Chapter 16
Emptiness is filling me,
To the point of agony.
Growing darkness taking dawn,
I was me, but now he's gone.
Metallica, Fade To Black
No matter how hard I try, I just can't sleep. For some reason, there's always something holding me back. I was too cold, then too warm, my pillows weren't comfortable, and then the moonlight, which streamed through the gap in between my curtains was just too bright. There's nothing that I can do. The longer I stay awake, the more I begin to think about everything that's been happening, and the more I think about it, the harder it becomes to sleep. The events of the last few days have been playing on my mind so much that I'm not too sure I'll ever sleep again.
I wonder if he's sleeping.
All my thoughts seem to lead back to one source…Squall.
What might he be thinking right now? How does he feel about being here?
I can only just begin to comprehend what life's like for him at the moment, I mean he can't remember anything about himself. Not a thing. What must it be like to be a person without a past? I guess there can be good points to it. There are countless moments in my life that I just look back on and cringe, I wouldn't mind forgetting them. But on the other hand, isn't it the memories that make people, and the shape the way they turn out? We can look back and reminisce on the good times, and learn from those mistakes we made, it's what makes us who we are.
Does that mean that Squall here right now isn't really the Squall I knew? Is he a completely different person?
I just don't know. Even if he recovers all of his memories, he still won't be the same. He'll change.
It happened once before, during our trip to Trabia Garden. We were all together in the basketball courts when Irvine started telling us this story about some kids at an orphanage. One by one, they all remembered, I could see the look of recognition form on each of their faces. Eventually, even Squall remembered all about his childhood, about growing up with Seifer and Matron. I have to admit that I felt so left out that day, more than I ever had before. I could accept that I wasn't a SeeD, and so there were some things that we couldn't share, but I just couldn't bare to feel as if I didn't belong with them. I know it sounds selfish, but I seriously thought of leaving them that day. It was as if I wasn't a part of anything anymore. They had all grown up together, been friends since they were little, and known each other almost all of their lives. Who was I to intrude on that?
It was my talk with Squall afterwards that changed my mind. Even though he had grown up with them, he had never really got close to any of them since. I felt as if he almost distanced himself from them. Whether or not it was deliberate, I don't know. When he found out that they had all grown up in the orphanage, I did notice that the distance between them closed slightly, but he was still wasn't too close to them. Maybe it was because he was supposed to be the leader of the group and he had his own responsibility, or maybe it was because he was used to being the loner. Either way, I felt some sort of connection because neither of us felt like we really belonged anywhere. Soon enough, I began to feel as if I belonged with him. And now?
Now where do we belong?
I still don't feel like there's anywhere I should be. I hate this place, I hate my job, before I found Squall again, I could even say that I hated my life.
The worst thing is that I'm afraid it'll happen to me. They all forgot about their childhoods because of the GFs. I gave myself over to the GFs too, in order that I might be able to use their power. Does that mean that I'll lose my memory too? What am I going to forget? Am I just going to end up like Squall, someone without a past?
I don't think I could take that. Not knowing who I was, or where I came from. I wonder how Squall got by in Winhill. He had to live day after day, not knowing anything about himself. How is it that he still seems the same Squall I always knew?
Maybe it's not just our memories that shape us.
No matter what's happened, he still seems to be Squall, and I still can't seem to distance myself from him. Believe me when I say I've tried. For so long, I tried to convince myself that, although he might look like Squall, it wasn't really him. How could it be him if he didn't know who I was after all?
Maybe that would have offered me a little comfort. It hurts to know that he could forget all that we shared and all that we went through. I know it's not his fault, and I don't want to take out my own feelings of disappointment on him, but it's still a little insulting that our love can't mean anything to him now.
It used to be everything.
It's hard enough for me to come to terms with this on my own, how much more difficult is it going to be when we return to Garden. How can I face up to my own fears and my own feelings when the whole world will be watching me? Even worse, I know that they're going to ask the question.
"Are you and Squall still together?"
I know they'll ask it. And I'll have to tell them the truth. I'll have to tell them that I'm nothing to him now.
It'll happen all over again. The sideways glances, the looks of pity each time I walked down a hallway. I couldn't take that last time, and I won't be able to take it now. I'd rather them hate me for just leaving. I'd rather the hatred blind them so much that they wouldn't feel sorry for me, than to have to endure the pity of other people who are practically strangers to me.
I'm not sure if I can do it. I mean, going back's a big step. I'm not sure if I'm ready. Things have just happened so quickly. I wish that I could have more time on my own to sort out my feelings. At the moment, I'm just confused.
Do I still love Squall?
I can't answer that yet, it's just too soon. If only Quistis hadn't come to visit at that particular time. I could have had all the time I wanted. I mean, what was she thinking, practically forcing us to go back to Garden as soon as she could? She didn't even ask us?
Maybe I'm being too harsh. She was probably so thrilled that Squall was alive, that she could barely contain her excitement and had to have Squall back as soon as possible. I guess I can't blame her, but it's not as if I wouldn't have told them all eventually anyway. This just seems too rushed. I'd have liked to get everything sorted out with Squall first. I mean, I guess at some point, I'm going to have to tell him that I was pregnant, right? He has to know that doesn't he?
But if he doesn't remember anything about us, or about that last night we spent together, the one when I was going to tell him, why should he have to know? What if it only complicates more? What if he can't forgive me for losing his child? I wouldn't blame him, I can't even forgive myself.
I really wouldn't want him to be angry with me, though, not at this stage. I know that there isn't a chance of our relationship being resurrected, but I'm sure that we can still be friends. It would kill me if the chance I have of restoring the friendship between us was ruined by me being the bearer of bad news. For now, I think I have to keep the truth from him. I hate lying, but I think it's what I have to do. I know I would feel worse if I lost him completely. So, it's for the best, right?
Besides, he's got enough on his plate as it is. He'll be back at Garden in a few hours, probably being worshipped as a returning hero, whereas I would feel lonely, out of place, and ostracised. I know that none of them will forgive me, but I also know that I have to go back there now, even if it is only for Squall's sake.
This is a great chance for him to recover some of his lost memories, to uncover some more pieces of the puzzle. Maybe he'll discover a little bit more about the real Squall Leonhart. Maybe we all will.
I know that, today, whatever will happen, will happen, and I can only hope and pray that it's not all a complete catastrophe. I could really do with some good news for a change.