Here for your readin' pleasure is the second installment of the Crash Goes Stupid series. Even more stupidity abounds than in the last!

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Crash Goes Stupid 2: Stupider than B4!

BY FNC (FakeNeoCrash)

In the lair of Dr. Embryo...

Embryo: Yes! To catch the bandicoot maniacs on the loose, I have created...

He opens a large graffiti-ridden shutter to reveal the Rainbow-Matic 2000 Rainbow Maker: capable of catching and carrying anything that gets caught in the rainbow!

Embryo: THIS THINGY!!!

Suddenly, the lights go out, and the Rainbow-matic is seen moving. The lights turn back on, only to reveal that the invention is gone!

Embryo: DARN YOU LEPRECHAUNS!!!

Ladies and gents, it's time for

CRASH GOES STUPID TWO: STUPIDER THAN B4!!!

Weth Krash, Koakoa, end Tauna Bandakut.

Director: NO!!! GET BACK HERE, YOU BANDICOOTS!!!

The director hands me a new script.

Okay... ahem... with Crash, Coco, and Tawna Bandicoot!

In Moron Manor, we hear loud yapping from the three idiot bandicoots we know as Crash, Coco, and Tawna.

Suddenly, we see Buzz Lightyear trying to escape a spikey wall. He narrowly escapes, and jumps across multiple small platforms. He then tries to take a power battery, but finds it's only a hologram when the evil Emperor Zurg appears.

Zurg: HAHAHAHAHA!!! You have made it far, Lightyear. However, you will not live for much longer! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

He starts to shoot energy balls at Buzz, who keeps dodging. However, when he prepares to attack, he gets toasty fried by Zurg. His remains crash to the ground.

Suddenly, in big red letters, GAME OVER is displayed across the screen.

Crash: AWW! NOT AGAIN!!!

Coco: Man, Crash! You suck!

Crash: No, it's not that! I've only got these little paws! How am I supposed to hit X AND Square at the same time when all I've got is little stumps considered to be paws?

Coco: Get better hands!

Crash: Hahahaha, very funny, I'm laughing my shirt off.

Coco: Gimme that! It's my turn!

She snatches the controller out of his hands, ejects the Buzz Lightyear disc from the case, and puts in Grand Theft Auto 2.

Coco: I've almost got all the Yakuza missions completed! But that "Stop the Tank" mission is just too hard!

Crash: Good luck!

Now we see a bunch of little streets with a tiny muscular figure in the middle of the screen. After plowing through a crowd, it hijacks a Mitchelli Roadster and heads to a red Yakuza Phone. Then, in big orange letters, "STOP THE TANK" appears. A mission briefing from Johnny Zoo, Yakuza Gang Leader, appears at the bottom of the screen:

Johnny Zoo: Hey, Kosai. Johnny Zoo here. Military officials have sent in a tank to destroy all of my exotic cars. Stop it before they're all scrap metal!

Reading this, the figure obtains a Rocket Launcher at the bottom of a flight of stairs, enters the Roadster, and heads to the location that the big pink arrow is pointing to. When it arrives, six soldiers start shooting at the car at the same time. In no time flat the Car Damage meter fills up, and the figure is blown sky high. As soon as it lands on the ground, both "MISSION FAILED" and "GAME OVER" appear on the screen.

Coco: Aw, not again! And I alomost had 'em, too!

Crash: No, you sucked just like all the other times!

Coco: SHUT IT! I just need to find a Kill Frenzy to get an extra life and then save!

Tawna enters the room with three glasses of fruit punch and a huge bowl of Cheez-Its on a tray.

Tawna: I've got some more munchies!

Coco: Would ya believe it, Tawna? I lost again!

Tawna: Oh, what a surprise.

Crash: And my stupid paws won't let me beat Zurg!

Tawna: Shut up! My turn!

She steals the paddle from Coco, takes out GTA2, and puts in the Legend of Dragoon.

Crash: You're gonna try to beat Lloyd AGAIN!!!

Coco: Girl, you just never give up!

Tawna: I have a really good feeling. Like I'm gonna beat him this time!

Crash: Oh, so you've got the feeling again, eh?

Tawna: Shut it!

