Chapter 9: Dinner tonight - fish and ships.

Elizabeth was sulking in the ships cabin.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Two pirates, Intel and Spaghetti, entered.

'Hello Miss,' Spaghetti said.

'Gutentaag,' Intel, who was Swedish added politely.

'Anyways, we is very sorry to disturb you but Barbie - I mean, Barbossa - wants you to have dinner with him.' Spaghetti flushed deep red, embarrassed by his big fat mouth. How, oh how, did he let Barbossa's private nickname slip?

'Noooooo!' Elizabeth screeched rudely.

'And he send you somezing nice for wear,' Intel answered.

It was a Kermit the Frog outfit, complete with eye holes and a banjo.

'You can tell the captain I am disinclined to aquiest to his request,' Elizabeth read from the script someone helpfully shoved in front of her nose.

'He said you'd say that. And he said to remember we are morons. He also said if that be the case, you will dine with the crew. And ye'll be wearing a cheeseburger costume.'

'Freaky,' Elizabeth sighed, shaking her head. 'Where did tha cheeseburger costume come from?'

'Oh, ve nick from a guy name Norrington,' Intel said vaguely. 'So, what's your choice?'

Elizabeth grabbed the Kermit costume like lightning. 'I'll dine with the captain! I'll dine with the captain!'

In the private dining room of Captain Barbossa, Elizabeth was looking at the food. She politely took a bite of approximately 0.002 grams.

Barbossa told her to quit being picky. 'You will make the viewers nauseous. How can they stuff their faces with popcorn while you take tiny bites like that?'

So Elizabeth grabbed some and shoved it in her mouth.

'I didn't say eat like a complete pig,' Barbossa said. 'Now you're being a smartass.'

Elizabeth gulped some wine but refused an apple.

'This is a DISNEY FILM,' she screeched. 'Have you never seen Snow White, you Granny Smith you?'

Barbossa rolled his eyes. 'Banana then?'

'Oh, piss off. I want to talk about blacksmiths.'

Barbossa's attention was drawn to the director, who was waving angrily.

'No, we have to talk about the medallion so the audience aren't confused.'

'Alrighty,' Elizabeth said.

'Ye don't know what this is, do ye?' Barbossa whispered ghoulishly.

Elizabeth thought. 'Weeeeeeeeeeeell. I have established it's not chocolate. Because I did try to eat it and nothing happened.'

'Aztec gold. One of 882 pieces delivered to Cortes. Blood Money, to - '

'I thought the shiny gold stuff might be wrapping paper, like on Christmas chocolate money,' Elizabeth interrupted rudely.

'To stem the slaughter. Slaughter he wreaked upon them with his armies. But the greed of Cortez was insatiable - '

'Silly bugger. I never take more than my fair share, and I always have Fairtrade. The poor man obviously liked chocolate money.'

Barbossa told Elizabeth that he would burn her chocolate supply as fuel if she didn't shut up.

'But you're using big words,' Elizabeth whined.

'Alright, fine. We nicked some purty gold medallions, and now we are cursed. Cursed until we put all the medallions back and put some blood in.'

'Why?' Elizabeth demanded.

'Because...I don't know!' Barbossa was getting irritated.

Elizabeth looked out the window and saw some skeletons.

'Oh no, they are OAP seventies blingers!' she shrieked.

Barbossa kicked her out the door. 'Yes, we are cursed when the moon comes out, and the disco night begins. And you have to give us some blood.'

'Well, you should have thought of that before you took the purty gold!' Elizabeth shrieked.

'It wasn't my fault, it was the sixties back then!' Barbossa said heatedly. 'We've returned every last afro wig, every last John Travolta suit. And now, we return this. We are cursed men, Kermit, cursed men. For too long I've been parched of thirst and nobody's made me a cup of tea! For too long I've been starving, and nobody can find any cheese! I feel nothing, not a punch on the nose or the warmth of a cheeseburger suit.'

As he was saying this, Barbossa came through the door transformed as a sixties rocker.

'You'd best start believing in Saturday Night Fever, Miss Turner. You're in one.'

Elizabeth screeched and locked herself in the cabin as the pirates launched into a glitzed up version of 'Summer Nights' from Grease. She gradually fell into a terrified sleep, amidst cries of 'Tell me more, tell me more,' and 'It was my turn to be Sandy!' (from Spaghetti.)