Chapter 2 - Death Wish

Of course, it was the talk of the dinner hour.

Lily Evans blinked back tears of empathy and rage. That idiot James Potter was off high-fiving some of his idiot friends as if they had pulled off the greatest joke of all time, when all they had done was traumatize a lonely and depressed boy already perilously close to total immersion in the Dark Arts.

Lily had known early on that the boy had liked her. She had caught

Snivelly's gaze a few times here and there in the corridors or in the

classrooms. He had always dropped his large dark eyes instantly, too ashamed to actually talk to her, nervously twirling his long locks around his long fingers or dropping his head to hide behind his hair. She might

have been one of the only people at Hogwarts who had actually seen him

smile.

Snivelly was no prize but he was a human being, and he had been treated very badly and by people she knew. Lily suddenly fought an urge to lob a tureen of mashed turnip at Potter and his stud-muffin friend Sirius Black, both of them still mugging and grinning like monkeys at their companions.

Idiots, both of them!

She wondered where Severus was, and noticed that a group of Slytherin seventh-years were absent from dinner. The Slytherin table was ominously quiet, and its students glared at the Gryffindor students with icy and disdainful anger. Lily then looked up, noticing motion at the Head Tables. Both Dumbledore and McGonagall were talking together, and then walking together to speak with the Slytherin Head of House.

She vaguely wondered who had ratted out the Marauders, then turned back to her meal with a loud and distracted sigh.

The turnip was actually halfway decent tonight.

-------------------

Oh gods oh no they saw THEY SAW ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Severus Snape wept in hopeless outrage as he stumbled through the underbrush that marked the forest floor. His nose and forehead were bloody; he had tripped and fallen several times. It would be dark soon. He fervently wished that something with sharp teeth and a strong jaw would snap his neck and end his misery forever.

His brain was starting to function again, and he now recalled a similar

memory.

He had been no more than a toddler when he had escaped the clean towel his mother had held out for him after his bath. Laughing at the trick he had played on his mama, he had raced into the parlor, where his father sat talking to several other wizards of substantial means and influence.

In any other family, a loving father would have caught his small son and swung him into his arms, excusing himself with a chuckle and a knowing wink as he went back into the bathroom to give him back to his mother. But this was a Dark family, and Severus' father was a Dark wizard who possessed a chilling temper in lieu of a sense of humor.

The little boy, unconcerned with his nakedness, had stopped short, looking into his father's scowling face and his young heart falling once he read what was there. He had run back to his mother, but Severus could not recall what happened right after that. What he did remember was the beating he had received later that night. Of course, this punishment had been delayed until after the wizards had finished their tea and had concluded their Dark business.

"Dirty filthy useless brat!" his father had called him, over and over, the

words punctuating his blows. Severus had been too young at the time to understand his father's words, and -- as he recalled the event years later -- he had been unable to fathom how a baby only a year out of diapers could ever be considered dirty or filthy. He also remembered his mother's screams and his own dark eyes rolling back in his head when he finally passed out. The Healers had been summoned, but Severus' father had lied and told them his son had fallen down the stairs.

His father should have loved him, but could not and never would.

Severus now felt waves of old fear running through his thin shoulders as he shivered in the twilight air.

Beating up a three-year-old! Good on you, Father. But compared with whatJames Potter put me through today, your abuse feels like kisses from Mother.

Continuing to thrash through the underbrush as the daylight faded, Severus solemnly accepted the fact that he could never go back to Hogwarts. Not after this. He would never read potions books in his favorite corner of the school library, and would never eat in the Great Hall, not ever again. His young life was over. He resolved that this day would be his last, and if any would-be rescuers came after him to deprive him of his prize, he would make sure it would be theirs as well.

It was amazing what a wand and a little Dark magic could do.

-------------------

Headmaster Dumbledore stood and cleared his throat. It took several seconds for the Great Hall to become quiet, but only that. Everyone seemed to know what the wizard was about to say and was anxious to hear the official word.

