Chapter 10
The distance does not matter;
It is only the first step that is difficult.
Marquise de Deffand.
Diary of Quistis Trepe
4th May
To me, it seems ironic that I'm going to begin this entry in my journal by questioning why I do it in the first place. It's a thought that I've been having for quite some time now. Selphie came up with the whole idea before we fought Ultemecia. We had just discovered that we had grown up together in Edea's orphanage. It was quite a shock to find out that I had grown up with the others. It seemed like fate that we had, once again, been thrown together by the twisted paths of destiny. I know that we were all devastated to find that we had forgotten all of this, and I know that every single one of us was afraid of history repeating itself. Despite the fact that we were fighting for our very existence, and the lives of all of those we held dear, we were happy. We were happy because we had each other. Our journey may only have lasted for a short time, but we discovered things about each other, and ourselves, that we could never have thought possible. If there was one thing we were sure of, it was that we would stand together, fight together and survive together. Fate had taken us that far. Who would have thought that destiny could be so cruel as to abandon us when we least expected it? Selphie's plan was that we would all begin writing our own journal, so that we could look back in many years time, and relive our time together, to ensure that all the memories we held close to our hearts would not be lost forever to the GFs. Back then, we all wrote in our journals every day. Even Squall had one. As ashamed as he was to admit it, he, like the rest of us, didn't want that that time to end. Obviously, the main reason he didn't want things to change was because of Rinoa. He was by her side almost every hour of every day and I guess he was afraid that, when it was all over, she would just leave like so many had before her. I realise that his change in heart was due to her intervention, but a part of me believes that the rest of us had a part to play in that too. He did consider us his friends didn't he?
That was a question I had often pondered. When I was given the job of sorting through his belongings after the…accident…I came across his journal. The temptation to read it burned strong inside me. I wanted to know just how he felt about me. Sometimes I thought he hated me, especially after he told me to 'go talk to a wall.' I never really understood how he thought, he just wouldn't open up to me. It was from there that my curiosity in his journal arose. However, I knew I couldn't betray his trust. That was private and I had no business reading it. Besides, I might have read something that I would have been better off not knowing. I'm certain I did the right thing when I handed the journal, along with the rest of his possessions, to Rinoa. If Squall had wanted anybody to read it, it would have been her. Yet somehow, I know that she didn't even open it. She always had the greatest respect for Squall's wishes. The idea of someone reading his most personal thoughts and fears would have horrified him. She knew that too. Reading through my own journal, I realised that there were so many private things that I wouldn't want anyone else to know. That would have been the case with Squall too. Even so, I could see the point of keeping one, at least back then, when we were all together. I want to remember that time. It would kill me if I ever forgot the happiest moments of my life, no longer separated from those who were once my students, thus meaning I could have no friendship with them. Everything changed when I lost my teachers license, and it changed for the better. I could be with my peers, instead of being ostracised from them by rank. Yes, I want to remember that.
But this? Do I really want to read my journal in years to come and remember what a sorry state my life's in right now?
Most people would call me a fool for my last statement. After all, to them, I have the perfect life, great job, more money than I know what to do with, beautiful apartment. But that's not what I want. Four years ago, I had everything I could have desired. Well maybe not everything, but near as dammit. I still felt a slight tinge of sadness when I saw Squall and Rinoa together. I could never shake off the thought of what might have been, yet deep inside, I know that we could never have had anything together. I think it was just because seeing them emphasised my own loneliness. I had nobody who was that close to me, but now I see that none of that mattered. I had the most wonderful friends, they were a family to me. For the first time in my life, I had a real family, not some foster family who wouldn't see me for who I was.
But then it all fell apart.
Damn you Squall Leonhart.
Why did you have to do this to all of us?
I know it seems slightly stupid to blame Squall for all of this, after all, I'm sure that given the choice, he would have chosen to survive that mission. But it was him that caused everything to fall apart. Maybe I'm just selfish because I feel the need to place blame in any situation. I just refuse to believe that it was meant to be. Or maybe it's because I now live every day of my life walking in his shadow. As a Commander, there could be no better person than Squall. I had no clue how challenging it was until I took over the job. How did he do it? He showed no outward signs of stress, which seems to be the main constituent of the job. That's why I know that every day, people are saying, "She could never live up to Leonhart." I never even tried to. I don't know why, just because I took over the position of Commander, everybody assumed I was trying to take Squall's place. That's something I would never do. Nobody can take his place.
I'm the one who has to live with his legacy. The legacy that keeps dragging me inexorably downwards, further and further from the person I was. That is why I don't want to remember. So why do I write?
Maybe because today, I erased some of the mistakes I had made in my past.
I finally, after all these years, plucked up the courage to visit Rinoa.
I took my first days vacation in four years and travelled to Deling. It really brought back some memories, some good, some bad. Unfortunately, standing at the door of Caraway's mansion brought back many of the worst memories I harboured. I still felt terrible for shouting at Rinoa when all she was trying to do was help. I said it was all a game to her, not realising until much later, how wrong I had been. It was definitely not a game.
My visit to Caraway's mansion was slightly more pleasant than the one I had undertaken soon after Rinoa's departure. I found Caraway slightly more forthcoming. He admitted that during my previous visit, Rinoa was indeed staying there. Apparently, she would not speak to anyone, especially not to me. The phrase 'shooting the messenger' immediately sprung to mind, but I guess I can't blame her for not wanting to see me. I had been the bearer of bad news and that would forever haunt me. However, Caraway also told me that she was no longer in Deling. She had left several years ago, and he had not heard from her. He did seem concerned for her welfare, and I'm quite sure he blamed himself for her leaving a second time.
"I was so heartless towards her," he told me. "I had said to her, forget about that Leonhart. He was never any good for you anyway."
I have to admit, that probably wasn't the most tactful thing to say. I can hardly blame her for leaving after that. Still, he believed that, eventually she left because he was still so concerned about his work. He told me to look for her in Timber and I had to agree that that was the most logical place to search for her. She had always loved that town. As I was about to leave, he turned to me and said, "Promise me that if you find her, you will tell me that she is safe, and ask her to come and see me. We have a lot to resolve." Well, what else could I say but,
"I promise."
She'll love me for that. If she really does hate her father, I was sure to get caught in the crossfire.
That brings me to now, sitting on the express train to Timber, writing in my journal. I want to remember that I tried to repent for all my sins. For not telling her the truth. As soon as I find her, I will tell her. Before she left, I was ordered not to disclose the information to her, but now I'm the Commander, I'm under no such obligation of silence. She has to know the truth.
She has to know how Squall died.