She loads her game and heads through a small door. Suddenly, there's a brief little flick. She hits X to skip it and just cut to the chase. After about a hundred attacks, Lloyd finally hits the ground.

Tawna: YES!!! I DID IT!!!

But suddenly, he turns into a Dragoon!

Tawna: WHAT?!?!?! NO WAY!!!

She dies in no time flat.

Tawna: NOOOOOOOOOO! I WAS SO CLOSE!!! Hold on, lemme try again! I'll get him this time!!!

She tries again.

7 days later....

Tawna: AW, MAN! NOT AGAIN!!

Crash: Will you give it a rest now? You've been playing for over a week now!

Tawna: Oh, fine, ya big baby.

She shuts the Playstation off.

Tawna: So, what do ya wanna do now?

Coco: How about we hit the hay, and then go to that new "Klub Katz"!

Crash: Good idea!

So they rest up. Morning arrives in no time flat.

Crash: Will ya stop sayin' that?

Oh...

Tawna: TO KLUB KATZ!!

On their way to Klub Katz...

Tawna: TO KLUB KATZ!!

Crash: Will you shut up? You've said that 164 times in the last 10 minutes!

Tawna: Really? TO KLUB KATZ!!

Crash: Stooge!

Tawna: DOH! TO KLUB KATZ!

Crash: Stooge times 165!!! And a stooge for every time you say "TO KLUB KATZ" starting.... NOW!

Tawna: TO KLUB KATZ!

Crash: Stooge!

Coco: Oh, my aching head....!

Hours later, they finally reach the red building with "KLUB KATZ" in fancy neon letters over the entrance. A bouncer is waiting.

Bouncer: Alright, who are you three kids?

Crash: Uh... Crash! Crash Bandicoot!

Coco: Coco! Coco Bandicoot!

Bouncer: Alright, go on in! Wait! I wasn't talking to you. Name, please!

Tawna: Uh, Tawna Bandicoot?

Bouncer: Nice try, girlfriend, but you don't fool me! Ha, just kidding! I know who you are! You're with Crash and Coco! Go on in! Have fun!

Tawna: Wheeeeeew!

They walk along obliviously when they hit something.

Crash: Ow!

Papu Papu: What are three puny bandicoots doing? Papu breakdance, bandicoots go around!

Tawna: And run the N.Sanity Marathon? I think not! Make way!

Papu: Papu feel gas coming...

Coco: WE'LL GO AROUND!!!

So they walk aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

15 minutes later....

...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way around Papu. Then, boy do they see a sight for sore eyes!

Or brains, in their case!

Crash: Hey, look!

Coco: No way!

Tawna: Far out!

ALL: IT'S CROCODINGO!!!

Crocodingo: ARG!

Crash: Boy, did we miss you, buddy ol' pal!

Coco: How's life been treatin' ya?

Tawna: Have you been doing your homework?

DJ: Hey there, all you KRAAAAAAAZY Katz and Chikz! This is Tom Katz, and boy, do we have a contest cooooming up! It's a rap and dance contest. Have the best rap with the best moves, and we'll give you 200 biiiiiiiig bukz!

The morons all start to think for a change....

Crash's thoughts: Hey! That can buy me the Buzz Lightyear Strategy guide!

Coco's thoughts: With it I can find out how to kill that stupid tank!

Tawna's thoughts: And then there'll be no waaaay Lloyd'll be able to beat me!

Crocodingo's thoughts: Arg arg arg!

Katz: The contest starts in a half an hour, so get those raps a crackin'!

ALL: THAT'S IT!

Crocodingo: Arg!

The idiots huddle. Half an hour later....

Katz: Hey, all you KRAAAAAAAZY Katz and Chikz! It's the moment YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITIN' FOR! It's time for the big rap contest!

And our first contestant is Papu Papu with "Papu Pulse"!

Crash: Good luck!

Crash's thoughts: You're gonna need it!

Papu starts to shake his butt.

Papu: Papu Papu Papupupu! Papu Papu Papupupu! Papu Papu Papupupu! PAPU PAPU PAPUPUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

Katz: Well, since I'm a Kat that likes to EXPRESS his opinion, I must say Papu... THAT JUST PLAIN SUCKED!!!! You're out!

