A/N: WOW, I'M SOO SORRY IT HAS TAKEN A WHILE FOR ME TO UPDATE BUT I'VE BEEN REALLY BUST LATELY AND A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON.

!!!!!ALSO A WARNING!!!!! THERE IS MENTION OF SOME PRETTY NASTY STUFF IN HERE, SERIOUS DRUG ABUSE AND MENTION OF SEXUAL THEMES ARE INCLUDED. YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED.

SO WITHOUT ME CHATTING FOREVER IN MY A/N, I'M JUST GOING TO SAY ON WITH THE SHOW…

Chapter 19

Sirius was hot on James trail, he had caught up slowly but surely while running so fast he felt his heart would burst.

'Come on, come on! I've nearly got you! Oh God, please let him not be so fucked when I catch him.' Sirius rounded a corner coming ever closer to his bounty. He stopped. His scent was so strong here; it was as if he was standing right there in front of him. But if that was the case where the hell was he?

Sirius transformed out of his animagus form and back into his human form. He looked around, no, James definitely wasn't here. There was only one explanation. He had apparated.

"No...Shit he can't be gone." Sirius muttered to himself.

"James?" he called.

No reply.

"James? JAMES?" He yelled not caring that it was dark and people were probably trying to sleep.

"JAMES?!"

Still no reply.

He thought of all of the possible places that James would've gone to.

'Shrieking shack? No, he went too far for that. Flaming Bolt? Unlikely, there's the age barrier and that's also further into town. The Three Broomsticks? No that's in the other direction.'

All possibilities ruled out Sirius knew that the only option left was the one he knew was the answer all along.

James was gone.

"FUCK!!" He screamed into the night, frustration taken over he transformed back into Padfoot and ran back to the castle.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Lily lay collapsed on her bed, numb from feeling. She didn't know what else she could do. The tears had been spent so crying wasn't an option, not that she wanted to cry anyway, that just made her feel weaker. It would also prove that she was still capable of harbouring feelings and emotions.

She didn't want that either.

She thought of Rubin and the hurt in his eyes when she had pulled away from the kiss. Even though she hadn't said it out loud she knew he had heard it. It echoed from her body language.

'Nothing, I felt nothing for everything I wanted…what I thought I wanted anyway.'

Then she thought of James. He was in a state when she had seen him. His eyes were as wide a house elf's eyes while he read a piece of parchment. That piece of parchment. Lily had recognised it as soon as she saw it. How on earth could she have forgotten about that? That should have been burnt as soon as it was written.

She would've smacked herself on the forehead if she had had the energy, but she didn't, so she lay there, frozen.

James's face and flee when he had read the parchment had wrenched her insides and been imprinted onto the back of her eyelids. She would see it when she closed her eyes, and feel it when they were open.

However, the feeling she had received when she realised what was going on intrigued her. She felt like she had betrayed him and she was ridden with guilt. She knew exactly what he was feeling, she had felt the same back in forth year. They had effectively kept the scenario but switched places and the object which was the cause of pain.

'But I suppose it's all the same really.' Lily thought to herself. 'He was everything I thought I didn't want when all I could think about was him. How's that for logic?'

She exhaled slowly and her mind inexplicably turned to the kiss that they had shared in Hogsmeade. The rush of emotion that she had felt at the moment of the kiss returned to her but was accompanied with a fresh wave of guilt. It was at that moment that realisation dawned on Lily and everything slotted into place.

'He's everything my mind doesn't want, yet everything my heart screams for. It's like that stunt I pulled at the beginning of the year, it was to get him to notice me, to notice that I was ignoring him, like he had me for so long. But he had ignored me because he thought I didn't care, that I wasn't interested. But that's what I thought as well. To quote Shakespeare, 'O what a tangled web we weave!' I can't believe that for all this time I've had feelings for him. And now that I've ruined it I'll never get a chance, how could he forgive me? I never forgave him, but that will change from now. God I hope he forgives me, if he doesn't I don't know what I'll do… I love him, I always have. I just didn't know it.'

She sighed deeply and closed her eyes. Trying to detect what it was inside of her that was aching, a constant dull throb that grew with every stroke. She almost laughed when she immediately realised what it was and how simple the answer was.

It was her heart, aching for James Potter once more.

And just when she thought the tears had all been spent.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

James apparated into the middle of a wild scene. The music playing had such a heavy baseline to it he could feel it vibrating through him as he stood there looking around. And what a sight it was. People were dancing on the floor, on chairs, on tables, he could see someone throwing up out of the window, he could hear people laughing hysterically in the corner and he saw people having sex behind the sofa. He fought down the nausea that rose, that was just plain wrong. He needed to find Amos. He needed him to give him more of those painkillers, the little white ones with hearts on.

He liked them, they made him feel special.

He wondered around the apartment still in a slight drug induced haze. Yes, he could start to feel his heart ache again, definitely time for more painkillers. He wondered into the kitchen and there by the stove heating up a white substance was Amos's flat mate Leo. James ambled over and fell onto the kitchen surface next to Leo, pushing a countless number of empty bottles to the floor. Leo turned around at the noise and locked his eyes onto James.

"Dude? Dude! James dude! How's it going little buddy? What you here for? Surely you don't need a new stash already? Surely my partner in crime has you sorted out at school?!" said Leo without turning around for longer then three seconds.

"I need more of those painkillers, my heart hurts." James slurred. Leo's brow creased, he was clearly confused.

