Unwanted Child

It was Severus' nature to feel ashamed of himself.

It had been burned into his subconscious at a very early age. His own father had once told him that he should have been exposed at birth on a hillside, as the ancient Greeks had done with their unwanted children.

Severus was scrawny and ugly and nasty, after all, wasn't he? Everybody hated him.

Unwanted you got that right oddball hook-nosed creep slimy greaseball crybaby Snivellus they were right all along damn them all to Hell oh gods I hurt so bad inside

Because Severus had grown up isolated from children his age and had known little happiness, he looked and acted different from the other students at Hogwarts. Predictably, he had become the butt of jokes around the school.

His rage was often uncontrollable. He bit and kicked and clawed out his pain and shame without hesitation. That, combined with his knowledge of the Dark Arts (courtesy of his sinister father), made the boy a formidable foe. Young Snape gave as good as he got. Unfortunately for him, the Marauders could sense his weaknesses and would ruthlessly root them out for public display.

It was all in good fun, after all.

Severus was glad he had long hair that hung in his face. It was a shield between himself and the world. He fantasized that he couldn't be hurt by something he couldn't see, and shutting out the world helped quell his fears. This is what he did when his father really lost it and came close to killing him.

As long as his face was covered, he would be able to pull through.

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It became clear early on at Hogwarts that Severus was deeply afraid of being touched.

This was entirely understandable given his abusive upbringing, which he desperately tried to keep secret. He certainly didn't want anybody to know that his own father hated him and that his mother was too cowed to protect him.

During his first year at Hogwarts, Snape had flinched and nearly fallen out of his library chair when another student had reached over his head to put a book on its shelf. The librarian had looked over at him, face pruned with disapproval. Severus had scrunched back down into his chair and dropped his head so he could hide behind his hair.

Unfortunately for him, the Marauders were sitting at the next table, eyes gleaming. They had already labeled him "Snivellus" by this time. Knowing that Snape couldn't stand to be touched was just icing on the cake.

Ever since then, the Marauders had lain in wait for him, bent on exposing his shame and weakness to the rest of the school whenever they could.

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The Marauders had caught Snape crying right after he had asked Sonia Stellamaris – a pureblood Ravenclaw – to one of the springtime school dances.

Sonia had long blonde hair and blue eyes and a rosebud mouth. She was one of the loveliest girls Snape had ever seen. While he had only gazed in adoration at Lily Evans, Sonia actually talked to him, seeking him out and sitting next to him so that they could go over their homework together. Not that she'd ever said anything to indicate she was interested in him as a boyfriend. But he found himself looking forward to seeing her pretty face above her dark robes. She even had a smile for him when she opened her notes and urged him to compare his with hers.

His best and only friend, Britomartis Vox, had transferred from Hogwarts to Beauxbatons, and his heart ached for someone to talk to. Every night, Severus pressed his face into his pillow at Slytherin Tower and prayed that Lily – and Sonia, even more so – would be protected against anything bad and that they would look past his ugly face and see the gentle soul lying within him.

And so today, Snape had taken pains with his appearance in his hopes that Sonia would accept his invitation. His hair was freshly washed and combed and his robe was free of potions stains, for once. He was utterly terrified.

Please oh please don't let her laugh at me please

He had let her copy his Potions study guide first. Then he had asked her, his voice actually quavering.

Sonia's response had hardly been what he was looking for. Her jaw had actually dropped.

"I do hope you're joking, Severus!"

That was all she had said. But she'd also rolled her eyes at him, and that one gesture had triggered all the shame about himself that he'd built up over the years. It was like a knife to his heart. He had to get away.

A mask of indifference firmly plastered over his true face, Severus had gotten up from the table without a word, leaving his Potions study guide behind, and headed down to the dungeons.

Stupid damned useless fool you're ugly and she's beautiful why did you think she would want to be seen with you??

