Chapter 17: That's Right. This one. The one you've been waiting for...

CHAPTER 17: THE FAMOUS FIVE. FOUR. TWO EVEN

So, Jack and Liz waded ashore. Liz spat out a lobster, three fish and a small guppy distastefully.

'Gawd, I hate the ocean,' she said.

'Really?' Johnny said.

'Yeah. Now, escape. I don't like islands.'

'But this island is cool,' Jack frowned.

'Look. How did you escape last time?'

Jack shrugged. 'I don't remember. I think I made a plane out of coconut wreckage.'

There was a long pause.

'Right,' Jack said.

'There's nothing to doooooooooooo!' Elizabeth howled.

A waiter rushed up to them. 'Gleetings, me fellow tooooouristes,' he said in a wonderful amazing accent. 'I cans get yous a drink, no?'

'Yeah. I'll get...er...yeah, get us a tequila sunrise, Antonio. And maybe a glass of milk and a cookie for Liz here, eh?'

Antonio nodded and rushed off to the bar.

'Alright then,' Jack said. He went over to a helpful stand by a palm tree and got a map and a few brochures. 'Now, there's a Limbo Evening tomorrow...and they've got the best Beach Boys tribute band playing Saturday...what do ye think, Elizabeth?'

Elizabeth burst into tears.

'How about a game of volleyball then?' Jack said. He waved to three happy holiday makers, all grinning with scary happiness, throwing an inflatable beach ball over a volley ball net.

'I wanna go hoooo-oooooo-oooome!' Elizabeth howled.

In the end, Jack dragged her off to a deserted corner of the island after the tourists complained about the noise. He gave her a Cornetto to shut her up and then went back to the bar to order some rum.

Later, Jack and Elizabeth sashayed back to the dancefloor. It was a total party. The bar was open and the palm trees were decorated in twinkly lights. Everyone danced to the funky calypso music playing.

'Well, what do you think, luv?' Jack said.

'I'm thinking it's a PAR-TAY!' Elizabeth screeched loudly, causing several happy tourists to spill their drinks.

'Mmmm...' Jack said, agreeing and backing away.

Finally all the tourists went back to their hotels, dragging their screaming two year olds away from the fairy light wires. Jack and Elizabeth stayed though. They carried on dancing until Jack drunk enough rum to make himself unconscious. Elizabeth sighed and fired the barman.

...

Jack woke up to some odd sounds.

'OH MY GOD!!! RUN! RUN!!'

'EVERYONE GET INTO THE HELICOPTER. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY EVACUATION.'

'GRINS&JOLLITY HOLIDAY CO ARE EXTREMELY SORRY FOR THIS SETBACK. PLEASE BE ASSURED WE WILL BE IN TOUCH SOON. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.'

'MARLENE! MAAAARLENE! RUN BACK AND GET THE BLOODY CAMERA! GO! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!'

'BARNEY, LET GO OF MUMMY'S HANDBAG. STOP IT! JUST GET ON THE BLOODY HELICOPTER. COME ON, YOU HORRIBLE CHILD!'

'WOW...FRED. CANS WE TAKE A PHOTO TO SHOW THE FOLKS BACK HOME?'

There was also the confusing sound of flames crackling. Jack sat up and realised the whole island was on fire. Scared tourists were being hurried into helicopters. The bar was burned to a crisp. Elizabeth was standing, grinning evilly and holding several sticks of dynamite, matches, and rum.

'Why has the rum gone?' Jack asked, confused.

'I burnded it!' Elizabeth lisped proudly. 'You horrible pirate.' she added for viewing sake.

'Why, Belizabeth?' Jack said in a hungover voice.

'Beeeeeeecause, I don't like rum. And I thought if I set the island on fire...Daddy and Norry will see us!'

Jack stared at her. 'It's a civilised place, Elizabeth. I booked our flight last night, you stupid cow. So you decided, rather than use the payphone or just get the plane tomorrow, or send out a signal using the flashlight at the top of the island...you would just burn the whole island down.'

'Yup,' Elizabeth nodded.

'This island is a branch of Grins&Jollity Holiday co. Its worth millions of doubloons. And now they have to pay all the tourists compensation AND lose their entire branch,' Jack said slowly.

'Hey, I don't like tourists,' Elizabeth shrugged.

Suddenly there was a loud zoom. Jack and Elizabeth rushed down to the beach to look.

It was a James Bond style speed boat. At the front stood Norry, changed into a multi-coloured tropical shirt with new sunglasses on his face, his hair gelled into spikes (which was a big mistake as he had decided to gel the wig. The spikes stood up half a metre into the air.) He was bobbing his head in a COOL FASHION as he crested across the waves, giving a offhand nod and grin to the tourists. Nobody had the heart to tell him that he looked a total prat.

'Elizabeth, darling!' he shouted, waving frantically, then paused. 'I mean...hey, Liz, babe. Whats hangin'?' The tourists laughed at his posh accent.

'Oh look, Granny, they hired some entertainment to keep us happy in the delay!' a woman said, clapping her hands with excitement. 'I just luuuuurve clowns!'

Norry spun the boat round fast but managed to catapult himself off the side. He crawled up the beach, spitting out seaweed.

'We've come to rescue youuuuuu!' he said, crushing her in a hug.

'And to arrest you, you pirate moron,' he said to Jack, who sighed. Here they went again.