Three days passed.
Lucius Malfoy remained unconscious, but reports from the Order indicated he was alive, his arm showing no signs of returning to its prior state. The medi-witch who checked in on him reported few, if any, signs of complications, although his refusal to wake up worried her. He was scheduled to be released to the Azkaban officials as soon as he was cleared health-wise. The trial would begin within a few weeks.
Albus Dumbledore was rarely present at his school. Instead, McGonagall acted in his stead, running the day-to-day operations while the Headmaster of Hogwarts found himself busy with some errand or another. The Ministry was busy negotiating with some of the Muggle authorities over how to respond to small attacks on muggles and muggle-born wizards' families, and Dumbledore spent hours there, helping Fudge with the politics of such action, while still directing the Order and the actions of its members. What little time he had left went into the school's administrative needs that Minerva simply couldn't handle. The toll all of this was taking was evident; the wizard's usual serene and positive energy was waning, and he looked far more tired than ever before.
Harry Potter was slowly growing more and more irritated with the professors around him. Just when he thought the teachers were beginning to treat him less like a child, the silence began again. He knew that Drecorum and Snape had been at the Order headquarters the other day, and he knew that they'd done something important. He'd overheard Hermione and McGonagall talking about some complex bit of transfiguration that Drecorum had managed to pull off, and there was only one guess what that was. Of all people he thought he could count on to keep him in the loop, Drecorum was it. Instead, no one answered his questions and Drecorum went off into some sort of near-isolation again. This was becoming more stressful than he'd ever anticipated. All he wanted was answers, and once again, no one seemed to want to provide them.
And, after three days of witnessing uncharacteristic silence and nervousness, Severus Snape developed the distinct impression that Desdemona Drecorum was hiding something from him. She'd grown distant and cold, shutting him out. This time, he had no idea why, but it was bothering him more than he wanted to admit. Desi didn't keep quiet; she screamed like a banshee. If something was eating at her, keeping her quiet and withdrawn, what was it?
By day four, all Hell broke loose.
"He's awake, alive, and unmarked. The medi-witch said he needed a few days to get his strength back, but other than that, you can't tell he was ever tortured by the curse or in a coma from the transfiguration. Congratulate yourself, Des. You found the way to undo what should have been permanent. You-know-who's not going to like this."
If his head had consisted of more than flame, she'd have hit it with the poker. "Well, I had help. Thank the founders Miss Granger has a better hand at transfiguration than I, or we'd still be back at square one. I would never have thought of transfiguration; that was her idea, based off reading about the Dark Mark in Sev's class. I was merely looking for a potion to solve the problem."
Lupin chuckled. "You can't save all the men in your life with a mere potion, Des."
She smiled for the first time in days. "Hey, it worked once. Just make sure you take yours, Remus. I think I finally figured out what happens in eight days." Her face warred between stern disapproval and friendly amusement.
A roar of laughter came from the fireplace. "He deserved it, Des. And the look on his face... did he take me seriously?"
This time she outright smirked. "Maybe. And while it was a lovely big-brotherly thing to do, Remus, if I was really interested in dating a werewolf, you and I could have taken care of that years ago. For whatever reason, I prefer him as is, angst, black wardrobe, and all."
Remus Lupin sighed sarcastically, turning away from the flame for a second. "Well, there you go, breaking my heart. All my hopes and dreams of our future have just been dashed on the rocks." He suddenly caught a look in Des's eyes he wasn't used to seeing. Sadness gleamed behind the blue eyes, and her posturing was very withdrawn and guarded. This wasn't his little sister's normal behavior. "Are you alright, Des?"
Desi turned away from the fire for a moment, taking that break to get her emotions in check. "Yes, I'm fine."
"You sure? You don't look fine, sis. In fact, you look a pretty good distance from fine."
She smiled wanly at his concern. It was sweet, how he was so protective of her feelings, even after all these years. She knew how much her friendship meant to him; she'd known about his 'condition' longer than most of the students at Hogwarts. She'd been there for him when James and Lily died; when they thought Sirius had killed Peter, he'd been an emotional wreck. For a while, she was the only friend he had left who had cared enough to watch over him during his transformations. It was why she spent years working on the Wolfsbane Potion; her big brother deserved a real life.
