Memory Makes the Man

by Orlandoinabedsheet

Remus has brought Sirius back from beyond the veil despite warnings that things might go wrong, and unfortunately they did, now can he fix it? Slash and Spoiler warnings.

3. Pains and Failures A new begining

I nod as the scenery around us changes, not moving an inch. We're inside the shack now, in the downstairs bedroom. The bed here is pushed into the corner, and two shapes are huddled on it. As the image comes into focus it's clear that it's my young self petting Padfoot. And as I watch this tender display it occurs to me for the first time that I am about to watch the wolf with human eyes, something I've never dared dream of before. Suddenly this isn't about restoring the memory of moon times together, but rather it's about understanding Moony. At least for me.

Suddenly my voice sounds from the corner, small and strained, "Please Siri, give me a little space until it's finished. I don't want to hurt you. Even as an accident."

Padfoot gives a soft whine but moves away. I feel Sirius tense at my side and I too feel the tension in the very air around us. The transformation is truly an awful sight to behold, it's no wonder Sirius woke in panic from a dream of it the next night.

When it's over the wolf stares Padfoot down and by instinct he lowers his head, but not his eyes. Suddenly the wolf gives a happy yip and thoroughly licks Padfoot before nuzzling his neck in a gesture I recognize from my own behavior.

The wolf makes a slow inspection of Padfoot, sizing him up. Though Padfoot shows none of the signs of submission such a meeting usually entails the wolf obviously approves of him. Far more obviously than I'd remembered.

"Perhaps we should leave them to this bit alone," Sirius says in my ear in a tone that suggests he knows what seeing this memory, this way, means to me. He leads me out of the room and after a moment's conscious effort I move the memory forward to the moment when Padfoot and the wolf emerge and make their way out of the shack.

We follow them out and for a moment we both just stare at Prongs. Then as he and Wormtail tentatively join the canines in play we both relax and take in what we mean to see. After a while I've seen enough to understand what Sirius always knew, that the wolf is not always a monster, he has a heart and a personality all his own though he is a part of me. And Sirius did, does, love him just as I love Padfoot.

"Seen enough?" Sirius asks me quietly when I let my shoulders slump.

He's still holding me and I'm so glad to be in his arms again that I almost answer no, but instead I nod and things go black around us, not the blackness of the space between memories, but rather of unlit nighttime. Gradually sounds started to come from the bed in front of us, sounds of someone tossing and turning. Then Sirius' voice rings out positively terrified, "No, Rem, No."

There's a soft sob and then my own voice telling him, "It's alright Siri, you were dreaming."

"Oh Rem, I was so scared!" Sirius is obviously still crying.

"I know Siri, but it's all over now. Everything is okay, I promise," My voice is steady, holding in the hurt very well.

"You never really understood did you?" Sirius asks me curiously.

"I never understood what?" I return just as quizzically.

"That I was scared for you, not of you when I had those dreams. I've never been scared of you. Well not because of the wolf anyway. I have this hazy memory of being terrified that you were mad at me but why I just can't recall."

"But you always sounded so scared when you called out..." I remind him, unable to believe that I'd felt hurt by something Sirius hadn't even thought.

"I was terrified. I thought that I was going to lose you. I thought that there was no way you could go through that every month without it eventually killing you."

My voice shakes a bit as I respond, "But I thought..."

"You were wrong," His tone is one I know well, it means he will accept no arguments, no matter how much I might doubt him.

Gratefully accepting his continued embrace I ask quietly, "Is there something you know you need to see, because if not I need a moment."

"Let's take a moment," He tells me, sounding like he can use it as well.

"Then next thing I have to show you isn't good Siri," I warn him. "To tell you the truth I don't want to remember it. I'd never think on it again if I could just leave it by the wayside. I truly considered just not showing it to you. But it's part of my past... part of our past and there are others who won't let us forget it."

"Life is the bad as well as the good Rem," Sirius says softly in my ear.

"This isn't about life Siri, this is about you..." I say this so softly I don't think he hears me at first.

"I don't imagine I've been a saint," He tells me honestly.

"You're a wonderful person Siri, there have just been some... phenomenally stupid moments in our lives and this one was... mostly your fault," I explain as carefully as I can.

"Only mostly? Somehow I'm surprised," He says with such mischief in his voice I can hear his smile.

The scene is our dorm, the door and windows are sealed and locked. The four of us are sitting on the floor in the open space between James and Peter's beds. Sirius and I are a jumble of limbs as always. "We've got to do something about Snape. He's getting too close to the truth," I sound so worried. If I'd only known.

"Let's give him what he wants," Sirius says simply.

"What?!"

"Padfoot you git!"

"No, Siri we will not!" Peter, James, and I speak over each other.

"Calm down, I don't mean to tell him the truth. I mean we give him a story he'll believe. One that will be just so fantastic he'll assume it must be the truth," Sirius' eyes glint as though he's just discovered the secret of life.

"That's absolutely brilliant Love," My younger self says smiling.

"But what on earth would fit that description?" James asks skeptically.

"We'll tell him what he suspects, that Remus is running messages for the order," Peter chimes in.

"Perfect Pete," Sirius says happily. "It can't come too easily or he won't believe it. I'll have to let him pick a fight, get mad, and let it slip..."

The memory fades around us. "What went wrong?" Sirius asks still holding me.

Rather then telling him I show him. It's the afternoon of the "prank" and we're in potions. The name, recipe, and expected results of the potion, a truth serum, are on the blackboard. We're finished and Sirius drinks a vial of it. He answers every question put to him truthfully. I skip over the part were we go upstairs and stay in bed until moonrise. I bring us to the hall outside the hospital wing.

"I'll be along as soon as Poppy starts back Love," Sirius whispers before one last kiss.

Because it's my memory we're forced to follow me out to the shack. After a few minutes Padfoot comes in, licks me, and lies against the door. Slightly delirious I ask him, "What's wrong?"

Padfoot whines but Sirius doesn't change back. After moonrise the wolf shows Padfoot his normal affection for a while before there's a commotion from the willow. Though he doesn't go so far as hurting Padfoot, the wolf fights to get out of the room. In the midst of the struggle the door swings open and Padfoot attempts more urgently to control the situation. It's not meant to be, for the moment at least and the Wolf glimpses the human it's after only seconds before it, he rather, is pulled from harms way. The wolf chases after the human but finds its path blocked by the tree. Padfoot moves in and sooths him.

Neither of us speaks as the scene changes to the next morning in the hospital wing. Young Sirius is unabashedly clinging to young Remus, near tears. Dumbledore is sitting next to the bed looking grave. "It's all my fault. I let him get to me. I let him make me mad. I completely forgot the truth serum... I can't believe what almost happened. Rem, I'm so sorry. If you... if he... I can't even think it. Thank goodness James got there in time..."

"You were under a truth serum Siri, you couldn't help it," Young Remus murmurs into his hair, holding him close.

"I could have walked away, I should have walked away," Sirius says with difficulty.

"Mr. Snape has been sworn to secrecy, and for my part I see it as an unfortunate collection of circumstances Sirius. Take heart that you're both fine and you're together. Learn from this incident," Dumbledore says calmingly before getting up and leaving.

Sirius lets me go and turns me around to face him. "This wasn't mostly my fault Rem, this was all my fault," This declaration is laced with anguish.

I correct him softly but determinedly, "No Siri, we all knew the plan. We all agreed it was the thing to do. We all forgot about the potion. I never blamed you. James ranted about your stupidity for about twenty minutes. You've beaten yourself up over it for what seems like forever."

"If you'd bit him Rem you'd hate yourself, you'd hate me, and the ministry would have used it as an excuse to... kill you," He cries as he speaks, lowering his eyes.

I lift his chin gently, making him look me in the eye, "When it was happening what did you see?"

"I saw Moony fighting to get out. To get a taste of human flesh. To kill. To do every last thing that always scared you about the wolf," He sounds like a kicked puppy.

"I saw Padfoot using love, affection, and when he absolutely had to force, to keep the wolf from doing any of that. I saw you loving me enough no matter what to risk serious injury to protect me from something that would have happened eventually anyway the way Severus was sniffing around. I saw all the reasons I've never wanted to live without you in my life," I watch the understanding in his eyes as my words penetrate his remembered and renewed grief.

It's the second week of July between sixth and seventh year and I'm sitting on my bed reading a book when my mum calls up the stairs, "Remus, floo call for you it's your bo- it's Sirius!"

"I'll be right down!" I yell back, running a hand through my hair before dashing down the stairs.

"Siri?" I'm surprised to find him bleeding slightly from a cut lip and looking near tears as I reach the bottom of the stairs and catch sight of him in the fireplace. "Siri, oh what's happened love?"

Mother leaves but I don't notice, I'm too focused on Sirius. "I had a fight with Mum. I'm at the neighbor's right now, can I come over?"

"Of course you can Siri," I tell him almost breathlessly. He steps back from the fire a moment and emerges in our living room looking for all the world like an abandoned puppy. I gather him into my arms glad to find my mum gone and pull him to the sofa. We sit down and without losing my grip on him at all I raise his eyes to meet mine and ask simply "What happened?"

"I made a mistake…"He says it with just a hint of anger in his voice.

"What mistake?" When he's upset you just have to keep pressing to get him to talk.

"I told Regulus about James' crush on Evans…" He says it as if he thinks I'll be mad at him.

