Chapter 15
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time can not erase.
Evanescence, My Immortal.
He said sorry. He actually said those two little words. The Squall Leonhart I'd once known would never have done that.
In some ways, Squall now seems exactly the way he always he was. He still seems to brood a great deal and he always tries to keep things to himself, but in some ways, he's changed so much. He's much easier to read than when I first met him. I can see how hard he's taking the whole situation, struggling to remember fragments of his past and searching for his own identity within his memory. It's so obvious to me, but I just can't pluck up the courage to talk to him about it. I guess I'm afraid that he'd run a mile if I made an effort to discuss his innermost feelings. I know he'd hate it if he knew that I could tell how he was feeling just by looking at him. I can still remember that night at Fisherman's Horizon, just after he had been promoted, when I tried to get him to open up a little by pointing out how he feeling lonely and isolated, and how he'd probably try to handle everything on his own. He completely freaked out and did whatever he could to get the hell out of there. That was the one thing I'd known him to run from. I really don't want the same thing to happen now. Maybe if I could just make him understand that I can only read him like a book because I've had so much practice in the past, and after all, it was him that let me into his heart. I can't just forget all of that.
"Rinoa?" I had been lost for so long within my own thoughts that I had forgotten that Squall was still there, and probably waiting for a reply.
"You have nothing to apologise for," I whispered in reply.
It was the truth. None of this was his fault, there was no blame to be taken by any party concerned.
"No, there is. I've been so caught up with finding out who I really am that I didn't consider your feelings." He was nervously twiddling with his thumbs and did everything he could to avoid direct eye contact with me. It must have taken him a great deal of courage for him to say that. "It must be so difficult for you to just accept me again after you thought I'd died."
"Squall, you don't have to say any of this."
"Yes, I do. It's important. You must think that I was heartless not to know how you felt, but that's not the truth. I've only just realised the way I felt about you before all this happened. It seems nothing could suppress that memory for long. So, I can see how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry for not understanding until now. Erm, now you can speak if you want," he added nervously.
Believe me, I wanted to. I wanted to tell him just how beautiful that was, and how everything would be alright in the end. I needed to tell him how much I still felt for him. Even after all these years, my feelings for him haven't died. To tell the truth, they're stronger than ever.
So why couldn't I tell him?
I never had this problem before. I can't count the number of times I said I love you in the past. Why was this different?
Maybe because it would feel like the first time I had told him, or maybe because it would be as if we were starting all over again from the very beginning. Or maybe because I don't think he will be able to return those feelings. At least, not now. I still haven't quite given up the hope that he may grow to love me once more with time.
Who am I kidding? We ended four years ago, right? Sure, I never got over it, but that doesn't mean that we could try again. Fate itself seems to be against us, so who am I to argue?
"What are you thinking," he asked gently.
He wants to know what I'm thinking? There's no way I can tell him. He already feels awkward as it is, I don't need to go and make him feel worse by telling him how I still love him.
Thankfully, I was rescued from my dilemma by the ringing of my phone. I picked the receiver up off the wall, praying that it would not be the office asking why the hell I hadn't reported back from Dollet. All of this has pushed work to the very back of my mind, it just isn't a priority anymore.
"Hello."
"Hi, Rinoa." To my relief, it wasn't anybody from work. It was Quistis. We had worked things out earlier, come to a truce if you like. I still couldn't forgive her for lying to me, but I guess I understood why she did it, and I can see how hard it is for her to try and fill Squall's shoes as Commander. "I just wanted to tell you that I got in contact with Garden and they said that they would come here to pick the both of you up. You don't mind do you?"
"Mind? No, of course not." To tell the truth, it was the last thing I wanted, but I knew that it would be helpful for Squall, so I acquiesced, putting his best interests at heart.
"Good. Everybody will be so thrilled to see the both of you again. The place hasn't been the same since you left. Anyway, if you could wait at Obel Lake tomorrow morning, you'll be picked up as soon as possible.
"Obel Lake? Why so far away?"
"We've found that the sight of Garden right outside a town sometimes cause panic amongst the residents. It's better this way."
"Alright, we'll be there."
"Good. Now I have to go and catch up on some paperwork I'm afraid. I'll see you tomorrow, though. Bye."
"Bye, Quistis." I hung the phone back up, sighing. I was dreading this.
"What did she want?" Squall asked, obviously curious as to the nature of the conversation.
"We'll meet Garden tomorrow morning and stay there for a while." He nodded, as if he had been expecting this.
"I guess it might bring something back."
"That's what I was hoping."
"You don't want to go do you?" It seems that he still knows me fairly well, too.
"Is it that obvious."
"Even to me."
"It's just, well, that was in my past, you know? I just walked out without even saying goodbye. Nobody there will be able to forgive me."
"Quistis did."
"Well, I guess that's just because she did something worse. She didn't have any other choice but to forgive me for running out. There's so many other's there that won't accept my reasons. They'll just think I'm selfish for doing that, and they'll hate me. Four years ago, I made a choice. I chose to leave Garden, leave my friends, and leave my life. It wasn't that I really wanted to, I just thought it would be better for everyone that way. I can't go back on that decision now."
"I don't blame you for not wanting to stay there, but, couldn't you just look upon this as a way of getting closure. You still feel guilty about leaving without saying goodbye, right?" I nodded. "So use this opportunity to say goodbye."
"I don't want to have to say goodbye to you, though. These last few days have been the happiest I've had for a long time."
"Who says I'll be staying there?"
"I assumed you'd want to. I mean, they'll probably offer you the position of Commander back, especially if Garden does help to bring some of your memories back."
"It doesn't mean I'll want to stay there. I feel as if I've never even been there before, so I'm sorry, but I just don't know what I'll do in the end. I can't make that decision yet." I guess that made sense. It was strange that he was clearly feeling less confused that I was. It shouldn't be like that. I should be the one helping him through this, instead of the other way round. How is it that he can look upon the world with clarity when I feel as if I've had a shroud pulled over my eyes. What if everybody at Garden does react badly to me going back? I know that they'll worship Squall as a returning hero, that was never in question. But me? Maybe they'll be glad to see me but I doubt it. I'm most afraid of Selphie's reaction. We were such good friends. She'd always be the one I'd go and talk to. Quistis was always too busy, and you couldn't get a serious opinion from Zell and Irvine. She was even the one that tried to comfort me after Squall's supposed death. What must she think of me? I know that I'd have been hurt if she had just left without a word, so I can imagine how she must feel about me. I know that she's not usually the sort to let anything bring her down, but she's always relied on her friends. That was what I was supposed to be, a friend. I betrayed her trust, and threw away her friendship. How could she ever accept me back?
"You know, if we've got an early morning tomorrow, you should really go to bed and get some sleep," Squall told me. He must be able to tell how worries I am about all this. "It'll do you good." He must have been hoping that it would make me forget about all of my problems.
"Okay, I'll see you in the morning."
"Yeah. Get some rest and you'll feel much better tomorrow."
Yeah, right. Something tells me I won't be able to sleep tonight.