She'd been by his side just as he'd been by hers. When she'd been resorted into Gryffindor, it was Remus who held her as she cried in the common room night after night. When she was sent to America, it was Remus who went with her, making sure she was secure. He had been hell-bent on making sure she was protected, safe, and as happy as possible.
But Remus couldn't always stand by her side.
She nodded. "Really, I'm fine. I promise. I just have to do something now, and I've got that suspicion that it's not going to be pleasant."
Lupin nodded. He knew that soft tone all too well. While some people could conceal their emotions with ease, Des had always been an open book to him. He knew when to back away and give her the space she needed. Besides, he would always be there for her when she needed him, and she knew that all too well.
It was one of those unspoken agreements between people who had been friends for decades. Sometimes, words never uttered aloud carried the most weight of all.
"Well, then, I'll leave you to it." With a loud pop, he left the fireplace and turned to an elderly man who sat in the shadows, out of sight of the fireplace. "Well, for what it's worth, I think she's finally decided to tell him."
Dumbledore nodded. "Thank you, Remus. Let's hope this doesn't go as badly as she fears."
Lupin had no response. He hadn't been there that night, something he'd blamed himself for at the time. He knew she'd been feeling like a prisoner; he could have helped. Instead, he'd been elsewhere, spending time with Sirius and Peter and James at some lousy bar, having a few drinks and playing poker like old times. His guilt at not being with Des had been painful, but it didn't measure to what she felt when she'd woken up the next morning.
"Is she alright?"
The older man's tired sigh. "I'm not sure, Remus. Physically, yes, she is fine. Neither of them harmed her. But emotionally? I won't know until she wakes."
"What happened, Dumbledore?" Concern kicking him in the stomach.
"She managed to slip out of the house during the meeting, and ran into Rowe and Malfoy. From what I could see of her memories, Rowe confessed to what we all knew but could not prove; he was responsible for Cassandra and Tobias' deaths. The shock snapped Desdemona's self-control."
Looking at the pensieve on the bedside table. Taking his friend's cold hand. Wishing like hell that this was a bad dream. "You mean...the damage...Des did that?"
A silent nod.
Regret making his heart ache. "I should have been here..."
"How could you have known, Remus? How could any of us have known?"
Silence filling the corners of the room.
"What will happen when the ministry finds out?"
Firm resolution. "They will not find out, Remus. They believe it was self-defense; that she was too young to know what she did. That is what they will continue to believe. Is that clear?"
Swallowing in the face of his former headmaster. "Yes, sir."
Fatigue taking over the old man. "Let us leave her. She needs her rest far more than anything else. She will need her strength soon enough."
A whisper as they closed her door. "I should have never kept her so close so long."
The next morning, sitting by her bed as she looked at him with empty eyes. "How do I begin to say I'm sorry, Remus?"
Having no answer for her.
The guilt she laid on herself was enormous, but he understood why. Losing her self-control like that, her rash decision to sneak out of the house, her short-sightedness had not only cost a man his life and her some freedom, but it also resonated with a decision that Snape had made years ago. A decision she had despised. A decision she was determined never to forgive. She spent years loathing herself afterwards, feeling as if she were no better than the Death Eater who had died at her hands. But, above all else, it had shown her what she was capable of, and she feared that part of herself.
It was what made them such close friends. They both feared the monsters that resided in their souls.
Desdemona strode through hallways, passing classrooms and study rooms right and left. She'd hoped to spend a few hours working on some of the more complicated potions that her class would be concocting for their NEWTs. Part of her teaching philosophy was providing examples; if they could see the way hers' turned out, it meant a better product overall. Even Neville Longbottom was slowly improving, but she suspected that was because he was less scared of her than of Severus. She also needed to clear her mind, and for some reason, a smoldering cauldron helped. She'd have to find Severus sometime soon to attempt the Mutopriopro spell, and the voice in her head told her she should do that as soon as her mind was clear enough to concentrate.