"And how was that a mistake Siri? Half the school knows James is head over heels for Lily, and all the prefects know she's about to cave into his charms, anyone could have told him the same," I tell him stroking his hair and feeling just the slightest bit annoyed that his father insisted he cut it back to his shoulders when he returned home for the summer.

"Yes but the fact that I mentioned it reminded him that James is one of my best friends and Lily is muggleborn. He ran straight to Mum, who came down and started yelling about my being friends with a 'muggle lover' and that no respectable girl would go near me if they knew I had friends like that."

"And?" I ask when it's clear no more information is forth coming.

"I told her that anyone worth having would never give a damn that James was in love with Lily, or that Lily was Muggle born, or that cousin Andromeda married a muggle. And when she scoffed at me I told her you were the only person worth having for me and she hit me, the stone of her ring split my lip. She told me that I was to stop seeing you and James and Andromeda immediately. She said I was enough of a disappointment because I was a Gryffindor. She asked if I really thought I had to make it worse by being a sick little muggle loving blood traitor as well. She told me if I didn't shape up immediately she'd disown me. I thought it over for about a quarter of a second and told her to go right ahead, that I belonged with my real family anyway and she'd never take me from you lot. Father tried to 'talk some sense' into me, but when mother started shrieking at him to just let me go he backed away."

"Regulus sat there and laughed the whole time," Sirius tells me. "I wanted to hit Mum so badly, but I knew it wouldn't do any good."

"And I was secretly a little glad it had happened. I didn't want you hurt like that, don't get me wrong, but I wanted you out of that situation," I explain watching the young Sirius cry against my shoulder.

"I didn't stay with you, what happened?" Sirius asks me watching us as well.

I let the memory play out for a moment longer before bringing us to later that night when Sirius was done crying. Slowly we got up and made our way into the dinning room. Mum, Dad and Aeneas were waiting for us. Upon seeing that there is a place set for Sirius we sit down without preamble. "So what happened?" Aeneas asks carelessly.

"Aeneas, behave," Mother hisses across the table. "Is everything all right now Sirius?"

"That depends on your definition of things being wrong Mrs. Lupin. I've finally had my last fight with my mum but it's left me in a bit of a bind as to where to live. I have money apart from my parents, but no one is going to rent to a sixteen year old," He says conversationally, not sounding the least bit like someone who just spent several hours crying.

"About that Mum…" I start to say but she cuts me off.

"I'm sorry Remus but I just can't say yes to that. I know you boys are serious about each other, and I don't disapprove of your… relationship but I was raised to believe in certain things and one of them is that, no matter who you happen to be involved with, that until you are an adult it's improper to live with them," Mum explains carefully.

I begin to speak but Sirius holds up a hand, "As much as I'd love to stay with you, always, Rem, I understand what your mum means. I'll find some place to stay for the summer, and then next year when we're of age I'll get my own place."

"I was just going to ask Mum to let you stay tonight, it's too late now to go searching," I tell him softly. "Just tonight Mum? I promise Sirius will stay in the guest room and I'll stay in my own."

"Of course Sirius can stay tonight," Mother says soothingly.

"In the morning we went to see James. I told him and his parents what had happened. Mrs. Potter asked me to stay with them. I did, until we went back to school in September," Sirius says smiling a bit at the memory. "I was so much more at home there than I'd ever been with my parents." We sit in silence for a short while, letting the things that have come back to him already coalesce into a fairly continuous stream of memories.

When Sirius takes my hand again I take it as a sign that he's ready to move on. Once again we're in the dorm room, the sounds of teenagers asleep filling the room. I smile at the sight of the room. It's clean for once. James has only mostly closed his curtains and is asleep in his clothes. Peter's curtains are shut as though his life depends on it. My own bed curtains are flung wide and Sirius, who is secretly fairly domestic, has laid out our clothes for the day on it. I move to Sirius' bed, leading him with me. In the bed our younger selves are awake, talking softly and snogging intermittently.

"I know one thing I won't miss," Young Sirius murmurs as my younger self attacks his neck.

"What's that Siri?" I return, genuinely interested.

"The bloody silencing charms every time we want to so much as cuddle," He explains grudgingly.

I chuckle before responding, "Well, the thing I'll be glad to leave behind is these narrow beds. Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle up nice and close at night but the rest of the time it's just annoying."

It's his turn to chuckle, "I don't know, it seems to me it was very good exercise."

"I do have some very fond memories of those beds," Sirius whispers in my ear wrapping his arms around me again.

I chuckle just as James wakes up behind us and calls, "Oi Lovebirds, you awake?"

"Yes James you annoying creature we are awake, but we aren't dressed so whatever business you have go on and say it or it'll have to wait," Young Sirius calls out sounding ready to hit James.

"Fine, it'll keep till you join me at breakfast," James retreats down the stairs.

"I won't miss James pulling us out of bed either," My younger self complains.

"It'll be the last time Love. Come on, we'll get dressed, put on our brave faces and do all the things expected of Graduating students, and then tonight we'll pick up the bike at King's cross and go home. I'll make dinner while you fix my horrid attempt at setting up our bedroom, and before you know it we'll be settled," Young Sirius says invitingly.

"You've been to the house without me?" My younger self asks unhappily.

"Someone had to make sure the bed was set up, and besides I wanted to stop imposing on James' folks as quickly as possible. It's not like I spent much time there, just a couple hours," He tries to justify.

"I wanted to see it with you for the first time," I explain.

"I'm sorry Rem, I didn't know."

The scene fades around us, "You really didn't suspect a thing did you Rem, even when I slipped up?"

"No, you surprised me totally. In the end I forgot entirely that I'd wanted you to wait for me to see it," I admit as the scene of the great hall comes up around us.

The house tables have been removed and replaced with neat even rows of seats. The first five rows are empty as the seventh years file in, obediently arranged in alphabetically order. Parents fill the other rows, and surprisingly to me I spot Mr. Black and Regulus in the back row. So does Sirius, "Tried to talk me into not disgracing the family name..."

"You never told me they came," I tell him as we pass my own parents, who hadn't yet been told I wasn't returning home with them this night.

"It didn't seem all that important to me, it was the same old nonsense. 'You're the eldest son, you have to continue the family line. No one says you have to love the girl, just marry her. Despite your mother's blathering no one would say a word about your choice of... companion, if you just took a wife first.' I didn't even speak to them. I just turned around and made my way over to where you were talking to your parents," Sirius explains with a shrug.

We listen as Dumbledore calls out names, houses, and NEWTS earned. We listen through all the names, though I can tell he remembers this. The part I brought us to watch is after anyways. As the students break up from their carefully ordered seats James, Lily, Peter and I collect our families and come together in a corner, now I see what I didn't then, Sirius' father speaking to him and Sirius coming over to me and without batting so much as an eyelash at my parents and brother slipping his arms around my waist. They knew we were together but before that moment they hadn't seen us touch since we told them. James is smiling, "Mum, Dad you know Lily and my friends."

"Nice to see you all again," James' mother says politely.

"I know what Lily is planning, so what do you boys have planned for the future?" Mr. Potter asks curiously.

"Well I've got a job in the experimental charms department in the ministry," Peter tells him, earning a proud smile from his parents.

"And you Sirius?" Mrs. Potter pushes, "You've been keeping it so hush-hush it must be something quiet intriguing."

"It is," Sirius answers smiling brightly. "A publisher picked up my first book and asked me to write a second, but I don't plan to start that until the fall."

"And why are you waiting until the fall?" My mother asks in her most polite tone.

"I don't want Remus to be lonely as I spend hours at a time writing, so I'm waiting until he goes to work," Sirius answers honestly.

"Are you two sharing a flat then?" Peter's mother asks genuinely interested.

"We bought a little house together actually..." I try to meet my father's eyes as I say it, but it's easier to look at Mum.

"Excuse me?" My father says though he heard me.

"We bought a small house near the coast in Somerset, sir," Sirius says diplomatically.

"And when are you moving Remus?" My mother asks. The other parents have fallen silent, clearly aware that this was something sensitive, that they perhaps shouldn't be witnessing it.

"We're planning on starting to settle in at the house tonight," I tell them slipping my fingers between Sirius' where they rest on my waist.

"Were you planning on telling us at all?" My mother asks quietly.

"Yes Mother, but I didn't think it was something to say in a letter and we only decided for sure last Christmas," I wished so badly that she'd smile, or cry, or tell me how thoughtless I was. Anything but the uncomprehending stare she leveled at me.

"You've known since Christmas, and you didn't say anything?" My father seems as shocked as my mother looks.

"As I said, it didn't seem the type of news you send home in a letter. It seemed to me that 'next time I come home it will be to visit' comes off cold and hurtful in a letter. I'm not leaving because things are bad at home, or because I don't love you. I love you all, it's just that, well I love Sirius too, so very much and we want to be together, and isn't that what everyone wants when they have the love of their life, and I want you to accept that this is what will make me happy. I'll visit all the time, I promise, and everything will be good, you'll see," I say this almost desperately.

My mother pulls me bodily aside, practically tearing me from Sirius' arms. She whispers quietly but urgently, "Remus, you told me you didn't want to be kept, that you didn't want someone responsible for you that way, what's changed?"

