Home
After the destruction of Sunnydale, Xander wanted nothing more then to be alone, he wanted to grief. For Anya, for his parents, for the loss of his old life, the loss of his youth, his eye, everything really. He had always been the optimistic one of the Scooby's, but that day the optimistic part of Xander Harris gave up. He had been hurting for seven years now and all he wanted to do was drown in his pain.
But they hadn't given him a chance, they let him yell, they let him cry, but they never gave up on him. They had lost too much to also lose him. It seemed like they took turns. Buffy, Dawn, Andrew, Giles, Faith, even Kennedy. They stood by him, hoping to see a part of the old Xander again.
And always there was Willow. She never took turns, she was just there. Giving him space when he needed it, a shoulder for comfort, a buddy to relax with. She became his Willow again.
But after a while they realised that they needed to seperate from each other. Evil was still lurking everywhere, and they had to fight it. For Xander it was a relief, he had the chance to break free for once. To figure it out on his own, even though he would miss them all like crazy. Would miss her like crazy...
So, Willow and Kennedy headed for Brazil, Giles took some of the slayers with him to England and Buffy and Dawn started a new life in Rome. Xander just wanted to go as far away as possible and ended up in Africa, searching for new slayers.
Here, he could find himself again. He wasn't one of the Scooby's, the heart of the gang or the ever wisecracking side-kick anymore. He was just Xander Harris. A young man who had his whole future ahead of him and needed to figure out what he wanted to do with it.
After a year in Africa he still didn't know what he wanted to do with his future, but he did know who he wanted to spend it with. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, he was one of them, he had been from the start. Being alone, Xander realised that he needed his loved ones around him, and that he needed her around him. His Willow.
He wanted to go home, to her, but he didn't know where home was anymore. Everybody had build a life somewhere in the world and he didn't know if he was welcome, if he was needed. Afraid to find out, he decided to stay in Africa.
"Xander."
Xander looked up from his laptop, smiling when he saw Michael approaching him. During the year he had spend in West-Africa, Michael had been there as his guide, he was English, but had lived in Africa since the age of ten. Without him he would have never found the twenty slayers who they were training right now. And it helped that Michael already knew about the dark forces of life. His father had once been on the Watcher's council. Xander liked having a male friend. It was the the first time in years that he had a real guy friend and together they prepared the girls for the future laying ahead of them.
Giles only wanted the best for his academy in England and Xander's task was to see if the girls were up for the job, he was supposed to see if they were going to be good slayers. He found it ironic. Here he was, the former King of Cretins, preparing young girls for the life of slaying.
He smiled at his friend.
"Hey Michael."
"Are you sending an e-mail to Giles again?"
He shook his head, his smile dissapearing.
"No, me and Giles have e-mailed before, the girls will leave for England this afternoon. We need to get them to Banjul in a couple of hours. Their plane will leave at four. Is everybody ready to go?"
"They look ready, a bit scared...But that is to be expected."
Xander just nodded, lost in thought. Michael sighed.
"You still haven't heard from her, have you?"
"No, nothing."
Frustrated, Xander stood up, a worried expression on his face.
"Still nothing, what if something has happened to her, she could be hurt or worse...She would write me if she could, she always does."
For over a year now Xander had been in contact with his friends through e-mail. It was the only decent way of communicating in Africa. Buffy and Dawn would send him an update of their lifes every other week, which always made him smile. They were finally happy. And he would write to Giles on a regular basis, although it was often work related.
But Willow, she would send him an e-mail every day. Even if it was just to say hi. He loved these e-mails as much as he loved her. But there had been no new
e-mails in his inbox for three days and that scared him. He was so lost in thought that he hardly noticed his English friend anymore.
Michael looked at his friend and decided to let him be. Knowing that there was nothing he could say that would make it better.
He loved her, it was as simple as that. Michael had known that the first day he talked about her. He loved all of them, Buffy, Dawn, Giles. But whenever he mentioned Willow there was something different about him. His eye would sparkle and his mind was always a million miles away, with her. She was the one who gave him the most yoy and the most sorrow. She was his best friend, but she would never be his lover. He turned and left his friend alone with his laptop.
Once Michael was gone, Xander turned to his computer again. Reading the last e-mail she had send him three days ago.
Hey Xand,
Boy, is this getting hard. I hate this you know, well not this, I love being in touch with you. But I hate..I hate that this is the only way we can keep in touch. Especially since there is no touching. And get your mind out of the gutter right now mister. I meant that I miss holding you, or touching your arm or..hey, right now I would touch any bodypart you had to offer. Remember Harris...mind out of the gutter...
