faith.
"Bet I can finish this game right now," Kennedy stated confidently.
"What, by passing out you mean?" Faith answered with a laugh.
"I'm okay," she lied, "but I've got to admit, I'm amazed you're still standing with as much as you've drank," she answered, her speech beginning to be affected.
"You gonna keep trying to talk or are you actually going to do this thing?" Faith pushed. She couldn't see any line that Kennedy could choose to get the three balls in that she had left. Kennedy answered her with a mocking glare and a roll of the eyes then she picked up two shot glasses and downed them both quickly. Faith leaned over playfully looking over at Kennedy,
"Are those going to come right back up?" she mocked.
"Ha ha," she answered tossing the two glasses onto the floor.
"I've gotta see this," Faith teased, unable to see how she was even going to hit one ball without hitting another full shot glass. Kennedy began to crouch down to line up her shot and Faith interjected, "you sure you want to do this? Count 'em… there's five shots still on the table, Kenn." Kennedy shrugged her off, used to Faith's taunts, and began to line up her shot again. Faith saw her confidence so she looked where she was looking to see what her line was.
"Shit," Faith muttered, louder than she wanted to. She saw the line Kennedy had and knew if she could pull it off she was going to be the loser drinking the five shots still standing there mockingly on the table. Faith walked quietly over to Kennedy and leaned her hand against the table so she was close to where she was picking her shot. As she pulled the stick back and then jumped it forward to hit the ball Faith quickly gave her a nudge. The ball ricocheted off of the edge and hit a full shot glass.
"You fucking bitch!" Kennedy yelled in disbelief as she slammed the stick down onto the ground. Faith laughed and answered,
"All's fair…"
"In love and war," Kennedy finished.
"In life," Faith corrected her to her own version. "Hey," she greeted as Xander walked out from the shadowed corner of the bar and over to her. She jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and holding his neck with her arms.
"Whoa," he said catching her. He looked up into her face and even through the thick mask she was wearing he could see the sadness threatening to come through her eyes. "We should go home." She nodded in agreement and kissed him as she held his face tenderly in her hands.
"Whatever you want, baby." He supported her by her hips as she slid off of him to stand back on the floor. She felt a wave of dizziness rush through her as she stood and she leaned her head on his shoulder for several moments. "Take me home," she muttered into his ear.
-----------------
Xander knew she was far from sober but her sensual attitude was addictive. As they drove home the car was silent but her intent was clear. As much as he was ready to go along with it he couldn't help but think of how many silent car rides she had been in going to someone's house with the same intent. She was walking towards the bedroom now as he closed the apartment door behind them. Tossing the keys on the kitchen counter he walked into their bedroom and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed. He walked over to her and as he stood over her he asked,
"Are you okay?"
"If you kiss me I might be," she answered. He leaned down to her and kissed her softly. One of her hands quickly met his cheek as she kissed him and the other began unbuckling his belt. He felt the slight shake going through her hands and asked,
"Why are you shaking?" he asked standing up straight. She stayed sitting on the bed but brought her arms around his waist, hugging him towards her.
"I want to have your baby," she answered quietly. The hesitation in her tone baffled him but the seriousness in it terrified him.
"What?" he asked sharply.
"Xander, don't say no to me," she begged.
"You're drunk," he concluded.
"That's not it," she answered. "Xander, please!"
"You must be so beyond wasted you're not even listening to yourself speak."
"You said it today! Today! You said we were going to have a baby and you said that I'd be a good mother. I'm not a good anything, Xander, but I want to be a good mom if you say I can and I-"
"Faith, we're not even talking about this now."
"Oh, okay, we'll just talk about it next week some time then."
"Faith!"
"Xander, I need somebody! I need something to live for… I need somebody that needs me… I need something to care about. Xander I know what I need to keep my head together and I can't believe you're just saying no," she argued as her hands flew around trying to emphasize her words.
"Faith, listen to me."
"No, you're just going to tell me I'm drunk and I'm crazy and I'm fucking stupid."
"You said it, not me." She was offended by what he said and he quickly added, "Faith, if you're not going to listen to me listen to yourself. Faith, you just decided today that you wanted to be a mom?"
"You just decided four days ago that you're going to drop dead so let's not talk about quick decisions okay. It's not like you're giving me a long time to think about all of this. A few years down the road, yeah, that might be a little more ideal for us but hey, guess what, you ain't going to be around in a few days!"
"Faith, I'm not going to just knock you up because you think that's going to solve everything."
"Knock me up? We're going to be together almost two years and you think of it as knocking me up?"
"What does it matter what the hell I call it? Faith, come on, I'm going to die any day now and you're giving me a hard time about-"
"You promised me at least a week," she caught his misuse of the words and instantly needed an explanation. "Xander, you swore you had at least a week!"
"I probably do."
"You're lying to me."
"Faith…"
"And you lied to me about being a good mom too. Was that all just to get me to shut up?" She finally stood from the bed and walked towards the bathroom, feeling herself getting dizzy as the argument progressed.
"I'm not going to do that to you! I'm not leaving you with a kid to raise by yourself." He grabbed her arm to keep her from walking out on the argument.
"But-"
"But nothing, Faith!" he scolded, holding her arm firmly so she wouldn't walk away from him. "My parents were together for me and my mother still did all of the work. Hell, you don't even know your dad and I don't know whether you hate him or not because you won't talk about it and as for your mother who I'm guessing was the only one around to raise you, all I know about her is that she's dead and you can't even have someone ask about her without getting upset! Faith, you served time for murder because you have deep rooted anger issues which as far as I'm concerned go right back to your mother. How the fuck do you think your kid's going to end up without a dad around?" He saw the tears brimming her eyes as he spoke but he needed to defend his side of the argument because he felt so strongly about it.
"Let me go," she muttered as she pulled her arm away from him. He lost his grip but tried to regain it, "don't fucking touch me, Xander!"
"Faith!" he followed her to the bathroom and blocked the door she slammed in his face. He didn't walk in but he pushed the door back open. She immediately kneeled down in front of the toilet and began to vomit. "God, Faith," he sighed as he walked in, his demeanor changed entirely. He grabbed a small towel and wet it with cold water then pulled her hair away from her face as she sat up. Her entire body was shaking from repelling the insulting fluids she had drank in abundance earlier. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she tried to catch her breath. He had gotten to know a few personal things about Faith in their time together; throwing up was an upsetting thing for her. It was something that she claimed always had made her cry – he had a hunch it was a little more deep than just that.
