Chapter 1
I look inside myself and see my heart is black.
I see my red door and it has been painted black.
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts.
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black.
The Rolling Stones, Paint It Black.
Four Years Later:
"Rinoa, can I come in? I need to talk to you."
"Sure Quistis. I'll be right there." I ran around the room trying to get changed quickly. What was so important that she had to get me out of the shower for? I stared in the mirror and was satisfied with my appearance. Well, apart from the hair. I looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge. I gave it a quick run through with my hairbrush and answered the door. "Sorry about the wait."
"That's alright. Please, Rinoa. Sit down." I could see the solemn expression on Quistis' face. I hadn't seen her this worried in a long time. Fear began to spread through the pit of my stomach. I could sense that she would be the bearer of bad news.
"You're scaring me now. What's wrong? And when did you get back from your mission?" I bombarded her with so many questions, but I only wanted the answer to one. "Where's Squall?"
"It's Squall I came to talk to you about." Her voice seemed deadly serious.
"He's okay, isn't he?" My heart was leaping in my chest and my stomach filled with a feeling of dread. "Please. Tell me what happened."
"Squall left the battle field in pursuit of the rebel leader. We searched for days but couldn't find either of them. All we found was this." Quistis handed Squall's gunblade to me, which I immediately dropped in shock and despair.
"No, Quistis. What are you trying to say?" Tears had begun to stream down my cheeks. I couldn't control it. I knew what she was about to tell me.
"He's dead Rinoa. He isn't coming back." Her words hit me like a bombshell, forcing all the life out of me. He isn't coming back. I sat down gently on the bed, waiting for the words to sink in. No, this can't be true. He promised. He promised me. Of course he'll come back.
"No. No, I don't believe you," I screamed at her.
"Rinoa…"
"I won't believe you. Get out!"
I sat up with a start. I was breathing heavily and my sheets were drenched with sweat. That dream again. I've been having that dream ever since that day four years ago. I just can't forget.
Believe me, I've tried. I've tried so damn hard. I tried to get away from everything. I left Garden, left my friends. Everything reminded me of him, and that was the last thing I wanted. I couldn't take wandering through the halls of Garden, getting sympathetic looks from everyone I passed. I knew what they were thinking.
She's all alone now. She has nobody, not since her boyfriend died.
I was so desperate to get away from things, I even went to live with him…my…father.
Things didn't change though. He was still all wrapped up with his work, didn't care about me. He didn't even notice how ill I was becoming. I didn't eat, didn't sleep. I spent every night at the bar, drowning my sorrows, hoping somehow that alcohol would wash away my memories.
I knew it was a stupid thing to do, but at the time, I didn't care what happened to me. As far as I was concerned, my life was over. I just wished I could curl up and die.
Until one day…I'd been drinking heavily the previous night and hadn't eaten a thing for days. As soon as I got out of bed I collapsed, waking up a few days later in hospital. And that's when they told me…told me I'd lost my baby.
I was devastated. As if losing Squall wasn't bad enough. But somewhere inside me, something clicked. I don't know, maybe I saw the light. I realised what I'd been doing to myself and I vowed I'd stop it. It wasn't what he would have wanted.
Sure, it was difficult at first. I got so many jobs, but none of them really kept me occupied. I still couldn't take my mind of Squall, off the life we could have shared together. On a whim, I decided to visit Zone and Watts. After all, I had been meaning to return to Timber, to see what it was like liberated.
I hadn't meant to stay, it just happened really. I enjoyed their company, I'd really missed them. They asked me to stay the night, but that night became a week. After that, I found a job. A good one. I've stuck with it ever since.
Right now, I'm a journalist for Timber Maniacs. I write travel articles, so I get to see the world. I guess it takes my mind off things. I just want to forget my past, act like it never happened, become a normal person again. I think I'm getting there. I just need more time.
Time…time?
Damn.
Looking at the clock, I saw it was 7.30. Damn, I'm going to be late for work. I leap out of bed, and start my morning routine. I slip on my favourite t-shirt and pants and brush my hair. I wish I had time for a shower. I undo the clasp on my necklace and put it on carefully. Staring in the mirror, I sigh, seeing the Griever necklace clash against that given to me by my mother. I guess I'll never escape him.
I walk over to my bed and pull out a large, metallic box from underneath it. I open it and pull out a faded photograph. Every day I look at this and it makes no difference. It makes me smile though, to see how happy we were back then. Before it happened. A photograph won't bring him back though.
I stuff the photograph away, not wanting to be lost in my thoughts again. Checking my watch, I know it's time to leave. I grab my bag and leave my apartment, hopefully leaving my thoughts behind too.
Thanks to:
Riona
Renegade Seraph
Discordia the Goddess of Irony
CTHKSI