I miss your smile and your stupid Snoopy dance, I still can't believe that I spent a Christmas without that dance. I should have dragged your ass over here!
But most of all, I just miss you, I miss my Xander. Would you please, please, stop being so stubborn and just come and visit me. Why are you suddenly so afraid to see me? It's me silly, Willow. You know you are always welcome. No matter where I am.
You promise me to think about coming home. Really, really, promise me.
Love ya,
Willow
He had send her an e-mail back, saying that he just couldn't come back. That is was to hard, he had told her that before and she never understood why it was so hard for him to see her. Because he couldn't tell her the truth. He couldn't tell her that he loved her so much that it was better to be away from her. The alternative was being with her, without ever really being with her.
He closed his laptop and got up to prepare for their trip to Banjul. It was a two hour drive to the airport of Banjul, he needed to pack some stuff. He wanted to stay in Banjul for a while after he had send the girls of. Decide what he was going to do now. His work here was done.
Giles wanted to send him to Japan now, since there were also slayers to be found. He didn't know if he was going to accept the offer. He couldn't spend the rest of his life running al over the world, hiding from her. He had to settle somewhere. And maybe Africa was the place to settle, it was beautiful and he could be useful here.
An hour later all the girls were ready to go, and so was he. Looking around for the last time, he said goodbye to the camp they had spend the last four months in. The drive to the airport was over before he knew it, and so were the goodbyes. Xander hadn't known how much he meant to his slayers until he was stormed in a group hug at the airport. He would miss them as well, they had become very important to him. Once the last girl vanished out of his sight he turned to Michael.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
His friend smiled.
"I have my own plane to catch. It leaves in an hour, I'm going to Paris."
Xander blinked.
"Paris? What the hell is there in Paris, man?"
"My mother. I tracked her down and found out she's living in Paris. I have to know why she left me, you know..To close that chapture of my life. Maybe you should try that too, you can't stay here forever."
Xander smiled, a sad smile.
"I could try...Maybe it won't be so bad."
Michael hugged his friend.
"Take it from me, hiding never works out. Go home Xander, go to Willow. It will work out, I promise."
Xander released his friend, realising that he was going to miss him.
"Thanks man, take care of yourself. And keep in touch, let me know how it turns out."
The Englishman nodded.
"I will. Bye man. I'll see you later."
And then he was alone. He watched his friend go and turned around. Once outside he looked at the world he was living in now. It was always hard stepping into the every day life again after being at the airport. Banjul had a very modern airport, it was new and shiny and it made you forget about where you were for a while. But once outside there was no denying, he was still in Africa. He walked over to a taxi, talked about the price he was going to pay and half an hour later he was in his hotel room. Opening up his laptop he saw that he still had no new messages. He decided to send a message to Giles.
Hi G-man,
Here's a message from me. All the slayers to be are heading your way as we speak. They should arrive in Londen in about seven hours, so don't be late picking them up. But I suppose that you'll be at that airport two hours early, being your own English self. I think you will approve of them, and do me a favor, give them a chance to adjust to their new surroundings. Don't bore them to tears right away, ok? I like them, there my girls, treat them well. Or I'll hunt you down, you may have a Ripper inside of you, but I'm youger!
Have you heard from Willow, I'm kinda worried about her. I haven't heard from her in a couple of days. If you hear something, let me know, please.
I kinda miss you, old man.
Xander
He closed his laptop, getting up to take a shower. When he looked into the bathroom mirror he was suprised to see his own reflection. The last four months had been spent in a camp, with no real mirrors to look into. He had somehow changed, he looked...older... alone and not at all happy. He stepped into the shower, letting the water run over his body. Taking away the dust that always seemed to cling to him here.
When he stepped out of the shower, he quickly got dressed. Deciding to go into town to see if he could find something decend to eat, it would be the first good meal in a long time. He was about to leave when there was a knock on his door. Walking to the door he found the last person he expected to see at his doorstep.
"Willow, what are you..."
He din't have time to finish his question because she hugged him with so much force that it almost took all of the air out of his lungs. He couldn't believe it, he was hugging his Willow, inhaling her scent, she was here. When she finally let go of him, she just smiled at him, waiting for him to say something. But he just stood there, taking in her smile, her beauty. So, she broke the silence.
"I decided that enough was enough, I needed to see you."
He was confused, to say the least.
"Why are you here?"
Her green eyes looked into his brown ones.
"We're Xander and Willow, there shouldn't be an ocean between us."
He finally got out of his trance, meeting her smile with one of his own.