He sat down next to her on the floor and wiped her face gently with the wet towel. She was shaking violently and as he tried to wrap his arms around her she pulled away but not because she wanted to but because she needed to throw up again. He quickly pulled her hair back for her and he felt his own insides twist at the thought of how shitty she was feeling.
"Why the fuck did you have to drink so much?"
She sat up again and he wiped her face then held the cold towel to her forehead for a few moments. She seemed to be staring off into nothing as she tried to slow her breathing back down unsuccessfully. He tried to soothe her by rubbing her arm and kissing her cheek but she quickly moved away from his touch,
"Don't touch me."
"Oh, stop it," he answered softly. She put her hand up to her face to block his view of her face,
"Don't look at me. Don't touch me. Just go away."
"You're just trying to make me feel like an asshole, thanks Faith," he muttered. There had always been something about her that he could never explain that made her so untouchable that there was that constant need to touch her especially when she was so far from her characteristic fine. He moved his hand and placed it on her arm over her tattoo to stroke her arm in the attempt to soothe her.
"Don't touch me," she scolded, this time actually using the hand she had to block her face from him to push him away. "Why don't you just fucking die already and stop torturing me!" she screamed at him angrily. He felt like she had actually just punched him in the stomach as hard as she possibly could. He couldn't even get enough air into his lungs to try and say something back. All he could make himself do was slowly stand up and walk out of the bathroom.
If she wasn't so upset and confused – not to mention, drunk – she probably would've regretted what she said. But she didn't. At least not right then; it was almost a relief for her – temporary of course – to have finally vented her frustration. If someone dies in an accident or is killed by a vamp or something, she knew how to deal – she was allowed to deal with it right away and get over it. But this was so different – it was like someone had told her, 'the worst thing you could possibly think of is going to happen, but not yet, so even though you know it's going to happen, you have to pretend to be happy until then, okay?'
She had never been able to push him away before but her words had really crushed him. He knew she really didn't want him to leave the bathroom but he couldn't sit there anymore. He knew a stronger, better man would've stayed and talked to her but he really didn't think he could even move his lips. He heard her crying behind him as he slowly walked away,
"You said I wouldn't be alone anymore… you swore it… and I fucking believed you… I don't want to be alone anymore. It's your fucking fault I'm going to be alone!" she screamed the last phrase loud enough for someone down the street to hear her. He sat down on the bed and smoothed the wrinkles in the sheet from where she had been sitting earlier. He regretted everything – in one phrase she had made him regret being born. He regretted being with her and he regretted promising her things that now he couldn't give her. He regretted not doing what she wanted earlier and just sleeping with her – who was he to tell her she couldn't have a baby? Who was he to make her be alone for the rest of her life? When she said she wasn't going to be with anyone else after he died, he had a bad feeling that she wasn't kidding.
Sitting on the bed he could still hear her crying. He heard her start throwing up again and he stood up and walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.
-------------
Willow walked into the dark apartment leaving the door ajar behind her. She walked by the kitchen but quickly backtracked seeing the seated shadow.
"And here I was staying out as long as possible to give you two some privacy…"
"Sorry," he answered quietly. He looked around and asked, "where's Kennedy?"
"She's crawling her way up from the car."
"At least she hasn't gotten sick."
"No, we stopped four times for her to throw up out of the car window," Willow assured him with a laugh. "Is that what killed your night of romance?"
"No…"
"What happened?"
"Willow, she's so angry at me. She can't even hide it from me anymore… she's so angry at me."
"Xander, she's probably just upset."
"Oh, yeah, she's definitely upset too, but… God, she is so angry."
"Xander, that girl's been angry since she was born."
"Which is exactly why I shouldn't have put myself on the top of her list of people who've disappointed her in her life and let her down. I promised her everything she ever wanted when I wasn't even sure if I could give it to her or not."
"Xander, you've got too much going on right now to beat yourself up for everything… there's no way you could've seen this coming."
"Not even just this though – I'm constantly fucking up with her lately. I mean, all she wants is someone to be there for her to help her through this and I can't even do it. I mean, if there was ever a time that Faith would be easy to please now would be it and I can't seem to stay away from a fight with her. I couldn't even not fight with her tonight! She's drunk and I still couldn't just tell her what she wanted to hear!"
"I think the bottle of Tequila she drank might be part of why you couldn't not fight tonight," Willow added, trying to lighten the mood.
"Will?" Kennedy called from the doorway.
"You made it," Willow greeted, slightly mockingly. "Bedroom's that way," she pointed without offering any aid. Kennedy made a slight groan then continued walking slowly towards the door.
"I could never quite figure out why I didn't like drinking very much," Willow commented sarcastically. Xander gave a half-hearted laugh and Willow asked, "do you want to talk about it?"
"No," he answered honestly, "I want to just think for a little while." She nodded in understanding then walked into the bedroom and closed the door.
Day IV
Xander resisted being pulled away from the sleep he had finally managed to find by the painful throbbing in his head. He held his eyes closed until he finally couldn't anymore. With a sigh he slowly opened his eyes and what he saw momentarily numbed the pain. He didn't feel her near him but he had just instinctually assumed that she was further away from him on the bed so she wasn't touching him. When he opened his eyes he saw her sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs to hold them as she rested her chin on her knees.
He blinked a few times to rid his vision of the fuzzy sleepiness and to get a more defined picture of her in front of him. Her hair was loose and most of it fell to one side because of the way her head was resting on her knee. As he blinked a couple more times he saw that her face was completely exhausted showing that after he had fallen asleep she hadn't. In fact, he remembered suddenly, that was exactly where she was sitting when she handed him the medicine and he went to sleep. He tried to keep himself from blinking anymore, not wanting anymore painful details, but unable to resist, he blinked again and the redness of her eyes became clear to him. She was exhausted and she had probably been crying for the majority of the night – and he had just slept through it.
With that realization and a few more blinks he was reminded again of the constant throbbing in his head. The blinking ceased and he just squinted painfully – it wasn't as bad as it was last night but the medicine was definitely wearing off.
"Do you want some more medicine? That's probably worn off, right?" The tone of her voice ripped him apart more than the fatal pain in his head.
"You've been counting Mississippi's all night?" he joked, needing to feel like he was making it better for her rather than worse. He was sure the lack of sleep was why he didn't receive any laughter and it had nothing to do with the quality of his joke.