"Pardon me for a moment. It seems that one of our students has gone missing; Severus Snape of Slytherin House hasn't been seen since late this afternoon. Right now, members of that House are out looking for him. Until he is found, I regret to inform you that tonight's festivities will be cancelled."

A sudden swell of student voices rippled through the room. Tonight was to have been a party for those who had completed their O.W.L.S.

"I need not remind you that any information you might be able to give about his whereabouts would be greatly appreciated. Understandably, we are quite concerned about him, particularly because it is getting dark."

"Bugger that," hissed Sirius Black.

"That creepy git always ruins everything," the emboldened Peter Pettigrew added.

"We were pretty hard on him, Wormtail. No question about that," said Remus Lupin, looking more fragile than usual.

James Potter sat still, quietly twisting his napkin in his hands.

"What's wrong with you?" Sirius snapped, glaring at James.

"I bet we're going to get in real trouble for this – that's all," Potter

replied.

"We shouldn't," said Peter. "After all, the Headmaster is a Gryffindor. We've spent plenty of time in his office with ol' Snivelly and all that's

happened is the loss of some House points here and there."

"I shouldn't have done it," James muttered. "I mean – what if Snape runs off and kills himself, or something?"

"So what?" Sirius Black said. "It's not like anybody would miss the nasty little snake. Everybody hates him, even his Housemates. If you ask me, it would be good riddance to a lot of bad rubbish."

"Oh, shut your head, Black," growled Lily Evans, who had just now come over to their part of the table. She didn't want to miss the party any more than they did, and blamed them for it. "If something bad does happen to him, remember that you were right there pitching along with James. I was there."

James – who was sweet on Lily -- gave her a wide-eyed look, afraid to say anything or call unwanted attention to himself.

"What are you staring at? Has my face gone green?" Lily huffed. She turned on Sirius. "I'm telling the Headmaster what I saw, and I'm doing it in front of everyone. I don't care. You can all get stuffed."

She turned on her heel and strode to the front of the Hall.

-------------------

Night had fallen, and Severus found himself deep inside the Forbidden

Forest. His thoughts had become as dark as the sky.

Can't go back no I can't not ever oh no

He could have illuminated his path with a lumos charm, but didn't want to drive away whatever creature might be kind enough to end his stupid, useless life.

Fifteen and ready to die oh well

He shivered with cold and shock and decided to sit and rest for a while. Tears continued to slide down his thin face as his father's voice came to

him unbidden.

Crybaby disgrace useless oh yes boy get over here and take what's coming to you like a MAN right NOW

Snape crossed a ravine (no easy task, especially by moonlight) and scrunched down between the roots of a large tree. It was true; his father

had been right for once. He was a crybaby and a disgrace. He tried very hard to stop crying now but the tears kept coming, ebbing and flowing in time with the heavy thuds of dread and shame he felt in his heart. He had suffered all his life; first at home and now at Hogwarts. He had a sudden premonition that his future didn't look terribly bright, either.

He might be one of Hogwarts' best students, but he spent his nights trying to keep the nightmares away and his days trying to keep from crossing the Marauders' path.

-------------------

Unfortunately, their respective paths had converged numerous times lately. The Marauders' last prank involved mealtimes, and had actually made Severus afraid to eat.

Their first transfiguration was lamb stew into raw entrails. Severus had

fled the Great Hall and had been sick in the bushes right outside the

doors. The next morning, instead of eating a mouthful of blueberries he

found himself chewing a mouthful of cockroaches. This time Snape hadn't made it to the doors in time; he was sick at the table with the Marauders' laughter making the moment even more excruciating for the solemn and self- conscious boy. Already too thin, Severus had skipped so many meals out of fear that his cheekbones protruded and there were dark smudges under his eyes.

What right had they to make him so miserable? Why did the very sight of him infuriate them? What had he ever done to live in such torment?

Well, he was done with it now. He lay back against the tree trunk and

prayed for death to take him.