Chapter 19
I think I'm drowning,
Asphyxiated,
I want to break the spell,
That you've created.
You will be the death of me.
Time Is Running Out, Muse.
"Rinoa. I never hated you for a moment."
It was all I had been able to think of this morning, that one little phrase running over and over again, relentlessly, throughout my mind.
Did he really mean that?
I don't mean to doubt him, I really don't. I mean, I trusted him…I do trust him. At least, I think I do.
It's just, well…I can't be certain of anything anymore. I feel as if I'm back to being the frightened little girl, who would sit night after night at her bedroom window, waiting for her mother to come back to her, yet deep down, knowing it was hopeless. I'm all alone in the world again.
I realise that that may sound a little strange. I should be over the moon, right? Every night for the last four years, I dreamed that he returned to me. He just walked straight back into my life, I welcomed him with open arms, and everything went back to the way it was before, as if none of the last few years had ever happened.
Why can't reality ever be that simple?
I know that he's here with me, but, for some reason, I know I'm still alone. I'm alone, fighting in the dark, fighting to regain something of my past.
But I know I'm losing. There's nothing I can do. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to hold onto it. My past, it's slipping away from me, I can't stop it. Either I let it go completely, let go of everything that I ever held dear to me, and become somebody else, or I can carry on fighting the losing battle, letting myself drown in the sorrows of my past.
No matter what I choose, I lose a part of myself.
Worse still, I'm going to end up losing him.
After all that has happened, after all that I've felt and all that I've done, I know that I can't go back to just being friends.
"Rinoa? Are you even listening to me?"
It was only then that I realised how deep in thought I must have been, as by now, the tone in Squall's voice was one of great annoyance.
"Sorry," I replied, sheepishly. I hadn't meant to ignore him, it's just, well…there are other things on my mind at the moment.
"You've been like this all morning. Aren't you going to tell me why?"
"I'm just tired, that's all. You woke me up pretty early." From the look on his face, I could tell that he knew I was lying, but, thankfully, he didn't pursue the matter any further, and so we walked on towards Obel Lake in complete silence. However, this wasn't the comfortable silence from very early this morning. This was something different, it was…well…awkward. I could feel that he wanted to say something, anything to break the ice. It reminded me of the first moment I met Squall after the graduation ball. He walked into the train carriage, noticed that he would be working for me, and that was it. I don't think I even managed to make eye contact with him for about a week afterwards. Even when we were arguing, he wouldn't look at me, almost as if setting his eyes upon me would make him want to back down. That was what had given me hope back then, that maybe he didn't just find me a nuisance. But now I just think he feels awkward because there's nothing to say anymore.
He has some idea of what was once between us, and I'm sure he knows that I still cling to that idea.
So what can he say to me without feeling awkward? He must think I'm still in love with him and he must be so embarrassed about it. If only I could have hidden my feelings a little better, maybe he'd have found it easier to talk to me. I mean, I still don't know what these feelings are myself, all I know is that they're there. It would have been much safer to hide them until I'd figured out what they actually meant, but I'm not one for hiding my emotions. I'm too straightforward a person.
I guess I'll never know. In a matter of minutes, Garden will be here.
And so will the beginning of the end.
His home will always be in Garden, and mine never will be again.
Glancing over at him, I noticed that he seemed somewhat different now that we had arrived at the meeting place. There was a look of anticipation on his face, certainly, but I got the impression that it was mingled with something else. Fear, perhaps?
No, it can't be. There's nothing for him to fear. Garden is his home, and he'll be welcomed back like an all-conquering hero, of that I'm sure. Maybe he's just anxious to see everybody again. As far as I know, he has very little memory of them, he only knows what I've told him and what he's read in his journal. Will he even recognise their faces?
If not, then I don't want to have to see the look on Selphie and Zell's faces when they meet him again for the first time. It would hurt them both to be forgotten, I know.
Then again, I'm not sure if I really want to see anybody there again. I'm so afraid of their reactions that I'm really tempted not to go. It would be so easy just to wait here until Squall leaves and then go home and try to forget everything and build myself a new life.
"You're thinking of staying, aren't you," he asked.
How the hell did he know what I was thinking?
Am I really that obvious?
This was one aspect of Squall that always used to amaze me. For someone who would never express many emotions, he was certainly a good judge of other people's, even if he didn't always let on that he knew how they were feeling. And it seems that he can still read me like a book, even if it's not at all like he was to be so forward with his questions.
"Rinoa, answer me."
"Yes," I whispered, not wanting to lie anymore. I didn't expect a reply. I thought that he would just accept this, and then we could sit in yet more uncomfortable silence before it was time for him to leave.
"Please, Rinoa. I don't want you to go."
What? Is he really saying this?
I had been so taken aback that I had no clue of how to reply. Instead I just sat there, my head in a daze.
"Please, Rinoa. You can't leave. I feel like…like I'm getting to know you. I guess I mean, I'm getting to know you again."
"Squall. Garden's your home, not mine. You have plenty of friends there that will help you, I promise."
"So, you're not going to help me anymore, is that it? You're just going to palm me off on somebody else at the first opportunity you get," he shouted.
Is that what he thinks of me? Can't he see what I'm going through?
"It would be better for the both of us if I stayed."
"You mean it would be better for you if you stayed here and didn't have to face whatever it is that you seem so afraid of?"
I froze. I hadn't expected that.
Just how does he know that I'm afraid?
"You can't run away for ever, Rinoa. You showed me that when you took me away from Winhill and helped me find my past. I've got no one else to turn to." I looked into his eyes, and saw that every word he had uttered was the truth. More than that, there was something that still burned in those eyes, something that I hadn't seen for what felt like an age to a heart as frozen as mine.
"Rinoa, please. I need you."
He needs me? He really does?
Was this for real? Did he really say those words, or was it just the trick of an overactive imagination.
"Rinoa, dammit, say something," he screamed in frustration.
No, it was real. Those words were real. And with them, I felt the first glimmer of hope return to me, and, unwittingly, I found myself replying to him.
"I need you too."
A/N. I said I was going to do a chapter of Breaking Away before this one, but I've had really bad writer's block with that story, so I'm sorry to those people who I promised another chapter. You'll have to make do with this.
Thanks to:
Dan
Karla
Kikoken
Vyg Tnaysan
Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart
Shanna
Prizz
Optical Goddess
EternalHikari
Sorceress Rinoa Leonhart
Merry Christmas!