The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution or GI Joe characters has gone off to therapy. Yes it's another fun one-shot therapy fic I came up with. I just love seeing the X-Men and Misfits in therapy. It just shows how screwed up they really are. Besides, admit it folks…
Mutants in Therapy Is So Much Fun
"Hello everyone," Psyche Out grinned at the Misfits and X-Men before him. "And welcome once again to a special edition of group therapy."
"What's so special about it?" Rogue asked. "We always do dumb stuff like this with these idiots!"
"Oh man, why do we have to be here with them?" Pietro rolled his eyes.
"You took the words right out of my mouth," Scott grumbled.
"Can't we just beat each other up in the Danger Room or something?" Althea asked.
"You mean beat the crap out of them," Bobby whispered to Kurt. "Just like the old days."
"We heard that Ice Cube!" Todd bristled.
"You didn't always beat us if memory serves me correctly," Wanda growled.
"Your memory isn't exactly the most reliable thing in the world," Remy remarked.
"It's not my fault my insane father messed with my memories!" Wanda shouted. "Besides you were on his paycheck for a while if I recall!"
"Yeah before Remy realized what a nut he was!" Remy snapped.
"Like father like daughter," Bobby remarked.
"Bite me!" Wanda shouted.
"Better yet! Let's bite him!" Xi said.
"Yeah get some flavored liquid and we'll make snow cones out of him!" Pietro snapped.
"I've got a snow scraper I've been itching to try!" Arcade shouted.
"You try and do that!" Rogue shouted.
"Yeah!" Bobby made a fist.
"You have to take a number and wait your turn behind the rest of us!" Rogue continued.
"WHAT?" Bobby yelled.
"Well you have been pretty annoying lately," Rogue told him.
"I'll second that," Scott grumbled. "It took me an hour to get rid of all the snow in my underwear drawer. AND ANYBODY WHO MAKES A CRACK ABOUT THAT IS GONNA GET BLASTED THROUGH A WALL!"
"I'm sensing some tension here," Psyche-Out said calmly.
"Wow, what a masterful diagnosis," Lance said sarcastically. "No wonder Xavier and the other adults left us in your capable hands."
"Isn't it so convenient that the Professor had to take off for a conference in Washington DC, again?" Jean asked sarcastically.
"Yeah even I can figure out that half these 'conferences' probably don't even exist," Fred grumbled.
"Man if even the Blob can figure that out the Professor must be slipping," Bobby grunted.
"You know some days being not able to touch anyone doesn't seem that bad," Rogue groaned. "At least I won't be breeding idiots!"
"I wouldn't be too sure of that," Pietro said. "That Cajun's pretty tricky. Knowing him…"
"Oh you are just itching to get your butt kicked, aren't you?" Remy snarled, readying his cards.
"Violence! Violence!" Todd hopped up and down, pointing to Remy. "Our personal space is not being respected!"
"Remy respect you," Remy snapped. "When you dead, Remy respect you!"
"Threats! Threats!" Todd yelled.
"You little…" Rogue growled, making a fist.
"See! See!" Todd pointed, still hopping.
"He's right!" Pietro joined in. "Violence!"
"Yeah Rogue you should really learn to control your temper like the rest of us," Fred said.
"And you should control that big fat mouth, you…." Rogue snapped.
"ENOUGH!" Psyche-Out shouted. "You all know the rules! No threats! No violence! And no using your powers on each other!"
"BBBBBBLLLLTTTTT!" Todd blew a raspberry at Rogue and Remy.
"And no raspberries," Psyche-Out said.
"HA!" Rogue sneered.
"And no gloating!" Psyche-Out said. "These sessions are important to help you learn self control and respect for each other. To find peaceful ways of coexisting and learning to grow as a person."
"Is that why we come to these stupid things?" Bobby asked. "I always thought they were some kind of punishment for all the stuff we break."
"That too," Psyche-Out added. "But right now we need to focus on our anger issues. And we all know everyone in this room has loads of them. Let's start off with our homework from last session. Everyone was supposed to write a letter conveying his or her anger at someone. Now I am not going to force anyone to read theirs aloud…"
"Good cause Remy didn't do his…" Remy muttered under his breath.
"But I want to stress that everyone should feel safe to read theirs if they feel like it," Psyche-Out pretended he didn't hear that. "This is supposed to be a supportive, nurturing environment."
