Hey, there!
Back for more, are you?
Well, here is chapter three; a completely and utterly Spuffy chapter (for those of you who needed a fix). Do tell me what you think.
I hope to have the next chapter out in one week, but, realistically, it might be a bit longer. I will be sure to let you know. Just check at Always!
Hope you like the chapter, and remember, feedback fuels the Muse.
*Cheery Vibes*, Nimue
Title: When You Wish Upon a Star (Chapter Three of Meant to Be)
Author: Nimue
Rating: PG -13
Pairing Buffy/Spike. Most major characters included.
Feedback: Yes, please
For instant notification of fic releases, straight to your mailbox, please visit Always_Everyday@yahoogroups.com
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, Fox... Just Borrowing. (With, of course, the exception of Emma and William, who belong to Buffy and Spike)
Summary: Buffy finds herself on the back stoop in the middle of the night, trying to figure out how to cope with what she wants out of life. Spike joins her and together they realize that they're more alike than they ever thought.
When You Wish Upon a Star
Buffy stretched, padding through the kitchen and to the back door. How many times had she done this? How many pensive moments had she spent on that porch? Alone. With him. Countless hours of waiting and watching and thinking. It made her feel safe. Clear.
The door opened with a soft click and she let herself out into the night air. It was a little chilly, at least for a girl in her husband's button down and not much else, but it was nice. The sky was a dark, dark blue, the stars twinkling like tiny beacons, the moon just a sliver in the sky.
Slowly, she lowered herself onto the steps, pulling her legs to her chest and watching the world around her. Listening to the night creatures. The ones that didn't like to eat people for a late night snack. The sound of the breeze rustling against the leaves. The silence of the house behind her.
Spike. She and Spike. Oh wow. They. Wow. Even now, he could make her world explode into tiny shards of existence, gather them all up, put them back together, and kiss the seams until she was whole again. The man knew how to make her body sing with joy. For hours on end. But now, in the dead of night, she took a moment of solitude, leaving her sleeping Vampire alone in their room.
Why? Why was this so hard? I mean. how selfish? She had Emma. Will. Two of the cutest, smartest, sweetest, kids she'd ever come in contact with, living in her house. Borne of her body and her blood. But something more called to her. Emptiness inside of her, waiting to be filled. The thought of life, hers and *his* being created. Living, being protected, loved, inside of her, and coming into the light of day. Her body craved it. Her mind, her heart, her soul begged for it. Needing to bring him to life again. Needing to keep him alive.
Buffy's hands fell on her belly and she *felt* the emptiness inside. They were so blessed. So incredibly blessed with power and ability and a love that couldn't die. Two children who would change the world in their own ways. And a life that most people would give their right arm to live.
Still, it called to her.
She looked at the sky, wondering what soul was waiting. What little being was hers that she couldn't bring forth because she was in the control of the Powers. What dwelled in the ether that wanted to come to her. To Spike. To make them whole once again.
Tears fell down her face.
Maybe it was Loki and Kali. Reminding her of what it feels like to be a mother to something so helpless. Remembering Spike asleep on the couch, holding Emma against his bare chest and protecting her from the monsters inside and out. Maybe it was feeling the complete, true love, she felt for Will and Emma and her heart knowing that she had more. More to give. More love. She and Spike had more love than they could ever use.
But it wasn't their decision to make.
Tears fell down her face. ~~~~~~~
His eyes fluttered open, feeling the empty space next to the bed. The small, warm spot that smelled of her and felt of her heat. But she was gone.
Spike sighed, feeling her want from a distance. Feeling that emptiness that consumed her. That love that she wanted to give. To him. To Em. To Will. To another. But he couldn't. He wanted to, but he couldn't give her the one thing that would make her happy right now.
A slow sigh escaped his lips, and his hand meandered through his ruffled curls. Didn't matter whether or not he could change it really. For a Vampire, he was truly blessed. Almost human again, but enough Vampire he could help protect them. Help his mate succeed in her mission. Human enough to father two children that in his *wildest* dreams, he could not have wished for better. Lucky. Damned, sodding, lucky. And not very deserving. So, questioning the Powers on their call to end their line here was not something he felt he had a place to do.