"No, there shouldn't be."
He moved in to hug her again and whispered in her ear.
"God, I missed you so much, Will... But how did you get here, how did you know where I was?"
She pulled him even closer to her.
"You made reservations for this place a week ago, on your creditcard. I kinda forced Giles to tell me what you were doing here in Africa and he told me you were going to be in this hotel. After that it was easy, I hopped on a plane and here I am."
He stepped away from her, sitting down on his bed.
"Where's Kennedy?"
She shrugged.
"Somewhere in Brazil I guess. I wouldn't really know, we broke up."
"I'm sorry, Will."
She sat down next to him, taking his hand.
"Don't be, I'm not."
He looked at their joined hands, amazed at how right it felt to touch her.
"You still haven't answered my question, why are you here?"
She sighed.
"It's complicated, this last year...It has been..weird."
He raised his eyebrows.
"Weird?"
She nodded.
"Yes weird, I was having fun in Brazil you know. And me and Kennedy were doing fine. Not wonderful, but fine. But I just..it just didn't feel right and I couldn't figure out why. Until I realised that the only time I was truly happy in that place was when I was reading your e-mails. It's just..I can't feel at home anywhere in the world if you're not there. It's not possible."
He grinned.
"You missed your best bud, huh?"
"Yeah, I did."
Xander didn't know how to respond to that, he had missed her too. Seeing her now, even for a couple of minutes, had made him realise that the last year had been spent in a fog. With her, he could be living again. Even if she just wanted her best bud. He had to settle for being her best friend.
"Then that's what I'll be, your best bud."
She had a confused expression on her face.
"What do you mean, that's what you'll be? Haven't you always been my best bud?"
He got up from the bed, pacing.
"Of course I've always been your best friend, you know that. What I mean is..that's enough for me. It has to be, because this last year was..it was beautiful in many ways but also terrifying and lonely and I don't want to live like that anymore. So, I will settle, I will be your best friend and nothing more. It's enough."
She blinked.
"You want to be something more?"
He stopped pacing, looking at her. Debating whether or not he should tell her the truth. Knowing that she would never hurt him, he made his desiscion.
"Yeah, I want something more. I didn't plan that, after Anya I didn't think I would ever want something more again. But with you, that's just right to me. You and me, we fit. And I know that you don't feel that way, since you fit with girls and all, but I wanted you to know...I wanted you to know that I love you. In the 'in love' way."
He could see that she was shocked, she was hardly moving and was looking at him with big green eyes.
"You're in love with me?"
"Yes, I'm in love with you. And you..well, you will fall in love with someone else someday. Some girl who you'll be very happy with, and I want you to have that. But sometimes I wish that you weren't gay or that I was a woman. That would be nice, having breasts and all. But I'm not and you are gay and I have to accept that."
She stood up, a smile forming on her lips.
"I am attracted to women, yes."
"You see, I knew that."
Her hand reached up to touch his face, forcing him to look at her.
"But you don't get it. What me and you have, it's not about being gay or straight. It's about us, you and me. I don't think I could ever fall for a guy again, but that doensn't include you. You're my Xander, I didn't fall in love with you because you were a boy or a girl. I fell in love with Xander. So, I'm not gay, and I'm not straight either. I'm Xander smitten."
He smiled, not hiding the tears in his eyes.
"Is that some new term, you can be gay, bi, straight or Xander smitten?"
"No, only I can be Xander smitten, the rest of the world will have to do with all these other terms you just mentioned."
Reaching up to cup her face he brushed some hair out of her face.
"Are you sure? Are you sure you love me, because you don't have to do this for me. It will be hard, but I can handle it. I don't want you to do something that you're unhappy with and if you are only doing this..."
She interrupted him.
"Xander, stop talking."
And she kissed him. Leaving no doubt in his mind whether or not she loved him. Because he felt it, that same special spark he had felt a long time ago. During their fluke, when they were both to young to understand what that spark meant. But now, they were finally getting it. Panting, he pulled away from her, still holding her.
"What do you want to do now?"
She smiled, her eyes wandering of to the bed.
"I have some ideas."
His eyes darkened, and he had to pull himself together so he could continue their conversation.
"No, I don't mean that, I mean after..what are we going to do when we step into the real world again. I still don't know where we could go, where we would fit. I still don't know were home is for us."
She kissed him again, looking into his eyes. Wanting to take the confusion away.
"It doens't matter. We will figure it out. As long as we're together, no matter where we are, we're home."
He could only agree with that. Holding her, seeing the love in her eyes for him, being near his Willow, he had found home.
The End