I'm over it.
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss,
Clouded by memories of the past,
At last I see.
Disturbed, Forsaken.
I looked over the side of the boat into the depths of the ocean, seeing my reflection staring back at me. I seem different now somehow. Maybe because I finally know the truth. And the truth hurts.
I was the thing I most despised.
For the last four years, Maron had continually drilled me on the evils of the mercenaries. I had just accepted what he had told me. I didn't even think for myself. There's more than one side to every story, right?
I mean, mercenaries can't be pure evil can they? They can't just be driven by their desire for wealth and power. I don't think I would have been able to live like that. That's not me, not who I am.
Who I am?
Maybe I was different back then?
No, I wouldn't have been capable of that would I? Rinoa, she had said that I fought for my friends and fought for her. That doesn't sound too selfish does it? Then again, she said I had changed. Maybe, at one time, I was just a cold hearted mercenary. How could I live with myself knowing that?
I have to have the answers to all my questions. I need the truth about who I am. I have to know.
I glanced over at Rinoa, hoping to ask her the myriads of questions that plagued my mind. I was just about to speak, when I stopped.
She was sleeping, looking so peaceful. Despite my hunger for answers, I just don't have the heart to wake her. I guess the gentle rocking of the boat from side to side must have eased her passage into sleep. How can someone who seems so innocent be the object of fear for so many? I'm not sure about anywhere else, but in Winhill, most people still fear the sorceress and her powers.
"The only good sorceress is a dead sorceress," they would say.
I'm a fool to believe so many of their lies. Either that, or I was a fool for accepting her before. Somehow, I'm more inclined to believe the former. After all, weren't we a couple at some point? Well, that's what she told me. I don't think she'd have any reason to lie. From my dreams, or whatever they are, I think we were together. From what I can gather, we shared the same room and I can draw my own conclusions from that. And then, I saw us almost kissing. Then again, I didn't see what happened afterwards. She could have slapped me in the face for all I know.
I tried to take my mind off the subject of Rinoa, a difficult task considering that she was only a few feet from me. No matter what I tried, I couldn't ignore her.
She stirred slightly, hardly making a sound. She clutched her knees close to her chest and shivered slightly from the chill sea breeze. Despite myself, I removed my jacket and placed it gently over her, being careful not to wake her. She smiled at me, still asleep. I shook my head. What's wrong with me?
Rinoa woke with a start as the boat ran aground on the Dollet shoreline. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder and was about to step off the boat, when, as an afterthought, I decided to carry Rinoa's bags for her. Guess a little politeness can't hurt. I strode off, not waiting for her to catch up to me.
"Erm, Squall? The train station's that way."
I turned around to see her pointing in the opposite direction from where I was heading. Why had I even tried to find the station without knowing my way?
"I guess you don't remember this place then."
"I've been here?" Nothing around me looked familiar.
"You took your SeeD exam here. Passed with flying colours."
I struggled, trying to remember anything about this place, but it was to no avail.
"How about that building?" she asked pointing towards a tall, dark tower atop the hill just outside the town. I thought I recognised it, but couldn't place it.
"Maybe. It seems a little familiar, but I don't know where from."
"You're squad in the exam tracked a group of Galbadian soldiers to the communications tower. You had some pretty tough fights up there, especially when your squad leader abandoned you."
Suddenly, staring at the narrow streets, overhung by houses on both sides, something came to me.
"I was chased through these streets down to the beach."
"So you do remember something," she said, entering a building, which I assume to be the station. I took a look around, as she bought the tickets.
The building was very old fashioned, in keeping with the rest of the town. To me, the place seemed to be bustling with activity as people scurried about the platform.
"If you think this is busy, you've not seen anything yet. Not until you've been to Deling," Rinoa told me. "Now, stop staring or else we'll miss the train."
When we were settled in our carriage and the train had begun its journey, I thought it would be a good time to probe the issue of my former life.
"Tell me about my past. Why was I a SeeD?" She looked at me as if she had been expecting that very question.
"You feel bad about it, huh?"
How did she know that? Am I that obvious? Or does she just know me better than I think?
"A little. I've been told that SeeDs are these sorry excuses for human beings who live for nothing but money and power."
"Don't believe it. You had no choice but to become a SeeD. You couldn't stay in the orphanage forever. A lot of orphaned children went to SeeD because it was the only place they could go. You were one of them."
"Why did I fight?"
"Because you had to. Because it was what you did best. At least until the incident with Ultimecia."
"What happened then?"
"You once told me that that was when you first considered your life, your legacy. Somebody you knew was executed and you just freaked out, saying you didn't want anybody to talk about you in the past tense. You said that you didn't want to die without leaving something behind. You wanted your life to matter."
"Doesn't everyone?"
"Before that time you didn't. As much as you hated to admit, you liked having friends around, even though you weren't used to it."
"Tell me about my friends."
"All of them are SeeDs except for me. Quistis used to be your instructor at Garden, Selphie and Zell are SeeDs sent with you on your first mission. We met Irvine because a sniper was needed for the mission. He's the best there is."
"I don't remember a thing about them," I screamed, exasperated.
"Don't worry," she said, her voice adopting a soothing tone. "I'm sure it'll all come back in the end."
"I hope you're right. I can't bear the thought that I have a past I know nothing about. I keep looking at your face, not knowing exactly who you are." Her face fell at my last comment, and I mentally scolded myself for voicing my feelings so openly with someone who was little more than a stranger to me. Fine, so she means more than a stranger, I think. Truth be told, I don't know what she means to me. Hell, I'm not even sure what she once meant to me.
"Squall?"
I'm not even sure what prompted me to ask the question, but as soon as it left my mouth, I regretted it.
"What did we have together?"
I could see that this question hurt her deeply. She was trying to fight the tears that seemed inevitable. Nice work, Squall.
"I can't tell you that."
I nodded, not wanting to hurt her further by asking for her reasoning behind this.
"It would kill me to know that you had forgotten everything."
"You know I remember some of it," I said, trying to comfort her. What did it matter to her anyway? She's probably found someone else by now anyway. I can't imagine she'd have much trouble in that department.
"That does bring me some comfort, but you have to find out what we…had…for yourself."
"Alright. I know how we met. At the dance right?"
"Yes."
"What were you doing there if you weren't a SeeD? And how did I meet you again? I mean, you pretty much left me in the middle of a dance."
"Sorry about that. I was at the graduation ball to look for your headmaster. I caught sight of him during the dance and couldn't miss the chance of a meeting with him. I know you were a little offended back then, but believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was to leave."
"So how did I meet you after that?"
"I was once the leader of a resistance group in Timber. I hired SeeD to help liberate the town. You were one of the SeeDs sent."
"And after that?"
"I told you. I can't say. You have to find the answers yourself," she whispered, clearly still upset. I decided that the best course of action would be to drop the whole matter for the time being, despite still having so many questions I wanted to ask. Apparently, we saved the world, defeated Ultimecia. I don't remember any of it. How could I forget something so important? I knew Rinoa wanted me to leave her alone for the time being. I would have to find my answers some other time.
Fortunately for me, we were rescued from any uncomfortable silence as the train pulled into the station at Timber.
Rinoa seems to think that a lot of the answers I seek are here. I can only pray that she's right.