Still, Spike thought, as he stood and gathered up the navy blue sweatpants he'd worn the evening before, he wished he could give her everything in the world that she wanted. Not just the lover, or the husband, or the father, or partner of her dreams. But everything. It was his *job* to make her happy. Give her babies. Make her world something full of only love.
Wasn't his choice to make.
Spike sighed again, pulling the sweatpants low on his hips and making another pass through ruffled hair with his strong hand. Couldn't leave her alone. Couldn't let her drown in it. Had to make her see. For her. For the kids they *had* brought into the world. For him.
Had to make her happy.
~~~~~~
The night was clear and warm as he opened the kitchen door out onto the porch. This was the place they had both always run for safety. Always gone to suss it all out. The strange and wonderful dichotomy of their existence. The juxtaposition of dark and light, good and evil, superhero and average people. People who loved and lost and still loved more.
She sat on the porch step, curled in a tight ball, her body, not moving, her eyes trained on the sky. The stars. He remembered her telling him once, after he nearly lost her to the demon who sent her to the In Between, that the stars had sung to her. Maybe, somewhere, they still did. He heard their voices as well. Singing lullabies and cacophony with equal zeal.
"So, what's a bird like you doing sitting on the stoop in her unmentionables?" Spike asked as he walked across the deck barefoot until he was almost right behind her.
Buffy's head spun, not hearing him come out. Her face was stained with the salty lines of tears; a look that very nearly broke his heart every time he saw it. But she managed a small smile, holding out her hand and guiding him down next to him.
Good, he thought, not going to shut me out this time. Maybe we are growing up.
She sat in silence for a moment before she reached to her cheeks with the back of her hand and wiped them, his gentle hands following their trail. "They're not my unmentionables anyways." she whispered, mustering the same small smile.
"Right," Spike chided. "First you buy me all that rot, then you go about wearing it."
She chuckled, sniffing the collar of the shirt she was wearing. "Smells like you."
"Turning into a Vampire now, Love?" He chided. She'd always thought the scenting business was 'creepy'. Funny to hear her relying on the same instincts.
"Might as well," she sighed, winding her fingers through his. "Married one."
"Only sometimes, Pet," Spike responded, letting a half hearted growl from his throat. She chuckled again. "Mind telling me what brings you to your thinking corner this night?"
Again, she sighed, the smile fading and her hand loosening in his. Buffy's eyes wandered back to the sky, but her lips stayed tightly pursed, as if he couldn't pry it out of her with a crowbar. "Don't even want to begin to ask this, Pet, but something you didn't like in. round one?" Spike asked, training his eyes to his knees and remembering the sweet, but rather kinky first half of the evening they'd had. She'd seemed willing enough, and he was nothing but able to expand her repertoire. But when it came right down to it, she was little more than an all American cheerleader who probably never dreamed of some of the things he could teach her. Well, she was always more than that to him. Just. he didn't always know if she was willing or just trying to make him happy.
He swallowed hard in the silence that ensued, trying desperately not to look at her face and know he'd upset her. But curiosity got the better of him and he turned toward her to find her slack jawed and staring at him with wide, curious eyes.
"What, then?" Spike asked defensively.
She stuttered once. Twice. Then got her lips to form words. "H.how can you even ask me that?"
Spike turned away again. "Dunno, Pet. Worry, is all. Gotta keep you happy."
He heard the chuckle that wasn't. That sharp, uneven intake of breath, and the steady release over her pretty coral lips. "Uh, Spike."
Again, he looked at her, eyes desperate to see that he was wrong. That he wasn't disappointing her, "Yeah?"
"Worlds of good. Mind blowing, leg shaking, toe curling gallons of fun and yummy researchness," she commented, stroking his thigh.
"Then why the silence?" Spike asked, hoping she wasn't trying to burst his ever fragile ego.
