The Eye of the Llama

by Gary D. Snyder

Part 6:

"What do you mean, 'He's not'?" asked Cindy with some annoyance. "How could he not be on Earth? The last time I checked you were the only one with a spaceship."

"I mean that he's not on Earth," Jimmy shot back defensively. "I've run a full scan and he's not anywhere within ten thousand miles of this lab. That include the entire planet and most close orbital objects like the space shuttle."

"Why would Carl be on the space shuttle?" Sheen asked.

Jimmy sighed. "He's not on the space shuttle."

"Yes, I know that," Sheen said patiently. "I heard you. I was just asking why he would be there."

"He wouldn't be!" Jimmy shouted.

"Then it makes perfect sense that he's not there," was Sheen's unruffled response. "There's no need to get snippy."

Jimmy clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, but Libby saved Sheen from possible violence by asking, "Why can't you just increase how far you're scanning until you do find him?"

"In theory, I could," Jimmy said, relieved to hear something sensible. "But the volume of scanned space goes up as the cube of the distance. It took twenty minutes to search a volume ten thousand miles in radius. If I doubled the radius it would take eight times as long. If I tripled the distance it would take twenty-seven times as long. The moon is the closest celestial body and it would take over five centuries to search out to there."

"Why would Carl be on the moon?" Sheen asked innocently, but on seeing the blood in Jimmy's eye he hastened to add, "Oh, right. Mombot's lunar pies."

Cindy sounded incredulous. "You mean there's no way to find him?"

"If we knew which way to direct the scan we could," said Jimmy. "But realistically there's no way to tell. And it's not like Carl is just going to call up and tell us." He and the others were startled as the phone in the lab chose that moment to ring. Puzzled, Jimmy punched a button on the console before him. "Hello?" he said.

The video monitor was instantly filled with Carl's terrified image screaming, "Jimmy! Thank goodness you're there! You've got to help me!"

"Carl?" Jimmy lowered the volume slightly because Carl's shrill cries were causing the audio to oscillate. "Calm down. Where are you? What's going on?"

"If he's on the moon, tell him to bring me back some -," Sheen started to call, but Libby elbowed him in the ribs and cut him off in mid-sentence.

"I'm on a planet called Falafel…" Carl began, somewhat calmer.

"Felangie," a voice off-screen said.

"…and I'm supposed to fight someone named Anthrax…" Carl continued.

"Vermax," the same voice corrected him.

"…and now I don't know what to do because I promised the princess and if I don't fight she'll be really upset and I don't know how to fight and they said I could have someone come to help me and I don't know anyone else who can so I called your mom and she said she thought you were in you lab so I'm calling now and please you've got to help because otherwise I'll be in real being trouble…" Carl's voice died away as he ran out of air and began gasping for breath. When he could breath normally again he panted, "By the way, Jimmy, your mom said you need to clean under your bed. She said putting up a biohazard sign wasn't an acceptable substitute."

"Yeah, okay, okay," Jimmy hastened to say as everyone crowded around. "But slow down a little. Could you start from the beginning?"

"You have to fight somebody?" Libby asked.

"And what's this about a princess?" Cindy added.

"And did you get any lunar pies?" Sheen called.

"Well," Carl began, but before he could continue an alien face crowded him aside.

"My apologies," the speaker said, "but these calls are really rather expensive and in the interests of time and credits perhaps I should clarify. I am Minister Khormak of the planet Felangie. Your friend, Mr. Wheezer, has offered to engage our planet's fighting champion in an exhibition match in the spirit of friendly interplanetary sportsmanship. He seemed somewhat reluctant at first, but it seems that Princess Leama, the heir to the throne, was able to persuade him to compete. In doing so he has placed himself in a most demanding situation. If he were to withdraw from the competition after agreeing to participate it would reflect very badly on the princess' honor and she would be humiliated. She might even be forced to forfeit her claims to the throne. She has, however, instructed me to provide Mr. Wheezer with whatever he requires to prepare for his match, and Mr. Wheezer has requested you to come and train him."

"And if we refuse to participate?" Jimmy asked.

Minister Khormak's voice remained even and diplomatic, but the threat was all too evident in his tone. "Well, aside from disgracing Princess Leama, your friend would be very unpopular and it might be very difficult to guarantee his safety. And the pride of our people is such that it might actually lead to armed confrontation to regain our honor."

"Help me, Jimmy!" they heard Carl wail from off-screen. "You're my only hope!"

"It appears that I have no choice," Jimmy admitted. "All right. Give me the coordinates and I'll be there."

"Excellent," Khormak answered, clearly pleased by Jimmy's choice. "And from the people of Felangie, may I express -"

"Please deposit another twenty-five credits for another five chronals," they all heard a mechanical voice say.

Khormak frowned in irritation. "Well, I really must run. It was so good talking to you. Good-bye." And with that the video screen went dark.

Jimmy sat silently for some time. He didn't trust Khormak and was sure that there was a lot that had been left unsaid. He doubted that things were as aboveboard as Khormak had tried to imply, but he had no doubt that Carl needed his help. Finally he stirred and said, "Okay. I guess Goddard and I will see you all later. I don't know what's going on but I don't think Carl and I have any choice about this."

"Wait a minute!" Sheen objected. "Aren't we coming?"

Jimmy's mind skipped a track. "What?"

"Come on," wheedled Sheen. "We were bored, remember? This could be the adventure of a lifetime. Right, girls?"

Cindy looked indignant. "Are you nuts? The last time I was up in space I almost died."

"That's right," agreed Libby.

"'Almost' only counts with horseshoes, hand grenades, and Ultra Lord's plasma impacter," Sheen pointed out.

"That's 'close'," Jimmy pointed out.

"Thank you," said Sheen.

"And why?" Cindy went on, apparently ignoring them as she paced back and forth, waving her arms. "Because Carl has to fight some champion to defend some princess' honor and save her title and reputation? That is the most…" Cindy paused and went on more slowly in that dreamy voice that Jimmy had learned to dread, "…romantic thing I have ever heard."

"I have goose bumps," Libby concurred.

"Okay, Neutron, we're in," Cindy announced.

Jimmy stared at them with his mouth open. "But…" he began.

"Yeah, yeah," she said, cutting him off. "Just don't make me have to kick yours. We're going and that's that."

"Huzzah!" shouted Sheen.

Jimmy knew that arguing was worse than useless. The more logical and convincing his arguments became the more they would only convince Cindy that she was right. "Gas planets," he muttered. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

End of Part 6.