He now realized that the only reason Sonia had been nice to him was because he had let her copy his homework. He burned with shame, desperately wishing he was little again and could just go to sleep. Inside, his stomach churned with emotional upset. Realizing that he was going to be sick, he made a dash for the Potions lab, hoping like mad that nobody else was there.

What Snape hadn't counted on was all four Marauders tailing him.

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Excellent! Nobody's in here!

Severus raced over to one of the big sinks and lost what remained of his meal. He turned on the water and rinsed off his long hair, and then splashed his hot embarrassed face with cold water.

Better that's better

Turning on both taps for the covering noise they made, he gripped the edge of the sink and wept. He felt like he always did when Father punched him in the stomach.

Weeping, he wondered why most of his teachers never favored him, no matter how hard he studied. He wondered why he was so repulsive that girls laughed in his face. He wondered whether James Potter or Sirius Black's fathers beat them bloody. He pondered why emotional wounds left no trace on a person's body, and why his life was so hard.

"BOO!" screamed Sirius Black directly into his left ear.

Severus cried out, instantly dropping to his knees. Acting purely on instinct, he crawled under the bank of sinks adjacent to him and huddled, making himself a smaller target for whoever he'd angered by coming in here.

"What's the matter, Snivellus?" Black crowed. "Bogeyman coming for you?" Sirius bent down and tried to poke Severus with his wand. "Come out of there, you ugly little greaseball."

Pettigrew and Potter hooted with laughter. Remus, having been posted as sentry by the lab entrance, smirked.

"Nothing's wrong, Black," Snape replied, pushing his remaining tears down hard. "If you want to see something wrong, I'd be glad to show you." He yanked his wand from his sleeve.

Before he had fully withdrawn it, Potter shouted, "Expelliarmus!" and off it flew, right into James' hand.

Crap!! Stupid!! Stupid useless too stupid and useless to realize I've made myself a sitting target!

"What were you blubbering about over there, Snivelly?" Sirius mocked. "Did she puke her guts when you asked her? Or did you puke your guts when you realized what a loser you are?"

"Yeah, maybe he puked when he looked in the mirror," Pettigrew sneered.

Severus gasped as he realized they had eavesdropped on his conversation with Sonia. His face burned with humiliation.

"What on Earth were you thinking?" James added. "Nobody wants a slimy freak like you!"

Sirius grinned broadly, showing his perfect white teeth. "That's right, Snivelly. If you ever did find a girl gross enough to be seen with you, you wouldn't be able to kiss her because your big nose would get in the way!"

All four Marauders had a good laugh over that one.

Wandless and crammed into a place where his only escape had been blocked, Severus desperately looked from side to side, looking for another way out from under the sinks.

"What, is the poor widdle baby stuck? Awwww!" Pettigrew crooned, dropping to his knees and staring at the dark child under there with the dust of ages sprinkled all over him and spider webs tangled in his long black hair. "Lemme help the poor baby!"

Peter waved his own wand. The chubby blonde Gryffindor changed Severus' clothes into what looked like a diaper and a large bib, the kind with pockets in it in case you dropped an entire mouthful of oatmeal or strained peas or pureed pears from your mouth.

The boys roared with laughter, Remus still intently watching the door for teachers.

Oh gods must rip his eyes out claw his face fight this little pig must FIGHT GET HIM NOW--

Severus shot out from under the sink on his stomach, grabbing the fat boy's wand and shouted, "Densaugeo!"

In an instant, Peter Pettigrew began to grow what looked an awful lot like massive ivory tusks. He screamed as his mouth stretched beyond normal limits to accommodate them.

"There you go, Pettigrew, you porky git! You look like one of those fat old sloppy sea lions, you know!"

An angry Sirius Black – already on his knees next to the pair, grabbed a handful of Severus' hair right at his forehead and dragged him, flipping him over so that he faced Black, who pinned him. Severus promptly spat in his face and rammed his right knee into Black's crotch.