Buffy chuckled again. "Cause I can't believe you even asked me that! Weren't the ear piercing screams of joy a good sign in the 'You are a Sex God' direction?"
Feeling a bit puffed up again, Spike smiled at her. "Just wanted to make sure I could still ring all your bells and blow all your whistles, Pet."
"Rung. Blown." She blushed, realizing how that sounded. "Or maybe you rung and I blew?" A mischievous grin broke on his face as she dug the hole deeper. "Oh, whatever. Sex God. Wobbly legs. Need you. All good jiggly on the insides," Buffy finally broke down and sighed.
"Always the wordsmith, Love," Spike commented, still smiling at his mastery and her blatant appreciation. "Not so bad in the bells and whistles yourself. After a little retraining from the train wreck of your past."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "It wasn't a train wreck," she defended.
"First one went Three Faces of Eve on you right after he deflowered you, second blatantly used you, for which I still think he should be bludgeoned to death with a large flat object, third's idea of different and exciting was ribbed vs.."
"Enough!" Buffy snapped, laughing at her other half. "Okay. Retraining was good."
"Just good?" He asked, nuzzling her cheek.
Her body shuddered in anticipation, just at the gentlest contact. "More than good. It's gggreeaaattt!"
Spike's eyes rolled. "Been around the tot's breakfast cereal too much, Pet."
Again, the clear, sweet, sound of her laugh filled the air and then slowly, became silent. He could almost see the thoughts that had brought her out to their spot return to her mind one by devious one. "Care to tell me what's really on your mind, Love?'
Buffy shook her head slightly. "Nothing much."
"What brings you out here in the middle of the night then?" Spike remarked, inching closer to her so that his hip was flush to hers. She always relaxed when they touched.
"Needed to think," she answered quietly, her eyes looking down now at the bottom step. "Needed to talk."
"Could've talked to me, Pet. You can always talk to me," Spike purred, his hand gently stroking her back.
She smiled slightly. "You were asleep."
Spike's chest puffed out a little. "My manly duty, Love. Wouldn't be right if the man didn't fall into a deep, satisfied slumber after mind blowing sex."
Again, Buffy giggled. "Right. So, I decided to come out here and. think."
"Bout?"
"Stuff."
"Care to share?"
"Do I have to?"
"Can rattle about in that cranium of yours until I dig it out if you don't want to tell me. Up to you."
Buffy sighed, knowing he already knew, but wasn't going to let her off that easy. "Babies."
Spike's turn to sigh. "All right. Wee ones it is. Care to expound?"
Buffy fidgeted, drawing into herself both physically and mentally. Her mind throwing up protective walls. Her knees drawing closer to her chest. Losing contact with him. "Nothing."
"Not going to let you off that easy, Pet," Spike demanded softly, taking her tightly clasped hands and loosening them, her knees dropping, her feet stretching back to the step. He took one of those soft, small hands in his, caressing the back of it with his thumb. "Nothing you can't say to me."
Her eyes closed. "But I feel stupid. Ungrateful."
"Well, I can assure you, you're neither," Spike comforted. "Smart little bint, and I know you thank your lucky stars every day that you're still here. With me. With us."
Buffy's eyes flickered open, her head turning towards him, her mind filling with thoughts of just how lucky she was to be sitting next to *this* man, after all that they'd been through. How lucky she was to have Emma. William. Even Pony, who spent much of his time sleeping with the kids in his more advanced age. But it didn't change that empty feeling. "I am lucky."
"We both are, Pet," Spike answered, his blue eyes melting hers. "Doesn't change the fact that it's human nature to want."
She chuckled. "That coming from a Vampire."
"Which, as you well know, is just a human with a nasty skin condition who is breathing challenged and has unending stamina, of which, I apparently do not. Cept for maybe the last bit," Spike huffed.
