Chapter 2
The pain of memories
Kyo had avoided Tohru for days and she was starting to feel it. She thought he hated her. In truth it was completely opposite. He loved her. But because he didn't want her to say that to him, so he wouldn't tell her. Every time he thought about her, he could hear his mothers voice. And he covered his ears and tried to forget. But he knew the only way to do that would be to erase his memories. Though he also knew that every memory, no matter how painful, mattered. And he'd probably have more than that erased at the same time.. He didn't want to forget anyone. He had to get over it like a real person.
He heard his father's accusing words. The other parents who talked like they knew something. They didn't know anything. It wasn't his fault. That's what he kept saying. He yelled it, he whispered it, he cried it. But no one listened. Then Master came. He listened. But he pretended to be someone he wasn't. And though he accepted Kyo and knew all about him. He wasn't what Kyo wanted. He knew Tohru accepted him. She'd shown that to him. But now he was scared that she'd finally say it soon.
"No..." Kyo was sitting on a rock by the lake where Tohru had saved him. He suddenly heard their voices again. They were saying it again. But instead... It was about Tohru. He'd seen her crying earlier. With Shigure. She had cried for a while. Kyo hadn't been able to stand it and had left to come here. He heard her ask if Kyo hated her. If that's why he wouldn't talk to her or make eye contact.
"He's the problem." "If he wasn't here." "If it weren't for him.." They were here again. But Master wasn't. He couldn't say it was alright anymore. "It's not.... I'm not.... not...." Kyo let out silent tears. Let them slide from under the hands that hid his face. Let them glide down his gentle cheeks and fall to the rocky ground beneath him. His heaving breaths were the only sounds. He was recovering and could hear birds chirping and slow water running in the lake. He took a few deep sighs. He couldn't go on like this. It was tearing them both up. And he couldn't take it. Constant nightmares followed him everywhere. Chanting.
He remembered at school. He was shaking and sweating because he could hear them again. Louder than ever. Tohru had put a hand on his shoulder in order to calm him. But he'd freaked and chewed her out. She'd actually cried then. It tore at him but he didn't say sorry. And that hurt him even worse.
He'd have to go see her sometime. But when, he did not know. If the voices kept coming, if he kept hearing, he didn't think he could stand it. And talking to her just so stupid voices will leave him alone didn't seem very right. Wasn't noble, brave, right, correct, anything except a way out. It would be just another way of running away.
He had to go to her and tell her how he felt. But then she'd say it.. maybe.. and what if she didn't? What if she rejected him? He didn't know which would be worse, her accepting him and saying "I love you." or her rejecting him and breaking his heart. He couldn't do it. Not now at least. Soon. But not today.