"I'll go grab some," she answered quietly, moving for the first time in hours. He would've argued with that, not wanting her to leave, but the throbbing reminded him that it was probably for the best that she was going to get his meds. As she left the room he turned his head slowly to the side and saw the clock beside their bed – it was five in the morning.
------------
Faith walked into the kitchen barely still conscious and probably not entirely so. She was thankful that she didn't have the energy to think about what was going on – she kind of appreciated the zombie-like state she was in at the moment. She walked over to the drawer with the meds in it and began rumbling through the bottles,
"You're up early," Willow greeted quietly as she walked into the kitchen with a thick book, ready to begin her morning routine.
"I like to think of it as up late," she answered in a mumble.
"You looking for a morning fix or is something wrong?"
"Very funny," she answered, entirely un-amused.
"Is he okay?"
"Oh yeah," she answered sarcastically, "he's just peachy." Willow took a deep breath to keep herself from taking Faith too seriously this early in the morning. As scary as the thought was, this was an improvement for Faith's morning attitude.
"Are you okay?" she asked, judging by the look of her that she certainly was not.
"What the fuck do you care?" she snapped as she poured a few pills into her hand. Willow felt that intimidated little girl feeling creeping up inside of her – a feeling she concluded only Faith could still make her feel – but she maintained herself and pressed it back down seeing that Faith definitely hadn't slept last night and probably not since she had heard the news. Xander had talked to her about it on more than one occasion how Faith was a bad sleeper and she had to assume that 'bad' was probably an understatement the last couple of days.
She sat quietly at the kitchen table and just watched Faith patiently. She reached for a pack of cigarettes lying on the counter and quickly realized it was empty. Willow found herself anticipating the inevitable outburst that was about to happen. Holding the empty pack Faith took a deep breath and as she exhaled she crumpled the carton in her fist. The rush of emotions running through her were undeniable – she quickly released the pack and reached for a glass and began to fill it with water for Xander.
Willow had a hunch that she was even crying. It wasn't a concluded hypothesis but as Faith quickly wiped her face with her wet hand from the sink she accepted it as true.
"Fai-" Willow began, unable to discard her concern. She was cut off by the fumble of the cup of water in Faith's hand that she dropped back into the sink accidentally. Willow remained silent – Faith hadn't thrown the cup in anger but either her being so distracted or so exhausted is what made her lose her coordination and drop it. She forced herself to take another deep breath – one that from Willow's view looked almost jagged and painful. She picked up the cup and refilled it with water then without another word exited the kitchen.
--------------
Despite the throbbing in his head Xander smiled happily upon her return. She walked up to the side of the bed and handed him the pills and then – carefully – the glass of water. He noticed how quietly she did everything and it kind of bothered him; Faith wasn't really the quiet type. He actually expected her to be joking about something like how much he was going to have to pay her to get up this early and go get him water…
"Thanks," he said taking the pills and quickly swallowing them down. He knew if he wasn't looking so hard he would've missed the minute curvature of the corner of her mouth in response – it was almost a smile. She climbed back onto the bed and returned to her sitting spot where she had been all night. She had watched him toss and turn in pain all night, squinting and turning his head. "Come here," he said, placing the empty glass onto the floor beside the bed.
"Do you feel better?" she asked without moving at all.
"It'll kick in in a few minutes," he answered with a smile. He was making himself downplay his headache because he could see how stressed she was and even if he couldn't make it better for her – since she didn't let him – he certainly wasn't going to make it any worse.
"That's good," she muttered with a slight smile. He had gotten to know her over the years and he could tell in moments such as these, when she was close to crying or being emotional in any way she tried to not make any real facial expressions because it seemed that any expression at all – even a smile – might jump start her into the emotions that were really building up behind it all. He sat up in the bed, resting his back against the backboard of the bed and held his hand out to her. She met it with hers and their softly entangled fingers lay on the bed covers quietly.
"Come here," he repeated softly.
"I'm okay," she assured him, "why don't you close your eyes and get some rest… you're probably still really tired and-"
"Speaking of which, why don't you come here and lie down and get some rest yourself." She hesitantly moved over to him and through his guidance, he laid her down right beside him with her head resting against his chest. He held her with his arms firmly and allowed himself to keep time by the hot breath against his skin; as the skin cooled from the breath it was met again by another. "I'll wake you up if you fall asleep," he promised, knowing for some unknown reason that she didn't want to be asleep.
"I won't," she answered. He knew she was… stubborn was a good word for it, but he also knew that there was more behind her not sleeping lately.
"It's okay if you do, you know?" She shook her head and answered,
"I'm okay."
"You can't live off of that coma sleep forever, Faith," he added playfully. She lifted her head slowly from his chest and kissed his jaw by his throat tenderly.
-------------
"And where have you been?" Dawn asked with a grin as her sister finally walked through the front door to their apartment. Buffy jumped slightly at the unexpected greeting right through the door.
"Dawn, why are you awake?"
"Well, most people wake up around seven o'clock…"
"Umm… yeah," Buffy answered, pushing past Dawn and walking into the apartment.
"So where'd you go last night?"
"Dawn, go away," she snapped.
"So it was that bad, huh?"
"You know," she snapped, "you really need to stop spending so much time around Faith. I really don't think-"
"You showing up at seven in the morning seems to me that maybe you're the one who needs to stop spending time around her," she giggled.
"Dawn, I don't want to hear it."
---------------
He ran his fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face gently, then brought her lips from his chin to his lips. She kissed him gently, almost afraid to hurt him as if he were a doll made out of fragile china. He lowered his hands down to her hips and slid her from next to him to on top of him and pressed her firmly down against him. Her kisses instantly became deeper and stronger but he maintained the very slow pace.
Xander held her lower back firmly with one hand and brought the other up to her cheek, which he held lovingly as he kissed her. The slow pace was something different for them – they had tried to keep it slow before, but this was bordering too slow for foreplay, but both of them were left yearning for the other between each kiss. She brought her hands up to his face and cupped it gently as she kissed him and he took his hand and stroked her arm slowly surprised that he was able to bring himself away from running his fingers through her hair. There was something about that for him – there was something very tender about kissing her and touching her hair.
On a final stroke, he brought his hand up to her shoulder then allowed it to trace her body slowly back down over her breast. He followed her shirt down to the bottom then did a sit up with his upper body, bringing her slowly up with him without ever breaking their kiss. Still holding her back with one hand he pulled her shirt up as far as he could with his other hand. She raised her arms over her head as she parted her lips from his. She smiled softly at him as she looked at him – almost innocently – and he pulled her shirt over her head.