I look at her as though she's slapped me, "Nothing has changed." I don't bother to whisper, "I am not being kept mother, not by Sirius, or anyone else for that matter. It just so happens that with the war on and all Dumbledore needs someone to teach those students that are at higher risk some advance defense and he's asked me to do. If anyone was going to be kept it'd be my wonderful, beautiful, all too sweet starving artist over there, and one little hitch there, his uncle left him enough money that he doesn't need me to take care of him." Neither Sirius seems to hear the slight hint of bitterness in that, but perhaps it's best that way.

"Rem, calm down, she's just worried you've jumped into something you don't really want," Sirius says as he returns to holding me. "It's what a good Mum does."

"Well um, shall we be off then?" Mrs. Potter asks hesitantly.

"I think we're going with them Mum, please come with us," I say, begging with eyes, though not tone of voice, that she understands that this is what I want, desperately.

"Come on Grace, these are the boys' friends, let's join them," My father says reaching for her hand.

"Yes, of course," Mother says following the Potters alongside Dad, "Aeneas come along."

Aeneas does follow, but he drops behind a bit to walk beside Sirius and me, "You know Remy I always thought this was just a phase."

"And I always told you it wasn't Aeneas. Why do you care?" I ask warily, Aeneas was four years older than I was and thought that the world had to answer to him for anything that didn't go his way.

"I don't really, it's just Mum's always whining about how I'm not serious about Celina, and telling me about how you found somebody and that was it, and at the rate I'm going she'll never have any grandchildren and such," Aeneas gripes softly.

"I'm sorry that mum doesn't enjoy your self proclaimed convenient shag lounging about the house but Siri and I have nothing to do with that," I say in a slightly clipped tone.

"Don't get on edge now. I am glad you two have decided to shack up. Maybe now she'll lay off me to be like you. It was hard you know, having a little brother who was always so damned adult about everything," Aeneas says as though it was his life that was hell.

"I don't want to fight Aeneas. We're going to catch up to Mum and Dad," I pull Sirius with me, but he won't just leave it be.

"I am sorry your life has been so bloody hard Aeneas, I just never knew," He says scathingly before we catch up to Lily and James who are just behind the collected group of parents. "So Lily, what are your plans? I don't believe you bothered to enlighten us."

"I didn't think you lot would notice, most of the time when I see you I'm shocked you manage to disentangle a hand each to wave," Lily replies with a smile. Mr. Evans casts us a very disapproving look but I forgive him, he's a muggle after all.

Dinner passes pleasantly enough, with James doing what he does best, what we've come to see, playing the diplomat. He smoothes over awkward moments, bridges uncomfortable silences, and reminds the older generation ever so gently that the five of us had forged an extended family. He also makes it clear that while the choice is not accept it or loose your child, it is accept it or get used to it. I can hear Sirius' smile as the darkness falls around us, "James was good at making us all get along... I remember there was a particular Christmas at our house, we invited every member of the family, in both senses of the word that we could stand. Andromeda and Aeneas got into a fight over something just idiotic and James stepped in and cleared it up in a flash. And a while later, in a private conversation your Dad made some pointed inquires as to whether I had a 'real' job yet and James popped over and changed the subject before we got into a fight about my writing being a real job."

"You never told me Dad gave you trouble about your lack of conspicuous employment," I tell him, a bit surprised.

"He was just looking out for you, didn't quite know how to treat me I think. Wasn't sure if I should be taking care of you or if you should be taking care of me, or what have you," I feel him shrug behind me.

"I always thought we did a rather good job of taking care of each other. But Dad was the type to try and act the 'right' way without being sure what that was," I tell him nodding.

"I seem to remember we were quite happy there, especially that first few months. James never knew how true his honeymoon jokes were," His voice contains a longing I know so well from my own heart and mind.

"Speaking of Honeymoons, do you remember James and Lily's wedding?" What makes me ruin the moment and push on in our task I simply don't know.

"Everything but the ceremony itself," He seems to be glad to soldier on. Something about my body language must give me away as he loosens his grip on me just a bit and whispers in my ear, "The sooner we find our way through the past the sooner we can have the present back."

I relax against him knowing he's right, and let the image of James and Lily's wedding appears around us. James, Sirius, and I are standing on the right hand side in front of the Anglican priest Lily's parents hired while Anna and Marlene stand on his left. All our eyes, and the eyes of all assembled are on the door at the back of the hall where Lily and her father are about to start their walk down the aisle. We watch the muggle ceremony in silence and then Sirius speaks to me again. "I was so very happy for James and Lily, I couldn't have wanted anything for them more, but in a way I was jealous. I wanted to have that for us, that declaration that we were together and we were in love and nothing was going to keep us from being together. But I was trying so hard to bury those feelings, to save them for some other time so that I could just be happy for them. I wanted to be a good best man, and for that I thought that I had to be one hundred percent happy for them with no thought to what it meant for us... I felt like I was being selfish and childish."

"You were always one to see things in such a strange manner, as if it was your responsibility to hold up the whole world. I know what you mean though, I felt that same resentment that wasn't at James and Lily really, but at the time it felt like it was. But they were so happy... and I think Lily knew how it stung us. I mean, well watch what she said to me."

It's the reception, and on a giggled request James is dancing with five year old Nymphadora, leaving the bride to her own devices. She comes over to me as Sirius is in the bathroom and asks me to dance. "And none of that two left feet nonsense Remus, I've seen you dance. True it was with Sirius and the two of you could probably fly when you're together but still."

"I give up fair lady, I shall dance with you. Though you didn't have to make a scene of it," I tell her as I take her hand.

"I didn't want you to feel left out of the scene making. I know how much this would mean for you and Sirius, and well making a bit of a scene is the least I can do," Lily explains as she leads me out onto the dance floor, where James has given up on his feet not being stepped on.

"No need to worry over us Lily, we're happy for you. You deserve better than James, but then I'm taken," I'd forgotten this attempt at humor...

"That is too bad you know. I knew there had to be something wrong about you when we first really met and talked when we were fifteen," She gives this remark very casually, as if what she's talking about is a bad habit, like gambling or drinking.

"Is that so?" I asked it warily, sure she was in reference to my condition, Lily had never been anything but understanding, but she'd also never spoken like that to me either.

"Oh, most definitely. You were handsome and intelligent, and not a right idiot like your friends, I should have known you were gay from the start," She says it good naturedly.

My younger self relaxes, "Especially as I was already shagging one of the 'idiots' at that point."

"My goodness, I never knew you two had been together that long. I always assumed it was after... well you know," Lily says it as if she's brought up something she isn't supposed to know about.

"It'll be six years this November," Sirius comments as he saunters over, "No worries Lily, I don't plan to cut in, I'm just following my over zealous dance partner. How do you calm little Zora down?"

"How should I know, I'm only her cousin, how do you calm Nymphadora down?" Lily retorts, knowing the answer full well.

"I don't, as Ted is fond of reminding anyone who'll listen I rile her up and send her back to her parents," Sirius says as Zora runs back to him.

"You're supposed to dance with me!" She cries indignantly.

"Yes Zora, I'm coming. Duty calls," With that he picks the little girl up and they start dancing.

"Well Lily, is it all you dreamed?" I ask looking around us at the hall.

"That and more. To see everyone so happy all together after we've all been confined to the gloominess of an on going war and to know it's my wedding that's brought those smiles is more than I could ask for really. And besides, the whole family is together again, that hasn't happened since Christmas, and we used to meet every other weekend," She looks toward the table where her parents and James' are sitting, mine are dancing nearby.

"I'm sorry we've missed a few," I really do regret the missed meals though it was always partly my fault.

"It's alright, I know it can be hard to find the time and energy to get eleven people under one roof, and seeing as you guys own a house and we only have a flat you get the hosting duties more often then you should. I just miss it is all," Lily is genuinely saddened by the drift in our once tight knit family.

"Then we will have to revive it, the second week in August we'll all get together, and to pay us back for forcing us to use the house you can come early and help Sirius cook," I say it as much out of true desire to revive the tradition as to make her smile.

"Promise he won't bite me for being in his kitchen?"

"I guarantee it."

Sirius finally speaks, "Lily really did care about us as more than 'James' friends.' And I loved kids so much..."

"I like to think so about Lily, yes," I agree as I continue to watch myself dance with her. She'd been a better person than all of us and suddenly it occurred to me how unfair that it was always James we spoke of, always James Harry wanted to be, wanted to understand. "As for the kids, it wasn't surprising really..."

"I remember you once told me 'you can't have all your dreams, not unless you plan to hurt someone very badly in the process.' I remember thinking you must be upset with me, but I can't remember what I said to hurt you. Or what happened after, just that it had to do with kids," Sirius says it quietly, as if afraid to open a wound that may not be healed.

I chuckle, "I'll show you Siri."

It was just before Christmas 1979, and Sirius and I were curled together in front of a roaring fire on James and Lily's sofa. They'd just told us Lily was pregnant before James had gone to make tea and gotten lost in his own kitchen. "It was always a dream of mine when I was really young you know," Sirius murmurs against my hair.

"What was Love?" I ask him, still reeling from James and Lily's news.

"To have a kid, to raise them right, love them like a kid deserves," Sirius says it with such longing.

"Unfortunately Love you can't have all your dreams, not unless you plan to hurt someone very badly in the process," I say it with good humor, but I have always wondered if Sirius had wanted a... normal life.

