CHAPTER 15: '882 MEDALLIONS, SITTING IN THE CHEST.'

Elizabeth sung the song again.

'882 medallions sitting in a chest

882 medallions sitting in a chest

And if one medallion fell out of my vest

881 medallions sitting in a chest'

etc, etc.

Suddenly Barbossa opened the door and went 'HEllOOOOOOoooooOOOOOooOo!' which scared Elizabeth out of her mind and made her sit on the skellymonkey.

It was time for the ritual thing.

...

The sailors were having a karaoke contest. All singing a jazzed-up version of 'Fame!' they failed to notice that the ship had crashed into a rock.

'Look! The ship has broked!' Will said excitedly, dancing a jig.

'Oh, lobsters and earwax,' Jack cursed. 'Now we must go to yonder cave in search of wood.'

'What if the worst should happen, Cappy chum?' Gibbs said, sobbing.

'Keep to the code.'

'Keedoke,' Gibbs said, looking at the bit in the code book which said 'He who falls behind is left behind' and nodding.

So Jack n Will, our dynamic duo, went ashore.

...

'What is the worst happen code?' Will said.

Jack sighed. 'No Will. What have we talked about? Explain...it...properly.'

'The code and the book says that worser happens.'

Jack hit him. 'WHAT?'

'What code? What is the code?'

'Those who fall behind must be found and given spaghetti hoops,' Jack said.

'Are you sure that's the bit Gibbles was looking at?' Will said worriedly.

'Oh yes,' Jack answered cheerfully.

...

It was in the cave.

'Pirate chums!' Barbossa said. 'Begin ye the sacred ritual that will lift our curse!'

The pirates all did a jig, turning in circles as they hopped madly in a dangerous yet hypnotizing dance, a piece of cinema history.

'Begin ye the sacred chant!' Barbossa said.

The pirates gathered into 'Ensemble Cast Finale' positions. They launched into a song about mouldy bananas, which turned into a wild, jazzy, blurred version of Night Fever. They continued to hop but added in other dances: pieces of scrambled ballet and breakdancing.

Then Barbossa cut Liz's hand and she said 'Ow, you bastard.'

...

Meanwhile Will knocked Jack out with an oar. Will beamed. He was a big grownup. He could do the mission all by himself.

He burst into the cave and grabbed Liz, then ran away. The pirates were concussed from breakdancing so they just giggled and waved.

Barbossa started yelling 'STOP them!!! STOP THEM!!!' but the pirates giggled even more at his beard.

...

Liz had grabbed the medallion on her way out the cave. So they went back to the ship. Elizabeth told the crew they were pirates and then saw Mr Gibbs. 'Oh, you're the smelly one who sleeps in pigstys!' she said.

'I am indeedy,' Mr Gibbs said.

Then Mr Gibbs said, 'Where is Jack?'

'I hit him on the head with an oar, so he is unable to come back to the ship which is all my fault. So I propose we leave him there,' Will said and the crew sailed away.

...

Back in the cave Jack came out and started confusing the pirates.

'Kill that man,' Barbossa said.

The pirates paused and waited for Jack to stop Barbossa from letting them kill him.

They waited five minutes.

Ten.

Fifteen.

Half an hour later, Jack went 'I know who's blood you need.'

'Who?' Barbossa said.

'That's a secret,' Jack said.

'Tell me,' Barbossa said.

'No,' Jack said.

'Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?' Barbossa whined.

'No.'

'Pretty pleeeeeease? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, Jackie? Remember that time, before we was pirates and we went to kindergarten!!!! It was fun!!! And you stole my dinosaur toy! And we were best buddies and we had a sandpit! A SANDPIT! Tell me Jackie!!! Go on!!!'

'You suck,' Jack said.

Barbossa tried to bring up some more childhood memories. 'And remember that time when your mom made cupcakes? And it was snowing? And we built a snowman and called him Geoff after your dad? And when he came home from the office he bought us staples?'

Jack stared at Barbossa.

'And there was that time in third grade when we shared a birthday cake? And your mom wrote 'JACKIE SPARROW AND BARNEY BARBOSSA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' on it in red icing? And we had a party!'

Jack turned to leave.

'Jackie!' Barbossa yelled. 'Jackie! Listen! Remember when I told my parents I was leaving home to be a pirate and they went nuts, 'cause my dad had got me a job at the office filing and mending the photocopier? And you let me come on your ship? And I was first mate Barney? Remember Jackie?'

Finally Jack turned around. 'Ok. You have five minutes to negociate a deal with me about the medallion. Happy now?'

Barbossa burst into tears of joy.