They both paused, even in their breath, as the locked eyes with each other. They were pressed against each other firmly except for their lips which were parted by a few small inches. The moment erupted several memories for both of them but the most relevant was the thought of how far their relationship had come with each other. The fact that Faith could actually stop in the middle of foreplay and look into her lovers face was monumental for both of them. She looked into his face with the usual tender, loving expression except it lacked the usual glow, which was replaced by an unwanted understanding. Still keeping his gaze locked with hers, Xander lowered his lips to her shoulder and kissed it softly. She smiled slightly then pulled her lower lip in between her teeth pensively. He squeezed her waist then kissed her lower lip, pulling it into his mouth instead of hers.
She kissed him again as she found the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up, waiting to stop the kiss until the shirt separated them. He held her bare waist with his hands as he lowered himself back down onto the bed. A shiver went through her body as he slid his hands from her waist under the waistband of her shorts. He paused to make sure it was a good shiver then once he was assured by her pulling him into another kiss he slid them down.
She slid up on him taking a deep breath while still kissing him.
"I love you," she promised as he slid his pants off.
"Faith, I…" he lost his voice as she slid down onto him. Pressed down on him she pulled him into another kiss. He pulled her closer to him by holding her hips firmly and guiding her over him rhythmically.
-----------------
Giles walked quietly from his kitchen into his study holding a cup of tea. He sat down behind his desk and glanced down at one of the drawers then back up again. He swiveled the chair slightly in both directions a handful of times than glanced back down at the same drawer. He hesitated then finally opened the drawer and took out an unmarked manila folder. He laid it flat in front of him then after taking a few sips of tea he opened it.
------------------
He held her tightly as she lowered her head to rest it on his chest. He felt her still shaking softly as she laid there – trying to act as though she wasn't. He noticed her slowly regaining her breath. When she did he still felt small shudders going through her body. He knew it had nothing to do with being cold but he gently slid her to lying next to him and pulled a sheet up over her.
Xander repositioned himself next to her so that their eyes were exactly at the same point and he began to stroke her cheek affectionately.
"Baby, are you alright?" he asked as soon as he saw a tear slowly fall down her cheek and leave an unmistakable shine on it. She nodded but more tears followed their predecessors and he wasn't convinced by the weak nod. "What's wrong?" he asked holding her face with one of his hands.
"Nothing," she answered in a tone that did nothing but heighten his suspicions.
"Well, you see, I'm concerned because you're kind of crying," he answered sarcastically. She wiped the tears away from her face as though him informing her was the first thing that made her realize it was true. "Was it really that bad?" he asked, "I mean I've had woman run away screaming but never have I driven them to sobbing…"
"No, it was good."
"And you're crying why?"
"Because it was really nice," she answered. He quickly understood the tears and kissed her,
"I love you."
"I could tell," she answered, the tears beginning to flow again.
"Baby…"
"Just hold me," she answered pulling his arms around her.
"As long as I have left," he answered, "I'll hold you." He felt her stiffen as he said that, making her have to realize how limited that time frame was.
"I need you longer than that."
-------------
"So what are we doing today?" Kennedy asked energetically.
"I don't know," Willow answered with a soft smile.
"Anything with Xander?"
"Maybe later tonight… all I know is that he's got a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Maybe we could meet him somewhere…"
"Why don't we go out drinking or something?" Willow flashed her a skeptical look and she added, "it's something Faith would want to do."
"Oh," she answered sarcastically, "so I'm sure Faith would really enjoy having you as the designated driver."
"Very funny!" Kennedy answered.
---------------
"Where are you going?" Faith asked quickly as soon as Xander began to motion towards getting up.
"I think I was just going to go to the bathroom," he answered. He tried to hide his smile at her anxiety but then added glancing at the clock, "I actually need to get ready to go."
"Where?"
"Didn't I tell you?" he asked, seeing in her expression that he didn't want to bring this up. She continued with her blank stare and he added, "I have a doctor's appointment."
"What for?" she asked. Her tone was very telling to him; her old school, indifferent attitude was in her words as though her were talking to Faith years earlier but looking at it from another angle it was obvious that it was all standing on a platform of concern.
"Just to check everything out," he explained nonchalantly. He had gotten up off of the bed and was slowly inching his way towards the bathroom trying very hard to not let this become a big deal.
"What's there to check out?" she pushed. "I mean is there a chance they can fix it or give you more time or…"
"I don't think so."
"So what's there to check out?"
"Faith, I don't know," he answered shortly. He saw how abruptly she silenced her questions and he knew he had handled the situation wrong. "I think it'll be a really short appointment, though…" he added awkwardly.
"Can I come?" she asked cautiously.
"If you want to, of course." He was surprised that she actually wanted to go to something like that… actually he was surprised that she even wanted to leave her room.
------------
As usual they were late. Xander claimed it was the fact that Faith was involved in their getting to the appointment that made it so they had no other choice than to be late. They also had an argument about the fact that, despite Faith claiming that being fashionably late was the way to be, Xander didn't think that rule should apply to doctor's appointments. To make up for them being late, which Xander maintained was Faith's fault, she offered to park the car and meet him inside.
She parked the car and as she was about to get out and walk towards the building she stopped and pulled out a cigarette from her bag and lit it quickly. She let herself sit back comfortably in the seat and she pulled the rear view mirror to the side so she could look at herself. She couldn't tell whether she was happy about it or not but the one thing she saw when she looked at herself was… well, her. It seemed like a strange thought but there was something so typically her about the way she looked. It was strange enough to her that that thought was something that stood out to her but it was even stranger that she wasn't sure that made her happy.
It had been years since she'd smoked anything but cigarettes and she hadn't been having profound thoughts like these since then about herself. She glanced down at her clothes – she was wearing her regular jeans and tank with a denim jacket – and she couldn't figure out why she wasn't happy with it. She shook off the thought as she exhaled a large cloud of smoke from her lungs. She finally exited the car and threw her cigarette to the ground and walked towards the office.
She walked into the building and up the elevator which brought her into a large waiting room area. She glanced around and saw a bunch of people waiting; some with family others with their children and some with their spouse. They were all dressed casually but for some reason Faith felt out of place. Her attention was then drawn to her left when a child whined to his mother,
"Mom, I don't want to go in… I'm scared."
