THE HAPPY MEDIUM

It was the anniversary of the victory over Sauron, and the King and Queen of Gondor had invited their dear friends from all corners of Middle Earth to share in the celebrations. As the conversation turned to those who had been lost, Faramir remembered the claims of Ioreth that she was able to communicate with the dead. Soon the gathering found themselves seated around a large table in the White Tower - Aragorn, Faramir, Eowyn, Arwen, Pippin, Merry, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Eomer, and Ioreth, whose hands were around the palantir

"Merry," said Pippin, "Why are we holding hands? It's not going to be one of those kind of dos is it?"

"No Pippin," his cousin replied, "It's a seance. We're going to talk to the dead."

Pippin looked confused. "Why would we want to do that?" he asked, "Won't it be a bit of a one-sided conversation?"

"They talk back," said Merry. "Ioreth is a medium."

Pippin chortled. "Don't be daft Merry." He lowered his voice as he looked nervously towards Ioreth. "She's a lot bigger than that."

The young hobbit jumped like a scared rabbit as Ioreth's voice boomed out, "IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

Pippin looked around. "Yes, quite a few of us actua.....OUCH!" He glared at Merry. "What did you do that for?"

"Pippin, shhhh," whispered Merry. "Ioreth is trying to reach the spirits."

Trying to make amends, Pippin tried to attract the attention of Faramir.

"Faramir.......Faramir! Could you pass that bottle of brandy to Ioreth?"

Pippin looked despondent when the only response was a glare from all those present.

"IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?" asked Ioreth again. "Knock once for yes, and twice for no."

Merry grabbed Pippin's clenched fist which was set to knock on the table, before three slow, deliberate knocks were heard.

"That was three," said Pippin, "What does that mean?

"Someone who failed Math?" suggested Merry.

Ioreth's voice once again rang out around the room. "Spirit! Is there anyone here you would like to talk to? Who? Wait - I will see if he's available. Is there anyone here called Faramir?"

The young Steward of Gondor, rolled his eyes. "Yes Ioreth..........."

Ioreth gave a giggle, and slapped him on the leg. "Silly me!" she said, and then added in a whisper, "It's for you.....would you like me to take a message?"

"Why?" Faramir asked, "Who is it?" and he paled when she replied, "It's your dad."

"Shall I say you're not here?" asked Ioreth, as she came over all motherly.

"No, it's OK," Faramir replied, "I'd like to speak to him.......," and he took the Palantir nervously, and put it to his ear, couighing nervously before speaking to his dead father..

"Hello - dad? It's me, Faramir...how are you? We're all well here. Weather isn't too grand though. What? The blonde? She's my betrothed..........yes of course she's from good stock............no she isn't an elf. What's that? Who's the guy with the crown? That's the King Elessar... "

Faramir held the palantir away from his ear as though deafened. After several seconds, he looked at Aragorn.

"Dad sends his regards........sorry dad, what's that, I can't hear you, you're breaking up. Before you go, is Boromir there with you - and mother....oh, you're not with them? You don't know where you are, but the flames from the pyre still haven't gone out......that must be all the crackling I can hear then. Alright then dad, talk to you again soon. Missing you already........."

As Faramir handed the palantir back to Ioreth, he suddenly clasped his hand to his forehead..

Oh troll's b----cks!" he exclaimed, and then looked guiltily at his fiancee."Sorry my love, but I knew I'd forget something.....I meant to ask him where he put his address book. I'm not going to have a clue when it comes to sending out cards at midwinter".

"Wait!" said Ioreth, "I sense another presence. Spirit reveal yourself..........Faramir? You want to talk to Faramir?"

Convinced it was his beloved big brother this time, Faramir took the palantir eagerly.

"Hello, Boromir...is that you......oh, Madril, yes, well I'm sorry about that, but there wasn't much I could have done.....all the confusion and panic....well I've said I'm sorry...........it really wasn't my fault.........I thought you were behind me.........hello....... "

Looking somewhat crestfallen, he handed the palantir back to Ioreth. "He hung up," he said.

"No matter," said Ioreth, anxious to move on before Faramir became maudlin. "I have a queue now anyway. Yes spirit...speak.....you want to speak to who? Faramir?"

