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Ep. 11: Kamatari's moment
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"There you are! We should be starting rehearsals!" Soujiro exasperated.
"Give me a second." Tari sighed looking at the lacey number he had on. He was sitting behind the auditorium overlooking the outdoor courts and watching the sun set.
"In all my years of wearing dresses, this is the first time I'm uncomfortable in one." Soujiro stopped, Tari was rarely serious.
"Why do you do it Tari?" He asked sitting beside his friend, trying not to ruin the velvety balloon pants he had on.
"Wear dresses you mean?" he asked looking sideways at Soujiro as he nodded. "I dunno. Maybe it's coz I like the attention?"
"You used to get that when you played for the basketball team."
"It's different you know? It's like here I am a fag and I don't give a damn! When I was on the basketball team I had to act the part; I was a jock. Jocks couldn't be gay." He smiled remembering Coach Makoto.
"Don't you like playing?"
"I love playing. But its not gonna last." He said sadly. "How many college teams would want a cross-dressing fag on their roster?"
"Is that why you joined up for the play?"
"I joined up for the play coz of you. And now I'm really regretting it."
"Are you really?" Soujiro asked crest fallen.
"No silly!" Tari laughed pinching Soujiro on his side. "I just didn't want to get too comfortable on the team you know? I might end up missing it too much. Plus everyone knows theater boys are gay." He winked at him.
"Oh I can point out a couple of them if you want." He laughed.
"What's the deal with you?" Tari asked. "All these years with out a girlfriend. You MUST be gay?" he laughed.
"Is that what they're saying now?" Soujiro smiled.
"Really Sou. With all those girls and guys that chase after you, why haven't you fallen in love yet?"
"Coz it's not me they're chasing." He smiled sadly. "It's all this, the theatre, the council, the honor roll that's all they're after. It's like my achievements are the only things that matter to them. Those people don't know who I am."
"But Sou you have so many friends?" Tari asked confused at the sadness in his voice.
"Friends? Aside from you guys I don't really have anyone to be me with. And no offense but even you people don't know the real me."
"Maybe its because you don't let us."
"No. Being talented alienates you from people." He stopped. "All of my achievements don't bring me closer to people. Coz it's all they see, they don't notice the person behind those titles, behind those awards." He paused, the usually sunny Soujiro melted away.
"They chase me, tell me they love me and want to be with me. And it's all a joke, coz none of them have seen me. And if they did would they still want what they see? All my life I've lived up to expectations, acting out who they want me to be. Until in the end I've forgotten who I was."
"That's why I love the theater so much. At least I can pretend to be someone else, someone different from pseudo ME that I play so well."
"You've got to give people a chance. How would you know if they would accept you for who you are if you've never shown them the real you?" Tari asked hugging his friend.
"I'm afraid" he said suddenly vulnerable. Tari sighed, he had never seen this side of Soujiro before. All his life he had been an achiever, branded perfect in every sense and yet through it all he was just afraid of failing of being flawed. That was why he made this pseudo identity, where nothing could touch him, where he appeared as perfect as everyone thought he was.
"We're you afraid no one could love you for who you are?" Tari asked gently, stroking Soujiro's head.
"Who would ever love a fake?" he asked, chuckling a little. "That was too melodramatic. I think I've been in the theater too long." He smiled returning to his old self.
"Perhaps you have been." Tari frowned. "You have to leave this theater of yours, leave your character and let us see the real you."
Soujiro looked at his friend. No one had ever understood him. No one had ever seen this side of him. He was grateful Tari was there. Grateful he was his friend. Maybe it was time he left the theater behind.
"Let's go to rehearsal." He smiled.
===
"Aoshi" Tomoe ran up to him before he got into his car.
"Yes?" He stopped.
"Could you give me a ride? Enishi left already." She smiled sheepishly. Aoshi didn't answer. He just threw his gym bag in the back and waited for her to get in with him.
"Enishi should take better care of you." he said stoically.
"Actually I asked him to leave me behind." She said simply. His heart began to beat faster.
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Kenshin closed the door to the faculty room. He was the last one to leave that Friday night so he had to lock the door. From the shadows something moved. Kenshin jumped, caught unaware.