"Sweetie, it'll be fine. I promise…"
A soft smile spread across Faith's mouth at the cute little boy whining to his mother. The mother glanced over at Faith watching them then after giving her a quick glare she grabbed her child's hand and walked him away from her. She had been given countless dirty looks in her life and she knew how to act as though she hadn't even seen them. She played it off like nothing had happened then pulled out another cigarette from her bag and lit it. She reminded herself that she needed to find Xander and glancing to her right she saw the secretaries desk. She walked over while taking a pull on her cigarette,
"Hi, I'm just-"
"Can I help you?" the secretary cut off rudely as Faith exhaled a stream of smoke.
"Yeah, I'm looking for Xander," she answered nonchalantly. The secretary apathetically glanced down at a pad of paper and answered,
"He's not on this list."
"What?" she snapped, confused. "Of course he is… I just dropped… sorry, I mean, Alex Harris."
"Oh, Mr. Harris," the secretary answered. Another nurse walked behind the desk from the back and began listening to their conversation as she put down a clipboard. "Are you related to him?"
"No," she answered honestly as she took another pull on her cigarette, "I'm his… umm… his girlfriend. But not like that… I'm not just like a fling girlfriend or something, I'm like… I'm his…"
"I'm sorry," the nurse interjected, "family members only." She allowed that thought provoking thought to sink in then added, "and there's no smoking allowed in this building." She was about to lash out in her usual way of telling both of them off and demanding to be let into the doctor's office to see him but she heard from somewhere behind her in the waiting room,
"Mom, they're going to give me another shot… I don't want to, mommy, it's going to hurt."
"Sorry," she forced herself to answer glancing at her hand holding the cigarette. The secretary had looked up Mr. Harris' folder after Faith had said his name knowing she had heard his name come up in conversation sometime that week in the lounge and how sad a story it was. She wanted to make sure it was the same man she was thinking of and as she flipped through a few memo's in his folder she realized it was.
Faith put out the cigarette on the sole of her shoe and tossed it in the garbage can. She took a deep breath to compose herself then asked again,
"Are you sure I can't just go in to see him? Please… I don't want to let him down." The nurse maintained her stance against Faith, looking at the girl who obviously to her was the typical rebel without a cause. She had seen this type before – they were the type that whored themselves out to anybody then ended up coming into the hospital either for an abortion or for an overdose. She had no interest in doing this girl any favors. The secretary was seeing a different side of the story as she flipped through the file and remembered the doctor talking about how sad the story was. She overheard him talking about how he was almost brought to tears when one of his patients told him he was going to ask his girlfriend to marry him the day he was told his illness was terminal.
"Certainly not," the nurse answered quickly. "It's policy," she added half-heartedly. The secretary stood and motioned for the nurse to follow her a few steps away from Faith.
---------------
"You seem like you're in a rush," the doctor noted as Xander continually glanced towards the door to the office.
"No, I'm just wondering where Faith… my girlfriend is. She was supposed to meet me in here, she was just parking the car. I hope she's okay…"
"You mentioned the last time you were here that she can become emotional sometimes," he remembered, being extremely touched by Xander's concern for his girlfriend when he broke the bad news to him.
"She's really only emotional when it comes to me," he answered with a smile as he realized it almost for the first time, "other than that she's kind of the indifferent type."
"Well, maybe it's best she's not in here then."
"What do you mean?"
"The blood tests have signified that the infection may have accelerated it's process and…"
"I promised her at least a week and that's already too soon… you can't be telling me it's going to be less than that."
"I don't know for sure," he answered, "but it's possible that the infection will spread more quickly and therefore become more of a problem for your health sooner."
---------------
"The Harris case is terminal," the secretary explained. "Dr. Carter was discussing her before," she said motioning towards Faith, "they were to be married and-"
"I don't care," the nurse answered. "Even if I wanted to give that girl a break, I can't because it's policy that only family members go beyond that door."
"What-"
"She's trouble," the nurse answered quickly, "she'll only make a scene. I'm mean for goodness sake she came in here smoking! For all we know she'll mug someone or something," the nurse argued weakly.
"Now you're being outrageous," the secretary defended.
"It's alright," Faith interjected, "I'll just wait outside." Before the secretary could say anything Faith had already turned away from the desk and walked into the elevator.
---------------
"Thank you, Sir," Xander answered while taking a bottle of new – stronger – medication from the doctor.
"You certainly are in a hurry…"
"I just want to make sure she's alright, I don't mean to be rude."
"Not at all," the doctor assured him. Xander practically ran out of the office and towards the waiting room. He walked past the secretaries desk then stopped and backed up several strides and asked quickly,
"Excuse me, miss, have you seen a young woman with dark hair and-"
"Are you Mr. Harris?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"She was in here looking for you but… only family is allowed in and-"
"She's my girlfriend," he answered with confusion.
"I'm sorry," she answered ashamed that she hadn't been able to get Faith inside, "only family members are allowed. I'm very sorry…"
"Fine," Xander answered quickly turning away and practically jogging towards the elevator. She watched regretfully from her desk and as he hit the elevator button several times without the door opening he quickly went for the stairs and jogged down them.
Xander walked out of the building and saw Faith standing on the corner smoking a cigarette. He walked over to her quickly, putting the bottle of medication in his pocket.
"Hey," he greeted.
"Hey," she answered. He could tell she was covering up the fact that she was upset by her tone and even her stance.
"Why didn't you-"
"Hospital's kind of wig me out," she answered quickly.
"I'm sorry," he answered, swallowing down the lie. "You never told me that…" She shrugged and asked,
"So, did he tell you it was all just a mistake and that you're fine now?" She was joking but even saying those words made her faintly believe it could be true and only left her to be disappointed.
"Sorry it took so long," he answered pulling her into his arms.
"It's okay," she answered tossing her cigarette to the ground. He watched it's short flight and then watched it land in a pile of others she had smoked.
"You trying to kill yourself off quickly or something?"
"No, that would be stupid."
"I'm glad you see that," he answered with relief. She took a breath then answered,
"Yeah… as much as I'd like that to work I know we're definitely not going to the same place after we die…" He had never heard her talk about anything so… well thoughtful before. It was strange for him to realize that she actually thought a lot about life and death. He had assumed it was just something she blocked out of her head because it bothered her too much. "God I fucked up!"
"What do you mean?"
"Xander, you're going to get the luxury suite up there," she answered with a grin, "me on the other hand… well, let's just say I'm going to pay for everything I did."
