Too Soon
Day V
He sat there for a long time. He wasn't sure whether he was thinking or if he had just slipped into a sort of hibernation with his eyes still open. He leaned towards the second option because if he had been thinking all of this time he hadn't accomplished anything or cleared any of the fog from his brain. He shook his head to help clear it but he felt like it made his brain shake painfully inside of his skull. He pushed the shot glass and the empty bottle of Vodka to the side of the table as he stood slowly and walked over to the drawer where all of his meds were and pulled out the new bottle.
This was what being depressed felt like. This was the epitome of depression. This sucked. In a way he almost felt like thanking Faith, although he wasn't quite sure how he'd word it. 'Hey Faith, thanks for being such a bitchy, drunk, out of control pain in the fucking ass.' No, he doubted she would take that well, but he did thank her in a way. Up until this point he really hadn't thought of how he was thinking about this whole dying thing… Faith was certainly an adequate distraction, well, until she through it in his face earlier. Now it was all he could think about. Dying… death… the end… all of those things were things you thought of having to deal with but never did actually think you'd get to the point where you thought of them seriously.
But here he was… with his bottle of Vodka… thinking about how this was the end. He sighed and after a moment he smiled slightly and thought that Faith was right, Tequila certainly did have a happier drunk than Vodka. If he'd have had Tequila he'd probably be thinking about how cool it was going to be to not have to deal with life anymore…
A soft creak sounded from the floor and he turned to see Faith walking slowly out of the bedroom. She walked up to the drawer filled with pain extinguishing medication, ignoring the fact that he was standing directly in front of it. Without even glancing up at him or touching him she pushed him out of her way and began rummaging through the drawer. She picked up bottles of pills and looked at the label then tossed them back into the drawer. By the fifth bottle of medication that wasn't the aspirin she was looking for she began just throwing them onto the floor. After throwing about half a dozen on the floor she muttered to herself,
"What is all this shit?" Xander couldn't help but let out a small giggle; being who he was he had to find the humor in this situation and right now it wasn't too difficult.
"I was just about to bring you in some aspirin," he finally stated. He gave the bottle of aspirin in his hand a shake to show that he had been holding it the entire time. On any normal day, tears would've been the furthest thing from her mind, but when one combined heavy emotions, a painful headache, and extreme frustration with Faith in a serious hangover, the tears that flowed so easily shocked even her.
"This is new," Xander commented lightly wanting really badly to be able to make her laugh. She quickly caught her breath and wiped the tears roughly off of her face.
"Shut up," she warned.
"I'm just saying, it's not every day that you start to cry because I spoke."
"Can you try, maybe, to shut up."
"I think you need-"
"What the fuck do you care what I need?"
"Some sleep," he stated, finishing his sentence and ignoring hers.
"Fuck you."
"Have I ever told you how pleasant you are?" he asked sarcastically. Her expression appeared defeated – unable to get the reaction she wanted but still without enough energy to continue to try – and she just turned away from him and walked back towards their bedroom. He didn't think he had really done anything wrong but he felt obligated to make this better even if his vodka was kicking in and he felt that everything was just fine being this way. He reached for her arm to keep her from walking away, knowing asking her not to would just get him another 'shut up' with her still walking.
"Don't touch me!" she spat at him angrily.
"You're unbelievable! It's almost four in the morning, so that means you've had six hours of being pissed off at me. Normal people at least cool down after a couple hours…"
"Well why don't you go find yourself a normal person to fuck tonight."
"What the hell is the matter with you?" he asked, finally unable to take her attitude without getting defensive.
"You're going to tell me that if someone asked you what you were going to do on your last day on Earth, you'd answer hang out at home with your annoying fucking girlfriend?"
"Not if you're going to act like this," he snapped.
"So fucking grow a pair and go find another bitch to fuck."
"I can't deal with you right now," he answered, admitting to his frustration.
"So go deal someone else," she answered sharply.
"You know, you should be a little bit more careful about that – I might realize what I'm missing sleeping with a girl without emotional baggage."
"You saying you think you're going to find a girl better than me?"
"I'm saying that I don't think that that would be too hard," he spat, making a low blow at her ego.
"Sure," she answered confidently, "when you get back in fifteen minutes you can tell me all about it."
"What makes you so sure I'll come back?"
"Why wouldn't you come back?" she asked, her tone faltering from the air of confidence she had. If he hadn't been quite so intoxicated he might've realized the weak step she took and have seen how easily the fight could've been ended. But since fighting with Faith was like constantly trying to dodge knives and throw them back even when they stopped being thrown it was difficult to keep your arm from just continuing to toss.
The whole idea of him leaving and never coming back was always in her mind. She was familiar with people just walking in and out of her life – she was guilty of it too – but that didn't mean that she was comfortable with the idea. It petrified her. This idea hit her close in so many different ways that she couldn't even hide the fear from her face.
"Maybe you're not worth coming back for," he spat angrily.
"So why the fuck are you still standing here?" she snapped angrily in defense.
"I don't know," he shrugged, "can't see anything to stay for." He turned away from her angrily and stormed out of the front door, grabbing his jacket on the way out. As the door slammed she felt her breath stolen away from her. She bit her lower lip anxiously unsure of whether to scream or to cry.
"What was that all about?" Kennedy asked cautiously as she walked out of her bedroom. Faith's silence confused her – she wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't answer or if she was just giving her attitude. She walked closer, really unsure of which extreme Faith was at, and as she got a look at her face she asked again, "Faith, what's wrong? Where's Xander?"
"He… umm… went out," she answered slowly. The words sunk into her head even more as she spoke them.
"It's four a.m., where the hell was he going?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Okay…" Kennedy agreed, trying to not escalate the tension she felt radiating off of Faith.
"See, you have the right fucking idea… men suck." Kennedy laughed,
"Yeah…" She watched Faith quietly for a moment and she began to pace in an askew line around the kitchen. "Faith, where'd he go?" she ventured to ask again.
"To go find some other girl to fuck."
"He wouldn't do that!"
"No one would fuck him anyway," she spat angrily, "so I'm not worried."
"Then why are you pacing?"
"I'm not," she answered, making herself sit down on the kitchen table. "I don't care," she stated clearly as if she had to make sure she heard it right to make it really true. She grabbed a box of cigarettes from the table and lit one.
"Did he really go to do that or are you just mad at each other?" She nodded pensively and answered,
"Yeah, he did…" She didn't feel like really talking anymore and Kennedy noticed her getting quieter and quieter as she withdrew back into herself. With every inhale of smoke she sunk down deeper and ever exhale just showed the stream of the long path down to where she was hiding inside.
"Maybe I should go get him," Kennedy offered, seeing that Xander wasn't returning and that Faith had no intention of going after him.
"Nah…" she answered so nonchalantly that it scared Kennedy. "Let him go have a good time."
"Faith…"
"What?"
"I just didn't assume you were the type of girl to be okay with letting your guy sleep with someone else."
"It's fine… let him go be someone else's guy from now on," she answered indifferently. By now she had had enough time to convince herself that she didn't care and truly appear as though that were true.
"You don't mean that."
"Wanna bet?" she asked, grabbing the Vodka bottle off of the table and threw it with all of her strength at the door he had just walked out of a few minutes ago. "Fucking asshole," she whined to herself as she turned away from the door covered in alcohol with shards of glass surrounding it. Kennedy watched her carefully as she covered her face with one of her hands. She wasn't crying but the frustration and defeat on her face was more than obvious.
"Faith…" Kennedy asked cautiously.
"I don't fucking care," Faith repeated, trying to convince herself again. "They're all the same," she muttered angrily.
"You're assuming a lot here, Faith," Kennedy added, talking practically to herself as Faith completely blocked everything out. "He's probably just going to go out for a drink… I mean, come on, there's no way Xander would ever pick up a girl and just do her…"
---------------
"Do me… just like that… yeah… oh yeah…" a blonde girl moaned as Xander thrust in and out of her. She was facing away from him, leaning on top of the hood of her car in the back of an alley. Xander hovered over her powerfully with his hand wrapped in her hair holding it in a tight grip – making him feel in control of her. No matter how close he was with Faith or how submissive she pretended to be for him, he never felt in control of her in the least. It left him hungry for that kind of false power this raw physical contact could provide (or at least pretend to).
"You want this, don't you?" he demanded to know, almost viciously as he pulled her head back to look at him by her hair. "Say it! You want me!"
"I want you," she answered enthusiastically.
"And you want me just like this! Say it."
"Just like that, baby… oh, more!"
---------------
Kennedy walked out of her bedroom a few hours later, following Willow to the kitchen to begin her regular routine. It was definitely uncharacteristic of Kennedy to be even close to awake and there she was following close behind Willow.
"Why are you up again?" Willow asked, still having been unable to get a real answer. As they passed by Xander and Faith's bedroom Kennedy saw the door was still slightly ajar and in exactly the same position it was earlier when she watched Faith walk through it… alone. Sleep had been a abstract concept for her after seeing the state that Faith was in.
Willow noticed Kennedy stop by the door after carefully analyzing it.
"What happened?" Kennedy couldn't really even make herself talk about it. She felt that if she retold the events to Willow it almost solidified them and made them more permanent. "Kennedy, what happened?" she pressed. As they both approached the kitchen with Willow's continuous questioning it was only stopped by the opening of the front door.
Xander walked in clearly exhausted both emotionally as well as physically.
"Xander, what's wrong? What happened?" Willow asked frantically – the worry clouding the situation from her eyes.
"Nothing."
"Are you alright?"
"Oh, he's just fine," Kennedy answered for him. She flashed him a scornful glare and added, "I can't fucking believe you." The statement and look were enough to make anyone feel badly but the hope that was obviously broken in her tone because she was sure Xander had done what Faith was so afraid of, made it almost unbearable to him.
"Please, Kennedy," he begged, not wanting to fight with anyone anymore.
"Good idea, warm up on the begging. If I didn't think Faith would just spit in your face I'd suggest flowers or something, but I don't think she cares about shit like that."
"Xander, did you?" Willow asked, hoping for a negative answer desperately. He stared blankly back at her then turned towards the kitchen.
"Well?" Kennedy asked obnoxiously.
"Fuck off, would you, Kennedy?" he screamed angrily. He was being explosively withdrawn. It was a strange combination but it was how he felt. He was feeling regret and guilt puddle inside of him but he needed to act like it didn't matter to him.
"I'd say you should lie to her but she's going to be able to tell as soon as she looks at you," she answered angrily. He pulled open the drawer with his meds and extracted two pills from one of the bottles.
"Really I'm not looking for your suggestions on this, Kennedy, so back off."
"You couldn't have fucked this up worse!"
"Baby," Willow soothed, seeing how upset Kennedy was getting.
"How can he do that to her?" she asked Willow through tear filled eyes. "She's gonna leave… you know she will! She's going to go and… I don't want her to leave, Willow, I can't have her leave! How could he?" Xander ignored them and swallowed the pills with a couple gulps of water from the sink.
"Xander?" Willow asked cautiously, unable to identify his mood. Without even an acknowledgement of her, he walked away and into his bedroom.
----------
Faith was sitting on their bed hugging her knees to her chest under Xander's sweatshirt which fit her very loosely. Xander walked in and made the first mistake of looking right at her as soon as he walked in. Immediately he felt six inches smaller in her presence. He quickly moved his gaze down to the floor and over to his closet as he pulled his coat off. He tossed it onto a chair near his stuff but then he realized in the short moment he had looked at her, which sweatshirt of his she was wearing. His insides tightened again as he realized he had the ring he was going to give to her in that sweatshirt pocket.
"You looked at it, didn't you?" he asked, his tone surprising her with it's anger. At first she wanted to respond back with anger because she was the one who should've been angry but it almost intimidated her and backed her off; it wasn't like dealing with Xander anymore it was like she was dealing with one of her other old boyfriends.
"Yeah," she answered, trying to sound unaffected.
"Why?" She paused a moment then answered,
"I don't know." He glanced up again, thankful that the room was so dim so he didn't have to look into her face. He saw the box on the table next to the bed, furthest away from where she was sitting. He walked over to that side of the bed and grabbed the box and opened it. He couldn't help but feel his heart sink when he saw that the ring was still inside and he asked,
"What? Not big enough for you?"
"Dick's have to be big enough. Ring's don't," she answered defensively.
"So what's the problem?" he asked angrily.
"What?"
"You didn't take it."
"Why would I?" she asked, confused. "It's not mine."
"Yeah it is," he answered, his tone marginally softer. "I told you that."
"You didn't give it to me though," she explained stiffly. She still sat in the same position on the bed, thankful that her arms gripping her legs were covered by his sweatshirt. She knew if she looked at her hands they would be white from gripping so hard.
"Here," he answered blankly, tossing the box with the ring in it to her. She caught it stiffly and he added, "now I gave it to you."
"Gee," she answered sarcastically, "I never was one for the romantic bullshit but damn. Having a guy toss you a ring from across the room after he's been fucking some other chick all night and saying 'here' really does bring me down to a whole different level." Her tone was biting but the pain in it was so obvious.
