Chapter 21
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
No tomorrow.
Mad World, Tears for Fears
Diary of Laguna Loire
May 8th
Sometimes, I really worry about myself. It's four in the morning, and instead of being in bed like any normal person, here I am, writing an entry in a diary I haven't even touched for four years. I thought I'd left this whole thing behind by now, after all, I did start writing this more than twenty years ago, for Elle.
When she went missing, it felt like my world had fallen apart. I loved her as if she was my own daughter, and she was taken away from me. Each day that I spent without her, I felt cheated by something. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel the same way. I wanted her to feel as if she didn't miss out on that time with me, so I started a diary for her, and hoped one day, that she could read it, and understand what happened in that time. I wanted her to hear the adventures of Uncle Laguna, Kiros and Ward. She would have loved those stories, I know it.
I never did give her the diary though, the guilt was too much. These stories were what had kept me away from Raine when she was dying. I missed her final moments on this earth. I wasn't there for her. Afterwards, I became a changed man. I could hardly even look Elle in the eye anymore. I retreated into my own little world, concentrating on running Esthar instead of comforting Ellone over the death of the woman who had been like a mother to her. Eventually, I sent her to an orphanage, thinking that it would be better for her than being around the mess of a man that I had become. It was only when I found out the danger that she was in that I brought her home.
How she ever forgave me, I don't know. I could have ruined her life by sending her to that orphanage, but she didn't say anything…she refused to hate me. I couldn't even blame her for not telling me about Squall for all those years. I didn't find out until he was seventeen years old, and he was sent as the leader of the SeeDs that I had requested. Only then, did she admit to me that I had a son. When I asked her to explain why she had kept it from me, her words stung me.
"You were a wreck back then. You'd have been tearing yourself up about not being there when Raine died. If I had told you, I thought it would make everything worse."
This really hit home what a bad father I'd been to her. I was determined not to make the same mistake with Squall, but, being me, I screwed up badly. Almost as soon as the whole Ultimecia incident was over, I decided to come right out and tell him the truth, that I was his father. He wouldn't so much as talk to me for more than a month afterwards. I should have taken things slower, or at least have let him get to know me properly before I told him.
I think he truly hated me then. To him, I was a complete moron of a Galbadian soldier who could never do anything right. I think he wanted it to be a lie. I was the last kind of father he wanted.
If it wasn't for Rinoa, I'm sure he would have frozen me out of his life completely, but as it was, she really turned things around. Hers was the only opinion that mattered to him, and she begged him to give me a chance…probably because of the trouble she had been through with her own father. Slowly, he came around to the idea that he was my son. Sure, we weren't exactly going to play ball in the park every weekend, but we were civil to one another and our professional relationship was very solid, and profitable, for both sides.
I almost wish that wasn't the case.
If he had carried on hating me, he would never have taken the job I offered him, of leading a team against an Estharian rebel group. If he had never have spoken to me again, he wouldn't have lost the last four years of his life.
The moment that I received that phone call from Quistis will remain with me forever. That was the moment that I felt as if my life ended.
"I'm really sorry Laguna…I have some bad news for you. It's Squall, he's…he's…dead."
I could feel my entire world fall apart around me in that one instant. My only son had been taken from me.
If it wasn't for Elle, I don't think I would have made it through those dark times. She was my rock…the one who kept me sane and gave me a shoulder to cry on. Without her, I would have given up…I would have lost everything.
Still, life had never been the same without him. Even though we weren't very close, I still missed him every damn day. I thought I'd never get over it.
Now maybe, I'll get the chance to.
It's been two hours now since I was awoken by an urgent phone call that had patched through to my private residence. I figured that the call would be from someone in Balamb. They never seem to realise that we're several hours behind over here, and they're frequently waking us up in the middle of the night. The subject of the phone call, however, was more than a little surprising.
"Laguna? It's Quistis, I need you to come here right away. It's urgent."
I had expected to hear some terrible news, you know, treaties breaking down, a high profile murder, maybe a war looming on the horizon. Instead, she told me the last thing that I had ever expected to hear.
"Turns out, we made a mistake four years ago. He's alive. He's here."
After those words, everything was a blur. I think I put the phone down on her in shock, but I can't be certain. All I remember is ordering Kiros and Ward to wake up, and have a team ready the Ragnarok for immediate departure. All I could think off was going to Balamb, the need to get there was all that would sink in. Even now, I'm still not sure if I can believe it. I guess I'm terrified that I'll get to Balamb and it'll all be a huge mistake. I'm scared of getting my hopes up, scared that I'll have to go to bed tonight, as I have for the last four years, knowing that my son is dead, and I'll never see him again.
I've been in countless battles and rebellions, believe me, I'm well acquainted with fear, but this? This is the worst fear a father can know, I just can't face to lose him again.
Well, I guess it's time to stop waiting, and to face up to this. I need to know the truth.
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AN. Sorry this took ages, I've just had so much work to do for school. Thanks to everyone that reviewed though, I really appreciate it.