My Darling, My Vampire.

Written by Ann (aka Roswell4ever1)

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Ok, I know I have said it before, but I am going to say it again. Stay away from Spike! Unless you want to face the wrath of Ann (which isn't pretty), back off! Enough of the petty stuff already. If you touch Spike, you will get a very bad intestinal bacteria that will eat away your stomach and cause you to have diarrhea for the next six months! STAY AWAY!

Part Ten- Explorations

It was dark. The dark offered solace. No one to look down on him, no one to judge. Just Spike, the weathered brown polyester chair, the dark and a mouse he named Mo. For the last two weeks it had been this way. Spike had Mo, Mo had Spike. But then something happened. Mo decided he liked a mouse that just decided to join the party. Spike decided to call her Harriet. Suddenly Spike was alone again. Looking at the mouse, all he could say was "Traitor." Not long after that, Harriet disappeared. Relationships just weren't what they used to be.

Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya had been by about every other night but he had not heard from Buffy. He could be angry. He could spend his time being pissed at the world but what good would that do? No, he was confused and sad that he hadn't seen her and hurt that she really thought that little of him. I guess one could view it as kind of funny. At 4:30 pm they were telling each other for the first time how much they loved each other, at 9 pm they were patrolling and by 11:45 she ousted him. Spike had been in some pretty short lasting relationships in his lifetime but this had to be the shortest yet most meaningful of them all. Now here he sits in an old brown chair in a run down hotel room alone. Even the mouse left him.

Buffy stood there remembering the conversation she had with her mom earlier that night.

"Mom. What are you doing back so early?"

"Well I'm only two weeks early honey. Besides, I was told you needed someone to talk to."

"Giles?"

"Yes, Giles. What happened Buffy?"

"I don't really know mom."

"Don't you love Spike?"

"More than anything."

"Then what happened?" Buffy sat down and told her mom the whole story and waited for her mom to take her into her arms and tell her everything would be ok. Much to her surprise, this didn't happen. Joyce looked at Buffy and if Buffy didn't know any better, she would say her mom was pissed.

"Buffy Anne Summers. How could you do that to him?"

"What? Mom did you hear anything I just told you?"

"Yes honey I did and from the way I see it, you treated him like shit!"

"Whoa, how do you get that?"

"Spike saw what was happening to you. He couldn't bear it. So he risked himself for you. The man loves you so much Buffy that he risked dying himself to save your life. All he wanted was for you to have a chance to live. And then you spit in his face. You treated him like a monster who didn't give a damn about you when in reality, you are all he cares about! How dare you Buffy? You took the man who loves you and pushed him away because you were too scared to deal with it."

"Mom, in case you didn't hear me the first time, he broke up with me!"

"Could you blame him? You made it quite clear that you didn't think much of him. You still thought of him as some monster. Would you have stayed if you were him? I wouldn't have!"

"I panicked mom. I mean, I finally find the one man who I really love and guess what? He loves me too! And then he goes and has some demon put into him to save me and I just panicked. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him."

"Buffy, have you taken the time to think about the fact that by treating him the way you did, you very well could have lost him anyway?"

"Yeah, I thought about it. That's why I haven't gone looking for him. In my effort to keep him, I lost him anyway."

"I said you could have lost him. I didn't say you did."

"You don't think I did?"

"Knowing Spike? No. He loves you too much to just move on that quickly. Your talking about a man who would die for you and tried to. But you need to talk to him Buffy."

She had been standing in the hallway for the past hour. It wasn't that she didn't want to see him, but rather she was afraid he wouldn't want to see her. Looking down at her watch, she realized it was 1:38 am. He was probably in bed by now. She started to walk away but then realized that if she didn't do this now, she would just chicken out. And it had to be done.

He was just about to turn the tv on to watch his tape of Passions when someone knocked on the door. Not really in the mood for company tonight, Spike yelled through the door "Can we continue our debate on the importance of starch in jockey shorts tomorrow Xan? I'm a bit tuckered tonight." Expecting to hear Xander whine about how it is a very important topic, he was shocked to hear "Spike, it's Buffy."

He slowly walked over to the door and opened it. He looked at her for a minute then turned away. "Come in." With his back to her, he closed his eyes preparing for the worst. He could deal with getting verbally assaulted by anyone. But not Buffy. Not again. Hell, the first time had him eating nothing but celery and talking to a mouse named Mo. In the past two weeks, he had lost 25 pounds and had gone to writing all his feelings in a journal just to deal. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes and walked over to the chair, pointing to the one beside it for Buffy to sit in. She walked over and sat down. She could see the hurt in his eyes. The hurt she had put there. And he had lost so much weight. It looked like he had quit eating all together.

"You want something to drink?" He asked her. "I have water and Pepsi. It isn't cold but I have ice."

"No thanks. I just came to say something to you."

Not liking the sound of that, his stomach cramped. "Oh for crimeny sakes man, get a hold of yourself! You're a man, act like it!" he told himself.

"Go ahead." He told her.

"Spike, when that Ayola demon was in me, I figured I was as good as dead. I didn't expect to come out of that alive. I was trapped and in pain. Then all of a sudden, it was gone. Just about the time I started to feel happy about it, I see you on the ground. Not moving. Not breathing. Just laying there. I panicked. I thought I had lost you. Like I was spared but you were dead. I felt guilty, and angry, and sad and lonely all at the same time. Then, there you were again. I was thrilled to see that you were ok. But then, I find out that you did it on purpose. You had Willow put that demon in you. I was hit by a strong feeling of guilt. I hated myself for it, for you being gone. And instead of showing you how glad I was that you were ok, I let my hatred for myself control me and I took it out on you. I blamed you and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for that."

"I..." Spike started.

"No. Please, let me finish first. I don't blame you for leaving me. I don't. I was a bitch and I wouldn't have stayed either. But I want you to know that I don't see you as a monster. It was just a convenient thing to grab for. I know you Spike. I know you arent who you used to be. You are a good man who would give up everything for someone else, and have. I am so sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that. I would do anything to take it back but I cant. I'm not asking you to take me back. I just hope that maybe one day you can forgive me and we can be friends again. Well, I better get going. It's late." She stood up and started towards the door.

"Buffy." Buffy turned around and looked at Spike. "Yeah?"

"Don't go."

"Spike I..."

"Please. I just want to hold you."

Knowing how much she wanted him to hold her too, she couldn't just walk away. "Ok."

They walked over and lay down on the little bed in the hotel room. They lay together for a long time just enjoying the feeling of being together. Spike was about to doze off when he felt her kiss his neck. He opened his eyes and saw her looking at him. She looked him in the eyes and bit her lower lip. Reaching down, she pulled her shirt over her head and then smiled down at him.

"Are you sure?" He asked her. She leaned down and kissed him on the mouth then smiled as she pulled away. "I'm sure." He placed his hands on each side of her face and pulled her down to him and kissed her. Breaking away from the kiss, Buffy reached down and pulled off Spike's black t-shirt. She explored his chest with her hands as he worked to unfasten her pants. Once they were free of all barriers, Spike gently rolled over and entered her for the first time. Running her hands up and down his arms, she wrapped herself around him and gently said his name. For the next two hours, nothing else existed. Just the two of them. They explored each others bodies and emotions and all past hurt was gone. Together, they entered a world of mutual ecstasy. They spent their first night together in that hotel room . It was just them and a mouse named Mo.

TBC...