"Since when?" Lance asked.
"News to me," Peter remarked.
"I didn't say it was," Psyche-Out sighed. "I said it's supposed to be. Now does anyone want to go first?"
"I will," Wanda raised her hand. "I'm not afraid."
"Very good Wanda," Psyche-Out grinned. "See, Wanda isn't afraid of showing her emotions. She's willing to take a chance with her vulnerability. Go ahead Wanda. We're here to support you."
"Here goes…Dear Father," Wanda read from her letter. "DIE!"
"Well that's a powerful statement," Psyche-Out said. "It shows a lot of emotion. Is there any more?"
"No," Wanda said. "But I think that pretty much covers it."
"Okay does anybody else want to read their letter?" Psyche-Out asked.
"I dunno," Rogue quipped. "I don't think ours are as open and heart wrenching as Wanda's."
"At least I wrote something!" Wanda snapped. "Unlike some people who spend their free time playing poker and trying to peek in a certain girl's window."
"WHAT?" Rogue glared at Remy.
"Chere! I didn't! Remy…." He glared at Wanda. "Thanks a lot!"
"Just sharing with the group," Wanda smiled sweetly.
"Well as long as we're sharing," Remy remarked. "Let's share about how a certain couple was making out yesterday in the X-Van…"
"What Scott and I were doing is nobody's business!" Jean snapped. "God all we want is a little privacy around here!"
"Actually Remy wasn't talking about you," Remy told them. "Remy was referring to Toad and Wavedancer."
"Can I help it if my Toddles is totally snuggable?" Althea snapped.
"Oh man! I knew that the van smelled funny yesterday!" Scott winced.
"I'm gonna be sick…" Jean held her hand over her mouth.
"You're not the only one…" Wanda rolled her eyes.
"Remy sorry he brought it up," Remy winced.
"That's it! This session is over!" Scott stood up.
"I second the motion!" Wanda agreed.
"Nobody is going anywhere!" Psyche-Out said. "Sit down!" Scott reluctantly did so. "Look I understand that this is difficult for all of you, but this therapy does help."
"Help with what?" Althea asked. "Help put the entire construction industry put their kids through college?"
"Yeah, all we ever end up doing is fighting and screwing things up even more," Kurt pointed out.
"And blowing things up," Angelica said.
"On the other hand it keeps me busy," Lina remarked for the first time. "I mean it. I'm really learning a lot about bandaging and treating wounds."
"See? Other than Lina honing up on her medical skills this therapy is a complete waste of time!" Kitty snapped.
"But you've all made such progress since your early days," Psyche-Out said. "Remember when you were against each other as X-Men and Brotherhood?"
"You mean the good old days?" Scott asked. "Before the world hated us?"
"And there was no insane Xi, angry Althea or Triplets who tried to strip every boy in sight?" Remy sighed.
"Or cocky Cajuns and metal headed morons on the X-Geeks," Lance pointed out.
"My point is back then you guys hated each other," Psyche-Out said. "You were always fighting."
"And it's different now, why?" Pietro asked.
"Because now we actually win a few battles," Todd spoke up.
"No, no…" Psyche-Out shook his head. "I mean you've all changed in how you relate to each other."
"Hey remember back in high school when we used to do stuff to them and get them in trouble?" Fred said. "Like when Pietro used unscrew the tops on the salt shakers at their table? Or Toad used to slime their lockers?"
"But not before we stole their lunches!" Todd said proudly.
"Not to mention the tires on my car!" Scott snapped.
"Oh that was a long time ago!" Lance waved. "Get over it!"
"Get over it?" Jean's voice grew louder. "You guys still do it! You guys are the reason we're banned from half the stores in town! And half of our lawsuits!"
"Yeah and the zoo incident where you got us thrown in the slammer!" Bobby snapped.
"You left slime in the bathroom yesterday!" Kurt shouted.
"And you cleaned out our refrigerator when you came over to mooch breakfast from us!" Rogue added.
"NOT TO MENTION YOU STOLE MY TIRES THIS MORNING!" Scott shouted.
"Well, we haven't done the saltshaker thing for a while," Pietro shrugged. "That's got to mean something."
"It's a start…" Psyche-Out sighed. "Why don't we do some role playing?"
