Disclaimer: See Chapter One.
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. Responses at the end of the chapter. --Piton
Chapter 3 - Try to Be
Whenever he thought back to that night, the first thing Severus remembered was always how loud the party was...
Narcissa Black had atrocious taste in music, and she had stayed true to type when choosing the entertainment for her graduation party. The bass throbbed through his skull, seeming to blast a personal message, just for him: "Why are you here? Why are you here?"
"Why am I here?" Severus asked himself glumly. He wasn't sure what exactly he had been expecting from this party--had he thought upon leaving Hogwarts he would miraculously discover his misplaced social graces? Even if he had, everyone here knew him well enough to keep their distance, no matter his mood. He downed the last of his firewhiskey, and the world began to recede to a dull hum. "If I'm going to get through this, I need more liquor," he mumbled.
"What?" Lucius Malfoy shouted, leaning close enough for Severus to realize he was the sober one of the duo. Lucius never could hold his drink. Severus leaned back stiffly.
"I was wondering if you were ready to go ask Narcissa to dance so that I might leave you to her charms instead of holding your hand all night."
Lucius laughed drunkenly. "Have patience, my friend," he slurred. "Why don't you find yourself a pretty little friend to occupy your time? Perhaps a good lay would help remove that wand from your arse."
Severus scowled. "I'm getting more to drink." Without waiting for a reply, Severus stalked over to the bar. He refilled his drink then turned to face the party, sneering at anyone foolish enough to meet his gaze. At least standing here with a drink in his hand he looked more like any other wallflower, and less like a great bat lurking in the shadows. He gulped his whiskey and began a countdown until he could leave.
"Severus? I didn't know you were coming!"
The voice came from behind him, and he jumped, spilling the contents of his glass down the front of his robes. Cursing under his breath, he pulled his wand and uttered a cleaning charm as he turned to face the speaker. His face broke into a genuine smile. "Lily! You're at a Slytherin graduation party and you're surprised to see me here?" The smile turned mocking. "Did little Black's mummy force him to attend?"
Her hair glinted gold in the light, and she rolled her eyes as she responded. "Got it in one! And, of course, wherever Sirius goes, there follow his merry men."
He nodded. "Of course. That doesn't, however, explain your appearance at this little fete. Your friends, I am sure, are off unleashing havoc upon those too drunk to retaliate, and knowing them they have informed you that such business is no place for a woman." He had the feeling his sardonic speech was spoiled by the slur that was starting to make itself known.
"Correct again!" she laughed, raising her glass in a silent toast. "James begs me to come, and when I graciously agree he abandons me." She staggered slightly, and Severus's brow furrowed as he realized she had drank considerably more than he had estimated. One does not often see the Head Girl utterly pissed... in both figurative senses of the word.
She stepped closer, laying her hand on his arm, big green eyes gazing up at him through her dark lashes. "I suppose we'll just have to amuse each other, then," she breathed, running her other hand up and down his chest.
Severus swallowed. There was a fuzzy little voice in his head screeching at him, telling him to just walk away, but a louder voice was commenting on how good she smelled, and pointing out that if James was careless enough to leave her here, that was his problem. The fuzzy voice made one last effort. 'She's your friend! Keep this up, and she won't be tomorrow.'
But Severus firmly quashed any second thoughts, aided by yet more alcohol. 'Bugger off,' he snarled to himself. 'I know what I'm doing.'
His biggest regret was that he remembered so little of that night. He figured, if he was going to do something that outrageously idiotic, he should at least get to recall just what exactly he did. He remembered her lips on his... leaving the party... flooing to her brand-new flat in London. He remembered words of love whispered at the height of passion, and slinking away in the middle of the night, mortified that he could have taken advantage of one of his few friends so callously.
He of course remembered that day, several weeks later, when they had met again
He was hurrying through Gringotts, hoping to get his money and run his errands before his lunch hour ended. As he turned away from the counter, he slammed into the person who was next in line. She was in an equal hurry, and the impact of the collision would have knocked her off her feet were it not for his stabilizing grip. His hands tightened spasmodically on her arms before pushing her away as he realized who exactly he was holding.
"Severus..." she started uncertainly.
"Not here," he interrupted brusquely. "I'll meet you outside; would you like to join me for lunch?"
She nodded dumbly, moving toward the impatient goblin.
The silence was complete from the moment they set off from the bank until they gave their orders at the diner. Without their menus to hide behind, they studied each other uneasily. She was the first to speak.
"I'm sorry about that night, Severus, I was upset and it was wrong of me to use you." She looked at him shyly, whispering, "I didn't want this to happen that way."
His jaw tightened. "I believe we both used each other to a certain degree, so let's just drop this unsavory topic."