Papu: Papu mad....

Next, we have Komodo Doe and Komodo Toe, doing their infamous creation "Komodo Slither".

Crash: What a laugh!

2 hours later...

Katz: And our last contestant...

Crash: AAAAACK!

Coco: Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!

Tawna: Oh, my aching head!

Crocodingo: Aaaaaaarg....

CRASH, COCO, TAWNA, AND CROCODINGO WITH "THE WUMPA RAP"!!!

Crash: Duh!

Tawna: We're like the only ones left in here!

Coco: Okay, here goes....

Crash: The Wumpa Rap! The Wumpa Rap! The best stinkin' fruit on this side of the map!

Coco: The juices will flow, so away they go, and if you wanna try to stop 'em, speak to my big toe!

Tawna: It'll kick you and rock you to the planet of Zarg! So whatcha got, C. D., a simple...

Crocodingo: ARG!!!

Crash: Speak to us, and we'll cuss, you all out! Well mash you and eat you just like sauer craut!

Tawna: Well, this rap is almost over and we'll leave with a zing! So let's hear it one more time from Crocodingo, the... the... whispers psst... Coco! What IS Crocodingo, anyways?

Coco: How am I supposed to know? A thing!

Tawna: THING!

Crocodingo: Arg arg argarg, argarg arg! Argargargargargarg, argargargarg! Arg argargarg, argarg, argarg arg, argarg AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!!

Katz: Well, I must personally say that was the lousiest one I've heard yet besides the Papu Pulse, but since there's no one else he to award the prize to, I guess you're our winners!

ALL: YES!!!

Back at Moron Manor...

Crash: IT'S MINE!!!

Coco: NO! I NEED IT MORE!!!

Tawna: I'm the best one here, so I'll have it!

Crocodingo: Arg!

Crash: Good idea! Well draw from a hat, and whoever's name gets picked gets the cash!

Tawna: Okay!

A hat magically appears with their name inside. Crocodingo pulls out the name....

Crocodingo: And the winner is....

Tawna: Hey! How can he talk?

Crocodingo: It's only for this. Anyways, the winner is C...

Tawna: DANG!

Crocodingo: ...r...

Coco: Aw, man! Now I'll never beat the tank!

Crocodingo: ...ocodingo!!

Crash: Hey! You can't have the money! You're just an ANIMAL!!!

Crocodingo: Or so you think! YOINK!

He steals the money and leaves.

Tawna: Crash! Call the cops! We have a money thief here!

Crash picks up the phone and dials 744-5463

Which is PIG-LINE

Cop 700: Hello, Bond James, Chief of N.Sanity City, how may I help you?

Crash: Yes, we've got a pet thing named Crocodingo who's just stolen $200 from us! We need your help to catch him!

Bond: Description please.

Coco: He's real short, has the head of a crocodile, the tail of a dingo, very easy to spot.

Bond: Thank you. We'll be on the job.

He hangs up.

Bond: They wish! Well, back to eatin' donuts!

He chomps on an eclaire.

Back at Moron Manor...

Tawna: Do you think they'll really search for him?

Crash: Nope. They're nothin' but a bunch of good for nothing donut-eatin' pigs. I knew they wouldn't look for him.

Coco: Thay why'd ya call?

Crash: Call who?

Tawna and Coco: THE PIGS???

Crash: What pigs?

Tawna: The good for nothing donut-eatin' pigs you were just talking about!

Crash: 'Cause I wanted them to help find Crocodingo!

Coco: What a stooge...

Crash: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!

"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!" echoes throughout all of N.Sanity City.

City guy: SHUT UP!!!

Hours later, Crocodingo returns.

Crash: And just WHERE have you been?

Coco: And what did you buy?

Tawna: With OUR money?

Crocodingo holds up a sign.

Crocodingo's sign: I got mugged. Stole all money. Ran off.

Crash: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Coco: YOU STOOGE!

Tawna: YOU JUST LOST 2OO BUCKS!!!

Crocodingo's sign: And you know what else?

Crash: What, jerko?!?!?!

Crocodingo: YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF STOOGES!!! LATER!!! MUCH!!!

Crash whips out a net and bags him just as he's about to shoot out the door again.