There were audible sighs and looks of impatience from those gathered, and Faramir looked embarrassed as Ioreth returned the palantir to him yet again.

"Try not to be long dear...there are others waiting."

"Hello? This is Faramir," said the Prince of Ithilien feeling distinctly uncomfortable. "You're very faint...can you speak up? Boromir! Is it really you?" He looked around the table, a broad smile on his face. "It's Boromir!

The others raised and rolled their eyes, and sighed. It was going to be a long night.

"Yes, I'm well," continued Faramir, "How are you - or is that a silly question? Yes, I miss you too."

"I want to speak to Boromir!" said Pippin, a sentiment echoed by Merry.

"Be quiet!" said Faramir, "No sorry Boromir, not you..........it's Merry and Pippin.......they send their love.......what's that, you're sorry you didn't save them from being captured......well it all worked out for the best actually....the orcs didn't want to kill them, and if they hadn't been captured they wouldn't have met Treebeard and..........yes, well I suppose if you put it like that it was a waste of time.........yes you might still have been alive........that's the way it goes sometimes tho.....oh, don't say you shouldn't have bothered....it was a nice gesture and you regained your honour......no sorry, I shouldn't have said that......yes I'm sure you are trying to forget about what you tried to do to Frodo."

At the mention of his name, Frodo smiled and waved. "Say hello from me, and tell him it's all forgotten...no harm done in the end."

"Did you hear that Boromir?" Faramir asked his brother. "Frodo is here, and wants to be remembered to you....says it's all forgotten. Yes, I suppose it is easier for him to forget, being alive still.......still it wasn't a barrel of laughs for him either......you what? Your heart bleeds? I'm sure it does with the amount of arrows you took. You should have seen what happened to me though......oh, you did......yes thanks, the burns have healed nicely. Is mother there.........oh, she's taken a trip to the sea? That's a shame...but I will try and catch up with her later........oh, nearly forgot, I'm getting married......oh, you know.....yes she is a fine looking woman......look Boromir I'm getting impatient looks so I'd better go for now.....we must do this again. Don't be a stranger OK. Yes, love you too......miss you loads."

Once again, Faramir returned the palantir to Ioreth, as he said sheepishly "That was Boromir." Turning to Eowyn, he was unable to miss the stony look from his intended.

"What?" he said. "WHAT???"

Retaining a look from which Bilbo's trolls would have fled, Eowyn said through gritted teeth, "You - nearly - forgot??!"

"I wanted to talk to Boromir," said Pippin sulkily, as Ioreth once more made contact with a restless soul.

"Yes spirit," she said, "Speak. You wish to talk to who? No, sorry, there's no-one here by that name, but I'll just see if anyone can help. Does anyone here know someone called Estel?"

Aragorn sighed.

"That's me you stupid woman," he said, but as Ioreth gave him a withering look, he added, "Sorry Ioreth, sorry ...I didn't mean it."

Ioreth passed the palantir with a loud huff. King or not, he looked a mere slip of a boy, and she wasn't going to be spoken to like that.

"Hello, this is Estel," said Aragorn, and his face broke into a smile. "Haldir!!! How nice to hear from you. Are you well? Yes shame about your immortality.......yes, I suppose the Undying Lands would have been better.....too many men where you are you say........well that can have its advantages according to some.........the other elves and you have set up your own woodland community? Well that's nice......look Haldir, I never really got time to thank you for helping out at Helm's Deep......yes I'm sure you do wish you hadn't volunteered. Arwen? Yes she's here - you'll see her again one day as she chose a mortal life you know.......what do you mean you thought she had more intelligence than that? Haldir, I know you're upset but there's no need to be rude. Anyway, I'm King now you know.....oh, you do know. What do you mean I haven't been in touch - how can I...what's that...tell Arwen how much you miss and love her?? Is there something you want to tell me Hald........ Ada, is that you? You've come through on a crossed line......I'll get back to you........sorry Haldir, what were you saying....Haldir? Oh, he's gone....."

Returning the palantir to the still offended Ioreth, Aragorn gave a deep sigh.

"Shall we adjourn for a short while?" he asked, "I feel decidedly wearied."

Eomer scowled. "Then Faramir must be exhausted," he said, with a suspicious look at the man who dared to want to deflower his sister.

TBC