The Happily Ever After Collection
Disclaimer: I don't own Dragonlance or Disney so don't sue.
Author's Note: In a certain mage's library an old dusty book containing some quite unusual fairytales was discovered. These are just a few of my favorites.
Story One: Beauty and the Mage (Takes place after the whole Abyss incident, except Raist still has magic and isn't be tortured eternally.)
Long ago, on a cold winter night an old woman in tattered old robes knocked on the door to the hideous, twisted tower. The master of the tower was a powerful Archmagus Raistlin Majere. With his gold skin, white hair, and hourglass eyes he was quite a fright to look at. Though he normally lived alone with his apprentice Dalamar, his brother Caramon and a few of his old companions were visiting the tower that day. His servant, I mean apprentice Dalamar answered the door.
"I'm sorry my Shalafi does not enjoy company." The handsome dark elf replied after the old hag asked for shelter. "Though I must admit... I am impressed that you made it through the grove." Just then shadowy figure in black velvety robes stepped out from the darkness.
"Who are you?" the man demanded in a rasping voice.
"I am just an old woman travel worn and seeking shelter. I have no money to offer, just this rose." The old hag said in a whispery voice.
Raistlin examined the rose. "A fine specimen." He said finally. "It's quite appreciated." And with that he promptly shut the door in the old woman's face taking the rose.
A moment later knocking could be heard again. Dalamar opened the door nervously as Raistlin watched impatiently from the corner. "By Lorac's eye its Lunitari." Dalamar gasped.
"What?" Raistlin said walking to the door.
"Raistlin Majere for your selfishness I Lunitari shall punish you." Lunitari said dramatically.
"What are you going to make me see everything as it is in death? Or wait maybe she'll make me incomprehensibly weak. Or better yet give me sickly, golden skin and white hair. Perhaps I'll even have to suffer with a cough that weakens me to death." He said sarcastically with a cynical smile.
Lunitari looked quite peeved. "No I am going to make you a hideous beast that no woman could ever love." Raistlin rose an eyebrow. "And if you can not make a woman fall in love with you before that rose dies you will as well." Raistlin laughed.
"Well on with the spell then." He said mockingly. As she whispered words of magic he saw his hands turn to massive paws with claws that were formidable to a dragon's. He grew in height in strength. After Lunitari disappeared he laughed. He cast a simple light spell to make sure he hadn't lost his magic and what he saw amused him beyond words.
"Shalafi you are a giant!" Dalamar said frightened. Suddenly sensing something was wrong Dalamar looked down at his hands after that he promptly fainted. Shaking his head Raistlin picked up the long sleek peppershaker and headed into the house. Upon entering the study where he had left his guests he got a hilarious surprise. His brother Caramon had been transformed into a book, Raistlin laughed at the irony of it. His wife Tika had been transformed into a frying pan. Over in the corner he heard his sister Kitaira who had became a boot laughing hysterically. Sitting in front of her was the previous death night Lord Soth, who had become a potted plant. At that moment a golden hairbrush and a box of Krynn's most trusted brand of condoms Trokan Extras, hopped down the stairs.
Tanis Half Elven exclaimed angrily, "I do NOT think this is funny Raistlin." His wife Laurana looked even more peeved.
"I told you we shouldn't have came here Tanis." She said upset.
Kitaira laughed even harder upon seeing Tanis, "This is too funny." She said red in the face...err...um toes laughing.
"Raist you have to reverse this spell." Caramon whined. "I keep giving myself paper cuts."
"No..." Raistlin said his voice a loud roar. "Now I can have what I always dreamed of. I am strong and powerful in body and magic now, no one can stop me! Well I will die if that stupid rose does..." he was struck with a brilliant idea.
An hour later. "I came immediately when you summoned for me Raistlin." The blind Crysania said. "Are you going to profess your undying love to me finally?" she said hopefully.
"Yes...yes...I love you Revered Daughter." Raistlin muttered.
"You don't sound like Raistlin?" Crysania said confused. She touched his hands, "My you have big furry paws Raistlin." She exclaimed.
"The better to umm...uh...do magic with." Raistlin said. "Oh yes I cast a spell that will help me with my magic, so my hands and voice changed."
"Oh..." Crysania said. "Well in that case okay." She kissed him and the rose began to glow and Lunitari appeared.
"No fair Raistlin1 She's blind for crying out loud." Lunitari said angrily.
"Blinded by her love for me." Raistlin said sarcastically. "Well now that the whole dying thing is out of the way, I'll see you guys later." He said to his companions who had transformed back to their original selves besides Lord Soth who was still in fact a potted plant.
"Raist where are you going?" Caramon said running after him.
"To go become an all powerful god...obviously." Raistlin said shaking his head at his brother's idiocy.
"Let me go with you please Raistlin." Caramon begged.
"We already did this it was called Legends, remember? You tried to kill me, the cleric tried to seduce me."
"Did not!" Crysania exclaimed.
"Whatever." Raistlin said. "I'm out of here."
After a moment of awkward silence Laurana asked, "How is it that he is still a beast?"
"Who the heck knows..." Dalamar muttered.
"Yeah." Tanis said, "None of these stories ever make sense."
"How about we play some scrabble." Tika suggested.
And the companions did play scrabble that night and they all lived happily ever after. Raistlin went on to become the god of Marjoram and bunnies, Caramon became the next president of the United States, and Tika was thrown into prison for assault with a frying pan. Kitaira starred on a reality television show where she mud wrestled other woman on a tropical island to see who would become the next apprentice. Tanis became the host of Krynn's Elf Maidens Gone Wild and Laurana was just as boring as usual. Dalamar waited for Raistlin to come home even though he never did, and some Krynnish children say if you listen really hard at night you can hear him crying out, "Shalafi!" Lord Soth went on to win several blue ribbons at the Haven County Fair for his impressive flowers and strong healthy leaves.
The End...or until next time