"What? You want me down on one knee or something?" he asked sardonically. She shook her head and answered with her voice caught in her throat,
"No, I don't want you to do anything." Her tone made it impossible for him to pretend to not care anymore. He saw her quickly wipe a tear off of her cheek with her right hand and then quickly toss the box a couple inches away from her on the bed. He walked up to her side of the bed and picked up the box,
"Faith, how do you want me to give it to you?" he asked, his voice pretending to be frustrated, but really he was starting to feel like a complete asshole. She just shook her head, unable to do anything else. He was standing closer to her than he was before and the smell of another woman on him made her sick. Up until this point there was a shred of hope inside of her that he hadn't cheated on her but now there was no doubt in her mind. "Look at me," he demanded, seeing her shaking.
"Can you go take a shower?" she asked softly.
"Can you look at me?"
"No," she answered honestly. "Please go take a shower," she added more demandingly. He didn't know what to do but with the two choices he had – to listen or to not – he chose to not listen. He put his hand on her arm, which was shaking strongly. He saw her straining not to cry. "Don't touch me."
"Faith…"
"You're going to make me throw up if you don't go take a shower, Xander."
"Faith, I-"
"Xander!" she answered, screaming for the first time. She climbed off of the bed on the side that he wasn't standing on. "I can fucking smell her all over you! You're a stupid piece of shit and I hate you, Xander… I can't believe you…" she added as she began to rummage through her clothes on a chair.
"Faith, what are you doing?" he asked as he walked around the bed to where she was now standing.
"You're all the same…"
"Faith…"
"You told me you were different! You told me you wouldn't put me through this!"
He felt his heart finally jump into his throat. He was trying to pretend it didn't bother him; trying to pretend that he was a 'big man' and he was allowed to act out the way he had. And as he was with the other girl that night – as much as he hated it, he knew – he was doing it partially because he knew how much it would hurt her. Well, he thought he knew how much it would hurt her, but seeing her face and being in this room with her he was quickly corrected into realizing that he had no idea of how much pain he put her in.
He wanted to hurt her. Subconsciously he was thinking if he hurt her now that when he died it wouldn't hurt her as much and in the long run he would be saving her the pain of losing him. In a way he wanted her to want him to die so it would be easier. He wanted her to hate him.
"Well I am, okay? I'm like every other piece of shit you've ever spread your legs for, alright?" he screamed back at her.
--------------
Willow walked through the kitchen to get a book she had forgotten and from their bedroom she thought she was hearing too much arguing. But she received an entirely new perspective on the volume of screaming as she made her way through the kitchen. The fighting made her uncomfortable; she was never in a household with a lot of fighting and she didn't like it. Besides which, Faith and Xander had both been in 'fighting households' since they were born and both of them were professionals at it by now. Faith was the one with the most experience in screaming back but Xander had amassed quite a bit of anger inside of himself that he was unleashing.
She quickly made her way back to her bedroom, finding herself practically running through the hallway. Kennedy had been quiet all morning lost in her own thoughts.
"It's pretty bad out there," Willow admitted.
"Well, when you put together two extremely angry, repressed people who are only made happy by the other and do something to rip them apart the way all of this has you usually end up with screaming like that…"
"Do you want to go for a walk or go out to breakfast or something?" Willow suggested, seeing how stressed Kennedy was.
"Once they calm down I'll go."
-------------------
"You know, out of all the scumbags you've fucked I'm surprised you stopped at me. Like you say, all guys are shit but it just confuses me that you couldn't find yourself a hot piece of garbage to stay with. I mean, judging by your track record and all the baggage I would assume you'd want some good looking guy who treats you like shit. Why'd you settle for an ugly fuck like me who treats you like that? Huh, Faith? Not even how good you look can make up for the rest of your fucking package! You settled for a guy like me because you know you can't fucking do better! No one in their right fucking mind would want to deal with you!"
He stopped, knowing somehow that she wasn't about to say anything back to him. She stood a couple feet away with her back to him as she tossed together her clothes in a pile. He could see her shaking from where he stood even in the dim lighting and the tightness of her breath. She didn't answer him she just continued to throw her things together. He ignored what she was doing until she picked up a backpack from the floor and started opening it to pack her things and a sudden anxiety rushed through him.
"Faith, what the fuck are you doing?" His tone somehow managed to stay steady and strong despite his nervousness. She continued to throw her things inside of the bag ignoring anything he said. "You don't have anywhere else to go!"
"Recurring theme in my life," she muttered. He walked up to her from behind and put his hands on her arms gently and despite their hostile argument he noticed her arms stopped shaking as he touched her.
"Please don't touch me," she said practically begging. He dropped his hands off of her arms, defeated by her weak plea. Gaining a second wind she quickly grabbed up the bag – needing to get out before she caved to any affectionate gesture from him – and walked over to one of their shelves where a lot of her loose things were. With part of the bag open she used her hand to slide all of her makeup and any other things on the shelf into the bag. She zipped it up and practically ran for the door.
"Faith! Where the fuck are you going?" he yelled as he followed her out of the bedroom.
-----------
Willow and Kennedy both heard the door to their bedroom slam open and Xander calling Faith back. Before Willow could even process what was going on Kennedy had leapt off of the bed and was at their door. The tension from their argument acted like a barrier keeping her in her bedroom doorway, where Willow stood behind her moments later.
"Baby, don't do this…"
"Baby, sweetie, honey. Got anymore, asshole?" she asked angrily.
"You can't leave!"
"Watch me," she spat back. He grabbed her arm roughly and pulled her into him with surprising force. She dropped her bag accidentally,
"Faith, you're not leaving."
"Don't! Touch! Me!" she screamed in his face. He could see in her face how stressed she was and how out of breath this whole ordeal had made her.
"Faith, listen to me, okay?" he said, his tone suddenly dropping from argumentative to one that was just trying to stay composed. He felt her freeze under his touch and it sent daggers to his chest. "Faith…" he began but his voice cracked as tears began to fall from his eye. "If you don't want to be around me then I'll leave, okay? You don't have to go… you didn't do anything wrong, okay?"
"Don't you dare cry," she warned through her own tears. She could see his hands shaking as badly as she was as he continued to hold her arms. "Let me go," she added firmly. Like a blaze of fire igniting a line of gasoline Xander's emotions flashed to the forefront where nothing could be hidden from the brightly lit surface. He grabbed the sweatshirt she was wearing in his grip and buried his face in her chest as he began sobbing and crying hysterically.
"Baby, I'm… I'm so sorry… I'm so scared… I just don't… want to die…" he raised his head to hers, which was soaked with tears and continued, "I don't know how to fix this but I'm scared Faith, and I can't do this without you… I don't know why… I'm just so sorry… I love you so much… and I just hurt you so bad and I'm just so sorry…"
And here it was – Xander's complete emotional breakdown. She stood there like a frozen rod unable to decipher between all of her emotions. He held her tightly and giving up on trying to speak he buried his face against her again, crying a stream of tears onto her chest.
"Xander, you need to stop this," she stated trying to back away from him. "Xander, I'm leaving," she stated again, this time pushing against him to make him let her go. She didn't want to do anything but be there with him and just cry but he had hurt her and even though a part of her wanted to trust him again another part of her didn't trust anybody.
"Faith, please…" he begged, still holding the sweatshirt. "I'll leave just let me hold you for a minute. Please just give me that…"
"Xander, no," she answered pulling away from him. He dropped down to his knees and threw his arms around her waist to keep her from leaving him.
"Faith, I'm sorry! Please believe that I am… I need you… I'm so scared to die! I don't want to die without you! Faith, please…" he begged uncontrollably. Faith stood up straight trying to get a deep breath in to keep herself together. She looked up at the ceiling for a moment then looked back down at him. She saw a stream of red on her jeans that hadn't been there before. There were several small spots and after a moment of registration she grabbed his face and tilted it up towards hers. His nose was bleeding, now in a steady stream of blood from both nostrils.
"Oh my God!" she said, panicking immediately. "Willow!" she called out anxiously enough for a her voice to crack. Willow was still standing in the door and both her and Kennedy quickly jumped towards Faith. Faith immediately dropped to her knees to be level with him and held his face with her hand. "You need to calm down, okay? Please calm down, Xander, please. Just… just umm…"
There was a new side of Faith that few had ever seen before. Up until this point, Kennedy had always thought Faith was unflappable, which is what made her such a great fighter. No type of surprise or trick could make her panic and she was always able to maintain composure in pressing situations. But right now seeing someone who she openly loved so much, all of that composure practically dissipated without a trace.
"Don't leave me, please don't leave me… I'm scared… I'm so scared… baby, don't leave me," he continued, still unable to stop being hysterical.
"I'm not leaving, okay?" she soothed, trying to keep her own voice steady.
"Oh my God," Willow repeated as she saw what Faith had suddenly panicked about. "Grab me a towel," she called to Kennedy. She fetched one quickly and Willow put it under the flow of blood.
"It's okay," Faith soothed.
"Then why are you crying like that?" he asked.
"I'm going to call his doctor and figure this out," Willow stated, "why don't you take him to lie down?" With a nod Faith stood up and helped Xander to his feet while keeping the towel pressed firmly to his nose.
------------
"I'm sorry."
"Can you stop saying that?" she asked as she paced around the bedroom nervously. "It's fine."
"If it's fine then why won't you come over here?" Before she could answer Kennedy came into the room.
"The doc said it's normal."
"Normal? Bleeding like that isn't normal!" Faith answered angrily.
"It's just part of what's going on with the infection and-"
"That's not fucking normal, don't tell me it's normal like I'm some fucking idiot!"
"Faith…" Faith turned away from Kennedy and pulled into a quick breath to calm herself. The room was quiet so Kennedy walked out. She was happy at least that they hadn't inquired where Willow was. She walked into her own bedroom and sat down on the bed. She rubbed Willow's back gently as she wept into her pillow quietly.
"So this is just part of what's going on," Faith repeated, trying to make herself believe it. "Scared the shit out of me."
"I saw that," he acknowledged, remembering how quickly she shifted from leaving him to holding him.
"Just a stupid fucking false alarm," she added. She got very quiet for a long moment and he asked cautiously,
"What's wrong?"
"I would've hated myself if the last thing we did was scream at each other," she admitted surprisingly.
"You thought I was just going to keel over out there?" he asked with a laugh.
"I wouldn't still be here if I didn't," she answered quietly. Her tone was mumbled and very quiet but he heard her like it had been spoken right to him.
"You know I'm not bullshitting you, right?" he asked seriously.
"About what?" she asked, turning back towards him from lighting a cigarette.
"I am sorry."
"Good," she answered indifferently.
"And I am scared to die… but I'm even more scared to lose you," he admitted, still maintaining a completely serious tone.
"Yeah, how pathetic would that be that you've held onto me longer than anyone ever has and you can't even keep me for another day or two," she answered sarcastically.
"Hopefully more than just a day or two," he added enthusiastically.
"Yeah… sure…"
"Am I witnessing Faith give up on something?" he asked, slightly mocking her.
"I've given up way more than a little in my life, Xander. Where the hell have you been?"
She was backing him off left and right. If he thought she wouldn't kill him instantly he'd run in and try and steal a hug or something but it didn't seem that that would be in the cards – safely anyway. He sat on the bed trying desperately to figure out the best thing to do as he watched her pace back and forth in front of him smoking her cigarette. Talk, he commanded himself, he needed to talk to her. Part of him wanted to just give up too since whatever he said was just going to get shut down immediately by her. But he deserved this – he reminded himself – any compensation he had to make for what he had done was deserved.
"I think," he spoke slowly and meaningfully, "I did what I did because-"
"Save the speech, Xander. I'm an expert on 'meaningful meaningless sex'."
"I guess you are, huh?" he agreed.
"Unfortunately," she added.
"Faith," he cut in, his tone finally showing confidence but not anger. "I understand the hurt and pain in your voice, I really do and it makes me hate myself. But I'm not sure I understand the anger and hostility…" She paused a minute, really thinking over what he was asking and answered,
"I'm really pissed off at myself," she answered honestly.
"Why?" he asked, now thoroughly confused.
"I should know by now that I can't trust anybody, myself fucking included. But that's my problem, I just never fucking learn. I'm all careful about trusting anyone but then there's just some people that make me want to trust them and then I do and then bam, I finally realize that once again I've been fucked with." She continued to pace back and forth, now more speaking to herself out loud than to him. "That's my biggest weakness though… I really do need somebody… it just sucks that no one seems to really need me back."
"Faith, that's not true."
"How are you going to stand there and tell me that that's not true?"
"Because I know I need you."
"Seems to me that you got your rocks off just fine without me tonight… you just need any girl."
"There's so much more that I need from you than just that, Faith."
"And yet, you knowingly just gave it all up to fuck someone else," she delivered dramatically and more than a little mockingly. He could tell how much she had sat there and thought this over while he was gone.