Crash: OH, NO YA DON'T! NOT THIS TIME, BUCKO!

Coco: Good job, Crash!

Crash: Now gimme my money!!!

Tawna: YOUR money?!?!?!

Coco: It's MY money!!!

Crash: YEAH! MY MONEY!!!

Tawna: It's mine!

Crash: REDRAW!!! And no tricks this time, Mr. Crocodingo!

Crocodingo can talk again.

Crocodingo: Okay... this time, the winner is...

Tawna: Come on!

Crash: Let me win!

Coco: GTA, Strategy guide! GTA, Strategy guide! GTA, STRATEGY GUIDE!!!

Crocodingo: TAWNA!!!!

Coco and Crash: DOH!!

Tawna: YES!!! I WIN, FAIR AND SQUARE!!!

She whips out a catalog and the phone.

Tawna: Now to order that Legend of Dragoon Strategy Guide and find out how to kill Lloyd!

She dials 1-800-372-4666

(1-800-DRAGOON)

Tawna: Yes, I'd like to order your special "Legend of Dragoon" strategy guide... yes... yes.. got it... will do! Thanks!

She hangs up.

Tawna: The strategy guide will be here in...

The Dunce Doorbell rings.

Tawna: I GOT IT!!!

She opens the door and does something with a UPS man. She returns with a thick book in her hands.

Tawna: That was fast!

She walks over to the Playstation and turns it on, since Dragoon is already in. She enters the door, skips the cinema, and faces Lloyd. This time she is reading while playing. She kills Lloyd, both Human and Dragoon, in no time flat.

Tawna: I FINALLY DID IT!!!

Crash: Cheater!!

Coco: Yeah!

Crocodingo: Arg!

Tawna: Yeah, look who wanted to buy strategy guides for their own games!

Crash: That is not true!

Coco: Yeah!

Crocodingo: Arg!

Tawna: Then what DID ya wanna buy?

Crash: Uh...

Coco: Yeah! Uh, whoops, wrong time... I mean, mmm....

Crocodingo: Arrrg...

Tawna: See!

Crash: Shut it, stooge!

Tawna: DOH!!!!!!!

Crocodingo: Arg?

Crash: That stooge Tawna got mad 'cause I called her a stooge.

Crocodingo: ARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARG!!!

Crash: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Coco: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tawna: Grr...

Crocodingo: ARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARG!!!

Crash: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Crocodingo: ARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARG!!!

Coco: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tawna: Grr...

Crash: Hehehehe...

Coco: Huh?

Crocodingo: Grr...

Tawna: Arg...

Crash: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Crocodingo: ARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARG!!!

Coco: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tawna: AAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Coco: What are we laughing at again?

Crash: A stooge called Tawna.

Coco: Ooookaaaay....

Crash: Who's up for a game of Monopoly?

Coco: Me!

Tawna: I!

Crash: I'm in!

Crocodingo: ARG!!!

30 minutes later...

Oh, man... Stupid traffic jam... hope I'm not way too late... HEY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!?

Remember me? I'M THE NARRATOR!!!

But I thought you got arrested!!

I did!

So what are you doing here???

I BUSTED OUT!!!

"Not for long!!!"

Oh, no!

Cop 90210: Ahh, Narratron! We've been looking for you.

I get arrested again...

DOH!!

So, 30 minutes later...

Crash: How many times have I told you, Crocodingo? YOU CAN'T BUY ALREADY-BOUGHT PROPERTIES!!!

Crocodingo: ARG!!!

Crash: You dare oppose me?

Tawna: Oh, boy. Here we go again!

Crash: Surrender, foolish mortal!!!

Coco: WE'RE ALL MORTALS, STOOGE!!!

Crash: WHAT?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME, THE GREAT CRASH BANDICOOT, A STOOGE! YOU SHALL ALL FEEL MY WRATH!!

Tawna: Better go look up the looneybin's number again...

Crash: WHO ARE YOU CALLING LOONEY, FOOLISH MORTAL!!!

Coco: QUICK, TAWNA!!! HE'S REALLY GONE OFF THE DEEP END THIS TIME!!!

Tawna: I'M CALLIN' 'EM RIGHT NOW!!!

