AN: Hey everyone. Sorry it took so long to update. My harddrive has decided to eat itself. This may be my last update for a while. I promise to update as soon as my new computer comes in. Enjoy

It took a little longer then expected, but Bud finally received the background check on Corporal Elliot. The information he found had more questions than it did answers. It seemed that Corporal Elliot didn't exist till 1999. For some reason, that's where the trail ended. Bud suspected what the reason was, but he wasn't sure. He knew Mac would want this ASAP. He decided to call her before he left. Harriet and he were taking the boys to the country for the weekend. He dialed Mac's cell phone, but he got her voice mail. He left her a message, secured everything, and left for the day.

With a huge sigh, Mac collapsed on her bed. She just got through with a meeting with the base Commanding Officer. He was curious at to why this investigation was taking so long. Mac explained that there wasn't much evidence to give them a good suspect. She did inform him of her suspicions of Corporal Elliot. She stated she is waiting for some background information from HQ. Her explanation seemed to satisfy him, although he did stress the need to wrap up this investigation quickly.

Mac reached over and grabbed her cell phone. The battery was dead when she got up and forgot to bring her car charger. She noticed she had a new voicemail. She listened to Bud's message with interest. She, too, had her suspicions, but she has no way to find out now.

Her first thought was to contact Clay, but he was gone. A part of her still missed him. It took her a while, but she realized she was with Clay for all the wrong reasons. They had shared an intense experience and leaned on each other for support. It wasn't till she realized how distant Harm and she got that her and Clay wouldn't work. She didn't realize how much she really needed Harm in her life. She remembered lying in bed at night wondering why Harm and she were so far apart. She figured it was because they fell into the same routine. But it wasn't the same routine. She remembered telling Harm that he only showed interest when she had one foot out the door. To him, she was unavailable. That's when he usually would try to make his presence known. But not this time. This time, he kept his distance. He barely spoke to her, and when he did, it usually ended in an argument. She tried to rationalize that it was because of Mattie that Harm didn't fight for her. She came to the conclusion, however, that she only had herself to blame this time. It all started with the word "never". It's hard to believe that one word could severe a relationship that lasted years. What hurt the worst was that she didn't mean it. She was just hurting, and she did what she always did. She took it out on someone, and Harm was the closest person. It didn't help matters when Harm wasn't taken back at JAG and had to go work for the CIA. She tried to get in touch with him, but he never returned her calls. Looking back on it, she wouldn't have called back either. She did save never after all. Then he came back, and it went from bad to worse.

Granted, Harm wasn't completely innocent in this fiasco. He had his share of rude remarks. That alcoholic comment in court alone made her want to strangle the life out of him. It seemed like he did his best to keep Mac out of his life. Hell, he didn't even tell her about Mattie till he needed her. As usual, that turned into an argument, and he left. Those words he told her truly hurt, but they made sense. Why should he fight for her? She said they could never be. What else could he have done? In the end, there were many things that both could have done, but both were too scared to do them.

She remembered talking to Harm about all this. It was a very memorable conversation. For once, Harm actually opened up to her. It was after a very intense lovemaking session that Mac decided to broach the subject.

Flashback

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember what life was like before the accident?"

"Of course I do, Sarah. How could I forget?"

"I guess I'm trying to ask you if you remember the night you came over to ask me to help you with Mattie?"

"Yeah. I remember that night?"

"Do you think you could answer that question now?"

"What question is that?"

"Why didn't you fight for me?"

Harm figured this conversation would come up sometime. Luckily, he knew what he wanted to say.

"Honestly Sarah, I didn't know if I should."

"What?"

"Look at our history, Sarah. I'm the reason you're not married right now."

"What?!"

"If I didn't crash that night, you and Mic would be married."

"Let me get this straight. You think that just because you went down, Mic and I didn't get married?"

"I think I played a very big part in it."

"Harm let me fill you in on a little secret. I honestly don't think I would have married Mic. I was actually waiting for you to stop me."

"ME? What could I do? You have proven time and time again that I have no control over you."

"I wanted you to tell me how you felt about me. I wanted you to give me a reason to not marry Mic. I was prepared to leave him for you."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this."

"Can't you. Surely you knew how I felt about you, Harm. That wasn't a brother-sister kiss we shared at my engagement party."

"I think deep down inside, I knew you didn't want to marry Mic, but I didn't want to get in the way."

"Why?"

"You seemed happy, Sarah. That's all I ever wanted for you. If Mic made you happy, then I was happy for you."

"That's what you meant when you said you are only this way with me."

"Yes."

"Was it the same way with Clay?"

"Not exactly. I must admit that I really didn't like the idea of you and Clay. You've known him just as long as you've known me. He never seemed to be your type."

"Then why didn't you say anything?

"I didn't think it was my place anymore. I was out of you life for a while, and when I came back, you didn't seem to really miss me. I figured you had moved on with Clay."

"I did, but not in the way you think."

"I asked you if you loved him."

"I remember. I also remember evading the question."

"That you did."

"You still haven't answered mine either."

"I haven't?"

"Not really."

Harm sat up and looked Mac in the eye.

"As I said, Sarah, all I ever wanted for you is to be happy. If Clay did that, then I wished you all the happiness. You have been through so much that I would sell my soul to ensure your happiness."

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"What for?"

"For being so blind."

"Only if you could forgive me for the same reason."

"I think that could be arranged."

"Then I think it's time that we kiss and make up."

"Oh yeah. Come here, sailor."

End Flashback

Looking back on it, she knew Harm had forgiven her, but she couldn't forgive herself. They continued to talk about it the next morning. For once, Harm made sense. He had told her that they had done their fair share of hurting each other. He said that was in the past, and he was tired of living in the past. All he cared about was his future with her. It was at that moment, lying on the bed in the middle of an investigation that she decided he was right. She could spend the rest of her life kicking herself in the butt for all the mistakes she made, or she could move on. She decided to move on. Exhausted by the war in her head, Mac decided to get some sleep and figure out what to do tomorrow.

Well there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. I will update as soon as possible. Now all you have to do is hit the lilac button and review. You know you want to. (evil grin)