He remained quiet, unsure of how to voice a protest against her accusations. Maybe him shutting up right now was the best plan, he thought, because everything he was saying just seemed to be digging his hole a little deeper. A part of him, a part that loved Faith very much, didn't want her to forgive him. He agreed with her; he was a complete piece of shit and he didn't deserve her in general, and he certainly didn't deserve her to forgive him.
She was quiet right now too. She finished her cigarette and pressed it firmly against the window sill to extinguish the small flame. He watched her flick it out of the window like she usually did and he just took everything about her into his memory.
"So are you done bleeding on me?" she asked, with a hint of levity hidden in the back of her tone.
"Well," he answered, clearly thinking about it, "I don't think there's anymore blood left in my brain and you won't come within ten feet of me so I'm fairly certain I'm done…"
"Good," she answered quietly, "I'm not really into this fashion trend anymore." He realized how the blood on her clothes was probably triggering off memories of hers left and right and he chalked up another reason on his board as to why he should be sorry. Well, this was a step in the better direction, he thought, as she unbuttoned her jeans and shimmied out of them. He couldn't help but stare. As a force of habit she looked where she usually kept her clothes, you know, the ones that were now packed in her bag. After looking for a few moments she realized her error and glanced up towards the bed. Her bag was leaning on the bed where he was sitting with his legs dangling next to it.
He followed her eyes which were shooting back and forth from him and her bag. He saw her hesitation in not wanting to walk over to him so he grabbed the bag off of the floor and pulled it up onto the bed.
"What do you want to wear?" he asked, unzipping the bag.
"Whatever's on top." He shuffled through the top part of the bag and couldn't find anything resembling pants.
"Packing skills are definitely not part of the Slayer package, huh?" She didn't answer, she just waited impatiently for a pair of pants. "I've never seen you in this," he commented, holding up a short skirt. Again, no answer just an impatient stare. His frustration as a male trying to dress his girlfriend and his frustration of her not being able to be within ten feet of him finally bubbled over. "God damn it, Faith! I'm a cheating piece of shit but I'm not some fucking rapist! You can come within five fucking feet of me, you know?" She stood there pensively for another moment and his self-loathing continued to grow.
She hesitated for another long moment then walked up to him. It confused him when she took the bag from next to him and moved it over about a foot away but then she turned slightly and sat down gently on his lap. She positioned herself carefully so that her legs dangled over the side of one of his and her head could rest comfortably nestled between his shoulder and his neck. One of her arms remained nestled at her side and she had the other holding him around his neck. He was shocked!
She lifted her head slightly from his shoulder and kissed the corner of his mouth gently as if she was unsure of whether he'd let her.
"Xander, do you still want me?"
"What?" he asked, confused by her actions and insecurities. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and thanked anything and everything that made her somehow love him. "I love you." She nodded and kissed the corner of his mouth again. He held her tightly with one arm and rubbed the outside of her leg and arm and cheek with the other; he loved every inch of her.
She didn't want him to go but she hated herself for being able to smell another girl on him. She kissed the corner of his mouth again, almost nervously, before she asked,
"Can you go take a shower?"
"Yeah," he answered understandingly. He kissed her lovingly on her forehead then stood, picking her up with him and turned and laid her down on the bed gently. "I'll be right back," he promised kissing her knee affectionately. She smiled slightly and he knew how much effort it took from her.
There were several times during their relationship when Xander made mental notes of how much he didn't deserve her. He decided this was definitely the one that would stand out the most in his memory.
----------------
"Let's go out to breakfast," Kennedy suggested as soon as she got the opportunity. There had been few opportunities between Willow's crying fits to bring up the idea that really was initially Willow's idea. She had wanted to wait until Faith and Xander's fight had cooled down – at one point she wasn't sure if it would – but now that it had, she wanted to get some space and leave the house that was filled with practically tangible tension.
"Okay," Willow answered, her tone breathy from crying so much. "Let's go…"
Instead of going to their usual diner, Kennedy suggested they go somewhere knew to minimize the number of surroundings that would bring back memories to Willow. She hadn't been able to get a full explanation from her since she had spoken with the doctor earlier but it was clear that the prognosis wasn't promising.
Kennedy hated seeing people cry and she especially hated being with people while they cried. The whole experience was something she couldn't handle. So even without say, she'd been struggling this week without even going into being upset over Xander. She had been able to learn a lot about Willow and Faith in the last few days though. She realized Faith was one of those people who never cried until finally she would hit the wall and have a complete breakdown. It actually surprised her a bit as to how much Faith had been crying lately; it only gave proof towards how much Faith actually was in love with him.
When it came to Willow, in many ways it was similar to Faith but it was also very different. Willow was usually very honest with her feelings and initially she had been but then it seemed that she realized she was showing them in front of Xander and she wanted all of the time he had left to be with happy people, so she forced herself to be happy. She had been forcing herself all week to just be happy constantly; even in private when they were in their room she still pretended to be alright as though, if she admitted it then, she wouldn't be able to hide it well enough later. But this morning had been frightening for everyone.
Seeing Xander with streams of blood flowing from his nose was probably the scariest sight she had ever seen. It was a strange realization for everyone because although his death was expected, no one was clear on what was going to happen as he died. No one knew what was going to be the sign that he was… well, done. Would it be a nose bleed? Would it be a painful headache? Would he scream out in pain? For something that they knew an unusually large amount prior, they really knew very little.
But Kennedy was still trying to figure out which part of it scared her more: seeing the blood streaming like a river on his face or hearing the scream of panic that escaped Faith's throat. It was a cry she had never imagined being capable of coming from Faith.
--------------------
Xander got out of the shower and pulled the towel off of the sink. He ran it down the length of the mirror, creating a vertical streak where he could see about half of his face at a time. Then he took it and wrapped it around his waist. For a man who was going to die he felt amazingly lucky. And he knew why he felt lucky; he had Faith.
He walked out of the bathroom and saw her lying on the bed. He could only imagine how exhausted she was. She hadn't slept as far as he knew since he told her his news five days earlier. She wasn't asleep but her eyes looked heavy and as though they were using every ounce of her Slayer strength to hold them open.
He changed, pulling on a pair of boxer shorts then he ran his fingers through his hair as a comb. He could feel her watching everything he was doing and he liked it. He liked feeling her eyes on him.
"Xander…" He turned to her quickly, wanting to do anything she requested. "Can you come lie down with me?" Without a word he walked straight over to the bed and lied down next to her. He was careful to keep his affections inward, not wanting to be too touchy right now since he knew she was still figuring out where he stood in her head. He thought she would never touch him again but once again she shocked him and ran her hand along his face gently. She then ran her own fingers through his hair, trying to memorize every single strand.
She rested her head on his arm and fell into a daze, which was as close to sleep as she'd come in the last couple of days.
----------
He watched her lie there, resting her head on his arm as she stared at his chest. Her gaze was unnervingly blank to him and he didn't quite understand why. He kissed her forehead needing to confirm that she was still really there despite how far away her gaze made her seem.
"Why don't you try and get some sleep?" Her entire lack of response to his suggestion confused him; he even questioned whether he had actually spoken aloud by how unacknowledged his words went. He gave her several more long moments to respond but there was nothing. "Faith…" he said softly, touching her jaw with his fingers. Her face didn't move but her eyes tilted up towards him slowly. "You need to talk to me," he stated, finally allowing himself to have confidence in how much he really did understand her at this point.
He was one of the only people in the world right now that could say they knew her this well. It was easy to be backed off from where he stood but he had to remember an important fact with her – she felt more comfortable around people who she couldn't get to back down from her. They had laid in bed for the entire morning and it was now well past noon.
"You're only this quiet when everything is screaming at you on the inside. Tell me…"
She moved her hand to his shoulder and pulled herself closer to him so that there bodies were now pressed comfortably together and she buried her face quietly between his chest and chin. She held her arm around his neck, holding him close to her as she lay there in silence.
"Faith," he said, touching her arm around him and taking her hand in his and bringing it back in front of him as he leaned his head back so he could actually see her, "tell me…"
"What do you want me to say?" she asked quietly.
"You need to talk… baby, that's why we worked out - because you could talk to me."
"I want you to just hold me," she answered, trying to go back to the position he had just removed her from. He took a deep breath trying to amass his emotional strength as well as some eloquence to word everything just right.
"Faith, if I thought being held was what you really needed right now I would do it… but it's not. You need to talk to me." Several moments went by in silence; Xander even watched the clock on the side of their bed and as twelve minutes had ticked by when he was just beginning to doubt his confidence in just giving her time to say something she answered,
"I feel like I'm dying." She did know what that felt like, didn't she, he thought. "I feel like you're drifting away from me… and that I can't get you close to me…" she pulled herself another half inch closer to him as though physical closeness would compensate for what she was feeling, "and I just feel empty and…" She ended her words but Xander could tell it wasn't from a lack of them, it was because she had stopped herself from saying the last thing.
"And what, Faith?" She didn't answer for another minute and he pressed again, "…baby, and what?"
"Do you love me?" she asked in a tone that broke his heart.
"I love you very much. You feel unloved?" Just hearing what she felt so simply stated was more than she was confident enough to deal with.
"Xander, I can't get any closer to you!" she said sitting up in the bed, "I mean literally, there's no fucking way for me to be any nearer and I… I just can't… I can't fucking… I… I'm fucking empty and I don't… being close to you makes that go away and it's not working!" He listened to her emotional outburst quietly but he was listening to her and making sure she knew he was listening to her. She even went as far as to grab him and pull herself close to him, "I can't get any fucking closer!"
And the pieces to the complex puzzle suddenly fell right into place in his lap as she through the pieces around angrily. He suddenly saw every facet of her personality explained and proved to him as though it were a mathematical equation with theorems and proofs written neatly down on a yellow pad of paper and handed to him.
He sat up and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him. She wasn't crying but she was shaking from all of the frustration that she just couldn't deal with. He understood it all. He felt like someone who had just solved the mystery of the world and he'd reached a completely new level of enlightenment because of it.
"Faith, can I ask you two questions?"
"Yeah," she answered, unsure of why he thought he needed permission.
"They're tough questions…"
"Okay," she answered, still unsure.
"There was another time in your life when you felt like this, wasn't there?" As difficult as the question was he knew it wouldn't take her long to answer because it was probably piece of why she was so upset. She nodded her head, only comfortable with that answer and not anything including more detail.
"Can I ask you another one?" She nodded again and he asked, "you were a virgin before your mother died, weren't you?" She stared at him, clearly caught off guard by the question, but not entire naïve of what he was getting at. "You never slept with anyone until after your mother died, did you?"
"So what?" she asked, very uncomfortable with the silence as he thought over the answers she had given as though he hadn't been more than a hundred percent sure of what the answers already were.
They were conclusions on her that proved his hypothesis' since the first day he had met her. They were something that he had somehow always known but had never had any tangible way of knowing them. Faith dealt with everything in her life physically. She acknowledged things on an intellectual level but as soon as they were there she immediately, subconsciously shifted them to a physical realm where they could be easily dealt with rather than emotionally.
"Xander, hump or get off, what the fuck do you want?"
He heard her but he was too enthralled with the questions that were being answered everywhere inside of his head. Her mother died and she felt empty, alone, and unloved… turn that into something to solve physically and you end up with sex, sex, and more sex. On some level it was obvious that she had figured out that wasn't something that worked because if anything she had been wanting to have sex less lately rather than more.
"What the fuck do you want from me!?" she screamed, now threatening to get off of the bed.
"Why are you getting so angry?"
"Why the fuck does it matter when I started banging guys?" she yelled, exposing a vulnerability it was meant to conceal.
"Why are you so scared of someone knowing you and what you've gone through?" he asked, standing up and walking to her.
"You don't fucking know me!"
"Yes I do!" he yelled back. "I know you better than anybody and you love me for it." She looked over at him knowing that everything he said couldn't have been truer. She nodded, more to herself than to him, but they both saw it.
"I do love you," she answered quietly. He saw the tears begin to flow at the corner of her eyes and she added, "why do they have to take you away from me too? I just don't understand… I could've been Buffy! I would've been so good if they hadn't taken her away from me! Why did they take her away?" she asked before roughly wiping the tears away from her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him as her tears ceased. "Why do they get to take you away too?" He held her but didn't 'shh' her or try and get her to stop crying, this is what she needed to do and he wanted her to say all of those things that were inside of her. "Why did that girl get to have you today instead of me? Why are they just fucking spitting on me!? I'm trying to do it right, Xander, I'm trying! Why are they always punishing me?" She paused then asked, "why do I want you inside of me more than I want you to answer me?"
He kissed her forehead and held her tightly. He held her until she stopped shaking – now knowing that right now all she needed was holding. After she was calmed down he kissed her motioned for her to stay put. He parted himself from her and walked over to a table and picked up the box with the engagement ring inside of it. He walked over to her and kneeled down in front of her taking her hand in his and he could only liken her breathing and nervousness to what his must've been like during his first time.
