Chapter 22
It's been raining since you left me,
Now I'm drowning in the flood.
You see I've always been a fighter,
But without you I give up.
Bon Jovi, Always
Looking upwards towards the stars in the sky had always had an effect on me, ever since I was a little girl. I can remember my mother telling me, "whenever it feels like everything is getting too much, and you just feel like giving up, look up to the stars. The sky is full of them, all millions of years old. So you see, no matter how big your problems might seem to you, in the grand scale of things, they're insignificant."
Of course at the time, I wasn't old enough to question this, but now, her saying seems depressing. Doesn't it also mean that, in the grand scale of things, we are only insignificant too? That's something I don't want to believe, that I refuse to believe. Even an individual can alter the world beyond all recognition, for better or for worse, I know that all to well by now.
Even though my problems don't disappear anymore when I stare at the stars, I do feel somewhat calmer…more serene. On most nights, it helps me to focus myself, to see everything with so much more clarity.
Tonight, even that can't help me.
It's as if I'm standing on the brink of a crossroads in my life, and I have no idea which way to turn. Squall once told me this was how he felt when I left for the Sorceress Memorial. Now, I can finally understand what he was going through.
I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend what's been going through his mind today, though. He was welcomed back with open arms. Practically everybody at Garden wanted to speak to him, and I could only watch the pained expression on his face grow as he struggled to remember the faces that were before him. At one point, his frustration boiled over, and he screamed at everybody to go away before he promptly punched a hole clean into the plaster on the walls. I know how rarely Squall loses his temper, and it honestly worried me. He was obviously trying so hard to remember anything about this place and these people, and he was obviously failing miserably. Which only made me wonder all the more…why could he remember me?
I had always believed that he only really remembered me because he had seen me. I thought the fact that he struggled to remember Quistis was just a one-off, and that if he came to Garden, his memory would return. Maybe it will, maybe all it will take is time.
I certainly hope so. If Squall can't stay at Garden, what will he do? Where will he go? Garden has been his life since he was very young, he's known very little else.
Then again, what will I do with my life now? I doubt they'll have me back at the newspaper now. I was supposed to report in today with my story from Winhill. It's no big loss really, I've never been happy doing that job. There was only one job I was ever happy with, and that was working here. Sure, being the Headmaster's assistant doesn't sound like the most glamorous of jobs, and it certainly came with a lot of paperwork, but it did have it's perks. My boss was definitely one of those perks.
"You alright?" a familiar voice whispered from behind me.
"Selphie?" I must have been so deep in thought that I hadn't heard her arrive. I had thought that coming here, to the secret area in the training centre would have meant that I could have avoided company. I was wrong.
"Rin, you've been crying." In truth, I hadn't noticed, but wiping my hand across my cheek, I saw that she was telling the truth. I had been crying. Maybe it was all of the reminiscing about Squall and the way things used to be. It's foolish of me to dwell on the past, I know, but sometimes I feel like the past is all I have.
"It's nothing, Selphie, really." I tried to laugh the whole thing off, but I knew it was futile.
"I guess this must be hard on you too, huh?" The tone of her voice shocked me. It was so…subdued, so desolate. It was the voice of somebody who had lost everything.
"I'm so sorry." I had to get it off my chest. This meeting was the one I was most worried about. I could honestly understand it if she never forgave me, I just had to tell her how I felt.
"What have you got to be sorry for, Rin?"
"For leaving without saying a word, for never getting back in contact…for everything really." It really did feel better getting that off my chest, almost as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
"I can't say I wasn't mad at first, but, I guess I understand why you did it. I've just been worried about you, Rin, that's all. No word for four whole years, I thought you'd disappeared off the face of the planet."
"Believe me, there were times when I wanted to," I admitted.
"He doesn't remember any of us, does he?" Her question shocked me. Selphie had never been one for bluntness before now. I decided that, seen as she was being honest, I had better tell the truth too.
"No…no, he doesn't."
"Quistis said something about his memory being screwed up, but I didn't want to believe it. I guess I thought we could all be together again, you know. All of the Orphanage Gang would be here, and things could back to the way they used to be. Things have changed since you left, you know? Everything's changed."
"Selphie?"
"You and Squall were gone, Rin. The four of us couldn't hold ourselves together. Quistis spends day and night locked in her office, pouring over her paperwork. Zell's been out on missions ever since you left, looking for any trace of Squall…and Irvine…well…he left." It was then that I understood why she seemed different. Gone was the happy-go-lucky, ever cheerful friend that I had left, and in its place was the morose, broken shell of a woman who stood before me now. It was almost as if I was looking into a mirror.
"What happened," I asked tentatively, sensing that she wanted to talk.
