Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to The Series of Unfortunate Events, except a copy of books 1 through 11. Although, I wish I owned some of the books that Klaus has read. However, that's obviously not going to happen...
Prologue
If you are reading this fanfic in search of a form of innocent entertainment, or even as a happy ending to the terrible plight of the Baudelaire orphans, you are most certainly better off reading some other fic. You will not find a happy ending in this story, nor will you find a happy beginning, a happy middle, or as a matter of fact, any happy content whatsoever. So please, back off while you can, and you will still be capable of escaping such horrible details such as a return to a sunken submarine, mushy carrots, a coughing banker, a secret meeting that involves an old and dear friend or two (or maybe even three), and allergies. Please click the back button on your browser over and over again, until this page is only a memory.
Chapter One
If you have ever experienced a feeling of extreme itchiness, perhaps due to an allergy, or perhaps due to being trapped in a giant room full of hungry mosquitoes, you will probably be able to deduce that at this particular moment in time, the Baudelaire orphans were in utter discomfort. The three Baudelaires- Violet, the oldest, who was an excellent inventor, and who could often be seen with a ribbon tied in her hair to keep it out of her eyes, Klaus, the middle child, an avid reader and exceptional researcher, who wore glasses that made him look very intelligent, and Sunny, the youngest Baudelaire, who had recently passed out of babyhood, and who-in addition to having four very sharp teeth-was a superlative chef -were riding in a taxi cab towards the Hotel Denouement, and their clothes were wet. Now, sitting in wet clothes is never a pleasant thing to experience, especially when those clothes are made of unbelievably itchy fabric. The Baudelaires' clothes were uncomfortable at the best of times, but now with the added discomfort of them being rather soggy, it became almost impossible to bear.
"Violet," Klaus whispered, writhing in his seat, "these wet, itchy clothes are becoming almost impossible to bear." Violet nodded in between squirms.
"I know, but we've been through worse. Itchy clothes are small potatoes compared to some of the other trials we've had to deal with."
"Squishy", said Sunny, scratching herself with her tiny hands, which meant something along the lines of, "You're right, Violet. Although, that doesn't take away the fact that our clothes are uncomfortable and soaked."
Suddenly, a voice spoke up from the front of the taxi. It belonged to Kit Snicket, a V.F.D. volunteer who, only an hour before, had picked up the children on the shores of Briny Beach. Briny Beach was a location that the Baudelaires remembered as the one where all their misfortune had begun. Here, they had been informed by their inept-and unfailingly coughing- guardian, Mr. Poe that a terrible fire had destroyed the Baudelaire mansion, and killed both the Baudelaire parents. The first guardian that the orphans had ever had was the man whose face had haunted the Baudelaires in their most terrifying nightmares ever since that fateful day: Count Olaf. A greedy, evil and clever man, whose only purpose in life -other than acting, and not very well might I add- was to get his filthy little hands on as much money, including the Baudelaire fortune, as he possibly could. He had cooked up a variety of dastardly plots to snatch it away from the children, most of them including such horrific deeds as murder, interrogation, disguises, poison, arson, henchmen, a cranioectomy, a falsely false marriage, and terrible manners. Just shy of a day before, they'd escaped a very close call with this disgusting man, and that is how they'd found themselves on Briny Beach for a second time, and now in this cab for the first time.
"Children," said Kit from the front seat, "You won't have to deal with those wet, itchy-looking clothes for much longer. We're approaching Hotel Denouement."
The three children's breath caught in their throats. They were finally going to discover the real meaning of the initials V.F.D. This acronym had troubled the children ever since their good friends Duncan and Isadora Quagmire had tried to tell them about it, about the sinister organization to which Olaf belonged. Before the Baudelaires had been able to find out this crucial bit of information, the Quagmires had been snatched up into Olaf's black car, and out of the Baudelaire's lives. Not forever, as they met again only a few weeks later, and would be meeting again sooner then they thought. However, after meeting the Quagmires' long-lost triplet, Quigley, who they'd thought had been lost in a fire that had killed the Quagmires' parents, the Baudelaires had reason to believe that there had been a schism in V.F.D., a word which here means, "a big organization having a big fight which resulted in a big split-up, creating two big sides from what used to be one big group." Quigley too had been lost to them, but not before telling them to meet him at a certain place, which the Baudelaires had reason to believe was the Hotel Denouement. Now, fresh with the prospect of meeting their long-lost friend once more, they looked out the window of the taxi cab and hoped that, at last, they could say that their story may have a happy ending after all.
Disclaimer: Okay. So, there you have it, the first story I've ever written that doesn't involve a Johnny Depp movie! Hopefully everyone likes it. If you do, don't be afraid to tell me. And even if you don't, I'm welcome to tasteful critique. Emphasis on TASTEFUL. A friend of mine deleted an amazing story because of a couple of reviews. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. But please review. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks to Dawnie-7: Sugarbutt, without you, I'd never have figured out that maybe a break from Johnny stories would be a good thing. Thanks for the support with my Ed Wood story as well.
Again, thanks to everyone who read this, and hopefully you can expect more soon. Ta-ta.
JOHNNY DEPP 4EVER!!!!