"Oh, I couldn't do it, don't get me wrong love, I could never have played for the other team, even before I fell for you. I suppose I'll just have to content myself with being a bad influence on the new bit of venison," Sirius says this completely without regret.

"Who knows, perhaps the herd will increase even more given time and the venison will appreciate a bit of canine interference..." I pull him just the slightest bit closer, "Besides, I don't think we'd be too keen on a little one actually living with us, we'd have to behave ourselves every where but the bedroom."

"Sharp thinking Love, I'd hate to give up that," He kisses my neck just as James and Lily come back in.

"So which of you boys is going to be the baby's godfather?" Lily asks handing us mugs of tea.

"I think that's a job for Siri," I tell her, not giving it half a thought.

"And why would that be?" James asks, sounding as if it's a dangerous thing that I'm advocating giving the job to Sirius.

"He's just confessed to me that though he has neither the freedom or desire to do what it would entail he used to want to raise a child," I inform him chuckling at the look of utter surprise on James' face. "Besides it's not as if he'd be raising the little fawn all on his own. I'm not going anywhere."

"You better not be," Sirius says with just the slightest possessive squeeze. "Who's going to be the godmother Lils?"

"I think I'm going to ask Anna, but if she doesn't want to do it, she's terrified of children, I'll ask Marlene," Lily says pleasantly as James just looks on.

"Alright Jamie, out with it," Sirius says sounding just a touch annoyed.

"After your childhood you want to raise a kid?" James asks disbelievingly.

"I know what not to do," Sirius says evenly. "Besides I've been talked out of it by the love of my life here."

"Smart man," Lily says to me.

"Alright Love, I've seen enough," Sirius says smiling at the good memory.

I take us to July 31, 1980 in the waiting room at St. Mungo's. James is just coming to get us as we arrive in the memory. "Well?" Sirius asks, almost as if it's his child.

"He's fine, a healthy baby boy," James says, sounding as if it hasn't sunk in yet.

"That's great," Sirius says beaming. "Named him yet?"

"Lily says she likes Harry," James seems to wake up, "So do you two want to meet him, or have you sat about all night for the scenery?"

"If Lily is ready for us to come in," I don't want to intrude.

"Do you think I'd be out after you if she hadn't sent me?" James says good-naturedly.

We follow all three of them in and I watch myself discover that there is love at first sight, and while not the same as the fated love I cherish so much in any way it is almost as strong.

"I loved him so much from the very first time I laid eyes on him," Sirius tells me, watching himself hold Harry for the first time.

"You weren't the only one. I think we all did," I say this watching James just staring at his son.

"I remember baby sitting him. I remember we practically turned the guest bedroom into a nursery. I remember watching him throw peas at James when he was a year old. I- I remember holding him in my arms just after James and Lily died..." I can hear the tears welling up in his eyes as he says it.

"I know it can't help Siri, but it was a long time ago now. We did all we could and we failed," I only manage a whisper.

"We didn't fail, Peter sabotaged our efforts," The anger at Peter is back.

"And he will pay for it Siri, I swear he will," This I manage a bit louder.

"I'm the one who should be promising that. And I have been since that night, haven't I?" Though accurate in his remembrance he sounds unsure.

"Yes Siri, you've held onto that promise for almost fifteen years now but it's important that you remember precisely what lead us there," He doesn't speak so I turn to face him. "You have to see how we played into Peter's hands."

In his eyes there is an indescribable mix of hope and fear, "I don't know that I want to remember that."

"I know what you mean Siri but it has to be better to bring it back now rather than risking its unbidden appearance later," I entwine our fingers again knowing that eye contact and simple touch will be the most useful means of helping him through this.

It's a chill fall afternoon and we're sitting at the kitchen table in our house. We've just returned from an order meeting at which we received the first warning that there might be a traitor among us.

"I don't suspect you, I never could," Sirius offers unprompted.

"And I could never think it of you Siri. But maybe it's better, for our own protection as well as the order's, if we no longer share information about the war. They can't use our relationship against us that way," I offer reasonably.

Sirius considers this hesitantly for long moments before nodding, "As long as we don't keep personal secrets. We have to continue to be emotionally honest with each other."

"I promise not to hide my feelings Siri," My voice shakes with emotion.

Sirius gives my hand a gentle tug and I turn away from the scene before us to look him in the eye. "I never suspected you. The distance hurt me but I never loved you any less and I never believed you were the traitor," It's a prayer.

"And I never believed you could betray them, that you'd hurt me. There was never a time when I didn't believe in you and love you," I assure him.

"But before they took me away I was allowed visitors and you didn't come," He sounds as much the kicked puppy as he looks.

"I did come Siri," I whisper as the scene becomes that of the detention facility on the main land side of Azkaban crossing.

The building is one long hall with cells on both sides and two doors, one at each end. One leads to the free world, the other to the prison ferry. Just as I rush in the former they are leading Sirius out of the latter. We watch as I run to the quickly closing door with a shout of "Siri!"

A guard grabs me, holding me back from the door.

"I thought I'd imagined you calling my name," There are tears in his eyes.

As the first tear falls from his eye I wipe it away gently with my thumb but I let the memory speak for me.

"Don't make me hurt you. All I want is a chance to say goodbye, to say what I need to before he's gone," I growl at the guard, continuing to try to get to the door.

"Don't make me hex you sir. I'm sure he knows you hate him for what he's done," The guard seems to honestly believe this will make me feel better.

I stop fighting him and simply push him away, "That's just it you idiot, I want him to know that I believe he's innocent. I still love him. I always will."

"Just go home," the guard tells me, all traces of compassion gone.

"Why would you tell him that Rem?" There's so much concern in Sirius' voice that I almost miss the question.

"I had to tell someone, and he was the only one there," I hide the bitterness in my voice because it's not aimed at Sirius and he would think that it is.

"Before this had you every told me?" Everything but genuine curiosity has fled his voice.

"There really wasn't an occasion to tell you. We were so caught up in the present we tried not to dwell on the past," I feel so foolish for that now, and imminently grateful for the chance to change it.

"Show me the first time we saw each other after this," It's a bit surer than his other words of guidance and I do as he asks.

The moonlight filters through the branches that form the ceiling of the clearing, offering enough light to see, though it is certainly an easier task for canine eyes than it is for our own. The clearing is small, perhaps three meters across, and though the surrounding trees cover it the ground is clear of underbrush and bushes as well as trees. At the east end of the clearing there's a very large oak. In the curved hollow of it's base a large black dog is asleep. There's a rustling in the under brush on the south side of the clearing and the wolf enters, following a scent. He stops a short distance from Padfoot and gives a soft bark.

Padfoot lifts his head and seeing the wolf rolls on his back in a show of trust and submission. In a way very reminiscent of their first meeting the wolf sniffs Padfoot thoroughly before giving him a glad licking about the muzzle and face. They spend the night together, curling about each other in the hollow of the oak as sunrise creeps closer.

I awake hours later to storm grey eyes I've longed to see for the last fourteen years staring into mine. "Remus, I swear to you I didn't do it. Peter's alive. He's here," I can hear the panic edging into his voice.

"I know Siri. After you broke into the tower I put the pieces together and figured out why you're here…" It's said to sooth, and it seems to hit its mark. "Harry had the map, I had to take it from him because Snape found it on him. I've been watching for Peter ever since but he must not be moving much."

He looks at me thoughtfully for a moment before concern floods his features, "You haven't tried to convince anyone I'm innocent have you?"

"I don't want you caught, and any information I gave them would only help them find you. Until there's proof of your innocence I'll stick to looking out for Harry," I snuggle closer to him in response to a gust of cold wind.

"I don't want you involved in this until they believe my innocence, not even just to Harry," His tone leaves no room for argument.

"Harry needs to believe I'm objective," I assure quietly.

"They'll be missing you at the castle…" He sounds as though it breaks his heart.

"I suppose they will, would you like me to come visit you later?" I ask, very slowly detangling myself from where we're still curled together in a canine fashion.

"It's too dangerous… I'm sure we'll see each other again without a planned meeting," He assures me.

"But we didn't, not until the night we caught Peter," He tells me. "Where were you during the moons?"

The scene becomes that of my room in the castle. The wolf is looking out the window whimpering for the moment. Then, with what sounds like a sniffle he goes over to a leather jacket on the floor and curls up on it.

"Rem, how is it that he's so calm?" Sirius asks with fascination as he watches the wolf.

"Wolfsbane potion, it was developed is 1987. It doesn't suppress the wolf, but it does calm him, and eliminate his lust for human flesh," I explain as we both watch him drift off to sleep.

"There's always a price, what's the price of this?" Sirius watches, knowing that Padfoot's presence has much the same effect.

"It takes longer to recover from the transformation, days instead of hours," I admit it softly.

"Never again Rem," He promises me. After a moment the expression of determination melts as he whispers again, "And what was the price of bringing me back?"

"That I have only as long as you have, I'm bound to you now in death as well as in life Siri," I hope that he can understand that though they called this a price I never will, it's what I want.

"Such a maudlin way to reaffirm your love…" He says tenderly, "But I can't regret that you did it, not now that I'm sure 'in death' means more then us perishing together…"

I nod and decide we're ready to move on. "Do you remember telling Harry the truth?"

"Yes. And I remember us blaming Snape when you ran away with me to the house. It hasn't changed much…" He smiles at the memory.

