Chapter 18

And no-one sings me lullabies,

And no-one makes me close my eyes,

And so I throw the windows wide,

And call to you across the sky.

Echoes, Pink Floyd.

"Reflect on your childhood."

"Rinoa," I screamed as the abomination which stood before me struck out at her, knocking her to the floor.  I unleashed my wrath on the creature, not letting it come any nearer to her.  I lashed out, doing everything in my power to protect the one I cared about so much. 

What is this?  What am I seeing?

"Squall.  It's…it's alright," she said, tentatively getting back on her feet, and drawing her weapon once more.

"Your sensation…"

What the hell is this thing we're fighting?  Was it human once?

I could hear the shouts of the others behind me.  "She's weakening, Squall.  She's weakening."

She?  So that thing was female?  Could it be her?

I kept glancing back at Rinoa.  There was no way that I was going to let anybody hurt her.

"Your words…"

I struck out at 'her' once more.  "You caused her so much pain," I screamed as I raked my blade through her skin. 

Caused who pain?  Did I mean Rinoa?  How had this thing hurt Rinoa?

"Your emotions…"

It was then that Rinoa stepped forward and began to fight.  She screamed something incomprehensible to me as she fired her projectile, aiming right for the heart.  The look in her eyes terrified me and chilled me to my very core.  It was one of total hatred. 

But that's not like Rinoa.

"Time…"

Rinoa attacked mercilessly, almost as if she were possessed.  The creature was being pushed backwards now, relentlessly by the continuous onslaught that she was facing. 

"It will not wait…"

I stepped up to Rinoa's side, and placed one hand on her shoulder.  Immediately, her gaze softened, and she returned to some sort of normality, her momentary lapse of reason forgotten.  I felt stronger knowing that she was beside me, and I knew that our victory was near.

"No matter how hard you hold on…"

"Squall, finish the sorceress off."  I could hear a female voice scream this towards me, but I couldn't pinpoint the source.  Looking around, all I could see was Rinoa and the sorceress. 

So it is Ultimecia then?  This is what happened.  But why was Rinoa killing a fellow sorceress?

"It escapes you…"

This time, Ultimecia was rasping, clearly losing her strength.  With what power she had left, she reached for Rinoa.

"No," I screamed, as I leapt forward, ready to give my own life to protect her.  I unleashed a devastating series of blows on the creature, ones from which she would never recover.

"And…"

Those were the last words she muttered before the world turned black.

"Rinoa!"

I sat bolt upright, sweat dripping down my forehead.  Was what I had just seen real? 

That was Ultimecia, right?  The sorceress?  Rinoa had told me that we had defeated her, but it all seemed too incredible to be true. 

I needed to talk to her, to ask her about what I had just seen.  There were still so many things that I couldn't understand.  I mean, Rinoa said that she was a sorceress, and yet, I just saw her fighting Ultimecia.  That didn't make any sense to me.  I guess that there must have been good sorceresses like Rinoa had mentioned, otherwise, could I ever have fallen in love with her?  I didn't think so.

Still, there was so much I needed to know.

Has she always been a sorceress?  What made her different from Ultimecia? What's it like being one of them?

The questions were endless.

"Squall?"  Rinoa stepped into the room, her dressing gown wrapped around her.  "What's wrong?" she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Just a dream," I muttered, secretly wondering if that was really the case.

"What did you see?" she asked, sitting down beside me, a concerned look upon her face.

"Ultimecia.  At least, I think that was what I saw."  After all, it could just as easily have been your average nightmare.  I mean, losing her, that's the worst thing that could happen, right?  Maybe I'm just afraid that something will take her away, and then who will be there for me?  Rinoa knew me better than anyone, at least I think she did.  She's the best person to teach me about myself.  Without her I'm lost.

"What happened?"

"We were fighting against her, you and I.  At least, you were the only one I could see.  I could hear voices but it was as if that was all they were."  I struggled, trying to remember what else had occurred.  "She tried to kill you."

"She tried to kill us all, Squall."

"I know, but she seemed to want you dead, in particular."  Rinoa sighed, looking despondent. 

"I guess you don't remember then."

Rinoa, there's so much I don't remember.