"Faith you're…" he tried to dissuade her but he found it hard to. He had become so close to her and thought so highly of her that it was hard to actually connect her with what she was guilty of. He didn't think of her as a killer anymore…
"…out of cigarettes," she finished his sentence after a long delay. She did a half turn out of his arms then wrapped hers around one of his. With her head leaning against his shoulder they crossed the street and headed towards their car.
After walking for several blocks in silence they finally arrived at the parking lot that Faith had illegally parked in. Xander climbed into the driver's seat and then as he started the car he glanced over at Faith. He had a feeling something had happened in the doctor's office from her behavior and the secretary's anxious apology to him.
"What's the matter?"
"I think I'm the wrong girl for you," she answered. Not only was he taken aback by what she had said but he was already thrown off guard when she answered with something other than the expected 'nothing'.
"What are you talking about?" he asked with a laugh.
"I don't think I'm the one."
"Is this like a Slayer issue?" he asked, still joking, "having to be the only one all the time."
"Xander, guys look at me and they don't think picket fence, big wedding and two point five kids."
"I never understood that two point five thing… is that implying that one of the kids is going to be obese or something?" he joked.
"Never mind," she answered angrily. She leaned against the car door and stared out of the window.
"Faith, I'm not trying to be a dick here, okay… listen to yourself," he said, still having to laugh at the fact that they were actually having this conversation. She remained in her position, ignoring him completely now. "Faith… I've got a couple days left here and I can't think of spending them without you… you're my girlfriend… I love you," he added, hoping to get some acknowledgement. The final phrase finally got her to turn back towards him. She answered in a very pensive and tight tone,
"What if you're spending your last days with the wrong person…"
"Faith, I'm the first to admit that I'm a chronic screw-up, but-"
"But what if I'm your last and biggest mistake?" He saw the worry and anxiety consuming her face like a dark cloud engulfing the sky. "I mean, I don't think I can do anything right with my life, Xander… for the first time in my pathetic life I actually feel like what I'm doing is right… this feels right to me but everything still points to it like it's wrong."
"Baby, no," he answered, quickly grabbing her hand into his. "Don't you feel this?" he asked with a soft smile, "how could this not be right? What could possibly point to this being wrong?"
"Gee, Xander, I don't know, maybe the fact that you're dying," she answered sardonically. "There's a million other things too if that one isn't big enough for you," she added.
"Yeah, like what?"
"Okay…" she answered thinking for a second, "Buffy hates us being together and Willow wasn't exactly thrilled about it either. You walk into a room and everyone thinks of what a great guy you must be; I walk into a room and everyone's thinking about whether I'm five bucks or ten."
"Faith, that's only what you think about yourself. No one thinks that about you… What about how people look at us when we walking into a room together?" She sat there silently and he answered for her, "you know what they think, they think about what a lucky fucking guy I am to have a girl like you next to me." She began to argue but he cut her off, "and about Buffy, since you brought it up. She told me she was worried about you and that I needed to stop thinking about you unless I was actually going to act on it. She told me flat out – she said you were drinking way too much and being with way too many random guys and she didn't like the road you were going down. I think she expected me to just try and talk some sense into you but a part of her knew that I still had feelings for you. She may seem like she doesn't approve of us being together but inside she sees how happy we are."
He watched her facial features carefully and saw her struggling with all of the complicated thoughts streaming randomly through her head. She opened her mouth to speak but then stopped – she did this several times. Finally she spoke after several false starts,
"I think… I think even if you weren't sick this wouldn't work."
"What are you talking about?" he asked as he brought the vehicle to an abrupt stop. For the first time the levity was completely drained from his tone.
"Xander… I'm not the white dress kind of girl and kids… nobody in their right mind wants my kid anywhere near this planet! And even if it was a great kid, which it would be because of you, I'd only fuck it up! It would end up as screwed up as I am and it would hate me and-"
"Faith," he cut her off strongly enough to make her stop talking, "I think you'd be the greatest mom…"
"How?" she asked doubtfully.
"People you love have absolutely nothing to fear on the Earth."
"You're the only person I love," she answered, "and you can't lie and tell me you're not petrified to die… and I can't do anything but watch."
"Faith…"
"Xander, I'm used to guys walking out on me. If I really wanted any of them around anyway I could've kept them. I want you to stay with me and it's not even like I can change anything to make you stay."
"Faith, there isn't anything about you that needs to change!" he stated with frustration.
"Sorry," she answered quickly, "I'm just freaking out a little I guess…"
"You want to go out?" he asked out of nowhere.
"Yeah," she answered of course.
"Will suggested we meet her and Kennedy at this sports bar nearby. You up for it?"
"I've never been to a sports bar before," she teased.
---------------
Within an hour Faith had won over a hundred and fifty dollars from playing pool with a group of guys, had to be talked down from about half a dozen bar brawls, and had consumed far more Tequila than any person in their right mind would've drank in a week. She was having fun and Xander knew it was her way of dealing with the fucked up things in her head so he couldn't complain. Willow and Kennedy finally had arrived to meet them there as Faith won yet another game of pool. Xander was still amazed that her game of pool was not only maintaining it's quality as she drank but it might've even been improving.
"Let us proclaim the mystery of Faith," he muttered, remembering that from Sunday school from several decades earlier.
"Has she been going that fast since you got here?" Willow asked with a bit of concern as she watched Faith down another shot. He pretended to think momentarily then answered with a shrug,
"Yeah."
"She's going to get sick, Xander," she warned.
"She had a really tough day," he answered, "and I don't know how to make it better so… so I figured I'd just let her deal with it her own way."
"What happened?"
"They gave her some shit at the hospital… she won't admit it but I think they really made her feel worthless. Can you believe this, she said to me that she thinks she might be the wrong girl for me! I mean, how much more perfect for me could she be?" he asked, redirecting his gaze back over at her. Willow followed his eyes and she ended up seeing Faith pushing a guy several feet back and yelling,
"Fuck you!"
"She's a keeper," Willow answered with a smirk. Xander quickly walked over to her as the guy she pushed began to walk back towards her offensively.
"Hey!" Xander called, "back off, alright?"
"Keep your bitch under control," the guy spat back as he walked away.
"Fuck you, bitch!" she retorted.
"Faith, knock it off," Xander scolded turning back to her. He was slightly irritated that this was far from the first guy he had had to step up to tonight.