"Ooh! Ooh! Can I be a cowboy?" Fred raised his hand.
"Ooh! I wanna be Donald Trump yo!" Todd called out.
"Dibs on Luke Skywalker!" Arcade shouted.
"Lord, give me strength," Kurt put his head into his hands.
"Yeah, strength to strangle their thick necks," Rogue snarled.
"Enough!" Psyche-Out shouted. "You have to be a person who annoys you."
"Oh where do I begin with this group?" Rogue rolled her eyes. "You might want to narrow the field a little bit, Psyche."
"The person you have a specific issue with," Psyche-Out sighed. "Something reasonable and not petty!"
"You're still gonna have to whittle that down for me," Rogue grunted.
"I'll go first," Lance grinned and whipped out a pair of sunglasses. He put them on. "I'm Scott Summers. I'm better than anyone else in the whole world and Professor X knows it. That's why he made me the leader of the X-Dorks. Secretly I like to be spanked by my girlfriend while wearing a lace teddy."
"You've been preparing for that a while, huh?" Todd asked.
"Oh yeah," Lance grinned.
"Look at me, I'm Jean…" Pietro began to sing.
"IF YOU SING THAT STUPID SONG ONE MORE TIME QUICKSLIVER, I'M GONNA THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!" Jean shouted.
"I'm Jean Grey," Althea quipped. "I'm perfect in every way. And anyone who doesn't think so is going to get beaten to a pulp. I love Scott because I can get him to do anything I want. I have him better trained than the seals at Sea World."
"I'm Althea Delgado, a punk haired lunatic who's dating a desperate idiot pretending to be a slut," Jean shot back. "Of course I'll do anything to forget for a moment that my father is a drunk and my sisters are the antichrist in triplicate!"
"I'm Lance Alvers," Scott grunted. "I create earthquakes and destruction and I'm a waste of a human life."
"Hey!" Peter shouted. "I wanted to do Alvers!"
"Tough, I've known him longer," Scott snapped.
"You guys are like so immature," Kitty folded her arms.
"I'm like, Kitty Pryde and I like to have two boyfriends to fight over me and give me lots of attention," Lina spoke up. "That way I can claim to be the prettiest X-Man."
"HEY!" Kitty snapped.
"Wow, that was good Lina," Angelica blinked.
"I didn't want to be left out," Lina shrugged sheepishly.
"Remy here," Fred said in a surprisingly good French accent. "Remy is afraid of commitment because Remy was abandoned as a child and his step-papa raised him to be a thief. So Remy put on this charming act to get attention from women which he never got as a baby. That way Remy pretend not to care if women come and go so he could never be hurt in a real relationship."
"Wow," Lance blinked. "That's really good Freddy."
"Yeah and not just the accent," Kitty said. "You got Gambit down pretty pat."
"He does not!" Remy snapped. "That is so not Remy!"
"Sorry Swamp Rat but you gotta admit he's got a point," Rogue chuckled.
"Oh yeah?" Remy snapped. Then he tried to make a Texas accent. "Duh, I'm Blob and I'm big and fat and stupid and I eat all day!" To illustrate his point he grabbed a plate of cookies nearby and started to stuff them into his mouth.
"Uh, dude," Kurt whispered to Remy. "Kitty baked those."
Remy's eyes bulged and he spat them out of his mouth. "MEDIC! REMY NEED A MEDIC!"
"Oh you'll need a medic all right!" Kitty leapt to her feet. "Lina! Get ready for today's lesson: How to treat a broken neck!" She tackled Remy and tried to choke him.
"OKAY BREAK IT UP!" Psyche-Out grabbed Kitty and tried to quiet down the bickering teens. "BREAK IT UP! THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GET HEALTHY!"
"We got him," Shipwreck announced proudly wheeling Xavier in. Roadblock and Ororo were behind him.
"What took you so long?" Scott asked.
"He tried to duck out on us at the airport. You know for a guy stuck in a wheelchair he's pretty fast," Shipwreck indicated Xavier with his thumb.
"Welcome to the session Professor," Psyche-Out breathed a sigh of relief. "So glad you could make it."
"Look I really did have a conference to go to!" Xavier snapped.
"Nice try Professor but Arcade found out that conference was cancelled a month ago," Kitty snapped.