"Oh, you ugly little bastard!" Sirius shrieked. "Get him, Prongs!" Herolled over, clutching himself and groaning.

Severus had no time to gloat. James Potter had already sat on him, his wand touching the Slytherin's large nose. "Want a nose job, Snivelly?" he growled.

Severus was just starting to dabble with wandless magic.

Oh I hope this works oh please make this work

"Try one yourself, Potty!" He uttered a Dark hex under his breath and slammed both palms around Potter's face. "Engorgio!"

James Potter's nose began to grow – not outward, but sideways. Soon he had a nose that reached from ear to ear, distorting his vision and stretching his mouth to make breathing difficult.

James screamed "Furnunculus! "and gave Snape a faceful of boils.

Severus ripped the glasses off Potter's face and flung them as hard as he could. They flew against part of the wall under the sinks. A lens popped out and rattled as it settled on the floor.

"Padfoot! Prongs! He's – "Remus hissed, but the rest was drowned out by Potter's rage-filled shout.

James wrapped his hands around Snape's neck and squeezed hard. Pettigrew – only willing to take on an enraged opponent if he ran a pretty good chance of not getting hurt – kneeled on Severus' hands and bounced up and down on them.

And then Professor Sartoris, the Potions Master, made his entrance.

"Oh, bugger all," Sirius whispered, still doubled over.

"WHAT DO YOU CHILDREN THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Their teacher surveyed the scene before him. He saw a scrunched-up Black next to his sinks. He saw a boy with a grossly distorted face trying to throttle a prone student, whose face was so disgusting Sartoris had trouble looking at him. He seemed to be wearing some sort of white bathing suit type garment. He also saw Pettigrew restraining the prone boy's hands.

"GET – OFF. NOW."

Knowing they were in dutch for sure, both boys moved away from Severus, who rolled over and curled up on his side, gasping for air.

"Finite Incantatum," the Professor said, pointing his wand at James. His nose shrunk to its normal dimensions. "Finite Incantatum," he said again, removing Peter's tusks. The boy clasped his stretched-out mouth, moaning in pain.

"How about you, Black?" Professor Sartoris sighed.

"Nothing I can't handle, sir," the boy replied, trying not to clutch himself.

The teacher then turned to Snape. He recognized the stringy dark hair, and sighed. His best student, brawling in the lab -- !

"Finite Incantatum," the old man sighed. The boils disappeared. He gazed at the black-haired boy. "Oh dear. Finite Incantatum," he said again, restoring Snape's original school robes. "Ten points from Slytherin."

"WHAT?" Severus yelped.

"And fifty points from Gryffindor."

"WHAT!" the Marauders shouted as one.

"OUT."

"But Professor – "

"OUT. Master Snape, you stay."

"See ya, Snivelly," Sirius Black waved. "Enjoy your date."

"OUT!!!!"

Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail exited, making sure to slam the door behind them as hard as they could, making Severus jump.

"Yes, sir?"

"Where did you get those bruises on your back and sides, Severus?

Snape was silent for a few too many moments.

Actually, Professor Sartoris, my father couldn't find his leather strop so he picked up our house elf's rolling pin and whaled away at me until either his arm got tired or I passed out – most likely the former, sir, since my passing out never stopped him before –

"I – got into a tussle with those boys last week, sir. Nothing to bother with, really."

The man fixed Snape with his gaze.

"Really, sir," Severus reiterated, standing his ground.

"You already must know that you are my best student. One of my goals is to see you graduate from this institution with the finest potions training possible. That being the case, I hope you realize that you can talk to me about anything you want to get off your chest."

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

"See you in class, then. Off with you, Master Snape!"

Severus sighed deeply once he was outside the lab. His hands and throat hurt. No matter; he would rather chop off both legs than share his true situation with one of the very few people at Hogwarts who believed in him. His own father certainly didn't think of him as a going concern.

Well, what Sartoris didn't know wouldn't hurt him.