Chapter 13
And I still find it so hard,
To say what I have to say,
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me,
Just how I should feel today.
Blue Monday, New Order
"Rinoa?" I could hear her shouting my name at the top of her voice, but nothing was registering. I may have been standing right next to her at that exact moment in time, but my mind couldn't have been further away.
Seifer? He's still…alive?
I hadn't thought about him in the last four years, my mind completely occupied with thoughts of Squall. I felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over me. How could I not have thought about him once? He used to be such a huge part of my life, in ways both good and bad.
I think, maybe, that I was the only one of us that didn't begin to hate him. I just couldn't bring myself to. Every time I saw him, I couldn't shake the thoughts that resurfaced about the summer we spent together. Sure, I knew that the Seifer standing in front of me, at the right hand side of Edea was not the Seifer I had once known, but did I hate him?
No.
I knew deep down that he would have loved to see me die, but even when he sacrificed me to Adel, I only felt pity for him. He would have hated that, I know, but then, I understood what it felt like better than anyone else. After all, I had been under Ultimecia's spell too. I think Seifer did what he did retaining some semblance of free will, but even so, he wasn't himself.
The Seifer I knew was always a bit…mixed up I guess. He had a major problem with authority, which was why I was attracted to him in the first place. I know that must sound terrible, and I'm not even going to try and make excuses for it. I was with him to get back at my father. How immature was that? Even so, I did feel that he was my soulmate at the time, he was the free spirit that I longed to be and he really did make me feel like I could take on the world. Without him, there's no way I would have plucked up the courage to fight for Timber's independence, no way I would have gone to the SeeD ball, no way I would have met Squall.
Even though we were enemies for a time, I still had a lot to thank Seifer for.
I think I was unique in that respect. Quistis thought that Seifer was the reason she lost her teaching liscence, Zell hated him for the years of constant bullying even though he regarded Seifer as 'one of us,' Selphie never really forgave him for leaving them in the exam, and to Irvine, he was just another enemy. Squall on the other hand…? I never really knew what Squall thought about him. It was kind of a touchy subject with him being my ex and all, but I did always want to set the record straight. It wasn't serious and it didn't even get very far. I wished I could've told him that before all this happened, I'm sure he always thought we were something we weren't. I guess it's because I said I thought I loved him, but that wasn't the truth. If you have to think about love, then you're not in love. I know now that it's something that you just feel in every fibre of your being. You can't explain it, you can't classify it, it just is. When I said that I thought I loved Seifer, what I was actually saying was that I didn't love him, I was just feeling emotional. I'd just been told that he'd been executed after all, I wasn't thinking straight. Neither was Squall. That was what first made me think that he didn't hate Seifer. They were rivals, that was undisputable, but did that mean that they had to hate each other?
No, I don't think so. Sometimes it seemed like Squall knew Seifer better than any of us, and maybe he even understood him. They were both raised in the same environment, in identical ways, but somehow, they still ended up being complete opposites. Ironic that I fell for both of them, don't you think?
I guess there were some similarities between them, though. They both had an elevated sense of pride, sometimes, it felt as if nothing else mattered to either of them. That's what caused Seifer to pick on Squall. Squall was the only person who could rival him, which meant that Seifer felt he had to prove himself constantly, and Squall…well, Squall was always too proud to back down. That's why what Quistis just told me made no sense whatsoever.
Squall and Seifer were always fighting, that much was true, but they would never take it that far, would they? Emotions may have boiled over, tempers may have flared, but still, would they fight to the death? Knowing the both of them, I'm not so sure. I get the feeling that they'd much rather let the other live with the humiliation of their defeat, then end their life. Maybe things changed.
"Rinoa."
I felt two hands being placed on my shoulders, shaking them roughly, bringing me crashing back to reality.
"Rinoa, are you alright?"
I nodded, dumbly. Not quite knowing what else to say.
"I'm so sorry that I haven't tried to speak to you these last few years. They must have been very difficult without him."
"He's alive, Quistis." I couldn't think of what else to say.
"Rinoa. Eventually, you'll have to accept it. I mean, it's been so long since it happened that there really is no hope of finding him…"
"Quistis. Listen to me. He's alive. I found him." She gave me a disbelieving look, as if I was making this up to help me sleep soundly at night. "I'm telling the truth." As if to back me up, Squall stepped behind me, causing shock to register on Quistis' face.
"You…you're not dead?" she babbled.
"It would seem not," he replied, coolly. It seemed to me as though he didn't remember a thing about her. She stood there, dumbfounded, until I felt the need to ask the question that had been yearning to escape from my lips.
"Seifer?" Quistis shook her head.
"Seifer's was the body found on the shore, dead."
He…he's really…dead?
It took a moment for this to sink in.
Dead?
"We assumed that he had murdered Squall, as we found Lionheart on the sand nearby."
"How? How did he…?"
"Gunshot wound in the back," she replied.
He was shot? By Squall? But, that doesn't make any sense.
"I'm so sorry, Rinoa."
Those words. Those words I despised so much.
"Sorry? You're sorry. You didn't tell me four years ago that Seifer was dead and you're sorry?"
"But, I came to tell you how Squall died. I thought you deserved to know."
"Yes, I did. Four years ago!"
I was becoming more and more angry. She actually had the audacity to come here after four years of hearing nothing, and just expects to be friends again after she'd been lying to me. Painful memories came flooding back to me. It had been her that had given me the news of Squall's death. She had lied. Would she ever stop?
"Get out," I snarled.
"But…Rinoa?"
"Get out," I screamed, slamming the door in her face, before I broke down into tears.
Tears for Squall, tears for Seifer, tears for the life that I had missed out on.
I finally calmed down about an hour later, mainly due to the fact that Squall kept handing me steaming mugs of coffee. I could tell that he was dying to ask about Quistis. He wouldn't know who she was or why I had thrown her out.
Why did I throw her out?
Did I really blame her for telling me that Squall was dead? After all, that was what she herself believed. Maybe I just needed somebody to vent my anger on and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess I wasn't even really angry at her, more at fate and destiny and whatever else had thrown me down this path of heartache in my life.
"I guess you want to know about her?" I asked Squall, who nodded in reply. "She was your instructor at Garden. For years she was in love with you but you didn't even look twice at her."
"Oh."
Was that all he was going to say?
"What about Seifer? I feel something when you mention his name. I feel…I don't know…angry."
"You know your scar?" I asked as I ran my finger down my forehead, tracing the path of damaged skin. "You got that off him. He's got an identical one, running the opposite way. You were rivals all your life."
"Then why don't I feel as if I hate him?"
"I don't think you do. At least, you never mentioned hating him, it never went beyond you both trying to better the other."
"Then why were you so bothered about him?"
This was the question I had been dreading.
"Because, I…cared for him." I winced as I said it. That sounded really bad.
"You mean…?"
"We were dating once, yes. Before I met you. In fact it was because of Seifer that I met you."
"You loved him then?"
I was shocked that Squall would ask such a forthright question. Truth be told, it threw me off guard slightly. This time, however, I wasn't going to make the same mistake.
"No. We were friends, yes, but it never really got further than that. We were never serious."
There, I said it to him.
I actually said it.