"Baby, what's the matter?" she asked innocently.
"I think you need to be cut off."
"Why?"
"Because you do," he answered firmly.
"But…" she began to argue but Kennedy was approaching from the bar with two bartenders following her each holding as many shots as they could.
"Right across the middle," Kennedy instructed pointing at the pool table. They lined them up on the table and Kennedy called to Faith, "you sure you're ready to play me like this?" Faith caught the disapproving glare from Xander and said,
"We could just go home," she offered.
"No, you two have fun."
"Xander-"
"No really, play." She leaned over to him and kissed him on the cheek before turning to the table and having Kennedy explain the game.
"Alright, as you play you need to pick your line that you're going to send the ball and if there's a shot glass in the way you need to drink it to move it. If you hit the shot glass with the ball when it's full then you have to drink all of the glasses left on the table. Loser drinks what's left on the table."
"Ouch," she answered, "you know some of us are already wasted."
"So hopefully you're as good a player as you claim to be," she answered with a smirk. Willow threw Xander a hesitant glare and he answered,
"Hey, don't look at me like my girlfriend's the one who just came up with that game."
Between the playful – yet highly competitive – comments being thrown back and forth between the two slayers, the interesting new game of pool, and the fact that both of them looked the way they did, the two Slayer's attracted quite a crowd of spectators. Kennedy's game seemed comparable to Faith's for the most part but it was more evident how many shots she had done as the game continued. Faith had become aware of how much she had drank so far that night by her blurred vision and slightly shaking limbs so she began to play quite conservatively – well, for Faith.
"Bet I can finish this game right now," Kennedy stated confidently.
"What, by passing out you mean?" Faith answered with a laugh.
"I'm okay," she lied, "but I've got to admit, I'm amazed you're still standing with as much as you've drank," she answered, her speech beginning to be affected.
"You gonna keep trying to talk or are you actually going to do this thing?" Faith pushed. She couldn't see any line that Kennedy could choose to get the three balls in that she had left. Kennedy answered her with a mocking glare and a roll of the eyes then she picked up two shot glasses and downed them both quickly. Faith leaned over playfully looking over at Kennedy,
"Are those going to come right back up?" she mocked.
"Ha ha," she answered tossing the two glasses onto the floor.
"I've gotta see this," Faith teased, unable to see how she was even going to hit one ball without hitting another full shot glass. Kennedy began to crouch down to line up her shot and Faith interjected, "you sure you want to do this? Count 'em… there's five shots still on the table, Kenn." Kennedy shrugged her off, used to Faith's taunts, and began to line up her shot again. Faith saw her confidence so she looked where she was looking to see what her line was.
"Shit," Faith muttered, louder than she wanted to. She saw the line Kennedy had and knew if she could pull it off she was going to be the loser drinking the five shots still standing there mockingly on the table. Faith walked quietly over to Kennedy and leaned her hand against the table so she was close to where she was picking her shot. As she pulled the stick back and then jumped it forward to hit the ball Faith quickly gave her a nudge. The ball ricocheted off of the edge and hit a full shot glass.
"You fucking bitch!" Kennedy yelled in disbelief as she slammed the stick down onto the ground. Faith laughed and answered,
"All's fair…"
"In love and war," Kennedy finished.
"In life," Faith corrected her to her own version. "Hey," she greeted as Xander walked out from the shadowed corner of the bar and over to her. She jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and holding his neck with her arms.
"Whoa," he said catching her. He looked up into her face and even through the thick mask she was wearing he could see the sadness threatening to come through her eyes. "We should go home." She nodded in agreement and kissed him as she held his face tenderly in her hands.
"Whatever you want, baby." He supported her by her hips as she slid off of him to stand back on the floor. She felt a wave of dizziness rush through her as she stood and she leaned her head on his shoulder for several moments. "Take me home," she muttered into his ear.
-----------------
Xander knew she was far from sober but her sensual attitude was addictive. As they drove home the car was silent but her intent was clear. As much as he was ready to go along with it he couldn't help but think of how many silent car rides she had been in going to someone's house with the same intent. She was walking towards the bedroom now as he closed the apartment door behind them. Tossing the keys on the kitchen counter he walked into their bedroom and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed. He walked over to her and as he stood over her he asked,
"Are you okay?"
"If you kiss me I might be," she answered. He leaned down to her and kissed her softly. One of her hands quickly met his cheek as she kissed him and the other began unbuckling his belt. He felt the slight shake going through her hands and asked,
"Why are you shaking?" he asked standing up straight. She stayed sitting on the bed but brought her arms around his waist, hugging him towards her.
"I want to have your baby," she answered quietly. The hesitation in her tone baffled him but the seriousness in it terrified him.
"What?" he asked sharply.
"Xander, don't say no to me," she begged.
"You're drunk," he concluded.
"That's not it," she answered. "Xander, please!"
"You must be so beyond wasted you're not even listening to yourself speak."
"You said it today! Today! You said we were going to have a baby and you said that I'd be a good mother. I'm not a good anything, Xander, but I want to be a good mom if you say I can and I-"
"Faith, we're not even talking about this now."
"Oh, okay, we'll just talk about it next week some time then."
"Faith!"
"Xander, I need somebody! I need something to live for… I need somebody that needs me… I need something to care about. Xander I know what I need to keep my head together and I can't believe you're just saying no," she argued as her hands flew around trying to emphasize her words.
"Faith, listen to me."
"No, you're just going to tell me I'm drunk and I'm crazy and I'm fucking stupid."
"You said it, not me." She was offended by what he said and he quickly added, "Faith, if you're not going to listen to me listen to yourself. Faith, you just decided today that you wanted to be a mom?"
"You just decided four days ago that you're going to drop dead so let's not talk about quick decisions okay. It's not like you're giving me a long time to think about all of this. A few years down the road, yeah, that might be a little more ideal for us but hey, guess what, you ain't going to be around in a few days!"
"Faith, I'm not going to just knock you up because you think that's going to solve everything."
"Knock me up? We're going to be together almost two years and you think of it as knocking me up?"
"What does it matter what the hell I call it? Faith, come on, I'm going to die any day now and you're giving me a hard time about-"
"You promised me at least a week," she caught his misuse of the words and instantly needed an explanation. "Xander, you swore you had at least a week!"
"I probably do."
"You're lying to me."
"Faith…"
"And you lied to me about being a good mom too. Was that all just to get me to shut up?" She finally stood from the bed and walked towards the bathroom, feeling herself getting dizzy as the argument progressed.