Severus had bugged her for three days running about the spell. She'd never before thought that she could grow so weary of his voice, his presence. But she had.
That's not fair, girl. You're avoiding him for reasons completely separate from the spell, and you know it. Your papa's right. You shouldn't keep this secret. Look what it's doing to you right now. You're as much Gryffindor as Slytherin, child – own up to that bravery and get it over with.
She hated her conscience.
All she wanted was some quiet and peaceful silence for two hours to work on the remembrance potion of hers. That's all she asked for in the world. Two hours of peace, bliss, fire and cauldron.
Instead, she heard voices from one of the rooms she passed. Raised voices. Raised voices she recognized.
This wasn't a good sign.
"...trying to, if you'd shut up long enough to let me explain!"
"Don't you dare tell me to shut up, Potter!"
"Then give me a second! We've been going at this for hours."
"I'm taking precious time out of my schedule to school you in these defenses, at your request as I recall, and damn it all, you're going to learn them if it takes until next Christmas!"
Desi threw the doors open. "What in the world are you two doing?" She stared at Severus and Harry, wands aimed at each other, looks of death in their eyes. They both jumped at her presence, their wand arms fell to their sides, and silence filled the room.
She seethed at the sight. How many hours had she spent arguing with that thick-headed excuse for a Slytherin about this? And damn it, didn't she lecture Harry on this just the other day? Hell's bells, couldn't the two act mature for five seconds? "I'm waiting for an answer. And it had better be good because if it isn't, when my grandfather gets his hands on you both..." She trailed off with a line of curses that made both men turn pale and stare at her with jaws hanging wide.
"WELL?" The bark of her voice hung in the air. Snape and Potter exchanged looks before one braved the witch's ire.
That privilege fell to Severus.
"Extra defense classes." He muttered with uncharacteristic meekness, examining a spot on the floor in front of him with incredible interest. He wouldn't have lost his temper if Potter had kept his in check. Well, probably wouldn't have lost his temper. He shouldn't have been shouting at Potter, but having the young wizard refuse to listen to him on top of everything else was getting to be more than enough for him. Damn it all, the waiting game with Malfoy and the transfiguration, not to mention Desi's weird moments of uneasiness, was all grating on his nerves.
Desi crossed her arms. "And part of these lessons includes screaming at each other? I don't really remember Voldemort creating a curse out of 'shut up'. When did that happen?"
Harry took a deep breath. In all fairness to himself, he was to blame as much as Snape. He was distracted from the feelings of exclusion from the professors who had welcomed him into their fold earlier this year. "It's my fault, Professor. I asked Professor Snape to help me with extra defense lessons, since he's been teaching stuff in class you never covered." He paused to swallow hard before continuing. "And I disagreed with his philosophy. Perhaps a little too strongly."
Desi's eyes slid from one to the other and back again. "And what philosophy is this, exactly?" The chill still hadn't left her voice.
Harry bit his lip. "He seems to think that my lack of restraint is going to get me killed. That I'm not controlling my emotions well enough. That if I don't learn how to not be provoked, when it comes time to face Voldemort, I'm not going to survive. He," he snarled unthinkingly, jerking his thumb towards the black-clad professor he had been arguing with, "somehow has the idea that emotions are only going to weaken me and make me more susceptible to Voldemort and his tactics."
Desi felt the color leave her face. She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach.
"Child, you need to learn to keep a rein on your emotions. Otherwise, one day, they'll be your undoing."
"But, Papa, it's hard."
"I know, little one. But remember, if you feel rather than think, at the wrong time, you may not be able to save yourself."
Making the mistake eight years later.
"He's right, Harry." The words came out in such a soft waver that neither Snape nor Harry thought they'd heard her correctly. She repeated herself, this time her voice a little stronger. "He's right."
Both men dropped their wands in shock.
Memories washed over her in that instant. Conversations with her grandfather, with Remus. Nightmares of screams in the night and flashes of green light. The fire burning in her heart. The total loss of control. More recent memories: blood on her hands and clothing, not remembering how exactly it happened.