"Definitely the last bit," Buffy responded, smiling softly. She was quiet, a long moment, drinking in his beautiful face. Studying the fine lines that were starting to appear as he aged for the first time in over a century. The wisdom that began to etch into that beautiful face, making it even sexier. More kind. More wonderful. She sighed. "I just.. I know that I'm lucky, and I know that I shouldn't. I just.Spike."
"You want another baby," he finished for her. "Another one to protect. To love."
She nodded, the tears beginning to fall again. "I want to feel it. I want to feel part of you growing inside of me again. And I want to know that we get to live a little longer in them. Love some more. That they can't ever take that away from us. They are us, Spike. Emma. Will. They're all that's best about you and me and how can that be a bad thing to want more?"
He closed his eyes, heart breaking at the sound of the quiver in her voice, and the silvery rivers on her face. Slowly, he pulled her close until she was sitting in his lap, her legs thrown over his thighs, her head buried against his strong, bare chest. He could feel the wet warmth of her tears against his skin. Gently, he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. "S'not love. Not a bad thing."
"Then why?" Buffy asked, her voice small and weak. "I mean, we can protect them. Better than anyone else. And Spike. We have so much love. Plenty more."
"Endless, Love," Spike whispered, burying his face in her soft, silky hair.
"Then why?" She whispered again. "Why won't they let us?"
He was silent for a long moment. "Dunno, Pet. I know I feel like I let you down. Man should be able to give his wife children." His voice was quiet. Almost as unsteady as hers.
Slowly, Buffy lifted her head, looking up into his deep, blue eyes. In that instant, she realized that this was something he wanted as badly as her. That he understood. Really, truly, knew. The emptiness, despite the fullness of their lives. That ache to love more. To feel the joy of knowing that they will always survive through them. Even on the day that they faded into ether, their love would always live on in them.
And he blamed himself that it couldn't happen.
His eyes were lost.
Buffy sat up, taking his cheeks in her palms. "Spike," she whispered, brushing her lips to his. "It's not you. It's not me. It's . destiny. You know that."
His head lowered to her shoulder, kissing the soft skin at her open collar. "Just want to give you everything, Love. And I want to hold. I remember holding them."
Buffy lifted his head even to hers, pressing her forehead against his. "So, I'm not alone?"
"You're not," he answered quietly. "Never alone."
She kissed his lips softly. "You know I love you."
"I do," he answered, brushing stray hairs from her face. "Can only think that They know as well," Spike continued, his eyes rolling skyward.
Her eyes followed. "They can see," Buffy answered. "They'll do what's meant to happen, I guess."
Spike sighed. "Just want you to be happy, Pet. Want you to never regret. this. Me."
"I can't," she said, smiling. "I won't. You've given me everything. Two beautiful babies. A life that I wasn't supposed to have. Happiness every time you're near me."
Spike studied her a moment, his eyes capturing hers. "Tell me you're not disappointed that I cannot. that."
"Spike," Buffy whispered, kissing his cheeks. "I can't either. Only they can decide. Which is a world of suckiness sometimes, but it just is. All we can do is hope. But no, I don't blame it on you. And I don't blame it on me. It's not up to us."
Spike nodded, feeling all the love he had for her well into his heart until he felt like it would explode. How he deserved this, deserved her, completely escaped him. "Well, for what it's worth, I'll hope along with you, Pet."
Buffy smiled, nuzzling his nose with hers. "There are some other things we can do to help things along," she whispered deviously, nipping at his lower lip.
A sly smile broke across his face. "What do you have in mind, Pet?"
"Umm," she hummed, her hands tracing long, slow lines down his back. "Think you mentioned something about round two?"
Spike pulled her in for a long, slow kiss, feeling the warm softness of her tongue searching his mouth. Dancing with his, her body pressing closer, her heat. "Think we can manage that, Love," Spike finally commented as she came up for air. He scooped her up, carrying her back up the steps. "Only you have to tell me if things get a little too."
Buffy smiled. "I think I want to try that swing thing again."
The grin on Spike's face became downright wicked. "Now, *that's* my girl," he praised, kicking open the kitchen door.