"She controlled me, Squall."  Looking up at her, I could see the fear in her eyes even now, many years after Ultimecia had finally been defeated.  Obviously, she still wasn't exactly comfortable with this subject, almost as if it held some silent terror for her.  "For a time, I was part of her, and she was part of me."  Her voice had begun to shake with fear.  "It was terrible, Squall.  She…she made me hurt you."  And with that, her resolve wavered, as she collapsed into a fit of tears, four years worth of anguish flooding out in that one instant.

"Rinoa," I whispered, guiltily.  Am I doomed to always cause her pain and heartache? 

This is all my fault, I always say the wrong thing.

Can she ever forgive me for all that I've done?

I didn't know what to say to make it better.  Maybe words could never truly express how sorry I felt.  And besides, I'd probably just screw up again by saying something really insensitive and inappropriate.  One thing I've discovered about myself is that I seem to do that a lot.

So what do I do?

I can't just leave her crying can I?  As much as I'd like to, I know I can't.  Unfortunately, nobody else is going to come along and talk to her, comfort her and make her feel better. 

Maybe that's for the best, I mean, it should be me doing this, right?  I'm the one who caused her all this pain, so I guess I'm the one who should face the consequences. 

That settled, I did the only thing that I knew I could.  I slowly put my arms around her and pulled her closer to me, until her head was resting on my shoulder.  I could feel her tears gently soaking through my shirt onto my skin, but I didn't care.  Somehow, it just felt right that she should be here in my arms.

Echoes.

That's what these feelings are.

Echoes of a past long forgotten.

I lost track of how long we just sat there, never moving, but eventually, the tears and the pain subsided and the world fell silent.   But still, I didn't let go, I couldn't let go.  No matter how hard I tried, I was trapped there with her.  No matter how many times my mind instructed me to move, my body just wouldn't listen.

"Squall.  I'm so sorry," she whispered, almost as if she was afraid of disturbing the peace and quiet of Deling City at four in the morning.

Sorry?  

What did she have to be sorry for?

"It was terrible, I didn't mean for any of it to happen.  She made me hurt you, and all I could do was watch.  I was seeing everything through my own eyes, but I had no control.  She forced me to see the look of agony in your face as I flung you across the room.  She took pleasure in it."  She spat that last phrase out with sheer venom.  It seemed that there were still some ghosts from her past that would continue to haunt her for a long time to come.  "She took pleasure in hurting the ones I loved."

All of this was too difficult for me to comprehend.  I knew that Ultimecia had somehow controlled her, but I wasn't sure about the rest.  It was so frustrating that I couldn't remember any of this.  Just what was Rinoa forced to do?  

"But even though I hurt you, and caused so much trouble, you were there for me.  You saved my life when I thought all was lost."

I did?

"And…and you accepted me for what I had become.  A sorceress."

For what she had become?  So she wasn't always like this?

"And I never even thanked you."

Rinoa?  I don't understand.

"And now, I don't know if it's too late."

Rinoa, help me understand.

"You probably don't remember any of this, so you probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about, but…thank you.  Thank you anyway."  I didn't know how to reply to this, so I just pulled her closer, as much for my comfort as for hers.  I was so confused.  Did Ultimecia want Rinoa dead because she had once been a part of her?  Is that how Rinoa got her powers?  Is that why this all still upsets her? 

"Squall, did you hate me?" she asked, seemingly afraid.

"What?"

Why is she asking this?  Why would I hate her?

"Did you hate me for what I did?"

Rinoa, please.  I don't remember.

"What did you do?"

"When she controlled me, I…I freed the sorceress Adel from space.  I nearly brought chaos to the whole world, and yet, you never said anything.  You never mentioned it again.  You just talked about the future.  I thought that it was because you couldn't forgive me for the past."

How am I supposed to answer?

I didn't know.  I didn't want to lie to her, and just say, "of course not," but at the same time what if the truth would hurt?  How can I know what my feelings were during a time that I don't even remember? 

She may have been asking the impossible, but she still wanted an answer.  She looked up at me, moving her head from my shoulder for the first time, her tear-stained eyes begging me for an answer I knew I couldn't give.  At least I thought I couldn't.

The journal.

Something stuck in my mind that I had written. 

She could become the world's enemy and I just wouldn't care.

I had actually written that after Ultimecia had possessed her.  See, I couldn't possibly have despised her, or even held anything against her.  There was my answer.

"Rinoa," I began, looking directly into her eyes, hoping to show her how truthful I was being, "I never hated you for a moment."  For a second, she seemed unsure of how to react.  She was almost frozen to the spot.  