She dials 1-800-566-6391

(1-800-LOONEY1)

Looneybin: Looney Tune Asylum. Bunny Bugs speaking.

Tawna: Bunny! It's Tawna!

Bunny: Oh, let me guess. Crash thinks he's a god again, right?

Tawna: Yeah, but this time he's really gone crazy!

Bunny: Well, then this ain't you're lucky day. All our asylum cars are out trying to catch a demented narrator... Narratron, I think it was... that's escaped from jail twice.

WHAT?!?!?! OH, NO!!! SAVE ME!!!

Tawna: Okay, then bye.

Sh-sh-she... h-h-hangs... u-up!

Tawna: Dang demented narrators!

Coco: Ya don't have to worry. He's calmed down now.

Crash: Whoa! Where were we? I got lost...

Tawna: Forget Monopoly. Anybody wanna play Scrabble?

Crash: Sure!

Coco: I'll join!

Crocodingo: Arg!

Later...

Tawna: It's your turn, Coco!

Coco: Hold on! I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'! Okay, I've got one! "Ain't"!

She puts an A next to an I and above an R.

Crash: You can't use that! Ain't isn't a word!

Coco: Yes it is!

She whips out a dictionary.

Coco: Let's see... Ahh, here it is! Ain't: a non english WORD meaning "is not".

Crash: Fine! If you can use Ain't, then I can use "Arf"!

He puts an F under the R.

Coco: No you can't! Arf isn't a word!

Crash: Yes it is!

Coco: Nope. There's Arm, Art, even Arg (the abbreviation for Argentina), but no Arf.

Crash: IT'S GOT TO BE THERE!!!

Coco: It's not!

Crash: Say, what's the name for the sound something makes when it's about to kill you?

Coco: Gulp!

Crash: Sic 'er, Crocodingo!

Crocodingo: ARG ARG ARG ARG ARG!!!!

Coco: AAAAAAGH!!!

Crash: YAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tawna hits him over the head with a rolling pin

Crash: OW! What'd I do?

Tawna: Think real hard!

Crash: I can't!

Tawna: Oh yeah, that's right!

Crash: Shut it, stooge!

Tawna: Nope, not gonna say nothin'!

Coco: Guys!

She's standing next to the range, which is shaking and smoking.

Coco: I was trying to bake cookies, but this oven's broken!

Crash: Easy!

He grabs a lamp and starts to smash the range. Tawna joins in with a chair.

Coco: WAIT! HOLD IT!!! I'm not the type to interrupt, but if we start by TURNING OFF THE...

Crash: Allow me!

He yanks the temperature knob off.

Crash: It is off. Am I good or what?

The oven starts to whistle like a teapot.

Coco: Is it me!?!? It's him, right?!?!

Tawna: Boy, those cookies are gettin' crispy!

The burners for the stove are blown off by the smoke.

Crash: Wait! My brain is working!

He hesitates for a bit, and then he lifts the oven up and hurls it into the wall. The oven door falls open, and the cookies fall out and burn through the ceiling.

Coco: My cookies!

She runs over to the place where the cookies fell.

Coco: The ceiling!!!

She looks at the oven, which is toasted beyond repair.

Coco: THE OVEN!!!

Crocodingo: Arg!

He lifts Crash up and lays him outside the front door of Moron Manor. Crash starts to pound on the door.

Crash: WILMA!!! Err, I mean TAWNA!!!!!

He then runs off to look for the back door that doesn't exist. Tawna looks out the front door, dressed like Wilma Flinstone, looking for Crash. She shrugs her shoulders and walks back inside.

Crash: Boy, am I sure stupid! Thinking there was a back door!

He walks back through the now unlocked front door and lays on the couch.

Crash: Whew! I'm pooped!

Coco: Wanna watch TV?

Tawna: Sure!

They turn the tube on to find:

Announcer: Tonight, on the late early movie, Out of here, Scared of There, by Ryan Seyersdahl!

What new adventures will the morons face in the future? Find out in Crash Goes Stupid Three!!!

Crash: Aww, it's a rerun!

He shuts the tube off.

No bandicoots were harmed in the making of this fic. Okay, so maybe three were. But no more than THREE!!!