Chapter 13
Always the one who has to drag her down,
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around.
Can't bear to face the truth,
So sick, he cannot move.
The trick is to keep breathing.
Garbage, The Trick is to Keep Breathing.
Rinoa had left the apartment, muttering something about apologizing to Quistis. She said she was "upset about Seifer" and that "people do funny things when they're upset." I guess she's right, look at what I did to Maron.
Now, looking back on things, I don't hate him. Sure, I wish he had told me the truth about everything, but at the same time, in his position, I think I would've done exactly the same. Everything appears different with the benefit of hindsight, though. At the time, I was prepared to pull that trigger. I didn't know what had come over me, it was as if it wasn't me in control anymore. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't reason with myself. Anything could've happened I was that angry. I guess it was the same with Rinoa and Quistis, though perhaps not to such a violent extent. We've both been lied to these last four years, and I'm guessing that we both feel the same way about it.
Sighing, I open the book on my lap, brushing the dust off the cover in the process. I had been waiting for some privacy so that I could read my journal. I needed to know just who Squall Leonhart really was. I turned over to the first page and began to read.
This is just stupid. What am I even writing for? Why did Selphie have to come up with this idea?
That didn't exactly surprise me. I can't imagine that I was too receptive towards the idea of a journal at first. Still, I must have persevered as there were many more entries for me to read.
Sorry Selphie, I guess I just didn't see the point in writing this before, but something happened to make me change my mind. Actually, it's not a something, it's a someone. When we set off to see the orphanage we all grew up in, we had no idea that the trip would turn out to be so dangerous. I guess I should have seen it coming after all we've been through so far. Still, I had no way of knowing that Galbadia Garden would be there, waiting for us. At first, I wondered how they knew where we would be heading, but then I realised.
Seifer must know.
Seifer must remember everything. The orphanage, the fireworks, Sis.
He remembers, and still he wants to fight.
Sure, I've never really liked Seifer, we've been far from friends, but when I fought him for real in Deling, something stirred within me. Guilt? Pity? I'm not sure. All I knew was that I wanted to be as far away from there as possible, that I didn't want the fight to happen. I knew he wouldn't kill me, he'd have far too much fun gloating over my victory, but the fight still felt…real. It didn't feel like it did during training, not that we went easy on each other or anything. Far from it. I've got the scar to prove it. So does he. Still, in training, there was no malice behind his actions, just desire to prove he was the best. On Deling, I could sense the malice each time he brought his gunblade down on my own. He hated me. He actually hated me. But still, this was nothing compared to the fact that he wanted to fight knowing that we all grew up together. As Zell would put it, "he was one of the Orphanage Gang."
And it meant nothing to him as he fought us in Garden. He wanted to kill each one of us. It was as if he had stopped caring for everything except his stupid obsession with power and the sorceress. Was this the romantic dream that he had once told me about? How could it be? He was a puppet, controlled by Edea with no free will of his own. This couldn't be his dream.
It may seem stupid writing all this down because it's what I think about. I know it so why the hell would I want to read about it? Sure, I won't want to be reading my journal anytime soon, but something could happen.
She's taught me that much.
Right now, I'm sat in the infirmary. It seems to be where I spend most of my time now, just sitting, watching, hoping. All this had been a valuable lesson to me in the fragility of life. One minute she was there, fighting alongside us, so full of life. The next, she was passed out on the floor, lifeless. Seeing her now makes me question some of the decisions I made.
Why did I let her come with me?
I should have left her somewhere safe, Fisherman's Horizon maybe. In any case, I should not have let her accompany me. It didn't seem quite so wrong before, when I was able to protect her. But this time…this time I was helpless. I couldn't do a thing to help her. And why?
Because I was stupid enough to act on my emotions for once.
I let her come with us, because I like her. Sure, we argued at the beginning, but over time, the arguments became less frequent and we started to talk more. There was one thing that came over in our conversations, and that was the fact that she hadn't given up on me, even though I was so cold to her for a long time. I have to thank her for that, I'd never known that feeling before. I'd never know a lot of feelings before I met her. And now, will I ever be able to feel them again? Will I ever hear her voice or see her smile? It shocks me when I realise just how much I have changed, how much she has changed me. She's done so much, and now, do I have to just let her go?
No.
Not without a fight.
If all these recent events have taught me one thing, it's that there is always hope. Maybe that hope is all I have left, but at least it's something.
I slammed the book shut as I heard the door open. Looking up, I saw that Rinoa had returned. It was then that I saw something strange. Why hadn't I noticed it before?
"Your necklace." She seemed to feel a little awkward when I mentioned it, but she came and sat next to me, holding her necklace for me to see.
"This was my mother's ring," she told me. "She gave it to me when she died."
"And the other."
"This is Griever, your ring. You used to wear it all the time."
I ran my finger around the cool, rough, silver band, taking in all the contours around its surface. As I did so, I began to remember something.
I was stood outside with Rinoa, surrounded by intense fighting and the sound of dying SeeDs. She seemed strangely unperturbed by this, choosing to focus on thanking me instead.
"I have something very important to you. I can't die until I give it back to you, right?" she asked. "Zell gave it to me, see? I've been holding onto it."
"That's my favourite ring. You'd better give it back."
I was going to kill Zell for this.
"I'm sure it is. It's a cool looking ring. What's the monster on it anyway?"
"It's not a monster, it's a lion. Lions are known for their great strength and pride."
"Hmmm…great strength…pride…kinda like you, Squall."
Just what was she getting at, she looked kind of nervous.
"I wish…"
"Hmm…so this lion of yours. Does it have a name?"
"Griever."
"So that's what you call it. You know, Zell said he'll make me one exactly like it. Who knows, maybe I can become like a lion too. That'd be crazy, huh? I mean everyone might, y'know, get the wrong idea about us."
Crazy? Then why does she sound so delighted?
"You sound like you want everyone to get the wrong idea."
"No-no-no-no-no-no."
With that she ran off into the nearby building.
She never did give me the ring back.
Suddenly, the scene changed. We were in a desert, behind us, a large, red, fierce looking spaceship, ahead, a group of official looking men in long, flowing robes. Rinoa began to leave with the group of officials. I'm not sure why, but it was tearing me up inside.
"Rinoa. Don't go," I screamed after her.
"Thanks, Squall, but I have to," was her solemn reply.
Rinoa.
"…Squall, I still have your ring."
"You keep it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." With that she left.
It's yours, I want you to keep it with you always, so no matter what happens, you'll always have a piece of my heart with you.
"It's not my ring. It's yours now and it always will be."
"You mean that Squall?" she asked expectantly.
"Yes, I need you to keep it."
"What for? Why do you want me to keep it?"
How was I supposed to answer that?