"He changed so much. He…he would go out drinking, and some nights, he just wouldn't come home." She began to cry, and instinctively, I reached out and touched her shoulder, wanting to offer her what little comfort I could. I wasn't there for her when she really needed me, I was damn well going to be there for her now. "He asked for a transfer to Galbadia, and they accepted. I found a note in my room that night, saying goodbye." It was as she said those words that she broke down into floods of tears.
"He told you on a note?" It probably wasn't the best thing that I could have said, but it just slipped out. If she wasn't so emotional about it, I'm not sure I'd even believe her. It just didn't sound like something Irvine would do. It was so cowardly that at that moment, I just wanted to hit him. Not very mature, or very helpful, I'm sure, but seeing Selphie this upset made me so angry with him. I sincerely hoped that she hadn't been upset at my leaving. I don't think I could deal with that.
"Yes, on a note left on my pillow. That was how much I meant to him."
"I'm sure that's not the truth, Selphie. You two were so happy together, you meant the world to each other."
"He meant the world to me, yes. At the time, I thought he felt the same way about me. I guess I was wrong."
"Selphie." I was just about to try and comfort her, to tell her that there must be some other explanation for his behaviour, when we were interrupted by a young couple entering the secret area behind us. When they saw Selphie, they quickly turned around, and tried to leave quietly, hoping they could escape the notice of a high-ranking SeeD. She did notice them, but did nothing.
"I guess I'd better go before anybody else catches me breaking curfew. I wouldn't want to set a bad example to the students." She wanted to be alone, and I wasn't going to stop her. We all needed time to sort this mess out. I decided to follow her lead, and return to my room.
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I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.
I strained to repeat those words over and over inside my head, hoping to keep the darkness at bay.
I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.
It's no use. I'm only lying to myself.
I am alone.
What else am I supposed to think? Lying here in the dark, in this place, I can't help but feel this way.
It's so cold.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. This feels so…so wrong.
Everything here is the same as it was four years ago. The bed, the walls, the furnishings…everything is the same. It was just so familiar, and all of my old memories, ones that I had tried to consign to the furthest reaches of my mind, came flooding back with a vengeance.
I used to live here.
But one crucial detail is very, very different.
I'm all alone.
There are no strong arms around me now, pulling me close, no deep, rhythmic breathing from the pillow next to mine, no feeling of warmth that comes from being so close to someone you love.
He's not here anymore.
This was the hardest thing to deal with, the loneliness. I can't bear it.
He's not here…and he never will be again.
I can still remember the first night we spent together, as clear in my mind as if it had happened yesterday. I couldn't help but replay every moment through my mind.
That day, a potential client had taken an objection to the fact that I was in Garden. He told me how no sorceress should be allowed to live, that their powers were inherently evil. I know I should just have ignored it, but I couldn't. I hadn't been in Garden long, and I was insecure about what others felt towards me, especially towards the powers that I possessed. I got upset, and retreated to my room to cry my heart out-immature I know, but at the time, I didn't know what else to do.
It was well after curfew when I heard a soft knocking on my door. I had expected Selphie or Zell to have come to check on me, but instead, it was Squall's voice that called out to me.
"Rin. Can I come in?" he whispered softly. I undid the latch on my door and allowed him to enter the room. I tried to hide my face, hoping that he wouldn't notice me crying. I was out of luck. "I'm sorry I let him anyway near you, Rin." I could hardly believe that this was happening. "Look, Rin. Even if some incredibly stupid people might think that way, you have your friends. I could never think about you in that way. You're everything to me." That only made me cry even more, but instead of tears of sadness, they were tears of joy. I can remember clearly what I said next, but I still can't explain why I said it. I was sure that he would run a mile if I even suggested it, but I went right ahead and opened my big mouth anyway.
"Squall. Can I ask you a favour? Please, don't leave me alone tonight." To my surprise, he just smiled and held me close to him. We spent the whole night together like that, my head resting against his chest, his arms wound tightly around me. I slept more soundly that night, than on any previous night. It just felt so…so…right.
And now, that's all over. My nights are spent cold and alone, with nobody beside me, and no company other than my nightmares.
Part of me didn't want to resign myself to this. This was the part of me that's been screaming to be let out ever since I saw him in Winhill, the part that wants to fight for what we once had. The other part of my mind is telling me to just cut my losses and run. This is my sensible side, the one that recognises the fact that I've been hurt enough to last a lifetime, and that I don't need to risk getting hurt ever again.
I honestly don't know which side of me is going to win this battle, I only know that there's going to be a lot of heartache along the way.
I was interrupted from my thoughts by a light tapping on the door. Glancing across at my clock, I saw the time and winced. 4:15.
"Selph?" I asked.
"Rin, it's…it's me. Do you mind if I come in?"
Was I dreaming?
A/N: I'm having problems getting italics to upload, so you may have use your imagination in places. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.