Her green gaze was desperate, beseeching him to listen. "Was that all it was to you?" she whispered. "Just some drunken mistake?"
He scowled at her. "What do you want me to say? The sex was good." She flushed. "Would you like me to tell you how I pine for you, my lonely days are meaningless without you in them, after that night I lost the sunshine in my life?" The sarcasm and bitterness in his tone could melt steel. "Go back to Potter, Evans, he's much more your type."
He made as if to storm off, and she grasped his left arm angrily. "You could at least do me the courtesy of letting me finish before subjecting me to that self-pitying display." His eyes darkened, and the encounter would have turned even more unpleasant except--
It happened.
The Dark Lord was calling him, and she saw the flash of pain in his eyes and felt the heat of the Mark through his robes. Her eyes narrowed in disgust. "I see," she commented coolly, fairly throwing his arm onto the table. She got up, gathering her things together. "Well, it appears we both have things to do. I don't imagine we'll be seeing each other again soon, Severus, but for the next unfortunate woman, let me say this:
"If you were ashamed of me or what happened you should have just come out and said it."
-------
Snape shook himself out of his memories as he entered the hospital wing, spotting Harry asleep on his bed in the corner. For a moment he was frozen at the entrance, shocked anew at the incredible resemblance they shared. 'We'll need to talk about that charm at some point,' he thought distantly. He noticed Poppy was scurrying about, tidying her domain, and glided up to her. "How is he doing?" he asked quietly.
She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Harry's frantic voice. The boy had pushed himself into a sitting position and was groping for his glasses. "Professor! Professor, did you tell Dumbledore? Are the Creeveys and the Finnegans okay? I can't believe no one woke me. Will I be able to see--"
Snape held up a hand, and Harry reluctantly fell silent. "The Creeveys are fine, Harry," he said cautiously, "However, we did not reach the Finnegans in time."
The boyish face fell. "They're all dead?" he asked dully.
Snape nodded slowly. "Albus was concerned by your vision," he commented, changing the subject. "He believes, and Poppy agrees, that you must either Occlude your mind or take a sleeping draught at least until you are healed. If you continue to have fits every night, you will be stuck in the hospital wing indefinitely."
Harry scowled. "I'm fine," he said dismissively. He studied the older man. "And what do you think, Professor?"
Snape's brow furrowed. "I think you need to understand that you cannot save the world."
The boy's head snapped back as if the man had hit him. "Do I, sir? I thought that was what I was born for. What else do I have?" Closing his eyes, he went limp against the pillows. "I thought you, of all people, would understand," he muttered.
"That is different!" he snapped.
Harry shrugged indifferently. "Sir? Where will I go once I am allowed to leave the hospital wing? Will I be able to visit the Weasleys?"
Wrinkling his distinctive nose, Snape commented, "Albus does not believe it safe for you to leave Hogwarts at this time. Perhaps later in the summer you will be permitted to visit your... friends." He spat out the word as if it left a bad taste in his mouth. He continued, "As I said, you will be staying in Hogwarts, and you will be under my care."
"I see." Harry studied his sheet intently, running his fingers over the hem. "You know, sir, just because you... learned about me doesn't mean... I mean, I'm sorry you're stuck with me now." The sheet crumpled in his tight grip.
Severus sighed. "Sorry to rain on your pity parade, but I actually requested this."
Harry stopped contemplating his bedding and lifted his bewildered eyes to Snape. "Sir?"
The professor collapsed into a chair, regarding his new-found son intently. "Look, Po--Harry, I still don't like you. I think you're arrogant and reckless, and the way the rest of the faculty treats you like some bizarre combination of child warrior and delicate flower is damn annoying. I do not, however, dislike you either, which is an improvement, and I would like the chance to get to know you." His hair obscured his face as he stared at the ground. "I think I owe your mother that much."
Harry humphed. "I don't want you to be stuck with me out of some bizarre sense of guilt!" he exclaimed in exasperation. A little offended, he added fatalistically, "It probably won't matter for very long, anyway." His eyes brightened with a guilty hope as he asked, "Sir? When I was born, had you ever defied Voldemort?"
Snape lifted an eyebrow. "You were born... 31 July, 1981, right?" Not waiting for a reply, he continued thoughtfully, "Well, I was a spy at that time, so I suppose you could call that defiance."
Harry snorted. "Well, I sure wouldn't call it loyalty!" He paused. "Actually, I was asking about defiance in the face of Voldemort, not behind his back, so to speak."
He was ignored. "If you're looking for storybook heroism, you should ask Dumbledore... I couldn't do anything to jeopardize my position in the circle, but I suppose each meeting was an act of defiance in itself." His gaze clearly said, "Does this have a point?"