To be contd.
Back for more, are you?
Well, here is chapter three; a completely and utterly Spuffy chapter (for those of you who needed a fix). Do tell me what you think.
I hope to have the next chapter out in one week, but, realistically, it might be a bit longer. I will be sure to let you know. Just check at Always!
Hope you like the chapter, and remember, feedback fuels the Muse.
*Cheery Vibes*, Nimue
Title: When You Wish Upon a Star (Chapter Three of Meant to Be)
Author: Nimue
Rating: PG -13
Pairing Buffy/Spike. Most major characters included.
Feedback: Yes, please
For instant notification of fic releases, straight to your mailbox, please visit Always_Everyday@yahoogroups.com
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, Fox... Just Borrowing. (With, of course, the exception of Emma and William, who belong to Buffy and Spike)
Summary: Buffy finds herself on the back stoop in the middle of the night, trying to figure out how to cope with what she wants out of life. Spike joins her and together they realize that they're more alike than they ever thought.
When You Wish Upon a Star
Buffy stretched, padding through the kitchen and to the back door. How many times had she done this? How many pensive moments had she spent on that porch? Alone. With him. Countless hours of waiting and watching and thinking. It made her feel safe. Clear.
The door opened with a soft click and she let herself out into the night air. It was a little chilly, at least for a girl in her husband's button down and not much else, but it was nice. The sky was a dark, dark blue, the stars twinkling like tiny beacons, the moon just a sliver in the sky.
Slowly, she lowered herself onto the steps, pulling her legs to her chest and watching the world around her. Listening to the night creatures. The ones that didn't like to eat people for a late night snack. The sound of the breeze rustling against the leaves. The silence of the house behind her.
Spike. She and Spike. Oh wow. They. Wow. Even now, he could make her world explode into tiny shards of existence, gather them all up, put them back together, and kiss the seams until she was whole again. The man knew how to make her body sing with joy. For hours on end. But now, in the dead of night, she took a moment of solitude, leaving her sleeping Vampire alone in their room.
Why? Why was this so hard? I mean. how selfish? She had Emma. Will. Two of the cutest, smartest, sweetest, kids she'd ever come in contact with, living in her house. Borne of her body and her blood. But something more called to her. Emptiness inside of her, waiting to be filled. The thought of life, hers and *his* being created. Living, being protected, loved, inside of her, and coming into the light of day. Her body craved it. Her mind, her heart, her soul begged for it. Needing to bring him to life again. Needing to keep him alive.
Buffy's hands fell on her belly and she *felt* the emptiness inside. They were so blessed. So incredibly blessed with power and ability and a love that couldn't die. Two children who would change the world in their own ways. And a life that most people would give their right arm to live.
Still, it called to her.
She looked at the sky, wondering what soul was waiting. What little being was hers that she couldn't bring forth because she was in the control of the Powers. What dwelled in the ether that wanted to come to her. To Spike. To make them whole once again.
Tears fell down her face.
Maybe it was Loki and Kali. Reminding her of what it feels like to be a mother to something so helpless. Remembering Spike asleep on the couch, holding Emma against his bare chest and protecting her from the monsters inside and out. Maybe it was feeling the complete, true love, she felt for Will and Emma and her heart knowing that she had more. More to give. More love. She and Spike had more love than they could ever use.
But it wasn't their decision to make.
Tears fell down her face. ~~~~~~~
His eyes fluttered open, feeling the empty space next to the bed. The small, warm spot that smelled of her and felt of her heat. But she was gone.
Spike sighed, feeling her want from a distance. Feeling that emptiness that consumed her. That love that she wanted to give. To him. To Em. To Will. To another. But he couldn't. He wanted to, but he couldn't give her the one thing that would make her happy right now.
A slow sigh escaped his lips, and his hand meandered through his ruffled curls. Didn't matter whether or not he could change it really. For a Vampire, he was truly blessed. Almost human again, but enough Vampire he could help protect them. Help his mate succeed in her mission. Human enough to father two children that in his *wildest* dreams, he could not have wished for better. Lucky. Damned, sodding, lucky. And not very deserving. So, questioning the Powers on their call to end their line here was not something he felt he had a place to do.