"Who's there?" he called out. From corner emerged Enishi in anger seeping from his every pore. "Oh it's you Yukishiro." He greeted his student.
"Stay away from her!" he slammed his fist into the lockers beside Kenshin's head, denting the metal.
"Why are you so angry? What are you talking about?" the older man asked shrinking away from Enishi.
"I've seen the way you look at my sister!" he screamed inching closer. Something flashed in Enishi's eyes, he looked homicidal.
"Enishi I have no idea"
"Don't fuck with me Himura!" he yelled trying to grab Kenshin who prudently moved away.
"I have never felt anything like this. I don't know what it is but she makes me feel so alive. It's like I actually mattered." He said quietly.
"Shut up!" he slammed his fist once more into the lockers as Kensin dodged the punch.
"I think I'm in love with her." He said apologetically.
"You don't deserve her!"
"You can't choose who you love Enishi." He pleaded.
"So what are you going to do? Keep her here? Make her a housewife?" he laughed. "My sister has a bright future ahead of her. You will not ruin it."
"I never intended to." he said trying to calm Enishi down. "What I feel is wrong I know. I know nothing will ever come of it but I have accepted it and I am ready to let her leave." Enishi stopped, pleased by what he heard.
"Perhaps its time you did the same." He said quietly. Suddenly Enishi's anger flared once more.
"Who the fuck do you"
"You can't tie her to you forever Enishi. You don't own her." Kenshin whispered, the teacher part of him taking over. "You're scared to death of loosing her."
"How dare you"
"That's why you're here now." he finished wanting to go over the younger boy and comfort him. His own admission of love still warm upon his lips.
"Stop it!" he yelled running away from him.
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They had been driving in silence for ten minutes now. She wanted to ask him how he was doing, why he has been so distant with them. Why was it so hard?
"Aoshi" she started swallowing hard.
"Yes?" he asked not taking his eyes off the road.
"What's wrong?" she asked gently.
His heart melted. He was ready to confess his love to her, offer her his heart and wait for the answer he dreaded. He needed to tell her. He needed her to know.
"Nothing." Was all he said.
"Aoshi please, don't insult me by pretending I can't see through you." she smiled at her joke. But he didn't.
They had reached her house and he stopped the car. She looked up. Enishi still wasn't home.
"I thought I was your best friend." She asked sadly.
"You are." He answered.
"What's wrong Aoshi? I want you to tell me what's wrong. I want to help you. Please tell me what's wrong." She asked begging him. Aoshi looked at her, a painful look upon his face.
"Tomoe please, please don't ask me."
===
She almost jumped when she heard someone knock on her window. Kaoru put on her slippers and went over to her balcony. She saw Enishi looking back at her. She opened the glass panels and let him in, confused to why he would turn up this late in her balcony when he could've just entered through the front door.
"Enishi?" she asked.
"Oh Kaoru." He sobbed into her embrace. "She's leavingmy big sister is leaving. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna survive without her?"
She smiled and stroked his back lovingly. Enishi had never shown her this side of him. Never had she seen him so desperate. She could never replace Tomoe in his heart she knew. And she decided she would stop trying.
She loved Enishi. And he loved her for who she was, not who she could be. And for this she loved him even more.
"Shhh I'm here Enishi, its gonna be all right." She whispered kissing his forehead.
===
Rehearsals were done and everyone was so tired, they had started to go home. Tari asked if he could catch a ride with Soujiro since Sano took his car.
"By the way you were great!" Sou smiled. Tari seemed preoccupied with something.
"It's lonely isn't it?" he asked serious.
"What?"
"Remember what we talked about? About you playing your part for everyone?" he reminded him of the talk they had that afternoon. "I just realized we aren't so different."
"What do you mean?"
"I have been playing a part too you see. It's my way of coping with my being gay." He said looking out the window. "This elaborate act was just to stop people from realizing I don't know who I am anymore."
"It's so lonely sometimes." He continued smiling. "We have been playing so many roles that we don't really know who we are sometimes."
"Tari"
"People that are halves of so many things but never really whole." He finished. Soujiro reached over to his friend. This time he was the one that needed comforting. And yet he knew what Kamatari had said was true.
===
Tomoe sat up. She couldn't sleep anyway.
