Chapter 18 (carried on)

A week passed, and then a fort night and then a month and Lily and Rubin were still meeting up. Their friendship had grown but not in the way of a best friend, but something more. Lily hadn't heard from James, in fact they hadn't spoken since the thorn incident unless small talk was forced upon them.

Lily and Rubin were moving to new ground though it hadn't been breached by either. They were in a type of no-man's land. Neither one knows what to do even though they know what they want. It was common knowledge around the school that things were starting to heat up around them. There was even a bet going for when and where they would finally admit their feelings first. The hot bets were in the library, while 'studying', this coming Friday night. This Friday was significant because it was Rubin's 18th and then he would go home for the holidays as it was mid December already. Time had flown.

Needless to say James hadn't taken this new development well.

He had slipped back into old habits and new girls. He had even started with the Slytherins. Whenever Sirius or Remus objected he would just shrug and say something like 'at least they know it's no strings attached.' He would stay away from the Gryffindor common room and never visit the Head Girl and Boy quarters. They were like torture to him. Every time he stepped into there he could sense her presence even if she wasn't actually there. If he breathed in deeply he could smell her perfume, if he touched something soft it would feel like she did in his dreams and if he closed his eyes long enough he could even see her. Pure. Torture.

After he had slept with a girl, no not slept, fucked. He only fucked girls now. Rough on them and himself as if punishing them for what they were doing. But that never stopped him, or her for that matter, whoever she was. It only drove him in, driving him further into this madness to find something to fill this hole in his heart, his soul, his existence.

But it never worked.

It only made it worse.

Anyway, after sleeping with this girl, he would send her away from his sight as if repulsed. Then he would stare at his hands and body with…something in his eyes. Revolt, disgust, take your pick. Next he's go to the showers and not come back for at least three quarters of an hour. He'd just stand there, like the living dead, staring at the wall, not noticing when the water was too hot or too cold. He was numb; he was a shell of the man he used to be. Oh yes, Sirius and Remus had seen it, and so had everyone else. Teachers, students, his parents and even animals. But that wasn't the worst of it. Once a month when Remus would transform James would turn into Prongs and jump on the wolf, begging for a fight. And he would get it. But he wouldn't win. Oh no, he never won. Instead he'd spend the next few days in bed healing.

He was in a walking coma and there was only one thing, or person that could revive him.

And that was her.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Lily was waiting in the library for Rubin; her stomach had been filled with some sort of emotion. Kind of a mix between anxiety and anticipation. Butterflies would be born and then turned into stone by some magical force and then land heavily at the pit of her stomach. Or at least that's what it felt like. She wrung her hands as she sat at her and Rubin's table. Tonight would be the night, she knew it now. She would give Rubin their first kiss together. But why the hell was she so anxious about some silly little kiss? What was so terribly thrilling yet unnerving about some little thing?

'Maybe it's because I like him so much. I mean he's a gentleman, he's bright, he's sensitive, he's in Ravenclaw and it doesn't hurt that he's terribly good looking…he's everything I wanted all those months ago…no, and now, I still want him now! Come on Evans, this is what you wanted, this is going to be the perfect boyfriend for you, don't mess it up now!' She was startled out of her trance by a familiar voice calling her name. It was Rubin. Once again the butterflies turned into stone.

"Hey Lily, sorry I'm late. I had to hand in a report to Monoghen." He said silkily while walking, no gliding, towards her. She smiled warmly, premonitions forgotten as she looked into those eyes of his.

"Hey yourself, and I suppose you can be forgiven for leaving me here sitting alone." She sighed dramatically and lifted a hand to her brow. His rich laughter sounded through the library until he got shushed by Madam Pince.

He took Lily's hand gently from her brow and into his own.

"Come on, let's go." He whispered softly, dangerously close to her ear.

"Go where?" she asked giggling slightly.

"It's a surprise…trust me."

"Shouldn't I be the one surprising you on your birthday?" she asked questioningly.

"Well, technically you should, but we don't need to conform tonight. Let's be anarchists! Be exciting!" he said, the excitement clearly showing in his voice.

"Oh my, is a Ravenclaw suggesting that studying isn't fun?" she teased lightly. Once again he blushed slightly and once again she inwardly gushed, but it had a hint of something else in it, like a squirmy feeling.