I take us to an afternoon tea three weeks into that stay at our home. Sirius and I are sitting on the sofa while Dumbledore sits in the chair to our left. Sirius sits forward, "Why shouldn't we tell Harry about our relationship?"

"Because what the boy needs now is a stable parent figure. And because of the way he's been raised up to now he'd feel guilty about needing you, either of you, if he knew someone else needs you as well, and he'd shut himself off from you," Dumbledore explains reasonably.

I could feel myself start to growl at that even now, but it's Sirius that speaks, "That's ludicrous. It has to be explained carefully, yes. And we'd have to be sure to make it very clear that how we feel about each other has no bearing on how we feel about him, but it's not as if it's something terribly complex that he has to be a certain age to understand."

"If he's mature enough to understand he'll figure it out on his own," Dumbledore tries rather unreasonably.

"Harry couldn't figure out what the Mirror of Erised actually did, how on earth would he spot something as subtle as Love?" I ask Dumbledore, staring as though he's lost his last marble, which perhaps he finally has.

"If you tell him it could ruin the already fragile situation that is keeping him protected," Dumbledore says this as if the admission might destroy the world.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asks, the concern in his voice overpowering all else.

"The protection of Lily's sacrifice is the basis for the protections that keep Harry safe in the Dursley's home. If he knows about your relationship he will fight tooth and nail to get to the much better home situation you can offer and open himself up to untold dangers. He cannot permanently leave that house, and therefore he cannot be allowed to know there is an alternative," Dumbledore explains regretfully.

"We listened," Sirius says quietly. "We didn't tell him about us, about the house, about anything, did we?"

"No. We did as Dumbledore asked. And Harry lost you never knowing I love him just as much, or that it hurt me like nothing else could to lose you. It's hurt him worse than losing James and Lily in some ways," I explain trying not to be upset by it again.

"Did we at least have some good times with him first?" Sirius asks, genuinely distressed at his inability to remember.

"Not many, but yes. We didn't get to see Harry much, and we mostly only heard from him when something was wrong. And we did all spend last Christmas together," I wish there was more to show than a handful of days in two years. "But I'm getting ahead of myself a bit there."

I bring us to the cave above Hogsmeade where we stayed while the Triwizard tournament went on. "You're due to meet Harry soon, you better cast the glamour…" I remind him, not bothering to mask the pain at having to continue to hide.

"Remind me why we're trying to convince him I'm living like an animal again," Sirius asks as I charm the illusion of a wall between the comforts of home we've gathered in the large cavern and the small space he's about to show Harry.

"For the same reason he can't know I'm here Siri. We promised not to tempt him into leaving the safety of his… residence," I know I don't sound convincing but I can't make myself care.

We watch Sirius cast the glamour on himself, transform and leave. We watch me walk through the "wall" which is only solid if you don't know it's there. Sirius returns with the kids and they talk for awhile. The conversation is far from a pleasant one. Sirius returns, mumbling "finite incantium," before he smiles at me, "I'd missed him."

"Me too," I agree softly.

"It's good to see him, even under bad circumstances," Sirius says as he drops down beside me.

"I know what you mean," I stretch just a little.

"Sorry you didn't get to talk to him Rem," Sirius murmurs as the memories fades.

I turn to him and he smiles sadly, "We were desperate for time with him weren't we?"

"Yes we were."

I bring us to the day I returned to Number 12 Grimmauld Place to find us with guests for Christmas. It's early, long before Sirius usually wakes up, and as no one but us is actually staying in the house I expect to find him in bed. I've only been away two days but I miss him terribly. I let myself in the front door and slip down the hall without waking Mrs. Black. I make it all the way to our bedroom without noticing any sign that we are not alone in the house. The charm hiding the door into our room from Buckbeak's is back up and when I go into our room Sirius is not in bed and a piece of parchment rests on my pillow.

I pick it up and read it, Sirius, standing beside me, smiles as he recites the words printed on it, "Rem, I'm sorry I'm not in bed catching some rest for your return home. I wanted to be, more than anything, but as it happens we have guests, and I couldn't sit by and let Harry and the others have their Christmas ruined by this house. I'm either in the attic, finding the decorations, or making breakfast. If you're early enough we might catch a good snog before the kids wake up. Love you, Sirius."

"Did we manage a snog?" I ask him, amused that the mere sight of the note made him smile in the way that means he's randy, or about to cause mischief.

"Aren't you supposed to be showing me if we did or not?" He asks me flippantly as we follow me upstairs to the attic.

"Ah, there you are Love, just in time. Help me move these boxes over to that spot by the door, would you?" Sirius asks levitating a box off the pile and moving it over. There must be a dozen boxes.

"What they lacked in enthusiasm they made up for in extravagance, hmm?" I ask, doing as he's requested.

"Of course Rem, only the best, and as much of it as is tasteful," Sirius agrees setting the last box down.

"Hmm, who's here Siri?"

"Harry, Molly, the kids. Tonks and Moody are coming over later to escort the lot of them to St. Mungo's."

"Why are they going to St. Mungo's?" I ask him, confused.

"You didn't hear what happened to Arthur?" He returns, genuinely surprised.

"No Love, sitting in meetings with a sleazy vampire and a couple of hags is not the best place to receive Order news," I reply chuckling.

"He was attacked, while on guard duty, by a snake. Harry saw the whole bloody incident from the snake's point of view. But can we talk about that later? We might just have time for a shag if you can forgive the scenery," He murmurs shutting the door.

I hesitate, "promise to explain that in detail before we go back downstairs?"

"Whatever you want Rem," He promises returning to me like a hunting animal.

"I've always been a particularly randy creature haven't I?" Sirius asks chuckling.

"Yes, but I've always enjoyed it," I return chuckling. "Want to see Christmas morning?"

"That sounds good," He tells me smiling as things dissolve into something far less innocent.

I take us to the drawing room where we're sitting beneath the tree with the attitude that if the children figure it out from something so simple they deserve to know. We've opened our gifts and had breakfast, and I've calmed Molly's crying fit over Percy's utter abandonment. We're spending a bit of time with the kids before I go off to visit Arthur with them.

"Thanks again for the books, they'll be really helpful," Harry says smiling. "Did you like your gifts?"

"Yes Harry, thank you, it was very thoughtful," Sirius says looking over the radio as if he's never seen one before.

"And the books look interesting," I decided when I opened them not to tell him I own a set of Tolkiens books that is older than he is. I appreciated the thought all the same.

Harry smiles and we talk about inconsequential things until it's almost time for lunch, the kids leave the room at Molly's call but Hermione hesitates a moment after the rest leave. She smiles at us in a way that say 'I know your secret' and points to the ceiling above us "You two have been sitting under the mistletoe for quite awhile."

"I thought you knew, well get a move on and leave us to it then," I say good naturedly as she heads out of the room. We snog for a few minutes before Molly calls us downstairs.

"Don't go Love, Molly and Dung and Moody are all going with them, you don't have to go too," Sirius murmurs, not letting me go.

"There's a werewolf in the same ward as Arthur, I promised I'd visit him, let him know it's not the end of the world," I explain softly.

"Fine, I'll grab an invisibility cloak and come with you then," Sirius says in all seriousness.

"I don't know love…"I murmur reluctantly, "Someone's bound to notice an extra body in the car."

"I'll sit on your lap," Sirius says grinning.

"Bound and determined are you?" He nods, "Fine. But let's get down to lunch now before Molly skins us alive."

I skip us ahead to the time spent in the hospital. Molly is having an absolute tirade at Arthur and I'm sitting beside the newly bitten werewolf's bed, Sirius, still under the cloak like a good boy is kneading the tight muscles of my neck softly.

"I know Arthur's told you about me, though I don't know what he's told you. I'll admit I've been lucky. Far luckier than some. And things haven't been easy, but I do believe that as long as you don't give up you can still have a life."

"How old were you, when you were… bitten?" The man asks shakily.

"Very small, about five years old," I tell him softly, looking uncomfortably toward Arthur, Molly and the others.

"So you've lived with… This most of your life then," He runs a hand through his hair the way Sirius does when he's thinking very hard. "I don't know that I can do this. I already got an owl from my boss, I've been sacked. And how am I supposed to date anymore?"

"It can be hard to find and keep a job, I won't lie to you. And as for dating, well it's a long time since I was single but it seems to me you go out and ask someone, and if it becomes serious you explain to them your situation," I tell him smiling just the slightest bit at the sudden interest in his expression.

"So you have someone… What I mean is you're…" He fumbles for away to ask a stranger such a question without being rude.

"I have a lover, we've been together for about twenty three years now, Merlin's beard that makes me feel old. Anyway, my experience with him can't possibly be typical we were friends for years before he figured out my secret and he knew for three years before we were together. But I know a few others who dated people that didn't know, and sometimes it caused heartbreak to tell the truth, and sometimes things didn't work out all on their own but when things went right they were happy," I explain as Sirius settles on the floor against my legs.

"Wow, twenty three years…" He sounds shocked.

"Well we did have a bit of a shaky patch in the middle, but we belong together, and we both know it. And being the randy creature that he is he can't live without me," I tell him chuckling.

"Like you're any better," I can hear Sirius' whisper, unfortunately I'm not the only one.

"Who was that?" The as yet nameless werewolf asks.

