Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue I quit my job
Author: Kaie
Title: Being Wesley
Rating: PG-13 for some language.
It was all too easy to just disappear. To fade into nothing, because he was so close to nothing before. The phone doesn't ring. No one knocks on the door. It is as close to peace as he could imagine. But it reminded him too much of days on end spent in the closet. It reminds him that his father is always right, he never amounted to anything.
Life was cruel. Wickedly, beautifully cruel. It held you up so breathtakingly high for a few short moments, pausing just long enough to let you get a glimpse of the world. Then It dropped you back into the dark where you belong. Wesley belonged here. In the dark. He was most comfortable here anyway. It was easier to be unseen than to be seen.
But he wanted...
Just a small part of him...
That was threatening to take over the whole...
Wanted her to miss him. Wanted tears to form in chocolate brown eyes. Wanted her to feel that little bit of sadness that he was gone. But she wouldn't. He wasn't stupid. He was actually a lot smarter than most people gave him credit for. He wanted to feel her again. Not the physical shape of her.
He wanted to feel her presence in the room. Her light against his dark. He wanted her to make him forget. He wanted to forget and go back to the beginning. Back to where it all started. Back to his mistakes. Not that he would change them. They made him who he was.
He was...
The eternal fuck-up. The nancy-english boy. The naïve lover. The broken spirit. The wannabe badass. The lunatic. The man.
All of them rolled into one. The one sitting here in the dark, because he cannot summon up enough give a crap to stand up and turn the lights on. He has been sitting in the dark for days. He hasn't eaten in longer than that. He knows he looks like shit. But he has control. He is in control of himself and what he looks like. That's what it is all about. What it was always about. His control. And if he goes back...
...to them...to her...to it...
he could lose it. And that just wouldn't be Wesley.