A lone tear fell down her incredibly pale cheek.
"Listen to him, Harry. He's right. Voldemort will use whatever weakness to get to you, especially emotions. Trust him; he'd know." Her voice threatened to crack. "So do I, just not in the same way."
She turned to leave the room but was stopped by a commanding voice. "Would you care to explain that incredibly cryptic comment?"
"Not really." Her retort carried the weight of frustration and undertones of resignation. She fled the room without another word.
"I hate that woman and her enigmatic metaphors!" Snape walked over to where his wand lay on the floor, snatching it quickly. "What does she mean, 'just not in the same way'? Some times I really wish she'd..."
Harry coughed. "I think I know what she meant."
The shouting ceased. Snape spun on his heel to face the young wizard. "What did you say?"
Harry fidgeted for a second. On one hand, he knew he probably shouldn't open his mouth. On the other hand, Snape was likely willing to cause bodily harm right this second.
He erred on the side of caution.
"She told me about her parents' deaths. We both lost our parents to Voldemort, and we talked about that. We talked about how they died, and how it affected us. Drecorum's parents had been sent by the Ministry to arrest Rowe, and they never came home. When she began asking questions about it, when she lived at the Order with Dumbledore, her parents' friends told her that it was her mother's temper that got them in the situation in the first place. That if her mother hadn't snapped, Rowe wouldn't have had the chance to attack them the way he did. Supposedly, he got to her so she did something stupid, and it gave him a chance to do Avada Kedavra on them before apparating."
Snape turned shades of white Harry never thought possible on a human being before. It made his dark hair and clothing that much darker. He couldn't believe what Potter was telling him. He had never known how her parents had died. She'd never told him. All Desi had ever said to him in school was that they'd died when she was ten.
The Ministry sent them to arrest Rowe.
That meant they had been aurors.
Her parents had been killed by a Death Eater.
She had begged him to not become a Death Eater.
Everything started making too much sense.
Damning himself to the deepest part of Hell for what he'd done half a lifetime ago, Severus ran out the open door, bound and determined on somehow making this right with her. He didn't have far to run. Crashing glass told him Desi was breaking things in her classroom again.
"Would you like to put down that flask and talk like civilized people?" He asked her from her classroom doorway, a bottle of belladonna essence in her hand aimed for the far wall.
The bottle flew through the air. "Not really." The chill in the words cut through the air just as the bottle shattered.
He walked over and removed another bottle, this one filled with dragon bile, from her hand. "Too bad." She looked at him with vagueness in her eyes. A sort of emptiness that he never would have associated with Desdemona. He'd only seen that look one in one other person's eyes in his life.
His own. In a mirror, years before, in a hotel room in London.
The vagueness gave way to anger. "Well? You stopped me for some reason. What do you want to talk about? You're obviously here to give me some great Severus-Snape-Holier-Than-Thou lecture. Come on, shout at me!"
He couldn't bring himself to shout back. Her change in temperament took him off-guard, but he couldn't make himself roar back at her. On the other hand, his temper was slowly rising and he wasn't going to be able to keep it in check much longer. The damned woman made him want to slap her back into reality. Instead, he grabbed both of her wrists so she couldn't throw anything else across the room and yanked her towards him, holding her in an iron grip.
"When in bloody hell were you ever planning to tell me about your parents? WHEN, Desi? I've known you since you were eleven years old! I've worked for and with your grandfather for seventeen years. Three years you stalked me from one end of these grounds to another, opening up so you could make me talk to you. How many months have gone by since you let me back into your life? And I have to learn that the woman I love hated me for twenty-five years because a Death Eater killed her parents from a STUDENT? You exceedingly selfish woman! I didn't know, Desi. YOU never bothered to tell me! If I had any clue, don't you think I would have reconsidered that incredibly stupid decision? Damn it, Desi, how was I supposed to know?"
With that, he let go of her wrists.
She took that chance and slapped him.