Making a quick decision I pull the curtain around his bed and cast a strong silencing charm, "Whether or not you want it to your life is going to become one of secrets from here on out, and if you'll accept one more secret I'll answer your question."

He thinks about it for a while before answering me, "I suppose I have to start somewhere."

"You see-" I start to explain but Sirius pulls off the cloak, laying it over the arm of the chair before I get a chance to answer.

"That was a bloody awful idea, I must be rusty…" He murmurs stretching.

"Siri, you're not helping just now," I tell him sounding just a bit annoyed.

"Rem, after twenty-three years I'd think you'd have a little faith in me. I'm the 'randy creature,'" He says offering his hand.

"You're Sirius Black," He murmurs in response as his eyes go wide, but he shakes Sirius' hand just the same.

"Yes I am. And you don't have to believe me but I'm innocent of what they say I did. But, before you decide who you believe I need to give you a bit of advice. Because I may be the only person qualified to tell you this. Right now you want to rely on some one. You want to turn to a parent, a lover, a friend. And if you have someone it's a gift, appreciate it. But you can't draw your strength from someone else. No one can really. Because no matter how much they mean what they say, or how much they happen to love you, no one can guarantee they'll be there. Accept love and affection and a helping hand, but never take so much that you can't go on without it." He looks down at the ground, "You need to be able to draw on your own strength to survive, and you can never apologize for that."

The man looks at him as if he's sizing up both what he's said and Sirius himself. After a moment he nods, "It's good advice. Sounds like you rehearsed it."

Sirius chuckles, "Sort of. I've been meaning to tell Harry, our godson, that for almost two years now."

"I don't think my head spun this much when they told me what happened to me," He mutters running a hand through his hair and yet looking the most relaxed I've seen him. "How is it that three years of front page news popped up next to my bed on Christmas day?"

"Well when I'm feeling needy I'm a stubborn git, not to put too fine a point on it," Sirius offers flippantly.

"Sure, leave me the serious explanations," I try to sound angry but fail as he sits in my chair.

"You're better at them," He says it shrugging.

"Exactly what I told you. Arthur thought I should talk to you so I came down to see you. And well Siri didn't want to be left at the house alone so he got a hold of an invisibility cloak and here we are," If he needs to know more he can ask.

"You've certainly made my problems seem less complicated at least," He says still staring wide eyed.

"You won't say anything will you?" Sirius asks him hopefully.

"And invite more trouble? No thank you, I think I'm going to go to sleep and when I wake up tell myself if this was all one very bizarre dream if you two don't mind," He declares closing his eyes rather firmly.

I chuckle as Sirius picks up the cloak again and I do my best to look at him sternly, "I'm not willingly watching you leave that house again Siri. What if he'd turned us in? I can't lose you again."

"You won't. You have my heart Rem. Time, space, prison, life, and death, none of it can separate us," Always ready with pretty words.

"As much as your heart means to me Siri I want more. I want your smile, your mind, your body, all of you," I didn't meet his eyes at that point, but I watch them now.

For a spilt second he's on the verge of tears, but he turns me around instead, "I can't cower in fear my whole life Rem. I love you with all that I am. I want to stay with you forever. But if that means never leaving that house again it's not a life, even if I have you. That place would suck the life out of anyone."

"I know Siri, but no more of these 'I'm bored' outings, ok? We'll go to our house, and things like that, but not out in public for no reason, please?" I'm almost begging.

"Alright Rem, no more pointless outings, I promise," He tells me looking deep in my eyes. And I do believe him.

"I kept that promise," Sirius says beside me. "But we didn't have very long…"

"Unfortunately no, we didn't. But we do now. I've got a little more to show you first though," I tell him without regret now.

"Lead on Rem," He tells me smiling.

I take us to the day he died, we're tending to an injury Buckbeak has sustained. We finish cleaning the wound and both make our way downstairs, looking for Kreacher. "That's it your finally getting your spot on that damn wall!" Sirius calls as we reach the kitchen. When we open the door to his little bit of hell we find him cackling. We both stare at him suspiciously. "What have you done?" Sirius growls, ready to kill him.

"I sent Harry Potter to the dark lord's minions," Kreacher cackles happily. "He's gone to the department of mysteries to save you."

"I am going to kill you," Sirius declares venomously.

"No Siri, we're going to save Harry," I tell him firmly.

He growls but nods, "Kreacher, I command you, no matter what happens not to leave this room again until I tell you otherwise." Kreacher hisses and moves to shut the door. "And don't you dare shut the door either."

We watch us race to the ministry of magic, and make our way to the department of mysteries. We watch as we check the prophecy room. And then, finally as we find them at the veil. We watch the fight. We watch Sirius' fall. We watch me save Harry and break down in silent tears when he's gone after Bellatrix.

"I died Rem, how is it that I'm standing here? I know you told me the price, but not the means," I check his eyes to be sure he comprehends what he's seen before answering.

"I will show you, I promise you, but I'm trying to keep things in sequence and there is something else I want you to see first," I wait for his nod before changing the memory around us, I skip letting Harry know the order is there for him, and go directly to a meeting with Fudge a month after Sirius' death. Two days after the first time I thought of returning to Grimmauld place and picking up one of the various poisons stored there. Dumbledore still has a knack for spotting self destructive behavior though and he stopped me, that first time and a handful of others before I made my decision. But that wasn't the important bit.

I sit before Fudge's desk uncaring as to why he's had me brought in, even as Dumbledore sits beside me.

"Due to statements given to the ministry over the course of the past thirteen years, and the fact that the security spells all identified one of the intruders as You-Know-Who I am willing to admit that I may have been wrong about some things. And now that I have questioned some of those present at the… battle, I am willing to grant Sirius Black a pardon. Unfortunately as he fell during said battle I have to present his pardon to his family, which Dumbledore informs me you are one of the only surviving members Mr. Lupin so here you are," He hands me a role of parchment. "An official statement of this pardon has been delivered to the offices of the Daily Prophets. Have a nice day." Fudge leaves the room scowling.

"Lovely, he's dead and now the bloody idiot believes in him," I tell Dumbledore venomously but I do clutch the pardon like a life line.

"But the fact that his memory will not be tainted by this false accusation should be of some comfort Remus," He tells me softly, as if rebuking me for my anger.

"Perhaps to you Albus, as you seem to believe that his death was for the best. But I see it for what it was, a useless and highly preventable tragedy which many contributed to," I refuse to cry, but it's easy to tell I'm close to it.

"It was partly my fault as well you know, I didn't have to go on fighting Bellatrix…" Sirius murmurs in my ear.

"I know, but there were a thousand details that led us there that were out of our hands," I explain to him as we move on again.

It's no more than a week since the pardon and I'm catching a rare moment of sleep, clutching the pillow Sirius had last used at Grimmauld Place. There's a knocking on the front door of the house. It persists until I answer it. "Albus? Why are you here, there can't be any news for me."

"It's come to my attention what you intend to do Remus," He tell me simply.

"And what is it you think I intend to do?" I ask as if it doesn't matter.

"I suspect there is another option on your mind, but it is the summoning spell that I'm in reference to," He says with concern in his eyes.

"It's not a summoning spell," I resign myself to having this conversation. "It's a reaffirmation and a deepening of a link we always shared, that due to the fact that he didn't actually die, that he just pasted through the veil, will bring him back to me."

"There are a thousand things that could go wrong Remus. There is no guarantee it will even truly be him," There is a sadness in his voice that would have touched me in other circumstances.

"Then stop blocking my attempts to go to him," I say it very reasonably, despite the fact that my eyes are pleading.

"That I simply cannot allow Remus," He speaks softly, as though it is important to be careful with me.

"It's old magic Albus, and I intend to do it right. Nothing you say is going to dissuade me, so if that's all I'd like to go back to sleep," I return to the door in a clear request for him to leave.

"At least give me time to seek a less… costly alternative Remus," His expression is once again one of concern.

"Two weeks," I speak calmly, "is all I can promise you." Albus nods and the scene fades around us.

I take us to the library of our house, it's been three months since Sirius' death and I'm sitting in the middle of the floor with all the books which contain the spell spread around me. Nymphadora appears in the room and sits on an armchair nearby, "Remus, I know you miss him. More than any of us can ever understand. But this spell is dangerous to you and him. It could kill you. Don't do it."

"I really don't give a flying fuck what could happen Nymphadora, I'd rather die than go on like this," This is a determined statement, weary but sure. "If you've changed your mind about calling Poppy for me when it's finished that's one thing, other wise please stop trying to talk me out of it."

"I'm just worried about you Remus." Her eyes drop to the books around me as her voice falls to a whisper, "I remember the first time I saw you two kiss, it was at the Christmas dinner you two threw when I was six. I was so little the kiss itself didn't mean anything to me, but the look on both of your faces afterwards struck me, I remember thinking 'I hope I find something that can make me smile like that.' Now that I know how rare and special a thing like that is I have to wonder if it's a crime to risk ruining it to get it back," There's no rebuke in Nymphadora's tone, just an honest wondering.

"The crime is not seeking it out with every breath, every ounce of strength in my body. I love him, Nymphadora, so much I forget to breath sometimes just looking at him. He's always told me how I'm so strong and independent. And he's always been wrong. I was never strong or independent, I need him, he's my strength. He always will be. I just need him," The last is whispered.