"Faith… my original plan was to do this a couple of days ago and to ask you to marry me… but that plan obviously got changed. I want to give this to you as something for you to always know just how much I love and treasure you. I know there are going to be a lot of times when that's going to be hard to hold onto but I really hope that having this will always make you know what you mean to me. Despite the bad news I got at the beginning of the week I still think that you've made me the luckiest man in the world…" he glanced up into her eyes as he took the ring out of the box and saw the unforgettable shine in her eyes. He slid the ring onto her finger and kissed her hand before standing up. "Baby, I love you."
She stood frozen in front of him standing on completely unfamiliar, un-dreamed of ground for her. He touched her cheek with his hand and kissed her lovingly. "I think I understand…"
--------------
Kennedy opened the door, completely unsure of who would be on the other side.
"Hey!" Buffy greeted happily. Kennedy saw the customary pizza boxes in her hand and was immediately reminded that she had completely forgotten Pizza Night. It had become a weekly tradition for the gang since it was more than just introduced by Faith and Xander but demanded! With all the things happening that week she had forgotten and it seemed that everyone else in their apartment had also. It was one of the first moments for Kennedy to truly understand how there ever could have been such a strong bond between the gang and Buffy. At that moment, with that enthusiastic smile at the front door, she got a sense of how it all worked. She might even go as far as to say she had a quick glimpse as to what they were like when they were younger; kind of as a flashback.
Giles followed closely behind Buffy with several bags in both hands filled with the expected brews, followed by Dawn who carried an armful of sodas.
"Pizza," Buffy called out encouragingly. Usually that was what got Xander to come out of his room and then Giles followed it with the customary,
"Beer!" for Faith's expected emergence. It took a few moments longer than usual but a bright smile spread across Kennedy's face as the door to their bedroom opened and they walked out seeming happy. Everyone saw a sight that they didn't really expect –
Xander exited the room first, wearing his goofy grin, which was not only expected by really hoped for to brighten everyone's day, but it was the subtlety that followed that would forever be present in their minds. He walked out holding Faith's hand as she followed him out of the room. It seemed silly to all of them that such a small thing was so pleasantly shocking to them but it was just the way the picture of the two of them together looked. Buffy could only explain it to herself as it was what she always pictured a couple to look like the day after their wedding or something. They just seemed perfectly fit…
Faith leaned over to him so her lips were right up against his ear and whispered something to him that made him grin. She smiled back at him in a way that Buffy knew epitomized her personality but it made her realize how long it had been since she had seen that untainted smile.
"Hey guys," Faith greeted. Everyone suddenly realized that the past few moments had been like they were running in slow motion and with Faith's greeting it was clicked back into real time. Xander gave her a soft pat on her butt as she walked past him towards the pizza and bottles of beer. The whole room resumed in the quick movements to and fro with the dozens of conversations flowing at once.
Kennedy grabbed a beer and took a seat towards the wall in the kitchen so she got a view of everyone as if she were on the outside looking in at people she had never met before. This was what made their group such an amazing group of people – somehow this one scene to her explained it all. And it also explained how both Buffy and Faith felt so betrayed when things went wrong. Their body language and tone and attitude… it just all seemed to work and she felt lucky to get such a glimpse into their past.
Faith was over at the pizza box taking out a couple of slices as Xander talked with Dawn briefly on the other side of the kitchen. Xander eventually made his way over towards the pizza and Kennedy watched Faith hand him the pizza she had assumed was for herself. She realized that there was just no getting the grin off of her face when she saw Xander kiss Faith appreciatively but naturally. They were obviously showing more affection in front of the crew then usual but it wasn't in an overly dramatic or suffocating way; they were both just being themselves and their affections for each other seemed so natural. It was just something the rest of them hadn't had the chance to view yet.
After everyone had gotten their first round of slices and their beer they all gathered in front of the television. The atmosphere didn't feel like it had felt all week long, it felt like it usually did on any other Pizza Night. Somehow the weekly night had become a time when no matter what the previous week had been like everyone gathered together and they were all just happy to still be together. Faith always said that was thanks to the beer but Xander would always counter that he thought it was the pizza.
"Who needs another one?" Faith asked after she finished her first beer. When everyone quickly raised their hands she answered, "Whoa, who wants to help me carry all of those?" Kennedy was about jump up to help but to her surprise Buffy was already up.
"So what's up?" Buffy asked as Faith sorted through all of the different beers in the fridge to get everyone's individual preference.
"Oh, careful," Faith said cautioning her, and painting a completely confused expression on Buffy's face, "Xander just painted down a new coat of egg shells on the floor." It took a moment for Buffy to realize she was being mocked because there was just a certain way that Faith was able to do that so professionally. She realized it quickly and answered,
"Sorry… I just heard you guys had a rough morning."
"Yeah," she answered with a shrug. She opened a drawer and pulled out her car keys which had a bottle opener attached to the key ring. She opened all of the beers in a way that Buffy wasn't sure she would be able to do so quickly even if she practiced for a year.
"I heard it was a really rough morning," she pressed. Faith nodded,
"It was."
"I'm a little surprised that you're as happy as you are right now…"
"If you think you're the only one that I confuse you're wrong," she said with a laugh. "I can't not be with him, B… I just… he's the only thing that makes me happy. I don't think there's anything he could do that I wouldn't get over so I could still be with him." Buffy nodded and she added, "he's the only one."
Buffy realized how touching it was to hear Ms. Want Take Have saying openly that she only wanted Xander but she also realized just how distraught Faith was soon going to be. But the way everyone was acting tonight it made it easy to overlook that second half and just enjoy the present where they all had Xander, a man they all loved.
"I don't think I've seen you smile like that in a while," Buffy noted giving her a playful nudge.
"I don't know what you're talking about B, I'm like the smile-iest person ever!" Faith started handed Buffy a few bottles of beer and Buffy caught a glance (not that it was difficult) at the huge rock on her finger. "This one's Robin," she pointed to the beer, "this one's Giles… and this one's Willow."
"You know," Buffy began, "besides for me missing the whole smiling thing, I'm not so sure I've ever seen that before either," she said motioning towards the ring.
"Shut up," Faith warned playfully.
"It's really nice," Buffy observed. She put down the beers and grabbed Faith's hand wanting a closer look. "Wow," she finally stated. "You're going to build up muscles on that arm carrying that thing around!"
"You're such a girl!" Faith insulted blithely as she grabbed the remaining beers and brought them into the rest of the gang. She handed Dawn and Kennedy each a beer knowing how many dirty glances she was getting from the more adult adults in the room. She shrugged off their glares and said to the girls, "forget them… they're old." They laughed and took the beers happily. She returned to her seat on the couch next to Xander and he noted,
"You gave away my beer."
"Oh," she said taking a sexy sip from her beer, "you wanted one?" She put on her sexiest yet innocent voice as she looked at him helplessly. It was a fairly regular joke that she played and everyone still had to laugh at just how good she was able to put on that voice. Xander would always look at her in disbelief, -pretending to be- unaffected by her sultry glance and be slightly irritated in not getting a beer. She would take another long sip from the beer after licking her lips and keeping her eyes set on him as she waited for his response. It was an ongoing contest between the two of them for who would fold first. It was whether Faith could keep from laughing and tempt him mercilessly or if Xander could stay irritated and keep from giving into her.
It was a game that was enjoyed by everyone. It was not only hysterical for everyone watching but it was also really nice for all of their old friends to see because no one had foreseen the two of them ever getting together but they fit so well together no one could understand why not! This game was SO characteristic of them both that there was no one who didn't appreciate it.
Faith brought her lip between her teeth still looking deeply at him. It was a look that men only dreamed of having a girl give them – a look that assured them that any one of their wildest fantasies was exactly what she was thinking and ready to deliver. It kind of scared him how well she did that. This whole game kind of scared him, actually, because it made him realize just how sexual she was and how comfortable she was in showing it. And the part about this gorgeous, sexy girl doing this being his girlfriend, well yeah, that part he really liked too! She brought the beer up to her lips and ran her tongue lightly on an edge of the rim before kissing it ever so lightly. The imagery was obvious as she kept her eyes looking into his.
For the first time since she started she broke her eyes from his to watch the opening of the bottle slowly drag along her neck and down her chest… so slowly. Xander could feel his breath becoming more shallow by the second and he had to almost give up when she took a slow inward breath for him to hear. Because she was doing it so slowly the bottle was only reaching her cleavage when she closed her eyes and tilted her head back. She tilted it all the way back and began to tilt it back so she could look at him again but he suddenly jumped forward and bit her neck mischievously letting out a playful growl.
Both of them broke out into giggles and she hit his shoulder pushing him away to get him to stop so she could stop laughing,
"That's cheating!" she cried out as he snatched the beer from her and answered,
"Don't worry, baby, you can go get me another beer in a minute." The whole room was hysterically laughing; never disappointed in this game! He took a long gulp of the beer wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close to him. A few minutes later he admitted during a commercial on the television, "that was really sexy."
"I know," she answered, "you're a cheater. But I guess we already knew that…" she spat. Everyone missed a breath in the room unsure of what was going to happen but Xander growled playfully again and bit her shoulder while he looked up at her innocently.
"I'll make it up to you later," he promised.
"You're not going to be able to walk tomorrow," she warned jokingly. There were plenty of giggles to accompany that one from the rest of the room. There had been a few occasions since their relationship began when they were able to crack on Xander when he'd wake up with a limp and Faith just happened to be in an uncharacteristically good mood.
Everyone loved Pizza Night. It was better than Christmas and it came every week instead of just once a year.
After a good amount of beer and more pizza than any group this small should be able to physically consume, pizza came to an end. Dawn and Robin cleaned up the kitchen while everyone prepared themselves to leave. Everyone said goodnight and while Willow and Kennedy tried to find a good movie to watch on the TV Xander got off of the couch and walked into the kitchen looking for Faith. She was just rinsing off the last of the dishes and he walked up behind her pressed against her back. He kissed her neck as he closed his grip around her small waist.
She turned around so she was facing him and he quickly slid his hands to her hips and picked her up to his waist. She let out a small gasp, just like he loved, and he immediately started kissing her, unable to contain himself for a second longer.
"Sorry," they heard a very apologetic Buffy say interrupting them. They broke their kiss but Xander still held her up and she leaned back with her hands on the counter. "I forgot my bag," she explained. Faith groaned with anger and waited impatiently for Buffy to grab her bag and GET OUT. Her frustration only grew when she didn't see Buffy moving. She questioned her with a glare and Buffy hesitantly said, "it's behind you…"
Faith turned her head to just behind her and saw Buffy's bag on the counter behind her. She grabbed the bag and held it out to her making Buffy come over and get it as punishment.
"I'm going to kick your ass," Faith said only half joking. Buffy walked up to them, trying to ignore the fact that she was walking up to two people that close to getting it on and took her bag.
"Thanks." Before she could even finish with her brief word Faith began kissing Xander again.
Xander carried her into the bedroom as she feasted on his neck. He closed the door behind them then walked her straight to the bed. Even as he started lowering her to the bed she didn't aid him at all she just continued kissing him. He pulled her shirt off forcing her to break the kiss then pushed her gently back onto the bed making her lie down. He towered over her with his knees on either side of her waist and began kissing her lower lip and then slowly inching his way down her chin, down her neck, and down the middle of her chest. He must've kissed her a thousand times before he reached her stomach. By the time he was to her concave, muscles abs she was shaking very noticeably.
"Baby," she pleaded as he ran his tongue down her stomach then kissed up the same line. She couldn't hide how much her breathing was being compromised because her stomach kept moving as she panted for a full breath. When he reached her sweat pants he slid them off of her hips and pulled them to the ground leaving her lying there in only her bra and panties. He ran his hand over her gently then brought his lips to her inner thigh. He kissed both of her legs, switching to the other after leaving several kisses on one.
"Did I just hear you whine?" he asked proudly.
"Yes," she admitted openly. "Can you please just…"
"Now wait, let me get this straight," he said, having fun seeing her practically wriggling under him. "You're about to lose it any minute now and I've barely even touched you…" he mocked slightly.
"Just get your fucking clothes off," she answered, her tone caught between crying and laughing she was so close. They both knew he was joking with her because he was feeling the same way. He had been thinking about her since her little game hours ago and if he hadn't done this little preliminary stage she would've definitely gone disappointed because he was probably as close as her now and his clothes were still on.
She sat up and practically ripped his shirt off and kissed his chest hungrily as he untied his pants. He slid them off quickly then finished undressing her. They both lasted far longer than either of them had anticipated and they were thankful for every extra second. Xander was about to pull out knowing that their lucky extra seconds would very soon be up but feeling him pulling out she immediately grabbed his lower back and pulled him deeper inside of her. He didn't want to fight her and it just felt so right and so good he listened to her. He came inside of her and he knew he had never heard a moan like that one every escape her lips. It was the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. After a moment he motioned to lie down next to her but once again she grabbed his back,
"Stay…" she panted, "please…" He nodded and rested his head right next to hers. She kept her arms wrapped around his back as he fell asleep inside of her.