"I'm not going to do that to you! I'm not leaving you with a kid to raise by yourself." He grabbed her arm to keep her from walking out on the argument.
"But-"
"But nothing, Faith!" he scolded, holding her arm firmly so she wouldn't walk away from him. "My parents were together for me and my mother still did all of the work. Hell, you don't even know your dad and I don't know whether you hate him or not because you won't talk about it and as for your mother who I'm guessing was the only one around to raise you, all I know about her is that she's dead and you can't even have someone ask about her without getting upset! Faith, you served time for murder because you have deep rooted anger issues which as far as I'm concerned go right back to your mother. How the fuck do you think your kid's going to end up without a dad around?" He saw the tears brimming her eyes as he spoke but he needed to defend his side of the argument because he felt so strongly about it.
"Let me go," she muttered as she pulled her arm away from him. He lost his grip but tried to regain it, "don't fucking touch me, Xander!"
"Faith!" he followed her to the bathroom and blocked the door she slammed in his face. He didn't walk in but he pushed the door back open. She immediately kneeled down in front of the toilet and began to vomit. "God, Faith," he sighed as he walked in, his demeanor changed entirely. He grabbed a small towel and wet it with cold water then pulled her hair away from her face as she sat up. Her entire body was shaking from repelling the insulting fluids she had drank in abundance earlier. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she tried to catch her breath. He had gotten to know a few personal things about Faith in their time together; throwing up was an upsetting thing for her. It was something that she claimed always had made her cry – he had a hunch it was a little more deep than just that.
He sat down next to her on the floor and wiped her face gently with the wet towel. She was shaking violently and as he tried to wrap his arms around her she pulled away but not because she wanted to but because she needed to throw up again. He quickly pulled her hair back for her and he felt his own insides twist at the thought of how shitty she was feeling.
"Why the fuck did you have to drink so much?"
She sat up again and he wiped her face then held the cold towel to her forehead for a few moments. She seemed to be staring off into nothing as she tried to slow her breathing back down unsuccessfully. He tried to soothe her by rubbing her arm and kissing her cheek but she quickly moved away from his touch,
"Don't touch me."
"Oh, stop it," he answered softly. She put her hand up to her face to block his view of her face,
"Don't look at me. Don't touch me. Just go away."
"You're just trying to make me feel like an asshole, thanks Faith," he muttered. There had always been something about her that he could never explain that made her so untouchable that there was that constant need to touch her especially when she was so far from her characteristic fine. He moved his hand and placed it on her arm over her tattoo to stroke her arm in the attempt to soothe her.
"Don't touch me," she scolded, this time actually using the hand she had to block her face from him to push him away. "Why don't you just fucking die already and stop torturing me!" she screamed at him angrily. He felt like she had actually just punched him in the stomach as hard as she possibly could. He couldn't even get enough air into his lungs to try and say something back. All he could make himself do was slowly stand up and walk out of the bathroom.
If she wasn't so upset and confused – not to mention, drunk – she probably would've regretted what she said. But she didn't. At least not right then; it was almost a relief for her – temporary of course – to have finally vented her frustration. If someone dies in an accident or is killed by a vamp or something, she knew how to deal – she was allowed to deal with it right away and get over it. But this was so different – it was like someone had told her, 'the worst thing you could possibly think of is going to happen, but not yet, so even though you know it's going to happen, you have to pretend to be happy until then, okay?'
She had never been able to push him away before but her words had really crushed him. He knew she really didn't want him to leave the bathroom but he couldn't sit there anymore. He knew a stronger, better man would've stayed and talked to her but he really didn't think he could even move his lips. He heard her crying behind him as he slowly walked away,
"You said I wouldn't be alone anymore… you swore it… and I fucking believed you… I don't want to be alone anymore. It's your fucking fault I'm going to be alone!" she screamed the last phrase loud enough for someone down the street to hear her. He sat down on the bed and smoothed the wrinkles in the sheet from where she had been sitting earlier. He regretted everything – in one phrase she had made him regret being born. He regretted being with her and he regretted promising her things that now he couldn't give her. He regretted not doing what she wanted earlier and just sleeping with her – who was he to tell her she couldn't have a baby? Who was he to make her be alone for the rest of her life? When she said she wasn't going to be with anyone else after he died, he had a bad feeling that she wasn't kidding.
Sitting on the bed he could still hear her crying. He heard her start throwing up again and he stood up and walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.
-------------
Willow walked into the dark apartment leaving the door ajar behind her. She walked by the kitchen but quickly backtracked seeing the seated shadow.
"And here I was staying out as long as possible to give you two some privacy…"
"Sorry," he answered quietly. He looked around and asked, "where's Kennedy?"
"She's crawling her way up from the car."
"At least she hasn't gotten sick."
"No, we stopped four times for her to throw up out of the car window," Willow assured him with a laugh. "Is that what killed your night of romance?"
"No…"
"What happened?"
"Willow, she's so angry at me. She can't even hide it from me anymore… she's so angry at me."
"Xander, she's probably just upset."
"Oh, yeah, she's definitely upset too, but… God, she is so angry."
"Xander, that girl's been angry since she was born."
"Which is exactly why I shouldn't have put myself on the top of her list of people who've disappointed her in her life and let her down. I promised her everything she ever wanted when I wasn't even sure if I could give it to her or not."
"Xander, you've got too much going on right now to beat yourself up for everything… there's no way you could've seen this coming."
"Not even just this though – I'm constantly fucking up with her lately. I mean, all she wants is someone to be there for her to help her through this and I can't even do it. I mean, if there was ever a time that Faith would be easy to please now would be it and I can't seem to stay away from a fight with her. I couldn't even not fight with her tonight! She's drunk and I still couldn't just tell her what she wanted to hear!"
"I think the bottle of Tequila she drank might be part of why you couldn't not fight tonight," Willow added, trying to lighten the mood.
"Will?" Kennedy called from the doorway.
"You made it," Willow greeted, slightly mockingly. "Bedroom's that way," she pointed without offering any aid. Kennedy made a slight groan then continued walking slowly towards the door.
"I could never quite figure out why I didn't like drinking very much," Willow commented sarcastically. Xander gave a half-hearted laugh and Willow asked, "do you want to talk about it?"
"No," he answered honestly, "I want to just think for a little while." She nodded in understanding then walked into the bedroom and closed the door.