Nymphadora gathers me into her arms, "Then we'll bring him back."

"I never knew what losing me would do to you," Sirius says it with genuine pain in his own voice.

"I got you back," I say it to reassure us both as we watch myself and Nymphadora set up a cauldron and make the potion as the books describe.

When it's finished I walk Nymphadora to the living room, "I have to be alone for the spell itself. There should be a ripple in the magic of the whole house when it's finished, make sure we're both alive and then call Poppy."

"All right Remus, don't die on me, okay?" Nymphadora asks softly.

I just smile at her and make my way back to the cauldron. Now that I am by myself I let my tears fall, directly into the cauldron and cut my palm open, letting blood flow copiously into the potion as I chant the spell, Greek and Latin words mingling with a far older language it has taken me the better part of a month to learn to pronounce.

We watch as the potion bubbles over as if boiling and a doorway of light appears at my side. My eyes widen and I chant steadily. I pass out as the light from the doorway surrounds me for a moment and then a shape falls from it just before it disappears. Nymphadora rushes in and checks on me first as Sirius stirs on the floor beside me.

"Sirius?" She asks disbelieving as he gets to his feet, "Are you all right?"

"I'm… fine. But who am I?" Sirius asks sitting down with wide eyes.

"She was right, you could have died," Sirius tells me, sounding like he could kill me for being so foolish.

"I knew what I was doing," I assure him.

"I don't care if you knew what you were doing, loosing that much blood could have killed you," He shakes his head, "And you really didn't give a damn about that."

"No I didn't. What you told that man at Christmas was good advice, but if you thought you were talking about me you were wrong. I've always needed you Sirius," I whisper, dropping my eyes.

He tilts my chin up, making me meet his eyes, "And I need you Remus, that's why I can't believe you value your life so little."

"It's not that I don't value my life Siri, it's that without you it seems pointless to go on. Sure I can have a full life, but if you're not there to share it what good is it?"

"I know it doesn't matter anymore because of this spell but if you ever disregard your own well being like that again Rem I will kill you. I want you to have a full long life, with or without me," His eyes beg me to understand what he's saying.

"I want us to have that together Siri, and now we finally have the chance. I can promise you I'll never be that weak again, but that's all I can tell you," He nods his understanding and I feel the tilt and shift of returning from a pensieve as we are both dropped back into the present fairly abruptly.

"I could use some sleep Rem, can we go to bed?" It's just a touch pleading.

"Certainly," I let him lead the way. We both shed our clothing lazily and crawl into bed, falling asleep with limbs tangled and bodies resting against one another.

The next morning finds us still sleeping happily together at noon when Nymphadora calls for a progress report on her cousin. "Ignore her," Sirius murmurs pulling me against him tighter.

"If I ignore her she'll come looking for us," I explain to him pulling on the nearest bit of clothing, a pair of his trousers.

"Fine, keep her nosy arse in the kitchen and I'll join you both in a minute," He concedes as I get out of the bed.

"If it wasn't for her nosy arse I would have died bringing you back Siri," I remind him softly as I walk out of the room, dodging the shirt he throws at me expertly.

"Fine, go out there all half naked and tempting…" I chuckle, knowing he is annoyed with me but finding it amusing just the same.

"Nymphadora isn't a randy thing like you," I shoot back.

"Shows what you know about it!" He calls after me.

I make my way into the living room, "Hello Nymphadora."

"I really wish you'd call me Tonks, Remus," She sighs dejectedly, "but that's never going to happen, is it? Did I catch you in the middle of something?" She waves a hand at my half dressed state.

"Just some well deserved sleep," I explain smiling. "Why don't we have a cuppa?"

"Is Sirius not here?" She's concerned.

"He's getting dressed. He'll be out in a minute," I tell her leading the way to the kitchen.

"So something has happened then," She watches me with almost suspicious eyes.

"Not what you're implying but it worked, he's got his memories back. And a few he didn't have before, like how I brought him back, and that you tried to talk me out of it," I start to make the tea as she sits down.

"He's himself again?" She seems surprised.

"Well, he hasn't quite been as randy as usual, but I'm willing to give it time," I catch myself a few seconds too late. "Sorry Nymphadora, you didn't need to know that."

"It's okay, it was funny," She assures me.

"Alright, I'm here, I'm awake, I'm as charming as ever," Sirius announces as he sits down propping his feet up on my chair. I finish making the tea and watch him expectantly, waiting for my seat. "What, you're above sitting in my lap now?"

"Breakfast just doesn't seem the time or place for it Siri," I rebuff softly.

"Doesn't bother me, in fact it reassures me that I do indeed have my cousin back," Nymphadora says hiding a snicker.

"So what brings you over today Tonks?" Sirius asks as I give in and sit in his lap.

"Hold on, you're telling me you've remembered the whole of your life in the last two days but the fact that I was coming to check on you escaped you?" Tonks says with a nervous chuckle.

"You know me, I always was a bit daft when I'm still sleepy," Sirius says picking up my tea and taking a long drink.

"Well it's been a long time since then and I thought perhaps you'd grown up a bit," Nymphadora says softly.

"I'm sorry Tonks, I didn't mean to call you by your mother's name back then, but you are her daughter you know, and sometimes you do happen to look it…" Sirius says apologetically.

"You know I hadn't thought about that for a long time," She tells us sipping her tea.

"Well then, I've ruined your morning, haven't I?" Sirius says apologetically just the same.

"No. But that could be because it's not morning," Nymphadora replies chuckling.

"It's not?" Sirius looks at the clock, "Yesterday must have been tiring, fourteen hours in bed without shagging."

"There's my Siri," I say laughing deeply.

"Well I'll be late for work if I don't go, visit your godson today," The instruction is fond and she gives each of us a kiss on the cheek before leaving.

"Harry doesn't know?" Sirius asks me.

"No, I couldn't tell him until we had you back properly. It would have broken his heart to get you back just to have you not remember him…" I know it's not what he wants to hear, but I won't lie to him to save his feelings, I never have.

"Before we see him I think we need to have a discussion…" He seems hesitant, something I will never get used to.

"About what Siri?" I turn to him.

"I can't do as Dumbledore asks anymore. I can't continue to lie to Harry about you, about this house, about his past, about what I want to offer him," His voice is determined.

"I can't lie to him anymore either Siri. But what is it you want to offer him?" I think I know, but I need him to tell me.

"A home, and a family, if you still think we can be that for him," He says it uncertainly, as if he's asking for something he has no right to.

I gently brush the hair away from his face before I speak, "Siri, he may not know it but we've always been his family. And as for giving him a place in our home, that's always been his as well. After all that's happened I'm not the slightest bit phased by disregarding Dumbledore's wishes."

"Alright then, I'm dressed and ready to go, but I put my foot down at you leaving the house in that little clothing," Sirius says examining me.

"Siri, I hate to say this, but it might be better if I spoke to him alone first. So that I can explain what I've done…" I plead with my eyes for him to understand what I'm telling him.

"I can see what you mean, 'Hi Harry, of course I'm not dead, can we talk?' is a bad place to start from," He looks as though he has more to say but he just watches for my reaction to this.

"All I'll tell him is how it is that you're back, and then we'll tell him the rest together," I tell him honestly.

He nods, "how will you let me know when to show up?"

"I'll whistle," I smirk at the sudden idea. He looks at me as if I've lost my marbles. "Come with me as Padfoot, wait in the park near Petunia's house. We'll go for a walk, and when I've told him what I need to I'll whistle and you can join us."

"I'll be there," It's a promise though one isn't needed.

"Then I'll go get dressed, if you don't mind letting me go." I smile as he lets me go, "I'll be back soon."

A half an hour later we're in the park near the Dursley's home, "I am sorry about the collar Padfoot, but you know the muggles' laws about stray dogs." I pet him soundly before standing up, "I'll be back for you as soon as I can be." Padfoot puts his front paws on the back of the bench we're standing beside and licks my face. I chuckle, "Love you too."

I walk the few blocks to the Dursley's home but am saved from knocking when Harry's voice rings out from behind me. "Pr- Moony?" He seems so unsure as to how to talk to me and I sigh.

"There you are Harry. I need to talk to you, but I'd prefer not to do it here," I glance around and notice the Dursley's neighbor staring at me.

"It looked like you were coming from the park, we could head back there," Harry suggests, sounding fairly disinterested. "What is it you want to talk about?"

"It's about Sirius…" I don't know how to explain this now that it's time.

"What about him?" Harry asks me warily.

"I know what happened to him was hard on you. But you don't quite know what happened…" I take a very deep breath, "This is hard to understand, and even harder to explain so please bear with me. The veil, and the archway that supports it, are remnants of the oldest known wizarding civilization. It was the common source of Greek and Roman culture. They understood things we can no longer touch. The veil is a testament to that." I take my time deciding how to explain the rest. "There are two ways you can pass through the veil: alive or dead. If you pass through it dead that's it, you've left this world forever. If you pass through it alive there are two possibilities. You see the veil doesn't kill. It doesn't have that power. It's only a gateway. Once you've gone through it though it requires a very overt act by someone still in our world to bring you back through. If that doesn't happen before the last person who loved you dies your ties to the mortal world break and you die as well."

"What do you mean an overt act?" Harry asks showing some interest.