"Thank you," she whispered, obviously relieved.  "I really needed to be sure."

"There's no need to worry about it anymore."   That was the truth.  For once, it seemed as if I wasn't the only one still searching for answers about the past.

"But, what about the others?  I never asked them how they felt.  Every single one of them had been trained to kill sorceresses ever since they were young.  They must have felt something against me." 

It was difficult enough remembering how I felt towards her, never mind remembering how everybody else felt.  But still, if she moved me enough to accept her for what she was, I'm sure that nobody else would hold it against her.

"If I didn't care, I'm sure that nobody else would."

"Maybe you're right," she sighed.  "I guess I'll find out for sure later today."  She seemed, I don't know…apprehensive…about all of this.  I'm sure that she doesn't want to go back to Garden, and not just because it was in her past.  I'm a part of her history and she doesn't seem too anxious to get away from me.  There's something else holding her back.  Fear, perhaps. 

Well, whatever it was, I got the feeling that she wasn't ready to share it with me just yet.  Maybe she will when the time is right.  Either way, I'm not about to push her into telling me.  I'll wait until she's ready. 

"I'd better go and get ready," she muttered as she began to leave.  All this talk of Garden really seemed to get her down.  Why does even mentioning the place cause her to react like this? 

The look on her face as she turned to walk out of the door told me everything I needed to know.

She's afraid.

After that, I just couldn't go back to sleep.  Never before had I wondered about my feelings for her as I did now.  Holding her like that just seemed so…natural.  It was as if something just clicked.  I know that I had written about being in love with her, but before now, I still doubted it at the very back of my mind.  But when she was in my arms, something stirred in my heart.  I'm not sure what, all I know is that it was something, and that something was indescribable. 

I opened the bag of my belongings that I had brought from Winhill, and removed the small, velvet box from within it.  This had been troubling me for some time now.  Just before I left, Maron had asked to talk to me alone, and he had presented me with this.  According to him, it had been in my pocket when he found me, but he had never given it back in case it just made me long for the life I had forgotten. 

I undid the clasp on the box and lifted the lid so that I could run my finger over the smooth, perfectly formed diamond that sat atop the platinum band. 

Was this for Rinoa?

I felt sure that it was.  But why I had it I wasn't sure.  Maybe it was her birthday, or an anniversary or something.  Or even…nah, there's no way I'd do that is there?  I quickly removed that thought from my head. 

I'm sure I'll remember eventually, I have to.  It's just killing me that I can't ask Rinoa.  I mean, what if it was meant to be a surprise?  It'd just be way too awkward.  We're not together now, and I don't want the people at Garden getting any ideas. 

And besides, aren't I making things difficult enough for Rinoa as it is?  It must be difficult enough for her to accept me as it is, I don't need to go and remind her of what we had at one time.  It'd just bring back painful memories, and I've caused her too much grief as it is.  This is just something I have to figure out on my own.

And to think, life used to be so simple.

Now, there's so much I have to figure out on my own.  I mean, do I stay at Garden, or not? 

Part of me thinks that it's a great idea.  I've lived there for most of my life, so it would make sense that being there would help me remember.  But a part of me is saying that it's not my home anymore, and I have a duty to Rinoa.  She's helped me out so much that I really don't know if I can just abandon her.  One things for sure, I know that she won't want to stay in Garden for very long, so I have to make a decision quickly. 

I guess I can't worry about it too much now.   I can't decide until I've at least been there, can I? 

Well, I suppose that it makes today a very important day.

I only hope I can make the right call.

A/N: Wow, that was a long chapter-for me anyway. I just want to apologise for the fact that ff.net seems very reluctant when uploading italics, so if you're wondering why some lines that should be italicised aren't, then the answer is that they were, they just wouldn't upload correctly.  Sorry.  Does anybody know if I can do anything about this?

Thanks to everyone for staying with this fic, I really appreciate it.  And now for a shameless plug, I feel very guilty about my appalling treatment of Quistis in some of my stories, so I wrote a whole story dedicated to her called 'A Love Misunderstood.'  Please give it a try, pretty please?  Anyway, time for the thanks:

Meiko

Karla3

Hiasha

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

Dan

Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart

Dark Squall Leonhart

And a special thanks to Ashbear and Optical Goddess for reviewing so many of my fics recently.