"See you can work together for a common goal," Psyche-Out nodded his head. "Professor it's good that you are here because I don't think I can keep them from killing each other much longer."
"Oh way to instill confidence in us, Psyche," Lance put his chin in his hand and leaned on his knee. "And people wonder why we have issues?"
"Professor why do we have to do this?" Bobby asked. "This therapy stuff is stupid."
"It is not stupid," Ororo folded her arms. "This is something we need to do to work together as a group and get along. There is too much hostility between our two teams!"
"But where does this hostility come from?" Psyche-Out asked. "I think there is one major cause we've failed to look at."
"And what would that be?" Xavier asked.
"Well you obviously," Psyche-Out stated.
"What?" Xavier glared at him.
"Xavier you have to admit that you and the other instructors have had a major part in this rivalry from the beginning," Psyche-Out said. "You did train your students to take out the Brotherhood in simulations."
"Yeah, that's right!" Rogue remembered.
"I think that's a little far fetched," Xavier said. "Perhaps we should…"
"I dunno Professor," Scott folded his arms. "For once Psyche here has a point!"
"Yeah, first you teach us how to fight them and now you're trying to get us together every chance you get!" Kurt added.
"Talk about your mixed messages," Kitty glared at him.
"Now hold on…" Xavier tried to defend himself.
"You were always very hostile to us," Todd remarked. "Remember that little test you gave me when we first met with the lightning and the bombs and the Danger Room going off and…"
"You are never going to drop that aren't you?" Ororo groaned.
"Would you get over something like that?" Shipwreck asked her.
"Boy has a point," Roadblock said. "For civilians you have a lot of firearms in this joint."
"You know Bobby's right," Xavier said quickly. "This is rather stupid and this therapy is obviously not working so…"
"Hold on Professor," Fred grinned. "I think we've just stumbled onto a breakthrough."
"Yeah now that I think about it," Kurt looked at Xavier. "You were always saying how we should keep an eye on them and keep them from causing trouble."
"But that was when…" Xavier began.
"Wait the Professor never hassled me for dating Lance back then," Kitty said.
"He didn't have to," Scott said. "He delegated that job to the rest of us!"
"WHAT?" Lance yelled.
"Now what I meant was…" Xavier began.
"Oh I get it," Todd folded his arms. "He didn't have to worry about Kitty and Rocky here getting it on because he got you all up in arms."
"Way to parent, Professor," Fred grunted.
"Wait a minute," Xavier began. "You're all…"
"My god, why didn't we see this before?" Jean said. "You know you never really encouraged us to try and go recruit the Brotherhood much. Not even Rogue!"
"That's right!" Kurt snapped. "Even when Tabitha left for a bit you weren't that happy about her coming over here while she was with them!"
"Totally uncool Professor," Bobby shook his head.
"I think we have uncovered some of the tension here," Psyche-Out grinned. "From now on Professor you will be a part of the therapy sessions. In fact in your case therapy will be mandatory. At least twice a week."
"Now wait just a minute here!" Xavier protested.
"He'll be there," Ororo said. "I'll make sure of that!"
"In that case I'm coming to therapy too!" Shipwreck beamed.
"Oh god…" Xavier put his head in his hands.
"I'm sure we can explore all kinds of personal issues together," Shipwreck grinned. "And you and I can get more personal, Storm."
"Touch me and be frozen in ice for the next millennia," Ororo glared at him.
"See you have a real problem with intimacy," Shipwreck pointed.
"And you will have a problem being intimate with anyone ever again if you don't shut up!" Ororo shouted.
"Violence! Violence!" Todd and Arcade shouted.
"Good! We need more of that!" Rogue snapped.
"Yeah think of it as aggression therapy!" Wanda shouted. Soon the kids were bickering again. Ororo was soon chasing around Shipwreck and Roadblock and Psyche-Out were trying to calm the kids down without getting killed.
"I think it's time for me to take some medication," Xavier said quietly to himself as he wheeled out of the room. "Something by the good Dr. Jack Daniels comes to mind."
Todd however overheard this. "He's falling off the wagon!" He shouted. "Alcohol intervention time!"
"Oh no you don't!" Rogue shouted. "If we're not allowed to drink to solve our problems neither are you!"
"Get him!" Jean shouted as they chased after Xavier.
"Man who would have thought a guy in a wheelchair could move so fast?" Todd grumbled.