"That's the second possibility for those who pass the veil alive. If someone who loves them performs a specific piece of ancient blood magic it can bring them back. It requires four key elements tears, blood, the ability to speak the ancient language, and a binding of the life forces of the two."

"What does that mean?" Harry asks me looking confused.

"That means that whoever is brought back and the person that brings them back will die at the same moment." I whisper it, because for me even the words themselves have power. I let him process as we sit down on the bench in the park.

"Why tell me this now?" He asks at last.

"Because I did it," I hold my breath as I wait for his response.

He looks at me entirely uncomprehendingly, "You did what?"

"I brought Sirius back," I have to suppress the urge to whistle.

"You did that to yourself for me?" Harry asks wide eyed. Was James that arrogant?

"No," It's blunt, but it's the truth. "I did it for Sirius. And for myself. But that doesn't mean it can't benefit you."

"Won't it be just as bad as before? Him stuck in that house going stir crazy while his mother's memory taunts him and me stuck here with people who hate me. Why even bother?" There's such apathy in his voice it shakes me.

"None of that is true Harry," I whistle and Padfoot trots out from some nearby bushes, looks around and transforms.

Sirius slides onto the bench beside me and emotion suddenly floods Harry's expression, "What are you doing?! Someone will see you!"

Sirius smiles very calmly at him, "It doesn't matter if they do. Fudge pardoned me while I was…away."

"What?" Harry seems shocked.

"I thought you had a subscription to the Daily Prophets," I comment watching him closely.

"I canceled it at the beginning of the summer," Harry says looking down at his hands.

"Well a number of things have happened, but the only one that's relevant to this discussion is Sirius' pardon," I tell him a smiling playing on my lips.

"But there are a number of things we need to tell you Harry, things we should have told you two years ago," Sirius says this softly, as if he's afraid some passerby might hear. "Things we wanted to tell you, but we trusted to Dumbledore's judgment that they would only make the situation worse."

"And that's changed?" Harry asks, his continuing anger at Dumbledore still obvious.

"No Harry, it hasn't. But Dumbledore can't decide what's right for us, and after everything you've been through we both think what's right for you is for you to decide." I tell him honestly. I turn to Sirius, "Where should we start?"

He squeezes my hand, "With the most fundamental truth of our lives." He pauses, as though hoping I'll say it but in my opinion this has to come from Sirius, not me. "Well you see Harry… You know I've told you this before and I still don't know how to just say it…"

"What do you mean you've told me before?" Harry asks curiously.

"Well it was so important to us that you know that when you were about two months old Sirius sat you down and told you, not that you understood a word, but it made him feel better," I explain to him, and Sirius looks at me with his expression pleading for my help. "Just tell him the same way you did then Sirius."

"Good idea. But Harry some of this may seem… strange. Please remember at the time I was speaking to a two month old." He waits for Harry to nod. An odd smile passes over his face before he speaks, "I think it's time you and I had a little talk, Harry. As I'm sure you've noticed by now Rem and I often visit the herd here at your house. But what you probably don't realize is Rem and I are a bit different from your herd. First off neither of us is anything close to a deer. Rem's a wolf and I'm a dog, but that's only part of it. What I'm actually talking about most people will tell you it's strange, or should I say queer? But your mum and dad both know and they say it's cute so you should grow into an open minded kid without this little talk. Still I think being your godfather it should come from me the first time. But how to explain it? Well you see Harry, sometimes a bloke finds himself a nice girl, settles down and has kids, like your dad did. And sometimes a bloke finds himself a handsome fellow to settle down with like Rem here did. So kids like you end up with a great mum and dad, a flighty godmother and two godfathers." He chuckles, "I'd forgotten how stupid I sounded."

"I thought it was sweet, and more over, to the point," I inform him grinning.

"So you two are lovers, have been longer than I've been alive, why would that be something that required hiding from me?" Harry asks impatiently.

"Dumbledore seemed to think that if you knew you had a fairly stable family-"

Sirius interrupts me, "as opposed to a crazed fugitive."

"To be a part of that you wouldn't stay here where you're safe, no matter how much you were told it was for your own good. Not that we think it is mind you."

"Not to be rude, but what makes you two a stable family?" His guard is up.

"We love each other. We love you. We have a home, and you've had a place in it from the moment we laid eyes on you. And though we've both failed you before we're here, and we'll continue to be here as long as you let us," The look in Sirius' eyes is raw, Harry has hit an exposed nerve.

"I don't think I could go back there," Harry almost whispers, dropping his guard a bit at the hurt in Sirius' voice.

"He's not talking about Grimmauld Place Harry," I say this softly. "You haven't been to our home in nearly fourteen years, and your room reflects that I'm afraid."

"But that is easy enough to fix if you decide to live with us, or at least to visit," Sirius adds quickly.

"If you two have a house of your own why were you living at Grimmauld Place?" Harry asks suspiciously.

Sirius laughs bitterly, "Someone had to stay there, and as I couldn't be wandering about I was nominated for the job."

"And I would never leave him to the little slice of Hell alone," I tell him holding Sirius' hand tightly.

"I can't make a decision like that in ten minutes. I know I'd be happier with you two, but maybe my safety isn't worth it. I'll have to really think about it. I mean if you'd asked me two years ago I'd have run home for my broom by now. But things are… different. I just don't know what's right anymore," Harry has gotten up and is on the verge of pacing.

"If you think you need time Harry you should take it. I don't think any of us want you to make this decision because you're running from something," I rub my thumb soothingly over Sirius' hand. "If you decide in the end you'd prefer to stay and be safe please still consider visiting us. But if you decide the degree of protection you can have with us is enough and you want to live with your family there will always be a place for you."

"Thank you for that," Harry says honestly. "Anything else I should know?"

"No, I think for once you've got all the information you need, unless you want details," Sirius says snuggling closer to me.

Harry shakes his head, "No thanks. I'll ask the things I want to know when I'm ready. But just now can we just spend some time together? Maybe get away from here for a bit? Or would someone have an absolute fit over that?"

Sirius laughs, "Who gives a toss if they do? We miss you and it seems the fine job of spoiling you we were doing took a detour for a long while, so name a destination and we're off."

We spent the afternoon with Harry before spending another fourteen hours in bed, though far fewer of them were spent sleeping this time. And then I woke up to an obviously plotting Sirius bringing me breakfast in bed.

When we've both ate and he's convinced me to get dressed Sirius demands I close my eyes. I do as he asks and wait. He holds my hand and I feel the unmistakable lurch of being drawn into a pensieve once again. "Siri, what are we doing here?" I ask opening my eyes.

"Your method of retrieving my memories reminded me of something I've wanted to do for a long time. Before I always found some reason not to, or that I shouldn't or couldn't do it. Not I know that I can, I should, and I will," The smile accompanying this statement is blinding.

"And what's that?" I ask him interestedly.

"Show you how I see you," He pauses thoughtfully. "You're already seen Moony the way I do, and I'm glad you finally understand that. But I want you to see you through my eyes as well."

I nod my acceptance of this and he smiles.

The scene is one that is especially familiar after the last few days. It's our dorm room in Gryffindor tower. Eleven year old Sirius stands before a set of closed bed curtains. After a moment he pulls them open silently. In the bed Remus is the picture of contentment. Neither curled in a tight ball nor sprawled over the whole bed, he rests on his side. His light brown hair rests over his cheek and neck. There is the slightest of smiles on his face as he breaths deeply and evenly. Suddenly his hand rises to brush the hair off his cheek and Sirius drops the curtain back into place. With a slight spinning sensation the scene becomes that of fourteen year old Sirius making his way across the grounds toward the lake. He pauses, looking at the boy who is his destination in what appears to be fascination. Remus is sitting next to the lake, feet almost touching the ice that rings the lake like an extended shoreline. The wind ruffles his hair and in the sunlight strands of silver and gold are visible among the brown. He reaches out a hand and sends a stone skimming over the ice and bouncing into the pond. His breath rises as a puff of steam into the air and he leans back on his hands. Sirius starts walking again and after a few steps Remus turns to him and smiles warmly enough to melt the ice.

"Is this the day-" I begin to ask.

"The very same," Sirius tells me before the scene shifts again. Suddenly it's like nothing I've seen in a pensieve before, we are not watching from nearby as usually, but rather literally through Sirius' eyes. And watching myself practically stumbling up the stairs to Gryffindor tower I know exactly what I'm about to see and it makes my pulse race. When we reach the tower he pulls my shirt off and murmur approvingly at his first unguarded appraisal of my thin but by no mean frail or weak torso and I still don't feel the attraction to that image that he does but I appreciate that to him it is a desirable one. Even more so as in the memory we finish undressing each other and the real Sirius' arms encircle my waist. "Do you see it?"

It takes me a moment to find the ability to speak, "See what?"

"That you are everything I tell you and more, that to my eyes there is no more enticing sight than you," He accompanies the words by sliding his hands up and down my sides, stopping my brain from working well enough for a clever retort.

"I see it Love. I still don't agree, but that's because to me there's nothing better than you," I turn as I say this, meeting his eyes.

He smiles amused, "I know, I could see that when you were showing me everything I'd forgotten. That's why I had to show you this."

"Thank you for this Siri," It's barely more than a whisper but I mean it.

"No Rem, thank you. For bringing me back, for loving me, for everything," With that he kisses me and I know we'll make it through anything so long as we're together.

Fin