"Come on, let's go." He said, and without further questions or teasing she followed him through the corridors and into the grounds. He kept on walking and she kept on following until they reached a blanket with a basket on.

'A picnic, how cliché…no, no, it's romantic, just like I wanted.' Mentally shaking herself she went and sat down next to him.

"Uh Rubin, isn't it a bit cold to have a picnic tonight?"

"Oh right, sorry hang on." He pulled out his wand and cast a heating charm over the two of them.

He hesitantly put his arm around her and she naturally shrank into his embrace. They sat like that for a while and then started to eat and talk. About everything and anything. She loved it, and she could tell that he did too. Lily once again felt the stone butterflies live again and flutter around in her stomach. Anticipation was starting to take hold.

They had finished their picnic and once again she slipped into his embrace. They had both been dancing around the subject but there was no avoiding it now. He inhaled deeply.

"Lily…" he started hesitantly.

"Rubin?"

"Um, I know you can probably guess this by now, you're an extremely clever woman, but I really like you as in more then just the platonic way. I feel that, uh, well I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I think that, well will you be, um, will you-"

Lily silenced him with a kiss. She poured as much passion as she could into it. She ran her hands through his soft hair and down his arms and linked them round his neck.

He kissed timidly at first but getting more into it. His hands started to travel, went over some of her most sensitive spots. But no.

Nothing.

She opened her eyes and pulled away. His lips were swollen from the kiss and his chest was heaving from lack of breath and he looked more gorgeous and breathtaking then he ever had but it just wasn't enough. Why? Where were the fireworks and light headed feeling? The feelings that she got ten fold with her last kiss.

"It's not fair." She whispered out loud.

"Sorry Lily, but what's not fair?" he asked still slightly breathless.

"What's going on with me and you, it's not fair on you. I'm sorry Rubin, but I can't be with you, not like that." She saw the pain flash across his features that she loved so much but not at all. She realised it now, she had used him and to no avail.

"But, but I thought you felt for me?" his voice cracked, complete confusion and hurt in his eyes.

"I thought I did too. I'm so sorry Rubin. You're too good a man for me." She whispered and held her hand up to his cheek. He leaned in to the touch ever so slightly.

"It's okay, I'd rather have found out now then, then further down the line." He looked down to his hands and started to inspect his nails.

"Sorry Rubin, but I have to go, I'm really tired, all I want to do is curl up with a book…but, can we still be friends?" she asked hesitantly. Suddenly a flash of memory came before her and James Potter's voice echoed in her head.

"I love you Lily, but I can't just sit and watch you get on with your life with me as an extra wheel. As the 'good friend'. I need more then that, I need you. But I'm not going to get that, so no. We can't be friends. I couldn't handle that. Good Bye Lily."

She flinched and waited for his answer.

"Of course my flower, I wouldn't have it any other way." He replied softly.

Tears filled her eyes at his answer, she was overwhelmed by the gratefulness she felt for him at that moment.

"Thank you." She croaked, still fighting back the tears. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and stood. She left him sitting there while she made her way back to the common room.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Sirius and Remus were sitting with their respective girlfriends in the Head's quarters. They were having a laugh together when the door opened. They all turned to see James Potter walk in without a girl on his arm.

"Prongsie mate! I thought you were on a date?" Sirius called cheerfully across the common room.

"No, no, I was meant to be but then I thought Hey! I haven't done any homework in a while so I cancelled and decided to do some. But I couldn't find a quill at my place so I thought I could borrow one off of Remus as he's always been the organised one of us and-"

"Woah! Slow down! Take a breath, Merlin your happy, what's gotten into you?" Sirius asked jokingly.

"Nothing, I just really need a quill." He looked around his eyes darting back and forth. Remus watched the whole scene with careful eyes.

"I think there may be one under or behind the sofa or something, Lily dropped it ages ago, don't know if she ever picked it up." Remus offered slowly.

"Thanks Remus, you're such a good friend, good friend." He rambled on while searching the sofa.