He sat there for a long time. He wasn't sure whether he was thinking or if he had just slipped into a sort of hibernation with his eyes still open. He leaned towards the second option because if he had been thinking all of this time he hadn't accomplished anything or cleared any of the fog from his brain. He shook his head to help clear it but he felt like it made his brain shake painfully inside of his skull. He pushed the shot glass and the empty bottle of Vodka to the side of the table as he stood slowly and walked over to the drawer where all of his meds were and pulled out the new bottle.
This was what being depressed felt like. This was the epitome of depression. This sucked. In a way he almost felt like thanking Faith, although he wasn't quite sure how he'd word it. 'Hey Faith, thanks for being such a bitchy, drunk, out of control pain in the fucking ass.' No, he doubted she would take that well, but he did thank her in a way. Up until this point he really hadn't thought of how he was thinking about this whole dying thing… Faith was certainly an adequate distraction, well, until she through it in his face earlier. Now it was all he could think about. Dying… death… the end… all of those things were things you thought of having to deal with but never did actually think you'd get to the point where you thought of them seriously.
But here he was… with his bottle of Vodka… thinking about how this was the end. He sighed and after a moment he smiled slightly and thought that Faith was right, Tequila certainly did have a happier drunk than Vodka. If he'd have had Tequila he'd probably be thinking about how cool it was going to be to not have to deal with life anymore…
A soft creak sounded from the floor and he turned to see Faith walking slowly out of the bedroom. She walked up to the drawer filled with pain extinguishing medication, ignoring the fact that he was standing directly in front of it. Without even glancing up at him or touching him she pushed him out of her way and began rummaging through the drawer. She picked up bottles of pills and looked at the label then tossed them back into the drawer. By the fifth bottle of medication that wasn't the aspirin she was looking for she began just throwing them onto the floor. After throwing about half a dozen on the floor she muttered to herself,
"What is all this shit?" Xander couldn't help but let out a small giggle; being who he was he had to find the humor in this situation and right now it wasn't too difficult.
"I was just about to bring you in some aspirin," he finally stated. He gave the bottle of aspirin in his hand a shake to show that he had been holding it the entire time. On any normal day, tears would've been the furthest thing from her mind, but when one combined heavy emotions, a painful headache, and extreme frustration with Faith in a serious hangover, the tears that flowed so easily shocked even her.
"This is new," Xander commented lightly wanting really badly to be able to make her laugh. She quickly caught her breath and wiped the tears roughly off of her face.
"Shut up," she warned.
"I'm just saying, it's not every day that you start to cry because I spoke."
"Can you try, maybe, to shut up."
"I think you need-"
"What the fuck do you care what I need?"
"Some sleep," he stated, finishing his sentence and ignoring hers.
"Fuck you."
"Have I ever told you how pleasant you are?" he asked sarcastically. Her expression appeared defeated – unable to get the reaction she wanted but still without enough energy to continue to try – and she just turned away from him and walked back towards their bedroom. He didn't think he had really done anything wrong but he felt obligated to make this better even if his vodka was kicking in and he felt that everything was just fine being this way. He reached for her arm to keep her from walking away, knowing asking her not to would just get him another 'shut up' with her still walking.
"Don't touch me!" she spat at him angrily.
"You're unbelievable! It's almost four in the morning, so that means you've had six hours of being pissed off at me. Normal people at least cool down after a couple hours…"
"Well why don't you go find yourself a normal person to fuck tonight."
"What the hell is the matter with you?" he asked, finally unable to take her attitude without getting defensive.
"You're going to tell me that if someone asked you what you were going to do on your last day on Earth, you'd answer hang out at home with your annoying fucking girlfriend?"
"Not if you're going to act like this," he snapped.
"So fucking grow a pair and go find another bitch to fuck."
"I can't deal with you right now," he answered, admitting to his frustration.
"So go deal someone else," she answered sharply.
"You know, you should be a little bit more careful about that – I might realize what I'm missing sleeping with a girl without emotional baggage."
"You saying you think you're going to find a girl better than me?"
"I'm saying that I don't think that that would be too hard," he spat, making a low blow at her ego.
"Sure," she answered confidently, "when you get back in fifteen minutes you can tell me all about it."
"What makes you so sure I'll come back?"
"Why wouldn't you come back?" she asked, her tone faltering from the air of confidence she had. If he hadn't been quite so intoxicated he might've realized the weak step she took and have seen how easily the fight could've been ended. But since fighting with Faith was like constantly trying to dodge knives and throw them back even when they stopped being thrown it was difficult to keep your arm from just continuing to toss.
The whole idea of him leaving and never coming back was always in her mind. She was familiar with people just walking in and out of her life – she was guilty of it too – but that didn't mean that she was comfortable with the idea. It petrified her. This idea hit her close in so many different ways that she couldn't even hide the fear from her face.
"Maybe you're not worth coming back for," he spat angrily.
"So why the fuck are you still standing here?" she snapped angrily in defense.
"I don't know," he shrugged, "can't see anything to stay for." He turned away from her angrily and stormed out of the front door, grabbing his jacket on the way out. As the door slammed she felt her breath stolen away from her. She bit her lower lip anxiously unsure of whether to scream or to cry.
"What was that all about?" Kennedy asked cautiously as she walked out of her bedroom. Faith's silence confused her – she wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't answer or if she was just giving her attitude. She walked closer, really unsure of which extreme Faith was at, and as she got a look at her face she asked again, "Faith, what's wrong? Where's Xander?"
"He… umm… went out," she answered slowly. The words sunk into her head even more as she spoke them.
"It's four a.m., where the hell was he going?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Okay…" Kennedy agreed, trying to not escalate the tension she felt radiating off of Faith.
"See, you have the right fucking idea… men suck." Kennedy laughed,
"Yeah…" She watched Faith quietly for a moment and she began to pace in an askew line around the kitchen. "Faith, where'd he go?" she ventured to ask again.
"To go find some other girl to fuck."
"He wouldn't do that!"
"No one would fuck him anyway," she spat angrily, "so I'm not worried."
"Then why are you pacing?"
"I'm not," she answered, making herself sit down on the kitchen table. "I don't care," she stated clearly as if she had to make sure she heard it right to make it really true. She grabbed a box of cigarettes from the table and lit one.
"Did he really go to do that or are you just mad at each other?" She nodded pensively and answered,
"Yeah, he did…" She didn't feel like really talking anymore and Kennedy noticed her getting quieter and quieter as she withdrew back into herself. With every inhale of smoke she sunk down deeper and ever exhale just showed the stream of the long path down to where she was hiding inside.
"Maybe I should go get him," Kennedy offered, seeing that Xander wasn't returning and that Faith had no intention of going after him.
"Nah…" she answered so nonchalantly that it scared Kennedy. "Let him go have a good time."
"Faith…"
"What?"
"I just didn't assume you were the type of girl to be okay with letting your guy sleep with someone else."
"It's fine… let him go be someone else's guy from now on," she answered indifferently. By now she had had enough time to convince herself that she didn't care and truly appear as though that were true.
"You don't mean that."
"Wanna bet?" she asked, grabbing the Vodka bottle off of the table and threw it with all of her strength at the door he had just walked out of a few minutes ago. "Fucking asshole," she whined to herself as she turned away from the door covered in alcohol with shards of glass surrounding it. Kennedy watched her carefully as she covered her face with one of her hands. She wasn't crying but the frustration and defeat on her face was more than obvious.
"Faith…" Kennedy asked cautiously.
"I don't fucking care," Faith repeated, trying to convince herself again. "They're all the same," she muttered angrily.
"You're assuming a lot here, Faith," Kennedy added, talking practically to herself as Faith completely blocked everything out. "He's probably just going to go out for a drink… I mean, come on, there's no way Xander would ever pick up a girl and just do her…"
---------------
"Do me… just like that… yeah… oh yeah…" a blonde girl moaned as Xander thrust in and out of her. She was facing away from him, leaning on top of the hood of her car in the back of an alley. Xander hovered over her powerfully with his hand wrapped in her hair holding it in a tight grip – making him feel in control of her. No matter how close he was with Faith or how submissive she pretended to be for him, he never felt in control of her in the least. It left him hungry for that kind of false power this raw physical contact could provide (or at least pretend to).
"You want this, don't you?" he demanded to know, almost viciously as he pulled her head back to look at him by her hair. "Say it! You want me!"
"I want you," she answered enthusiastically.
"And you want me just like this! Say it."
"Just like that, baby… oh, more!"
---------------
Kennedy walked out of her bedroom a few hours later, following Willow to the kitchen to begin her regular routine. It was definitely uncharacteristic of Kennedy to be even close to awake and there she was following close behind Willow.
"Why are you up again?" Willow asked, still having been unable to get a real answer. As they passed by Xander and Faith's bedroom Kennedy saw the door was still slightly ajar and in exactly the same position it was earlier when she watched Faith walk through it… alone. Sleep had been a abstract concept for her after seeing the state that Faith was in.
Willow noticed Kennedy stop by the door after carefully analyzing it.
"What happened?" Kennedy couldn't really even make herself talk about it. She felt that if she retold the events to Willow it almost solidified them and made them more permanent. "Kennedy, what happened?" she pressed. As they both approached the kitchen with Willow's continuous questioning it was only stopped by the opening of the front door.
Xander walked in clearly exhausted both emotionally as well as physically.
"Xander, what's wrong? What happened?" Willow asked frantically – the worry clouding the situation from her eyes.
"Nothing."
"Are you alright?"
"Oh, he's just fine," Kennedy answered for him. She flashed him a scornful glare and added, "I can't fucking believe you." The statement and look were enough to make anyone feel badly but the hope that was obviously broken in her tone because she was sure Xander had done what Faith was so afraid of, made it almost unbearable to him.
"Please, Kennedy," he begged, not wanting to fight with anyone anymore.
"Good idea, warm up on the begging. If I didn't think Faith would just spit in your face I'd suggest flowers or something, but I don't think she cares about shit like that."
"Xander, did you?" Willow asked, hoping for a negative answer desperately. He stared blankly back at her then turned towards the kitchen.
"Well?" Kennedy asked obnoxiously.
"Fuck off, would you, Kennedy?" he screamed angrily. He was being explosively withdrawn. It was a strange combination but it was how he felt. He was feeling regret and guilt puddle inside of him but he needed to act like it didn't matter to him.
"I'd say you should lie to her but she's going to be able to tell as soon as she looks at you," she answered angrily. He pulled open the drawer with his meds and extracted two pills from one of the bottles.
"Really I'm not looking for your suggestions on this, Kennedy, so back off."
"You couldn't have fucked this up worse!"
"Baby," Willow soothed, seeing how upset Kennedy was getting.
"How can he do that to her?" she asked Willow through tear filled eyes. "She's gonna leave… you know she will! She's going to go and… I don't want her to leave, Willow, I can't have her leave! How could he?" Xander ignored them and swallowed the pills with a couple gulps of water from the sink.
"Xander?" Willow asked cautiously, unable to identify his mood. Without even an acknowledgement of her, he walked away and into his bedroom.
----------
Faith was sitting on their bed hugging her knees to her chest under Xander's sweatshirt which fit her very loosely. Xander walked in and made the first mistake of looking right at her as soon as he walked in. Immediately he felt six inches smaller in her presence. He quickly moved his gaze down to the floor and over to his closet as he pulled his coat off. He tossed it onto a chair near his stuff but then he realized in the short moment he had looked at her, which sweatshirt of his she was wearing. His insides tightened again as he realized he had the ring he was going to give to her in that sweatshirt pocket.
"You looked at it, didn't you?" he asked, his tone surprising her with it's anger. At first she wanted to respond back with anger because she was the one who should've been angry but it almost intimidated her and backed her off; it wasn't like dealing with Xander anymore it was like she was dealing with one of her other old boyfriends.
"Yeah," she answered, trying to sound unaffected.
"Why?" She paused a moment then answered,
"I don't know." He glanced up again, thankful that the room was so dim so he didn't have to look into her face. He saw the box on the table next to the bed, furthest away from where she was sitting. He walked over to that side of the bed and grabbed the box and opened it. He couldn't help but feel his heart sink when he saw that the ring was still inside and he asked,
"What? Not big enough for you?"
"Dick's have to be big enough. Ring's don't," she answered defensively.
"So what's the problem?" he asked angrily.
"What?"
"You didn't take it."
"Why would I?" she asked, confused. "It's not mine."
"Yeah it is," he answered, his tone marginally softer. "I told you that."
"You didn't give it to me though," she explained stiffly. She still sat in the same position on the bed, thankful that her arms gripping her legs were covered by his sweatshirt. She knew if she looked at her hands they would be white from gripping so hard.
"Here," he answered blankly, tossing the box with the ring in it to her. She caught it stiffly and he added, "now I gave it to you."
"Gee," she answered sarcastically, "I never was one for the romantic bullshit but damn. Having a guy toss you a ring from across the room after he's been fucking some other chick all night and saying 'here' really does bring me down to a whole different level." Her tone was biting but the pain in it was so obvious.