Still, Spike thought, as he stood and gathered up the navy blue sweatpants he'd worn the evening before, he wished he could give her everything in the world that she wanted. Not just the lover, or the husband, or the father, or partner of her dreams. But everything. It was his *job* to make her happy. Give her babies. Make her world something full of only love.
Wasn't his choice to make.
Spike sighed again, pulling the sweatpants low on his hips and making another pass through ruffled hair with his strong hand. Couldn't leave her alone. Couldn't let her drown in it. Had to make her see. For her. For the kids they *had* brought into the world. For him.
Had to make her happy.
~~~~~~
The night was clear and warm as he opened the kitchen door out onto the porch. This was the place they had both always run for safety. Always gone to suss it all out. The strange and wonderful dichotomy of their existence. The juxtaposition of dark and light, good and evil, superhero and average people. People who loved and lost and still loved more.
She sat on the porch step, curled in a tight ball, her body, not moving, her eyes trained on the sky. The stars. He remembered her telling him once, after he nearly lost her to the demon who sent her to the In Between, that the stars had sung to her. Maybe, somewhere, they still did. He heard their voices as well. Singing lullabies and cacophony with equal zeal.
"So, what's a bird like you doing sitting on the stoop in her unmentionables?" Spike asked as he walked across the deck barefoot until he was almost right behind her.
Buffy's head spun, not hearing him come out. Her face was stained with the salty lines of tears; a look that very nearly broke his heart every time he saw it. But she managed a small smile, holding out her hand and guiding him down next to him.
Good, he thought, not going to shut me out this time. Maybe we are growing up.
She sat in silence for a moment before she reached to her cheeks with the back of her hand and wiped them, his gentle hands following their trail. "They're not my unmentionables anyways." she whispered, mustering the same small smile.
"Right," Spike chided. "First you buy me all that rot, then you go about wearing it."
She chuckled, sniffing the collar of the shirt she was wearing. "Smells like you."
"Turning into a Vampire now, Love?" He chided. She'd always thought the scenting business was 'creepy'. Funny to hear her relying on the same instincts.
"Might as well," she sighed, winding her fingers through his. "Married one."
"Only sometimes, Pet," Spike responded, letting a half hearted growl from his throat. She chuckled again. "Mind telling me what brings you to your thinking corner this night?"
Again, she sighed, the smile fading and her hand loosening in his. Buffy's eyes wandered back to the sky, but her lips stayed tightly pursed, as if he couldn't pry it out of her with a crowbar. "Don't even want to begin to ask this, Pet, but something you didn't like in. round one?" Spike asked, training his eyes to his knees and remembering the sweet, but rather kinky first half of the evening they'd had. She'd seemed willing enough, and he was nothing but able to expand her repertoire. But when it came right down to it, she was little more than an all American cheerleader who probably never dreamed of some of the things he could teach her. Well, she was always more than that to him. Just. he didn't always know if she was willing or just trying to make him happy.
He swallowed hard in the silence that ensued, trying desperately not to look at her face and know he'd upset her. But curiosity got the better of him and he turned toward her to find her slack jawed and staring at him with wide, curious eyes.
"What, then?" Spike asked defensively.
She stuttered once. Twice. Then got her lips to form words. "H.how can you even ask me that?"
Spike turned away again. "Dunno, Pet. Worry, is all. Gotta keep you happy."
He heard the chuckle that wasn't. That sharp, uneven intake of breath, and the steady release over her pretty coral lips. "Uh, Spike."
Again, he looked at her, eyes desperate to see that he was wrong. That he wasn't disappointing her, "Yeah?"
"Worlds of good. Mind blowing, leg shaking, toe curling gallons of fun and yummy researchness," she commented, stroking his thigh.
"Then why the silence?" Spike asked, hoping she wasn't trying to burst his ever fragile ego.