"Nope, no way is there a quill behind here, but there's parchment, and Merlin knows I need parchment to do homework, couldn't write them on my boxers and hand them in could I? Haha, the look on Monoghen's face if I did that... hang on this parchment has already been written on." He trailed off into silence as he started to read the parchment but was interrupted by Remus.

"Say Prongsie, have you by any chance been buying anything new off of the smallest Diggory?" he asked casually.

"No, no no, not the smallest. The biggest… Amos…Amos what a strange name… he let me have a trial run with these new things. Said they don't harm you. Just make you alert and take your mind off things."

Remus's jaw clenched.

'Oh no, please let him not have fallen for that.'

Sirius must have seen the concern and fear etched into Remus's features because it was him who asked James the question.

"James mate, what exactly did you take?" he asked cautiously.

"Pills, little while ones, two of them. They had hearts on, and smiley faces, they make my hurts go away." James looked like a little lost boy as he stood there with his eyes darting around on their own volition while holding a crumpled piece of parchment.

James tuned everyone out and started to read the parchment again. It took a while, but soon it started to sink in. When he read the conclusion he felt his heart wrench and his throat tighten. He suddenly didn't feel as happy as he had moments before. He read the conclusion over and over.

'Now that all the possibilities have been measured up I can safely say that the reasons for which I shouldn't go out with James seem to over power those that say I should go out with him. So for conclusion I have decided that I must get over these feelings I have for him by finding someone new. Someone more like me. I know that this will help me to forget about James.'

"She had feelings for me, she did this…on purpose." He whispered to himself.

"Prongsie mate, are you okay? What's happened, what does the parchment say?" Sirius asked while slowly edging over to him. He knew what James had taken and he knew the effects. Emotions were multiplied ten fold as were senses. He didn't want to startle him. He was already in a state.

At that moment Lily walked in through the doors. James spun around to see her and she immediately saw him and the torment in his eyes. He looked down and she followed his gaze. She saw the parchment.

"Oh no, James, no…I…" she started to stutter but decided against talking altogether when she saw him drop the parchment as if it was burning him.

He took one look at everyone else and then at Lily, his gaze lingering. Then he fled. He ran out of the common room and ran towards the grounds. He couldn't wait so he changed into his animagus form before he had left the castle. He was gone in a flash.

Sirius had straight away bolted after him but was in no way any match for a full grown stag. Prongs disappeared along with James.

"FUCK!" Sirius shouted into the darkness of the corridors. If only he could get outside quicker then he could track James by his scent. As soon as he burst through the doors he transformed, he immediately picked up his scent and ran after it. It seemed as though James was heading into Hogsmeade.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Back in the common room Lily who had still been crying from her first situation tonight broke down into tears and ran into her room. Jess and Roxie tried to follow her but found that she had locked the door and sealed it with a spell. It was no use.

Remus who had been left on his own in the main common room walked over to the piece of parchment and picked it up. He started to read it and his stomach dropped.

"Oh Lily, how could you be so foolish."

Jess and Roxie came up behind him.

"What are we going to do?" Jess asked softly.

"There's nothing we can do. I won't be able to go after James or Sirius now as I won't be able to catch them and I don't think Lily's going to be coming out. I think the only thing we can do is wait until morning, and until then get a good nights sleep. Merlin knows we all need it after that little episode."

The girls nodded. Roxie made her way back to Gryffindor common room and into Sirius's bed. Jess and Remus went to bed in his room. And they did the only thing they could. They waited.

A/N: WOW! A LOT HAPPENING IN THAT CHAPTER! I MADE IT LONGER AS I DECIDED THERE WAS NO APPROPRIATE PLACES TO STOP EXCEPT FOR QUITE SOON IN SO IT WAS EITHER GOING TO BE SHORT OR LONG! OBVIOUSLY I CHOSE THE LATTER! I HOPE ALL LOADS WELL, AND ALSO TO NEW READERS, I MESSED UP THE UPLOADS AT ONE POINT AND CHPATER 17 REPLACED CHAPTER1! IF YOU READ IT LIKE THAT THEN IT'S ALL BEEN SORTED!

SORRY IT'S SO ANGSTY! IT WILL TURN REAL SOON! I'M NEARLY DONE WITH THE STORY!

READ AND REVIEW!

LUV YA!

SNAKE XX