"What? You want me down on one knee or something?" he asked sardonically. She shook her head and answered with her voice caught in her throat,
"No, I don't want you to do anything." Her tone made it impossible for him to pretend to not care anymore. He saw her quickly wipe a tear off of her cheek with her right hand and then quickly toss the box a couple inches away from her on the bed. He walked up to her side of the bed and picked up the box,
"Faith, how do you want me to give it to you?" he asked, his voice pretending to be frustrated, but really he was starting to feel like a complete asshole. She just shook her head, unable to do anything else. He was standing closer to her than he was before and the smell of another woman on him made her sick. Up until this point there was a shred of hope inside of her that he hadn't cheated on her but now there was no doubt in her mind. "Look at me," he demanded, seeing her shaking.
"Can you go take a shower?" she asked softly.
"Can you look at me?"
"No," she answered honestly. "Please go take a shower," she added more demandingly. He didn't know what to do but with the two choices he had – to listen or to not – he chose to not listen. He put his hand on her arm, which was shaking strongly. He saw her straining not to cry. "Don't touch me."
"Faith…"
"You're going to make me throw up if you don't go take a shower, Xander."
"Faith, I-"
"Xander!" she answered, screaming for the first time. She climbed off of the bed on the side that he wasn't standing on. "I can fucking smell her all over you! You're a stupid piece of shit and I hate you, Xander… I can't believe you…" she added as she began to rummage through her clothes on a chair.
"Faith, what are you doing?" he asked as he walked around the bed to where she was now standing.
"You're all the same…"
"Faith…"
"You told me you were different! You told me you wouldn't put me through this!"
He felt his heart finally jump into his throat. He was trying to pretend it didn't bother him; trying to pretend that he was a 'big man' and he was allowed to act out the way he had. And as he was with the other girl that night – as much as he hated it, he knew – he was doing it partially because he knew how much it would hurt her. Well, he thought he knew how much it would hurt her, but seeing her face and being in this room with her he was quickly corrected into realizing that he had no idea of how much pain he put her in.
He wanted to hurt her. Subconsciously he was thinking if he hurt her now that when he died it wouldn't hurt her as much and in the long run he would be saving her the pain of losing him. In a way he wanted her to want him to die so it would be easier. He wanted her to hate him.
"Well I am, okay? I'm like every other piece of shit you've ever spread your legs for, alright?" he screamed back at her.
--------------
Willow walked through the kitchen to get a book she had forgotten and from their bedroom she thought she was hearing too much arguing. But she received an entirely new perspective on the volume of screaming as she made her way through the kitchen. The fighting made her uncomfortable; she was never in a household with a lot of fighting and she didn't like it. Besides which, Faith and Xander had both been in 'fighting households' since they were born and both of them were professionals at it by now. Faith was the one with the most experience in screaming back but Xander had amassed quite a bit of anger inside of himself that he was unleashing.
She quickly made her way back to her bedroom, finding herself practically running through the hallway. Kennedy had been quiet all morning lost in her own thoughts.
"It's pretty bad out there," Willow admitted.
"Well, when you put together two extremely angry, repressed people who are only made happy by the other and do something to rip them apart the way all of this has you usually end up with screaming like that…"
"Do you want to go for a walk or go out to breakfast or something?" Willow suggested, seeing how stressed Kennedy was.
"Once they calm down I'll go."
-------------------
"You know, out of all the scumbags you've fucked I'm surprised you stopped at me. Like you say, all guys are shit but it just confuses me that you couldn't find yourself a hot piece of garbage to stay with. I mean, judging by your track record and all the baggage I would assume you'd want some good looking guy who treats you like shit. Why'd you settle for an ugly fuck like me who treats you like that? Huh, Faith? Not even how good you look can make up for the rest of your fucking package! You settled for a guy like me because you know you can't fucking do better! No one in their right fucking mind would want to deal with you!"
He stopped, knowing somehow that she wasn't about to say anything back to him. She stood a couple feet away with her back to him as she tossed together her clothes in a pile. He could see her shaking from where he stood even in the dim lighting and the tightness of her breath. She didn't answer him she just continued to throw her things together. He ignored what she was doing until she picked up a backpack from the floor and started opening it to pack her things and a sudden anxiety rushed through him.
"Faith, what the fuck are you doing?" His tone somehow managed to stay steady and strong despite his nervousness. She continued to throw her things inside of the bag ignoring anything he said. "You don't have anywhere else to go!"
"Recurring theme in my life," she muttered. He walked up to her from behind and put his hands on her arms gently and despite their hostile argument he noticed her arms stopped shaking as he touched her.
"Please don't touch me," she said practically begging. He dropped his hands off of her arms, defeated by her weak plea. Gaining a second wind she quickly grabbed up the bag – needing to get out before she caved to any affectionate gesture from him – and walked over to one of their shelves where a lot of her loose things were. With part of the bag open she used her hand to slide all of her makeup and any other things on the shelf into the bag. She zipped it up and practically ran for the door.
"Faith! Where the fuck are you going?" he yelled as he followed her out of the bedroom.
-----------
Willow and Kennedy both heard the door to their bedroom slam open and Xander calling Faith back. Before Willow could even process what was going on Kennedy had leapt off of the bed and was at their door. The tension from their argument acted like a barrier keeping her in her bedroom doorway, where Willow stood behind her moments later.
"Baby, don't do this…"
"Baby, sweetie, honey. Got anymore, asshole?" she asked angrily.
"You can't leave!"
"Watch me," she spat back. He grabbed her arm roughly and pulled her into him with surprising force. She dropped her bag accidentally,
"Faith, you're not leaving."
"Don't! Touch! Me!" she screamed in his face. He could see in her face how stressed she was and how out of breath this whole ordeal had made her.
"Faith, listen to me, okay?" he said, his tone suddenly dropping from argumentative to one that was just trying to stay composed. He felt her freeze under his touch and it sent daggers to his chest. "Faith…" he began but his voice cracked as tears began to fall from his eye. "If you don't want to be around me then I'll leave, okay? You don't have to go… you didn't do anything wrong, okay?"
"Don't you dare cry," she warned through her own tears. She could see his hands shaking as badly as she was as he continued to hold her arms. "Let me go," she added firmly. Like a blaze of fire igniting a line of gasoline Xander's emotions flashed to the forefront where nothing could be hidden from the brightly lit surface. He grabbed the sweatshirt she was wearing in his grip and buried his face in her chest as he began sobbing and crying hysterically.
"Baby, I'm… I'm so sorry… I'm so scared… I just don't… want to die…" he raised his head to hers, which was soaked with tears and continued, "I don't know how to fix this but I'm scared Faith, and I can't do this without you… I don't know why… I'm just so sorry… I love you so much… and I just hurt you so bad and I'm just so sorry…"
And here it was – Xander's complete emotional breakdown. She stood there like a frozen rod unable to decipher between all of her emotions. He held her tightly and giving up on trying to speak he buried his face against her again, crying a stream of tears onto her chest.
"Xander, you need to stop this," she stated trying to back away from him. "Xander, I'm leaving," she stated again, this time pushing against him to make him let her go. She didn't want to do anything but be there with him and just cry but he had hurt her and even though a part of her wanted to trust him again another part of her didn't trust anybody.
"Faith, please…" he begged, still holding the sweatshirt. "I'll leave just let me hold you for a minute. Please just give me that…"
"Xander, no," she answered pulling away from him. He dropped down to his knees and threw his arms around her waist to keep her from leaving him.
"Faith, I'm sorry! Please believe that I am… I need you… I'm so scared to die! I don't want to die without you! Faith, please…" he begged uncontrollably. Faith stood up straight trying to get a deep breath in to keep herself together. She looked up at the ceiling for a moment then looked back down at him. She saw a stream of red on her jeans that hadn't been there before. There were several small spots and after a moment of registration she grabbed his face and tilted it up towards hers. His nose was bleeding, now in a steady stream of blood from both nostrils.
"Oh my God!" she said, panicking immediately. "Willow!" she called out anxiously enough for a her voice to crack. Willow was still standing in the door and both her and Kennedy quickly jumped towards Faith. Faith immediately dropped to her knees to be level with him and held his face with her hand. "You need to calm down, okay? Please calm down, Xander, please. Just… just umm…"
There was a new side of Faith that few had ever seen before. Up until this point, Kennedy had always thought Faith was unflappable, which is what made her such a great fighter. No type of surprise or trick could make her panic and she was always able to maintain composure in pressing situations. But right now seeing someone who she openly loved so much, all of that composure practically dissipated without a trace.
"Don't leave me, please don't leave me… I'm scared… I'm so scared… baby, don't leave me," he continued, still unable to stop being hysterical.
"I'm not leaving, okay?" she soothed, trying to keep her own voice steady.
"Oh my God," Willow repeated as she saw what Faith had suddenly panicked about. "Grab me a towel," she called to Kennedy. She fetched one quickly and Willow put it under the flow of blood.
"It's okay," Faith soothed.
"Then why are you crying like that?" he asked.
"I'm going to call his doctor and figure this out," Willow stated, "why don't you take him to lie down?" With a nod Faith stood up and helped Xander to his feet while keeping the towel pressed firmly to his nose.
------------
"I'm sorry."
"Can you stop saying that?" she asked as she paced around the bedroom nervously. "It's fine."
"If it's fine then why won't you come over here?" Before she could answer Kennedy came into the room.
"The doc said it's normal."
"Normal? Bleeding like that isn't normal!" Faith answered angrily.
"It's just part of what's going on with the infection and-"
"That's not fucking normal, don't tell me it's normal like I'm some fucking idiot!"
"Faith…" Faith turned away from Kennedy and pulled into a quick breath to calm herself. The room was quiet so Kennedy walked out. She was happy at least that they hadn't inquired where Willow was. She walked into her own bedroom and sat down on the bed. She rubbed Willow's back gently as she wept into her pillow quietly.
"So this is just part of what's going on," Faith repeated, trying to make herself believe it. "Scared the shit out of me."
"I saw that," he acknowledged, remembering how quickly she shifted from leaving him to holding him.
"Just a stupid fucking false alarm," she added. She got very quiet for a long moment and he asked cautiously,
"What's wrong?"
"I would've hated myself if the last thing we did was scream at each other," she admitted surprisingly.
"You thought I was just going to keel over out there?" he asked with a laugh.
"I wouldn't still be here if I didn't," she answered quietly. Her tone was mumbled and very quiet but he heard her like it had been spoken right to him.
"You know I'm not bullshitting you, right?" he asked seriously.
"About what?" she asked, turning back towards him from lighting a cigarette.
"I am sorry."
"Good," she answered indifferently.
"And I am scared to die… but I'm even more scared to lose you," he admitted, still maintaining a completely serious tone.
"Yeah, how pathetic would that be that you've held onto me longer than anyone ever has and you can't even keep me for another day or two," she answered sarcastically.
"Hopefully more than just a day or two," he added enthusiastically.
"Yeah… sure…"
"Am I witnessing Faith give up on something?" he asked, slightly mocking her.
"I've given up way more than a little in my life, Xander. Where the hell have you been?"
She was backing him off left and right. If he thought she wouldn't kill him instantly he'd run in and try and steal a hug or something but it didn't seem that that would be in the cards – safely anyway. He sat on the bed trying desperately to figure out the best thing to do as he watched her pace back and forth in front of him smoking her cigarette. Talk, he commanded himself, he needed to talk to her. Part of him wanted to just give up too since whatever he said was just going to get shut down immediately by her. But he deserved this – he reminded himself – any compensation he had to make for what he had done was deserved.
"I think," he spoke slowly and meaningfully, "I did what I did because-"
"Save the speech, Xander. I'm an expert on 'meaningful meaningless sex'."
"I guess you are, huh?" he agreed.
"Unfortunately," she added.
"Faith," he cut in, his tone finally showing confidence but not anger. "I understand the hurt and pain in your voice, I really do and it makes me hate myself. But I'm not sure I understand the anger and hostility…" She paused a minute, really thinking over what he was asking and answered,
"I'm really pissed off at myself," she answered honestly.
"Why?" he asked, now thoroughly confused.
"I should know by now that I can't trust anybody, myself fucking included. But that's my problem, I just never fucking learn. I'm all careful about trusting anyone but then there's just some people that make me want to trust them and then I do and then bam, I finally realize that once again I've been fucked with." She continued to pace back and forth, now more speaking to herself out loud than to him. "That's my biggest weakness though… I really do need somebody… it just sucks that no one seems to really need me back."
"Faith, that's not true."
"How are you going to stand there and tell me that that's not true?"
"Because I know I need you."
"Seems to me that you got your rocks off just fine without me tonight… you just need any girl."
"There's so much more that I need from you than just that, Faith."
"And yet, you knowingly just gave it all up to fuck someone else," she delivered dramatically and more than a little mockingly. He could tell how much she had sat there and thought this over while he was gone.