Harry swallowed. "Can you remember, at the time of my birth, how many meetings you had attended since changing sides?"
He shrugged. "Well, I had changed sides fairly recently... I'd guess about three," he hazarded.
Harry's face fell. "Of course it was three! How could it be anything other than three?" He ran his hands through his hair. "If it couldn't be Neville... I wish Voldemort had gotten his facts straight and killed me when he had the chance. Or should I say chances? For the terror of the wizarding world, he has atrocious luck."
"What in Merlin's name are you rambling on about, boy? Getting tired of the fame and adulation that comes with being 'The Boy-Who-Lived'?"
"Yeah, that's it, tell me about my cushy life as everyone's hero. Tell how fun it is to grow up without parents, to find out I'm famous for some weird combination of circumstance, my mother's love, and Voldemort being stupid, but certainly nothing that has anything to do with me, or my actions. Tell me how great it is when the papers are telling everyone you're insane, and your godfather dies because of your saving people thing, and how utterly fabulous it is to know that, in the end, everything really does rest on your shoulders. And what qualifies you for the job? A scar, luck, your heart, and the knowledge that everyone close to you will die because of you. And you face death so often you're practically on first-name basis with the Grim Reaper, and no one can protect you from that, but they can withhold all useful or important information, because you're too young to know! So, there you go," Harry cried sarcastically, "I give you Harry Potter. Not too bright, not too skilled, not too informed, but famous and our only hope. God help all the spares that get too close, though." By the end of his tirade, he was shouting. As soon as he finished speaking, he wavered where he sat and abruptly keeled over. Severus stared at the slumped form of his son.
'Well. That was certainly... incoherent. He gently picked up the boy and arranged him in a more comfortable position. "Sleep well," he murmured, "Because when you wake up you have some explaining to do."
Intending on finding Dumbledore, he was halfway across the room when he felt the strangest sensation, a cross between painful and itchy, centered on his forehead. He paused, rubbing the area, but the feeling had faded as quickly as it came. Had he glanced back at that moment, he would have seen Harry rubbing his scar, grimacing in quiet pain.
A/N: Ah, the vague glimmering of a plot emerges. This chapter was almost literally painful to write. Severus and Harry weren't speaking, and they did not appreciate my prodding. I've rewritten it a few times, given up, and am unleashing it on you people so I can move on! The next chapter is giving me much less grief. --Piton
Responses to Reviews:
LushBaby, hermione21, Wytil, Starbuckkitty, sabby, spacecatdet, Malfoy11717, Potter Reader, MiruSedna, SlythCat19: Thanks! I'm glad you all like it so far. I hope this chapter isn't too disappointing.
snarkyroxy: I'm glad you liked it. I hope you like it still, even though I'm kind of smashing your delusions. In this story, Lily and Severus were friends, and I think Lily was in love with him, but he, as guys tend to be, was totally clueless. He did care about her a lot as a friend, though, which becomes clearer later.
duj: Harry's thoughts relating to Snape are kind of where the AU aspect of this fic comes into play. All events in canon will occur, but the emotions and/or reasoning behind them may be a bit skewed. As for Sirius's death, I see Harry really hurting about this. He needs a reason for why it happened, and he's kind of blaming everyone and no one, but most of all he blames himself. Don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense, but he's not supposed to be overly rational at the moment. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
Voydag: Glad I surprised you! Yeah, Hermione's going to be very important to this story. Personally, I can't wait until she shows up, but remember, there's always owl post. ;)
Alleya: That is, to me, the most interesting part of Severitus stories. I mean, not only would this adjustment be hard for anyone, but these are two very dysfunctional people! I hope this stays interesting!
Lady Lestrange: That's partially where this idea came from, honestly, I was watching Friends, and Ross and Rachel's baby made me think. It may lack some of the edginess of the other plotlines, but it's still worth a try! I'm glad you like it so far, although don't judge it by this chapter!
athenakitty: Some questions answered, some not, just wait and all will be revealed ;)
ShadowedHand: I'm so glad you liked it! Honestly, when I started writing it I intended for Harry to be as in the dark as Severus, but he just jumped out and took over that scene, thankfully. If only he could've helped out a little on this chapter...! ;)
wpd147: Good point about legal names, but I was referring more to Harry's sense of identity. Yes, his name is still Potter, but everything he knew about his parents was a lie, his birth father has always treated him like dirt, not to mention he's a teenager... that would be enough to make anyone wonder who they really are. This is essentially the same reason the Point me spell would not work for "Harry Potter."
Makalani Astral: Yes, Dumbledore and Harry will be having words soon. I'm glad you like it so far!