She looked out of the window. She could see Aoshi's light. He was probably studying. She didn't want him to say it. Tomoe knew Aoshi felt differently about her. She knew what he was going to say. And she thanked all her lucky stars he didn't. For she didn't know how what she would say back.
She had never addressed the issue, thinking she will cross that bridge when she came to it. But now the bridge was so close that she didn't know what to do. She didn't know how she would handle it.
She had just started to be fond of Mr. Himura. Seeing him, being with him, made her want to know him more. As if nothing would be simpler than having him in her life. And yet Aoshi fit too.
Something had changed. She had grown used to having Aoshi around that she never really appreciated him. Now that they were apart she felt a deep sadness and a hollow feeling that nothing could fill. Aoshi was her best friend. But was there something more? Can there be something more?
"Do I want something more?" she whispered watching the small light across the street.
She missed him terribly. Every time she saw him sad she wanted to make it all better, wanted to make him smile. She wanted to have dinners with him again, hear him laugh. She wanted to see him score the winning shot and then look at her as if it was meant for her and her alone. Sometimes she just wanted to know what it felt like being surrounded by his arms.
What am I gonna do?
Aoshi turned off his light.
Tomoe sat in the darkness, wishing she could have an answer.
===
"So tonight's the night huh?" Chou smiled draping his arm around Tari.
"Bugger off Chou!" he shouted back a nervous wreck. "Please Sou? Please let's not put on the play?"
"No Tari. We spent too much time on this! Besides you'll be great!" Soujiro smiled writing down last minute adjustments to the lighting.
"Oh Shit. What am I gonna do?"
===
The auditorium was already full. Chou had saved front row seats for all three of them. He said he wanted a full view of Tari's performance, no doubt he'll find anyway that he can make fun of his friend.
Tomoe had arrived and was reading the program. Chou moved over so that the empty seat was beside Tomoe.
Aoshi arrived. The two looked up at him, Chou smiled but Tomoe evaded his eyes.
"Hey I'll just sit in the back. I haven't had a lot of sleep and I might doze off in the middle." He muttered. His lame excuse evident to all three of them. "I'll catch you guys later."
"Chou?" Tomoe asked after Aoshi left, she looked as if she was about to break out in tears.
"It'll be ok." Chou smiled patting her hand. "Now let's just make fun of Kamatari." He winked as the curtains rose.
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"I cannot love you. My heart has forgotten the love it had for you." Soujiro's Cupid said turning away from Kamatari's Psyche in the last scene of the play.
"You lie." He said convincingly. "The heart never forgets."
The music swelled and the curtain was about to drop. Kamatari sighed, relief washing over him. The only thing left was Soujiro's last line.
"Love cannot exist with its soul." he whispered feeling his face with his palm. And slowly he moved his face closer to Tari and placed a tender kiss on his lips.
Kamatari's heart stopped.
===
The cast party was almost finished, everyone was drunk. Tari was sitting on the balcony, away from the noise and the beer. He was still thinking of the kiss. It wasn't supposed to happen, they had agreed. Why did Soujiro do it?
Suddenly the door opened and Soujiro came in and sat beside Kamatari. They smiled at each other, both at a loss for words.
Tari wanted to confront him, wanted to tell him Aoshi would kick his ass for kissing his number one fan, wanted to tell him his hot body was too much for a monk like Soujiro. He stopped. For the first time in his life he wanted to talk to Soujiro as who he really was. Tonight he would stop acting. Just for tonight.
"For one brief moment back there I could've loved you." Tari smiled sadly.
"For one brief moment I did." Soujiro said coming close to his friend and placing a soft kiss on his lips.
And then their moment ended.
"That was nice." Soujiro blushed. "I'm sorry Tari. It was a bad idea."
"Oh." He replied crestfallen.
"I did not mean to hurt you." Soujiro said unsure of what else to say.
He knew it could lead no where. He was leaving for England in a couple of weeks. Besides he wasn't sure if he really was gay. It was just so wonderful to think that somebody else understood him.
"It's ok Sou. For a moment it was wonderful to have someone love me." Tari smiled.
"Yeah it was."
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notes:
This story has taken over a life of its own. I have no more control of it. I have relinquished all responsibility of plot twists and cheezy lines. ;p