Buffy chuckled again. "Cause I can't believe you even asked me that! Weren't the ear piercing screams of joy a good sign in the 'You are a Sex God' direction?"
Feeling a bit puffed up again, Spike smiled at her. "Just wanted to make sure I could still ring all your bells and blow all your whistles, Pet."
"Rung. Blown." She blushed, realizing how that sounded. "Or maybe you rung and I blew?" A mischievous grin broke on his face as she dug the hole deeper. "Oh, whatever. Sex God. Wobbly legs. Need you. All good jiggly on the insides," Buffy finally broke down and sighed.
"Always the wordsmith, Love," Spike commented, still smiling at his mastery and her blatant appreciation. "Not so bad in the bells and whistles yourself. After a little retraining from the train wreck of your past."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "It wasn't a train wreck," she defended.
"First one went Three Faces of Eve on you right after he deflowered you, second blatantly used you, for which I still think he should be bludgeoned to death with a large flat object, third's idea of different and exciting was ribbed vs.."
"Enough!" Buffy snapped, laughing at her other half. "Okay. Retraining was good."
"Just good?" He asked, nuzzling her cheek.
Her body shuddered in anticipation, just at the gentlest contact. "More than good. It's gggreeaaattt!"
Spike's eyes rolled. "Been around the tot's breakfast cereal too much, Pet."
Again, the clear, sweet, sound of her laugh filled the air and then slowly, became silent. He could almost see the thoughts that had brought her out to their spot return to her mind one by devious one. "Care to tell me what's really on your mind, Love?'
Buffy shook her head slightly. "Nothing much."
"What brings you out here in the middle of the night then?" Spike remarked, inching closer to her so that his hip was flush to hers. She always relaxed when they touched.
"Needed to think," she answered quietly, her eyes looking down now at the bottom step. "Needed to talk."
"Could've talked to me, Pet. You can always talk to me," Spike purred, his hand gently stroking her back.
She smiled slightly. "You were asleep."
Spike's chest puffed out a little. "My manly duty, Love. Wouldn't be right if the man didn't fall into a deep, satisfied slumber after mind blowing sex."
Again, Buffy giggled. "Right. So, I decided to come out here and. think."
"Bout?"
"Stuff."
"Care to share?"
"Do I have to?"
"Can rattle about in that cranium of yours until I dig it out if you don't want to tell me. Up to you."
Buffy sighed, knowing he already knew, but wasn't going to let her off that easy. "Babies."
Spike's turn to sigh. "All right. Wee ones it is. Care to expound?"
Buffy fidgeted, drawing into herself both physically and mentally. Her mind throwing up protective walls. Her knees drawing closer to her chest. Losing contact with him. "Nothing."
"Not going to let you off that easy, Pet," Spike demanded softly, taking her tightly clasped hands and loosening them, her knees dropping, her feet stretching back to the step. He took one of those soft, small hands in his, caressing the back of it with his thumb. "Nothing you can't say to me."
Her eyes closed. "But I feel stupid. Ungrateful."
"Well, I can assure you, you're neither," Spike comforted. "Smart little bint, and I know you thank your lucky stars every day that you're still here. With me. With us."
Buffy's eyes flickered open, her head turning towards him, her mind filling with thoughts of just how lucky she was to be sitting next to *this* man, after all that they'd been through. How lucky she was to have Emma. William. Even Pony, who spent much of his time sleeping with the kids in his more advanced age. But it didn't change that empty feeling. "I am lucky."
"We both are, Pet," Spike answered, his blue eyes melting hers. "Doesn't change the fact that it's human nature to want."
She chuckled. "That coming from a Vampire."
"Which, as you well know, is just a human with a nasty skin condition who is breathing challenged and has unending stamina, of which, I apparently do not. Cept for maybe the last bit," Spike huffed.