"Painkillers? Painkillers…Oh shit! Yeah, fuck dude, you gotta go easy on them, you can't overdose on the, uh, painkillers. And what do you mean your heart hurts?"

"Lily, LILY! You fuckwit butt munch! Lily makes my heart hurt now give me painkillers….please…please." James trailed off into silence, his eyes still darting around taking in his surroundings.

"Okay man, okay. Look, come through to my bedroom, I keep some in there."

Leo made his way through the crowd and James followed him with only one eye open. He didn't like this scene. He walked into the bedroom and Leo found what he was looking for while James sat in a stupefied state on the bed. He held his hand out while Leo gave him the pills.

He saw Leo take a pill and saw the effects immediately kick in. His eyes went out of focus and he looked… bad. He watched as he slowly lay down and smile at James.

"I love you, dude, I love you so much right now."

It was scary what drugs could do to a person.

James put the pills back onto the bed and thought about what his friends would say, what his teachers would say, his parents, Lily…Lily. There was that pain again. James picked up the pills and threw them down his throat. Ten minutes later he stumbled out of the room and joined the party.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Sirius had made it back to the Head's quarters in record time and was at the moment watching Remus pace around the room. Jess and Roxie were still asleep and they didn't want to worry the girls so they hadn't woken them up.

"Alright, so if I were a heart broken James where would I go?" Remus muttered to himself.

"You forgot to add jacked up on Ecstasy Moony." Sighed Sirius. He still couldn't believe that James had taken it. But the way he had spoken about it suggested he didn't know what he was taking.

"True… you know what? When this whole ordeal is though I'm going to kick Amos's arse to fucking Australia and back." Remus growled, still pacing.

Sirius's eyebrows raised into his hairline. Remus never swore unless he was scared or really angry. Sirius guessed he was a bit of both. He knew that he himself was. Sirius carried on thinking, where would he go. Then it struck him. It was so simple! He'd go where the pain would be healed. Ice cold panic shot through him.

"FUCK! He's going to be at Amos's place! His flat mate was having a party, he invited us along but he warned me that it'd be heavy so I didn't even bother thinking about it."

"Holy shit! You mean Leo? What if he takes anything else? He's tripped out enough as it is! FUCK!" Remus yelled.

"That's it. I'm going into Hogsmeade again. I can get there quickly in my dog form, but obviously you can't transform. I'll apparate from there. I may be a while getting James back though. Look, could you get water and a bed ready, and then go get James cloak and keep an eye out for us. We need to get him back in the castle and if he's in a state we need to get him hidden." Sirius's eyes burned with determination. They would get their friend back by morning if it meant staying out all night.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Sirius had made it all the way to Hogsmeade without a problem and had apparated as soon as he was able to. He appeared right in the middle of the party and was shocked by what he saw. He liked to party, he always had. But this was sick, and not in a good way. His eyes scanned the room for James or anyone familiar when he heard someone calling his name. It was Leo.

"Yo man, come to join the party?" he asked laughing while he grabbed Sirius into a bear hug.

"No, I've come to take James away, now where is he? I know he's here, and where the fuck is Amos?" Sirius asked, his voice as hard as stone.

"Amos? Amos isn't here dude; he hasn't been here for about a month! He's away with his fiancée trying to get cleaned up. I don't know why though, he only ever smokes green. It's not like its harmful or anything." Leo slurred back at Sirius.

"What? Then why the hell did he give James some Ecstasy? That shit's bad dude! I think he sent it through owl post." Sirius watched Leo as he started to giggle.

"Siri man, that wasn't Amos, it was me! But you can't tell anyone, that's our little secret okay?" Leo started giggling again and Sirius felt anger like no other bubble up inside of him.

"It was you?" before he could get an answer Sirius punched Leo with all the force he could, knocking him out cold on the floor. He kicked his unconscious body onto his side and knelt down beside him.

"And that's our little secret, okay Leo?" he looked up from where he was kneeling and saw James standing over him.

"Pads…too much…help…" James hit the floor before he finished his sentence.

-(-(-(-)-)-)-

Remus had done everything Sirius had asked and was now waiting for Sirius to appear with James. He stood under the cloak by the Entrance to the castle shaking although he wasn't cold. Then he saw them. Sirius was running along holding his wand out in front of him. James was floating in front completely out cold. Remus sprinted towards them.

"I got the cloak, put him under." Remus said as he ran beside Sirius.

"No, he needs air while he can get it, and he also needs the hospital wing. He's hardly breathing and his pulse is so slow I sat there for about a minute waiting for it to happen. Look, you take over with the levitation spell and I'll run ahead to the hospital wing." Sirius was about to transform when he heard Remus's voice.

"We can't! He'll be expelled!" he shouted.

"Fuck it Remus! He's about to die on us and he will if he doesn't get professional help! I'd rather see him expelled then in his grave, okay?" Remus nodded.

And with that said Sirius transformed and ran across the grounds as fast as he could.

A/N: WOAH, THIS WAS A SERIOUSLY NASTY CHAPTER, WELL, I PROMISE IT'S GOING TO GET A HELL OF A LOT MORE CHERFULL IN THE NEXT TWO CHAPTERS BACAUSE THIS STORY IS DRAWING TO A CLOSE AND TWO CHAPTERS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT! :-( BUT ANYWAY, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT! SORRY I DIDN'T REPLY TO ALL OF MY REVIEWERS FROM THE LAST CHAPTER BUT I STILL READ EVERY ONE! READ AND REVIEW!

LUV YA!

SNAKE XX