Chapter 20
Life has been unfaithful,
And it all promised so much.
La Tristessa Durera,
Scream to a sigh.
Manic Street Preachers, La Tristessa Durera.
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say now?
"I need you too." That's what she said to me. "I need you too."
How do I reply to that without sounding incredibly needy? The last thing I want is for her to start getting any ideas. I've got enough to deal with now as it is, without having to sort out things between us. Believe me, that is not a discussion that I want to be having any time soon. I just want to figure out who I am without having anything else to complicate matters.
So why did I have to go and tell her that I need her? Why?
I really wish I could take back that one little sentence. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I was lying or anything. I do need her, I just don't want her to think that I need her because I still love her. I need her because she knows who I was. She knew me better than anybody else, meaning that she's the perfect person to help me figure out my past.
And…I don't know. I feel like I need her there, just because I know her. I remember glimpses of my past concerning her, and even now she doesn't feel like a complete stranger. I just don't want to go into Garden without a clue as to who anybody is. I need her because I'm relying on her to be my guide.
It's at times like these that I make myself feel sick. I'm always relying on other people, not matter how hard I try to be self-reliant. From what I've heard about my past, and from what I've read in my journal, I depended on my friends. I depended on Maron back in Winhill. If he hadn't have found me and nursed me back to health, I wouldn't be alive today. And now I'm almost entirely dependent on Rinoa.
Without her, I'd be lost.
But why did I have to admit that I needed her? It just came out, I hadn't meant to say it. It's almost like I suddenly develop Tourette's whenever she's around. I can't help saying these things. And I know that it'll only make things more difficult in the future. She'll think that I want us to be together again, and…well…we're not going to get back together. I'm almost sure of it. I can't be sure that it's what I want, and it just wouldn't be fair to her. I might not know much about myself, but for some reason, I know that I'd only end up hurting her again. I couldn't live with myself if I did that again.
This is just the way that it has to be.
It wasn't long until Garden finally arrived. I have to admit, the sight of the military school floating above the Plains of Galbadia on its anti-gravity rings was breathtaking. I found myself gazing upwards in awe. Whatever I had expected about Garden, this was definitely not it.
"Quite a shock after living in Winhill isn't it?" Rinoa chuckled, obviously amused by the expression on my face.
I had to admit, she had a point. The place was so technologically-backwards that it was deemed a great event if so much as a car drove past. I had been shocked at the sudden change in scenery when I first came to Deling, but nothing had prepared me for this.
"I'm sorry I even thought about staying," Rinoa admitted, as Garden hovered and lowered itself to the ground.
"You don't have to be sorry. I understand." That's a lie. I don't understand. I know she's afraid but she won't tell me why. Maybe I could be a bit more understanding if she'd just tell me the truth. Maybe then, I wouldn't have felt so betrayed when she said that she had considered not going with me.
"Are you ready?" she asked me, motioning towards the entrance.
I took a deep breath. Well, it's now or never.
"Welcome back, Squall," Quistis announced as I entered Garden. I took a quick look around at my surroundings. Corridors, filled with lush trees all leading to an elevator at a central hub which was surrounded by water as clear as the sky above Winhill. This wasn't what I had expected. I was stood in a military school. Where were the harsh, enclosed spaces and hospital-white walls? Just behind Quistis, there were a further three people. I had to assume that they were my former friends, and I was immediately glad that I had read every passage in my journal about them, in the hope that I might at least be able to recognise them when I got here. Unfortunately for me, there wasn't much information on them. Most of my writing seemed to focus on one person in particular, and that wasn't going to help me now. One was a short woman, with brown, shoulder length hair, and a grin that spread across the whole of her face. I saw her turn to the man next to her, and whisper something in his ear. Fortunately for me, she clearly had no concept of the word quiet, and I could hear what she was saying.
"See, Irvy. It's really him. He's here."
I guessed that this must have been Selphie, if she was that happy to see me back. I remember one particular adjective in my journal that always seemed to be describing her…hyperactive. That description seemed to fit, as she was hopping from one foot to the other in excitement. It seemed as though she just couldn't keep still, and that matched what I knew of her personality.
She had called the man next to her Irvy. I guessed this meant he was Irvine. From what I had written, I presume that he and Selphie were a couple, but now that I saw them, I wasn't so sure. He appeared to be keeping his distance from her, and was repeatedly stealing glances at her when he believed she wasn't looking. The surprising thing about him, though, was that he was wearing a uniform denoting an identical rank to Quistis. I was under the impression that she was the leader of Garden. How could anyone be equal in rank to her? Although he certainly looked the part of a Commander, with his short, neatly cropped hair and his towering frame, but I can't help thinking that something's missing. He doesn't have the air of authority that Quistis seems to emanate so effortlessly. She is certainly the most believable Commander.
By process of elimination, Zell must be the person stood to Quistis' left. His reaction seemed to be one of complete and utter disbelief, almost as if he had expected this whole thing to turn out to be a childish prank. He was dressed more casually than the others, wearing jeans and a t-shirt as opposed to a uniform. He did, however, sport a pair of gauntlets on his arms, the only giveaway sign that he wasn't just an average civilian.
There were more people stood behind these four, but I had no clue as to their identity. But then, without Rinoa or my journal, I wouldn't have been able to put names to any of their faces bar Quistis', and I only recognised her because of her previous visit.
That frightened me somewhat. I just couldn't work out who everyone was.
There was something that I found more worrying, however.
I didn't recognise this place, even though I had grown up here.
Welcome back. That was what Quistis had said.
Welcome back.
That felt wrong. It was as if I had never been here before in my life.
A/N Sorry for the short chapter. I've got loads of exams and I really should be revising at the moment.
Thanks to:
Hiasha
Pikachu612M
Karla3
Happy Youkai
Sorceress Rinoa Leonhart
Pretty Green Eyes
Dan
Optical Goddess
Travithian Exile
Zer0 Kataru
Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart
DBH