He remained quiet, unsure of how to voice a protest against her accusations. Maybe him shutting up right now was the best plan, he thought, because everything he was saying just seemed to be digging his hole a little deeper. A part of him, a part that loved Faith very much, didn't want her to forgive him. He agreed with her; he was a complete piece of shit and he didn't deserve her in general, and he certainly didn't deserve her to forgive him.
She was quiet right now too. She finished her cigarette and pressed it firmly against the window sill to extinguish the small flame. He watched her flick it out of the window like she usually did and he just took everything about her into his memory.
"So are you done bleeding on me?" she asked, with a hint of levity hidden in the back of her tone.
"Well," he answered, clearly thinking about it, "I don't think there's anymore blood left in my brain and you won't come within ten feet of me so I'm fairly certain I'm done…"
"Good," she answered quietly, "I'm not really into this fashion trend anymore." He realized how the blood on her clothes was probably triggering off memories of hers left and right and he chalked up another reason on his board as to why he should be sorry. Well, this was a step in the better direction, he thought, as she unbuttoned her jeans and shimmied out of them. He couldn't help but stare. As a force of habit she looked where she usually kept her clothes, you know, the ones that were now packed in her bag. After looking for a few moments she realized her error and glanced up towards the bed. Her bag was leaning on the bed where he was sitting with his legs dangling next to it.
He followed her eyes which were shooting back and forth from him and her bag. He saw her hesitation in not wanting to walk over to him so he grabbed the bag off of the floor and pulled it up onto the bed.
"What do you want to wear?" he asked, unzipping the bag.
"Whatever's on top." He shuffled through the top part of the bag and couldn't find anything resembling pants.
"Packing skills are definitely not part of the Slayer package, huh?" She didn't answer, she just waited impatiently for a pair of pants. "I've never seen you in this," he commented, holding up a short skirt. Again, no answer just an impatient stare. His frustration as a male trying to dress his girlfriend and his frustration of her not being able to be within ten feet of him finally bubbled over. "God damn it, Faith! I'm a cheating piece of shit but I'm not some fucking rapist! You can come within five fucking feet of me, you know?" She stood there pensively for another moment and his self-loathing continued to grow.
She hesitated for another long moment then walked up to him. It confused him when she took the bag from next to him and moved it over about a foot away but then she turned slightly and sat down gently on his lap. She positioned herself carefully so that her legs dangled over the side of one of his and her head could rest comfortably nestled between his shoulder and his neck. One of her arms remained nestled at her side and she had the other holding him around his neck. He was shocked!
She lifted her head slightly from his shoulder and kissed the corner of his mouth gently as if she was unsure of whether he'd let her.
"Xander, do you still want me?"
"What?" he asked, confused by her actions and insecurities. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and thanked anything and everything that made her somehow love him. "I love you." She nodded and kissed the corner of his mouth again. He held her tightly with one arm and rubbed the outside of her leg and arm and cheek with the other; he loved every inch of her.
She didn't want him to go but she hated herself for being able to smell another girl on him. She kissed the corner of his mouth again, almost nervously, before she asked,
"Can you go take a shower?"
"Yeah," he answered understandingly. He kissed her lovingly on her forehead then stood, picking her up with him and turned and laid her down on the bed gently. "I'll be right back," he promised kissing her knee affectionately. She smiled slightly and he knew how much effort it took from her.
There were several times during their relationship when Xander made mental notes of how much he didn't deserve her. He decided this was definitely the one that would stand out the most in his memory.
----------------
"Let's go out to breakfast," Kennedy suggested as soon as she got the opportunity. There had been few opportunities between Willow's crying fits to bring up the idea that really was initially Willow's idea. She had wanted to wait until Faith and Xander's fight had cooled down – at one point she wasn't sure if it would – but now that it had, she wanted to get some space and leave the house that was filled with practically tangible tension.
"Okay," Willow answered, her tone breathy from crying so much. "Let's go…"
Instead of going to their usual diner, Kennedy suggested they go somewhere knew to minimize the number of surroundings that would bring back memories to Willow. She hadn't been able to get a full explanation from her since she had spoken with the doctor earlier but it was clear that the prognosis wasn't promising.
Kennedy hated seeing people cry and she especially hated being with people while they cried. The whole experience was something she couldn't handle. So even without say, she'd been struggling this week without even going into being upset over Xander. She had been able to learn a lot about Willow and Faith in the last few days though. She realized Faith was one of those people who never cried until finally she would hit the wall and have a complete breakdown. It actually surprised her a bit as to how much Faith had been crying lately; it only gave proof towards how much Faith actually was in love with him.
When it came to Willow, in many ways it was similar to Faith but it was also very different. Willow was usually very honest with her feelings and initially she had been but then it seemed that she realized she was showing them in front of Xander and she wanted all of the time he had left to be with happy people, so she forced herself to be happy. She had been forcing herself all week to just be happy constantly; even in private when they were in their room she still pretended to be alright as though, if she admitted it then, she wouldn't be able to hide it well enough later. But this morning had been frightening for everyone.
Seeing Xander with streams of blood flowing from his nose was probably the scariest sight she had ever seen. It was a strange realization for everyone because although his death was expected, no one was clear on what was going to happen as he died. No one knew what was going to be the sign that he was… well, done. Would it be a nose bleed? Would it be a painful headache? Would he scream out in pain? For something that they knew an unusually large amount prior, they really knew very little.
But Kennedy was still trying to figure out which part of it scared her more: seeing the blood streaming like a river on his face or hearing the scream of panic that escaped Faith's throat. It was a cry she had never imagined being capable of coming from Faith.
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Xander got out of the shower and pulled the towel off of the sink. He ran it down the length of the mirror, creating a vertical streak where he could see about half of his face at a time. Then he took it and wrapped it around his waist. For a man who was going to die he felt amazingly lucky. And he knew why he felt lucky; he had Faith.
He walked out of the bathroom and saw her lying on the bed. He could only imagine how exhausted she was. She hadn't slept as far as he knew since he told her his news five days earlier. She wasn't asleep but her eyes looked heavy and as though they were using every ounce of her Slayer strength to hold them open.
He changed, pulling on a pair of boxer shorts then he ran his fingers through his hair as a comb. He could feel her watching everything he was doing and he liked it. He liked feeling her eyes on him.
"Xander…" He turned to her quickly, wanting to do anything she requested. "Can you come lie down with me?" Without a word he walked straight over to the bed and lied down next to her. He was careful to keep his affections inward, not wanting to be too touchy right now since he knew she was still figuring out where he stood in her head. He thought she would never touch him again but once again she shocked him and ran her hand along his face gently. She then ran her own fingers through his hair, trying to memorize every single strand.
She rested her head on his arm and fell into a daze, which was as close to sleep as she'd come in the last couple of days.
----------
He watched her lie there, resting her head on his arm as she stared at his chest. Her gaze was unnervingly blank to him and he didn't quite understand why. He kissed her forehead needing to confirm that she was still really there despite how far away her gaze made her seem.
"Why don't you try and get some sleep?" Her entire lack of response to his suggestion confused him; he even questioned whether he had actually spoken aloud by how unacknowledged his words went. He gave her several more long moments to respond but there was nothing. "Faith…" he said softly, touching her jaw with his fingers. Her face didn't move but her eyes tilted up towards him slowly. "You need to talk to me," he stated, finally allowing himself to have confidence in how much he really did understand her at this point.
He was one of the only people in the world right now that could say they knew her this well. It was easy to be backed off from where he stood but he had to remember an important fact with her – she felt more comfortable around people who she couldn't get to back down from her. They had laid in bed for the entire morning and it was now well past noon.
"You're only this quiet when everything is screaming at you on the inside. Tell me…"
She moved her hand to his shoulder and pulled herself closer to him so that there bodies were now pressed comfortably together and she buried her face quietly between his chest and chin. She held her arm around his neck, holding him close to her as she lay there in silence.
"Faith," he said, touching her arm around him and taking her hand in his and bringing it back in front of him as he leaned his head back so he could actually see her, "tell me…"
"What do you want me to say?" she asked quietly.
"You need to talk… baby, that's why we worked out - because you could talk to me."
"I want you to just hold me," she answered, trying to go back to the position he had just removed her from. He took a deep breath trying to amass his emotional strength as well as some eloquence to word everything just right.
"Faith, if I thought being held was what you really needed right now I would do it… but it's not. You need to talk to me." Several moments went by in silence; Xander even watched the clock on the side of their bed and as twelve minutes had ticked by when he was just beginning to doubt his confidence in just giving her time to say something she answered,
"I feel like I'm dying." She did know what that felt like, didn't she, he thought. "I feel like you're drifting away from me… and that I can't get you close to me…" she pulled herself another half inch closer to him as though physical closeness would compensate for what she was feeling, "and I just feel empty and…" She ended her words but Xander could tell it wasn't from a lack of them, it was because she had stopped herself from saying the last thing.
"And what, Faith?" She didn't answer for another minute and he pressed again, "…baby, and what?"
"Do you love me?" she asked in a tone that broke his heart.
"I love you very much. You feel unloved?" Just hearing what she felt so simply stated was more than she was confident enough to deal with.
"Xander, I can't get any closer to you!" she said sitting up in the bed, "I mean literally, there's no fucking way for me to be any nearer and I… I just can't… I can't fucking… I… I'm fucking empty and I don't… being close to you makes that go away and it's not working!" He listened to her emotional outburst quietly but he was listening to her and making sure she knew he was listening to her. She even went as far as to grab him and pull herself close to him, "I can't get any fucking closer!"
And the pieces to the complex puzzle suddenly fell right into place in his lap as she through the pieces around angrily. He suddenly saw every facet of her personality explained and proved to him as though it were a mathematical equation with theorems and proofs written neatly down on a yellow pad of paper and handed to him.
He sat up and wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him. She wasn't crying but she was shaking from all of the frustration that she just couldn't deal with. He understood it all. He felt like someone who had just solved the mystery of the world and he'd reached a completely new level of enlightenment because of it.
"Faith, can I ask you two questions?"
"Yeah," she answered, unsure of why he thought he needed permission.
"They're tough questions…"
"Okay," she answered, still unsure.
"There was another time in your life when you felt like this, wasn't there?" As difficult as the question was he knew it wouldn't take her long to answer because it was probably piece of why she was so upset. She nodded her head, only comfortable with that answer and not anything including more detail.
"Can I ask you another one?" She nodded again and he asked, "you were a virgin before your mother died, weren't you?" She stared at him, clearly caught off guard by the question, but not entire naïve of what he was getting at. "You never slept with anyone until after your mother died, did you?"
"So what?" she asked, very uncomfortable with the silence as he thought over the answers she had given as though he hadn't been more than a hundred percent sure of what the answers already were.
They were conclusions on her that proved his hypothesis' since the first day he had met her. They were something that he had somehow always known but had never had any tangible way of knowing them. Faith dealt with everything in her life physically. She acknowledged things on an intellectual level but as soon as they were there she immediately, subconsciously shifted them to a physical realm where they could be easily dealt with rather than emotionally.
"Xander, hump or get off, what the fuck do you want?"
He heard her but he was too enthralled with the questions that were being answered everywhere inside of his head. Her mother died and she felt empty, alone, and unloved… turn that into something to solve physically and you end up with sex, sex, and more sex. On some level it was obvious that she had figured out that wasn't something that worked because if anything she had been wanting to have sex less lately rather than more.
"What the fuck do you want from me!?" she screamed, now threatening to get off of the bed.
"Why are you getting so angry?"
"Why the fuck does it matter when I started banging guys?" she yelled, exposing a vulnerability it was meant to conceal.
"Why are you so scared of someone knowing you and what you've gone through?" he asked, standing up and walking to her.
"You don't fucking know me!"
"Yes I do!" he yelled back. "I know you better than anybody and you love me for it." She looked over at him knowing that everything he said couldn't have been truer. She nodded, more to herself than to him, but they both saw it.
"I do love you," she answered quietly. He saw the tears begin to flow at the corner of her eyes and she added, "why do they have to take you away from me too? I just don't understand… I could've been Buffy! I would've been so good if they hadn't taken her away from me! Why did they take her away?" she asked before roughly wiping the tears away from her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him as her tears ceased. "Why do they get to take you away too?" He held her but didn't 'shh' her or try and get her to stop crying, this is what she needed to do and he wanted her to say all of those things that were inside of her. "Why did that girl get to have you today instead of me? Why are they just fucking spitting on me!? I'm trying to do it right, Xander, I'm trying! Why are they always punishing me?" She paused then asked, "why do I want you inside of me more than I want you to answer me?"
He kissed her forehead and held her tightly. He held her until she stopped shaking – now knowing that right now all she needed was holding. After she was calmed down he kissed her motioned for her to stay put. He parted himself from her and walked over to a table and picked up the box with the engagement ring inside of it. He walked over to her and kneeled down in front of her taking her hand in his and he could only liken her breathing and nervousness to what his must've been like during his first time.