"Definitely the last bit," Buffy responded, smiling softly. She was quiet, a long moment, drinking in his beautiful face. Studying the fine lines that were starting to appear as he aged for the first time in over a century. The wisdom that began to etch into that beautiful face, making it even sexier. More kind. More wonderful. She sighed. "I just.. I know that I'm lucky, and I know that I shouldn't. I just.Spike."
"You want another baby," he finished for her. "Another one to protect. To love."
She nodded, the tears beginning to fall again. "I want to feel it. I want to feel part of you growing inside of me again. And I want to know that we get to live a little longer in them. Love some more. That they can't ever take that away from us. They are us, Spike. Emma. Will. They're all that's best about you and me and how can that be a bad thing to want more?"
He closed his eyes, heart breaking at the sound of the quiver in her voice, and the silvery rivers on her face. Slowly, he pulled her close until she was sitting in his lap, her legs thrown over his thighs, her head buried against his strong, bare chest. He could feel the wet warmth of her tears against his skin. Gently, he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. "S'not love. Not a bad thing."
"Then why?" Buffy asked, her voice small and weak. "I mean, we can protect them. Better than anyone else. And Spike. We have so much love. Plenty more."
"Endless, Love," Spike whispered, burying his face in her soft, silky hair.
"Then why?" She whispered again. "Why won't they let us?"
He was silent for a long moment. "Dunno, Pet. I know I feel like I let you down. Man should be able to give his wife children." His voice was quiet. Almost as unsteady as hers.
Slowly, Buffy lifted her head, looking up into his deep, blue eyes. In that instant, she realized that this was something he wanted as badly as her. That he understood. Really, truly, knew. The emptiness, despite the fullness of their lives. That ache to love more. To feel the joy of knowing that they will always survive through them. Even on the day that they faded into ether, their love would always live on in them.
And he blamed himself that it couldn't happen.
His eyes were lost.
Buffy sat up, taking his cheeks in her palms. "Spike," she whispered, brushing her lips to his. "It's not you. It's not me. It's . destiny. You know that."
His head lowered to her shoulder, kissing the soft skin at her open collar. "Just want to give you everything, Love. And I want to hold. I remember holding them."
Buffy lifted his head even to hers, pressing her forehead against his. "So, I'm not alone?"
"You're not," he answered quietly. "Never alone."
She kissed his lips softly. "You know I love you."
"I do," he answered, brushing stray hairs from her face. "Can only think that They know as well," Spike continued, his eyes rolling skyward.
Her eyes followed. "They can see," Buffy answered. "They'll do what's meant to happen, I guess."
Spike sighed. "Just want you to be happy, Pet. Want you to never regret. this. Me."
"I can't," she said, smiling. "I won't. You've given me everything. Two beautiful babies. A life that I wasn't supposed to have. Happiness every time you're near me."
Spike studied her a moment, his eyes capturing hers. "Tell me you're not disappointed that I cannot. that."
"Spike," Buffy whispered, kissing his cheeks. "I can't either. Only they can decide. Which is a world of suckiness sometimes, but it just is. All we can do is hope. But no, I don't blame it on you. And I don't blame it on me. It's not up to us."
Spike nodded, feeling all the love he had for her well into his heart until he felt like it would explode. How he deserved this, deserved her, completely escaped him. "Well, for what it's worth, I'll hope along with you, Pet."
Buffy smiled, nuzzling his nose with hers. "There are some other things we can do to help things along," she whispered deviously, nipping at his lower lip.
A sly smile broke across his face. "What do you have in mind, Pet?"
"Umm," she hummed, her hands tracing long, slow lines down his back. "Think you mentioned something about round two?"
Spike pulled her in for a long, slow kiss, feeling the warm softness of her tongue searching his mouth. Dancing with his, her body pressing closer, her heat. "Think we can manage that, Love," Spike finally commented as she came up for air. He scooped her up, carrying her back up the steps. "Only you have to tell me if things get a little too."
Buffy smiled. "I think I want to try that swing thing again."
The grin on Spike's face became downright wicked. "Now, *that's* my girl," he praised, kicking open the kitchen door.
To be contd.