Chapter 17
Because nothing lasts forever,
And we both know hearts can change.
And it's hard to hold a candle,
In the cold November rain.
Guns N Roses, November Rain.
Diary of Selphie Tilmitt
May 7th
You know what?
Today, I got some good news, the first piece I've had in so many years.
He's alive.
I can't believe it, Squall is actually alive, and he's coming here. I'm still in shock. I mean, I used to dream about this moment all the time. That day, four years ago ruined everything. I always used to think, "what if that day never happened?"
And now? Now maybe I can find out, we all can. Everything can just go back to the way it was before. We can just forget about the pain and the hurt of the last four years, and get on with living the lives we had all imagined would happen after we defeated Ultimecia.
How young and foolish we all were back then. We thought we were invincible, we thought that nothing could defeat us. How wrong we were.
Squall's death ended everything.
Nothing was ever the same again. We all changed, some of us beyond recognition.
Rinoa was devastated. None of us could even begin to imagine to what extent the pain and the grief was eating away at her. She became so withdrawn. She hardly ever spoke, she didn't eat, she didn't sleep. I tried to help her, but nothing I could do could ease the pain she felt inside. It hurt us all to see her change so much overnight. She became a completely different person, one that we didn't know and could never hope to understand. I can't say that I expected her to leave, but was I surprised?
No.
After all, what did she have left for her at Garden? She had lost the one she loved, and in a roundabout way, she had lost her friends too, changed beyond all recognition to her. If only we had known what was going through her head. Maybe we could have helped her. Maybe we could have seen that she needed our support. But we were all too wrapped up in our own grief to see what was happening to her.
Quistis became so distant, preferring to immerse herself in her work as Commander, than to even think about what had happened. I don't think she spoke to any of us for weeks. It was as if she was avoiding us. Even now, the only time she speaks to me is when she when she has to, and it's always about business. I hope now that all that will change. It was she who told me the news about Squall, and I could sense that something had changed within her. She seemed…calmer, as if knowing that Squall was still alive had brought some form of peace to her soul.
To begin with, I wouldn't believe Quistis. I mean, how could Squall still be alive. I know it's true that we never found his body, but we all saw Seifer, lying dead, riddled with gunshot wounds. When we found Squall's Lionheart in the sand nearby we all jumped to the same conclusion. Squall and Seifer had fought to the death.
But Squall is still alive. So what did really happen that day? Maybe he will be able to shed some light on it.
I still remember the day of Seifer's funeral. There were only two of us there to watch as he was buried as a traitor to SeeD. I thought one of us should be there, I'm not sure why. Maybe because he dedicated so much of his life to SeeD, or maybe because I needed to make sure that he was really dead and could never harm any of us again. Ellone was the only other person present, and she wept for the body that was laid out in the casket. At the time, I didn't understand why she was there and I thought she was foolish for caring about Seifer. I don't think that she believed he had killed Squall. Maybe she was the only one of us to open our eyes and see what was right in front of us. It wasn't as if we had any proof to convict him, but we passed judgement anyway. Maybe none of us had forgiven him for the Ultimecia incident, and we were still holding it against him. I know that I was. It was then that I realised that I owed him an apology, so I decided to go and visit him.
Today was the first day in a long time that I had visited that graveyard. On many occasions I had visited Squall's highly decorated grave and completely ignored the somewhat simpler one that I had always walked past. There were never any flowers on this grave, and it seemed badly tended to. I brushed away the moss that had covered the stone and read the slightly worn inscription.
"Seifer Almasy"
That was all it said. There was no testament to what kind of man he was, there wasn't even a date on it. There was just that simple, two-word inscription. It was all we had thought he deserved. We might have been so wrong about him. I couldn't really think of anything to say to him, though, that could sum up how I was feeling.
"Sorry."
That was all that I could bear to say.
It was only after I had returned that I thought about telling the others. I doubted that Quistis would have told Zell and Irvine about Squall. We may not have spoken much over the last few years but they still deserved to know.
It was Zell that I contacted first. It took me a long while to track him down, but eventually, I found out that he was staying in Fisherman's Horizon whilst on a mission. These missions that he was undertaking were really far beneath him. Most of them were simple jobs like spying on someone's husband to find out if they were cheating. Only cadets were usually sent on missions that were a complete waste of time, but Zell accepted anything that would allow him to travel the world in search of Squall. I admired him so much for never giving up hope. I only hope that one day, I might be able to have such faith as he has.
He was so overjoyed when I told him the truth, that Squall was still alive. He gave up his mission there and then to return home. He should be here soon. I only hope he can forgive us all for giving up. If there was one thing we should have learned from fighting Ultimecia, it was that there is always hope. Zell didn't forget that. I can't wait for him to come back, I've felt so alone here for the last four years. It would be nice to have some company again.
It would be even better to have Irvine back again.
I've felt so cold ever since he returned to Galbadia. After Rinoa left, I needed his support more than ever. He left with me with nobody to talk to and no shoulder to cry on. I never even really found out why he left. He told me it was because there was just too much sadness for him to stay. Is that really the reason? Could he no longer feel any happiness when he looked me in the eye?
I guess I have nobody to blame but myself. It wasn't as if he didn't give any me any warning. He started drinking more than he used to, going to bars every night, and staying in hotels instead of coming back our room. I can't count the number of nights that I slept alone in a cold, empty bed. Maybe if I had tried to talk to him, and asked how he was feeling, he wouldn't have left. Instead, I just spent my time alone and crying, waiting for things to return to the way they were before. I changed so much during that time, everybody told me so. I just felt so miserable, as if my life ended when he left.
There was no Squall, no Rinoa, no Irvine and I barely saw Zell and Quistis. I was all alone.
That, more than anything is what I want to change. I just want the six of us to all be happy again, and to enjoy each other's company. With Squall coming back, maybe we can do that. Maybe everything would be okay.
Irvine seemed really shocked to hear from me, almost as if he never expected to speak to me again. I asked him how everything was, and it turns out that he had been promoted and was now the assistant headmaster of Galbadia Garden. And he never even called to tell me!
I have to admit, I was surprised by his news. He seemed to be the least likely person to be in any position of responsibility. I was even more surprised that he had accepted the promotion. He must have matured so much in the years since he left. The Irvine I knew would never become an assistant headmaster. He just didn't take life seriously enough to want a job like that. This was a different Irvine from the one that I knew four years ago.
On the one hand, I do want to meet him again, to talk about everything that has happened, and to find out how much he has changed. We've got so much catching up to do after all. But on the other hand, I'm not sure if I'm ready to speak to him again, and to face up to my past. With Squall returning, it looks like I'll have to face up to everything I'd rather forget about. The few weeks before Irvine left were the worst of my life, and it looks like I'm going to be forced to relive them. This time, I'll have to talk to him. He owes me an answer.
I just want to know why.
A/N Sorry it took so long. I spent all summer working and now I've got so much schoolwork to do. Thanks to everyone who reviewed this fic:
Rinoa Leonhart1
Karla3
Keiry
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Discordia the Goddess of Irony
Meiko3
Dan
Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart – by the way, will you be updating Love Grows soon?
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And Dcmcc7942 and Joker Loire of the Turks for their emails. Thanks guys!