Author's Note- Sorry it took me a while to update. I'm feeling a bit under the weather, and my computers been acting up. So hopefully I can get back on track soon.
"Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breath I can't keep going under"
Going Under by: Evanescence
Chapter 12, Going under
This whole week has been an absolute nightmare! After Sirius broke up with me, tons of girls have been all over my back. Everywhere I went, whispers followed. I was in tears most of the time, and when I wasn't I was depressed, and sulking. I refused to speak to anyone.
Isabel seemed to be enjoying this a little too much. She was almost always found hanging off of Sirius, or with a group of girls telling a bunch of made up bullshit. About how Sirius came crawling back to her, throwing himself at her feet. And the other half of her time she enjoyed spreading rumors about me. She makes me sick.
The rest of the Maruaders weren't talking to me either. I guess they were sticking up for Sirius. Nobody would even give me a chance to explain myself and tell the whole story. Receiving dirty looks from them, and pretty much everyone else has become a normal daily thing for me. Ignoring them has become second nature to me. Though that's only on the outside. Inside I was screaming for someone to listen, but no one seemed to care.
Bellatrix has taken to interrogating me in the corridors and outside of class. She has been acting odd. Like not as mean or something. Whatever. I had enough on my plate to worry about besides Bellatrix's new found need of a friendship.
This particular day had been especially bad. I received some pretty nasty comments from James, and a few other girls. I couldn't hold it in any longer and I burst into tears and stormed out of the Great Hall. I went to my dorm, and lay on my bed. My head in my pillow, as I continued to cry.
Just then there was a knock at the door, and the sound of the door slowly opening. Then I heard the sound of advancing footsteps and a pause.
"Go away." I said, not even looking at who it was. I didn't care.
"Jesse." I recognized Lily's voice.
I took a sharp intake of breath. Lily hasn't spoken one word to me since that night in the common room.
"Jesse, please look at me." she said pleadingly.
I slowly lifted my head from the pillow and turned to face her. I can imagine what I must of looked like. Tears streaming down my face, and my eyes red and puffy from crying so much.
"I-we're-well, I want to give you the chance to explain yourself. I don't really think it's fair to treat you like that without knowing the whole story." Lily said, taking a seat next to me on the bed.
"Who put you up to this?" I asked, not really believing what she just said.
"No one. They don't even know I'm doing this." she answered. They, meaning the Maruaders.
"You really want to know?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Well, I was kidnapped by Death Eaters a while ago. My parents were murdered, and I was taken to see Lord Voldemort. He gave me the choice. He said he noticed something about me. Though I know now, why he gave me the choice, but that's a whole different story. Anyways, I could either become a Death Eater when I was of age, or be killed on the spot. Well, I was young and naive, and I saw what they did to my parents. So I agreed."
Lily nodded, listening intently.
"The deal was that I wasn't supposed to see him again until my sixteenth birthday where I will be given a job. Then I wouldn't have to see him again until I turned eighteen. Well, my sixteenth birthday rolled around, and I was transported to a meeting place. He told me that I was to stay away from Sirius Black, James Potter, that whole group. But rather watch them from a distance. See if there are any sudden changes in something. You know, anything suspicious that he should be aware of." I sighed and continued.
"Well, I didn't take it too seriously. And I think he knew that I wouldn't. So he told Bellatrix and Lucius to keep an eye on me. And things led on from there. Look, when I agreed to this I was stupid. But, now I know how much of a mistake it was. I should of just died that night."
"Don't say that." Lily said.
"No! Listen, I wasn't meant to fall in love with Sirius. It wasn't meant to be. But I did! And I love him. But now it's all ruined. I was going to go to Voldemort and tell him I'm out. Whatever that means. He probably will kill me, but at least I won't be betraying the ones I love." I said, starting to cry all over again.
"Oh Jesse. I'm so sorry! I had no idea." Lily said, pulling me into a hug.
"Friends?" she asked as we pulled apart.
"Friends." I replied, smiling for the first time in a week. I finally had someone on my side, and she believed me! Maybe things will be ok. Sirius or no Sirius.
"I swear I was never going to sell you guys to Voldemort."
"I believe you." she said smiling. Her emerald eyes sparkling.
"Sirius hates me." I said, looking down at my hands feeling the tears well up in my eyes again.
"um-He's really mad. If that's what you mean. But I don't think he hates you. He may look like he's getting on fine, but he really isn't. He's depressed, and yeah, angry."
I nodded, a little happy to hear that he hasn't completely gotten over me yet.
"You owe him an explanation." she said softly.
"I know, I've tried. But he won't listen to me!"
"Give him time. He'll come around."
"I hope your right."
"When am I not right?" she asked sarcastically.
We both laughed. It felt good to have a friend on my side. It was almost like old times. Except for this dread that was lurking inside of me at the thought of facing Voldemort, and Sirius. I don't think I could handle being rejected again.
Lily and I talked long into the night. It was nice to have a distraction from what lies ahead of me. Even if it was only for a few short hours. Because, to tell you the truth, I was going under and I'm not sure if I'll be able to come back above the surface once it's too late.
How was it? I hope it was good enough for you to review. Please! I want to get at least one more review than last time! Please!!
Thank yous:
sirius-black-4eva: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it even though it was sad. Your fan fics are coming along great!
moonlight111: Lol! I'm glad you liked it. I promise you can do whatever you want to Isabel when I'm done with her. Thanks again!
siriuszsecretlover: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Your adding my character? Wow, I feel so honored. Thanks!
You guys rock! Thanks! :p