"Faith… my original plan was to do this a couple of days ago and to ask you to marry me… but that plan obviously got changed. I want to give this to you as something for you to always know just how much I love and treasure you. I know there are going to be a lot of times when that's going to be hard to hold onto but I really hope that having this will always make you know what you mean to me. Despite the bad news I got at the beginning of the week I still think that you've made me the luckiest man in the world…" he glanced up into her eyes as he took the ring out of the box and saw the unforgettable shine in her eyes. He slid the ring onto her finger and kissed her hand before standing up. "Baby, I love you."
She stood frozen in front of him standing on completely unfamiliar, un-dreamed of ground for her. He touched her cheek with his hand and kissed her lovingly. "I think I understand…"
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Kennedy opened the door, completely unsure of who would be on the other side.
"Hey!" Buffy greeted happily. Kennedy saw the customary pizza boxes in her hand and was immediately reminded that she had completely forgotten Pizza Night. It had become a weekly tradition for the gang since it was more than just introduced by Faith and Xander but demanded! With all the things happening that week she had forgotten and it seemed that everyone else in their apartment had also. It was one of the first moments for Kennedy to truly understand how there ever could have been such a strong bond between the gang and Buffy. At that moment, with that enthusiastic smile at the front door, she got a sense of how it all worked. She might even go as far as to say she had a quick glimpse as to what they were like when they were younger; kind of as a flashback.
Giles followed closely behind Buffy with several bags in both hands filled with the expected brews, followed by Dawn who carried an armful of sodas.
"Pizza," Buffy called out encouragingly. Usually that was what got Xander to come out of his room and then Giles followed it with the customary,
"Beer!" for Faith's expected emergence. It took a few moments longer than usual but a bright smile spread across Kennedy's face as the door to their bedroom opened and they walked out seeming happy. Everyone saw a sight that they didn't really expect –
Xander exited the room first, wearing his goofy grin, which was not only expected by really hoped for to brighten everyone's day, but it was the subtlety that followed that would forever be present in their minds. He walked out holding Faith's hand as she followed him out of the room. It seemed silly to all of them that such a small thing was so pleasantly shocking to them but it was just the way the picture of the two of them together looked. Buffy could only explain it to herself as it was what she always pictured a couple to look like the day after their wedding or something. They just seemed perfectly fit…
Faith leaned over to him so her lips were right up against his ear and whispered something to him that made him grin. She smiled back at him in a way that Buffy knew epitomized her personality but it made her realize how long it had been since she had seen that untainted smile.
"Hey guys," Faith greeted. Everyone suddenly realized that the past few moments had been like they were running in slow motion and with Faith's greeting it was clicked back into real time. Xander gave her a soft pat on her butt as she walked past him towards the pizza and bottles of beer. The whole room resumed in the quick movements to and fro with the dozens of conversations flowing at once.
Kennedy grabbed a beer and took a seat towards the wall in the kitchen so she got a view of everyone as if she were on the outside looking in at people she had never met before. This was what made their group such an amazing group of people – somehow this one scene to her explained it all. And it also explained how both Buffy and Faith felt so betrayed when things went wrong. Their body language and tone and attitude… it just all seemed to work and she felt lucky to get such a glimpse into their past.
Faith was over at the pizza box taking out a couple of slices as Xander talked with Dawn briefly on the other side of the kitchen. Xander eventually made his way over towards the pizza and Kennedy watched Faith hand him the pizza she had assumed was for herself. She realized that there was just no getting the grin off of her face when she saw Xander kiss Faith appreciatively but naturally. They were obviously showing more affection in front of the crew then usual but it wasn't in an overly dramatic or suffocating way; they were both just being themselves and their affections for each other seemed so natural. It was just something the rest of them hadn't had the chance to view yet.
After everyone had gotten their first round of slices and their beer they all gathered in front of the television. The atmosphere didn't feel like it had felt all week long, it felt like it usually did on any other Pizza Night. Somehow the weekly night had become a time when no matter what the previous week had been like everyone gathered together and they were all just happy to still be together. Faith always said that was thanks to the beer but Xander would always counter that he thought it was the pizza.
"Who needs another one?" Faith asked after she finished her first beer. When everyone quickly raised their hands she answered, "Whoa, who wants to help me carry all of those?" Kennedy was about jump up to help but to her surprise Buffy was already up.
"So what's up?" Buffy asked as Faith sorted through all of the different beers in the fridge to get everyone's individual preference.
"Oh, careful," Faith said cautioning her, and painting a completely confused expression on Buffy's face, "Xander just painted down a new coat of egg shells on the floor." It took a moment for Buffy to realize she was being mocked because there was just a certain way that Faith was able to do that so professionally. She realized it quickly and answered,
"Sorry… I just heard you guys had a rough morning."
"Yeah," she answered with a shrug. She opened a drawer and pulled out her car keys which had a bottle opener attached to the key ring. She opened all of the beers in a way that Buffy wasn't sure she would be able to do so quickly even if she practiced for a year.
"I heard it was a really rough morning," she pressed. Faith nodded,
"It was."
"I'm a little surprised that you're as happy as you are right now…"
"If you think you're the only one that I confuse you're wrong," she said with a laugh. "I can't not be with him, B… I just… he's the only thing that makes me happy. I don't think there's anything he could do that I wouldn't get over so I could still be with him." Buffy nodded and she added, "he's the only one."
Buffy realized how touching it was to hear Ms. Want Take Have saying openly that she only wanted Xander but she also realized just how distraught Faith was soon going to be. But the way everyone was acting tonight it made it easy to overlook that second half and just enjoy the present where they all had Xander, a man they all loved.
"I don't think I've seen you smile like that in a while," Buffy noted giving her a playful nudge.
"I don't know what you're talking about B, I'm like the smile-iest person ever!" Faith started handed Buffy a few bottles of beer and Buffy caught a glance (not that it was difficult) at the huge rock on her finger. "This one's Robin," she pointed to the beer, "this one's Giles… and this one's Willow."
"You know," Buffy began, "besides for me missing the whole smiling thing, I'm not so sure I've ever seen that before either," she said motioning towards the ring.
"Shut up," Faith warned playfully.
"It's really nice," Buffy observed. She put down the beers and grabbed Faith's hand wanting a closer look. "Wow," she finally stated. "You're going to build up muscles on that arm carrying that thing around!"
"You're such a girl!" Faith insulted blithely as she grabbed the remaining beers and brought them into the rest of the gang. She handed Dawn and Kennedy each a beer knowing how many dirty glances she was getting from the more adult adults in the room. She shrugged off their glares and said to the girls, "forget them… they're old." They laughed and took the beers happily. She returned to her seat on the couch next to Xander and he noted,
"You gave away my beer."
"Oh," she said taking a sexy sip from her beer, "you wanted one?" She put on her sexiest yet innocent voice as she looked at him helplessly. It was a fairly regular joke that she played and everyone still had to laugh at just how good she was able to put on that voice. Xander would always look at her in disbelief, -pretending to be- unaffected by her sultry glance and be slightly irritated in not getting a beer. She would take another long sip from the beer after licking her lips and keeping her eyes set on him as she waited for his response. It was an ongoing contest between the two of them for who would fold first. It was whether Faith could keep from laughing and tempt him mercilessly or if Xander could stay irritated and keep from giving into her.
It was a game that was enjoyed by everyone. It was not only hysterical for everyone watching but it was also really nice for all of their old friends to see because no one had foreseen the two of them ever getting together but they fit so well together no one could understand why not! This game was SO characteristic of them both that there was no one who didn't appreciate it.
Faith brought her lip between her teeth still looking deeply at him. It was a look that men only dreamed of having a girl give them – a look that assured them that any one of their wildest fantasies was exactly what she was thinking and ready to deliver. It kind of scared him how well she did that. This whole game kind of scared him, actually, because it made him realize just how sexual she was and how comfortable she was in showing it. And the part about this gorgeous, sexy girl doing this being his girlfriend, well yeah, that part he really liked too! She brought the beer up to her lips and ran her tongue lightly on an edge of the rim before kissing it ever so lightly. The imagery was obvious as she kept her eyes looking into his.
For the first time since she started she broke her eyes from his to watch the opening of the bottle slowly drag along her neck and down her chest… so slowly. Xander could feel his breath becoming more shallow by the second and he had to almost give up when she took a slow inward breath for him to hear. Because she was doing it so slowly the bottle was only reaching her cleavage when she closed her eyes and tilted her head back. She tilted it all the way back and began to tilt it back so she could look at him again but he suddenly jumped forward and bit her neck mischievously letting out a playful growl.
Both of them broke out into giggles and she hit his shoulder pushing him away to get him to stop so she could stop laughing,
"That's cheating!" she cried out as he snatched the beer from her and answered,
"Don't worry, baby, you can go get me another beer in a minute." The whole room was hysterically laughing; never disappointed in this game! He took a long gulp of the beer wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close to him. A few minutes later he admitted during a commercial on the television, "that was really sexy."
"I know," she answered, "you're a cheater. But I guess we already knew that…" she spat. Everyone missed a breath in the room unsure of what was going to happen but Xander growled playfully again and bit her shoulder while he looked up at her innocently.
"I'll make it up to you later," he promised.
"You're not going to be able to walk tomorrow," she warned jokingly. There were plenty of giggles to accompany that one from the rest of the room. There had been a few occasions since their relationship began when they were able to crack on Xander when he'd wake up with a limp and Faith just happened to be in an uncharacteristically good mood.
Everyone loved Pizza Night. It was better than Christmas and it came every week instead of just once a year.
After a good amount of beer and more pizza than any group this small should be able to physically consume, pizza came to an end. Dawn and Robin cleaned up the kitchen while everyone prepared themselves to leave. Everyone said goodnight and while Willow and Kennedy tried to find a good movie to watch on the TV Xander got off of the couch and walked into the kitchen looking for Faith. She was just rinsing off the last of the dishes and he walked up behind her pressed against her back. He kissed her neck as he closed his grip around her small waist.
She turned around so she was facing him and he quickly slid his hands to her hips and picked her up to his waist. She let out a small gasp, just like he loved, and he immediately started kissing her, unable to contain himself for a second longer.
"Sorry," they heard a very apologetic Buffy say interrupting them. They broke their kiss but Xander still held her up and she leaned back with her hands on the counter. "I forgot my bag," she explained. Faith groaned with anger and waited impatiently for Buffy to grab her bag and GET OUT. Her frustration only grew when she didn't see Buffy moving. She questioned her with a glare and Buffy hesitantly said, "it's behind you…"
Faith turned her head to just behind her and saw Buffy's bag on the counter behind her. She grabbed the bag and held it out to her making Buffy come over and get it as punishment.
"I'm going to kick your ass," Faith said only half joking. Buffy walked up to them, trying to ignore the fact that she was walking up to two people that close to getting it on and took her bag.
"Thanks." Before she could even finish with her brief word Faith began kissing Xander again.
Xander carried her into the bedroom as she feasted on his neck. He closed the door behind them then walked her straight to the bed. Even as he started lowering her to the bed she didn't aid him at all she just continued kissing him. He pulled her shirt off forcing her to break the kiss then pushed her gently back onto the bed making her lie down. He towered over her with his knees on either side of her waist and began kissing her lower lip and then slowly inching his way down her chin, down her neck, and down the middle of her chest. He must've kissed her a thousand times before he reached her stomach. By the time he was to her concave, muscles abs she was shaking very noticeably.
"Baby," she pleaded as he ran his tongue down her stomach then kissed up the same line. She couldn't hide how much her breathing was being compromised because her stomach kept moving as she panted for a full breath. When he reached her sweat pants he slid them off of her hips and pulled them to the ground leaving her lying there in only her bra and panties. He ran his hand over her gently then brought his lips to her inner thigh. He kissed both of her legs, switching to the other after leaving several kisses on one.
"Did I just hear you whine?" he asked proudly.
"Yes," she admitted openly. "Can you please just…"
"Now wait, let me get this straight," he said, having fun seeing her practically wriggling under him. "You're about to lose it any minute now and I've barely even touched you…" he mocked slightly.
"Just get your fucking clothes off," she answered, her tone caught between crying and laughing she was so close. They both knew he was joking with her because he was feeling the same way. He had been thinking about her since her little game hours ago and if he hadn't done this little preliminary stage she would've definitely gone disappointed because he was probably as close as her now and his clothes were still on.
She sat up and practically ripped his shirt off and kissed his chest hungrily as he untied his pants. He slid them off quickly then finished undressing her. They both lasted far longer than either of them had anticipated and they were thankful for every extra second. Xander was about to pull out knowing that their lucky extra seconds would very soon be up but feeling him pulling out she immediately grabbed his lower back and pulled him deeper inside of her. He didn't want to fight her and it just felt so right and so good he listened to her. He came inside of her and he knew he had never heard a moan like that one every escape her lips. It was the most beautiful noise he had ever heard. After a moment he motioned to lie down next to her but once again she grabbed his back,
"Stay…" she panted, "please…" He nodded and rested his head right next to hers. She kept her arms wrapped around his back as he fell asleep inside of her.