"I'm getting tired of you charging to my rescue, stopping me from doing what I want. If I want to rant and rave, I will. If I want to scream, yell, and cry, I will. And I'll throw whatever bottles in this room that I please, and you can just take a flying leap off Gryffindor Tower if you don't like it! I don't need a babysitter, Severus!"
He snarled right back. "Really? Because you're acting pretty childish right now!"
"Go to Hell."
"I'm already there, dear." His chest heaved as he tried to breathe instead of join her in destroying her potions' stores. "I've been there for a quarter of a century. Now that I know how deep I cut your heart back then, I merely entered another level of it. Hell and I have been acquainted for more years than you know."
Something inside Desi broke.
"You self-involved complete ass. Always thinking that you're the sole reason for all my pain and misery. Well, you can drop the martyr act this time. This isn't about my damned parents, or you, Severus! It's about me! It's about what I did!" She screamed at him while reaching for anything to throw at the wall; her hand didn't find anything.
He'd moved it all with a wave of his wand. The bastard.
What she did? What in Hades is she talking about? "Fine. I didn't do it. I'm not responsible for whatever has set you off. What is it? What is so terrible that you're not telling me? What is so horrific that it has you throwing things and avoiding questions? Damn it, Desdemona, don't make me go ask Dumbledore!"
When she didn't answer, he snorted in disgust. "Fine. Have it your way." Severus headed for the door.
He stopped at a strangled cry. "Wait!"
Desi stood shaking next to her desk. The auburn hair framing her face accentuated how pale she was; the normal color in her face had faded to a white paler than his own skin. Her shoulders looked as if they bore weights on them.
She looked broken. It almost frightened him.
Desi's voice shook. "You want to know why I'm upset. Fine. It's pretty simple, really. When I was eighteen, I left England for the states to hide from Voldemort and the Ministry of Magic for murdering a Death Eater."
Any remaining color on Severus Snape's face, which hadn't been much to begin with, was now gone. "Wha-when? How? Who? What in the Hell?" With every word, his voice grew in volume until he howled.
Desi swallowed. "When I was eighteen, I was staying with Papa in London in the Order's original headquarters. One night, because I was unbelievably stupid and frustrated with bodyguards and restrictions, I slipped out to take a walk. Waiting for me were Lucius Malfoy and Maximilian Rowe."
A look of recognition suddenly spread on Severus' face. "But Rowe was killed by aurors from the ministry..." His voice trailed off, silenced by the fierce look in the blue eyes before him. Dear Gods. She wasn't kidding.
"No, he wasn't, Sev. I killed him. After he told me that he had been the one to kill my parents. After he outright said he had been sent to London to kill me. After Malfoy made a snide comment about my 'old flame' being elsewhere, and how horrible it was he wasn't there to witness my tragic end." Desi was surprised at how easy the words were falling from her lips. She turned eyes shadowed with guilt towards him. "I lost control. I snapped. I didn't just kill him, Sev. I reveled in it. I enjoyed knowing he was dead and I was the cause." Now her eyes burned with blue fire. "I laughed when it was over."
Severus' head spun like the wheels on a carriage. He'd heard of the damage Rowe was found in. Piles of debris. An entire house destroyed by the blast of the spell that killed Rowe. They'd barely been able to find enough to declare him dead.
That had been...Desi?
It didn't make sense.
"Why am I just now finding this out?" He didn't yell. He didn't growl. Instead, it was an oddly empty voice. One she'd rarely ever heard him use. "I can understand your grandfather keeping this quiet for all these years. I can understand why no one told me before this school year. But why are you just now coming around to telling me this? Why couldn't you trust me to know this?"
Tears warred with rage. "Papa told me to tell you, but I couldn't. I didn't know how, and I couldn't make myself say the words. I've spent all these years pretending it didn't happen. And then I was supposed to tell you? Don't you get it, Sev? Everything I've hated you for, everything I've let you hate yourself for, I did too. And I did it with less provocation. You had a lifetime of reasons; I had a moment. What's my excuse? I'm hot-headed and impulsive? What gives me the right to use that as an excuse for justifiable murder?"
"What gave me the right, Desi?" The quiet roar of his voice managed to scare her into silence. Right now, she wished he was screaming at her, instead of this sadness in his tone. "You were young and stupid and in danger. What about me? What right did I have to torture people? To cause them to feel pain like you wouldn't believe? What gave me the right to kill a man myself? You think you have the right to feel guilty and responsible? You think what you did is so much more terrible than what I did?"
He rolled his left sleeve up to show her the mark they both hated. "Do you honestly think that killing one person makes you that much worse than me?"
Desi bit her lip and remained silent.
"Fine." Severus rolled down his sleeve and turned his back on her. "Have it your way. Wallow in your own self-hate and melodrama. It didn't do me any good, but maybe you'll find solace in it."
The door slammed behind him on his way out.
"You talk to her." He snarled at Potter as he stormed down the hall. "I'll hex her if I stay in there any longer."
Harry stood, shell-shocked, in the hallway for a full minute. Did Snape just...did he ask him to...did he just treat him like an equal?
The door creaked as he opened it. Desi sat at her desk, her head in her hands.
"Why, Harry?" The quiet voiced carried along the silence. "Why did you have to tell him?" Blue eyes looked up at him, set in a pale face that looked so old and so young all at once, filled with emotions Harry couldn't even name. "Why did you have to say something?"
He swallowed. "I'm sorry, Professor. It just came out."
She sighed deeply. "Well, it would have come out sooner or later. I just wish he'd try to see things from my point of view."
Harry fidgeted with his hands. "With respect, Professor, maybe you should try to see things from his."
"Excuse me?" She stared at the young wizard before her.
He stared straight at her. In some part of his mind, Harry couldn't believe what he was about to do. "I couldn't help but hear what you were saying, the door being open and all. But he's right. I don't know what Professor Snape has done in his life. I don't want to know. But from what I do know, it makes everything you did pale in comparison. Your grandfather trusts him. The Order trusts him. As much as I hate admitting it, I trust him. Why would we treat you any less?"
The young wizard became braver when he realized no glass objects were going to fly past his head. "So you did something horrible? Does that make everything good you've done all this time worthless? You spent hours lecturing me on good and bad, right and wrong. Remember the night you suggested that Draco Malfoy could undo his wrongs by doing something right? Does the fact that you helped him not join Voldemort outweigh you killing a Death Eater? Professor, I haven't changed my mind about you just because I know you did something like that. So you laughed and enjoyed killing him. If I ever manage to kill Voldemort, I may very well do something similar. But it doesn't change who you are. I still look up to you. Hermione and Ron probably would. It might give you more credibility among the Slytherins. I think we can all assume that Dumbledore couldn't think of you in a negative light no matter how hard he tried. And I think I can be brave enough to assume it doesn't change the fact that Snape still loves you."
"How do you know about that?" She jerked as if doused with cold water.
Harry rolled his bright green eyes. Damn, no wonder Snape had lost his temper with her. And he thought Ron had a one-track mind..."It's obvious to anyone around the two of you for five seconds. You would have to have been completely blind, or as bad a seer as Trelawney, to not know by now. He's been silently watching your every move in this castle all school year. I don't think you could take a walk to Hagrid's and back without him knowing. You didn't see the way he looked at you after that night with Malfoy. You don't know how worried he was when we found your robes but didn't find you. When we did find you, he wouldn't let Dumbledore or I anywhere near you. When I ran to him to tell him you'd gone after Malfoy, he spent a full minute describing what he would do to Malfoy if he laid a finger on you. And if that doesn't convince you, this should. Nothing in this world, not even Professor Dumbledore's request, would have made him stop loathing me, until he told me you had coaxed him into it. If that isn't a sign that he cares about you," he almost whispered, refusing to break eye contact, "then I don't know what is. And if you sit back and insist on letting whatever Malfoy said to you four days ago eat at you like this, then you don't deserve Snape."
Desi stared at him. "How do you know what Malfoy said to me?"
He pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and tossed it on the table. "You're not the only friend Lupin has in this world." With that, Harry walked out on his professor, leaving her alone with her thoughts.